Benidorm (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript

Oh, I think it's lovely.

Did you ever think you'd be a father
at your age?

It's not me who's the father, it's Troy.

I've heard of this gay adoption.

But what I can't work out is,
when you get the baby,

how do you know it's gay?

I've not adopted a baby.
I've got a grown-up son. He's 21.

Oh, heck! Oh, it's amazing
what they can do these days, isn't it?

She thinks you made him
out of sticky back plastic.

Sorry about that.
Had to nip across the road.

A celebration like this
calls for champagne.



(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, come on, now.
You shouldn't have done...

that.

Oh, I love champagne.

Be careful, now,
we don't want it to go everywhere.

Don't think there's much chance of that.

Oh!

There we are.

Oh, thank you, Donald.

ALL: Cheers!

JACQUELINE: Congratulations.

- They're having champagne.
- Are they?

That Donald's just brought it in.

(YAWNING) Oh, right?



What's he got champagne for?

No idea.

Do you think he's won something?

Wouldn't be surprised, jammy sod.

I can't see properly.
What do you think he's won?

Nosey parker of the year.

I think you should go over there and
tell him he should have come second.

I'm not being nosey. I'm just curious.

Aye, what are you two doing?

Bloody hell! I don't remember
calling Ghostbusters, do you?

Very amusing.

Madge and I need a word.

What about?

We need to tell you something.

Janey, please, give me one more chance.

No, I told you, you're sacked.

Please, I have explained.
I was in bed all night with a fever.

Oh, I'm sure you were in bed all night.

But not how you think.

I swear to you, the reason I didn't
go to work last night

was because I was not well.
Janey, please, I need this job.

Oh, shit. I'll get changed.

Eh? I didn't say yes yet!

Thanks so much for coming, Kate.
Shame we can't fly back together.

Well, you have your
return ticket paid for.

It would be insane to buy another one.

I can't buy another one
'cause I don't have that kind of money.

Well, that's sorted, then.

Oh, God, I almost forgot.
I got you something.

- Martin, I have to go.
- Wait there, one minute.

- You ordered a taxi for the airport?
- Yes.

- It's outside.
- Thank you.

Right, what's going on?

Well, as you both know,
I came back to Benidorm

with the idea of setting up
some kind of business.

Now, I'm sure you'll be
the first to point out

that, so far, none of my efforts
has been a complete success.

Well, apart from
the bacon factory in Israel,

there's not a lot left for you to do.

So I've decided to think big.

Very brave,
for a man 4" 8" in Cuban heels.

Can we just listen
to what he's got to say?

Instead of setting up my own venture,

I've decided to buy an established
business here in Benidorm.

Can't tell you what it is yet
before I've sealed the deal,

but we want you to know
that Madge and I are relocating.

Relocating where?

We're buying a business in Benidorm.

Where do you think
we're relocating to? Skegness?

I don't understand.

For crying out loud,
what's there to understand?

Me and Mel are buying a business
and we're staying in Benidorm.

- For how long?
- Permanently.

You can't just not come home.
We need to discuss it.

Why do we need to discuss it?
What's it got to do with you?

Oh, hello, son,
have you had any breakfast?

- What do you think you're doing?
- What do you mean?

I've only just been let out of
the police station.

I know.
I was going to pop by this morning

but I thought it'd make more sense
to get us two sunbeds.

I just spent the night
in the Spanish cells

and the best thing you can do to help me
is reserve me a sunbed?

Well, I didn't think
they'd be keeping you much longer.

I mean, you didn't really do anything,
did you?

I spent 36 hours banged up
for wasting police time, thanks to you.

Do you want a Cornetto?

I know it's only early,
but I've just had one.

(MIMICKING) Do I want a Cornetto?

No, I don't want!
I don't want anything from you!

That's me and you finished.
Do you understand?

What about a Strawberry Mivvi?
You like them.

That's like an ice-cream
and an ice lolly in one, ain't it?

Are you not listening to me?

It's over.
I'm moving out when we get back.

Moving out? Where to? Where will you go?

As far away from you as possible.

What about an Ice pop?
There's no calories in an Ice... pop.

All I'm saying is,
it's just a bit sudden.

Maybe you should come home for
a couple of weeks and think about it.

Can I live in Spain with you, nana?

What's the UK got to offer us?

Bad weather, the credit crunch
and miserable people.

Why didn't you talk to us?

Hey, look on the bright side.

If they do stay here, that's
two less miserable people in the UK.

What business have you bought?

I'm sorry, Janice, we can't discuss that
before the papers have been signed.

In fact, we're just off to do that now.

I'll tell you what, Mick'll go with you

and I'll stay here
and talk to me mother.

I'm not staying here.
I'm going with Mel.

Well, we'll all go.
It'll be a nice day out.

If you think I'm spending
the last days of me holiday

chasing round after Donald
and Ivana Trump, you can piss off.

In fact, I do need you
to come with us, Mick.

There are a few things
I need to discuss with you.

Forget it. There's a pool through there
with my name on it.

Well, I do have to hand over
the UK sunbed shops to someone.

Come on, you lot. These papers aren't
going to sign themselves, are they?

Hi, there. How's it going?

Hola.

Wink McAndrew.

What?

Wink McAndrew.

I don't know what that means.

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) No, man.
That's my name. Wink McAndrew.

Are you speaking English?

'Course I'm speaking English,
you numpty!

I should have arrived on the coach
but there was a problem with my flight.

I'm sorry,
this just sounds like a noise to me.

You've got to be joking me.

You've never had a Glaswegian
booked in?

Still just a noise.

(GRUNTING)

You all right, pal?

(GRUNTING)

What's...

You're a wee bit jumpy, lad.

You sure you're okay?

Look, I'll tell you what.
I'll check in later, eh?

I could do with a drink now, anyway.
No hard feelings, eh?

MATEO: Mmm.

(BUZZING)

Gets 'em every time! I love it!

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

So, Troy having a son must have come
as a bit of a shock to you, Gavin?

Yes, you could safely say my gob
has never been more smacked.

So, has your son got a boyfriend?

He's got a girlfriend. He's straight.

Oh, I am sorry.

Still, it's a free country.
I say, live and let live.

Donald Stewart!

As I live and breathe!

I don't believe it.

Wink McAndrew!
What on earth are you doing here?

Sun, sea, sangria and...
Oh, hello there...

You must be Donald's better half.

Wink, this is my wife Jacqueline.

Jacqueline, this is an old friend
of mine, Wink McAndrew.

Delighted, I'm sure.

My God, Stewpot,
you always did get the stunners.

And these are our friends,
Gavin and Troy.

Good to know you, boy!

(BUZZING)

Gets 'em every time! It's homemade.

150 volts, cannae buy them in the shops.

God, it must be, what, 20 years?

And the rest.
Still, you don't look a day over 70.

Are you still in ladies underwear?

No, no, I haven't had the market stall
for a few years now.

I run an online joke shop now.
Never a dull moment!

That's a matter of opinion.

Right, same again, I assume?

Uh, before that, though,
it's been a long flight,

so I'd better give Mr Squawk some air.

(SQUAWKING)

What's that, Mr Squawk?

You've had a long flight
and you're feeling a wee bit peckish?

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

I think you got more than
a mouthful there, Mr Squawk, eh?

You're a naughty bird! A naughty bird!

(LAUGHING)

Right, drinks!
You're a naughty bird, Mr Squawk.

I'll give you a hand!

Fasten your seatbelts, boys.
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Mother, you look ridiculous
sitting back there.

Anybody would think you couldn't walk.

I couldn't care less what people think.

MICK: Could've at least
blacked out the windows.

MEL: It's a mobile showroom.

MICK: what's the point of a mobile
showroom when you haven't got a shop?

Honestly!

This is embarrassing.
We should have rented a car.

I've had it made, so we're using it.

(SIGHS) Where are we going, anyway?

I've told you, to sign the papers
for a new business.

Which is what?

All right, so long as you keep it
under your sombrero till we get there.

I don't think there's going to be
many rival entrepreneurs

hanging around at the traffic lights.

Come on, Inch High, Private Eye,
spill the beans.

See that there?

MICK: Yeah, the Benidorm Palace.
What about it?

I'm buying it.

- You're buying that?
- Certainly am.

Holy moley!

JANICE: Tell you what, why don't we both
come back home for a week,

we'll weigh up the pros and cons
and we'll really make sure

staying in Spain
is the right thing for you.

How many times do you need telling?
We're staying here.

But what about your house?
You've got two cats.

Mary next door said she'd feed them.

She said she'd feed them for a week.

You can get rid of cats easy.

Your father was forever down the canal
with a bag of kittens.

Do you know, I do regret not spending
more time with your dad before he died.

He sounds lovely.

Can you lot all pick your feet up?

This fella ia a mayor,
not the kind of man

who likes to be kept waiting, I imagine.

Now, according to this,
we're only a few streets away.

Mel, what if we find a bar or a café
and just have a chat about all this?

You're joking. It's a bloody ghost town.

I don't think they have people here,
never mind a café.

Well, lucky we weren't here on Friday.

They were having a re-enactment of the
battle of the Moors and the Christians.

You wouldn't have been able
to get down these streets.

(DRUMS BEATING)

What day is it today?

I sometimes wonder
if life really is worth living.

Right. I don't mean to be rude,
but I'm pretty depressed as it is.

I'm not sure I want this conversation.

- Oh, did I...

- say that out loud?
- Yes.

Do you know,
I've never had a girlfriend?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Not a proper one.

Richard Burton said,

"Unless you love someone,
nothing much makes sense."

I suppose he would have known.

- What happened with your missus?
- Sorry?

She was here yesterday.
Has she gone home again?

Yeah. Just came to lend me some money
and help me get a new passport.

She came all the way out here
to do that?

Yeah, she did.

Bloody hell,
you don't get many like that.

No, you don't.

Are you going to the bar?
I'll come with you.

No. I'm going to the airport.

(SCREAMING)

He might have Asperger's.
Jo at work, she thinks her son's got it.

(GROANS)

It's so ridiculous,
these elaborate names

they give for so-called "illnesses"
these days.

He is an annoying twat.

(WINK LAUGHING)

Jo's son is an annoying twat.

Winker Watson,
or whatever his name is,

is a slightly larger annoying twat.

Diagnosis complete.
Who are you texting?

Jamie. He's got some time off work.

Him and the girlfriend are thinking of
having a couple of days away somewhere.

I'm just giving him some suggestions.

- What about...
- What?

Well, this holiday was free.

Yeah?

No, it's a bad idea.

What, to come here?

Well, not exactly.

I've always wanted us to spend
a few days in Alicante.

Can't afford it.

No, you're right. We can't afford it.

Hi, is Jamie there, please?

It's...

It's his dad.

So, are you here on your own?

Aye, my wife died in 2001.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

You'd think rewiring a satellite dish
would be a straightforward job.

No.

Oh, dear.

And the worst part about it
was all the accusations.

What accusations?

Oh, you know, "You forced her up there.
You never liked her.

"You must have realised she was still on
the roof when you took away the ladder.”

So, Wink, that's an unusual name.

(LAUGHING)

It's not my real name.
No, no, it's a nickname.

See, when I was a wee boy,
I had a rather unfortunate facial tic.

People thought I was winking at them.

But it was only a slight spasm
round the eye,

which disappeared when I got older.

But for some reason, the name stuck.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, I see. Like that.

Like what?

You just did it.

Did what?

(GRUNTING)

You just did it again.

Did what again?

- Hiya, love.
- Hiya.

Here we go. This should keep us going
till this evening.

Ah, that's the stuff, big man.

I'll get torn into one of them,
then I'd better go and check in...

No mustard, no?

Absolutely. I'll just get it.
Back in a tick.

(GRUNTING)

- Just seen your mam outside.
- Have you?

Yeah. She said you've had an argument.

If you've come here
to have a go at me, then...

I haven't come to have a go at you.
Chill out.

Your mam's nice enough, but I can see
how she'd do your head in after a bit.

You can say that again.

You probably just need a bit of space.

Yeah, well, she can have
all the space she likes.

I'm moving out when I get back.

Hmm. Wish I could move out.

No chance of me getting a place
on me own, though.

And I wouldn't want to share
with someone I didn't know.

Who would you want to share with?

I don't know. Not that fussed.

Somebody I get on with,
somebody I can trust.

Somebody who likes kids.

- What are you grinning at?
- Nothing.

I'm gonna go get a drink.
Do you want one?

Yeah, I'd love one.

Will you keep an eye on me son?

Definitely.

I love kids, me.

What?

Nothing.

What do you reckon?

Do you think it'd work out?

Keep moving forward.

How are we supposed to manage that?

Mother, where are yer?

- MADGE: I'm over here!
- Where?

Put your foot down, princess.
We'll soon scatter 'em.

(SCREAMING)
Will you get out of me frigging way?

(INAUDIBLE)

That's it.
That's the building, at the top.

(GRUNTING IN PAIN)

Come on, hurry up. We're late as it is.

I can't get forward! Hang on!
Wait for me!

Help!

- Are you serious?
- Why not?

- Dunno.
- What don't you know?

Well, if it'd work.
We hardly know each other.

There's one way to find out.

Well, it might be a bit weird.

Why?

-'Cause.
-'Cause what?

Just flatmates, yeah?

Whatever you want.

You'll probably change your mind
when we get back home.

I doubt it.

I know a good thing when I see it.

Oh, there you are.

I won't disturb you.

I just wanted to make sure
you're all right.

Think it's time we got some dinner,
isn't it?

You two get something.

I don't want to get on your nerves
any more than I have done, son.

Come on, let's all go.
We can tell you about an idea we've had.

Oh, I do hope you two have decided
to have another go.

I can't tell you how disappointed he was
when the last girl he went out with

turned out to be a fella.

Oh, sorry, sorry!
I'm going to squeeze by, sorry.

Sorry. Sorry, love.

- Who are we waiting to see?
- We're in the mayor's office.

Who do you think we're waiting to see,
Father bloody Christmas?

Well, I don't know.

Is the mayor the owner
of the Benidorm Palace?

No, I went to see them this morning.

I have to have some papers
signed by the mayor

to say the deal can go through.

Oh, right.

Well, thanks for bloody waiting for me.

(SHUSHING)

Sit down, will you?
Don't need you to mess this up.

No, I'm sure you'll do that very well
on your own.

Were you okay, Dad?
Did you have to fight the soldiers?

- Yeah, it were right exciting.
- Whoa.

Who have you been fighting?
You couldn't fight for breath.

Listen, I've had just about enough
of you for one day.

(SHUSHING)

Sorry!

Knew I should have come on me own.
If you balls this up for me...

Smell Hardly?

Mel Harvey.

Ah, yes.
The deputy mayor will see you now.

Deputy mayor?
Thought you had to see the mayor.

Oh, they're fobbing you off already.

Shut up.

Right, you lot stay here.

Where do you think you're going?

You might need backup.

Backup?

What do you think it is,
Starsky and Hutch?

(MICHAEL LAUGHING)

Sí, sí, sí..

Sí, sí.

Right, leave this to me.

They can be very temperamental,
them Mediterraneans.

His English is probably very bad.

It'll only confuse him
if more than one of us speaks.

Sí, sí, sí.. Vale.

Adiós.

(SIGHING)

I'm sorry about that.

Some dickhead has dumped a 20-foot high
motorbike outside my caravan

almost a week ago.

And the council
are refusing to shift it.

Honestly, if you try and get anything
done round here,

it's like waiting for bloody Godot.

Right, how can I help you?

Kate!

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Sorry. Sorry, I wasn't expecting that.

I mean,
I thought you were somebody else.

Kate! Kate.

- What are you doing here?
- I need to speak to you.

My plane leaves in 20 minutes.

Please, this won't take long.

I really have to go.
I can't miss this flight.

Please, just hear me out.

Kate, I want us to try again.

- Martin...
- No, let me finish.

I know it won't be easy

and I'm not suggesting
I should move back in straight away.

I just think
if we give each other some space

and take it one day at a time...

Martin, I'm seeing somebody.

What, a psychiatrist?

Beg your pardon?

Sorry, what... What do you mean?

I mean, I'm seeing somebody else.

- What, you mean a man?
- Yes. A man.

You didn't think I'm into women,
did you?

No, no, I'm... You're seeing a man?

Yes. I tried to tell you
yesterday, but...

Well, I didn't seem to find
the right moment.

But I don't understand.
Why did you come all the way out here?

Because you needed my help.

And I still care for you.

- You care for me?
- Of course.

That's where it ends?

That's where it ends.

Wish it had been a woman.

At least then it would have been
a bit... sexy.

Martin, I have to go.

- Martin?
- I love you, Kate.

I'm sorry.

I suppose we could always move out here.

Be a shame for you
not to see Michael grow up.

(BLOWS)

I could get a little job out here.

What could you do out here?

I'm not sure.

Maybe I could get a little job
working for somebody I know.

How on earth would you do that?
You don't know anybody here.

Well, I'm sorry about this, fellas.
I know it's here somewhere.

I mean, you can't hear yourself think

with all that silly bollocks going on!

(CROWD CHANTING)

It's a re-enactment of the battle

between the Moors
and the Christians, isn't it?

Oh, I haven't a clue.

They have festivals for looking left
and looking right here.

It's my brother-in-law who's the mayor.

I'm just filling in while he's out there
with them silly buggers,

knocking seven bells of shite
out of each other.

Now, let's have a look at this.
Yes! Now, this is the one.

Now, if I sign this,
I need you to do a favour for me.

No problem. My father used to hold
a position in local government.

I know how things work. Name me a price.

Oh, put your money away,
you silly bugger.

I need you to help me get rid of this
bloody bike from outside my house.

Oh, right.

Now, you won't believe this but
they drove up on this ridiculous bike

outside my caravan. Jumped off it,
went straight through the roof.

- Get away.
- I'm serious.

Then they busted the lock
on me front door to get out.

It's gonna cost me about,
oh, 800 euros to get everything fixed.

What are people like these days?

Probably kids.

No, I don't think it's kids.
There was a sign on the bike.

Probably just random advertising.

I doubt it had anything to do
with the owners of the bike.

Oh, it was from one of those
mobility scooter shops on the beach.

There was a picture of
a little gnome on it.

A gnome?

(SNICKERING)

I mean, uh... A gnome? Oh.

That's unusual

I went down to the shop.
It was all burnt out.

Honestly, the number of clowns who come
over here trying to set up businesses,

they don't know their arse
from their elbow.

There we are.

Now, that's for you.

Let's go.

(HORN HONKING)

(CONTINUES HONKING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

MICK: Careful, you nearly
knocked that one over.

MEL: Shut up. I know what I'm doing.

(CHANTING)

Hmm, that's a big bugger, ain't it?

We might have to come back
later in the week

with a tow rope, if that's all right?

Oh, yeah. No problem.

You know where I am now.

All right, see you later.

- And don't forget.
- We won't.

All the best.

(MICK CHATTERING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(CUANDO, CUANDO, CUANDO PLAYING)

# Tell me, when will you be mine?

# Tell me, cuando, cuando, cuando

I wouldn't have been able
to sleep tonight

if I'd left you moping around
on your own.

I'm really okay.

I told her to leave you alone
but she were having none of it.

My husband always said,
a trouble halved is a problem shelved.

I mean, a trouble shelved
is a problem halved.

No, that's not right.

Well, anyway, he also said

a bird with one hand
is worth two in your bush.

And I think it's at times like this,
it's worth keeping that in mind.

# Every day seems a lifetime #

So, is there any chance you might
sort it out when you get back home?

No, I think it's pretty much
beyond that.

Well, you say that, but you never know.

I mean, look at Charles and Diana.

Have you got him settled?

Yeah, he was off before we got there.

Aw, you're gonna miss that créche,
aren't you?

Well, don't worry. Baby Coolio's always
got his grandma to look after him.

Yeah.

Um, I wanted to talk to you
about something.

I'm thinking of moving out.

You what?

Where are you going?

I'm just thinking about it.

That's right, bugger off and leave
your mother, right when she needs you.

You're one to talk.

When did all this
come about, sweetheart?

Oh, no. I know what she's up to.
She wants to come here and live with us.

- As if!
- Well, you can frig off.

Two's company, three's a crowd,
not to mention that child of yours.

I can probably sort you out
with a little flat somewhere, darling.

Where do you want to go?

Mam, are you all right?

Bloody hell, Janice, what's wrong?

Why is everybody leaving me?
What have I done to you all?

Hey, nobody's leaving you.
Don't be daft.

I want you to be happy, mother,

but it's just ridiculous,
you not coming home again.

What about all the things in your house?
You haven't thought it through.

I've told you, you can take
what you want from the house.

The Council will dump the rest
when they get the house back.

I don't want anything from your house.
I just want you.

Christ knows why.

Don't ask me to explain it
but I just don't want you to go.

Well, it's not my fault
you've got no friends.

All right, that's enough.

Come on, Jan,
we'll go for a drink in the other bar.

I don't want to go for a drink
in the other bar.

I'll be all right.

I'm not going right away.
I was just thinking about it.

You should do what you want, sweetheart.
You're a grown woman now.

I sometimes forget.

I didn't mean to upset you.

You didn't upset me, darling.

You've got your own life now.

I was just being selfish.

Oh, the penny drops.

Madge!

You know I'll help you
any way I can, sweetheart.

But believe me, there's nobody can
look after a daughter like a mother can.

(SCOFFS) Is that right?

Back in a minute.

- Can I have a word?
- Yeah, sure.

What was it all about?

I don't know. I couldn't hear.

Well, you're closer than me.

I know, but it's difficult to eavesdrop
on a conversation

when the person next to you
keeps saying, "What are they saying?

"What are they saying?
What are they saying?"

- How are you, boys?
- How are you? You all right?

Never better.
You ready for a fun-filled evening?

It's gonna be a hilarious night tonight,
I can tell you that.

Oh, really? why's that?
Are you leaving?

- Eh?
- Nothing.

Oh, I think someone's waving at you.

Ah! Come over and join us later.

I'd rather die!

T-T-F-N!

F-U-C-K-U!

Hey! I've been looking
everywhere for you.

Oh, I'm awfully flattered,
but you're not really my type.

I have many complaints about you.

About me? You must have the wrong chap.

- Can you understand him?
- I can.

Tell him I have complaints
about the man in the dress

who keeps showing his pee-pee
to other guests.

I beg your pardon? How dare you?

You know, that kind of accusation
can land you in a lot of trouble.

No, he's quite right.

There you are, you see?
You've got the wrong...

I beg your pardon?

It's only a bit of fun.

Right, um...

I think maybe you should be careful,
Wink, my old pal.

As you know, Jacqueline and I
are very broad-minded.

But these Latin types are not
as free and easy as you might think.

They can get quite hot under the collar
about this kind of thing.

Is, uh, this the offending article?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Put it away! Put it away!

Did you see that?

Very funny. But one more complaint,
and I'll have to remove you.

Oh, it's very easily removed.

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

I have my eye on you.

Oh, come on! It's only a joke, pal, eh?

No hard feelings, eh? Please.

Oh, come on.

(BUZZING)

(MATEO SHOUTS)

I can't remember when I had so much fun.

Right, drinks!

(GRUNTING)

Jacqueline, is something wrong?

- It's him.
- Who, Wink?

- Yeah.
- What about him?

He's been giving me the willies.

Oh, you kept that quiet. Where was I?

No, I mean, he frightens me.

Why on earth would he do that?

Oh, I don't know.
It's just something about him.

Did you know about his wife?

Carol? Yes, of course.

There's nothing sinister
about her death.

It was proven in court,
there's no way he could have known

that those mushrooms were poisonous.

This was the '70s.
People didn't know about these things.

But he said his wife died in 2001

from falling off the roof
after he'd moved the ladders.

Oh, it must be a different wife.

There you go, big man.

Same again, with an added wee kick
from your old pal Wink.

Don't be asking me what it is, though.

I could tell you
but then I'd have to kill you.

(WINK LAUGHING)

I'm not backing out.

I just think I'd better wait a bit

while me nana and her husband
settle over here.

Well, I'm in no rush.

It's probably better to give me mam
a bit more notice, as well.

Hmm.

So...

Maybe, I don't know, a couple of months?
Maybe three?

Three months, six months, whatever.

Some good things are worth waiting for.

What do you mean, sharing a flat?

I mean you.

I'd better get back.

You coming?

I'll be there in a minute.

Okay. You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

All right. See you later.

Yep. See you in a bit.

Let's give him a big hand,
ladies and gentlemen.

The boy from nowhere,
Shaun Foster-Conley.

Okay, cracking straight on
with the karaoke,

first cab off the rank
is Wank McAndrews.

That can't be right
Terrible handwriting.

Singing The Proclaimers,
I Would Walk 500 Miles,

let's hear it for him.

(LAUGHING)

Who's this knobhead?

That's the bloke
I complained about earlier,

waving his bits around in reception.

Thought it looked too big to be real.

Looks about average.

(I'M GONNA BE (500 MILES) PLAYING)

# When I wake up... #

(SCREAMING)

Cut the music! Cut the music!
Mateo, get up here!

(JANEY GASPING)

Cover him up.

Hey, hey, crazy man.

Esta muerto.

- He's dead.
- Dead?

He can't be dead.
He only touched the mike stand.

Maybe he isn't dead,
but he definitely is not allve.

It's probably for the best.

Get him out of here.

Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.
Slight technical hitch there.

He's, uh... He's perfectly all right.

Just a minor problem,
static electricity,

his nylon penis
brushed against the mike stand,

and gave him a bit of a belt.

(JANEY STAMMERING)

Right, um... What's up...

Oh, yes, we have our old friends,
Madge and Mel Harvey.

Let's give them a big hand.

Uh, just before we sing, there's
a small announcement I'd like to make.

I want to thank all who attended
the opening of Mel's Mobility Shop.

It was a memorable occasion.
I'm sure you'll all agree.

But I'm a great believer in signs

and I think that place
burning to the ground was a sign

that the mobility business
wasn't for me.

But I'm pleased to announce
my latest business venture.

Every princess deserves a palace

and that's why I bought Madge
her very own.

The Benidorm Palace.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Yes, that's right, folks.

Madge and I are the new proprietors of

the number-one entertainment venue
on the Costa Blanca,

some would say the whole of Europe.

By the time we're finished with it,
probably the world.

It'll take me a few weeks to lick
the dancing girls into shape

and grab a few tits on... Er...

Tips on being in show business.

I'm sorry, that didn't exactly
come out as I meant it.

But for now we'd like to sing this song
for Mick, Janice, Michael and Telle.

(SPANISH EYES PLAYING)

# Blue Spanish eyes

# Teardrops are falling
from your Spanish eyes

# Please, please don't cry

# This is just adiós and not goodbye

# Soon I'll return

# Bringing you all the love
your heart can hold

(INAUDIBLE)

# Please say sí, sí

# Say you and your Spanish eyes
will wait for me

# Blue Spanish eyes

# Prettiest eyes in all of Mexico

# True Spanish eyes

# Please smile for me once more
before I go

# Soon, I'll return

# Bringing you all the love
your heart can hold

# Please say sí, sí

# Say you and your Spanish eyes
will wait for me

# You and your Spanish eyes
will wait for me #

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)