Benidorm (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript

MATEO: Next.

Two pieces of chicken
and two burgers, love.

No more chicken. Just burgers.

- Okay, two burgers then.
- You?

Two of your finest
mystery meat burgers, please, garçon.

Ooh. Just in the nick of.

Actually, can you make it four burgers
if you've got no chicken?

Okay. Sorry. No burgers.

Excuse me, I think you'll find
those two are my burgers.

- She's having four.
- The lady you referred to ordered two,

- then I ordered two.
- I'm having four.



Sorry. No burgers.

Now, look, she changed her mind
after I placed my order

- for the two remaining...
- Oh, shut up, whining fatty.

I'm in front of you,
and I've ordered the last four burgers.

I'm sorry, what did you call me?

- She called you "fatty".
- I was asking her!

I called you "fatty".

Have you got a problem with that?

Fancy having lovely brown hair
and dying your roots grey!

How's it going?

Yeah. Can't complain.

- Bottle of beer, please.
- Hey, Geoff, how are you?

Late night last night?

Really early one actually.



Really early.

Geoff had a big date last night.

I didn't have a date.

Last night in the old town.

Lovely romantic dinner he was having.

It wasn't a romantic dinner. It was...

It was a business meeting.

I must say, we didn't really have you
down as the broad minded type.

Is she pre-op or actually in transition?

Oh, God.

Bless him, he's gone all shy.

I don't know. Young love makes them
all giddy, don't it?

Right. Sunbeds.

Excuse me, uh, is this seat free?

- Far as I know.
- Oh, cheers.

Bottle of beer, please.

Oh, oh, oh, no, sorry.
I didn't mean to be rude.

Um, are you Mel?

Yeah. Have we met?

- No.
- Well, how do you know who I am?

Lucky guess.

Uh, that, and the 30 foot high poster
of you advertising your shop

- as you drive into Benidorm.
- Oh, yeah.

Forgotten about that.

How is the mobility business?

Been better.

Yeah, I know how difficult it can be.

- I'm in business meself.
- Oh, yeah.

What are you in?

Spanish property.

Really?

- So she got the last four?
- Yes.

- But she only ordered two to begin with?
- Yes, I know.

She can't change her order
after you've got the last two.

Are you just going to repeat
everything I've said to you

only in a slightly higher voice?

Greedy cow. Who's she with?

The Costa Blanca Charm School.
How do I know?

All right, no need to bite me head off.

I might have to.
There's nothing else to eat around here.

- What were you looking at?
- Sorry.

You don't have to apologise.

Sorry I'm not very exciting today,
but you really tired me out last night.

I'm sorry about that.
I can witter on, sometimes.

Oh, right, you mean sex-wise.

- Oh, brilliant.
- Yeah.

Did you hear them banging next door?

No. Gosh, sounds like everybody
was at it last night.

Think it was a full moon or something?

No. I mean,
they were banging on the wall

for us to keep the noise down.

Oh, I see. Excellent.

Well, they don't call me...

"Loud Sex" Martin for nothing, you know.

(CHUCKLING)

They don't really call me that,
you know.

I didn't think they did.

Do you have to, the pair of you?

Mmm...

Leave us alone, we're on holiday.

You all right, mam?

No, I'm not. I'm very loose.

(BOTH GROANING)

Well, don't spare us
any details, will you?

It's freezing in there.

There you are.
Look, your towel's down there.

Hey, Telle, turn Coolio around.
I can't see him.

(EXCLAIMING) Just look at him.

I don't think I've ever seen
a more beautiful baby.

Oh, you obviously haven't seen
pictures of me as a baby, then.

You were never a bonnie baby.

- Thanks.
- Your head was too big.

We used to get stopped in the street.

People didn't know what to make of you.

- Hat stand?
- I used to say to them,

"There's nothing wrong with her,
she'll grow into it."

And she did.

Big feet as well, for a child.

Why don't we try for another baby?

I wouldn't mind how big its head was.

Another baby?

Yeah, that's just what we need
right now.

I didn't say have another baby.
I just said try for one.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Stop it.

She'll never be able to have
another baby at her age.

And if she does, it'll be
"Good night, Irene"

to all her woman's bits downstairs.

Oh, for God's sake.

What are you fiddling
about with, Michael?

I'm just looking at your scooter.

Well, don't. It's not a toy, you know.
Go on.

Get out of me road.

I was only looking.

Come and sit with us, Michael.

Although, there's not a lot of room
over here,

what with your mother's head
and her feet.

Piss off!

Here, if you want something to do,

go and ask them over there
if they've got anything for the squits.

Okay.

Do you know, you should run
holidays for kids, Madge.

You really know how
to keep them entertained.

Listen, Brandy, um...

What?

Well, I just wanted to say,

and don't get me wrong,
I like a bit of the old rumpy-pumpy

as much as the next man, but, um...

Go on.

Well, I don't want this
to sound corny or sad, but...

Brandy,

I'm really falling for you.

- Really?
- Yes.

Really.

Well, I fell for you
the moment I saw you.

So it's nice to hear
you're finally catching up.

(CHUCKLING)

Excuse me, erm, me nana said
have you got anything for the squits?

Oh, it's absolutely ridiculous.

- You can order a sandwich.
- I don't want a sandwich.

It is a bit weird.
When there's been a barbeque before,

it's always been on all afternoon.

It's only just gone 2:00.

Look, he's back.
I'm going to sort this out.

Oh, don't argue with him, Gavin.

Let's just go to the Chinese buffet
across the road.

- Six euros.
- Six euros?

Haven't you heard
there's a credit crunch?

Excuse me, has the barbeque finished?

Sí, finished.

But you can still order a salad
from the bar.

Oh, yes, of course, salad. That staple
of every Benidorm holidaymaker's diet.

Come on, let's go over the road.

I've not paid
for an all-inclusive holiday

for everything to be all-inclusive
except the food.

You didn't pay for anything,
the holiday was free.

- How many burgers did you want?
- Just two.

There's a woman over there.
She took four but she's only eat two.

Ask her you can have them.

Oh, right. That does it.

I don't know why
I'm still picking, I'm full.

We shouldn't have had
such a big breakfast.

So after all that whining,

you didn't actually want
the other two burgers.

What is your problem?

I'll tell you my problem.

Some little piggy with eyes
bigger than her belly,

if that's possible,
obviously thinks there's a war on.

And she has to stockpile food
she has no intention of eating!

Oh, stick it up your arse.

It's unbelievable. Her son didn't even
finish the first one.

- That's my husband!
- (CHUCKING) Husband? Sorry.

Yeah. What's it got to do with you?

Extremely loyal husband, it would seem,

the way he's courageously jumped
to your defence. Oh, no, my mistake.

He's just sitting there
like a rather embarrassed child!

He doesn't speak English!

I think you'll find he probably does.

He's just never been able
to get a word in edgeways.

Here. Here's your burger,
you big fat poof!

You bitch! How dare you!

(BOTH YELLING)

MAN: Ladies, come on now, break it up.

- GAVIN: You old Jabba the Hutt!
- Get off my husband!

You bitch!

- Get off me you big...
- GAVIN: Witch!

(BOTH YELLING)

GAVIN: How dare you!

That's enough! Right.
I don't want to hear another peep

out of either of you two,
or you're barred. Do you understand?

(SCOFFING)

Come on, Gav.

TROY: Hey, rise above it.

Come on, move away.
There's nothing to see here.

Please, go back to where you came from.

The show is over.

Oh, my God!

You know this woman?

You could say that.

She's my daughter.

(SIGHING)

Who told you we were here?

What do you mean, "told me"?

If I'd have known you were here,
this is the last place

I would have come to.
Are you all right, Mick?

Bloody hell! All right, Valda.
What are you doing here?

- Hello, Chantelle.
- Hello.

That's never our Michael?

Michael, say hello to your Auntie Valda.

Hi, Auntie Valda.

What are you doing here?

What do you think I'm doing here?
We're on holiday.

- We?
- Yes, we.

This is my husband.

- Vikram.
- Your husband?

Mother...

What's his name? Vicky?

Vikram. He's Indian.

I didn't think he was bloody Polish.

And this must be your fancy man.
I've heard all about him.

This is my husband.

Excuse me.

Can you take your episode
of The Jerry Springer Show

somewhere else,
as you're causing a bottleneck?

Look, why don't we go
for a cup of tea inside?

You can leave Vicky here
to play with Michael.

They're about the same age.

Right, that's it. Come on, we're going.

This is exactly what I've been avoiding

for the last five years!

Hang on, Valda. Wait a minute.

Beer?

Absolutely!

What do you reckon all that was about?

I don't know.
Just riff-raff, aren't they?

You've not said much
about your date last night.

I told you, it was all right.

I was speaking to that Scottish fellow
and his wife

in the lift this morning.

Said they bumped into
you and your lady friend.

- Oh, aye?
- Yes.

Said you made a very nice couple.

- Did they?
- Said something about her

being a bit older than you.

And possibly...

Now, I think
the word was "pre-operative".

But don't know what that means.

Look, I met someone on the internet.

We met up and she turned out
to be a fella in a dress.

All right? Are you happy now?

Oh, son, you know
you can tell me anything.

And I didn't tell ya.

Because it were a misunderstanding,
all right?

I don't fancy men, and I certainly don't
fancy women who are men.

I mean men who think they're women.

- I mean...
- Your dad was big mates

with that Danny La Rue.

We went to see him three times
in Manchester.

I said to your father,

"Did you realise it was a fella
in a frock when you first met him?"

And he said, "It were 1948,
and I'd just been demobbed

“from the Navy.
I was bound to make a few mistakes."

Oh, he did have a good sense of humour.

- Is that him?
- Yeah, that's him. He's in property.

He's over here tying up a few deals,
then he's off tomorrow.

"Marcus Snelling,
Business Intelligence Consultant.”

What does that mean?

It means he's got his fingers
in a lot of pies.

So has he. Don't mean
you should buy an house off him.

I told him I wasn't interested.

Never show all your cards at once.

(SIGHING)
I'm supposed to be relaxing today.

But it's hard to switch off.

You're like me. A workaholic.

(STIFLING A LAUGH)

- You all right?
- Oh, yeah.

My business associate, Mick Garvey.

Nice to meet you, Mick. Marcus Snelling.

Yeah, I've heard all about you.

Oh, yeah, you been
talking about me, Mel?

Well, I just mentioned
you were in property.

Yeah, it's a real shame
it's not your thing.

I've just heard of another property
available to me,

but I've only brought the cash
to secure the one I knew about. Shame.

- It would only take 5,000 euros.
- Ah, well

Life's a bitch and then you die.

A 90,000 euro guaranteed profit
for a 5,000 euro stake.

Basically,
it's a licence to print money.

How'd you work them figures out?

I've got this estate agent friend.

No, you're not interested.

No, we're not interested.

Well, hang on here.
You may as well tell us.

He deals with a lot of old biddies
that retired out here,

but run out of money.

Now, he offers them
the chance of a lifetime.

Sell your house, but still live in it.

You've got a look of Carol Vorderman.

Anybody ever tell you that?

Go on.

He gives them a ridiculously low
valuation on their house,

but tells them he feels sorry
for their predicament.

And out of the kindness of his heart,
can put them in touch

with a private cash buyer
with no commission to pay,

as long as they don't breathe
a word of this to the agency.

Now that is where I come in.

What on earth is that smell?

- Oh, yeah. It's bullshit.
- Shut up.

I fly over here, bung the estate agent
five grand, take over the deal.

I buy a 200,000 euro house
off a confused little old lady

for 60 grand.

I then sell the house
to a big property developer

the same day for 150 K.

He bites my hand off,
'cause it's still 50 K less

than the full market value.

But he's happy. He's got
another property in his portfolio.

And a sitting tenant
who's not only paying top whack rent

but who'll be dead
within a couple of years,

leaving him with a house
worth even more money.

- That is unbelievable.
- Yeah. Certainly is.

Why don't the estate agent just
go directly to the property developer?

Because the estate agent doesn't know
who the property developer is.

He's my contact. Knowledge is everything
in this game, Mel.

You're not considering this, are you?

What's it got to do with you?

I thought I was your business associate.

Look, it's not everyone's cup of tea.

You do have to have
fairly flexible morals.

Flexible morals? You make Harold Shipman
look like the Flying Doctor.

I've heard enough.

Sorry about him. He's very naive
when it comes to business.

(MARCUS CHUCKLES)

- Thanks a lot.
- MATEO: Yes.

Well, anyway, if you feel like turning
5 grand into 100, you've got my card.

(MARCUS GROANING)

I missed you, babe.

(GIGGLING)

Gary, what are you doing?

You weren't supposed
to get here until tomorrow.

I got a cheap flight.

- How's it going?
- Everything's sorted.

I've been working on the mark.
He'll give me anything I want.

I bet he will.

Anything else?

Yeah. Staff pass key
to every room in the place.

Ooh, you little beauty.

(GIGGLING)

(GARY MOANING)

(LIFT DINGS)

So when did you arrive?

We got off the plane
about 11:00 this morning.

Plane from where?

You don't change, do you, eh?

You're still the same nasty racist
old bag you always were.

What are you talking about?
I just asked where you flew from.

How do you put up with it?

How can I be a racialist?

You've seen Telle's little 'un.

Anyway, there's no point
trying to avoid them these days.

They're everywhere.

(SIGHING)

Did you meet in Manchester?

No.

I was on holiday in India.

We met in Varanasi.

That's where Vikram's family are from.

Oh, right.

You went to India?

- Yeah.
- For an holiday?

- Yes.
- To India?

Is she losing her hearing
as well as the use of her legs?

There's nothing wrong with me legs.

Well, what are you doing
in that wheelchair, then?

Why should I walk around?
I'm on me holidays.

I'm entitled to take it easy.

So, can he not speak any English at all?

I feel awful talking about him
as if he's not here.

No, he can say "hello" and "goodbye"
and "please" and “thank you".

Thank you.

Ooh, you'll be teaching him
to ride a bike next.

But what are we doing here, eh?

I mean, I don't like her.
She doesn't like me.

So what is the point?

We don't have to keep on
bumping into each other.

We're only using this as a cheap base
to do some sightseeing.

Not gonna be using the facilities here.

Sightseeing, around here?

Yeah, what about that waterfall place
we went to?

- That was lovely.
- Waste of time.

Which is exactly what this is.
Come on, Vikram.

Well, that's it. Piss off and abandon me
like you did before.

Abandon you? Are you joking?

Bit of a coincidence
that you have been abandoned

by me, Jackie, Cheryl, Mandy,
Sharon and Maureen.

People don't abandon you, mother.
You drive them away.

I know why you're sniffing around here.

You've caught wind
of my husband's money, haven't you?

Well, you can go and whistle for it.

I'll make sure you never get a penny.

And if Mel dies before me,
I'll leave it all to the dog's home.

I would not take your money
if I was on the bones of me arse.

Which is highly unlikely,
as I'm a landlord with 14 houses

and Vikram's gonna be a doctor.

A doctor? What kind of a doctor?
A bloody witch doctor?

He doesn't speak any English.

Bus!

Bus.

Bus.

Where's he want to get a bus to?

It means “enough”.

And frankly, I think he's got a point.

VALDA: Come on.

Very difficult smell
to get out of furniture.

Curry.

Do you know it's Derek's opening gala

for the Middlesborough Bisexual Leather
and Rubber Ball tonight.

Well, we knew that
when we took the holiday.

Such a shame. It'll be the first time
we miss Gay Derek's opening

since the late '80s.

I wonder how he's getting on.

Oh, why don't you give him a ring?

What, at 35 pence a minute?

Oh, yeah. Mind you,
the holiday was free.

That's hardly the point.

Uh, excuse me,
I hope you don't think me rude,

but I couldn't help overhearing.

Were you talking about using
your UK mobile to phone home?

Yes, it's hellishly expensive.

I think we'll stick to postcards.

Well, have you ever thought
about getting your phone chipped?

- Chipped?
- Yeah, it's not exactly legal

but it does save you a lot of money.

Oh, yes?

May I?

Oh!

Is there something wrong?

Well, I don't believe it.
This is a C260.

I've not seen one of these for years.

It's quite old.

You, my friends,
are in the possession of gold dust.

How do you mean?

I'm in the mobile phone business.

I was gonna offer to chip your phone
for cheap calls,

but this phone, this is the only mobile

you can still completely
bypass the network.

You've lost us.

I can alter this phone for a few quid
to get completely free calls

anywhere in the world.

I'll buy this phone off you
for 100 euros.

Oh, we've got two of them!

(GARY LAUGHING) Great!
100 euros a piece.

Hang on, hang on.

200 euros for rare phones
you can get unlimited

free international calls from?

We're not as green
as we're cabbage-looking.

But you don't know how to alter them.

Knowledge is everything in this game.

I'm sure we'll find somebody
back home that can do it.

The internet's not just
for hardcore pornography, you know.

I tell you what.
Over here, they charge you, what,

30 euros each to get them done.

(CHUCKLING)
That's if you can find someone

to do them for you.

I'll do them both for you for 60 euros.

- Oh, yes, please!
- 50.

Ooh, you drive a hard bargain.

Oh, all right, you got yourself a deal.

And a receipt.

Naturally.

Received, two C260s

and 50 euros

for, let's call it, a, um, repair?

Signed. There you go.

Well, I think that seems to be in order.

Right. I'll get these phones back to you
by tonight then.

We'll be at Neptune's.

Oh, oh, yeah, Neptune's.
Yeah, of course.

Oh, lovely!

"Ray Crosby. Crosby Communications."

He describes the phones as gold dust
and then offers us

100 euros each for them.

He'll have to do better than that
to pull the wool over my eyes.

Oh, yes!

Oh, you're here.

Been looking for you.

Michael, are you all right?

How come I keep meeting aunties
I didn't know I had?

Because, me nana doesn't
really talk to them.

But aren't they nana's daughters?

Yeah.

And the aunties are me mam's...

Sisters.

But if the aunties are me mam's sisters,

then how come they don't
talk to me mam either?

Well, they don't talk to me mam
'cause she talks to me nana.

- That's stupid.
- Tell me about it.

So why don't you talk to Coolio's dad?

Has that got anything
to do with me nana?

(CHUCKLES) Unbelievably, no.

I don't understand why everybody
can't just be friends.

Well, it seems like they can't.

Not while me nana's alive, anyway.

Hmm. Well, that means
nobody's ever gonna be friends,

'cause me nana's gonna live forever.

(LAUGHS) Who told you that?

Me nana.

She's always been trouble, Valda.

Always had ideas above her station.

She says she's got 14 houses.

Jesus. I knew she had a few, but not 14.

How did you know she had houses?

She went out with Graham Reed for a bit

after she divorced what's-his-name.
Barry.

No wonder Barry buggered off
if she was carrying on with Pakistanis.

- That lad was Indian.
- I know.

And she wasn't carrying on
with the Indian lad

when she got a divorce from Barry.

Mick's just said, she was
carrying on with Graham Reed.

Who the frig's Graham Reed?

Friend of Mick's from rugby.

Married to Jean Reed.
Used to be Jean Burger.

I can't listen to any more of this.

Turning my brains to jelly.

- All right. I'll come with you.
- No, you're all right.

I just want to stretch my legs.
Might have a shower, it's a bit hot.

- See you later, Mel.
- I know what he means about the weather.

This hot sun isn't doing anything
for my diarrhoea.

Oh, for God's sake.

I'm off on a drinks run. Same again?

- Aye.
- Yes, please.

Madge? Another prune juice?

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(GROANS)

- One beer.
- Ah, gracias!

- I used to be a barman, you know.
- Yes?

Yeah. Hard work but great fun.

I err.. used to do
a bit of magic behind the bar.

- Really?
- Oh, yes.

- You know magic?
- Absolutely.

Do one thing for me.

Oh, I don't really do it any more.

One second. I find for you...

There.

No, no.
I haven't done anything for ages.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, okay.

Hang on a minute.

Pick a card.

Okay. Look at it.

Put it back in the pack.

All right.

Wait. I shuffle.

(LAUGHS) You're not making this
easy for me, are you?

(WHISTLING)

Right.
Now, I am going to find your card.

Right, now. I bet you one euro

the next card that I turn over
will be your card.

- One euro?
- Yes. Sportsman's bet.

Maybe we can make the bet
more interesting.

-Ten euros?
- Well, I don't know about that.

Come on!
You said you were a magician, no?

Oh, all right.

Oh, hang on, that's a 50.

- You have placed the bet.
- Oh, you're too quick for me, mate.

I'll tell you what. I'm feeling lucky.

Do you feel like making it 100?

The next card you turn over
has to be my card.

I bet you 100 euros

the next card that I turn over
will be your card.

Okay.

This is all the money I have.

Here we go, then.

(HUMMING)

- What?
- Ace of Hearts. Your card.

But no, I thought you had...

Oh, knowledge is everything
in this game, señor.

Oh!

Now that's what I call a woman.

Yeah. She's very noisy in bed, though.

She certainly...

(GROANS)

- Hello.
- Hiya.

Me nana said can she have some more
of them diarrhoea tablets?

I'm sorry,
my friend's not here at the moment.

But her bag's here.

Yes, but I can't go through
someone else's bag

without them there.

Why not? My nana does it all the time.

Yes, well, I'm sorry,

but I can't do anything about it
until she gets back.

But my nana says
she's gonna shit herself.

Please!

- No, nothing here.
- What about that bit with the zip?

I'm really not comfortable doing this.

There! There's some there.

- Where's old ploppy pants?
- She couldn't move fast enough.

If this keeps up, she'll have to ask Mel
to get that scooter turbocharged.

- Where's me nana?
- Too late, son.

She was off like a robber's dog.

I got her these tablets.

These'll work.
They've got smiley faces on them.

Oh, yeah? I'll give them to her later.

Hang on a minute.
Do you know what these are?

They're diarrhoea tablets.

Oh, yeah. So they are.

Bloody hell!
I think you're in there, Mel.

I was gonna say
I don't fancy yours much,

but mine's not much better.

Oh, give over.

I didn't even notice them.

Unlike you, I don't have a wandering eye
for anything in a dress.

Well, not anything in a dress.

- You all right, Madge?
- I'm fine.

Oh, God, I think the one
with the flower in her hair's

definitely up for it, Mel.

Good job
she's not in an electric wheelchair.

You'd have been over there
like a rat up a drainpipe!

It may come as a surprise to you
as you sit there leering,

but it's quite possible to communicate
with the opposite sex

without viewing them as sexual objects.

You see? You don't have to...

Jesus Christ! It's a fella!

(CACKLING)

Why didn't you tell me it was a bloke?

Don't worry. I'm sure he's not
viewing you as a sexual object.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
The first karaoke cab off the rank is

young Michael Garvey.

Hey! That's you! Go on!

Go on! Good on, son!

That fella's still looking at you, Mel.

- Bloody disgusting.
- What is?

I pride myself on being
very open-minded,

but if there's one thing
that's out of order,

it's men pretending to be women.

Men should be men,

not prancing around
like a bunch of nancies.

Hear, hear.

(BIG SPENDER INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

# The minute you walked in the joint

# I could see you were
a man of distinction

# A real big spender

# Good looking, so refined

# Say, wouldn't you like to know
what's going on in my mind?

# So, let me get right to the point

# I don't pop my cork
for every guy I see

# Hey, big spender!

# Spend a little time with me #

They put their names down early
for it these days, don't they?

- You don't think he is, do you?
- No.

When I was his age,
I listened to nothing

but Shirley Bassey and Judy Garland.

And look at me, an icon of manhood.

That's true.

# ...good time

# Let me show you a good time #

- He's good, isn't he?
- (LAUGHS) He's a natural.

# I could see you were
a man of distinction #

We could have a kid, you know.

There's only one thing wrong
with that sentence.

- What's that?
- The words.

We could adopt.

Yes, with only Amy Winehouse
and Vlad the Impaler

before us on the waiting list.

You'd make a great dad.

I'd make a great house burglar
if cat flaps were twice the size.

Twice?

You bitch!

Hey, now! Stop it, stop it, or I'll ask
your friends to come and sit with us.

Oh, hello, we were
going to order the lamb.

Should we just get it sent
straight to your table?

Yeah!

(APPLAUSE)

That were brilliant!

- Did you like it, dad?
- Yeah. it was all right.

Yeah, good. Really good, son.

Hey, how's that girl in your class
that you like?

What's her name? Nicola.

I've gone off her.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I hang around
with her brother now. Steven.

Did you like my song, nana?

I wasn't really listening.

Your nana's not very well, Michael.

Do you want another couple
of them tablets, mam?

Oh, yeah. Pass them over.

You've only just taken two.

(STIFLED LAUGHTER)

What's tickled your fancy?

Nothing.

Can I go say hello to my Auntie Valda?

Typical Sitting there
supping the free booze

after all that rubbish about,

"Oh, we're not going to be
using the facilities here."

I asked her to come here so we can talk.

And there she is,
sitting with her back to us.

That's how much she wants to talk.

- Come on. Let's go over there.
- You can frig off.

I'm staying here.

I think Madge is right.
Let the mountain come to Mohammad.

I thought his name was Vicky.

What're you trying to do to me?

What do you think?

You know, Brandy, I've never been
this happy in my entire life.

- You mean you've never been this drunk?
- And who'd had thought it?

Me, a middle-class,
privately educated bloke

with a, well, let's face it,
highly privileged background,

and you, you, from Liverpool.

I mean, it shouldn't work but it does.

Martin, you know that money
I asked to borrow?

Yeah, yeah,
it's safe somewhere in the apartment.

- Where?
- I've hidden it.

- Yeah, I know, but where?
- I'll tell you tomorrow.

The walls have ears.

- Is it under the bed?
- Yeah.

Listen, I've gotta go for a waz,

but I just want you to know
that I honestly think

that ours was more than
just a chance meeting.

I've never been a big believer in fate,

but I think you came into
my life for a reason.

I couldn't agree more.

(PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Excuse me, you haven't seen
that chap in the red Hawaiian shirt

that was near the pool today, have you?

Oh, no, sorry.

No matter.

I can't think who he means, can you?

- All right?

Why don't you just ask her out, son?

'Cause I'm not interested.

You could do a lot worse.

I just think whilst you're here,
it's the perfect opportunity

to build a few bridges.

How are we supposed to do that

when she won't even
come over here to talk to me.

WOMAN ON MIC: Okay, ladies and germs,

next song up tonight is Madge
singing Up, Up and Away.

Let's hear it for Madge!

(APPLAUSE)

Is that me? Are they asking for me?

I don't think you should go, princess,

you don't look right to me.

Are you all right, Madge?

(VOICE DISTORTED) I can see.
I can see everything!

- Madge!
- Oh, my God. Where are you going?

To get the video camera.
I'm not missing this.

Hurry up!

(UP. UP AND AWAY INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

# Would you like to ride
in me beautiful balloon?

# How'd you like to glide
in me beautiful balloon?

# We could sail along the clouds together

# You and I
Oh, we could fly #

Oh, shit!

What do you think you're doing?

I said, what do you think you're doing?

Oh, no, you don't. Come here!
Come here. Help!

- Help!
- What's going on?

She's robbing the place!

Don't just stand there,
go and get somebody!

Well, go on!

Oh, fuck!

# ...In my beautiful balloon

# We could float among
the stars together

# You and I
Oh, we could fly

# Up, up and away in my beautiful.. #

Me nana's gone mad!

I knew she shouldn't have
had a drink with medication.

You've gotta admit,
she's a good mover though.

# The world's a nicer place

# In my beautiful balloon #

What are you all doing just sitting here?

What do you mean?

Will someone go
and get her off that stage?

Now, don't be a spoilsport.
She's just getting into her stride.

# You and I, we could fly

(WHOOPS)

# Up, up and away in my beautiful

# My beautiful balloon

# Up, up and away! #

(SCREAMING)

(CLAMOURING)

JAN: Oh, my God!

(MUFFLED SCREAMS)

What've you been doing?
You just missed the most hilarious...

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!

Come on, princess.
You're okay, you're okay.

What the frig is wrong with her?

She's had a bad reaction to something.
Can't you tell?

Yes. I've had a fairly bad reaction
to her jumping on me head!

Look, why don't we all meet up
tomorrow and have a drink?

Are you joking? We are leaving
first thing in the morning.

We thought this place was cheap
when we booked it.

(SOBBING)
We just didn't realise how cheap!

It was nice to meet you.

- You...
- Janice.

...crazy!

All crazy.

Ladies and gentlemen, can all residents
please return to the apartments.

There's been several reported
burglaries in the Solana,

and we require all residents to return
to their accommodation immediately.

- Oh, my God!
- I'll go.

(INDISTINCT CLAMOURING)

I'm sorry, were you asleep? It's Martin.

I'm so sorry. I've been such a fool.

Sorry. Sorry. I'm in Spain.

In Benidorm.

It was free.

I've lost everything.

Money, passport, everything.

Everything's been taken.

Kate, I need you. I need you so much.

(WAILING)