Benidorm (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript

Angry and upset that Mick has forgotten their wedding anniversary, Janice goes off for a walk on her own and stops off at a bar. It is owned by Jack, an English lad in his early twenties, along with his sister, both orphans. Jack tells Janice that she is beautiful and that he is in love with her but she panics and hurries back to the complex.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Pick up five. Sorry, Troy.
Unless you've got another king.

- I certainly have. Pick up 10, Donald.
- I think not. Pick up 15, Gavin.

But this is ridiculous,
there aren't 15 cards to pick up.

Calm down, Gav. This is only a game.

No, Gavin's right.
It's too hot for cards.

What say, we all have
a post-breakfast dip in the jacuzzi?

- Ooh, yes!
- TROY: That'll do for me.

- Come on.
- No. I'm fine here, thank you.

- Nonsense, we're all going in. Come on.
- I'm sorry. I said no.

Are you okay?

TROY: Come on!

- Last one in takes it up the bum.
- Ooh! That'll be all of us.

Right, I'm off to get me mam.
You're gonna talk to Mel.

Aye, all right.

You look nice, mam.

Thank you, darling.

- I'll be off then.
- Yeah.

Oh look! Me watch is wrong.
It's the 12th, not the 11th.

I say, me watch is wrong.
I'm sure it's the 12th today.

Yeah, well, that's what you get
for buying a cheap watch.

Mam? Why don't you want
me nana and Mel to get married?

Well, me dad said it's
because Mel's a nutter.

Telle, are you gonna be all right
with baby Coolio?

Yeah, 'course I am. He is my baby.


See you back here later.

I thought we could maybe go into
the old town for our tea tonight?

Just me and you.

- You kids'll be all right, won't ya?
- BOTH: Yeah.

You're joking, aren't ya?

What's the point
of spending money out there

when it's all paid for in here?

No, you're right.

No point at all!

Dad, I think mam's upset.

I know.
There's summat wrong with her watch.

Look, I don't want to make
a big thing of this. I just...

I just don't take my clothes
off in public.

This isn't about body image, is it?

- Yes. It is actually.
- You've got to be joking.

- You're a fine figure of a man.
- Oh, please.

Look, it's all about how
you see yourself.

I mean, at home, when I look in
the mirror, I don't see a fat person.

- Really?
- No, not at all.

Right, I see.

Where'd you buy these mirrors?

Large vodka and orange
and a gin and tonic.

Thanks, love.

- A bit early for this, isn't it?
- Do you want it or not?

There's no need to take
that tone with me, lady.

It's not my fault,
your ignorant pig of a husband

forgot your 10-year wedding anniversary.

I'm not here to talk about Mick.
We're here to talk about Mel.

Oh, no.

If you brought me here
to try and talk me out

of getting married to the man I love,

you can stick your vodka and orange
up your arse.

The man you love?
You've only known him 20 minutes.

We'll have known each other
four weeks on Saturday.

And on Saturday, I'll be having a white
wedding on the beach here in Benidorm.

A white wedding?

Who the frig gonna be wearing white,
you or him?

Oh, very funny.

And you can stay away
if you'll be coming out

with vicious comments like that.

Don't talk rubbish.

As if I'm going to stay away
from me own mother's wedding.

Ah! Wouldn't make much difference to me.

None of me other six daughters'll
be there.

- And why do you think that is?
- Because they're not on holiday with us.

No. Because you've systematically
alienated every one of them.

Ooh! Look who's swallowed
a bloody dictionary.

They may as well be aliens,
I'd see 'em more often.

I just don't want someone
you've known for three weeks

to drive a wedge between us.

No, but you're happy for him
to pay for your holiday.

You didn't tell me he'd paid until
we got here. I thought you'd paid.

Don't you raise your voice to me, lady.
And it's four weeks not three weeks.

Three weeks, four weeks, does it matter?

Just think about
what you're doing, mother.

Don't you worry.
I know exactly what I'm doing.

And I also know that on our
10-year wedding anniversary,

I won't be spending it on me own
in an empty Spanish bar

crying into me gin and tonic, like you.

Here we go, coffee,
black, like your women.

Just a joke to break the ice.

We've not really had a chance to talk,
have we?

So you and Madge getting married?

You sorted out the OK! Magazine
deal yet?

You think yourself a bit of a comedian,
don't you?

- Depends how tough the crowd is.
- Do you know what I think?

No. I'm a comedian, not a mind reader.

I think, as a man in your late 40s,

you should spend less time poking
your nose into other people's business

and more time looking after
your own affairs.

- Look, can we...
- Madge and I are in love.

We're getting married. Deal with it.

I'm 41.

- Give us it here.
- You what?

You've been fiddling with that
for 20 minutes.

Not that I've been watching ya.
My name's Jack.

You're very confident for a 12 year old.

(CHUCKLES) I'm 24.

It's just the date
you're trying to change, is it?

Yeah, and if you can't do it,
just give it us back.

I need to go find me mother
before her battery runs out.

You are absolutely gorgeous.

- Is that supposed to be a compliment?
- Uh, yeah.

Does your mother know
you talk to women like this?

- My mum died last year.
- I'm sorry.

Me dad as well.

Me and me sister bought this place
with the money they left us.

Well, I'm very sorry to hear
about your parents, Jack,

and it's lovely to hear your life story,
but I'd better get going.

Hang on. I'm nearly there.

You remembered my name.

Yeah. I did, didn't I?

That means we should run off together

into the Mediterranean sunset
and get married.

All right. I'm up for it.

Seriously, I'd marry you tomorrow.
You're gorgeous.

I've got enough weddings
to go to this week, thank you.

All right.

I'll settle for a kiss.

Okay, Jack. We've established
you're genuinely hilarious.

What we haven't established
is that I'm married.

What happens in Benidorm
stays in Benidorm.

- It's just a kiss.
- Goodbye, Jack.

You haven't paid for your drinks.

Oh! Me bag's on me mother's wheelchair.

I'm sure we can come
to some arrangement.

Yeah. Here you are.

There's your change.



Kelly! How are you?

Hello, Mr Stewart, Mrs Stewart.

Oh! What a lovely surprise!
Come and sit down.

- Thanks.

How's your mum after that terrible
business in the pool?

Oh, she's okay, thanks.

She said she's gonna sue the hotel

and pay to have
the woman's kneecaps broken.

You know, the one who threw her in.

- Still a bit upset then?
- You could say that.

Oh dear. And how are you?

Well, that's why I'm here, to be honest.
I need some advice.

Go on.

I went to work last night and, well,
this was waiting for me.

Oh, I haven't got my glasses.

"Dear Kelly, I love you.

"Kelly, I need you. You are not like
the other English pig girls.

"You are kind, beautiful
and you do not smell"

You've got to admit,
he's got a way with words.

"If we cannot be together,
I ask for one last night of passion.

"I know you want this.
With one night of passion,

"I will show you that you need me
as much as I need me."

Sadly enough,
I don't think that's a mistake.

Oh, this is a good bit.

"The throbbing of my heart for you

"is as big as the throbbing
in my trousers. Mateo."

Aw. I think I like him again now.

"P.S. Please do not show this letter
to your mother.

"She is crazy like stabbed bull."

No, actually.
He has got a point with that last bit.

Isn't it a shame

when the nice-looking ones
always turn out to be the nutters?

I mean, look at Harry Seacombe.

Pass your pen to Kelly, Jacqueline.

I think we know how to sort this out.

Dear Mateo...

We should travel more, you know.

I mean, I know this holiday hasn't
exactly gone to plan, but...

Just feel that sun.

Next holiday,
I know it sounds crazy, but...

No planning, no booking,
just get up and go.

Can you imagine how liberating
that would be?


I know it's ridiculous, but can you
imagine going to the airport,

running up to the desk and saying,

"Here's my passport, here's my money,
you decide where I'm going.

"To hell with the consequences.
I just need to goddamn get away."


I'm writing these postcards and I don't
know half the people's addresses.

- What you writing them for then?
- I don't know.

I can always give 'em to people
when we get home.

Save on stamps that way, as well.

- Hiya, you all right?
- Oh, hiya, yeah.

Fine, thanks.

- Hello, it's Chantelle, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Yes. I was speaking to your mum
the other day.

And this is your son.
Can we have a look at him?

Oh, he's taken the sun well, hasn't he?


He's mixed race.

Oh, right.

Like your father.

My late husband was half Irish.

Although you'd never know
from just looking at him.

Mind you, he never moved his arms
when he was dancing,

so the clues were there.

Geoff were gonna ask
if you can look after me son

- if we went out for a drink together?
- Oh, lovely!

Ah, yeah, I was gonna ask you,
but, um, I forgot.

No. That's smashing.
When are you going out? Tonight?

- Yeah.

I was thinking about
maybe tomorrow night?

All right. No. Actually tomorrow night
is better for me.

I'm a bit tied up tonight.

I thought it was just
doing karaoke tonight?

No. No.

- I'm quite busy tonight.
- Busy doing what?

You know, people to see, places to go.

What people have you got to see?
You don't know anybody here.

- Just people!
- And what places have you got to go to?

You've not been outside the building
since we got here.

Yeah, exactly,
which is why I've got to do all me

- stuff tonight, isn't it?
- Well, if you say so.

Yeah, I do.

Right, well, anyway,
is tomorrow okay for you?

Lovely. You bring him any time you want.

All right, well, maybe see you later.

Yeah. Cool. Whatever.

# We're going to the chapel

# And we're going to get married #

Will you shut up?

Right I'll have to get back.

I've left someone halfway through
Wig Wam Bam.

Excuse me. I need to find my wife.

- Well, I'm not stopping ya.
- No, sorry. I mean, have you seen her?

What's she look like?

You've seen her with me.
Blonde, about average height,

very pretty, late 30s, looks younger.

Slight intolerance to wheat.

No. I can't think who you mean.

Looks quite miserable most of the time.

Oh her? No. I've not seen her today.

I just assumed she'd gone for a walk,
but she's taken her clothes, suitcase.

- She hasn't left a message here for me?
- No.

Janey, I need you to read this.

- I'm busy.
- Janey, please.

Oh, for Christ's sake, give us it here.

"Dear Mateo. I am sorry
I have been avoiding you. You are right.

"Even if we cannot be together,
you deserve one last night of passion,

"Room 204. Love, K."

You're a dirty get.


Room 204.

Come on, you breeders.

# Wam bam, bam sham-a-lam

ALL: # Wam bam, bam sham-a-lam #

TROY: Come on!
# Wam bam, bam sham-a-lam

# Wham bam, bam sham-a-lam #

- Look, don't let 'em get you down.
- I'm all right.

Well, you don't look all right.

You've been upset since
you came back this afternoon.

I said, I'm fine.

I don't give a shit if
they never talk to us ever again.

Well, I do. That's my mother.

If they wanna get married,
I say let 'em get on with it.

What is marriage anyway?
It don't mean anything.

It's only a bit of paper.

Mam, are you all right?

Janice, what's wrong?

What's the matter, love?


MATEO: Kelly?




Oh, Kelly. I have missed you so much.

But tonight, I will be your matador.

You will ride me like a crazy bull.

You are beautiful in every way.


# Wam bam, bam sham-a-lam #

- I'm all right, honest, I'm fine.
- You're not fine.

Come on. What have I done?
Just tell me what I've done.

What have you done?

10 years married and you didn't
even buy your wife a card.

What are you wittering on about,
you daft, old...

- Oh, my God.
- It's all right.

And you have the brassneck cheek
to criticise my fella.

You're no better than animals,
the lot of yer.


- Janice, I'm so sorry.
- It's all right.

- But 10 years.
- It's fine.

I'm not bothered about that,
honestly, Mick.

I love you. I love you so much.

I love you, too.

Come here.

# Wig wam bam
Gonna make you my man

# Wam bam bam
Gonna get you if I can

# Wig wam bam
gonna make you understand

# Try a little touch,
try a little too much

#Just try a little wig wam bam#


TROY: Thank you.

HOST: Next up, we have Janice Garvey
singing Real Dead Ringer For Love.

Shit. Sorry, mam. I put you down.

It's all right, darling.
I want to sing it.

I'm gonna sing it for your dad.


Come on, Jan.

Have you and me mam
really been married 10 years, dad?

Yes, son. 10 wonderful years.

# Every night I grab some money
And I go down to the bar

# I got my buddies and a beer
I got a dream, I need a car

# You got me begging on my knees
C'mon and throw the dog a bone

# A man he doesn't live by rock 'n roll
And brew alone

# Baby baby rock 'n roll and brew
Rock 'n roll and brew

# They don't mean a thing
When I compare 'em next to you

# Rock n roll and brew
Rock 'n roll and brew

# I know that you and I
Oh, we got better things to do

# I don't know who you are
Or what you do

# Or where you go when you're not around

# I don't know anything about you, baby
But you're everything I'm dreaming of

# I don't know who you are
But you're a real dead ringer for love

# A real dead ringer for love #


Kate! Kate, hold on, I'm coming!

Martin! How the devil are you?

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I thought...

No worries. Are you off to the karaoke?
We're nearly done here.


Yes. I'll..

See you downstairs.



# Rock 'n roll and brew
Rock 'n roll and brew

# I know that you and I
Oh, we got better things to do

# Rock 'n roll and brew
Rock 'n roll and brew

# They don't mean a thing
When I compare 'em next to you

# I don't know who you are
Or what you do

# Or where you go when you're not around

# I don't know anything about you, baby
But you're everything I'm dreaming of

# I don't know who you are
But you're a real dead ringer for love

# A real dead ringer for love #