Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 2 - Benson in the Hospital - full transcript

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

Benson, what are you
doing just sitting here?

I'm sitting here
so I don't fall there.

Is it getting
cold in here?
No.

I think I'm coming down
with something.

Well, it's
not ambition.

Well, whatever it is,
I hope it's contagious.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)



This inventory's
gonna kill me.

Don't get
my hopes up.

I don't know why we have to do
an inventory, anyway.

I know what's here.

This is state property,
and the governor's
responsible for it.

We got to have records.
We can't rely on your memory.

I have a perfect memory.

What if something
happened to you?

What if you got hit
by a truck?

Why do I torture myself?

Go ahead, try me.
Ask me what's here.

How many crystal dessert
dishes do we have?

Plenty.

"Service for plenty."
I'll write that down.



Miss Kraus.
Do we have
anymore tuna fish?

Ja, but it would spoil
your lunch.

But it's not for me.
It's for my new kitten,
Napoleon.

Ooh, I got something special
for him at the supermarket.

"Kitty liver surprise."

Looks like army food.

It says here it will keep
him happy und frisky.

It certainly
isn't army food.

Thanks.

Is it getting warm
in here?

When I was a little girl,
my best friend was a goat.

All this time,
I thought it was
your perfume.

I'm starving.
Is there anything to eat?

You're always
starving, Pete.

Oh, look at this stuff.

There must be
a 1,000 bucks
on this table alone.

Hey, food.

I wouldn't eat that
if I were you.

What a great
publicity idea...

"Governor sells mansion
treasures to feed poor."

How's this, "Governor's aide
stops eating to feed poor."

This is great.
It's kind of tangy.
What is it?

Don't eat too much.
It'll make you frisky.

Really good.
What's it called, anyway?

Kitty liver surprise.

You mean
I'm eating pet food?

Step up from
your regular diet, huh?

Yuck! I'm gonna go
brush my teeth!

You don't have to.
You can have a milk-bone.

BENSON: What's in this carton
on the top shelf?

It's all the gifts our
Governor has received
from important visitors.

Tokens of esteem
and mementos.

In other words, junk.

Miss Kraus have you
seen my kitten?

No, Liebchen.

Benson, is Napoleon
in there?

Sweetheart I wouldn't be
surprised if Teddy Roosevelt
was in here.

I can't find
him anywhere.

Think he ran
away from home?

He's probably having
dinner with Pete.

I'm really worried.
Oh, don't worry, Liebling.

Kittens are independent.

They need time alone away
from all human contact.

Try looking
in Kraus's room.

Will you help me
look for him?

Oh, not now sweetheart.
I don't feel well.

I'll help you find him, Katie.

Your kitten is
probably playing possum.

My goat used to do that.

(GROANS)

(SIGHS)

Benson, aren't you supposed
to be doing the inventory?

I am.
Chandelier... One.

My mistake.
I thought you
were goofing off.

It's just that
I'm not feeling well.

I hope I'm not coming down
with the flu.

What are your symptoms?

Well, my eyes are watery,
I can't catch my breath,

and I feel like
I'm gonna pass out.

You'd be better off
with the flu.

(LAUGHS)

Oh!

Ooh!
Honey, you better sit down.

Yeah.

Now you better lie down.
Yeah.

Put your feet up.
Yeah.

No, that's for shock.

Now, you just lie here
and don't move.

Isn't this where I was
when you came in?

I'll get you
some aspirin.

I'll be all right
in a minute.

If I live that long.

Now my point is, Governor,

if that bill gets
deadlocked in, uh,

Senator
Hunziger's Committee,

we'll have to wait until
the next session to
reintroduce it.

(CHUCKLES)

Marvelous.

Taking catnaps
in the living room?

Why don't you just stretch out
in the governor's office?

This couch is
more comfortable.

Look, Governor,
I'm sorry.

Oh, no,
that's all right.

I think this couch
is more comfortable, too.

I mean, I shouldn't have
been lying down.
I'm not feeling well.

It's because you don't
take care of yourself.

Now look at me.

No, thanks.
I feel bad enough already.

You don't look
very well, either.

Well, of course I do.
I'm in perfect health.

Well, so am I.

So good. Then the two of you
can carry me out.

Sir, what about
Senator Hunziger?

Oh, I think
we can handle
Benson alone.

No, sir,
I meant the Bill.

You're a friend
of the Senator's.

Perhaps you could convince him
to change his mind.

He's a man of principle.
He has a right
to vote his convictions.

Well, let me have a go
at him, sir.

I'm sure the Senator
has his weaknesses.

I know he's crazy
about fruit loops.

Look what I found!

What is that,
an earmuff?

Close. It's an ear.

An ear?

Yeah, remember when I went
to Mexico city?

They dedicated a bull to me.
This is the bull's ear.

That's most impressive.
May I see that, sir?

Of course. As a matter
of fact, I think I have some
other parts in here.

Great. Now we got a bull
that comes in a kit.

Well, I'm gonna let
the two of you put him
together while I go lie down.

Benson, what are you doing up?
I told you to lie down.

Well, I was
about to when...

When...

When what?
What, "when what?"

You were saying "when"
when you stopped.

Stopped what?
Stopped talking.

That's a good idea.

Take these.

He doesn't look
at all good.

Oh, I think you're running
a temperature.

Clayton,
go call my doctor.

Oh, sir, can't he just
take a bus to the clinic?

Clayton.
Oh, all right. Here.

What's this?

Put it up to your ear,
you can hear Mexico city.

Lord, it looks like a...

(SCREAMS)

Oh! That about does it.

Blood pressure's fine,
temperature's normal.

What about his heart?
Sound as a dollar.

That bad?

I mean, it's healthy.

You mean there's nothing
wrong with me?

That's my diagnosis.

I want a second opinion.

Okay, you're sick.
(LAUGHS)

Just kidding,
just kidding.

I've examined you
thoroughly,

and if you're sick,
your body doesn't know it.

Benson whatever you had
is gone. You're gonna
be just fine.

Good.
Unless it comes back.

Well, maybe somebody better
keep an eye on him.

Well, I'll stay with you.
I thought you had a date.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'll cancel it.

Oh Marcy,
you don't have to do that.

Benson how could I go
out with Dan and have
a wonderful time

knowing you were
lying here sick?

I'll just wear
that beautiful new dress

on another
very special occasion.

And I know Dan
won't have any trouble

getting rid of the tickets.

We waited four months
for these.

Marcy, I'm fine.

Thank God.

But he was sick.

He was shaking
like a leaf.

We were even afraid
to move him.

All I can say
is he's made a
miraculous recovery.

Sorry to get you out here
on a false alarm.

No, no,
nothing to
apologize for.

It's kind of fun making
a house call once in a while.

Profitable, too.

Benson, why don't you try
to get some sleep?

I'll send Miss Kraus up
with a bowl of nice, hot soup.

Oh, the last thing
I need is a visit from
Florence Nightin-mare.

Let me know if any symptoms
reoccur. Just give me a call.

Gene, golf
on Wednesday?
(CHUCKLES)

I'll show you out, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Oh, thank you.

Well, congratulations.

That's the first time
I've ever seen
Jerome Phillips stumped.

Well, I'm not too crazy
about being a medical mystery.

You know,
this reminds me of a story.

Ugh.
No, no. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

This was a movie
I saw one time.

This man woke up one morning.
He's feeling very strange.

Uh-huh.
And nobody would pay
any attention to him.

Oh, really?

And then three days later,
he turned into a rhinoceros.

It was funny seeing
this rhinoceros in trousers.

It wasn't
a very good movie.

It wasn't a very
good story, either.

Someone looks like
she's been having fun.

Me and Napoleon.

Did you teach him
how to climb that tree?

Uh-huh, and I only had
to show him once.

See you later.

Hi, Benson.
Bye, Benson.

Nice talking to you.

I love
those long conversations.

Well, look who's back
from the grave.

Sorry to
disappoint you, Kraus.

I wasn't disappointed.
I knew you were faking.

Now, there's a message
you don't get from Hallmark.

Then how do you explain
how you are suddenly
feeling better?

Beats the heck
out of me.

Doctor says
I'm in great shape.

Heart's strong,
blood pressure's normal.

There's absolutely no
reason in the world why
I should pass out.

Benson!

(GASPS)
Benson!

Benson!

Oh!

Hey, you! I haven't got
all day, you know!

BENSON: This gown
ain't got no back in it.

It doesn't matter.
I've seen everything.

BENSON: When?

Listen!

You come out,
or I'm gonna
come in after you!

You're not related
to Gretchen Kraus, are you?

Get in that bed!

Go on!
Get in that bed!
You're a sick man!

I ain't sick enough
to pay $180 a day
for this room.

Well, Doctor says you have
to stay until we run
some more tests.

Now, if you want anything,
buzz the nurses' station,

but it better be important.

I'd rather die first.

You think I
didn't hear that?

Just watch your step.

Why do I always attract
this type of woman?

Couldn't you just for once

send me a sweet, intelligent,
beautiful woman?

Hi.
You must be Benson.

Okay, what's the catch?

My name is Michelle,
and I'm a nurse's aide.

Is there anything
I can do for you?

What do you have in mind?

Come on, now.
You just ask if there's
anything you need.

Your phone number
would cheer me up.

Ah, Benson.
How are you getting along?

I was hoping you were
gonna tell me that.

I'll see you later.
How much later?

Oh, I have to come right back
and give you your alcohol rub.

Then I guess I'll just have to
lie right here and take it.

Doctor, did you find out
what's wrong with me?

I must say,
you're a challenge to me.

Now usually I get
broken bones,
influenza, slipped disks.

You should be
more careful.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I think I have it narrowed
down. It could be as simple
as an allergy,

but I don't have
the common denominator.

Tell me about
your attacks again.

Well, the first time,
I was in the kitchen,

doing the inventory
with Kraus,

and then the next time,
I was in the living room...

With Kraus...

And then the next time,
I was in the kitchen again,

and there was Kraus.

That's it! Kraus is your
lowest common denominator.

Very possible. It could be her
hair spray, her perfume,
even her body chemistry.

But it's too early
for a diagnosis.

We'll just keep looking
for an answer.

Well, why go on looking
when we got one we like?

We'll run some more tests
in the morning.
I'm ready doctor.

Ah, meanwhile,
nurse Platt here is gonna
take some blood.

BENSON: From who?

From you. I'll see you
in the morning... Maybe.

(CHUCKLES)
That's a little medical joke.

All right, let's go.

I suppose the only way
I can stop you from doing this

is drive a stake
through your heart.

Give me your arm.
Do I get it back?

Do I have to have an orderly
come in and strap you down?

Couldn't you take my blood
some other time?

Ready for your alcohol rub?

Not till I take
his blood.

Take it, take it,
take it.

Yes, I am still waiting.

Clayton, I need you...
Yeah, bup, bup, bup,
bup, bup, bup.

Yes. Your ad says
that you can fill
any position.

Is that true, or should I let
my fingers walk elsewhere?

I need to replace
the head of household staff.

Mm-hmm.

I'm looking for a person
who's alert, intelligent,
and subservient.

Yes, all right, I'll call back
when you've had time to go
through your files. Thank you.

You're despicable.

(SCOFFS) I don't get
the big bucks to be
Mr. Nice guy.

Benson could be
back here tomorrow.

Oh? Did you see how
he looked when they took
him out of here?

Call this number in
half an hour, see if they've
got a replacement.

Clayton, I...
Marcy, believe me,

it's as unpleasant for me
as it is for you.

But when a horse
breaks its leg, you shoot it.

I don't know anything
about horses,

but I know a jackass
when I see one.

Do your own dirty work.

107 this is it.

Now, Gretchen, remember,
no matter how bad it looks,

you've got to be cheerful,
for Benson's sake.

He's frightened,
and he's alone.

If my blueberry tarts don't
cheer him up, nothing will.

MICHELLE: Bye.

Oh, hello.
Hi. We're friends
of Benson's. How is he?

Oh, he's terrific.
(LAUGHS)

BENSON: Come in.

Hello, Benson.
We're here to
brighten your day.

Why'd you bring Kraus?

Don't start with me,
Benson.

I am trying
to be cheerful.

This isn't bad.
This is a nice room.

Pretty view.

And that beautiful girl
taking care of you. Ooh!

Tart?
No, she's a nurse's aide.

What is that?

Blueberry tarts.

Did you make them?

Benson, Gretchen's
trying to be nice.

That's what worries me.

Fine. I'll give them
to some other patient.

Come back here.

No, I'll take my tarts
to the room across the hall.

If you don't bring your tarts
back over here, you'll be in
the room across the hall.

So now you want
to taste them.

Nah, you can put them away.
I want to sniff you.

What?

You out of your mind?

No, I'm allergic to
something, and I think
it may be to Kraus.

Well, in that case...

Take a good whiff.

(SNIFFS)

(SNIFFS)

You remind me of my goat.

You remind me
of your goat.

Well, that's just the way
my luck's been running.
I'm not allergic to you.

Want to try me?

No, no, no.
I'm just acting
like an idiot.

That's all right, Benson.
We're used to it.

Guess who?

Oh, well, now you know.
You've seen my face.

Hello, Benson.

Hello, Governor.
Thanks for dropping by.

Oh, I didn't just drop by.
I brought you something.

See, it's one of those
round jigsaw puzzles,

and when you put it together,
it makes a pizza.

Did you bring any beer
to go with it?

This looks like
it might be hard.

Not if you do it
by the slice.

Blueberry tarts,
my favorite.

Yeah,
they're not bad.

Oh, what a great shot.

"Governor visits sick
black friend in hospital."

I've got to get
a picture of this.

What's the hurry?
You could get well on me.

I'd like to get
sick on you.

What if I die?

Then we'd be talking
national coverage.

Ooh. Blueberry tarts.

Governor,
we're waiting for you.

Oh...

There must be some mistake,
doctor. I'm just visiting.

No, sir, it's me, Clayton.

Are you wearing that mask
by popular request?

Laugh if you want,

but I won't be taking
any diseases home with me.

You don't need to.

What Benson has
isn't communicable.

What Benson has
is psychosomatic,

but the rest of this place
is crawling with millions
of unidentified germs.

Then take off your mask
and identify yourself.

Governor,
we really must be going.

All right, Clayton.

I'm sorry
Katie couldn't come up.

She's too young,
hospital rules.

Okay, everybody out.

Thank god.
PRATT: Not you, Benson!

The visitors.
Visiting hours are over.

Take care of yourself, Benson.
I'll be back to visit
this evening.

Me too.
I'll look forward to it.

I can't make it.
I'll look forward
to that, too.

Is it possible
to get anything to eat here?

No!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come on in.

Hi, Benson.
Hi, sweetheart.

I snuck up to see you.

Well, I won't tell the warden
if you don't.

Is it okay
if I give you a hug?

You better.

I was beginning to think
you were trying to avoid me.

(WHEEZES)

Uh, Katie,
get me a glass of water.

Benson, are you
feeling all right?
(CONTINUES WHEEZING)

Well, I've felt better.

I've felt much better.

Benson, what's wrong?

Katie, get the doctor.

Please, somebody help!

Please help! Somebody!

Ow!

If I'd wanted a tattoo,
I'd have gotten one
in the army.

You want these allergy tests
to work, don't you?

Oh, uh, may I?

Come on in, Governor.

Just don't roll
up your sleeve.

Now we're all done.

The doctor will be by
in a few minutes
to check your reactions.

Ho-ho! Looks like we're gonna
have a bumper crop!

Testing for allergies,
huh?

When I was on my
school swimming team,

I found out I had an
allergy to chlorine.

My eyes used to puff up
something awful.

One time during the 100-yard
freestyle, I got lost.

Oh. Hello, Gene.

Hello, Jerry.
How are you?

Not too well,
I'm afraid.

How bad is it, doc?

Terrible. My putting
has gone to pieces lately.

I was reading an article
about that

just the other day
in my dentist's office.

Bob Jameson.
You know him?

Oh, yeah, sure,
five handicap.

Right, well, Bob...

Doctor, could we get
on with this?

There's another foursome
waiting for this room.

(LAUGHING) Oh, you.
(CHUCKLES)

Well, let's see how the test
turned out here, huh?

Will you look
at the size of that?

Well, now we know
what you're allergic to.

Would you mind
letting me in on it?

Did you just get a pet?

Closest I could get
was an alcohol rub.

No, no, I mean, have you been
around any animals?

Napoleon.
Napoleon.

My daughter just got
a new kitten.

Ah, cats.
Well, there's your culprit.

All you have to do
is walk into a room
where a cat has been,

and you'll have
a severe attack.

Well, Katie's crazy about
that cat. Couldn't you
give me something?

We can try to help a little,
but with a reaction like that,

I'd advise you
to even stay out of alleys.

Oh, don't worry.
It's just an allergy.

Neither of us are gonna
make medical journals
with this one.

(CHUCKLES) Maybe next time.
That's just a, you know...

Oh, this is gonna break
Katie's heart.

I suppose
somebody better tell her.

It's either you
or the cat.

(CHUCKLES) I guess it's me.

Oh, no, Benson.
We need you.

No, Governor,
I meant I'll tell her.

Oh.

Oh, right.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come on in.

Benson, the doctor told me
to take a shower

and put on clean clothes.

Why?
What's wrong with me?

There's not a thing wrong
with you, honey.
You're just fine.

I'm sorry
I made you sick.

I didn't mean to.

I know you didn't.

Sit up here.

You sure it's okay?

Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Katie, this is gonna be
very difficult for me.

Benson, you're not
gonna die, are you?

No, of course not.

It's nothing that scary.

I knew you wouldn't.
(CHUCKLES)

It's just that I wanted
to give you an explanation.

You know what an
allergy is, don't you?

Uh-huh. Billy Turner's
allergic to chocolate.

It makes him hyper.

Well, I've got an allergy.

To chocolate?
No...

To cat hairs.

(SOFTLY) Napoleon's cat hairs?

Yeah.

And if I go back
to the mansion and
Napoleon is still there,

I'll get sick again.

He didn't mean it, Benson.

I know he didn't.

What if I keep him in a box
all the time and
never let him out?

Then he wouldn't be
very happy.

It's not fair.

I know.
It's not your fault.

Yet you're the one
who's being hurt the most.

That's why I'm leaving
the decision up to you.

I can't make
that kind of decision.

I'm only 10 years old.

I wish I could help.

I'm gonna Miss you,
Benson.

(LAUGHS)

Aw, nuts.

Will you help me find
a good home for him?

Now, you know I will.

I bet I could trade
Napoleon to Sally Buell

for her pet alligator.

Is that okay?

Well, as long
as I don't have to pet him.

The only problem is,
where would I keep him?

How about Kraus' bathtub?

Oh, first day back on the job
and look at him
just sitting there.

The doctor told him
not to overdo it.

Yeah, but he is
overdoing not overdoing it.

Kraus, you told me
you finished this inventory.

I did.

So, what's the matter?
Listen to this...

Salt shakers... Ja!
Tea pots... Ja!

What does that mean?

It means we got them.

Oh, guys have you seen Katie?

She's upstairs, sir,
naming her fish.

Oh, I must say she does
love those guppies.

Yeah, and they
don't have any hair.

That's right.

You know I had guppies
when I was a boy and I named
my favorite one Jack Dempsey,

you know why?

(PHONE RINGING)
The...

Saved by the bell.

Hello! Oh, hi, Michelle.

Sure. 8:30 sounds great.
See you then.

Michelle, huh?

That cute nurse
from the hospital?

Oh, yeah. I'm just gonna drop
by her house tonight.

We're gonna work
on that jigsaw puzzle
the Governor gave me.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Yeah, it could take all night.

On a puzzle?

One of the pieces is missing.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)