Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 16 - Clayton, Go Home - full transcript

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(OPENING THEME PLAYING)

Morning, Kraus.
How you doing?

Oh, I'm tired, Benson.

I had a nightmare last night,

and I couldn't
get back to sleep.

Did you ever have a dream
where you were frightened

by something
and you tried to run away,

but your legs wouldn't move?

Yeah, the whole time
I was in the army.

Well, last night,
I dreamed that I fell
into a pit of alligators.

You can guess
what happened next.



They tried to run away,
but their legs wouldn't move.

Morning.
Morning, Marcy.

Morning, Marcy.
What time did you get
out of here last night?

Sometime after nine.

I still haven't finished
typing up Clayton's
memos to the staff.

Oh, that reminds me!

Clayton sent me a memo
about keeping the lids
on the garbage cans.

Good grief.
If the man
doesn't let up soon,

I'll have to get
a bigger waste basket.

Well, he hasn't stopped
dictating since he got
that dumb tape recorder.

I'm practically chained
to my typewriter.

Marcy!
(WHIMPERING)

I thought
You'd be at your desk.

She tunneled out
when you weren't looking.



Speaking of desks,
Benson, I've been meaning
to talk to you about yours.

Oh, do you like it?
CLAYTON: Hmm...

Obviously, you didn't
get my memo on neatness.

I got it.
I just can't find it.

Put out a memo regarding
the disregarding of memos.

Now see what you did?
Now, I don't like
to pull rank, Benson,

but I am the chief of staff,
and I would hope to see this
desk in order by 5:00.

Then you better
get started on it.

Now, Benson, surely you're
bright enough to realize

that you are perilously close
to defying a direct order.

Close? I thought
I was right on the money.

Would you care to repeat
that so I can play it back
for the Governor?

Why? Is he bored with
his Doobie Brothers records?

Memo to the Governor.
Oh, Clayton, give
me a break, would you?

If you have something
to say to the Governor,

why don't you just
go in and talk to him?

Memo to the Governor
concerning my luncheon meeting
with Richmond Airlines.

Oh, Clayton, there you are.
Yeah, I'll be
right with you, sir.

I'm just in the midst of...
Oh, yeah, I'll do
that later, sir.

I wanted to remind you,
you're having lunch
with Richmond Airlines today,

and I want you
to tell them from me
that my position is unchanged,

that I'm moving ahead with
that noise-abatement bill.

I'll tell them, sir.

Memo to myself.

Reiterate Governor's position
on noise pollution.

If the Governor wants
to stop noise pollution,

he should get rid
of Clayton's tape recorder.

If he wants to stop air
pollution, he should
get rid of Clayton.

Look, sir, I don't want you
to make a big thing
out of this,

now I can handle it myself!

Pete, I can't afford
any friction between
key members of my staff!

Now the sooner
the air's clear,
the better.

I got here as soon
as I could, sir.

Oh, it's not all
that important, Benson.

Why don't we just forget it?

Forget what?

Pete has leveled a rather
serious allegation, Benson.

Not really.
It just came out that way.

He's accused you of letting
the air out of his tires.

Is that true?
Yes, sir.

All four tires?

Yes, sir.

And the spare!

There wasn't all that much air
in the spare tire, anyway.

Why do you suppose
you did that, Benson?

Well, sir, I gave him my word
and I wouldn't wanna
go back on it.

No, no, no, you shouldn't.
But what did Pete do to make
you live up to your agreement?

Well, I've been parking
my car in his space, sir.

Ah, how often?

Every chance he gets!

It's closer to the door.

And I'm in and out a lot.
I see.

Well, Benson, why don't you
park in Pete's place?

I don't wanna.

Besides his space
is under a tree, and birds
live in that tree.

They have an interesting
way of saying, "Hi, there."

Excuse me
for barging in, sir,

but Marcy told me
you were here with Benson,

so I knew it couldn't be
too important.

An extraordinary thing
happened at lunch.

You picked up the check?

The representative
from Richmond Airlines
tried to bribe me.

Bribe you to do what?

To influence you
not to sign the
noise-abatement bill.

Oh, this is big.

Are you sure
it was a bribe attempt?

Sir, he showed me
the money.

Did you take it?

Don't be silly, Benson.
What do you take me for?

An amateur.

Without the cash,
you've got no evidence.

Yes, but I have this.
(CHUCKLES)

You see, when I
realized what our friend
from Richmond Airlines

was leading up to,
I surreptitiously
hit the record button.

You mean you have
the bribe on tape?

I do, sir.
Exhibit A.

Well, I don't know whether
this is admissible in court,

but set up a meeting with
the attorney general for 5:00

and give him that,
and I want to be there.

Sir.
Come on, Pete.

We'll be late
for that press conference.
Fine, sir.

Maybe we can stop and pick up
a tire pump on the way back.

Set up meeting
with attorney general.

Well, well. I'm impressed.
Nice work, Clayton.

What did you say?
I said, "Nice work, Clayton."

Benson, you cannot imagine
what those words mean to me.

Not just that you were able
to bring yourself to say them,

but that I was able
to record them.

RECORDER: Nice work, Clayton.
Thank you, Benson.

RECORDER: Nice work, Clayton.

Oh, thank you so much,
Benson.

RECORDER: Nice work, Clayton.
Oh, you're such a nice man.

Marcy, you got those
payroll records ready yet?

Not yet.
Hang on a second.

Hey, have you seen the paper?
Look at this.

"Governor's aide
grounds Richmond Airlines."

Says here the attorney general
has scheduled Clayton
to testify on the 17th.

That's a terrible
picture of Clayton.

Yeah, it looks just like him.

Good morning, everyone!

I take it
you've seen the paper.

Yes, along with a
quarter of a million
other fortunate people.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Governor's office.

Yes, he is.
Just a minute.

It's for you, Mr. Humble.
Ah, they're calling already.
(CHUCKLES)

Clayton Endicott here.
What? What?

Who is this? Hello?

(SCOFFS) Hung up.

MARCY: Who was it?

I don't know.
He said something
about Miami being

a beautiful
and safe place to be,

especially on the 17th
Of the month.

The 17th is the day you're
supposed to testify, Clayton.

Sounds like they made you
an offer they don't want you
to refuse.

Uh-oh! We're talking
threat here.

We're talking
cement overshoes.

We're talking,
"So long, Stoolie."

(CHUCKLING)
Oh, really.

I wouldn't laugh
this off, Clayton.

Till you find out
who that was,

you better have Pete
start your car in the morning.

Right. What?

Wait a minute.
You guys are putting
him on, aren't you?

Look, you don't know
who Clayton is up against.

Richmond Airlines.

PETE: Yeah, but
who owns Richmond?

National Unified,
a legitimate corporation,

which is owned
by Petrolux International,
a subsidiary of Assimicorp.

Who owns Assimicorp?

Nobody really knows,
but their holdings
include racetracks,

slot machines,
massage parlors, and a string
of Hungarian restaurants.

You better keep
a low profile,
like under your desk.

Let's just end this discussion
and get back to work.

That's a good idea.
I got to update
your obituary.

(CHUCKLES) Really.

One crank phone call
and Peter starts
plotting Godfather III.

Well, I'm not going to
let you people get to me.

Make sure none of them
get to you.

Now, don't be flip, Benson.

After all,
we know your real feelings.

RECORDER: Nice work, Clayton.

Thank you, Benson.

We'll put Marcy here,
I'll park there,
and we'll put Pete here.

Well, who parks
under the tree?

Clayton.

That works for me.

This time, Richmond Airlines
has gone too far.

If they want to play dirty,
I'll give them dirty.

Calm down, Clayton.
What are you talking about?

Sir, I have been violated.

This morning,
I went out jogging.

Someone ransacked
my apartment!

So I called security.

Now they're ransacking
my apartment.

Whoever broke in must have
been looking for the tape.

I don't think so.

They'd know the attorney
general has the tapes.
It was on the news.

I think what they're trying
to do is scare you off.

How dare they try
intimidating me!

Beats eliminating you.

(TELEPHONE BUZZES)
Yes, Marcy.

Oh, send him in.

Captain McDermott
of security is here.

McDermott is on this case?

Clayton, take
the trip to Miami.

Ready for debriefing, sir.

Well, Captain,
have you finished
frisking my furniture?

For the time being,
Clayton.

Any leads, Captain?
Not a one, sir.

We combed every inch
of Clayton's apartment.

We even went
through his garbage.

What the hell are capers?

Captain, I would
like a full report.

Well, there were orange
peels, some whitefish,
a couple of tea bags...

No, no, no.
I mean...

What have you learned?

Well, based on the events
of the last 48 hours, sir,

we've come up with nothing.

But we do have a theory.
Somebody's after Clayton.

Who leaked that?

McDermott, we already
figured that out.

Well, here's something you
haven't figured out, Benson.

While checking Clayton's
bureau drawers, sir,

we came across something
pretty strange.

You know those undershorts
that you have marked

"Sunday," "Monday,"
"Tuesday," and so forth?

Yes.

Well, Wednesday is missing.

Today is Wednesday.

Well, that accounts for it.

Anyway, sir, we'll have to
double security on Clayton.

I want a man on his apartment
24 hours a day.

No, wait. I'm not going to be
a prisoner in my own home.

Well, we have full security
here in the mansion,

so you can live here
under Captain McDermott's
protection.

Sir, I do not need protection.

I don't know
about that, Clayton.

I knew a guy once
that refused protection,

they found him three months
later in Washington.

Washington D.C.
or Washington State?

Both.

Well, now, Benson,
a man can't be found
in two places at once,

unless...

Oh, dear.

Now you know
what I'm talking about.

Yes. You're saying Clayton
may end up in the trunk
of some car

that's put through
a metal compactor,

melted down for scrap,
and made into a pippy.

A pippy?

What's a pippy?

It's a little wind-up mouse.
Katie has one.

It runs along the floor,
And then it spins.

Pippy, pippy!

I bet Clayton
would be good at that.

I don't know anything
about pippies,

but I do know we're dealing
with professionals here.

You got hit men,
ice men, button men...

First the phone call,
then the break-in.
Next...

Bang-bang, bye-bye.

Is "Captain" your nickname
or what?

Back off, Benson.

All right, Clayton,
then it's settled.

Until after you've testified,
you'll live here
In the mansion.

Sir...
That's an order.

Very well, sir.

All right, I'll send a man
over to pick up
your clothes, Clayton.

And don't worry. I'll tell him
you're wearing "Wednesday."

You get the impression
that McDermott
is still wearing "Sunday"?

Well, we got Clayton
all settled in.

You put in a long day,
don't you, Benson?

Yeah, yeah, so do you.
I thought you were gone.

Ah, a policeman's
work is never done.

We had to beef up security
because of Clayton.

Been on the phone
all afternoon with those
temporary health agencies.

Let me ask you something.

You know what it's like
to work with green recruits,
Benson?

No, I've never been
Off this planet.

Well, I'll tell you.
You got to take them by the...
Hey! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

What happened?

Sat on my gun.

How was it?

Phew.

Relax, Benson, relax.

Guns don't kill.
People kill.

Yeah, people with guns.

Oh, a liberal, huh?

No, allergic.

Remember,
a gun won the west.

A gun held up
a liquor store.

You got a strange attitude
about weapons, fella.

Yeah, something I picked up
In the army.

Oh, you joined the army, huh?

No, they sent me an invitation
for a little get-together
they were having in Korea.

You were in Korea?
I served in Korea.

Call me Dennis, fella.
(CHUCKLES)

Ah, Korea.
Those were the days.

You ever miss it, Benson?
Miss it?

I don't even watch M.A.S.H.

I better inspect the troops,
and then I'm off.

McDermott!
Yeah.

You forgot your gun.

Thanks, Benson.

Go home without that,
the little lady will
start asking questions.

Yeah, I can hear it now.

(HIGH-PITCHED)
Dennis, where's your gun?

Ah.
There is no pleasing Clayton.

He does nothing but complain.

Yesterday,
his toast was burnt.

Today, his egg is cold.

And it is all your fault,
Benson.

What do you mean
it's my fault?

You should have talked
the Governor out of letting
Clayton live here.

I'm sick and tired of
serving him breakfast in bed.

Kraus, let's look at it
this way.

The first thing he sees
every morning is you.

What's the matter
with that?
Nothing.

It's what he deserves.

Morning!
Is my lunch ready,
Miss Kraus?

Almost, Katie.

Benson, do you think Daddy
would mind if Connie Burke

invited me to stay over
her house for a few days?

I don't know.
When would you be back?

When's Clayton leaving?

Well, life has certainly
changed since
Clayton's moved in.

I'd have been here early,
but I spent 20 minutes trying
to get past the gate guard.

Can you believe it?
They searched my car!

And don't tell me
I should be grateful

just because they found
my nail scissors
under the back seat.

McDermott confiscated them.

There you go, Katie.

Ready for another day
at the mines.

Thanks, Miss Kraus.

I'm gonna try
and get past the guards

without them searching
my lunch box.

Miss Kraus, I thought
you were going to bring
me another egg,

one that was
properly prepared.

How come
I didn't get French toast?

Benson makes
his own breakfast.

Oh.

Well, I must say,
that looks very good.

It is.

I don't suppose
you'd consider...

Hey, Clayton.
This is for you.

Found it on the windshield
of my car.

I guess somebody's trying
to get to Clayton through me.

It's a one-way ticket
to Miami.

On Richmond Airlines, I bet.

Benson, this is
no joking matter.

Oh, he knows that, Peter.

After all,
this is the man who said...

RECORDER: Nice work, Clayton.

Thank you, Benson.

Hey, hey, hey!
What's going on?

You better hit the deck.

We just spotted somebody
trying to scale the wall.

I hope that sucker's
packing iron.

Well, things have certainly
taken a melodramatic turn.

What do I do now?

Beats me.
They do know you're white,
don't they?

Something about all this
is bugging me.

McDermott says we're dealing
with professionals,

but a guy scaling the wall
in broad daylight
doesn't make any sense.

I just can't wait
for this trial to be over.

Stress is getting to you, huh?
No, Clayton is.

I don't like to say this
about anybody,

especially a man
who's so capable at his job,

but I'm afraid Clayton
just isn't a very nice person.

No!

Well, I could be wrong.

This tea should be ready
any minute.

One lump or two?

Ah, company.

Oh, Benson,
look who's here! Clayton.

How nice.

I seem to have misplaced
my tape recorder,
I came down to look for it.

Ah, no matter.
I'll find it tomorrow.

(YAWNING) Oh, boy!
Sandman's coming.

Now, well, listen,
it's time for me to turn in.

I'll see you, Governor,
in the morning.

Clayton.
Night, Benson.

(YAWNING)

Excuse me.
Well, I think Benson's right.

It is getting
a little late.

Better do some bunk duty.
Good night.

Sleep tight, sir.

Ah.
(CLEARS THROAT)

One lump or two?
Surprise me.

Are you saying that one
of my chambermaids

took your stupid
tape recorder?

Well, it's gone,
isn't it?

What other explanation
can there be?

Maybe you lost it.

People lose things
all the time.

I am not "people."

I was just saying
the same thing to Marcy.

I hold you equally
responsible, Benson.

If you two cannot control
the household staff...

I better get out of here
before I lose my temper

and do something
I'll be sorry for.

Just a moment, Miss Kraus.
Better let her go, Clayton.

Last time Kraus
lost her temper,
Switzerland mobilized.

Oh, here he is.

Clayton, this gentleman's
here to see you from
the attorney general's office.

Bruce Caldwell.
Mr. Caldwell, this is Benson,
head of household affairs.

If you'll excuse me,
I have to get back to work.

Me, too.
Well, it's a pleasure
To meet our star witness.

CLAYTON: What's
this all about?

I think I'll stick around
a while.

We're very concerned
about the attempted break-in.

We think you're much too
visible here at the mansion.

Benson, do you
need something?

It'll keep.

So we're planning on moving
you to a new location, now.

Now?
I haven't packed.

We'll send for
your things later.
Oh, very well.

Wait a minute, Clayton.

Don't you want to see
this man's identification?

Benson, you are
being very rude.

Oh, no problem.

There. You see?
No, I didn't.

Mind if I take a closer
look at that I.D.?
Why, not at all.

That's close enough
for me.

(WHIMPERING)

Just be calm.

Till after the trial,
we're gonna put you on ice.

I...ice!

You're coming along
to keep him company.

Moi?

All right, it's all clear.

All right.

You give us any trouble
and we're not responsible
for what happens.

Let's walk.

BRUCE: I said, "Walk."

I am walking.

Oh, Clayton,
do you have a moment?

Oh, I hope so.

Uh, Clayton's a little
busy right now, sir.

This is Mr. Caldwell from
the attorney general's office,

and he's taking Clayton
to a new location.

Well, it's rather sudden,
isn't it, Clayton?

What's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?

No, no, not a cat, sir.

A mouse...
Pippy the mouse!

Perhaps I should
take the Governor
to the new location with me.

Oh, no, the Governor doesn't
have time for that, either.

He has to deal with
The McDermott corporation.

I do?
Yes, yes.

You know, you were gonna
get the big McDermott together

with all
the little McDermotts.

I was?

Well, forget it, sir.
We'll see you later.

Governor, your letter
to Senator Blaine
is ready for signature.

Oh, thank you, Marcy.

Well, sir, if there's nothing
else, we'll be leaving.
Just a minute, Mr. Caldwell.

There you are, Marcy.
Check that for spelling.
Yes, sir.

So, Mr. Caldwell, you're from
The attorney general's office.

Yes, sir.
I wouldn't detain
Mr. Caldwell, sir.

He's a busy man,
very serious about his work.

Oh! Well, Clayton,
keep in constant touch.

I hope you have
plenty of dimes.

Dimes?
For the telephone.

Isn't the telephone
a wonderful invention,
Mr. Caldwell?

You never realize how much
you rely on it until suddenly
you don't have one.

Governor, please!
(HIGH PITCHED MURMURING)

Just a minute, Benson.
Do shut up, please.

I remember
back at the logging camp,

mail call was always
a very big event.

We'd hand out the letters
to the men,

but we had no way
to contact the men

who were floating
down the river on the logs.

So we tried everything.
We tried semaphore.

We tried smoke signals.
We tried carrier pigeons.

You name it, we tried it!

Till finally,
it dawned on us...

What did you do?
We said, "To hell with it!"

Freeze!

All right, up there, you.

Don't worry, Governor.
Everything's under control.

Marcy gave me your note.
Good thinking, sir.

Then you did get the hints
I threw!

Get them? I thought they
were gonna knock me over.

I thought you were gonna
blow the whole thing, Benson.

Benson, how did you know
these men were impostors?

Well, look at
their cop shoes.

Even on TV, they don't wear
loafers with buckles.

I was onto them the minute
they came through the gates.

Then why didn't you stop them?

Why didn't I stop 'em?
I'll tell you why, Benson.

Because in this country,
a man's innocent
until proven guilty.

That's why the system
doesn't work.

All right, move 'em out!
Move 'em out!

Oh, sir, I really must thank
you for coming to my aid.

Oh, Benson's the man
you should thank.

Oh, well, yes,
of course.

I... I plan to at an
appropriate time.

This is an appropriate
time, Clayton.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Yes, sir.

Thank you, Benson.
(SNIFFS)

I beg your pardon?

Thank you, Benson.

Oh, that is such
music to my ears!

RECORDER: Thank you, Benson.

RECORDER: Thank you, Benson.

RECORDER: Thank you, Benson.

It's all right, boy.

Okay, this time
you've gone too far.

I'm not kiddin' around,
Benson, I'm really sore.

Pete, it is perfectly safe
for people your size
to get mildly annoyed,

but they should never,
never get really sore!

What is that,
a short joke?

Come on, come on.
Let's step outside.

Oh, Pete, you don't
wanna do that!
Yes, I do.

Pete, look at it this way.
For me, it's a
no-win situation.

If I take you outside and deck
you, then I'm a creep.

If you, by some miracle,
happen to deck me,
I gotta leave town!

I wanna show you my car.

Oh, your car?
Oh, I know about your car!

Yeah, it's in
a thousand pieces!

I know!
Why did you take it apart?

I didn't touch your car.
Talk to Captain McDermott.

Captain McDermott?

Why would Captain McDermott
take my car apart?

He got a tip you were
smuggling illegal contrabands.

Let me ask you
one last question.

Where did he get
an idea like that?

Let me ask you
one last question.

Why did you park in
my space this morning?

(CLOSING THEME PLAYING)