Benson (1979–1986): Season 1, Episode 16 - Bugging the Governor - full transcript

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(DOG BARKING)

I wonder what is wrong
with the dogs' appetites.

They hardly touched their lunch.

Maybe the mailman was enough.

Benson, did Marcy leave a
number where she can be reached?

No, what's the problem?

I would prefer talking to Marcy.

Well, so would I,
but she's on vacation.

What do you need?

(SIGHS) I need help.



You've needed
help for a long time.

Go ahead, Benson. Dump
on me. That's what she did.

Who?

Betty Greene.

Betty Greene.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Real pretty.

About so high?

Red hair, blue
eyes, lot of lip gloss?

Unforgettable, wasn't she?

Especially with you flopping around
after her like a seal in mating season.

Well, that's my
style. I gotta be me.

Somebody has to.

Thanks a lot, Benson.

Oh, come on, Taylor. I've
taken my lumps. It happens.



But we were developing
such a beautiful relationship.

And now all of a sudden,
she won't return my calls.

I can't eat, I can't
sleep, I can't concentrate.

You sure can talk.

And, the worst
thing is that I...

I've been neglecting my duties.

You certainly aren't
making my duties any easier.

(EXCLAIMING)

Huh? Hmm. What's this?

Did you find your gum?

Well, what is it?

A bug!

KRAUS: A bug? Did you say a bug?

It's all right, Kraus. I got it.

God. You're right.

Now, how did that get in here?

Uh, maybe Kraus left
the screen door open.

KRAUS: I did not!

Let's look around, Taylor.
No telling how many got in.

Benson, do you realize
what this could mean to...

Why, there must be
mikes all over the house.

No, Mike's not
all over the house.

Mike's probably
outside in the garden.

Let's go see.

Ah, good idea.

But, uh, first, let me clarify

that joking reference I
made to neglecting my duties.

Actually, I'm turning
out more work than ever.

And that girl means
nothing to me.

What is he doing?

Uh, what am I doing?
I, um, tell her, Benson.

Uh, he bet me $10 that he
could lift this chair by one leg.

Good.

I'm in for $10, too, Taylor.

She's in for $10, too,
Taylor. This could be big.

(GROANING)

Nice try. Come
on, let's go outside.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'll catch you payday.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Uh-oh.

Must've really done
something wrong this time.

Oh, no, Katie, you
didn't do anything wrong.

Just that Lieutenant
Gordon here,

has found listening devices

in every room in the
mansion except your room.

And the little
bathroom downstairs.

Folks, we've got a real problem
here. I suggest we all sit down.

Benson, might as
well be comfortable.

That's why I'm standing, sir.

Can we begin?

Well, where's Miss Kraus?

Well, she went to the
market. I'll fill her in later.

First of all, let me say this
is a real professional job.

It's the best work
I've seen in years.

These guys are
real pros. The best.

Nice to know that some people
still take pride in their work.

Governor, these people aren't
writing Bibles on the head of a pin.

They're trying to find
something to use against you.

Benson, who are you, Columbo?

How do you know why
these people are recording us?

Gentlemen, I think
you're getting into my area.

I think I can clear this up.

Now, first of all, we don't know who
did it, we don't know how they did it,

and we don't know
why they did it.

Well, that certainly
clears that up.

Do you have any clues?

None whatsoever.

Any questions?

Yeah.

How'd you ever make lieutenant?

Sir, why don't we work at
your office down at the capitol

until this matter is
straightened out?

I'm afraid that's bugged, too.

Oh, I don't believe this.

You're strangling my Pooh Bear.

I'm sorry.

If you wanna stay in my room,
please don't abuse my toys.

You brute.

Please, we have
a real problem here

and we're trying
to find a solution.

There is a very
simple solution, sir.

Just yank all the
bugs out of here.

We could do that.
Well, then, let's do it.

Whatever you say, sir.

But if we tear them out, how are we gonna
trace it back to the guys that did it?

We can't. Then we
shouldn't tear them out.

We shouldn't.
Whatever you say, sir.

Lieutenant, do you
have an opinion?

Several.

Could you pick one?

What do you wanna know?

Anything.

Well, judging by the quality of the
work and the cost of the hardware,

we're dealing with a
big-time operation here.

You're talking your
omni-directionals,

you're talking your
wood panel implants,

you're talking
crystal-controlled.

You're talking gibberish.

Lieutenant, I think
what Benson means is,

what should we do?

You want the bottom line?

Are you getting
paid by the hour?

If you wanna catch
them, leave them in.

If you don't wanna be
bothered, take them out.

Sir, we have a
state to run here.

We discuss some
very sensitive issues.

There is no choice.
Just pull 'em out.

Governor, if you don't go
after these guys, who will?

There may be risks involved,

but you can't let 'em
get away with this.

I say we leave 'em
in and nail these guys.

All right, Lieutenant.
I think it's worth a try.

The bugs stay.

Governor, I think you
made a big mistake.

Yes, I think next
time I'll stand.

Just bear one
thing in mind, sir.

I understand you have
to watch what you say,

but if we're gonna
catch these guys,

you've got to speak
as you normally do.

"I love you."

You know, that's funny.

'Cause I was getting the
feeling you just didn't like me.

That's mine, Benson.

Oh, Katie, you have an admirer?

It's just some guy at
school. Nothing serious.

Well, it must be serious.
He wrote it in orange crayon.

Betty Greene used to send
notes on scented stationery.

Then one day they
just stopped coming.

I wanna thank you, sir,

for giving me this opportunity
to catch these guys.

I can't wait to meet the
person who's responsible

for this really
splendid piece of work.

Whose side is this guy on?

Hi, Benson. Feel like running?

More and more every day.

Come on. It'll only take a minute
to jog down to the rear gate.

Yeah, but it'll take you 20
minutes to carry me back up.

You go ahead
without me this time.

Okay.

But first I'm gonna kneel here
for a while and count my blessings.

Count your what? My blessings.

Benson, do you know how lucky
I am to be loved and cherished?

Sounds like Crayon
Man struck again.

I'm talking about someone else.

Benson, do you know
my father, the Governor?

Yes, we've met.

Doesn't he remind you of another
famous man who was tall and thin?

One of the great presidents?

Yeah, Millard Fillmore.

Come on. Abraham Lincoln.

My father's just
like Honest Abe.

Come on, Katie, I've got
work to do, sweetheart.

My father's the most honest
man in the world. Right.

He's kind and good, too. Right.

He's the best
father I've ever met.

Come on, Katie, it's time to go
outside and jog and run out of breath.

He's even better than
Harold Brady's father.

And he knows two
of the Bee Gees!

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Windows," done!

"Floors," done!

Supervise an incredibly
elaborate luncheon,

which, by the way, was
very successful, all done!

All done without you
lifting a finger, Kraus.

Oh, Benson, you have such
a wonderful sense of humor.

You're pretty funny
yourself, too, Kraus.

♪ Regrets, I've had a few

♪ But then again,
too few to mention

♪ I did what I had to do

♪ And saw it through without...

♪ Without exemption ♪

Taylor? Sir.

I'm gonna say it. Senator
Rheingold is a weasel.

Sir, I'm sure you didn't
mean what you just said.

Oh, no? You want
me to say it again?

Senator Rheingold...

(IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)

(IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)

Only the rich ones.

(IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)

Taylor, that song is
getting on my nerves.

You've gotta stop it.

Or learn the words.

Sir, let's go up
to Katie's room.

What for?

Maybe he wants
to play with her toys.

I think that we should
discuss upstairs...

Discuss what?

Discuss... (IMITATING
TRUMPET PLAYING)

Taylor, I'm tired of
worrying about what I say.

Governor, sir. We all
know what's going on here.

Governor. So let's lay
the cards on the table.

You're right, sir. You're
absolutely right. Benson.

Oh, don't worry
about it, Taylor.

There's nobody here.
Let's talk business.

What are you talking about?

Just like you said, Governor,

the money was waiting in the
alley behind the garbage cans.

There it is. A hundred
grand. All in new bills.

Your idea worked perfectly, sir.

Benson, that's
an outrageous lie!

The Governor said no such thing.

All right, Taylor.
It was your idea.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Knock, knock. Anybody in here?

It's okay. Come on in.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Who can that be?

TAYLOR: It's me.

Oh, Taylor, come on in.

All right, Benson, I'm waiting.

You go ahead. You
were in here first.

You know what I mean.

What was that all about
in the kitchen just now?

Are you out of your mind?

No, but the Governor's
on my foot. Benson...

(GRUNTING)

What you said out
there just wasn't true.

I know that, sir, but you were about to let
the buggers know what the buggees knew.

So I had to say something.

Well, couldn't you have
said something nice?

Taylor, these people want
a scandal. They just got it.

And we just got five years to
life. They'll think I'm corrupt.

I certainly hope so, sir. That
way we can smoke 'em out.

Oh, that's brilliant.
Just brilliant, Benson.

There's no need to yell, Taylor.

The acoustics in here
are really quite good.

Sorry.

Sir, this whole operation was
supposed to take two days,

and now it's taken two weeks.

Now, the strain is
showing on the entire staff.

If we're gonna get these guys,

we've gotta give 'em
something they can't ignore.

Well, they can't ignore what you
just said in the kitchen just now.

Oh, that's nothing. We
gotta do better than that.

Do you have an idea? Yeah.

He has an idea.

I've got an idea.

Let him go out there and tell
them that it was all his idea.

Can I use Marcy's typewriter?

Well, yeah, unless
she took it with her.

Can you call a staff
meeting in two hours?

I didn't know you
could type, Benson.

Make that three hours.

Benson, do you know where
we'll be if your plan doesn't work?

Right where we are.

Is that it? Oh, that's it.

All right. The
meeting is adjourned.

Let's get the hell out of here.

That's good. Thank
you very much.

Oh, excuse me.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

What can I do for you, Katie?

Have you seen my green pen?

What color is it?

It's... Oh, Benson!

No, I haven't seen it.
You doing your homework?

A Dear John letter.

Mr. Orange Crayon?

Be gentle.

It's not him, it's me.

I'm just not ready to make
that kind of commitment.

Besides, he's shorter than I am.

Well, then he's got
nowhere to go but up.

Hello, Liebchen. Hi.

Benson, what's all
this about a meeting?

What to you want? I
want you to speak up.

Ja?

But the rest of us have
something to say, too,

so only speak
when it's called for!

Understand?

Ja, I think so.

Benson... Taylor, quiet.

The Governor has
something to say. I do?

Yes, sir, and we
can't wait to hear it.

Benson... Taylor, you'll
get your chance to speak.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

You ready, sir?

Uh, I believe so.

Aloud?

Alouder, the better.

(SNEEZES)

Excuse me.

Gesundheit.

"I suppose you are all wondering

"why I have called
you all together."

"Right, boss."

We sure are. Right, Miss Kraus?

"Da!"

Da?

Ja! "Da."

Typo.

Yeah.

Well, she's got Type O blood.

Where does it say that?

On her dog tags.

You were saying, sir?

"We picked up the
hundred grand today."

"I can't wait until we get
our share of the money,

"Gretchen, my darling."

" Ja, Taylor, my sweet.

"Soon we will be
dancing the Samba in Rio.

"It is like a dream come
true, my little knockwurst."

"You are already my dream
come true, my furry little bunny."

Please, you two,

you are embarrassing
the Governor,

not to mention yourselves.

"Let's get on with this. Pause.

"Taylor has come
up with a great idea."

"We can use some of the money to
buy certain members of the State Senate."

"And those we
can't buy, we'll rent."

"Then the senators
will get the state

"to purchase that swamp
we own in Midville County."

"For $3,000,000."

"Taylor, where are you going?"

"To put the hundred grand
into brown paper bags."

That is my plan, isn't it?

"Wait. I will go with
you, strudel-face."

"There they go, Benson.

"Don't they make a
wonderful couple?"

The question is, a
wonderful couple of what?

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Come in.

GOVERNOR: Are you sure? Come in.

Oh, Benson, then it was
you who sent the note.

Who'd you think it was?

John.

John? Yeah.

Here, it said,

"Meet me downstairs,"
something, "John."

"In the."

In the? In the john.

Oh!

Good. Because I was about
to give up looking for him.

Looking for who? John.

But there is no John.

Whatever you say, Benson.

Uh, Governor,

I think the guy who's been
bugging us is in the waiting room.

What makes you think so?

Well, I was standing
talking to Taylor,

and this guy whom
I've never seen before,

comes up to me and
says "Hi, Benson."

Well, that is your name.

Of course that's my
name. I know that.

The question is,
how did he know that.

He must have
recognized my voice.

(EXCLAIMING) Hey?

Oh, well, we'd better
get ready for him.

Yeah, that's right. Excuse me.

Are you coming?

Yeah, I'll be along in a minute.

Relax.

Okay, you can come in now.

Governor, this is
Mr. Walter Harwell.

Mr. Harwell.

Well, I feel as though I
know you already, sir. Oh?

Well, it's just that I've
heard so much about you.

All good, I hope.

Benson, Mr. Harwell would
like to talk to the Governor.

So, if you don't
mind... No, I don't mind.

Benson... No, no, no,
no. That... That's all right.

I think you will all be
amused by what I have in here.

What is it? A puppet?

Hardly.

Mr. Harwell, what
can I do for you?

Well, for starters,
my clients want you

to call off that
loan-sharking investigation,

appoint a judge or two,

and grant certain contracts to a
construction firm that they own.

When I say what
can I do for you,

I don't mean what
can I do for you literally.

Ah, but I do.

And I'm gonna get a lot more.

Are you ever.

Harwell, what are
you talking about?

I'm talking about what you've been
talking about for the past few weeks.

This place is wired for sound.

I've heard every word you said.

(GASPS)

And I have it all here on tape.

In other words, you're
trying to blackmail us.

Well, I would
prefer to think of it

as giving you an incentive
to cooperate with me.

Mr. Harwell, I think
I've heard enough.

I think I've heard enough.

Have you heard
enough? Got it all.

What is this?

It ain't the St.
Patrick's Day parade.

Real pleasure to finally
meet you in person.

You know, I'm one of your
biggest fans. I just love your work.

Maybe he'll autograph
his mug shot for you.

I hope you'll stay in jail.

Yes, well, if I go back
you're coming with me.

This tape has everything
you've said, word for word.

Oh, don't bother. We
got plenty of copies.

And we sent one to the
Attorney General. Wait a minute.

That meeting yesterday,
you made that all up.

Everything. Except the
stuff about Taylor and Kraus.

Lieutenant,

I want you to find
out how that man

got past our security
to install those bugs.

Well, I don't think
it was him, sir.

You see, he's got a partner

whose specialty
is getting inside.

Well, I hope you catch him.

Don't worry, sir, we'll get her.

Oh, you mean it's a her?

Yes, sir, and real pretty, too.

See, she usually manages to make
friends with some flunky on the inside.

Ends up getting
the run of the place.

Yeah?

She's about so high? Yeah.

Red hair, blue
eyes, lot of lip gloss?

Yeah, have you seen her? No.

Taylor, have you seen anybody
like that around here lately?

Lieutenant, I don't want to
take up any more of your time.

I'll be in touch with you later.

I want a thorough
investigation, Lieutenant.

I want this woman found.

Well, well, well.

What do you know about that?

Nothing that I'd
care to discuss.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

She used you and
then she disappeared.

Well, I guess she'll
be going to jail.

Well, I wouldn't
worry about it, Taylor.

Now that you and Kraus got
something going, who knows?

A couple of years,
you all will be married.

Benson, guess what I
have behind my back.

Give me a hint.

It's something you write with.

Typewriter.

It's your pen. Thanks
for letting me borrow it.

You're welcome.

Did you get that Dear John
letter off to Crayon Man?

Yeah. It was the toughest
letter I ever had to write.

How'd he take it?

He could have taken it harder.

He lived, huh?

I found out he sent
love notes to all the girls.

He wasn't taking any chances.

That's what he thinks.

Don't bother to look under there,
Katie. They took out all the bugs.

Well, you never know,
they found so many.

In the lamps, under
tables, hidden in walls.

I know somebody
they could have hired

and saved themselves
a lot of money.

KRAUS: I hear you!

I'd like to hide her in a wall.

KRAUS: I heard that, too!

How does she do that?

NARRATOR: Benson is videotaped

before a studio audience.