Benson (1979–1986): Season 1, Episode 3 - The President's Double - full transcript
Benson stands in for the poisoned president of a newly formed African nation, meanwhile a fourth assassin comes looking for him.
Oh, Miss Kraus, did you
remember to get that...
Of course, I did.
Did what?
Remember anything you
could possibly mention.
I have arranged hundreds
of these receptions.
I think of everything.
Can you guess what
I'm thinking now?
Same to you, Benson.
Benson, how come
you're so uptight?
Well, I just want
this to go well, Katie.
I've never met a
president before.
I've met two. It's no big deal.
Well, I happen to think
a lot of President Ocassi.
How come?
Well, 'cause in two years
he's managed to pull
his people together
and bring 'em free elections
and he's done an incredible
amount for his country.
Then how come I
never heard of it?
Well, because it's a
new African country.
They just got their
independence.
A Third World country.
What do we need a
third world for anyway?
We had enough trouble with two.
Miss Kraus, have you
finished the hors d'oeuvres?
Of course, I did. What kind
of fool do you think I am?
I don't know. Is there
more than one kind?
KRAUS: I heard that.
Benson, the Governor
would like to see you.
Tell him to come on in.
Benson, in his office, now.
I'm busy right now.
Benson, obviously it's important
or he wouldn't have
sent me to get you.
Obviously. What's it about?
Well, for the moment
all I can say is that
tonight's reception
has to go smoothly
and with absolute dignity.
Well, I guess I'll
have to cancel
the naked lady
popping out of the cake.
Benson. Okay,
I'll cancel the cake.
Don't worry.
Everything's
gonna turn out fine.
Oh, Marcy, I think you
better tell everyone on the staff
that they're not to
know what happened.
But, sir, if I tell them,
then they'll know.
Oh, but they won't know what
it is they don't know, will they?
I don't know.
Governor?
Oh, come in, come in.
Gentlemen, this is Benson.
So what do you think?
About what?
Interesting. He might work.
Under the
circumstances, he's ideal.
Thank you. You're
not so bad yourself.
Who's the Shriner?
Benson, this is Mr. Loromo,
the Foreign Minister of
the Republic of Zatmundey.
Yeah?
Oh, it's an honor
to meet you, sir.
Yes, and it pleases us greatly to
make your acquaintance, as well.
Thank you, thank
you very much, yes.
Well, I'd love to stay
and chat some more,
but I've got to
get back to work.
Again, it was a pleasure
meeting you. Excuse me.
No... Um, Benson,
the reason we asked you
in is that President Ocassi
won't be able to
attend the reception.
What happened? I'm
afraid he's indisposed.
Oh?
He's a little under the weather.
Oh!
He was poisoned.
Well, don't look at me.
We have the suspects in custody.
Is the President all
right? Oh, he'll be fine.
It seems, three members
of a radical fringe group
managed to slip a
potentially lethal substance
into his orange juice at
the hotel this morning.
Wasn't his security with him?
Yes, I was with him.
What'd you do, squeeze your own?
Caldwell, Secret Service.
Uh, could I see that again?
Benson, he's the real thing.
He may be the real thing,
but he ain't very good at it.
Governor, what has
this got to do with me?
You see,
once the radical faction
of my country learns
that the President is
temporarily vulnerable,
they will immediately
attempt to overthrow him.
Now, they must be convinced
that their plot has failed.
And they won't take
your word for it, huh?
No, Benson, you see,
President Ocassi's in the hospital
and our guests are
expecting to meet him tonight.
Well, what time are visiting
hours? I can take four in my car.
And we can't
cancel the reception.
The whole world would
know something's wrong.
Well, make up a story. Say
he's got the flu or something.
But how's that going
to fool anyone, Benson?
They sent people
here to poison him.
They'll think they succeeded.
Yes, and new fighting will break out
before the President can return home.
So what are you gonna do?
Well, fortunately,
Taylor has a plan.
Oh, really? Taylor?
This oughta be good.
What is it?
We simply have someone
impersonate the President.
(LAUGHING)
You're crazy.
Who?
You. You who?
You, that's who.
You want me to pretend
I'm President Ocassi?
Will you do it? No!
What do you mean, "No"?
No, N-O. No. I can't
put it plainer than that.
Benson, they already caught
the people who tried to poison him,
so it's not as if
there's any danger.
I can't do it. Get
somebody else.
There's no time
to get anyone else.
The guests will be here soon.
Besides, if we went looking for
someone, word would get out.
Well, what about
Mr. Loromo or Caldwell here?
Caldwell volunteered,
but I'm afraid he's too tall.
Well, if he were to
scrunch down like that...
See? Spitting image.
Benson.
No good? The worst.
Well, suppose he
stood in a hole?
This is the President's
first visit to this country.
This is all anyone's ever
seen of President Ocassi.
Put you in a beard
and the right clothes,
I'm sure you could
impersonate him.
Well, I sing a little bit,
but I don't do no impressions.
Well, Benson, when their
country's embroiled in civil war,
I hope you can live
with your conscience.
If he doesn't want
to, I can understand.
No, no, let's face it.
What's at stake here
is either your vanity
or unspeakable carnage.
Now, wait. I'm not afraid
of embarrassing myself.
I just don't want
to embarrass you,
and the State and
President Ocassi.
It'd never work.
There is a chance that it might.
Mmm-hmm, about one in a million.
But you are the only
chance that we have.
Come on, nobody'll
believe I'm President.
Benson, I didn't think anybody'd
believe me as Governor,
but here I am.
Uh-huh.
Benson, this is very important.
(GRUMBLING) Ah, well, all right.
But I ain't wearing
one of them hats.
All right, Benson, when
were you elected President?
Uh, 1977.
Ouch! Ouch! Watch
those scissors.
Benson, please pay attention.
We only have a
couple of minutes.
I know that.
You have a degree from Oxford,
you speak seven languages.
Is one of them English?
Yes.
Good, 'cause that's
all they're gettin' tonight.
Try not to sweat too
much, it'll loosen the glue.
Well, you try not to sweat
when you're nervous.
Benson, bear with me.
What's the average annual
rainfall in Zatmundey?
Rainfall? Taylor, these people
are not gonna come up to me
and ask me, "How's the weather?"
It happens to be 37 inches.
Thank you.
Here's your speech. What speech?
President Ocassi's.
Presidents always make
speeches on these occasions.
But I don't. Let
that Loromo do it.
He can't. He's gone back to the
hospital to be with the President.
Benson, I realize that I
put you in a terrible position,
but we need their
mineral products
and they need our equipment
to help build their country
and now we need you to
help make that all happen.
Okay?
Buzz off, Taylor, okay?
May I come in? It's your office.
Well, yeah, but I don't
want to disturb you.
It's too late for that. I'm
plenty disturbed already.
Oh, come on, you're
gonna do just fine.
Oh, yes, the way
they've got you fixed up
you could've even fooled me.
That good, huh?
I must say the
resemblance is remarkable.
Oh, yeah? You
really look like him.
Well, he is a handsome devil.
Oh, believe me, Benson,
no one will ever know
that they aren't meeting
the real President Ocassi.
Hi, Benson.
Hello, Katie.
What you doin',
playing dress-up?
Somethin' like that.
Um, it's a special
occasion, honey.
Really? What is it? Uh-huh.
How'd you like to go to a movie?
Why? What is going on? Nothing.
When you want to get rid of me,
you always send me to a movie.
That's not true.
Then why can't I stay?
Let her stay here.
I'll go to the movie.
I'm not going to any movie.
Okay, then, go visit
your grandmother.
What movie did you have in mind?
You'll find something.
I'll see you later,
honey, run along.
Benson, did you ever
think of growing a beard?
No, not really. Good.
Governor, I can't do this.
Oh, come on, come on.
Now, what's the net increase
of the gross national product?
Who cares?
It's 7%.
You know, Benson,
something in all this reminds me
of when I was a kid and
Eleanor Roosevelt came to visit.
Sir...
Uh, she was the
President's wife, of course.
Do I have a wife? I'll check.
Oh, but, maybe I've
told you this already.
No. Oh, good.
Well, you see, my mother
was very active in the war effort,
sewing bed sheets
and one thing or another.
So, one day towards
the end of '42...
Well, now, this
could've been '43.
Well, it was the same year
that Count Fleet won the Derby.
Now that much I remember.
Sir, I think some of the
guests have already arrived.
What guests?
For the reception?
Oh, yeah, oh, thank
you. That's right.
Well, I'm sorry, Benson.
I'll just have to
finish this story later.
I'll be looking forward to it.
Benson, this really is a
wonderful thing you're doing.
How can I ever thank you?
There'll be a list on
your desk in the morning.
Now what else do I have to know?
You don't have time for that.
We have to get you out there.
Benson, I know you're
not crazy about doing this,
but it is for a
good cause. Yeah.
So just relax and don't
worry about anything.
I know you're
gonna do just fine.
Yeah. I hope.
And just remember, the fate of an
entire nation is riding on your shoulders.
Thanks, that takes
the pressure off.
So, the two of us boys never did get
rich by going down into that wishing well
and scooping up all the pennies.
See, the problem was, it
was not only dark down there...
Excuse me, Governor.
Hello, how are you?
Nice to see you. Excuse us.
Go ahead. What?
Introduce the President.
Oh, well, I will.
I was just waiting for somebody
to give me the go-ahead.
Go ahead.
Oh, fine. Then I'll go ahead.
Ladies and gentlemen,
if I could have your
attention, please, thank you.
Uh, as you know, we are
honored to have as a guest
a man with whom we've just completed
an extraordinary trade agreement.
A man who has
done so much to bring
stability to a troubled
part of the world,
which reminds me
of several stories.
The best of which concerns the time Eleanor
Roosevelt came to visit my family...
Go ahead!
Uh, so, without any further ado,
it gives me great
pleasure to introduce
the President of Zatmundey,
His Excellency, Hirum Ocassi.
(IN FAKE AFRICAN
ACCENT) Wonderful to see you.
So glad you came.
Thank you. Thank you
so much. Thank you.
As they say in my country,
hello.
You know, Mr. President,
you look different than
you do on television.
I do?
Yes, you look much younger.
(LAUGHING)
You must have been
watching old news.
You know, Governor,
this is a splendid affair.
Whoever runs this house
should get a big raise.
You sure of that?
There's something
wrong, isn't there? Uh-huh.
Is that my "uh-huh"
or his "uh-huh"?
Oh, you should see Benson.
Oh, then, he's doing all right.
All right? He's got everybody
completely fooled. Oh.
Then they are bigger
fools than he is.
Sir, there's a bit of
a problem. I knew it.
I could tell from the
"uh-huh." Uh-huh.
Evidently, there's a fourth
assassin and he's in the area.
What area?
The area of the living room.
How?
A guard saw someone
running across the lawn.
And he went to check
and found an open window.
A window! Well, I certainly
hope somebody's looking into it.
When I say, "I hope
somebody's looking into it..."
We know, Governor. We know.
What you're saying is somebody
out there is gonna try to kill him?
The Governor? No, Benson.
Oh, that's a relief.
Yes, we have concluded
an excellent trade
agreement with your country.
But do you intend
to apply a tariff?
Uh, I don't tare if I do
and I don't tare if I don't.
Mr. President, uh, how
do you find America?
I fly to Mexico and turn right.
No, no, no, no. I mean, sir...
I'd like to know,
do you like it here?
Oh, yes, I love it here.
Yes, it reminds me of home.
Well, what do you miss
most about your country?
The gross national
product, which is 7%,
and the rainfall, which
is 37 inches, you know.
Mr. President. Hello, Governor.
I must say, Mr. President,
you speak English very well.
Oh, thank you so
much, and so do you.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Say what?
I thought that meant "thank
you very much," in your language.
Well, it can mean that,
but the way you
have just phrased it,
it was an insult to my mother.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's okay. I'll let
it go this time.
Mr. President.
Hello, Governor.
Excuse me.
Benson, I don't
know how to say this,
but there's a man in here
who's going to try to kill you.
I hate to eat and run.
No, no, no, wait.
I'll hate myself in the morning.
No, you can't go. You wanna bet?
Caldwell said that the moment
you try to leave this room,
you're a dead man.
Well, in that case I
could stay a little longer.
Besides, we can't let the others
know there's anything wrong.
You don't think they'll
suspect something
when they see me face
down in the punch bowl?
Who's the killer?
Well, they're
trying to find out.
Tell them to look for the one
standing over my dead body.
Benson, be careful.
There's a thought.
(SCREAMS)
Hello. It's so wonderful
to see you again.
Mr. President, I'd like
you to meet Mr. Stevens.
Oh, Mr. Stevens, so
glad you could come.
Mr. Stevens is Director
of Marketing for...
(TRAY CLANGING)
So sorry. I dropped my napkin.
Uh-huh. Again "Uh-huh"?
Well? Who?
Oh, no. What? What?
We know who it is.
Well, then, go get him.
It's not that easy, sir.
It's Phillip Yates.
Oh.
You've heard of him then.
No.
A real slick operator,
tough to catch.
He's in the living room.
How tough could it be?
It's difficult to say.
Could you try?
Well, he uses a
lot of disguises.
Fact is, in crime circles
he's known as the man
of a thousand faces.
Wonderful, we have a
killer with a cute name.
We have reason to believe
Yates has done jobs as a rabbi,
a midget and once
as a Shetland pony.
I didn't see any
of those out there.
Of course, I wasn't
looking for the pony.
Governor, what he's saying
is that it could be anybody.
Of course, sooner or
later he'll tip his hand.
Good. How?
He'll try to kill Benson
and then we've got him.
I'm not sure Benson's
gonna like that plan.
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
No, thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen,
if we could have a little quiet.
At this time I would like to ask our
esteemed guest, President Ocassi,
to deliver to us any remarks
he feels are appropriate
on this auspicious occasion.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you President Ocassi.
Hello.
Excuse me.
Make the speech.
I forgot the speech.
Well, read it from the cards.
That's what I mean,
I forgot the cards.
Then make it up, come
on. I'll help you if you need it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I
give you President Ocassi.
(WHISPERING) Governor
Gatling and distinguished guests...
Governor Gatling and
distinguished guests...
in the short time that
I have been here...
in the short time that
I have been here...
we have discussed many
topics of mutual interest.
We have discussed many
topics of mutual interest.
The most important achievement
has been the agreement
for economic cooperation
between your country
and my country.
What?
Our most important achievement
has been the agreement
for economic cooperation between
your country and my country.
Our most important
achievement has been
the agreement for
economic cooperation
between your country
and my country.
Benson, what's going
on? You don't know?
Know what?
There's a hit man in
here trying to kill me.
What? We've got to
get you out of here.
No, no, no. We'd
never get to the door.
If you'd prefer I
didn't smoke, just ask.
Sorry.
We are so pleased
with the spirit of progress
that has marked
these proceedings
and has resulted
in this agreement.
As my countrymen would say,
when the leopard makes
a home in the tall grass,
cancel the picnic. Thank you.
All you have to do is sign the
documents and you're finished.
If I'm not finished before that.
Mr. President. Yes, yes.
Would you care to sit down? Yes.
I wouldn't sit too close to me.
Let's see. I sign here and
you sign here, is that right?
TAYLOR: That's correct. One copy
each and then you exchange them.
Oh, Governor, what
a wonderful surprise
to see the traditional cane
dance of my country here.
And they did it so
well, didn't they?
And that concludes our ceremony.
You've done a really great job.
Now if you'd just
care to slip out.
After what I've been
through, I deserve a party.
Be a dear boy and fetch me
a tumbler of Scotch, will you?
Oh, have we had the
pleasure of meeting?
We have? Oh, you'll
have to forgive me.
I'm not myself today.
All right, Yates, let's go.
And listen, thanks for
your cooperation on this.
It was not cooperation.
You were no help at all.
You sure it's safe to open
this thing? Of course, it is.
It's from President
Ocassi himself.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Solid ivory.
Oh!
Gretchen, I want
you to have this.
Oh, Benson, no, it
is lovely, but I cannot.
Yes, you can.
I want you to, please.
Well,
thank you, Benson.
Thank you. You saved my life.
Yeah, but this is
worth so much more.
NARRATOR: Benson is videotaped
before a studio audience.
remember to get that...
Of course, I did.
Did what?
Remember anything you
could possibly mention.
I have arranged hundreds
of these receptions.
I think of everything.
Can you guess what
I'm thinking now?
Same to you, Benson.
Benson, how come
you're so uptight?
Well, I just want
this to go well, Katie.
I've never met a
president before.
I've met two. It's no big deal.
Well, I happen to think
a lot of President Ocassi.
How come?
Well, 'cause in two years
he's managed to pull
his people together
and bring 'em free elections
and he's done an incredible
amount for his country.
Then how come I
never heard of it?
Well, because it's a
new African country.
They just got their
independence.
A Third World country.
What do we need a
third world for anyway?
We had enough trouble with two.
Miss Kraus, have you
finished the hors d'oeuvres?
Of course, I did. What kind
of fool do you think I am?
I don't know. Is there
more than one kind?
KRAUS: I heard that.
Benson, the Governor
would like to see you.
Tell him to come on in.
Benson, in his office, now.
I'm busy right now.
Benson, obviously it's important
or he wouldn't have
sent me to get you.
Obviously. What's it about?
Well, for the moment
all I can say is that
tonight's reception
has to go smoothly
and with absolute dignity.
Well, I guess I'll
have to cancel
the naked lady
popping out of the cake.
Benson. Okay,
I'll cancel the cake.
Don't worry.
Everything's
gonna turn out fine.
Oh, Marcy, I think you
better tell everyone on the staff
that they're not to
know what happened.
But, sir, if I tell them,
then they'll know.
Oh, but they won't know what
it is they don't know, will they?
I don't know.
Governor?
Oh, come in, come in.
Gentlemen, this is Benson.
So what do you think?
About what?
Interesting. He might work.
Under the
circumstances, he's ideal.
Thank you. You're
not so bad yourself.
Who's the Shriner?
Benson, this is Mr. Loromo,
the Foreign Minister of
the Republic of Zatmundey.
Yeah?
Oh, it's an honor
to meet you, sir.
Yes, and it pleases us greatly to
make your acquaintance, as well.
Thank you, thank
you very much, yes.
Well, I'd love to stay
and chat some more,
but I've got to
get back to work.
Again, it was a pleasure
meeting you. Excuse me.
No... Um, Benson,
the reason we asked you
in is that President Ocassi
won't be able to
attend the reception.
What happened? I'm
afraid he's indisposed.
Oh?
He's a little under the weather.
Oh!
He was poisoned.
Well, don't look at me.
We have the suspects in custody.
Is the President all
right? Oh, he'll be fine.
It seems, three members
of a radical fringe group
managed to slip a
potentially lethal substance
into his orange juice at
the hotel this morning.
Wasn't his security with him?
Yes, I was with him.
What'd you do, squeeze your own?
Caldwell, Secret Service.
Uh, could I see that again?
Benson, he's the real thing.
He may be the real thing,
but he ain't very good at it.
Governor, what has
this got to do with me?
You see,
once the radical faction
of my country learns
that the President is
temporarily vulnerable,
they will immediately
attempt to overthrow him.
Now, they must be convinced
that their plot has failed.
And they won't take
your word for it, huh?
No, Benson, you see,
President Ocassi's in the hospital
and our guests are
expecting to meet him tonight.
Well, what time are visiting
hours? I can take four in my car.
And we can't
cancel the reception.
The whole world would
know something's wrong.
Well, make up a story. Say
he's got the flu or something.
But how's that going
to fool anyone, Benson?
They sent people
here to poison him.
They'll think they succeeded.
Yes, and new fighting will break out
before the President can return home.
So what are you gonna do?
Well, fortunately,
Taylor has a plan.
Oh, really? Taylor?
This oughta be good.
What is it?
We simply have someone
impersonate the President.
(LAUGHING)
You're crazy.
Who?
You. You who?
You, that's who.
You want me to pretend
I'm President Ocassi?
Will you do it? No!
What do you mean, "No"?
No, N-O. No. I can't
put it plainer than that.
Benson, they already caught
the people who tried to poison him,
so it's not as if
there's any danger.
I can't do it. Get
somebody else.
There's no time
to get anyone else.
The guests will be here soon.
Besides, if we went looking for
someone, word would get out.
Well, what about
Mr. Loromo or Caldwell here?
Caldwell volunteered,
but I'm afraid he's too tall.
Well, if he were to
scrunch down like that...
See? Spitting image.
Benson.
No good? The worst.
Well, suppose he
stood in a hole?
This is the President's
first visit to this country.
This is all anyone's ever
seen of President Ocassi.
Put you in a beard
and the right clothes,
I'm sure you could
impersonate him.
Well, I sing a little bit,
but I don't do no impressions.
Well, Benson, when their
country's embroiled in civil war,
I hope you can live
with your conscience.
If he doesn't want
to, I can understand.
No, no, let's face it.
What's at stake here
is either your vanity
or unspeakable carnage.
Now, wait. I'm not afraid
of embarrassing myself.
I just don't want
to embarrass you,
and the State and
President Ocassi.
It'd never work.
There is a chance that it might.
Mmm-hmm, about one in a million.
But you are the only
chance that we have.
Come on, nobody'll
believe I'm President.
Benson, I didn't think anybody'd
believe me as Governor,
but here I am.
Uh-huh.
Benson, this is very important.
(GRUMBLING) Ah, well, all right.
But I ain't wearing
one of them hats.
All right, Benson, when
were you elected President?
Uh, 1977.
Ouch! Ouch! Watch
those scissors.
Benson, please pay attention.
We only have a
couple of minutes.
I know that.
You have a degree from Oxford,
you speak seven languages.
Is one of them English?
Yes.
Good, 'cause that's
all they're gettin' tonight.
Try not to sweat too
much, it'll loosen the glue.
Well, you try not to sweat
when you're nervous.
Benson, bear with me.
What's the average annual
rainfall in Zatmundey?
Rainfall? Taylor, these people
are not gonna come up to me
and ask me, "How's the weather?"
It happens to be 37 inches.
Thank you.
Here's your speech. What speech?
President Ocassi's.
Presidents always make
speeches on these occasions.
But I don't. Let
that Loromo do it.
He can't. He's gone back to the
hospital to be with the President.
Benson, I realize that I
put you in a terrible position,
but we need their
mineral products
and they need our equipment
to help build their country
and now we need you to
help make that all happen.
Okay?
Buzz off, Taylor, okay?
May I come in? It's your office.
Well, yeah, but I don't
want to disturb you.
It's too late for that. I'm
plenty disturbed already.
Oh, come on, you're
gonna do just fine.
Oh, yes, the way
they've got you fixed up
you could've even fooled me.
That good, huh?
I must say the
resemblance is remarkable.
Oh, yeah? You
really look like him.
Well, he is a handsome devil.
Oh, believe me, Benson,
no one will ever know
that they aren't meeting
the real President Ocassi.
Hi, Benson.
Hello, Katie.
What you doin',
playing dress-up?
Somethin' like that.
Um, it's a special
occasion, honey.
Really? What is it? Uh-huh.
How'd you like to go to a movie?
Why? What is going on? Nothing.
When you want to get rid of me,
you always send me to a movie.
That's not true.
Then why can't I stay?
Let her stay here.
I'll go to the movie.
I'm not going to any movie.
Okay, then, go visit
your grandmother.
What movie did you have in mind?
You'll find something.
I'll see you later,
honey, run along.
Benson, did you ever
think of growing a beard?
No, not really. Good.
Governor, I can't do this.
Oh, come on, come on.
Now, what's the net increase
of the gross national product?
Who cares?
It's 7%.
You know, Benson,
something in all this reminds me
of when I was a kid and
Eleanor Roosevelt came to visit.
Sir...
Uh, she was the
President's wife, of course.
Do I have a wife? I'll check.
Oh, but, maybe I've
told you this already.
No. Oh, good.
Well, you see, my mother
was very active in the war effort,
sewing bed sheets
and one thing or another.
So, one day towards
the end of '42...
Well, now, this
could've been '43.
Well, it was the same year
that Count Fleet won the Derby.
Now that much I remember.
Sir, I think some of the
guests have already arrived.
What guests?
For the reception?
Oh, yeah, oh, thank
you. That's right.
Well, I'm sorry, Benson.
I'll just have to
finish this story later.
I'll be looking forward to it.
Benson, this really is a
wonderful thing you're doing.
How can I ever thank you?
There'll be a list on
your desk in the morning.
Now what else do I have to know?
You don't have time for that.
We have to get you out there.
Benson, I know you're
not crazy about doing this,
but it is for a
good cause. Yeah.
So just relax and don't
worry about anything.
I know you're
gonna do just fine.
Yeah. I hope.
And just remember, the fate of an
entire nation is riding on your shoulders.
Thanks, that takes
the pressure off.
So, the two of us boys never did get
rich by going down into that wishing well
and scooping up all the pennies.
See, the problem was, it
was not only dark down there...
Excuse me, Governor.
Hello, how are you?
Nice to see you. Excuse us.
Go ahead. What?
Introduce the President.
Oh, well, I will.
I was just waiting for somebody
to give me the go-ahead.
Go ahead.
Oh, fine. Then I'll go ahead.
Ladies and gentlemen,
if I could have your
attention, please, thank you.
Uh, as you know, we are
honored to have as a guest
a man with whom we've just completed
an extraordinary trade agreement.
A man who has
done so much to bring
stability to a troubled
part of the world,
which reminds me
of several stories.
The best of which concerns the time Eleanor
Roosevelt came to visit my family...
Go ahead!
Uh, so, without any further ado,
it gives me great
pleasure to introduce
the President of Zatmundey,
His Excellency, Hirum Ocassi.
(IN FAKE AFRICAN
ACCENT) Wonderful to see you.
So glad you came.
Thank you. Thank you
so much. Thank you.
As they say in my country,
hello.
You know, Mr. President,
you look different than
you do on television.
I do?
Yes, you look much younger.
(LAUGHING)
You must have been
watching old news.
You know, Governor,
this is a splendid affair.
Whoever runs this house
should get a big raise.
You sure of that?
There's something
wrong, isn't there? Uh-huh.
Is that my "uh-huh"
or his "uh-huh"?
Oh, you should see Benson.
Oh, then, he's doing all right.
All right? He's got everybody
completely fooled. Oh.
Then they are bigger
fools than he is.
Sir, there's a bit of
a problem. I knew it.
I could tell from the
"uh-huh." Uh-huh.
Evidently, there's a fourth
assassin and he's in the area.
What area?
The area of the living room.
How?
A guard saw someone
running across the lawn.
And he went to check
and found an open window.
A window! Well, I certainly
hope somebody's looking into it.
When I say, "I hope
somebody's looking into it..."
We know, Governor. We know.
What you're saying is somebody
out there is gonna try to kill him?
The Governor? No, Benson.
Oh, that's a relief.
Yes, we have concluded
an excellent trade
agreement with your country.
But do you intend
to apply a tariff?
Uh, I don't tare if I do
and I don't tare if I don't.
Mr. President, uh, how
do you find America?
I fly to Mexico and turn right.
No, no, no, no. I mean, sir...
I'd like to know,
do you like it here?
Oh, yes, I love it here.
Yes, it reminds me of home.
Well, what do you miss
most about your country?
The gross national
product, which is 7%,
and the rainfall, which
is 37 inches, you know.
Mr. President. Hello, Governor.
I must say, Mr. President,
you speak English very well.
Oh, thank you so
much, and so do you.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Say what?
I thought that meant "thank
you very much," in your language.
Well, it can mean that,
but the way you
have just phrased it,
it was an insult to my mother.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's okay. I'll let
it go this time.
Mr. President.
Hello, Governor.
Excuse me.
Benson, I don't
know how to say this,
but there's a man in here
who's going to try to kill you.
I hate to eat and run.
No, no, no, wait.
I'll hate myself in the morning.
No, you can't go. You wanna bet?
Caldwell said that the moment
you try to leave this room,
you're a dead man.
Well, in that case I
could stay a little longer.
Besides, we can't let the others
know there's anything wrong.
You don't think they'll
suspect something
when they see me face
down in the punch bowl?
Who's the killer?
Well, they're
trying to find out.
Tell them to look for the one
standing over my dead body.
Benson, be careful.
There's a thought.
(SCREAMS)
Hello. It's so wonderful
to see you again.
Mr. President, I'd like
you to meet Mr. Stevens.
Oh, Mr. Stevens, so
glad you could come.
Mr. Stevens is Director
of Marketing for...
(TRAY CLANGING)
So sorry. I dropped my napkin.
Uh-huh. Again "Uh-huh"?
Well? Who?
Oh, no. What? What?
We know who it is.
Well, then, go get him.
It's not that easy, sir.
It's Phillip Yates.
Oh.
You've heard of him then.
No.
A real slick operator,
tough to catch.
He's in the living room.
How tough could it be?
It's difficult to say.
Could you try?
Well, he uses a
lot of disguises.
Fact is, in crime circles
he's known as the man
of a thousand faces.
Wonderful, we have a
killer with a cute name.
We have reason to believe
Yates has done jobs as a rabbi,
a midget and once
as a Shetland pony.
I didn't see any
of those out there.
Of course, I wasn't
looking for the pony.
Governor, what he's saying
is that it could be anybody.
Of course, sooner or
later he'll tip his hand.
Good. How?
He'll try to kill Benson
and then we've got him.
I'm not sure Benson's
gonna like that plan.
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
No, thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen,
if we could have a little quiet.
At this time I would like to ask our
esteemed guest, President Ocassi,
to deliver to us any remarks
he feels are appropriate
on this auspicious occasion.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you President Ocassi.
Hello.
Excuse me.
Make the speech.
I forgot the speech.
Well, read it from the cards.
That's what I mean,
I forgot the cards.
Then make it up, come
on. I'll help you if you need it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I
give you President Ocassi.
(WHISPERING) Governor
Gatling and distinguished guests...
Governor Gatling and
distinguished guests...
in the short time that
I have been here...
in the short time that
I have been here...
we have discussed many
topics of mutual interest.
We have discussed many
topics of mutual interest.
The most important achievement
has been the agreement
for economic cooperation
between your country
and my country.
What?
Our most important achievement
has been the agreement
for economic cooperation between
your country and my country.
Our most important
achievement has been
the agreement for
economic cooperation
between your country
and my country.
Benson, what's going
on? You don't know?
Know what?
There's a hit man in
here trying to kill me.
What? We've got to
get you out of here.
No, no, no. We'd
never get to the door.
If you'd prefer I
didn't smoke, just ask.
Sorry.
We are so pleased
with the spirit of progress
that has marked
these proceedings
and has resulted
in this agreement.
As my countrymen would say,
when the leopard makes
a home in the tall grass,
cancel the picnic. Thank you.
All you have to do is sign the
documents and you're finished.
If I'm not finished before that.
Mr. President. Yes, yes.
Would you care to sit down? Yes.
I wouldn't sit too close to me.
Let's see. I sign here and
you sign here, is that right?
TAYLOR: That's correct. One copy
each and then you exchange them.
Oh, Governor, what
a wonderful surprise
to see the traditional cane
dance of my country here.
And they did it so
well, didn't they?
And that concludes our ceremony.
You've done a really great job.
Now if you'd just
care to slip out.
After what I've been
through, I deserve a party.
Be a dear boy and fetch me
a tumbler of Scotch, will you?
Oh, have we had the
pleasure of meeting?
We have? Oh, you'll
have to forgive me.
I'm not myself today.
All right, Yates, let's go.
And listen, thanks for
your cooperation on this.
It was not cooperation.
You were no help at all.
You sure it's safe to open
this thing? Of course, it is.
It's from President
Ocassi himself.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Solid ivory.
Oh!
Gretchen, I want
you to have this.
Oh, Benson, no, it
is lovely, but I cannot.
Yes, you can.
I want you to, please.
Well,
thank you, Benson.
Thank you. You saved my life.
Yeah, but this is
worth so much more.
NARRATOR: Benson is videotaped
before a studio audience.