Benson (1979–1986): Season 1, Episode 19 - Cold Storage - full transcript

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(DOG BARKING)

(RINGING)

Hello.

Well, what do you mean
you can't find them?

Eight bowls can't
just disappear.

Benson, hang up the phone.

I am going to kill you.

Kill me in a minute.
I'm on the phone.

Benson.

Well, keep looking.



They've got to
turn up somewhere.

I am not going
to stand for this.

You keep talking like that, Kraus,
and you won't be standing at all.

We have 200 people
coming to dinner tonight.

How can you change the menu?

By drawing a line through
the word, "chicken."

But the work is all done.

I have 200 tiny
chickens all ready to go.

Why don't you go with them?

Kraus, we can't serve
chicken to the Kurasian people.

It's their sacred bird.

Then they should love it.

They pray to it,
they don't eat it.

It says so in this book
on Kurasian customs.



Then why didn't you
tell me yesterday?

Because Taylor didn't bother to
give it to me until 10 minutes ago.

We'd better serve veal. Fine.

I will smash the chickens
flat and tell them it is veal.

Fine. I'll smash you flat
and say it was an accident.

Get your people
started on real veal.

I have 200 chickens.

What will I do with them?

Freeze them.

Oh, yes, and Kraus, the Kurasians
sent some wooden bowls over here

they use for some kind of
ceremony. Have you seen them?

Ja. I put them away with
all the other ugly stuff we get.

Well, where?

You want to know?
You got to ask me nicely.

Gretchen, sweetheart,

would you please tell
me where those bowls are,

while you're still able to talk?

That's more like it.

They're in the
cold storage room.

In the basement, right? Ja.

The old part.

Under the east wing.

Past the left corridor
leading to the main cellars.

Down the main steps
right where it's always been.

It'd be faster if I flew to
Kurasia and bought new bowls.

I'll get them myself.

All this work to do and he
sends me off on a fool's errand.

Don't say it!

Benson, do we have some
string I can tie this up with?

Yeah, there should be some
in that drawer right there, baby.

Don't you want to
know what's in it?

Not if it's alive.

It's a present for the
Emperor's daughter.

What'd you get her?

Well, I don't get
that much allowance.

So instead of buying something new,
you thought you'd give her a hand-me-down.

It's practically new.
Only one owner.

Mmm-hmm.

I found it in the den.
Nobody ever uses it.

Hmm, an ashtray.

How'd you know the
princess smokes cigars?

She does? No.

Besides somebody
gave this to your father.

Oh, well, it's hard to know
what to get a princess.

I'll try and find
something else.

Okay, but stay out of my room.

Taylor, I hope you
won't take this as criticism

but it just seems that this
welcoming speech is a little dry.

Well, what do you mean, sir?

He hates it.

It's just that I usually
open my remarks

with a few jokes.

Sir, this is an official ceremony
for the Emperor of Kurasia

not a roast for Don Rickles.

I know that but I'm sure the
Emperor would enjoy a good story.

Well, I wouldn't
count on it, sir.

The Kurasians are
very formal and solemn.

All right, I'll watch my step.

Good. I know these
people. I've been to Kurasia.

Oh, yeah, what's it like?

It's very green and lush

and everywhere
you look, chickens.

Talk about watching your step.

I'll see you later, sir.

Where are you going, Benson?

After a fool I sent
on a fool's errand.

Benson, make sure there
are no slip-ups tonight.

The Emperor's tour has
been arranged by Washington.

And they are very anxious to
develop strong ties with Kurasia.

It's a beautiful country.
They have a lot to offer.

Like 4% of the
world's oil reserves?

Sure. Why else would we
suck up to these barbarians?

BENSON: Miss Kraus! Kraus!

(MUMBLING)

You need a pack
mule to make this trip.

Kraus!

(KRAUS GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMS) Kraus,
what are you doing?

Oh, Benson! Oh, thank
God you found me!

Oh, you are so brave
und strong und intelligent

to come looking for me.

You Dummkopf! Idiot!

My God, are you fickle.

You let the door close.

I'll open it.

There's no handle.
Yes, there is.

Where?

Here!

Well, that's gonna make
it a little tougher to open.

It won't move. Right.

Is this the only door? Right.

You mean I'm
stuck here with you?

Right.

Why do you do this to me?

Now come over here
und give me a hand.

I'll come over there
and give you a foot.

(CLANGING)

What are you gonna
do, row us out of here?

Kraus, that's not gonna work.

Oh, now look what you've done.

You made me pull too hard.

Kraus, if we just
think about it a minute,

we'll come up with a
way to get out of here.

Just calm down.

Calm down, he says.

First you change the menu.

Then you send me
after some ugly bowls.

And thanks to your stupidity,
I am stuck down here.

I have 200 guests coming
und a million things to do,

so don't tell me to
calm down, you clown.

I have to get out of here!

You keep on babbling, woman, I'm
gonna get you out of here in a hurry,

right through the keyhole.

There is no keyhole.

Then it'll take a little longer.

I know you're not supposed
to leave the guard gate,

but if you could just look up

from your Guns & Ammo magazine

and just take a look and see

if Benson's car is
in the parking lot.

Thank you.

Marcy, run down,

make me three copies
of this right away.

Excuse me, Taylor.
I'm on the phone.

Yeah. Okay, thanks.

Benson's car is
still here. Fine.

Kraus and Benson take a walk

one hour before a
major diplomatic function.

Would you stop?

Suppose something
terrible's happened to them?

Well, that's the only
excuse I'll accept.

Three copies.

Marcy. Uh-huh?

I have a problem. You do?

If you were a princess,
what would you want?

Oh!

The wisdom to rule wisely,

the love of my people,

and enough money to
pay off all my charge cards.

Oh. Well, if you can think of
something I can fit in this shoebox,

just let me know. Okay.

Marcy, is there any word
on Benson and Miss Kraus?

No, sir.

Frankly, I'm getting
very worried about them.

Oh, now, Marcy,
I'm sure they have

some perfectly logical
reason for not being here

and for turning the
banquet into a disaster.

Do you have those
copies yet? No, not yet.

Marcy, could you come
in and take some dictation?

I'd like to add a little humor

to the speech that
Taylor wrote for me.

Yes, sir, I'll be right in.

I just have these
three copies to run off.

Oh, Taylor'd be happy to do
that for you, wouldn't you, Taylor?

Why are you doing that?

Are you talking to me?

No, I'm talking to
Howard Cosell at ringside.

Kraus, why are you doing that?

Because there might
be a secret passageway.

There might be a picture window,
too, but I wouldn't count on it.

Well, at least I am doing something
to try und get us out of here.

What are you doing?

Well, I was trying to find
something to keep us warm.

(SIGHING)

I am going, Benson.

Kraus, you've been
gone for a long time.

No, I mean it, Benson.

I'm getting out of here. Now.

Ouch.

Kraus, not even the Incredible
Hulk could knock that door down.

Come on. Come on.

They gotta know
we're missing by now.

It's just a matter of
time before they find us.

Or what's left of us.

Ach, it's bad
enough I have to die.

But to die here with
you, of all people.

(EXCLAIMING) Come
on. Come on. Come on.

Come on, let's go
for a walk. Why?

Why not, you got
something better to do?

Supposing they do not find us.

We have no food.

I'm not hungry.

Besides, we can go a
long time without food.

Sure, we can go without food,

until we starve to death.

We're not gonna starve to death.

You're right.

Long before we starve to death,

we will die of thirst.

What am I, a yo-yo?

Without question. Now, walk!

No more talk of dying of
thirst. It'll never happen.

How can you be so sure?

'Cause we're gonna
freeze to death.

You're just saying that
to try und cheer me up.

It's cold in here,
but it is not that cold.

Well, I hope you're right.

What are you talking
about? Nothing. Forget it.

Benson, if there's
something I should know,

give it to me straight.

I can take it.

Well, I don't know
what you call it,

but I saw it in Korea.

It's got something to do
with your body temperature

dropping even though
it isn't all that cold.

First you get
weak, then delirious

(RAZZING) and then it's over.

Way I figure it, we
got two, three hours.

So...

You seen any good movies lately?

Come on, Kraus, keep walking.

How can I keep walking?
I cannot feel my feet.

I can feel them. They
keep stepping on mine.

We have some matches,
why don't we start a fire?

I told you before,
we start a fire in here,

the smoke'll back
up and kill us.

Will you stop leaning on me?

I'm not leaning on you!

I'm trying to hold you up!

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Just a thought.

You know, Kraus, you're
actually in a very famous room.

Oh, don't give me that, Benson.

No, really, really.

George Washington wept here.

No, it's an actual fact.

And after spending two days
and two nights in this room,

in this very room,

Alexander Graham Bell
decided to invent the telephone.

(IMITATING PUNCHLINE MUSIC)

I know what you're
trying to do, Benson,

but please, just
let me sit down.

No, Kraus. Come on.
You gotta keep moving.

No, I can't, Benson.
Please just let me rest.

You gonna get back up?

Ja, I promise.

You know, Benson,

somehow I never thought
it would be like this.

All my life I have worked
hard und saved every penny

so that one day I
could start to live.

Funny, isn't it?

If you say so.

What do you think, Benson?

About what?

About dying.

I'm against it.

Come on, Kraus, let's walk.

I can't.

Come on. You promised. I lied.

So what are you
gonna do, kill me?

Come on, Gretchen,

it's the only way
we can stay warm.

No, there is another way.

What's that?

Sit.

(SIGHING)

Closer.

Doesn't thrill me,
either, Benson.

But it beats dying.

Just barely.

Yes, Sergeant, our
security people told me

that I should call you to report
that two people are missing.

Well, it's been about four
hours now, and I'm real...

What do you mean, they haven't
been missing long enough to be missing?

Twenty-four hours?

They could be back by then.

Thank you very
much for all your help.

Still no word on
Benson and Miss Kraus?

No, sir.

I thought it might
give us a clue

if we checked Benson's
appointment book.

Oh, good, what does he
have in there for today?

"6:00, brief staff on protocol.

"6:30, check parking
arrangements.

"6:45, general inspection.
7:00, prepare buffet table.

"7:30, check
security and guest list.

"7:45, uncork red wines.
8:00, guests arrive."

When Benson shows up,
remind me to give him a raise.

Sir, the guests are
starting to arrive.

Now, Taylor, there's
no need to get excited.

Governor, you don't realize
what is going on out there.

Nobody knows where
to hang their coats.

They're parking the
cars on the front lawn.

And they refuse to admit
the Kurasian Prime Minister,

because he isn't wearing shoes.

Evidently Benson didn't get a
chance to brief the staff on protocol.

Well, I'll just have
to do it myself.

Okay. He underlined
all the important parts.

I don't need that.

I've been there. I'm
practically a native.

Well, I wish you'd fill me in.

No problem, sir. Just a
few things to keep in mind.

Such as what? Such as,

when you're introduced
to the Emperor,

give him a low
bow from the waist.

Got it.

It says here a bow like
that means, I surrender.

Oh? When did they start that?

Three thousand years ago.

Taylor, I don't think I
can legally surrender

one of the united states
to a foreign country.

All right, forget the bow.

Taylor, just how long
were you in Kurasia?

A weekend. Pardon me?

Well, it was a
three day weekend.

Now, when you're at the table,

if you are sitting to the left

of the Emperor's
number two wife,

avoid eye contact with
all wives of a lower rank.

Or? "...or be prepared
to accept them as gifts."

You know, I had a similar offer
once at a lumberman's convention.

But I don't think
they were gifts.

Well, we better get out there
before we really offend the Emperor.

Oh, now, Taylor, don't panic.

We'll sit down out there.

We'll have a
little conversation.

Eat a little chicken.

Everything'll be fine.

Chicken!

I knew I'd hate
myself in the morning.

Gretchen. Don't go, Hans.

Come on, Gretchen,
wake up. You're delirious.

Deliriously happy,
you wonderful man.

Come on, Gretchen,
we gotta get moving.

There is no hurry, Hans.

Momma und Papa won't be home

from the beer garden
for another hour.

Come on, Kraus, let's walk.

Jack Frost is nipping
at your brain. Oh.

(EXCLAIMING)

Now, now, Hans, no
rough stuff. You promised.

Come along, Hans.
What are you doing?

Trying to check out this vent.
I can't tell if it's blocked or not.

What do you see?

My whole life flashing
before my eyes.

(GIGGLING)

Oh, Hans, you are so amusing.

Play something
for me on the tuba.

Now we can start this fire.

(GRUNTS)

Now, if the smoke
goes up the vent,

it's got to come out somewhere

and maybe somebody'll see it.

On the other hand, if
the vent's blocked off,

smoke'll back up
in here and kill us.

Kraus, we don't have much time.

What do you say? I do.

You're right. We'll take
a chance on the smoke.

(CLANGING)

Wait a minute, Hans.
Did you hear that?

You better hide. That
may be my parents.

Oh, God, I hope this vent works.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, a cozy room,

a warm fire, a handsome man.

What more could I ask for?

I don't know, but you
ain't getting it from me.

(COUGHING)

Come on, let's get out of here.

The place is filling
up with smoke.

Two hundred guests and
the Emperor of Kurasia,

and we have to evacuate
them to the front lawn?

I tell you, Marcy,
we're being sabotaged.

Will you stop with the sabotage?

Taylor, why are you so paranoid?

Marcy, even paranoids
have real enemies.

Since the mansion's on fire,

don't you think it would be
a good idea for us to leave?

In a minute. I'm just going
to draft my resignation.

Your resignation? What
are you talking about?

Marcy, this was a
major diplomatic event,

and we blew it.

Forget the oil.

Forget international
cooperation.

Forget the Emperor throwing
his chicken at the waiter.

Resigning is the only
honorable thing left to do.

It is the only way
that we can save face.

Taylor, would you come on? I'm
interested in saving more than my face.

Oh, here you are.

Listen, you better
come on outside.

Everybody's milling around
out there, enjoying the party.

This fire might be the best
thing that's happened all evening.

And the Emperor
just loves fire engines.

He's up on the top
of a hook and ladder

with a fireman's
helmet and slicker,

ringing the bell.

Come on. It's my turn next.

Thank you. You okay?

Yeah, fine.

Don't worry about your
friend. She's gonna be all right.

She never was before.

Oh, there they are.

GOVERNOR: Benson.
Miss Kraus. What happened?

It's a long story, sir.

They have discovered
our little hideaway, darling.

And not a very pretty one.

We were really worried about
you two just disappearing like that.

Yeah, you could have
ruined the whole banquet.

Of course, we were concerned
for your personal safety as well.

Since you were gone, Benson, we've
had a lot of excitement around here.

We even had a fire.

No kidding.

They made me an
honorary fireman.

It's okay, men, I
can take it from here.

Benson!

What are you doing
trying to slip your shoulder

under my head that way!

She lives.

Miss Kraus, are you all right?

Ja.

One day you'll look
back on this and laugh.

I doubt it.

It must have been a
miserable experience.

The worst of my entire life.

When you thought I was
Hans, you were crazy about me.

Who's Hans?

I don't know any Hans.

And I don't know
sugar from shellac.

There was nothing at
all between Hans und me.

On more than one occasion.

Oh, Benson, what
are you still doing up?

I got a lot to think about, sir.

I understand.

You had a real close call.

Well, let's put it this way,

you don't know how glad I was

to see you come
through that door.

You want to see
me do it again? No.

Katie figure out something
to give the princess?

Uh, yeah, a T-shirt that
says, "Keep on Trucking."

Princess gave
Katie a dozen eggs.

That sounds fair.

Benson, did you think
you were gonna make it?

Uh, Governor, I wasn't sure.

What went through your mind?

I thought about my
family, my friends,

things I've done,
things I haven't done.

Governor, do you realize how
many things I have left to do?

Well, I'll let you get started.

No, no, no, no. Not this minute.

Man...

Benson, here's to you.

To life, Governor.

NARRATOR: Benson is videotaped

before a studio audience.