Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Apartment - full transcript

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLICKS TONGUE) I knew it.
You are doing it again.

You are always hogging
the newspaper.

When are you going
to finish with it?

Is that a new aftershave
lotion you're wearing?

What are you doing reading
the classifieds section?

I hope you are checking
the job openings.

No, lost and found.

And day now,
the zookeeper is gonna
discover you're missing.

Good morning.
BOTH: Good morning.

Oh, any luck with
the apartment, Benson?



Not yet, Marcy,
but there's some interesting
ads in today's paper.

Well, Benson, if I had known
you were looking
for an apartment,

I would have brought some
out-of-town newspapers.

He's not moving,
Gretchen.

He just wants a place
to use on his days off,

kind of a weekend
getaway.

Get away? From what?

Does tall, blonde,
and nosy ring a bell?

Come on, Benson.
What's the real reason
you want an apartment?

I don't want an apartment,
I need an apartment!

Well, all right then,
why do you need
an apartment?

Because I need to get
out of here once in a while
and have a life of my own.

You have days off.
I don't disturb you
on weekends.

Kraus, somebody is always
coming to my door.



"The mail's not here."
"Check with Benson."

"The chauffeur's drunk."
"Check with Benson."

"The airport's fogged in."
"Check with Benson."

Marcy, where is the staff list
for this afternoon's luncheon?

Check with Benson.

You've got the list.

Uh, do you think you could
tear yourself away

from Dear Abby long enough
to give it to me?

Clayton, believe me,
I'd love to give it to you.

Benson isn't
reading Abby.

He's looking for
an apartment.

He wants his own
little bunny hutch.

Looking in the classified
section?

You won't find
anything there.

Well, where would you
look for an apartment?

The obituaries.
The obituaries?

Yes, I find them invaluable
when I'm looking for things

like rare books,
antiques, apartments.

Somewhere
at this very moment,

a withered old lady with
a simply fabulous duplex

is about to croak.

Good morning.
ALL: Morning.

Ah, Peter, you brought
a change of clothes.

Having spaghetti
for lunch?

Why is he like that?

'Cause nobody's died lately
with anything he wants.

You got
a date tonight, Pete?
Yeah, sort of.

"Sort of" means he's gonna
dress up and stand on
the street corner

and wait for somebody
to come up and talk to him.

Come on, Benson.
Where are you taking her?

How do you know
it's a her?

Well, she's trying to give you
the benefit of the doubt.

We're gonna go
to Smitty's.
Smitty's?

Only the most expensive
restaurant in town.

Yeah, well,
Janine's paying.

Janine? Your ex-wife
is taking you to dinner?

What's the big deal?
It's his money.

I didn't know you two
were still even talking.

Yeah, well, it's kind of
an anniversary.

Oh, yeah? What kind?
You know, it's no...

Oh, come on.
Tell us.

Well, we'd been married
about a year,

and not much
was happening.

You know what I mean?
Mmm-hmm.

So, I took her to Smitty's,

and something about the place
put her into a romantic mood.

I think it was
the prices.

So, naturally, I just kept
taking her back there,

and every time...
Bingo!

Bingo?

You call a romantic evening
with your wife "bingo?"

Yeah. What would
you call it?

If it were with you,
I'd call it off.

They're restoring
the building and it's
in a great neighborhood.

Sounds too good to be true.
What's the catch?

The guy won't let me
have the apartment
unless I buy his furniture.

Oh, what style is it?

Well, I don't know that
you can call it a style.
It's more like, uh...

Early Halloween.
(LAUGHS)

You're gonna
buy it, anyway?

Well, I made him an offer.
He's gonna get back to me.

Did you pull those
folders for me?
I'm doing it now.

Benson,
congratulations.

Miss Kraus just told me
about your new bachelor pad.

Well, thank you
very much, sugar,
but it's not mine yet.

And it's not a bachelor pad,
Katie. It's just an apartment.

Oh, I was hoping
it was a bachelor pad.

If you're gonna fix it up,
you can have my
John Travolta poster.

Don't tell me you
and John are through.

I didn't plan it
that way, Benson.

It's just that Bruce
came along.
Bruce?

Bruce Springsteen.
Get with it.

Do you want the poster?

Well, maybe you better
hang on to John

until you see how things
work out with Bruce.

You're probably right,
Benson.

I hope I outgrow
this fickle stage soon.

When I was her age,
I couldn't decide between
Fabian and Frankie Avalon.

You couldn't decide
which one you liked better?

No, I couldn't
tell them apart.

Oh, Benson!
I just heard from
a reliable source

that you found
an apartment.

Would that reliable source
be the German Rona Barrett?

Have you signed
anything yet?
No.

Good. I've got
a better deal for you.

How would like to
move into my place?

Will you promise to take me
to dinner at Smitty's?

I'm not asking you
to live with me.

I was hoping you'd
pick up the lease.

I'm gonna move
back in with Janine.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I think.

I mean, based on everything
you've said, Pete,

I thought you hated her.

Janine? Are you kidding?
I never hated Janine.

I may have hated some
of the things she said.
And did.

I hated her shoes.

Pete.
Oh, come on, Marcy.

The only reason
she wore wedges
was to be taller than me.

But that's all
in the past.

What do you say,
Benson?

Ah, Peter, just the person
I'm looking for.

Did you write this speech?
Does it have
my name on it?

Yes, and part
of your sandwich.

The governor has to deliver
this speech on Monday.

What's wrong with it?
It's trash.

Oh, don't hold back.

If you don't like it,
just say so.

I want a shorter version
on my desk by tomorrow
morning.

I can give you
a shorter version
right now.

The man simply cannot take
constructive criticism.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello? Oh, yeah,
one minute.

It's for you.
Oh, thank you.

Hello? Yes.
Terrific!

Right. Bye.

(LAUGHING)
I got the apartment.

Congratulations.
When do you move in?

This weekend.
Oh, that's great.

Yep, a place of my own.

Oh, Benson, you're just
gonna love it.

You bet. Peace and
quiet and privacy.

(MAN 1 ON TV)
Well, we're about ready
for the opening tip-off.

Marv, what would you say
would be the major factor in
tonight's basketball game?

MAN 2: Chuck, I can answer
that in one word, fast break.

That's two words.

MAN 1: Well, the teams
are taking he court,

so it looks like
we're about to begin.

All right.
(BUZZER RINGS)

(SCOFFS)

(SIGHS)

It is you. I thought
that was you moving in.

It was me.

Bronson, right?
Benson.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, right.

What a coincidence,
you ending up here.

I'm your next-door
neighbor.

Hmm. Small world.

You don't remember me,
do you?

What, are you kidding me?
Of course I remember you.

You're my
next-door neighbor.

I'm Rhonda, Rhonda Page.

We met at
the Johnson's party.

Did you cut your hair?
No.

I didn't think so.
Come on in.

Listen,
can I get you something?
I don't have much to offer.

How about a beer?
Great.

Okay. You'll have to
take it with a paper cup.

I don't have any glasses.

I see you got all
your furniture moved in.

Let's get one
thing straight.

This is not
my furniture.

(LAUGHS) Good.
(CHUCKLING)

Well, it's tacky,
but it works.

Why don't you
have a seat?

Oh, you're watching
the game.

Yeah, actually, I was.
I love basketball.

Yeah, I've been looking
forward to this game all week.

You know, I'm surprised
you didn't remember me.

You know, now I remember
why I didn't remember you.

You remember when
I used to call you
and you told me to forget it?

I did.

Well, you called me
at a bad time.

1979 was a bad time?

I was engaged.
Oh.

So, now you're, uh...

Living next door.

Alone?
Oh, no.
I have a roommate.

Mmm.
Her name's Denise.

Oh!

So what happened
to your fiance?

He got married.
(BUZZER RINGS)

He doesn't live in this
building, does he?

Who is it?
GOVERNOR: Me, Benson.

Surprise!

It certainly is.
Come on in.

Yeah, I haven't seen you
since yesterday.

How have you been?
Oh, fine. You?

Good. This is for
your housewarming.

You better put it
in the freezer
before it melts.

Hope you like pistachio.
(CHUCKLING)

Thank you, sir.
This is Rhonda Page.

Oh, hi.
Good to know you.

I'm Gene Gatling.

Well, it looks like we're
the first people here, huh?

Do I know you
from somewhere?

It could be.
Where'd you go
to high school?

Thank you for the ice cream,
Governor.

You're the governor!

I know.

Please, sit down.

Oh, Benson,
you didn't tell me
you knew the governor.

Oh, well, don't hold
that against me.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

So, where is everybody?

What everybody?

Uh... Everybody.

Different places,
I guess.

Well, I mean,
the party's here.
What party?

Oh, Benson,
I'm afraid I blew it.

Listen, just forget
I was ever here.

(BUZZER RINGS)

Too late.
They're here already.

Listen...
Let's everybody hide.

Surprise, Benson.
Wrong.

Oh. Well,
isn't this nice.

Governor,
I'm sorry we're late.

We had trouble finding
the building.

Oh, we?
There are more of you?

Here. I made food.

Oh, Kraus,
you shouldn't have.

They forced me.

Clayton?
They forced me.

They shouldn't have.

Everybody, I'd like you
to meet Rhonda Page.

Rhonda, these are some of
the people that I work with.

This is Clayton,
Marcy, Gretchen.

Everybody
introduce yourselves.

Hi. I'm Marcy Hill.

Rhonda Page.
I live next door.
Oh.

Isn't that amazing?

He's here one day and
already he has neighbors.

I mean, everybody
has neighbors.

It was just that I was...

Uh, Governor, please
don't explain it, please.

I'm Gretchen Kraus.

I'm Benson's neighbor
during the week.

Now you know why I need
a weekend retreat.

Are we interrupting
anything?

No, no, no. Just a reunion
and a basketball game.

Oh, you two play
ball together?

Oh, well, why don't I
just open the wine?

Where do you keep
your glasses?

If I knew I was
having a party,

I would have bought some.

You don't have
any glasses?

Oh, just leave it
in the bag, Marcy.

We'll pass it around.

There are some paper cups
in the kitchen.
Thank you.

Ooh, paper cups.
All the comforts of home.

You have
a lovely view, Benson.

I can see my car
from here.

Look, Benson, I didn't know
you were having company.

Neither did I.
I'll check you later.

No, no, no, no.
Stick around.
Join the party.

I'm going to.

Yeah, I hope you don't mind
our dropping in like this.

Oh, no,
why would I mind?

It feels like I never
left the mansion.

Benson?
Thank you.

Governor.
Oh, thank you, Marcy.

Clayton, here's yours
with your initials on it.
Ah!

Well, we all have
our wine.

Oh, yes, we're having
some fun now.

I'll say.

Well, I would like
to propose a toast.

That is the ugliest thing
I have ever seen.

I had in mind a more
traditional toast, Miss Kraus.

To Benson and his
new home away from home.

Not that I'd consider
the governor's mansion
Benson's home.

It isn't even my home.
I'm just using it
till the end of my term.

Then I'll go home.

Sir. Sir, the wine is
beginning to soak through
the bottom of my cup.

The governor believes in
drinking no wine... (GASPS)

Before it's time.

To Benson's new apartment.

ALL: Cheers.
Hear, hear.

Well, anybody like
basketball?

We don't have
enough people.

Did I ever tell you about
the time I started at center
for my high-school team?

Uh, excuse me, sir.
I believe my watch
has stopped.

Does anyone have the time?

Oh, my goodness,
will you look at that?

8:15 already.

Well, I hate
to tear myself away.

Oh, must you
go so soon?

But I'm working tomorrow.
(CHUCKLES) Sunday.

But I don't mind, sir.
I don't mind either,
Clayton.

Thank you, Benson.
It's been a unique
experience.

It's the first time
I've ever tasted
a New Jersey Chablis.

Well, I guess
I should be going, too.

Maybe we all
should be going.

What have we got here,
a bunch of party poops?

The evening's
still young.

Sorry. Why didn't you tell me
you were having company?

Why didn't you tell me
I was having a party?

It was a surprise.
So was my company.

Well, have a nice weekend.
I'm trying to.

Bye, everyone.
Goodbye, Benson.

Goodbye, Kraus.
Thanks for the food.

Don't forget to bring back
the crockpot on Monday.

Oh, Benson, you know,
you really have

a terrific apartment.
Thank you, sir.

This reminds me a little
of a place my Uncle Al
used to have.

Uh, Governor,
couldn't this story
wait till next week?

(CHUCKLES)
Gotcha.

Good night.
Good night, sir.

You know, Benson,
you really are
a terrific host.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you.

I'm sorry about all that.
I didn't know they
were gonna drop by.

Where did you meet
the governor?

Well, I work for him.

How's the game?
Oh, you're more interesting
than I remember.

Well, that's 'cause
the guy you remember
was named Bronson.

So? You didn't
remember me at all.

Oh, temporary insanity.
Want to watch the game?

I won't let you
forget me again.

Ah, 14 to 12.

This game's
a rout anyway.

So, what have you
been doing lately?
(BUZZER RINGS)

(SIGHS) I thought
we were gonna be alone.

Well, don't worry.
It's probably a wrong door.

Well, while you're
getting rid of them,
I'll go freshen up.

Okay, it's through there.
That's all right.
I'll find it.

The party's over, Benson.
I know that, Pete.

What are you doing here?

I don't wanna talk about it.
It's too painful.

I don't wanna talk
about it, either.
Thanks for dropping by.

I don't want to burden you
with my problems.

I just need a place
to stay.
(GASPS)

What do you mean
you need a place to stay?

Janine threw me out, Benson.
I've got no place else to go.

Sure you do.
You can use my room
at the mansion.

Oh, I can't.

The mansion's so big
and lonely.

I got to be with people.

Well, Pete, you must
know somebody else.

Janine got custody
of our friends.

You know, it's funny.
You never realize how alone
you are until you're alone.

All right, you can sleep
for one night on the couch.

The couch?
Out!

No. The couch.
The couch is fine.

Oh, hey.
We're not alone.

We sure aren't.
Neither are we, Rhonda.

This is Pete Downey.
Meet Rhonda Page.

Nice to meet you.
I live next door.

It's nice to meet you.
My wife threw me out.

Benson offered to put me up.
Isn't he a sweetheart?

Your secret's out,
Benson.

I'm not gonna
get in the way.

I'll just put my things
in the bedroom.

I've got a lot of
heavy thinking to do,

and I don't like people
to see me cry.

Maybe I should leave.
I think your friend needs you.

No, no, no, no.
Stay.

Well, I live in the building.
You live in the building.
There's plenty of time.

As my friend Shakespeare
used to say,

"There is a tide
in the affairs of men,

"which, taken at the flood,
leads on to greatness."

Sweetheart,
this is our flood.

(CHUCKLING) Well,
if you put it that way,

how about some more wine?

Two more wines coming up.

Oh, you better make
that three, Benson.

Is yours to go?

I found out one thing
in the bedroom.

I need people.

(SCOFFS) But that's
enough about me.

Let's talk about you two.
Now, how did you guys meet?

We're still trying to.

You mean, you met for
the first time tonight?

We met at a party.
When?

New Year's.
Christmas.

I'm sure
it was Christmas.

Well, you must have
left early 'cause I stayed
till New Year's.

That must have been
some party.

Yeah, Rhonda spent
most of the evening

dancing with some guy,
but I had a good time anyway.

We couldn't drag Benson
away from the piano.

He sang all evening.

Yeah, we lit a fire,
sang Christmas carols,

but then the room
backed up with smoke
'cause they broke the flue.

Oh, then,
remember some dummy

tried to put out the fire
with eggnog.

(CACKLING)

Yeah, that was me.

Benson, let me ask you
something honestly.

Am I a slovenly,
ignorant pig

with no justifiable reason
for living?

Is that a two-part
question?

That's what Janine
thinks of me.

Oh, I'm sure
she didn't mean it.

This whole ordeal has
given me an appetite.

You got anything to eat?

Yeah, fix yourself something
in the kitchen,

but eat it
in the bedroom.

Look, maybe we should
go over to your place.

That way Pete
can be alone

and have a chance
to think things out.

Sorry, my roommate's
trying to finish some work

she brought home
from the office.

Maybe we can get Pete
to help her with it.

(CHUCKLING)
Don't I wish.

Found something
to nibble.

You know, it's nice of you
to let Pete stay here.
(DOOR CLOSING)

I had a hunch
you were a terrific guy.

If you got anymore hunches,
feel free to play them.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry to bother you again.

You... You're not gonna
watch TV, right?

Not now.

There's nothing to do
in the bedroom.

It's boring in there.

Listen to me.
I sound like Janine.

I'll keep the sound low.

You're not expecting
anybody else, are you?

I don't know anybody else.

So, tell me, Benson,
why did you move out
of the governor's mansion?

It must be nice there.

Well, I didn't move out
altogether.

This place is a sort of
weekend retreat.

I was hoping I'd find
some time for myself.

You know, maybe an attractive
neighbor would stop by,

and we'd get to know
each other.

PETE: Oh, my god!

It just didn't
turn out that way.

Benson, they're stealing
my car!

This isn't happening.

There they go.
They're stealing my car.

I don't believe this!

I don't either.
Who would want to
steal my car?

Wait, wait. It stalled.
Way to go.

It's a trained car.

PETE: Hey,
they got it started.

How did they
get it started?

I can never get it started
once it stalls.

I'll call the police.

My wife kicks me out,

then somebody comes along
and steals my car.

My car!
It's a '64 Rambler.

Nobody would steal
that wreck if it belonged
to somebody else.

But no,
get Pete Downey's car.

Somebody up there
hates me.

They're not all
up there, Pete.

The police put me on hold!

Sure, they knew
you were calling for me.

Pete, why don't you
go in the bedroom and
try to collect yourself?

We'll take care of
things out here.

What's your license number?

Six something.
It fell off.

Hello, police? Yes.
Just a minute.
Let me talk to them.

Hello, Sergeant?
Maybe I should split.

Oh, wait just a minute.
Hold on, Sergeant.

Uh, how about
dinner tomorrow?

Sure.
Terrific.

Hello, Sergeant?

Hello? Oh, great,
now they got me on hold.

(CRASHING)
Pete?

All I did was plug it in.

I think you need
a new picture tube.

(DOOR OPENING)
(PETE SIGHS)

Oh, what are you
doing up so early?

It's Sunday. Why didn't
you sleep late?

Normally, I would be
doing just that,

but I woke up this morning
to find you in my bed.

What were you doing
in my bed?

You were supposed to
sleep on the couch.

I can't sleep on
a strange couch.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I should have
crumbled cookies on it

to make you
feel more at home.

Hmm, that reminds me,
do you have an extra
toothbrush?

Yeah, an electric one.
Use it in the tub.

And those are my pajamas!
What are you doing
in my pajamas?

Are you always this testy
in the morning?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

You come over here,
and you invade my privacy.

You drive away my neighbor.

You put on my pajamas
and get into my bed with me!

Pete, you're beginning
to try my patience.

You'll feel a lot better
after you've had some
breakfast.

Oh, do you know
how to make French toast?

You talking to me?
(BUZZER RINGS)

Benson, would you get that?
I'm in my pajamas.

They're my pajamas!

Mr. Hospitality.

I hope it's my landlord
telling me my lease is up.

Morning, Benson.
Marcy!

So, how does it feel to be
living the solitary life

away from
your fellow man?

I have yet to know.

Benson, you're all out
of dental floss.

Oh, hiya, Marcy.
Pete, what are you
doing here?

Oh, don't ask.

Why not?
'Cause he'll tell you.

What are you doing here?
That's a good question.

Well, I brought you over
some glasses

before you had to wash out
your paper cups.

Well, Marcy,
you shouldn't have.

Well, they're nothing special.
My Aunt Helen gave them to me.

Well, still,
it was very nice of you.

No, it wasn't.
Wait till you see them.

Oh, your Aunt Helen's
big on grape jelly, eh?

(BUZZER RINGS)
You expecting someone?

Every moment of my life.

Well, I'll just
put these away,
then I'll leave you alone.

Alone? I wouldn't know
what to do with myself.

Good morning, Benson.

Clayton?
Marcy?

Clayton, what are you
doing here?

I called him last night
after you went to bed.

Yes, it seems Peter walked off
with the only copy

of the governor's speech
for tomorrow.

What did you do
with it, Peter?
Wrap your lunch in it?

Listen, if this is
government business,

why don't you take care of it
on government property?

Oh, it's easier than
both of us going
to the mansion.

Besides, my car was stolen,
remember?

Like it was yesterday.

No, no, no.
This will never do.

It's back to
square one.

Benson, would you get us
some coffee?

You talking to me?

Marcy, here's a pad.
Take some notes.

You talking to me?

By George,
I think she's got it.

Clayton, I would like to
remind you that today
is Sunday,

and I do not go into
the office on Sunday.

And I would like to remind you
that this is not the office.

(BUZZER RINGS)
Now, who could that be?

It's probably Kraus.
It's lonely at the mansion.

Come in, mystery guest,
and sign in, please.

Hello, Benson.

Oh, hello, Rhonda.
I wasn't expecting you.

You're not on
the state payroll.

Oh, I thought this would be
a better time to say hello,
but I guess not.

Oh, no, don't go.
They won't be here
that long.

We will if I don't get
some cooperation.

All right, you got
10 minutes, Clayton,

but I expect an overtime
payment in my check.

And rent payment
in mine.

I think
I'll come back later.

No, no, no,
I got a better idea.

Why don't I
come back later?
What?

Why don't we go somewhere
where we can be alone?

(CHUCKLES)
Like where?

You ever been to
the governor's mansion?

Turn off the lights,
lock the door,

and if you break anything,
you bought it.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Morning, Benson.
Good morning, sugar.

How was your first weekend
at your new apartment?

Did you miss me?
You were the only one
I could miss.

How was your weekend?

Daddy and I
went to the zoo.

I didn't have to
go to the zoo.
The zoo came to me.

Morning, Benson.
Good morning, Pete.
Are you lost?

This isn't my apartment.

Benson,
you're not gonna believe it.
I got a great new place.

Huh, that's a relief.
How'd you get one so fast?

Clayton found it in
the obituaries.
Hmm.

Oh, and that's not all.
The police my car.

And whoever stole it,
fixed the carburetor.

It turned into
a great weekend.

Yeah, we must
do it again sometime.

Thanks for putting
me up, Benson.
Eh!

Here, this is for you.

Oh, Pete,
you shouldn't have.

My pajamas!
That's okay.

Sorry, I didn't have
time to wash them.