Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 3 - Fool's Gold - full transcript

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Take it again, Benson.
I think you blinked.
(LAUGHS)

What're you doing?

The insurance company
wants pictures of the antiques

in case of a fire or theft.

Who would want to
steal something that ugly?

Where're you going,
Frankie?

Uh, to see the Governor.
No, you're not.

But the historical society's
coming to dinner.

Got some great jokes
the Governor can use.
(LAUGHS)

You wanna hear them?



You're not a joke writer,
Frankie, you're a messenger.

Please, I'm a courier.
Then go courier.

Come on, Benson.

What harm can it do?
Give him a chance, okay?

All right, okay.

Thanks, Benson.
Go ahead, Frankie.

I'll be in my room.
Let me know when it's over.

History jokes, right?

(LAUGHING) Do you know
what Custer's last words were?

Does anybody here
speak Indian?

(LAUGHING)
Moving right along.

Why did Washington throw
a dollar across the Potomac?

(LAUGHS)
His horse is too big.

You don't like Washington.
I'll do a Lincoln.



Do a Nixon and get out.

I'll come back
when you're feeling better.

Benson, when are you
going to stop goofing off
and get back to work?

I am sick and tired
of covering for you.

Oh! What's this
ugly thing doing here?

At the moment,
she's looking at a candy dish.

Kraus, I need
your help up here.

I need to photograph
these things on the mantel.
Hold this vase for me.

Even a simple job
like this,

and you can't do it
without me.

Kraus, please get out
of the picture.

This is not my camera
and I don't want to break it.

Let me have that.

Oh! Look,
here comes my hand.

Isn't that amazing?

Look at all those fingers.
I always was photogenic.

Klaus, what's that?
What, that little cherub?

Yeah, it's crooked.
This one isn't like that.

Oh, it was always
like that.

I tried to straighten it,
but it wouldn't budge.

Let me try.
Hold that.

I knew
you couldn't do it.

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)
Good work, Benson.

Now you broke
the fireplace.

There's a secret
compartment.

Well, what's that?
Whoo!

It's an old letter,
addressed to somebody
named Dolly.

Oh, aren't you
going to open it?

No, I'm gonna let
the Governor open it.

Why?
He's got a letter opener.

I had no idea
there was a secret
compartment

in the mantel piece.

There's a lot of things
they don't tell you
when you become Governor.

I didn't find out
that there was
a dimmer switch

on my bedroom light
till last week.

Governor, do you plan
to open the letter?

Look at that,
the Governor's seal.

See, in those days,
the Governor wore a big ring

and he just pressed it down
on the wax to make his seal.

I wish I'd gotten
one of those.

Governor, we're all
very anxious to find out
what's inside.

Well, I should think so.
All right.

Here we go.

Boy, this is exciting.

Well?

It's to Dolly,
all right.

Read it.

Everybody ready?
ALL: Yes!

"My darling Dolly,

"would I might express
these words in person,

"but I know
you are off riding again.

"How I envy your horse.

"I never thought I could be
jealous of a gelding."

What's a gelding?

A gelding is a horse
that isn't all there.

Oh, crazy, huh?

Well, it would
make me crazy.

"My dear one,
the times grow precarious.

"I stand accused of theft,
embezzlement, and vote buying.

"Should the people
see through my denials,

"I shall be forced
to take flight.

"In that eventuality,
remember the riddle
I taught you.

"The solution will lead you
to $10,000 in gold

"I have secreted here
in the mansion."

$10,000? Hot damn!

Well, you got
Kraus' interest.

Is there more?

"I remain your ardent
swain, Icky."

Icky?

This letter must
have been written
by Governor Ichabod Broon.

Get that book
on the history
of the state.

Ah,
there's a postscript.

"Tell that young
stable boy, Philippe,

"that my best horse
must be ready to ride
on a moment's notice."

Here it is.

Governor Ichabod Broon
held office from 1840 to...
1840?

Yes, I'm afraid
he had to leave office
rather suddenly.

And painfully.

He was tarred and feathered
and hung by the neck
until honest.

Just like me
and my ex-wife Janine.

The man always
gets it in the neck,

and the wife
ends up with the loot.

But how could Dolly
have ended up with the loot,

if she never got the letter?

The seal was unbroken,
remember?

I never thought of that.

I know this is difficult
for you, Peter,
but try to keep up.

Hey, then the gold
is still here.

Forget it. That was over
100 years ago.

The mansion's been rebuilt
three times.

Somebody must have
found that gold
a long, long time ago.

Nobody found the letter.

Right. Then the possibility
remains that the gold
is still here.

You're wasting your time.
You're not gonna find gold.

For the last 140 years,
nobody's lived in this house
but politicians.

I'm surprised we still
even got the silverware.

I know what I'd do
if I had that gold.
What, honey?

I'd go to McDonald's,
buy a billion burgers,

and watch them change
the number on the sign.

(LAUGHS)
You know what I'd do
if I had $10,000?

I'd go off on a long,
long boat trip.

What would you buy,
Benson?

A long, long torpedo.

What are you
gonna buy, Marcy?

She isn't gonna
buy anything, Katie,

because there's no gold
in this house.

And I'd appreciate it
if you all would stop
talking about it

so I can get
some work done.

What'd you do,
dress yourself this morning?

Where have you been?
In the basement.

What are you doing
in the basement?

Looking around.

Oh?

Don't worry.
I didn't find anything.

You think the gold's
hidden in the basement?

No, not anymore I don't,
but I'm not giving up.

I got to find some way
to pay for my divorce.

Listen,
if I should find it,

don't tell Janine
until after the settlement.

I'm gonna go
try the attic.

Ah, Peter,
sleeping in the car again?

Good afternoon, Benson.

What are you after,
Clayton?

I have just had a most
fascinating conversation
with my broker.

It seems that Governor Broon's
$10,000 in gold

would be worth
at today's prices...

Are you ready?

$437,500!

Oh! Wow!

Clayton, I just got
this mob quieted down.

Those figures are fact.

Now let us enter
the realm of speculation.

In 1840, most of our gold
was in the form of coins.

In 1970, there was
a single gold coin

that sold for $23,000.

At that rate, Governor Broon's
little nest egg
would be worth,

conservatively,
$5 million.

Do you know
what this means?

Yeah, it means I could
buy the world a Coke.

$5 million.

Peter, I'll race you
to the attic.

Now that
the children are gone,

I think we all
have work to do.

Well, I certainly do.
I have a huge stack
of mail on my desk.

BENSON:
Your desk is that way.

I don't care.

Well, see you later.

Where you going, Kraus?
We got 20 people coming
for dinner tomorrow night.

So? I'll take them out
to dinner.

Oh, you people.
I know, Benson.

The chances of finding it
are very slim,

but there might be
$5 million in gold

hidden somewhere
in the mansion.

Think about it.
Ciao.

Morning, Benson.
Good morning, Pete.

Mecca's that way.

Um, uh...

I'm looking for
a contact lens.

Oh, yeah? I didn't know
you wore contact lenses.

Oh, I do,
when I can find them.

I'll search for it later.

Pete.
Yeah.

Who moved the painting?
What painting?

(GRUNTS)
This painting.

Oh, uh,
you know, uh...

You know anything
about that hole?

Oh, yeah,
that was an accident.

(LAUGHS) I just, I happened
to tap on the wall,

and I heard
this hollow sound.
So, uh...

I tapped again
and the wall crumbled.

You do that
with your finger?

Uh, no, with this.

(KRAUS SCREAMS)

(CRASHING)

Kraus, what are you doing
out there in the bushes?

KRAUS: What does it look like
I'm doing, you idiot?

I'm lying in them.

Well, stay there.
I'll get the gardener
to prune you.

Come on, get in here.
What happened, Miss Kraus?

Well, (CLEARS THROAT)
I was just walking along
and I tripped.

Over what?

The chimney.

The chimney? What in the world
were you doing
on the roof, woman?

I know what she was doing.
She was looking for the gold.

On the roof?

I was acting on a hunch.

You see, in the old days,
when the Hessians attacked,

my great grandparents
hid their valuables
on the roof.

Why?

The Hessians were ferocious
on the ground,

but they had
a fear of heights.

That is why they all
rode Shetland ponies.

Why am I listening to this?

Why am I asking you?

A metal detector?
I don't believe this!

You're just jealous because
you didn't think of it first.

Good morning, Marcy.
Morning, everybody.

What happened to you?
Did your car break down?

Um, no,
nothing like that.

I just stopped to do
a little gardening out front.

Gardening?

Well, sort of.

Actually, I noticed this mound
on the front lawn.

Just out of idle curiosity,
I started digging.

With your bare hands?

Yes.

Did you find anything?

Yes.

Well, what was it?

A shoe box with
a dead squirrel in it.

Wait till Katie finds out
you dug up Corky.

Will you people
come to your senses?

Now, the first person
who mentions gold again

is gonna get
thrown out of here.

I know where
we can find the gold.

Well, the second person.

Tell us, sir, how'd you
figure out where the gold is?

Let me see, how do I
make a long story short?

Have somebody else
tell it.

Sir,
where is the gold?

Oh, I'm getting to that.

Now, you all know
what a history buff I am.

(ALL SIGH)

Well, I just couldn't stop
thinking about Icky's letter,

so I called the state archives

and had them send over
everything they had

on Governor Broon's
administration.

And among the official papers,
I found his personal diary.

Fascinating diary. I believe
he carried it with him
to the very end.

You can still see
the tar and feathers on it.

We'll clean it
later, sir.

What did you find
in there, a map?

No, but I think
I found the riddle.

What makes you think so?

Because written next to it
is the word "riddle."

I'll find it
and read it to you.

Oh, here's one I missed.

He used to wax
his moustache.

There's a beauty tip
for you, Kraus.

Sir, the riddle.
Oh, yeah.
Here it is.

"When Hyperion's race
is through,

"lesser steeds
are resting, too.

"Through the window
in the west,
let his glory come to rest.

"When the final glimmer falls,
hearken, El Dorado calls."

What does that mean,
"El Dorado calls"?

It means the gold is in
the trunk of a Cadillac.

No, no, El Dorado
obviously refers

to the legendary
land of gold.

Yeah, but who is this fellow,
Hyperion?

Hyperion was the Greek god
who pulled the sun across
the sky in his chariot.

Oh, that Hyperion.

Oh, that's very good, Clayton.
What does the rest
of it mean?

I don't know yet,

which I find
rather comforting,

because if I can't
figure it out,

then sure as hell
none of you can.

May I see
that page, sir?

Don't let him
see it, sir!

He will memorize it
and then swallow it.

Oh, well, then, Clayton,
maybe I better
let you see it last.

Here, Benson.

"When Hyperion's race
is through,

"lesser steeds
are resting, too."

What do you think?
I think they hung this fellow
for his poetry.

I'll take that.
I'll flip you for it.

Watch it, Clayton.
She isn't talking
about a coin.

Let me have it.
I'll make copies of it.

Look, why don't we all
put our heads together,

we figure this thing out,
then split the money evenly.
How does that sound?

This isn't
an Easter-egg hunt, Peter.

This is hardball,
strictly finders keepers.

I know what
you're trying to do.

You're trying to cut me out.

After I pioneered expeditions
to the basement and the attic.

Big deal.
You came up with zilch.

Yeah, but at least
I don't dig up squirrels.
That's really sick.

I haven't filled
that hole in yet, Pete,
so watch it.

Benson,
we can't just stand here.
They'll kill each other.

I know, sir,
but there's always a chance

that Clayton will be
the first to go.

Now, I won't have any more
of this squabbling.

If there is a treasure here
in this mansion

and if one of you
should find it,

you split it evenly
with the others.

Good thinking, Governor.
I couldn't agree
with you more.

All in favor?
No!

Suppose Clayton
finds the $5 mil

and doesn't tell
the rest of us.

Well, we could always do it
the democratic way.

You mean
appoint a subcommittee

and spend $7 million
to find the $5 million?

That is one way,
but I was thinking

more of a system
of checks and balances.

I know what you're saying.
You mean, We can team up

and one can keep
an eye on the other.

Good idea.
Dibs on Clayton.

I don't want you, Peter.

I'll carry
your metal detector.

We'll see.

How about it, Gretchen?
Should you and I be partners?

Okay,
I trust you, Marcy,

but you better keep
an eye on me.

I'll run off some copies.

Ah, ah!
We're coming with you!

Oh, Clayton,
that isn't necessary.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Calm down, everybody.

Now, we've got
the historical society

coming to dinner
here tonight.

Now, the treasure hunt is off
until after the banquet.

Benson's right. Marcy,
you haven't even typed up
my speech for tonight.

That's because Pete
and Clayton haven't
written it yet, sir.

That is no excuse, Marcy.

Now, we've all
got to get to work.

I want to show
that historical society

a dinner they
will always remember.

Though, I must say,
it seems to me

they have plenty
to remember already.

And until this shindig
is over, nobody
even mentions gold.

Kraus, what's
the first course tonight?

Bullion.

Well, I thought
the historical society dinner
was a great success.

I thought it was boring.

Oh, I didn't think
they were so boring.

I was sorry
to see them leave.

I know, sir.
It's the first time

you finished
an after-dinner speech
in the parking lot.

Hell, I didn't get a chance
to tell them about
Governor Broon's letter

and the $5 million.

Brilliant oversight, sir,
'cause if you had,

they'd still been here
ripping up the floorboards.

Isn't that amazing
what people will do for money?

(SCOFFS)
Human nature, sir.

Yeah, but greed is one
of the seven deadly sins.

That's right up there
with sloth.

Oh, hi.

Well, Marcy,
what are you doing here?

I've come here
to meet my partner

and start looking
for the gold.

It's one o'clock
in the morning.

We promised to wait
until after the historical
society dinner,

but that's all
we promised.

Now, where have
you two been looking?

We haven't
looked anywhere.
Oh, sure.

(CLEARS THROAT) Ah!

Good evening, sir.
Um...

Peter and I thought
we'd come back

and get a head start
on your sales-tax proposal.

That would explain why
Pete's carrying the shovel.

Okay, Marcy, come on.
Let's get going.

I've already
staked out the library.

Hey, the library's ours.

In a pig's eye.

Are we gonna take that?

Peter, mush.

Benson, how much longer
is this gonna go on?

Well, let's face it, sir.

Nobody's gonna
be worth anything

until we find out
if the gold is here or not.

But the odds
against the gold
still being here

in this mansion
are about 10 million to one.

I know.
They're on
a wild-goose chase.

My thoughts exactly.

Of course, there is one thing
we could do
to put an end to it.

You and I could team up.

You mean become a part
of all this craziness?

No, no, of course not.

No, I mean solve the riddle

and prove
that the gold isn't here.

Well...

Partners?

If you want to.

So where do you think
we should start?

Probably with
these blueprints.

Benson,
I know your blueprints

show that the toolshed
used to be the stables,

but why are we
going there?

Do you remember
the beginning of the poem?

Yeah, I think so.

Uh... "When Hyperion's
race is through,

"lesser steeds
are resting, too."

Right, right.
Now, steeds means horses.
Where do horses rest?

I've got it, the stable!
Yeah.

And if you were
hiding money

and wanted to make
a fast getaway,
where would you hide it?

In the limo.

I think I found something.
Huh?

There's a coin wedged
between the floorboards.

Let me see that.

Oh, yippee,
a 1974 quarter.

Clayton,
can I have that back?

Don't be petty.

I'd like to hang on to it
for sentimental reasons.

It's already mixed up with
the other change in my pocket.

Well, there's
obviously nothing here.
Let's check the gazebo.

Clayton.

Well, I see the two of you
have finally succumbed
to the lure of the gold.

No, we just came down
here for handball.

Benson thinks
he's solved the riddle.

Ah? From the movie
"Fat Chance."

Aah!
Excuse me, Benson.

Marcy, I told you
we should follow them.

The men are in cahoots.

They have teamed up
against us.

Don't jump to any conclusions,
Gretchen.

I'm sure there's a perfectly
logical explanation

why the four of them
are here together,

and it better be good.

Benson thinks
the gold is here.

That's good.

You're wasting your time.

We covered every inch
of this place.

You could have missed it.
Go ahead, Benson.

The poem says,

"When Hyperion's race
is through."

Now, if this guy's job

is dragging the sun
through the sky,

his work
is through at sunset.

Obviously.

What's the next part,
Governor?

Uh, "Through the window
in the west,

"let his glory come
to rest."

I figured
what he's talking about

is the last rays of sunlight
through the window.

Elementary,
my dear Benson.

However, if you knew anything
about a compass,

you would know
that the only window
in this room faces south.

If you knew anything
about these blueprints,

you'd know there used to be
a window in this room

and it faces west.

Right up there.

(GASPS)
GOVERNOR: It's been filled in.

So?
Hit it, Governor.

"When the final glimmer
falls
"And that's the sunlight.

"hearken, El Dorado calls."

That's the gold.

The last ray of sunlight
marks the spot.

So all we have to do
is knock a hole in the wall

and let the sunshine in.

Knock a hole in your head
and let some brains in.

It's 2:00
in the morning.

So what'll we do?

Pete, climb the ladder.

No, I can't do it,
Benson.

Heights make me nauseous.

Funny,
you don't look Hessian.

Give it to me.
I'll do it.

Kraus,
turn on the flashlight.

Marcy,
turn off the lights.

Right.
KRAUS: What now?

BENSON: Aim the light
at the floor.

Now,
that's the sunlight.

Now, I'm going on the idea

that as the sun
slowly sets in the west,

the light comes through
the window, across the floor,
and up the wall.

Come on, come on.
Let's go up the wall here
with this.

Yeah, go on.
Keep going.

Keep going.

Hold it, Miss Kraus.
Back down a little.

There's a crack in
the mortar.
(GASPS)

Sir, this is one of the most
farfetched suppositions.

Oh, Clayton, can it.

Hey, this crack,
it goes all the way around.

Hey,
this stone is loose.

Give me something
to pry this out.

There you go, Governor.
Marcy, turn on the light.

Ah! Ah! It's moving!
You mean we found it?

Uh-huh.
(CHEERING)

Eureka!

Hold it, Clayton.

This was Benson's
discovery.

He should have the honor.

Thank you.
Remember, Benson,
we split it six ways.

There doesn't seem to be
anything in here but paper.
That's all?

Maybe it's a check.

No, it's a letter.
Read it.

"Dear Icky,
when you hid the gold,

"Philippe and I were watching

"from our favorite
rendezvous spot,

"the hayloft.

"By the time you read this,

"your trusty stable boy,
the gold, and I

"will be on a clipper ship
bound for Spain.

"Faithfully yours, Dolly."

A clipper ship
bound for Spain,

all that gold,
and Philippe,

how romantic.

I hope the ship sank.

Now I wish I'd told
my ex-wife about this.

I'd like her to share
the disappointment.

This reminds me of that time
in the third grade

when Louis Ryan
took my cupcake.

He went to Spain, too.

With your cupcake?

Oh, I don't think so,
Benson.

He was in his 30s
when he left.

Come now, people.
Be of good cheer.

Someday we'll laugh about
all this.

(LAUGHS SADLY)

I'll let you
in on a secret.

If I had found that gold,
I would have retired

and spent the rest of my life
on a tropical island.

If I get you a palm tree,

will you spend the rest
of your life in your room?

Well listen to this,
"The price of gold went down."
So?

So that means the treasure
would be worth
only four million now.

Oh, that makes
me feel a lot better.

Payday, Marcy.

Thanks, Benson.
Gretchen.

Oh, this is great.
A good day's pay
for a week's work.

All these deductions.
What can I buy with
what is left here?

Now you can buy those socks
you always wanted.

Benson,
have you seen the shovel?

I think Pete left it out back,
Katie.
Thanks.

What do you want
with the shovel, honey?

You aren't gonna believe this,

but some sicko dug up Corky.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)