Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 21 - All Shook Up - full transcript

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(OPENING THEME PLAYING)

BENSON: 555-6749.

555-6749.

What do these
stock market
numbers mean?

555-2...
Up two, down three.

Three.
Up one,
down two.

Ohh!

What do you think?

Should I invest
in stocks or in gold?

Invest in a muzzle.

Or should I take a flyer
on a chinchilla ranch?



Would you be
living at the ranch?

You know what the irony is?

If I had put my money into
Polaroid stocks 30 years ago

you know where I'd be today?

You'd be bugging
James Garner instead of me.

Hey, Benson. Thanks for
the new office. It's great.

Glad you like it.
Ah, you know, now that
you mention it,

I'm not too fond
of that furniture.

It's the same furniture
you had before.

Yeah, but I didn't have
a fancy office then.

You don't have
a fancy office now.

I would if
I had better furniture.

All right, all right.

The extra furniture
is in the basement.



Choose what you want,
and I'll have somebody
move it up here.

Fantastic. You know,
Ms. Kraus,
you're all out of cookies.

I'll be in the basement.

How can I stop him
from eating everything?

How good are you
with a bow and arrow?

Did you just feel
the building shake?

Probably a truck diving by.

No, I'm sure
I felt the earth move.

Maybe you're just in love.

Hi, Miss Kraus.
Hi, Liebchen.

See, Daddy,
there's another one.
Yeah.

Another what?
Earthquake.

Earthquake?
Don't be silly, Katie.

This isn't California.

No, Katie's right, Benson.

It was on the news
this morning.

We've been experiencing
increased seismic activity.

Is that another way
of saying that

the ground's gonna
open up and swallow us?

Oh, it's nothing that serious.

We get these little shakers
every 20 years or so.

They never amount to much.

The worst damage
I ever heard of

was when I was in high school,

Old man Norton's
outhouse collapsed.

BENSON: Mmm-hmm.

He wasn't hurt,

but they never did find
his pocket watch.

Thank you for sharing that.

Morning, everybody.
Good morning.

Oh, Marcy,
I'll be in my office.

Marcy, how's the dentist?

Oh, he's fine.

Nobody was drilling
in his mouth.

Did you feel
the earthquake?

Can't feel a thing.
I'm shot full of Novocain.

(PHONE RINGING)

Did you say earthquake?

Hello.

Oh, hello, Clayton.

Well, what cabinet
you looking in?

Never mind.
I'll be right there.

Ah. Clayton needs me
in the supply room.

Ah, Marcy, we moved the
supplies to Pete's old office.

And where's Pete?
Just follow the crumbs.

Ah, you took your own
sweet time getting here.

If you wanted O.J. Simpson,
you should have asked for him.

I don't need
to rent a car.

I need staples
for my stapler.

What size?

What do you mean what size?
Staple size.

So you don't know the size.

(SIGHS)

All right, just give me
some paperclips.

Well, you're in
the wrong cabinet.

(RUMBLING)

Huh. There it is again.

There what is again?

We've been having
some more tremors.

Tremors?
Where did
you hear that?

From Katie.
Oh!

Out of the mouths of babes
into the ears of boobs.

Oh, she told you, too, huh?

May I just have
my paperclips?

Well, they should
be over here in this
mess somewhere.

Well, listen, the least
you could do, man,

is help me pick this up.

Oh? Are you going to help me
draft a consumer rights bill?

Well, you're the one that
wanted the paperclips.

No, I wanted staples.

I am settling for paperclips.

Listen, Clayton, I know things
get tough around here,

and you are under
a lot of pressure.

So if you ever need a friend,

buy a dog.

I'm getting a little fed up
of these wisecracks
and innuendos.

Clayton, why don't you
go back to your office?

I'll send you
the paperclips.

And how long
will that take?

If I bring them myself, it'll
take a couple of minutes.

But since I'm gonna mail them,
allow six weeks for delivery.

(RUMBLING)

What is... What?
Hey!

(BOTH CLAMORING)

Look out, Clayton!
Oh!

Aah!

(RUMBLING RECEDES)

KRAUS: Whoa.

MARCY: Whew!

I think it's over.

Is that what you call
a little shaker, sir?

Is everybody okay?

Yeah.
Yeah.

I certainly hope
that's the last of them.

I'm gonna get in touch
with civil defense.

Why did we have to hide
under the table?

So nothing would fall on us.

The table could fall on us.

The phones are dead.

(WHISTLING)

Pete, are you okay?
Yeah, sure, why?

MARCY:
We just had an earthquake.

Didn't you feel it?

Well, yeah,
but I thought I did it.

You see, this rug was under
a stack of furniture.

When I pulled it out,
everything went kablooey.

We got a heck of a mess
in the basement.

Don't anybody panic.

We'll have the Governor
out in no time.

Captain McDermott,
I'm right here.

Oh, good, sir.

We thought you
were in your office.

That section of the old wing
was cut off by the cave-in.

Cave-in? Where?
The hallway leading
to the annex, sir.

Talk about luck, my office
used to be right there.

My Lord, Benson's in there.

He went to the supply room.

I think Clayton's
in there, too.

We'll dig them out, sir.

The fire department's
already on the way.
Captain McDermott,

I'm gonna have to have
some phones set up here.

We'll make the kitchen
our command post.

You got them, sir.
Pete, get in touch
with maintenance,

and tell them
to shut off the gas.

And make sure
we have an emergency
power hook-up.

Right. Watch my rug.

Oh, Marcy, see if you can
scout up a portable radio.

Yes, sir.
There's one
in my room, Marcy.

Okay.
I'll clean up
this mess.

Daddy, are Benson and Clayton
gonna be all right?

Honey, the sooner we can
get things organized,

the sooner
we can get to them.

Daddy, you didn't
answer my question.

Are they gonna be all right?

Don't worry, honey.

Ugh.

Huh!

Oh, no!

Benson, we're trapped.

Come and give me a hand!

Benson!

Benson?

Benson, where are you?

Benson!

(GROANS)

Benson, Benson,
thank goodness
you're alive.

What happened?

It was an earthquake,
just like you said.

It was incredible.
Everything shook.

The ceiling
started to fall.

Look at this place.
It's a mess.

Uh, Clayton, have you noticed
this large object

lying on top of me?

Yeah, I tried to lift it.
It's too heavy.

Oh.

Maybe you should get
some help.

I can't do that, Benson.
The phone is dead.

The door is jammed.

We're (STUTTERING)
trapped in here.

Do you think you're hurt?

I'd hate to feel this way
and be all right.

Uh, maybe you can
get some leverage
on this thing.

Benson, I majored
in political science,

not engineering.

I (STUTTERING) realize that
in this particular situation,

it seems like
a frivolous subject,

but all my friends
were taking it.

How was I to know
you were gonna be
depending on me one day?

Well, calm down, Clayton.
You're gonna be all right.

Aha, I've got it!
My belt!

What are you gonna do,
hang yourself?

Now, if I only
had a pulley.

If you only had a brain.

I am doing my best.

If you would offer
some suggestions

instead of
constantly criticizing,

maybe we could
get you out of there.

I have a suggestion.

Put your belt back on
before your pants fall down.

Oh, I found a board.
I found a board!

We're rich! We're rich!

I am going to
take this board.

I am going to slip it
under the cabinet.

Then, using the
power of leverage,

I am going to
lift the cabinet

so that you can
slide out from under it.

Could you cut the
lecture short
and just do it?

All right.
All right, now.

Here goes.
Okay, easy.

Easy, man.

Oh, wait a minute.
Okay, okay.

Hurry, Benson.
This is heavy.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh.

You got it?
Yeah, I'm out.

You're out?
Yeah. Oh!

Watch it! Watch it!
Thank you.

Hey.
Whew!

I thought sure I was
gonna drop that on you.
So did I.

Ah, but I didn't panic.

I remained clear-headed.

I want you to know
that I appreciate it.

And now
you're fine, right?

Right.
No broken bones.

Good, 'cause there's
something I have to do.

What's that?

Help me!

Help me!

We're trapped!

We're trapped!
(BANGING)

According to
those eggheads
over at the university,

the quake was centered
right there in the
Miller's Lake area.

Any idea
of the extent
of the damage?

Yes, sir, the
fire department estimates

we've lost power
and water to half the city.

In the business district,
it's mostly inventory damage.

And the trailer park
where I live

no longer has
easy access to Highway 14.

What's the word
on Benson and Clayton?

We ran into
a little luck there, sir.

The engineer tells me
if they're in the supply room,

they're probably all right.

Probably?

How long will it be
before you can get them out?

That's hard to say.
We have to work very slowly.

If we move
the wrong thing,

we'll have to get those guys
out of there with a spatula.

You'll have telephones
very shortly, sir.

I contacted my brother-in-law
over at the phone company.

He doesn't like me,
but he's afraid of me.

Captain McDermott
certainly is
his own man.

Who else would have him?

Oh!

Oh! I don't believe this.

If I ever get out
of here alive

I'm never gonna make fun
of coal miners again.

Shh!

I hadn't said anything.

Shush!
(BANGING)

Listen!
Do you hear that?

(METAL CLANKING)

Sounds like digging.
Ha-ha.

They're coming for us.
We're saved.

We're in here!
We're in here!

Shh!
Don't shush me.

You shushed me!

I'm the Chief of Staff.
Shh!

Listen.

I don't hear anything.
That's what I mean.

Oh, they've given up.

They're not coming for us.

Clayton, things are bad enough
without you falling apart.

I am not falling apart!

I'm just handling it badly.

You've been
in tough situations
before, haven't you?

Once.

When I was 11, I was trapped
on top of a Ferris wheel

with my older brother
Darwin.

Darwin?

I was a nervous wreck.

But you
got through it, right?

Only because
he sang to me.

He always sang to me
when I was scared.

Your brother Darwin
sang to you.

You don't suppose
you could sing
to me, Benson?

Get out of here.

Please, Benson?
I helped you,
now you help me.

I'm not gonna sing, fool.

All right.
It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

It's all over.

(SOBBING)

♪ I'm gonna sit right down

♪ And write myself a letter

Slower.

♪ And make believe
they came from you

♪ I'm gonna write words,
oh, so sweet

(SOBBING)

♪ They're gonna knock you
off your feet

BOTH: ♪ A lot of kisses
on the bottom

♪ I'll be glad I got them

Harmonize.

♪ I'm gonna smile and say

♪ "I hope you're
feeling better"

♪ And close with love
the way you do

♪ I'm gonna sit right down
and write myself a letter

♪ And make believe
it came from you

One more time!

♪ I'm gonna
sit right down... ♪

Are you telling me
you ran over my bicycle?

No, not me personally.
It was a fire truck.

You shouldn't have
left that bicycle
in the driveway.

I am going to complain
to the fire department,

and I want you as a witness.

Well, I don't think
I can do that.
Why not?

I was kind of involved.
Involved? How?

I was the guy who said,
"Come on back."

Now they're clearing
the rubble out of
the old annex.

Oh, that's good.

Governor's...

Governor's mansion. Oh, yes,
just one minute, please.

Governor, it's Mr. Grundy,
the contractor
with the bulldozers.

Henry, we ask you to make
some of your bulldozers
available to us.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)
No, we can't pay you
in advance.

All right, I'm
willing to listen.

Governor's mansion.

Oh, yeah, one minute, please.
Governor, it's Washington.

Oh, Henry, explain this
to my assistant, Miss Hill.

I have Washington
on the other line. Right.

Yes,
Governor Gatling speaking.

Hello, Mr. Grundy.
This is Marcy Hill.

No, I can't sign checks
for the Governor. Why?

Yes, you heard right.
An earthquake.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)
What do you mean
"describe it to you"?

Turn on the news.
Yeah, Governor's
command post.

Yeah, she's right here.
Slow down, Mr. Grundy.

Hey, Marcy, it's
Bishop Somebody-or-other.

Mr. Grundy, I got to
give you to Mr. Downey.

He'll be glad
to work things out with you.

Hey, what's the problem?

Hello, Bishop.

Well, I am the
Governor of the state.

Why would I make this up?
(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Gretchen,
could you get this?

Bishop, we need to
put about 100 cots
in your gymnasium.

Hello?

Well, couldn't you have
basketball practice
another day?

No, I didn't know
St. Mary's was a powerhouse.

Yeah, this is
the Governor's mansion.

Since when are you
cutting back on
disaster relief?

Reuters news service
from London.

No, no, you didn't get
the wrong number.

This is America.
Pete, it's for you.
Reuters.

Hang on, I'm giving you
to our bulldozer expert.

Kraus, this is Grundy.
Good luck.

Hello, this is
Pete Downey.
Hello!

Bishop,
I see your problem.

Grandville?
That's your first name?

What can I do for you?

I can't fill out the forms

until I have
the forms to fill out.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Katie!

All right, fine.
Talk to your supervisor.

I'll wait.
Hello?

Of course I understand
basketball.

I'm a former
all-state cheerleader.

Miss Kraus, I don't know
what this guy wants.
You better talk to him.

Okay, you talk to
Mr. Grundy.

Hello!
Hello, I'm still here.
I haven't gone anywhere.

It's Katie Gatling,
Mr. Grundy.

I'm in the fifth grade
with your daughter Tracy.

Stop whispering.
I can barely hear you.

I didn't know
we were big news in England.

Let me ask you something.

What do you think
of this chick
the prince is marrying?

Okay, Mr. Grundy,
you do whatever
you think is right

about the bulldozers.

I'll still be Tracy's friend.

Of course, I don't know
about the other kids.

No, I'm still here.
What's your
supervisor say?

Oh, he's sending
you personally.

Good, I want to
meet you.

What's my address?
I'm in the book.

I still cannot
hear you.

Why are you
huffing and puffing?

Why should I
describe to you
what I am wearing?

Oh, thanks again, Bishop.
And when they
deliver the cots,

I'll have the National Guard
wear sneakers, okay. Bye-bye.

Well, my question is
if he's a prince,

why does he bother
marrying anybody, you know?

Hello?
They hung up.

Gee, Mr. Grundy, I think
you made a good decision.

I'll be sure to
tell everybody.
Goodbye.

Oh, Katie, I wanted
to talk to Mr. Grundy

about some bulldozers.

Oh, that's okay, Daddy.
He said we could
have them for free.

Free?

It's amazing what
a little guilt can do.

It's been seven hours.
We might as well face it.

They're not coming for us.

They may not be
coming for you,
but they're coming for me.

For all we know,
everything outside this room
has been destroyed.

You and I could be
the only ones living.

And this is the
end of mankind
as we know it.

I wonder what it's like
to go mad.

Surely you remember.

I really feel like
I'm losing it.

Do you want to sing
some more songs?

No, I'm all sung out.

You go ahead
if you want to.

Clayton, you know
those people out there

are doing everything
they can to get to us.

It's just gonna take time.

Well, I hope they get here
before we starve to death.

You're not gonna starve.
It's only been seven hours.

Yes, but I skipped breakfast
this morning.

So did I.

And you're not hungry?

Well, I am now,
talking about all this food.

I'm not talking about food.
I am talking about starving.

And that implies food.

No, it implies
a lack of food.

Which is the very subject
I didn't want to bring up,

so drop it.
Fine.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

When I was looking
for the staples,

I noticed something.

It looked like
a Christmas gift.

Great.
That's all we need is a tie.

Benson.
Benson, look.

Champagne!

Now all we need
are noise-makers
and party hats.

Not even a bad year.

Let's open it up.
Now, now,
now, now, Benson.

There's a right way
and a wrong way
to do everything.

(CREAKING)
Oh.

(CREAKING CONTINUES)

What's the right way?

Hi, Marcy.
Where's the Governor?

He'll be right back.
He's talking to the press.

Well, I guess these reports
can wait till he gets back.

Care to join me
in a cup of joe?

Excuse me?
Coffee.
Would you like a cup?

Oh, yeah, please.

Looks like it's
gonna be a long night.

You know, for somebody
who's just been
through an earthquake,

you're looking pretty good.

Thank you.
Of course, to me,

you always look
pretty good.

Anymore damage reports
come in?

You know, basically,

I'm a shy guy.

Ah.

You know the kind,
strong, silent.

Silent sounds appealing.

Look, Marce,

I'm not one of
those young kids

just out for
a cheap thrill.

Captain McDermott...

Call me Dennis.

What I'm getting at is,

if we ever
get out of this mess,

how'd you like to go out
and tip a couple of
brewskies together?

Maybe dance
a slow dance or two?

Captain McDermott,

I am a married woman.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Did you know
you're a married man?

Yeah.

Sorry.

Guess it's just
the tension and the pressure.

Started to think of myself
as Charlton Heston.

Excuse me?

Well, he always makes out
during a natural disaster.

It's been kind of
a dream of mine.

Well, wake up.

You're right. Right.

But I am a lot
like Heston, you know.

Tall, tough, together.

We even have the same hair.

You know what
they used to
call me in Korea?

(RUMBLING)

What's Korean
for "chicken"?

Aha.

You really don't like me,
do you, Benson?

Well...

No.

There's a couple of things
about you, Clayton,

that just drive me
up a wall.

I'm pompous, officious,
smug, stuck-up.

You hit the top four.

There was a time
when I was very popular.

A long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away.

At Princeton, they used
to call me Mr. Funhouse.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, I remember a time
I went to a lecture

with my pants on backwards.

Tee-hee.

You don't think
that's funny?

Probably was.

Probably?

Don't you get it?

I get it. It's a guy
with his pants on
backwards.

Ahh. I don't think
you really get it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Maybe if you saw it.

Forget it, baby.
I don't think
it's gonna be funny.

Well, there it is, Benson.

That's our relationship
in a nutshell.

We'll never get along.

We're from
two different worlds.

Right. I'm from earth.

(CACKLES)

Now, see,
I don't think that's funny.

(CHUCKLES)

You and your
sarcastic remarks.

Well, I don't get sarcastic
until you get overbearing.

I only get overbearing
when things aren't done right.

So you think
I'm incompetent.

Benson, I think you're
very good at your job.

You never tell me.

Fine.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Benson, you do
a hell of a job.

You really mean it?
Cross my heart
and hope to die.

Now, you tell me

that I do a hell of a job.

Sure, sure.
I got no problem with that.

You do a hell of a job.

Thank you.

Benson, I'd like
to propose a toast.

Another one?

To Benson.
I like it so far.

(GRUNTS)

Hey, it's okay!
They're alive!

Come on, you guys.
Let's get out of here.

Okay, hold it.
Hold it just a minute.

Go ahead, Clayton.

To Benson,

a man I admire
and respect.

Thank you.

Now you toast.

To Benson,
a man I admire
and respect.

Now, that's funny.

No, I'm telling you.
Clayton's not a bad guy.

I think something
must have hit
you on the head.

It's probably Clayton.

Benson, the
wallpaper you chose
for the hallway

shows excellent taste.
Thank you.

No. Thank you.

BENSON: You're welcome.

See?
Maybe something
hit Clayton on the head.

I think
I just witnessed a miracle.

No, you just
don't understand him.

Benson, I just saw
the new carpeting

you selected
for the entrance way.

It makes the place look like a
cheap Hawaiian hotel. Fix it.

On the other hand,
maybe there were two of him.