Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 15 - No Sad Songs - full transcript

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(OPENING THEME PLAYING)

Hi, Marcy.
Hi.

Late lunch?
Very late.

It's my breakfast.

Where's Benson?

How do I know?
Is it my day
to watch him?

Oh, maybe he's
picking up his mother.

She doesn't arrive
until tonight.

Sorry I'm late.
Hi.

"The Late Benson."
Has a nice ring to it.

Kraus, I'm gonna put some
of my things in the freezer.



Well, put it towards the back.
I may need to get in there.

Why? Is it your
nap time?

I wish I'd known
you were going
to the store.

I'd have had you
pick up some
things for me.

I wish I'd known
you needed some things.

I'd have had you
go to the store.

Stocking up for
your mother's visit?

Yeah, I figure if I got
some food in the apartment,

I'll get a couple
of home-cooked meals.

If my mother
were coming
to visit,

I would take her
out to dinner.

Well, Kraus, if I cooked
like you, so would I.

How long has it been
since you've seen your mother?

Three years.



Lucky woman.

Well, I can't wait
to meet her.

Yeah, she's looking forward
to meeting you, too.

Unfortunately, she wants
to meet everybody I work with.

Are you going
to give a party?

Yup, over at my place
sometime next week.

Oh, I hope
it's not Monday.

I'll keep that in mind.

I can't make
it Tuesday.

How about Tuesday?

Later in the week
would be better.

Uh, ja. Thursday
would be good.

Oh, I could make
it Thursday.

So can I. What are
we talking about?

Benson is
giving a party.

Oh, yeah? Is there gonna
be any chicks there?

My mother.
Come on, Benson,
seriously.

I'm giving a party
for my mother.
Can you make it?

Do I have to
bring a date?
No.

Well, I can make it.

Ah, Peter, there's
been a change of plans.

This speech is no
longer appropriate.

The Governor's
acceptance speech?

Yes, well, the Governor
will no longer be accepting

the Newsmaker's
Award, I will.

Yeah, but he won it.

I realize that, Peter,

but the Governor's trip
to Washington conflicts.

He's asked me
to fill in for him,

and this speech
will not do.

Why, what's
wrong with it?

Peter, I am not
going to do a speech

that quotes Neil Diamond.

Gee, the Governor likes
contemporary references.

Yes, but I am
not the Governor.

And we are
mighty happy.

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

You and I have a great deal
of work to do on this speech,

so keep your evenings
open next week.

Well, I'm free every night,

except the night
of Benson's party.

Benson's party?

Ooh! Oh, weren't
you invited?

Well, I...
Sure, Clayton,
you're invited.

Thank you. If I'm free,
I'll be happy to be there.

Peter.

So, what night
is the party?

Don't know yet.
Eh, makes no difference.
I'm flexible.

We used to call
that desperate.

Son, do you remember
this picture?

Halloween, 1941.

Could I see that Mrs...

Do you mind
if I call you Lois?

Oh, please do.

Well, which one's
you, Benson?

I don't know.
Everybody's
got on masks.

You've got a memory
like a sieve.

Are you telling me
you don't remember

the Halloween the dog
fell off the roof?

Oh! Oh, was that then?

Yeah, my dog, Jack,
crawled out of the
bedroom window

and fell off
the porch roof.

Was he hurt?

Well, he would have been
if hadn't fallen on me.

That dog was never
really right after that.

Come to think of it,
you were never really
right after that.

So that's it,
eh, Benson?

You got hit in
the head with a dog.

Well, Kraus, at least
I have an excuse.

This is Russell
when he was 12.

Now he's the most
successful dentist
in Phoenix.

He better be
successful

with all them
kids to put
through college.

At least he's got kids
to put through college.

Oh, Mama, don't
start that.

Don't you think my son
would be a wonderful father?
I certainly do.

Don't you think
he should have children?

Yes, ma'am.
Oh, sure,
he should.

Don't you think
I should get
married first?

I'm encouraged to know
you know where to begin.

I'm waiting for a girl
like you, Mama.

Oh, what are you gonna do
with a 70-year-old woman?

Where are those
cookies you made?

Yeah, they
were terrific!

What do you
mean "were"?

Well, Clayton ate
a couple before he
had to leave,

and, uh, well, I guess
I finished them. Sorry.

Boy, the way you eat,
you think you'd be taller.

Are there any more?

For goodness' sake,
I made two dozen.

Really? It didn't
seem like that many.

For the rest of us,
it didn't seem like any.

You're a fine
one to talk.

When he was
a little boy,

he used to hog the
dessert all the time.

Mama, don't
tell that story.

Wouldn't eat meat.
Wouldn't eat vegetables.

Just dessert.

The family took to calling
him "Puddin' Head."

Puddin' head?

(ALL LAUGH)

What a great
nickname.

Yeah, well, forget
you ever heard it.

Fat chance.

I never had a nickname.
Nobody liked me that much.

Tried calling myself
"PJ" for a while,

but, eh, it
didn't catch on.

I don't have a
nickname, either.

That's what you think.

Oh, son, it's
after 9:00.

We really ought
to get to bed

and let these nice
folks go home.

Subtle, Mama.

Oh, I don't have
time to be subtle.

I'm too old.

Good night,
everybody.

Good night.
Good night.

Thank you for
a delicious dinner.

Yes, it was
wonderful.

I'm off to bed now.

Okay, Mom.

Oh, here.
Let me do that.

Okay.

You know, you have
very nice friends.

Who now know
everything about me.

And you've got
a nice job.

It's all right.

Now what you need
is a nice wife.

I'll look tomorrow,
first thing.

Oh, son, it would
do this old heart
a world of good

to know that
you had a wife

cleaning for you,
cooking for you,

and looking
after you.

Mama, maybe you
haven't heard,

but them days
is gone forever.

I have six children.

BOTH: And five of them
have lovely families.

Have I beaten that
subject to death?

No, but you got
it in a coma.

Oh.

You can't blame
a woman for wanting
more grandchildren.

You got 14.
If you want more,
rent them.

14, and every one
of them's an angel.

Well, one of them
is a hell's angel.

If you're talking about
Elaine's Danny,
he's just a kid.

That kid is
21 years old.

About time you and
Elaine stopped making
excuses for him.

Well, if you're so
worried about him,

why don't you take him
for the summer?

I wouldn't take
him for a walk.

Besides, I'm more
worried about you,

doing all this traveling.

Well, son, I'm not walking
from place to place.

I'm taking
an airplane.

Besides, I can't get any
of my children to come see me.

So I have to
come to you.

(CHUCKLES) Well, Mama,
you know how it is.

The girls all have
their families,

Russell and Earl are
tied down with their business,

and when I get
a vacation...

I should come see
you, shouldn't I?

Do you still remember
where I live?

All I have to do is follow
the apron strings.

I'm gonna hold you
to that next vacation.

All right. Okay.

Before I leave,
I want you to take
a picture of me.

What for?
For you.

I haven't seen one
anywhere in this apartment.

Well, of course not.

It's 'cause I got it
right here in my wallet.

There you go.

Oh, that old thing!
That was 20 years ago.

Makes you look
20 years younger.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
(LAUGHS)

Good night, son.

Hey, Mom,
I'm home.

(SNIFFS) Mmm.

I'd know that
chicken anywhere.

Well, if he knew you,
he didn't say anything.

(BENSON CHUCKLES)

Where have you
been, anyway?

Well, you remember
I told you I'd be late?

I had some work to do
with the Governor.

And I told you
not to dawdle.

Mama, I haven't dawdled
since I was 12 years old.

The Governor dawdled.

When's the chicken
gonna be ready?

Oh, it needs
another 20 minutes.

Now, go get out
of your good clothes.

Mama, I'm an adult.

I don't have
good clothes
or bad clothes.

I got clothes.

I don't want you
wiping your greasy hands

on that pretty sweater.

Then give me a napkin.

Oh, go on! Shoo!

All right.

Hey, you clean
this place up?

No, a group of elves
showed up and did it.

Mama, you're
on vacation.

You're supposed to be resting
and having a good time.

Well, if that's
what you wanted,

you should have
cleaned the place up

before I got here.

I would have, but I thought
you were coming for a visit,

not an inspection.

Where did you ever
pick up that smart mouth?

Couldn't have been
from you, could it?

Couldn't be me.
Maybe you're adopted.

Well, if I'm adopted,
how come I look just like Pop?

That's no proof.
He could have
been adopted, too.

Okay, I give up.
I'm an orphan.

No, you're my baby.

Mama, what is this?

Oh, I must have left
that next to the bed

when I took my nap.

Son, look in here.

That is a relic
of the true cross.

Are you trying to tell me
that that little piece of wood

in there is
from the cross?

Uh-huh.

The cross?

I see.

And how did you happen
to end up with it?

Well, you remember when
you children all chipped in

and sent me on that
tour of Jerusalem?
Yeah.

Well, I met a man
on the street
who sold it to me.

Mama, you don't really believe
that that's from the cross.

Son, all God ever
asked of anybody

is just a
little faith.

And when you
consider the reward,

that's a very
easy thing.

Now, you ask yourself,

what would make you
feel better,

that your mother
has an actual
piece of the cross,

or she paid $25
for a hunk
of saw wood?

Well, all right,
if you say so,

it's a piece of the cross.

No, it's not my saying so.
It's my believing.

You've got
to have faith.

Now, you go and finish
getting dressed for dinner.

I'm just gonna sit here

and wait until
that chicken is ready.

Oh, I'm so tired.

You're tired?

You try working all
day and being a tour
guide by night.

If you don't mind,

I just as soon
we stayed home tonight.

I'll take you on
in pinochle.

I'll play by
your rules,
three decks.

I'm gonna have
a cold beer.

You want a soda pop
or something?

I'll take that
as a no.

Mama, this chicken
looks like it's done.

You want me
to take it out?

Mama, you want me
to take this chicken out?

Mama?

Mama.

Oh, Mama.

Morning.
Morning.

I stopped by the card
store on my way over here.

It's terrible,
isn't it?

Awful. Such a
sweet woman.

Have you talked
to Benson?

Last night, on the phone.
How's he taking it?

Well, he seemed
all right.

But it's hard to
tell, you know.

Boy, I never know what to
say in situations like this.

Ja, when Governor
Montford died,

I didn't know what
to say to his wife.

I ended up just staring
at her with a silly grin
on my face.

She hasn't spoken
to me since.

That's the trouble. You want
to say something appropriate,

but you don't
know what to say.

So you got a
sympathy card?

No. Apparently, they don't
know what to say, either.

I just got some note cards.

I think a personal message
is probably best, anyway.

He's not coming
in today, is he?

Oh, I don't think so.

He's flying to
Baltimore tonight,

so I think he needs today
for the arrangements.

Good morning.

Uh, good morning.
Morning.

There's no way
I could stay
home today.

I need something
to do, you know.

So I got
these invoices.

Benson?
I... I thought...

We thought...

We didn't expect you
to come in today.

I'm sorry about your mother.
I'll be around if you need me.

Is there anything
I could do?

I could do without
that long face.

I'm sorry. It's
just that I feel...

Well, you know how I feel.

Thank you, Marcy.

Kraus, we're over budget
on produce again.

What's the matter
with you?

Nothing. I...
I have to go to
the meat locker.

Well, I'm glad
you're looking
forward to it.

Benson.

I didn't expect
to see you here today.

Yeah, I know.
I got some things to do.

I'm really sorry
about your mother.

Thank you, Pete.

You want to
talk about it?

Not really, Pete.
I'm fine.

You're probably
still in shock, huh?

No, I'm fine.

It just hasn't
hit you yet.

Pete, are you here
for a reason?

I just don't want you
to bottle it up, Benson.

I'm not.
I'll get a cup of
coffee. We'll talk.

I'm fine, damn it!
I'm handling it!
I'm all right.

Oh, no, sure,
I can see that.
You're doing great.

You hang in there.

Hi, Benson.

Hi, sweetheart.
Marcy said
you were here.

I just wanted you
to have something pretty.

Thank you, sweetheart.

See you later, okay?

Okay.

Marcy, uh, I have to go
to the store room.

There's a Mr. Tucker
from Mitchell Brothers
Mortuary

coming here to see me.

Send him to the kitchen
when he gets here.

Because I have to
pick out a casket.

Well, you asked.

Thanks.

I'm going down
to the store room.

Ah, you don't have
to avoid me, Benson.

I won't grin anymore.

Now he really hates me.

Uh, Miss Kraus, has there been
a man here looking for me?

I don't know.
I was in my room.

I'm expecting the tailor
from Gresham's.

He's coming to measure
me for a new tuxedo.

What's the occasion?

I need it for the speech.

My other ones are
beginning to show wear.

Excuse me.
Could you help me?

I'm Mr. Tucker.

Ah, here you are.
I'm certainly glad
to see you.

No one ever said
that to me before.

Well, I got
things to do.

Well, shall we
get this over with?

I understand.
These things
can be difficult.

Well, I hope not.
I have a luncheon
engagement.

Well, perhaps you'd like
to look through the catalog.

No, not really.
I just want
something fashionable.

I assume that means
the classic style, silk-lined?

Yes, of course.

Do you have a
color preference?

Silver or bronze?

(CHUCKLES)

I'm not a
rock 'n' roll singer.

I simply want something
that would be appropriate

for the country club.

I beg your pardon?

Do you think you
could just measure me?

It's for you?

Yes.

And I'd like to have
it by this Saturday.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Does that mean I can't
have it by this Saturday?

Of course you can
have it this Saturday.

Would you like
brass handles?

Brass handles.

You are Benson,
aren't you?

Certainly not.

I'm Mr. Tucker of
Mitchell Brothers
Mortuary.

Oh.

Oh!

See, I thought you were here
to measure me for a tuxedo.

The family usually
provides that.

No, you don't
understand.

I'm not the one
you're looking for.

Oh, I am sorry.

Well, here, keep my
card, just in case.

Benson! Benson!

Governor, here are
those requisitions.

Oh. Thank you, Benson.

What time's
your flight out?

Later tonight.
But I'm not going.

What do you mean
you're not going?

With you going to Washington,

this would be a bad week for
me to be out of the mansion.

Besides,

what good would it do
for me to go back?

Sit down, Benson.

Governor, I'm not in the mood
for a heart-to-heart talk.

Just sit down.
Listen.

I know I'm probably
stepping out-of-bounds,

but I just can't let you
make a mistake like this.

Nothing's going to change
if I go back to Baltimore.

My brother Russ
can handle everything.

You're avoiding
the issue, Benson.

You can't just put
your mother on the plane

and let it go at that.

You've got to admit
to yourself

that she's not just going
back to Baltimore.

Benson, this is the
woman who brought
you into the world.

Don't you think the least
you can do is to see her out?

All right, I'll step
back in bounds now.

I appreciate
what you said, sir.

I know how difficult
it was to say.

You gonna go?

I'll call you
from Baltimore.

Good night, Benson.

Good night, sir.

Hello, I'd like a cab
sent to, uh, 7209
Dorset Avenue,

please, apartment 2H.

Yeah, going to the
airport. Thank you.

Your own little piece of God.

Remember when Papa died, Mama?

You told us only
the good die young.

I'll never forget that.

I spent the entire fifth grade

thinking I was gonna
die any second

because I was so good.

But then I noticed
God hadn't taken you.

So I figured there
must be a loophole.

But there isn't.

It's always too soon.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Can you hear me, Mama?

Who am I kidding?

Pop died a long time ago,

and I haven't heard
from him one time.

I don't know what
to say, Mama.

You know, it's funny.
I had a speech
all prepared

that I was gonna say
to you when you left.

I was gonna tell you...

I love you,

and thank you
for gracing my life

and being there
when I needed you.

It was good to see you...

This last time.

And I'll always miss you.

You know, Mama,
I'd like to believe

that you are where
you always wanted to be.

I guess all I want
to know is,

are you happy?

And is it everything
you hoped it would be?

You think you could
get the Lord to give
me a sign?

You know me...
Nothing big.
Nothing fancy.

No burning bushes
or blinding lights.

Just something simple.

Just let me cry.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Yeah.

CABBIE: You call a cab?

Yeah. Just a minute.

There's just one bag.

Going to the
airport, right?
Yeah.

(LAUGHS) Planes.

Boy, you wouldn't
catch me on one
of those things.

I'm a train man, myself.
Course, that's just me.

Every day, thousands of people
fly all over the world.

Doesn't seem
to bother them.

I guess it's like everything
else in God's green earth.

You got to believe
in it, right?

You got to
have faith.

Well, meter's
running.

(BLOWS LIGHTLY)

Hi, Benson.
Hi, Katie.

Wow, what are you
all dressed up for?

Daddy and I were at the
cemetery visiting my mom.

Oh, that's nice.

You bring flowers?

We were going to,
but we forgot to stop.

So Daddy just
left her a note.
(BENSON CHUCKLES)

Well, it's the
thought that counts.

It's too bad you live
so far from Baltimore.

You can't visit your mom.

Don't worry, Katie.
We keep in touch.

You know what'll be great?

If we could call
heaven long distance.

I'm sure the phone company
is working on something
just like that.

(GIGGLES)

(CLOSING THEME PLAYING)