Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 14 - Rivals - full transcript

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(OPENING THEME PLAYING)

Morning, Kraus.
Good morning,
Benson.

Halt!

You always do that.

How many times do
I have to tell you,
don't do that!

That is your desk,

this is my
kitchen table.

Dirty files do not
go on my table,

food goes on my table.
Have you got that straight?

Next time you do it,
I won't be so nice
about it, buster.

Morning, everyone!
Hello, Liebchen!



Oh, my goodness.
Can I help you
with that?

I can handle it.
Okay.

So, how's it going
with the cello, Katie?

Okay. I have a lot
of catching up to do.

Catching up?
For what?

The recital's on Friday.
I don't wanna blow it.

Yeah, you start blowin'
on a cello, it sounds funny.

How'd you end up
with a cello, anyway?

I liked the way it
sounded, but that was
before I heard me play it.

(KRAUS LAUGHS)
Bye.

BENSON: Bye, sweetie.
Goodbye, Liebchen.

Ah, Katie reminds
me a lot of myself
at her age.

Well, with any luck,
she'll outgrow it.

When I was a young girl,
a couple of friends und I



used to play concerts for
the local townspeople.

Ah, we had a
wonderful trio.

Bass drum, flugelhorn
und glockenspiel .

We used to take requests.

But you all kept on
playing anyway, huh?

We were very good.

Except that selfish Trudi

always wanted all the
solos on her glockenspiel.

Here are the work
schedules you wanted.

Ah, ah, ah.
This is wrong.

I don't see
a problem.

That's because you
don't have a big
date tomorrow.

My husband frowns
on my dating.
He's funny that way.

I was sure
I had tomorrow off.

No, Gretchen has tomorrow off.
You have the next day off.

Just change your date.
I'd love to.

Unfortunately,
these two hockey teams

insist on having
their playoff tomorrow,

whether Linda and I
show up or not.

I see.
Life and death.

Well, maybe Gretchen
could help you out.

Sure, I'll take those
tickets. I love hockey.

No, I meant, since
there's nothing special

scheduled this week,
maybe you could switch
days off with Benson.

Why would I want
to do that?

To be nice.
You got a back-up plan?

Now, I know Gretchen
would be happy

to switch days
off with you

if you just do a favor
for her sometime.

Ja, I could
live with that.

You mean, you would
switch days off with me?

I don't see why not.

But don't forget,
you owe me one.

I'd like to give you one.

I hear you!

Here you go, Marcy.
Mail just came.

Oh, thanks, Benson.
You didn't have to
make a special trip.

I couldn't help myself.

Katie's practicing her
cello in the kitchen.

Marcy, is the
limousine here?
Yes, sir.

Oh, good. Now, Clayton,
here are all my notes, so
you shouldn't have any trouble

drafting the legislation
for the bird bill.

Bird bill?

Yes, it's a new
bird sanctuary,

and I just called it
the bird bill for short.

Catchy.

Oh, and Benson,
you might want
to take a look

at this schedule for
the ambassador's visit.
I've made some changes.

Sir?
Now, don't waste
time, Clayton.

I gotta deliver that
proposal before
legislature Monday.

Well, I realize that,
sir, but, uh, what
about the luncheon?

You're right.
I better get going.

No, uh, sir, I meant
that I was planning

to attend the
luncheon with you.

I didn't know
you were invited.

Well, the invitation was
extended to you and a guest.

I took the liberty of
accepting for both of us.

No, Clayton, I'm
afraid you can't go.

You've got to get
moving on that bill.

As it is, you've got
three days' work and a
day-and-a-half to do it.

Oh, Marcy, did you clear my
schedule for tomorrow evening?

Yes, sir. You're all set
for Katie's recital.
It starts at 7:30.

Hey, everybody.
Hi.

Sir, um, if I could prevail
upon you to reconsider.

After all, it would
be a shame to waste
the extra ticket.

Well, you're right.

Pete, do you want
to attend a
luncheon with me?

Great, I'm starved.

Wait...

(SCOFFS)
That's absurd.

You don't take Peter
to a prestigious
luncheon like that.

Clayton, there's nothing
wrong with taking Pete.

Please.

He could eat
yesterday's lunch.

It's still on his tie.

Benson, did you
see this letter?

The one where you win
a house? We all got one.

It's a personal
letter, Benson.

Well, that's strange.
It's not even addressed
to the Governor.

It's addressed
to Mrs. Gatling.

Obviously, whoever wrote
this doesn't know that
the Governor's a widower.

Maybe I should
just send it back.

Well, you sure
can't send it ahead.

Well, I'm dying to
know what it says.

Then read it.
It's in German.

I know. We'll ask Gretchen
to tell us what it says.

Good luck. All
she'll ever give me

is her name, rank,
and serial number.

(PLAYING OFF-KEY)

Oh!

Okay. Okay.

Not very good, is it?

Well, maybe with
a little more practice.

What's the use?
I'll just have to fake it.

Fake it?

Yeah, see, there are
four cello players.

If I can just get the
movements down right,

no one will ever know
that I'm not really playing.

Katie, if you don't
really play,

it won't be fair
to the other children.

But if I do play, it won't
be fair to the audience.

Gretchen, do you
have a minute?
Ja.

Well, we just got
the strangest letter.
It's in German.

What's so strange
about that?

The words are
spelled funny.

Let me see it.

Well, this letter
is for me.

How did you
get my letter?

Your letter?
It's addressed
to Mrs. Gatling.

What? Oh.

(GIGGLES)

So it is.
How curious.

What about it, Kraus?

You... You know
the post office.

Well, they don't address
the mail, Kraus,

they just deliver it.

So somebody thinks
you're Mrs. Gatling?

Well, it's an easy mistake.
Anyone could make it.

Exactly who did?

Trudi.
Who's Trudi?

And why does she think
you're Mrs. Gatling?

It's a long story.

Well, we got plenty of time
if you want to whup it on us.

Well, okay.

See, when I
was growing up,

Trudi was my
next-door neighbor.

We went to the same school.
We swam in the same pond.

We played in
the same band.

Oh, yeah, Trudi with
the glockenspiel.

Trudi with the
glockenspiel?

I have all
her albums.

We were always competing,
und Trudi always won.

Kraus, Kraus,
Kraus. The letter.

Oh, ja.

Well, one day,
she wrote und told me

that she had married
Karl Brunwaltser,

the local Burgermeister .

He is fat, und he drools,

but where I come from,
he's considered quite a catch.

She was convinced that
I could never do any better.

So I wrote back
und told her

that I had married
the Governor.

Well, at least you had
the decency not to tell him.

Ja, but now it's all over.

She is coming here tomorrow
und will discover my lies.

She will make me
und all my relatives

the laughing stock
of the village.

What am I going to do?

Tell her the truth.
Save her the trip.

She's already
on her trip.

She's only going to be here
for a couple of hours

before she changes planes.

She's on her way
to Disneyland.

Wait a minute.
When did you say
she was coming?

Tomorrow night.

Well, that's the night
the Governor has to
go to Katie's recital.

Whatever you're hatching,
Marcy, now would be
a good time to stop.

When Trudi comes
to the mansion
tomorrow night,

Mrs. Gatling and two
members of her loyal staff

will be there
to greet her.

Do you think
it could work?

Well, of course
it'll work.

Forget it, Marcy.
I'm not about to
start playing charades

in the Governor's mansion.

Oh, it'll only
take a few minutes.

We'll keep
your part small.
No.

I knew he'd say
that, Marcy.

Why should Benson
do something for me?

Maybe because he
owes you a favor?

That's right.

I won't do it.

Okay, Benson.

I should have known
you would welch on our deal.

You know what happened
to the last person that
called me a welcher?

Aha! So you have a
history of welching.

I always thought
you were a man of
your word, Benson.

I am a man
of my word.

How about if
I wash your car?

Your car?

Oh, I knew this favor
would come back to haunt me.

All right, I'll do it.
But we don't tell anybody.

Not a soul.

No one.
Never.

Never.
Swear?

I'll write it in
my blood, okay?

Write it 500 times.

What is taking
them so long?

Everyone should
have gone by now.

Ah, relax,
Gretchen.

The Governor will
be leaving soon.

But Trudi's plane
is landing in an hour.

There's plenty of time.
Don't panic.

What's taking the
Governor so long?

He should have
been gone by now.

Get him to leave!

Only the voters
can do that.

Well, I'm off to
Katie's recital.

Oh, good. Bye.

Bye.

Oh, goodnight,
Governor.

Oh, Pete. Do you know
if Clayton finished
that bird bill?

Not yet. It'll be
on your desk
in the morning.

Ah, good.
Good night!

ALL: Good night.

So, guys,
what's up, huh?

Nothing.
We're all busy.

Ja, we have plans,
so goodbye.

I got things
I can do, too.

So do them!

Yeah, thing is, I was supposed
to meet with Janine tonight

about the divorce settlement.

Turns out, she's got a date.

She's allowed.
You're separated.
Get out.

Well, I guess it's
time to hit the road.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)
See you guys Monday.

Hello. Oh, hi, Janine.
Check's in the mail.

Thanks a lot, pal.

Now we are really
behind schedule.

Pull yourself together,
Gretchen.

We're about to turn you
into the first lady

of this great state.

Now all we need
is to find a frog

who's willing to kiss her.

Right this way,
Mrs. Brunwaltser.

I'm sure you'll enjoy
your stay in our country.

That's what the
travel agent said.

But then again,
that's his job.

Do you do a lot
of traveling?

Tell me, is this what you
Americans call "small talk"?

Fraulein, did Gretchen, uh,

oh, excuse me,
Mrs. Gatling,

decorate this room
all by herself?

Yes, of course.

Every first lady likes to add
her own personal touch

to the mansion.

That would explain
this hideous vase here.

(SIGHS)
Poor Gretchen.

Her taste was
always so dreadful.

That vase belongs
to the Governor's family.

He's fond of it
and thinks it's
quite beautiful.

Oh, now I understand
his attraction to Gretchen.

Oh, just imagine,

strange-looking, dim-witted,
little Gretchen Kraus,

a governor's wife.

It takes all kinds.

Ja, of course.
Only in America!

Well, my dear,
where is she?

I haven't got all
night, you know.

I have a plane to
catch to Disneyland.

Oh, I'm sure you'll love
the phony animals.

I'll see what's keeping
Mrs. Gatling.

Do you believe that woman?

Yeah, she reminds me
of a bayonet I once knew.

Well, I told you
she wasn't very nice.

You and she are
from the same hometown, huh?

Ja.
Must be something
in the water.

You think we can
finish this before
the Governor comes home?

Okay, I'll get the tea.
Gretchen, you go in
and greet Trudi.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

Benson, do you
remember your part?

I only got
one line, Marcy.

It's an important line.

Well, Marcy,
I'm not dumb.
I remember it.

Well, what is it?

Give it to me again.

"Mrs. Gatling, you
promised the Governor

"you would meet him
at the party."

Yeah, of course,
that's it.

So, then I smile
and split.

And then you're
on your own.

Right. But don't rush it
or Trudi will get suspicious.

I'll get the tea.

Go ahead, Kraus.
Give it your best shot.

Hello, Trudi.

Gretchen.
Ja.

Oh, Gretchen, Gretchen,

Gretchen, Gretchen,
Gretchen, Gretchen.

Oh, poor dear,
you have changed so.

You haven't.
Oh, darling.

Oh, Gretchen,
I am so happy.

You know, I never believed
we would see each other again.

I was counting on it.

I mean, I was counting
the days until this moment.

So, Trudi, um,
how is Karl?

Oh, fine.

Ja, well, it's too
bad he couldn't make
the trip with you.

Oh, ja, he is miserable
when we're apart.

Oh, Gretchen,
what a wonderful
man Karl is.

And what a wonderful life
he has given me.

Oh, the love,
the respect...

The jewelry.

Mrs. Gatling?
Your tea.

Ah, Marcy,
thank you.

You know, Gretchen,

I was a little worried
there for a moment.

On the way over here,
the cab driver said that
there was no Mrs. Gatling.

Well, perhaps
he was new in town.

Well, that's
what I thought,

but he told me that
he has been living
here for 30 years.

Mrs. Gatling,
forgive me for
interrupting.

That's okay.

But, you promised
the Governor you would
meet him at that party.

That was my line.

This cab driver
said that he had known

the previous Mrs. Gatling,

but he had never heard of
Gretchen Gatling.

Why do you suppose
that is, Gretchen?

I... I don't know.

Well, there must be
a reasonable explanation.

Oh, I'm sure there is.

And I would just
love to hear it.

Well, um, uh...

Listen!

I think I hear
the Governor now...

In the hallway.

Very near the door.

Let me look.

I was right.
Here he is.

Here comes
the Governor.

Gretchen,
my love,
I'm home.

I've missed you so.

Oh! Forgive me.

You must be my Gretchen's
dear friend Trudi.

Gene Gatling, Governor
of this great state.

Gretchen,
you never wrote to me

that your husband
was a... A...

Gretchen, you
never told me

that Trudi had
a speech impediment.

But she did tell me
you play the glockenspiel.

Ja, ja, I do.

Heard you're
not very good.

How was the cocktail
party, Governor?

Oh, it was a
dreadful bore.

It always is without
my darling at my side.

When I found out
she was going to be late,

I came over here
to whisk her off myself.

MARCY: Not a moment
too soon.

Ja, ja, it's...

(CHUCKLES)
It's true.

We are just
crazy in love.

So it would seem.

Funny, you don't look
like a governor.

Yes, yes,
I know what you mean.

But lucky for me,
most of the voters
don't agree with you.

(LAUGHS)

He has such a wonderful
sense of humor.

That's one of
the reasons
I married him.

Tell her the
other reasons, dear.

That would take
all night, sweetheart.

Never mind.
Never mind,
Gretchen.

It's obvious
that the Governor

feels that you're
as beautiful
as that, uh, that vase.

Yes, I've always had
a weakness for
imported antiques.

Well, then,
I suppose it's true.

Well, congratulations,
Gretchen.

They dumped you
into the melting pot,

and you came out
smelling like a rose.

My, my, my!
Look at the time.

Mrs. Brunwaltser,
if you don't hurry,

you're going to
miss your plane.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, Fred, Fred,
Fred, Fred, Fred!

Fred, Freddie.

Freddie, uh,
Mrs. Gatling and I

were just entertaining her
old friend Trudi from Germany.

Uh, and you know how
these tourists are, Freddie.

They just love to
meet celebrities.

And since I am the governor
of this great state,

it was natural that
she would want to meet me.

Fred is my top aide.

Uh, I don't know what
I'd do without him.

(CHUCKLES)
Yes.

Uh, he...

Sometimes I think,
if I weren't here,

he could run this state
all by himself.

He's exaggerating.

But you know what the Governor
means, don't you, Fred?

Oh, of course.
Who are you?

Marcy, the maid.

Oh, I see.

Hello, Trudi.
Very nice to know you.

You don't mind if I call
you Trudi, do you?

You can call me Fred.

I thought I gave you
the evening off

so that you could attend
your daughter's recital.

Oh, no, the recital
ended early by
mutual agreement.

They didn't want
to play anymore.

And we didn't
want to listen.

Well, Fred, I'm so happy
you had a chance

to meet Trudi
before she has
to leave.

Oh, yes, so am I.

So, Trudi,
you're from Germany.

Hmm. Do you know
Willy Brandt?

No, I don't.

Oh, small world.
Neither do I.

Aha!

I thought I heard
voices in here.

Oh, dear, Clayton's
hearing voices again.

There's no telling
what he'll say.

Well, it has taken me
the better part of
36 grueling hours,

but I am proud to say

that I have finally
finished drafting

the bird sanctuary bill,

and I sincerely hope

that it meets with
your approval, Governor.

Why ask me?
What do you think,
Governor?

I don't like it one bit.
Take it back and do it again.

(CLEARS THROAT) Um...

Uh, I am very,
(CLEARS THROAT)
very tired

and, I will admit,
a little cranky.

(CHUCKLES)

What, what is this
all about, Governor?

No. I'm Fred.
He's the governor.

Fred. Governor.

(CHUCKLES)

Marcy?

I'm the maid.

Yeah, you're
the maid.
(CHUCKLES)

And, uh, what are
you supposed to be,
Gretchen?

The queen mother?

Clayton, that's no way
to talk to my wife.

Your wife?

(LAUGHS)

Sir?

I'm Fred.
He's sir.

Gretchen! Gretchen, does this
man work for you, too?

Uh...
Well, actually, he's another
member of my staff.

We only keep him on because
his father was so loyal to us.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

All right.

Fred.

What the hell
is going on here?

It's time for
your warm bath.

Warm bath?
That's an order.

Sir?

I took mine.

Okay. Okay,
I'll be going now.

Just let me
get this straight.

You are the governor.
You are...

Fred.
Right!

You are... Oh...
You're the maid!

(LAUGHS)
You are his wife.

Ja.
Ja.

And since, uh, you're having
this lovely tea party,

you must be Alice. (LAUGHS)

Give my regards
to the Mad Hatter.

Well, there is only one
remaining question.

(CHUCKLES)

Who am I?

Well, Trudi, since
you've met the family,

I suppose you should be
getting to the airport.

Take my limousine.

Your limousine?

We all have one.

You all have one?

That's America!

Gretchen, do you
seriously think

I believe this little
kinderspiel?

This is no mansion.
It's a madhouse.

And these people
are all fools.

Goodbye.
Wait a minute, Trudi!

This has gone far enough.

I am going to
tell you the truth.

I am not married
to this gentleman,

und he is not the governor.

This is Gene Gatling,
the governor of the state.

Und this lady
is not a maid.

She is Marcy Hill,

the Governor's
executive secretary.

I work for the Governor,
und I am proud of it.

These people are
all my friends.
They did this for me.

Und with real
friends like these,

well, who needs
friends like you?

So...

Goodbye, Trudi.
Give my regards to Karl.

(SCOFFS)
That schweinhund.

The big, fat,
drooling slob

ran off with a
20-year-old meter maid.

Now I'm alone,
the town has no
Burgermeister,

and everyone is
parking for free.

Trudi, I am sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry, too,
Gretchen, for so many things.

Will you still
write to me?

Sure.

Will you send me
a postcard from
Disneyland?

Ja. Ja.

Well, goodbye, Governor.
Goodbye, Trudi.

Goodbye, Miss Hill.

Goodbye, Fred.

I'll see you out, Trudi.

Thank you, my friends.

You know, what Miss Kraus
said was really very
beautiful.

Thanks for going
along with us,
Governor.

Oh, actually, I enjoyed
not being governor
for a while.

I'd be careful
who I said that to.

You know, I thought
the whole thing
was a lot of fun.

Now, I know what
would be even more fun.

GOVERNOR: What?
Let's never explain
this to Clayton.

(CLOSING THEME PLAYING)