Benidorm (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

Kelly, Mateo's ex-girlfriend comes to the Solanas with her mother, Sylvia, who like Madge, rides an electronic scooter. Madge is convinced that Sylvia is out to steal Mel from her and squirts her with sun tan lotion before pushing her and the scooter into the swimming-pool. Martin is suspicious that Kate is trying to get back with Mateo and breaks into the bedroom he believes they are using. Instead he finds swingers Donald and Jacqueline terrorizing Mateo by inserting a cucumber in one of his orifices.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
How are you feeling, Mel?

I'm recovering from having 220 volts
of electricity

surging through me body
by an electric juicer.

How do you think I'm feeling?

I don't know. That's why I asked.


By hell, it's fresh in there.

You have to get pissed
to keep your circulation going.

How you feeling, Mel?

I wish people would stop asking me
how I'm feeling!

- What have I said?
- Right, I'm off for a dip.

Don't forget to tell the kids
to ask Mel how he's feeling.

What time is it?
How long have I been asleep?

Look, I'm sorry,
but we cannot move you again

because this is the second time
you've broke your bed.

It's ridiculous.
The beds simply aren't sturdy enough.

I can assure you, all our beds are
reinforced to withstand up to 50 stone.

We know what we're doing.

This is Benidorm. It's not exactly
a mecca for the anorexic.

I mean, if we were really going at it
with three or four friends on the bed,

well, fair enough.

But it was just the two of us,
wasn't it?


The thing is... Three or four friends?

We're a very sociable couple.

That's one word for it.

But the thing is,
this is the second time it's happened,

so I should actually charge you
for the repair of the bed.

Well, I'm sorry, but we don't bring
any cash on holiday with us.

That's why we book all-inclusive.

Maybe you could ask your
three or four friends to chip in.

Oh, I'm dying to go to the toilet.

Why don't you go?

I've only just got nicely settled.

Mother, you'll make yourself ill.
Go to the loo.

It seems such a long way to go.
I only want a wee.

How difficult can it be?
You're in a bloody electric wheelchair.

It's badly laid out, this place.


I might go for a dip in the pool.


- Where's Mel?
- I'm not sure where he's gone.

I just asked him how he was
and he stormed off.

He was a bit funny with me last night.

How do you mean?

We got back to the apartment and...

Well, we generally have a Malibu
before we go to our rooms,

but he just sald, "I don't think
this holiday's working out,"

and went to bed.

Well, yesterday was the third time
he's nearly died

in the four days we've been here.

Maybe he thinks Benidorm's not for him.

I think I'm losing him.

I can't believe it.

Two days ago, he asked me to marry him,

and now he's going to bed in silence
without his Malibu.

The signs are there.

Mam, when you said you was
going to take us on holiday again,

I didn't realise a man you'd only known
for three weeks was paying.

What's that got to do with anything?

Well, it puts us in an awkward position,
doesn't it?

None of us really knows anything
about Mel.

He could be a mass murderer.

Mr and Mrs Stewart!

Hello, darling!

Kelly! How are you?

Oh, I'm really well, thanks.

I thought you'd left.

Yeah, I have.
I work in a bar in the old town now.

So, what brings you here?

Well, my mum's staying here
for a couple of days.

Look, I'll send someone up
to try and fix it.

It's 204, isn't it?

Yeah, after all the trouble
with Mateo last year,

she thinks she needs to look after me.

Well, if she's got half your charm,
I can't wait to meet her.

Oh, it's so lovely to see you.

Is this the dirty bastard?

I'll kick your fat arse
into the middle of next week.

You should be locked up.

You're old enough to be her father.

Mum, what are you doing?

This is Mr Stewart.
He's here on holiday.

Oh, yeah? Thought he looked
a bit pasty for a Spaniard.

This is my mum, Sylvia.

Pleasure to meet you, Sylvia.
I'm Donald. This is my wife Jacqueline.

My condolences.

Don't worry, I always used to keep
an eye on Kelly when she worked here.

- Yeah, I bet you did.
- Mum!

Right, where's the bar?

I hope this room's got air conditioning
'cause I'm sweating like a pig on heat.

I'm sorry about that.
She's really protective.

And so she should be.

Mateo! Room 204.
See if you can fix the bed.

Kelly, you are back.

I have thought about nothing but you
since you left me.

It's really nice to see you,
Mr Stewart, Mrs Stewart.

I'll see you later.

Kelly, I have been counting the days
until I...

Save your breath, sunshine.
You had your chance and you blew it.

Now, I think I'll accompany you
while you fix this bed.

I don't want your sticky fingers
going through my wife's drawers.

You are not the only one.

Hello, there. How are you feeling?

What's it got to do with you?

Sorry, we were on the coach trip
yesterday when you were electrocuted.

Don't worry, I know exactly who you are.

You were the daft cow
who pronounced me dead.

Now, steady on.

I didn't pronounce you dead.
I just said you had no pulse.

People with no pulse don't sit
in the bar sipping Malibu and pineapple.

If it were down to you,
I'd be in a box six feet under

with people chucking dirt on me by now.

Come on, let's go.

Where'd you get your first-aid badge?
In a lucky dip?

SYLVIA: Excuse me.

I'm sorry to bother you,
but could you give me a hand?

Are you all right?

It's this stupid chair.
It's just stopped.

And they said in the shop
it was fully charged.

- Oh, no. Is this the M600?
- Well, I've no idea.

Yes, yes, it is.
We hired one of these a few days ago.

It's got a very tricky safety cut-out.
Do you mind?


You'll have to excuse me.
It's a very tricky nipple switch.

Hang on, I think I've got me hand on it.

Don't worry,
I'll get you going in no time.

Oh, no, I've lost it.

It's one of them the more you try
and feel for it, the harder it gets.

You know what I mean?

Oh, my God!

- What? What's wrong?
- Mel's snogging nana.


Oh, yeah.
Does that mean they're married now?

Oh, my God!

That's not nana.
He was kissing somebody else.

Nana is going to go mental
if she finds out about this. Come on.

- Where are we going?
- To tell nana!

So then what happened was
he sits bolt upright and says,

"Have I missed the bullfight?"

You know, you can technically die
for up to four minutes

before coming back to life.

Oh, is that reincarnation?

Obviously, you've got to be
pretty fit, you know.

The body has to be highly tuned.

Reckon I could do about three minutes.

We've always been very fit
in our family.

I don't know why.

I suppose we're just lucky.

It's like Bruce Lee.

He had a headache one day
and took an aspirin,

but his body was so highly tuned,
it killed him.

- Oh, heck!
- Yeah, I know.

That's why when I get a headache,
I just ride it out.

Don't want to risk it.

Yeah, better to be safe than sorry.


You all right?


Yeah, thanks.
I think I'm getting a cold.

Could be worse. Could be a headache.


Right, what's for dinner?

I don't know, but I could eat a horse
and go back for the jockey.

Nana, nana, we've just seen Mel
and he was kissing a woman!

You what?

Come here, Michael,
and stop telling tales.

Hey, you, what you been up to, filling
little Michael's head full of rubbish?

Put baby Coolio in the shade.

Well, is it true?

Is what true?

Has old, mucky Melvin
been caught with his trousers down?

Of course he hasn't.
Don't be disgusting.

I'll wash your mouth out with soap
and water for telling lies, young man.

I'm not lying, nana! Honest, I'm not!

He was kissing a lady
in a wheelchair like yours!

He wasn't kissing her.
Don't lie, Michael.

I'm not!

He was snogging the face off her,
and here's the pictures to prove it.

Wa-hey, pass it over!

Oi, give me that camera here.

Pass it over. Let me have a look.
I don't believe ya.

Oh, dear, and he's not backward
in coming forward, is he?

It's not his fault.
He's not feeling himself.

No, he's feeling that woman
in the wheelchair.

It's the electric shock.

It's left him vulnerable
and an easy target.

He don't look very vulnerable to me.

- Right, I'm off.
- Where are you going, mam?

Where do you think I'm going?

I'm going to find that woman
and give her a good seeing to.

Hey, he!l A bit of girl-on-girl action!

Will you shut up?

- Mam!
- Out the way!

- Hey, watch it!
- You as well.

Oh, bloody hell!

Go on! Go on, out the way!

- Here you go.
- Oh, lovely.

- How did you get on with the bed?
- Yes, all sorted.

I think we'll have to go a bit steady
from now on, though.

We weren't even both on it
when it broke.

Well, not technically.
I had one leg on the vanity unit.

Ah, yes.

"Who won the 1936 Miss Hungary title,

"but had to give it up
because she was under 16?"

- Gloria Hunniford.
- Oh!

- How's it going?
- Yeah, all right, thanks.

- Mind if I joln you?
- Be my guest.

Just thought I'd grab a cheeky half
and cool off.

Get away from the women.

Yeah, I've had a few offers,
but what can you do?

Yeah, same here. It's a bitch, isn't it?

I thought you were with your mam.

Un poco beer, por favor.

Hmm, picked up a bit of the lingo,
have ya?

I speak five languages.

- Bloody hell!
- Yeah.

What are they?

- What are they?
- Yeah, what languages?

Do you speak any languages?

- You're joking. I struggle with English.
- Oh, right, uh...

Italian, French, bit of German,

- Punjabi...
- Punjabi?

Yeah, you know, Indian.

Bloody hell!

What's "Good morning” in Punjabi?


You all right?

Me ear's really hurting.

What's wrong with it?

I don't know.


What did he say?


He's saying something about
the microclimate in Benidorm.

Apparently, there's a possibility
of a thunderstorm.

Hey, did you see a girl with dark hair?


Might have done.

- He's a greasy little bastard, that one.
- Yeah, fancies himself.

Women don't want men like that.

(SCOFFS) Men like that
make women feel ill.

You seen him mincing around?
He's always got his shirt off.


- What's that all about? He's skinny.
- Geoff...

If I looked like that, I'd be too
embarrassed to take my shirt off.


He's a dickhead and he knows it.

Listen, I'm off for a bit of a lie down.

Yeah, see you later.

Hey, keep your back to the wall
with that Spanish poof about.

You've been there ages, haven't you?

I like your hair.


- So, what do you think of it?
- Place is full of sex maniacs.

No wonder you had
all the trouble you did.

Okay, well, thanks for trying. Bye.

Kelly, I have been looking everywhere
for you.

Mateo, just leave it.
I don't want to speak to you.

- But you don't understand...
- No, you don't understand.

My mother's over there,
and if she sees you, she'll murder you.

Your mother?
Oh, I would like to speak to her.

Your family should be my family.

When I say she'll murder you,
I don't mean she'll have a go at you.

I mean she will find a knife
and she'll murder you.

- Won't be the first time.
- What?

Does that look like the face of a woman
who's never been in prison?

But, Kelly, I look into your eyes
and I know you want Mateo.



Don't say anything.

I know we're stuck here
for the rest of our holiday.

I'm really sorry.

It's fine.

It's fine.

We're here and it's fine.

Well, look on the bright side.

Martin, I can assure you,
there is absolutely no bright side.


Don't apologise.

Well, what do you want me to say?

I don't know. I just...

Yesterday, when you won
the arm-wrestling competition,

you didn't apologise,
you didn't make excuses.

You just took control, like a real man.

I just wish you could do that
a bit more often.

Put down that magazine
and get up those stairs, bitch!

Sorry. Sorry, that...

That was misjudged.

Here, you've always got your nose
in other people's business.

Have you seen this woman?

- I beg your pardon?
- This woman on here!

Have you seen her?

I can't really see.

No, I don't think so.


Bloody useless!

I've managed to get us
on a waiting list.

Shut up.

Mick. Mick, wake up.

What time is it?

- She's there.
- Eh?

The woman in the photo with Mel,
she's there.

That's her, isn't it, Telle?

Yeah, that's her, definitely.

- Where's your mam?
- Not here, thank God.

Where's Mel?

He's in his room.
I saw him on the balcony.

Oh, shit.

Oi, you!

You talking to me?

Yes, I'm talking to you, Miss

I beg your pardon?

You'll be begging for more than
my pardon when I get hold of ya.

Madge, you okay?

Piss off!

Come over here and say that,
you saggy-faced old cow.


Mum, just ignore her. She's mad.

Oh, yes, that's the kind of language
I expect from an old slag

who goes round interfering
with other women's fellas.

You know what I'm talking about.

In that bar, this afternoon.

Come on, sweetheart.
Let's get you out of the way.

Wait for me, mum!

Oh, mum, just leave it.



Oh, shit.


Come on, let's go in.

Are you insane?
I wouldn't miss this for the world.

I've met your type before,
all fur coat and no knickers.

And I've met your type before.

I used to work in a nuthouse.

What the bloody hell's going on here?

Is this the bloke you've been
going on about?

The one that tried to feel me up
in the bar?

Huh, I might have known.

Feel you up?
I was disengaging your safety switch.

That's what they call it these days.

Can't find a man of your own, so
start sniffing around somebody else's.

You're desperate.

I'd have to be desperate
to shag that leathery, old dwarf.



Right, that does it.


What are you doing, you stupid cow?

Oh, she's blinded me!




KELLY: Swim over here.
Give us your hand.

- Give me your hand. Give me your hand.
- Oh!

That's it. I've had enough.

You clear all your stuff
out of your room and sling your hook,

because you're barred from the hotel.

Me? She started it!

There's seven of them
and they're here for a week.

They've spent more money.

Oh, come on, mum, let's go.

- Plkey Northern bastards.
- KELLY: Come on.

Go on, piss off
back to where you came from.

Let's get you back to the room, eh?

Madge, I can't believe you thought
I'd look at another woman.

-I thought you were going off me.
- Going off you?

I'll show you how much
I'm going off you.

We're getting married here in Benidorm
before we go back home.


Now, are you in, or are you out?

- I'm in.
- Right, come on.

I don't know about you,
but I need a drink.


Oh, my God!