Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 20 - The Governor's House Call - full transcript

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(OPENING THEME PLAYING)

"Continued on page 70."

Hey, who tore page 70
out of my mystery magazine?

This cookie recipe
was on page 71.

Yeah, but you got the page
in which they name the killer.

Come on.
Don't you know who did it?

I know who's gonna do it.

It was the doctor.

You better watch
yourself, Kraus.

You know, with a good lawyer,
I'd be out in four years.

Are my cookies ready,
Miss Kraus?



Almost. Be sure to share them
with Tommy und Sally.

Okay.

It's nice of you to do
this, Gretchen. Thanks.

Sure.

Now, you have a good time
this weekend, Liebchen.

You really gonna
take all the kids to
the amusement park?

Are you kidding?
That's all they've been
able to talk about.

Marcy promised to go
on the Gut Buster with us.

Oh, yeah?
The Gut Buster, huh?

Your insurance paid up?

What does that mean?
Oh, nothing.

I hear they made
it a lot safer.

Safer?

I got to admire you, Marcy.



I rode it... Once.

I broke into a cold sweat.
My knees were shaking.

I couldn't catch my breath.

And that's while I was
still standing in line.

What's so funny?
I don't find that funny.

Yeah, right.
Let's not talk about it.

That's fine with me.

Actually, the beginning of
the ride isn't that bad.
It's very slow.

Oh, that's nice.

That's because you're
climbing straight up.

It goes up and up and up,

and then you get to
the top, and it starts down.

Boy, there you are,
staring dead into eternity.

And your mouth is wide open.

You can't scream because
your heart is in your mouth.

And of course,
you hope you die, but
unfortunately you don't die.

I don't want to
hear anymore.

But he hasn't gotten
to the best part yet.

I don't care.
I'm not going up
on that thing.

You said you would.
I lied.

What's the matter,
Marcy, chicken?

She's not chicken.
Are you, Marcy?

We'll talk about
it in the car.

Bye, everybody.
See you Monday.

Happy landings, Marcy.

Oh, cute.
You're very cute.

Well, I hope they
have a good time.

You know, when I was
a girl in Bavaria,

we didn't have
amusement parks.

But every spring,
the carnival came to town.

Here we go again.
KRAUS: Ja.

The dancing bears,
the jugglers,
the bearded baby...

The what?

The bearded baby.

Und the star attraction
had a crush on me.

He even took me
out to dinner.
(CHUCKLES)

Didn't work out, though.

Why not?
He was a fire-eater.

So?

So, every time he laughed,
I had to duck.

Talk about dragon breath.
(WHISTLES)

Why do you feel you must
share these stories with me?

Jack Beddoes took another
swipe at the Governor
in his column today.

Did you see it?

I never read
that Jack Beddoes.
Every day he lies.

This time he's gone
too far. Here, listen to this.

"Talk around town
is that Governor
'Clean Gene' Gatling

may soon be recalled."

I'm gonna demand a retraction.

What's there to retract?

It's all rumors...
Rumors without fact.

This is the same guy
we have to peel off
the bar at every press party.

Now, there's a fact.

Has the Governor
seen this yet?

No, he's too busy
getting ready for
his navy reunion dinner.

He's really looking
forward to it.

Yeah, he's been singing
Anchors Aweigh all morning.

I'm gonna get on this
first thing Monday.

Got any plans
this weekend?

I had a date with
this really terrific girl,
but she canceled.

Why?
She doesn't like me.

Too bad you and Clayton
have to work late. Not me.

I'm going out und
have myself a wild time.

Don't forget
your library card.

Oh, Benson, I want you
to meet Scooter McFee,

formerly Lieutenant
McFee of the US Navy.

Oh, glad to meet you, sir.
Heard a lot about you.

Heard a lot about you, too,
Benson, some of it good.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Haven't lost it,
have I, Gene?

The same old Scooter.

Has Gene told you
how I got the name Scooter?

I asked him not to.

We were on liberty
in Shanghai.

I got into a crap game
and lost all our money.
(LAUGHS)

Including our
rickshaw fare.

Gene had to walk
back to the ship.

You'll never guess
how I got there.

On a scooter?

I didn't tell him.

But you remember
that liberty in Honolulu?

No, I don't...

So it must have been great.

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

You see what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, he's something.
He's something.
He's something.

That was the time
I nearly got tattooed.

You?
Yeah!

I wanted a big one
right across my chest,

but fortunately,
the tattoo artist

didn't know what
Myrna Loy looked like.

But he knew what
Betty Grable looked like.
Here, do you want to see?

No, no, if you don't mind,
I'd prefer to remember

Betty Grable without
hair on her forehead.

I don't know how many
times this big lug here
saved my bacon.

Whenever I went out
for a good time,

he was always there
with the bail money.

Good, good, good.

(CHUCKLING
SARCASTICALLY)

Well, Benson,
I hate to drag him away,

but I guess
we better get going.

Yeah, I guess you better.

Okay, but they wouldn't
dare start that dinner

without us there
to lead them in...

♪ Anchors aweigh, my boys

♪ Anchors aweigh

♪ Farewell to college joys

♪ We sail at break of day

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

And we won that war anyway.

(HUMMING)

Hmm.

(CHUCKLES)

(GROANS)

My friends...

Thank you for welcoming me
into your homes this evening.

I come to you,
not only as governor
of this great state,

but also as
a concerned citizen...

And an impostor.

Benson, what are
you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Nothing, I...
Oh, don't get up.

I won't tell anybody.

There's nothing to tell.

I just happen to be sitting
in the Governor's chair.

Did you happen to like it?

Benson, I have been
drafting a rebuttal to that

libelous item
in Jack Beddoes'
column this morning.

Oh, I see, and you thought
you'd put yourself in
the Governor's shoes.

And in his chair.

I'm surprised you're
not wearing his suit.

Hi, fellas, I'm back.

How was the
reunion dinner, sir?

Nobody makes a finer
chicken a la king

than the US Navy.

I gather you had
a good time.

Oh, I did.
Scooter was in rare form.

He switched the signs
in the hotel lobby,

and we ended up
in an Evelyn Wood
speed-reading class.

Took us 10 minutes
to figure out where we were.

Too bad you couldn't
read faster.

By the time the party
broke up, Scooter
was raring to go.

He wanted me to do
the town with him.

Why didn't you?

Because the Governor
must protect the dignity
of his office.

Then he'd better
get out of that hat.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Governor's office.

What?

Who is this?

Oh, hold on.

It's Scooter.
Sounds like he's in bad shape.

I hope he's not
in jail.

Hello, Scooter.
It's Gene.

What?

All right, but, Scooter, we're
not gonna take any chances.

I'm coming over,
and I'm bringing a doctor.

What's your address?

1880 Maple Street.

Okay, Scooter, I'm on
my way. Bye-bye.

He says he's sick,
and he says he wants me
to come pick him up.

Clayton, would you
call Dr. Philips

and ask him to meet us
there just in case?

Benson, would you
come with me?

It may take the two
of us to handle him.

Handle him? Maybe we
should call the shore patrol.

Dr. Philips,
this is an emergency.

Meet Governor Gatling at
1880 Maple Street immediately.

I hate answering machines.

I'm coming with you, sir.

Oh, I sent
the chauffeur home.

Oh, that's all right, sir.
We'll take Benson's car.
Good.

Why don't
we take your car?

It's a two-seater.

Oh, I see. Just enough room
for you and all your friends.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yes?

We were given this address.
We're looking for a friend.

Ahh, yes, of course.
Won't you come in, please?

Good evening.

You must be the
plumbers from Milwaukee.

Won't you make
yourselves comfortable?

I'll announce you.

This is a lovely home.

The plumbers
from Milwaukee?

Well, Scooter was probably
drunk. Who knows what he said?

What sort of place
is this, anyway?

It looks like
Queen Victoria's rumpus room.

With this bar here,
it could be some
kind of social club.

I don't think
it's the YMCA.

What is the house number?

1880.

Good lord.

What's the matter?
We're in the 1880 Club.

GOVERNOR: What's that?

The local house of joy.

Well, it looks
cheerful enough.

Depends on
what cheers you up.

Oh, you mean...

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Well, I guess Scooter
hasn't changed.

I remember one
time in San Diego...

No, no, sir...
Sir, not now.

We've got to get out of here
before you're seen.

Think of your career.
Think of mine.

Think of Scooter.
That's why we're here.

Good evening, gentlemen.
Good evening.

How can I help you?

Well, we're looking
for a man.

You've come
to the wrong place.

His name's Scooter.
You can't miss him.

He's loud, paunchy,
middle-aged, wears glasses.

Go on.

He's got a hairy tattoo
of Betty Grable on his chest.

Maybe he's in
the Jacuzzi. I'll check.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Hello?

(LAUGHS)

Governor Gatling here?

I think you must have
the wrong number.

No, I'm Governor Gatling.

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

Good old Harry.
Always kidding.

Last week he thought
he was the president.

I thought
you looked familiar.

You are the governor.
I voted for you.

Hello? Scooter?
Where are you?

We thought you
were here, sick.

That's not funny, Scooter.

No, it won't be funnier
in the morning.

Good night.

I'm sorry, fellas.

It's one of Scooter's
practical jokes.

Well, I'm practically
laughing.

Sir, let's get
out of here.

I'm sorry to
have bothered you.

Oh, it's no bother, sir.
It's an honor.

I'm Peggy Rhodes.

Well, how do you do?
How do you do?

Oh, this is Benson.

Benson.
How are you?

Sir...
And this is?

George Bernard Shaw.

I thought he was dead.

Junior.

Sir, we must be leaving.

Yes, we'd better.
It was very nice meeting you.

I'm always happy to meet
somebody who voted for me.

Particularly a homeowner.

I felt your opponent
was a hypocrite.

You know that speech
he delivered on
our declining morality?

Yes.
He wrote it at that bar.

(LAUGHTER)

Governor, shouldn't we be
doing other things,

like vacating the premises?

Yes, we'd better go.

You know, I had a cousin
once named Peggy

who had beautiful blond hair
just like yours.

Well, thank you, Governor,
but this is one of my wigs.

You know,
gentlemen prefer blondes.

Oh, I certainly do.

It's one
of my favorite musicals.

That and Call Me Madam.

If we don't get out of here,
they'll call you "unemployed."

Well, good night.

Good night, Governor.
And keep up the good work.

Oh, you, too.

(SIRENS WAIL)

Good lord, it's a raid!

No, not again.

What are we gonna do?

Where's the Jacuzzi?

What good will that do?

Depends on how long
you can hold your breath.

Is there another
way out of here?

Yes, but it's no help.
It leads to an alley that goes
to the front of the house.

Oh, we better find
a place to hide.

All we have to do
is tell the police

we were here visiting
a sick friend.

Who isn't sick.
Right.

Who isn't here.
Right.

Isn't much of a story,
is it?

No way out that way.

We can all relax, gentlemen.

The siren belongs
to a fire engine.

There's smoke coming from
the house across the street.

But still. We'd better
get out of here before
something else happens.

Yeah. Well, good night again,
Miss Rhodes.

We can't get out this way.
Why not?

Because the streets are full
of people watching the fire

and TV cameras
watching the people.

Oh, no, we're gonna be
on Eyewitness News.

Somebody is bound
to come into this
room sooner or later.

Governor, we've got to
get you out of sight.

Miss Rhodes, do you have
a room that's unoccupied?

Just room six,
but it's reserved for
an important client.

He should be
here any minute.

Ms. Rhodes?

Some of our guests are getting
uptight about those sirens.

Oh, it's just a fire engine,
nothing to lose sleep over.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Good lord.
It's Jack Beddoes.

Who?
The gossip columnist.

The guy who's been
picking on you.

Oh, that Jack Beddoes!

I'd like to give him
a piece of my mind.

Not now! Not now.

Sir, he's coming
up the steps.

If he sees you in here,
you're finished.

Well, he can't say anything
without incriminating himself.

He'll say he
followed you here.

He'd be lying.

That's what
he does best.

Sir, quickly.
We'd better hide.

Oh, all right.

Clayton!

Open up, Clayton!

Open the door!
Come on, Clayton!

Come on. Oh, come on.
Oh, no.

This is for me!
Get out of here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Big Jack is back.

Oh, what's the matter, Mack?
They keeping you waiting?

You ought to do what I do,
buy a season ticket. (LAUGHS)

Where is everybody anyway?

Hey, bartender!

Hey, you, bartender!

You called?

Where are the girls?

Well, haven't you heard?
We're out of business.

We had a big clearance sale.
The bar's closed.

Just what I need,
a funny bartender.

Get over here
and get me a scotch.

♪ Short people got no reason

♪ Short people got no reason

♪ With their tiny little feet

♪ Grubby little... ♪

I wanted it neat.

That is neat.
You should see
my Bloody Marys.

Wait a minute.
Don't I know you
from someplace?

You ever been
to Fantasy Island?

What?
(AS TATTOO)
De plane! De plane!

Oh, hi, Jackie.
Oh, hi!

You have room six as usual.
Oh, you like my outfit?

Yeah, but I think I liked you
better as little Bo Peep.

(BLEATING LIKE SHEEP)
(LAUGHS)

Oh, Benson, that was close.
Let's get out of here.

I'll see if that crowd's
still out there.

Come on, Clayton,
get out. He's gone.

Why did you lock the door?

Well, sir, there was no sense
in all of us being caught.

Well, let's hope none of us
will get caught. Come on.

Forget it.
The street's packed.

The fire's definitely a hit.

I'm afraid there's no
way out of here, sir.

Well, there is a way,
but I don't think
you'll like it, sir.

Well, at this point,
I'm ready to try anything.
Be right back!

Where's he going, to lock the
door again? Come on, Clayton!

Here, sir, try this on.

Clayton!

I told you, you wouldn't
like it, sir. But you
only have to wear it

from the front door
to Benson's car.

It's a half a block.
He can't wear that!

Benson, if you have
a better idea, let's hear it.

He's right, sir.
It's only a half a block.

Now wait a minute!

That's just it.
We don't have a minute.

Oh, all right!

There.

You think that would
fool anybody?

No, but it might
frighten them.

I just can't see myself
in a blond wig.

You're lucky.

Sir, there are other
wigs if you'd prefer.

But what about...
There are coats, too, sir.

All right.
You won't regret it, sir.

What about you, Clayton?
What about me?

If they recognize you,

they're bound to take
a closer look at the Governor.

That's right.
And there are other wigs.
You said so yourself.

Oh, come on, Benson.
I'm not the type.

Are you saying I am?

Well, no, sir.

Get dressed!
Yes, sir.

We'll be right
back, Benson.

(EFFEMINATELY) Let me know
when you're decent.

For anyone interested
in the weather,
the coast is clear.

How do I look, Benson?

You think I can
make it to the car?

Well, you can probably
make it to the car,

but don't go
into a bar alone.

Where's Clayton?

Coming out, but no
wisecracks, you got it?

That's an implied
wisecrack, Benson.

I think it's a nice
outfit, Clayton.

And the mustache makes
you look sort of European.

Thank you, sir.

This way, ladies.

I'm here to see
Governor Gatling.

Oh, well, I'm sure you
have the wrong house.

No, I'm sure that this
is the correct address.

I'm Dr. Wellmont.
I'm covering
Dr. Philips' calls.

Hi.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Hi.

Hi.
Higher.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Hi.

Say, you look familiar.
Don't I know you?

That's a very
old line, mister.

Uh, listen, why don't you
ladies wait for me

in the office over there?

This way, sir.

Sir?

Yeah, well,
that's short for Serenity.

Oh, interesting name.

Interesting girl.

Well, the Governor
isn't here yet.
I'll just wait.

Yeah.

Would you like to have
a drink while you're waiting?

Well, I generally don't drink
on house calls,

but then, generally
I don't make house calls.

I'd love one.
Good, go get the bartender.

Where is he?
In room six.

GOVERNOR: (HIGH-PITCHED)
Who is it?

(HIGH-PITCHED) It's me,
Benson. Come on out.

Your wig! Your wig!

These things are hot. I don't
know how women wear them.

Bartender! Right away.

Here. Compliments of
the house. Good night.

I cannot believe
what just happened.

Some bozo with a black bag
barged into my room

and ordered a mai tai.

Oh, new talent.

Would you ladies
care to join me in a drink?

We don't drink
with strangers.

You should take up
another profession.

These ladies
were just leaving.

But the evening is young.

Yes, but they aren't.

You forgot your car keys.
See you around.

Hey, uh...
(CLEARS THROAT)

Why don't you ditch your
skinny friend and come back?

Why don't you walk west
till your hat floats?

Hey.

Why don't you
ditch your tall friend
and come back?

You couldn't afford me,
sweetie.

I like your spirit.
What's your name?

Scooter.

Scooter, huh?

I wonder where
she got that name.

Shanghai.

Oh! Oh!

All right, nobody move.
This is a raid.

What are you doing here?
You just ruined my stakeout.

Stakeout?

Yes, you weren't
supposed to be here for
another six minutes.

Let me see your I.D.

Sergeant Tomkins.

Captain Williams.
Vice squad.

Perhaps you've heard of me,
man of a thousand colors.

Let me see your I.D.

I never carry an I.D.
when I'm working undercover.

I carry an I.D.
when I'm working undercover.

That's why I'm a captain
and you're a sergeant.

This is lieutenant Schmell,
my underling.

Perhaps you've heard of him,
man of a thousand dresses.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Hi, there.
(LOW-PITCHED) I mean, hi.

What about that one?

Don't worry about him.
She's with us.

Hi.

And this is Jack Beddoes,
the famous newspaperman.

He's been pretending to be
a regular customer here.

He fooled the entire staff.

You make one heck
of a john, Jack.

I do my best.

Look, Tomkins,

the Commissioner's gonna
be here in five minutes.

I know him!

And he knows me.

The Commissioner? Here?

Look, Tomkins,
read my lips.

He's gonna hit the ceiling
when he finds out you
guys jumped the gun.

Hey, it's not our fault.
Nobody told us.

It's okay. It's okay.
Don't cry. You look
like a nice guy.

Why don't you just
get out of here,
and I'll cover for you?

Hey, is the Governor
here yet?
Not yet.

That's okay with me.
I don't mind waiting.

You mean the Commissioner
brought the Governor
in on this?

Yes, I told you. They're not
fooling around on this one.

The Governor?

We were never here.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Uh, why don't you go
with him and explain
the whole operation?

Me?
Would you rather wait and
explain it to the Governor?

Oh, no. I don't
want to see him.
He doesn't like me.

And with good reason.

You write all those
nasty things about him

in your stupid column.

How do you think I feel?

Get the lead out, Tomkins.

Yes, sir.
Come on, you.

Let's go, men.

Oh, Benson,
that was quick thinking.

What about me, sir?
I thought of the wigs.

Let me check things out
out here.

(SIGHS)

Clayton, I think
we're gonna make it.

I told you I'd get you
out of this, sir.

Well, I got good news,
and I got bad news.

The good news is
the cops are gone,

but the bad news is
they're towing away my car.

So, I'm gonna
get us two cabs.

Why two?
Because I don't want to be
seen with you guys.

Good morning, Benson.
Good morning, Pete.

Have a good time
over the weekend?

If you leave out Friday night.

Oh, geez, don't talk to me
about Friday, it was
the worst night of my life.

Guy at the grocery store
fixed me up with a date.

I remember when they
used to give away dishes.

Actually, she was kind of
cute for a welder.

(LAUGHS)

We went back to my place
and just as things
started to get interesting,

the Romanian who
lives downstairs set his
hide-a-bed on fire again.

Again?
Guy sleeps with candles.

Anyway,
the fire department cleared
us out of the building.

By the time they put
the fire out, she was tired
and wanted to go home.

So, I hailed her a cab.

Just as we were
getting into the cab,

This tall, skinny lady
knocks us down,
and takes the cab.

Geez, you ready
for the weird part?

The weird part?

The lady in the cab
had a mustache.