Benidorm (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript

Florence is so wonderful
this time of year.

You agreed to come here.

I know I did. I'm just saying Florence
is particularly beautiful

this time of year.

It's particularly expensive and all.

We could be in the Bargello Museum now.

I don't go on holiday
to look round stuffy museums.

It's not as crowded
as the Uffizi or the Accademla.

You've got the Renaissance works,
Donatello's St George...

And of course, there are the glazed
terracottas of Luca Della Robbla.

That reminds me. There's a Chinese Elvis
on at the Dog's Bollocks bar tonight,



if you fancy it.

DONALD: Good morning.

- Hiya.
- Hello.

Donald and Jacqueline from last year.

We haven't really spoken properly
since you arrived.

Yeah, well, your luck's got to run out
at some point.

- I'm sorry?
- Nothing.

- Are you enjoying your holiday?
- Well, we were.

Yeah, smashing, thanks.
Are you off home?

- No, no, we're going on a trip.
- Oh.

We wondered if you'd like
to come with us.

- Oh.
- No, we're all right here, thanks.

You could have too much culture
in one day, can't you?

We're going to Alicante
to see a bullfight.



Oh! Dad, I want to see a bullfight!

Please, please, please.
Can we go, please?

- Oh, come on, misery guts, let's go.
- Yeah. Please, dad, please.

You can forget it!

There's five of us, and when Davros
and Dr Who surface, that makes seven.

- I'm not made of money.
- It's all free.

Right, come on.
Let's get all our stuff together.

Honestly, you're tighter than
a fly's ass, you are.

Right, come on.
You take that, I'll get towels.

- Telle, we're going to see a bullfight.
- Oh, God.

Come on, son. Coach leaves
in 15 minutes. I want to get changed.

- I don't think I'm going to bother.
- You what?

Yeah, I think I might just chill out
round the pool, do you know what I mean?

Well, I thought we were going together.

Mum, I'm 37.
We don't have to do everything together.

Back off. Give me some space.

Okay.

- What time will you be back?
- Oh, I have no idea.

But you'll be back for tea?

Well, I don't know.
How long does a bullfight last?

It might not finish till late.

I'm not having me tea on me own.

I thought we didn't have to do
everything together.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Cool.

- I might take a walk into Benidorm.
- All right, see you later.

Yeah, might go to a club and get pissed,
meet some lasses, whatever!

(GURGLING)

Why didn't Coolio's dad
come on holiday with us?

'Cause we didn't invite him.

- I've never seen Coolio's dad, have I?
- No.

Have you?

Well, what do you think?

I don't know.

- Can I be Coolio's dad?
- If you like.

I'm Coolio's dad.

I can't begin to tell you
how many things

are wrong with that sentence, son.

Come on, Telle, are you ready?

I'm not off on a coach trip
with a lot of old fogeys.

Old fogeys? Are you taking the piss?
I'm in me prime.

(SCOFFS)

It's a bullfight, it'll be exciting.

Ooh!

Are you sure you're going to be
all right with baby Coolio?

Yeah, just go.

Ooh, you going to be a good boy
for your grandma? Are ya? Are ya? Ooh!

- Hiya, Mel. You all right, mam?
- No, I'm not.

I've got the runs.

Oh, don't spare us any details,
will you?

We were about to send out
a search party.

We thought you'd done a runner
to Gretna Green.

I couldn't run anywhere in this state.

One false move
and we'll be hosing down this wheelchair

till Bank Holiday Monday.

Oh, bloody hell.
All right, mother.

- And where are you all going?
- We have been invited on a free trip

with the ever fragrant
Donald and Jacqueline.

Madge knows them.

Though I'm not sure you'll
recognise them with their clothes on.

Come on!

Bye-bye, grandma. Bye-bye.

(GURGLING)

The rats are leaving the sinking ship.

- So are we. Come on.
- What are you talking about?

- I booked us on a coach trip. Come on.
- A coach trip? Where to?

- It's a surprise.
- I don't like surprises.

- It's a cultural excursion.
- A cultural excursion? In Benidorm?

Come on, I can see you're excited
really, don't fight it.

The only culture these people have
is between their toes. Wait for me.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to our free Solana's

bullfighting day coach trip.

Our estimated journey
is approximately 40 minutes.

There is no smoking on the coach,
no stops along the way...

I can't believe you didn't tell me
it was a bullfight.

You know my feelings on animal rights.

Kate, who are we to tell the Spanish
how to live their lives?

Bullfighting has been a tradition here
since the mid-18th century.

This isn't a busload of lager louts
off to sing karaoke,

it's a cultural excursion.

(MAN BELCHING LOUDLY)

You were saying?

Have you been
to a bullfight before, dad?

- No, I haven't. It's exciting, isn't it?
- Yeah.

- Have you ever been to a bullfight, mam?
- No. Are you looking forward to it?

Yeah.
How do two bulls have a fight, dad?

It's not two bulls that are having
a fight, it's a man against a bull.

MICHAEL: Oh.

But that's not fair
'cause the bull will win easy.

Well, no, it don't actually.
The man always wins.

Oh.

- How does the man win?
- Well, he's got a sword.

- That's not fair.
- No. No, I don't suppose it is really.

Drink your orange, Michael.

If the man's allowed weapons,
why doesn't he just have a gun?

Erm, 'cause it wouldn't last as long.

If the man always wins the fight,
what's the point in going to see it?

- 'Cause it's free!
- Oh, yeah.

I don't see why I had to leave
my wheelchair behind.

That bloke with the pipes up his nose
was allowed to bring his oxygen.

Don't you worry, my sweetheart.

When we're married,
you'll never have to walk again.

Well, we don't have to
rush into things, do we?

We haven't had a chance
to say congratulations, the pair of you.

Have you named the day?

Sooner the better,
not that you'll be invited.

I've heard all about
what you two get up to.

Oh, have we done something to upset ya?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
having orgies at your age.

Do you mean last year with Madge?

That wasn't supposed to be an orgy,
goodness me.

- No!
- Only a threesome.

Hiya.

- You all right?
- Yeah. Where's your mam?

It's not me mam, it's me PA.

She's gone on a bit of business for me.

She's gone on that coach trip,
hasn't she?

Yeah.

I'm going to get a burger for me dinner.

- Can you keep an eye on me baby?
- Yeah, of course I can.

Do you want one?

Maybe one day.

- But it's a big commitment, isn't it?
- I meant a burger.

Oh, right. Uh...
I'm not really bothered, thanks.

- Well, do you or don't you?
- Yes, please.

- Do you want one or two?
- Just one, I'm not a big eater.

- Well, I'm having two. Do you want two?
- I don't mind.

- How many do you want?
- Three, please.

Right.

Back in a bit.

Do you like the Quo?

Excuse me,
what is your mother doing out there?

Sending bloody smoke signals.

What do you think she's doing?
She's got the runs.

Do you think Madge will be long?
This is the second time we've stopped.

We know it's the second time
we've stopped, we can count.

She needs a couple of doughnuts
to bind her. That usually works for me.

Ah, brilliant.
Well, we'll tell the driver to pull in

to the next funfair we pass.

(GROANING SOFTLY)

Right, put your foot down. We're late.

(DRIVER MUTTERING IN SPANISH)

- You all right, mam?
- Yeah.

I think that was the last of it.

(ALL GROANING)

Come on, Madge, take no notice.

Come here.

Oh, I do feel rough.

Don't you worry, my princess,
you look a million dollars.

Oh.

(FARTING)

Oh!

Here, boy!

(WHISTLING)

MATEO: No smoking in the juice house,
no smoking.

(ALL CHATTERING)

- Dad, where are we going?
- We've got to go in here.

Mateo? Mateo?

Tell José to get in that bullring
and start warming up.

He was pissed as a fart last week
and I don't want any more accidents.

Right, ladies and gentlemen,
before we go into the bullfight,

I'm pleased to offer you
some fabulous fruit juices.

Are the fruit juices gratis?
Only we were told this was a free trip.

All our fruit juices are
entirely complimentary,

along with a free juicing demonstration.

(SIGHS)

The Boost Blaster 2000 is a
revolutionary new extractor

for all your modern juicing needs.

- Free trip, my arse.
- I beg your pardon?

The whole thing is just an excuse to try
and sell us a bloody juice extractor.

Don't be stupid.

For today only, we have a special offer,

discounting the Boost Blaster
to less than half price.

He's right, they're flogging juicers.

No need to buy expensive
fruit juice drinks.

- Simply plug in the Boost Blaster and...
- This is unbelievable.

We've come all this way
to watch someone chop vegetables.

Do you mind?
You keep interrupting me flow.

Come on, let's get moving. Nobody here
wants to buy a frigging juicer.

Where's the bullfighting?

Hold your horses
because I've got to do this for an hour

and I'm only on page one of me script.

An hour? There's not enough air
in this room to last an hour.

This is ridiculous.

Right, there's an easy way
of sorting this out.

Anybody here who wants to buy a juicer,
put your hand up.

- How much did she say they were?
- Oh, shut up, Martin.

(MOOING)

José?

José?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Look, if I don't sell
at least one of these juicers,

then I am not allowed
to take you through to the bullfight.

Here we go. Free bloody coach trip.
What a load of bollocks.

Stand aside, fella. I'll sort this out.

So if you sell one of these,
we can all see the bullfight?

- Yeah.
- Right, I'll take one.

- Certainly.
- How much are they?

- They're €200.
- MAN: Oh, Jesus.

He's frigging minted.

Christina, can you take the money
for the juicer, please?

Right, the rest of you, follow me.

It has got an English plug, hasn't it?

Right, I better get back.

Back to where?

- Over there.
- Oh, yeah.

The other day, your mam...
Sorry, your PA,

offered to babysit for Coolio.

Oh, yeah,
she's a registered childminder.

Ask her if she can look after him
one night this week.

I'm going out for a drink with somebody.

Yeah, no problem.

I could look after him if you want.

You'll have a job, you div.

You're the one
I'm going out for a drink with.

All right.

- Well, don't sound too excited.
- No, I'm not.

I mean, I am excited,
but not excited in a pervy way.

You know, just in the normal way.
I.. I mean...

- Geoff.
- Yeah?

Just make sure you ask your mam.

- Okay.
- See ya.

Yeah, see ya.

MICHAEL: Quick, dad, let's sit here.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

DONALD: Right. A bit empty.

Well, as far as theatrics go,
it's not exactly Miss Saigon.

I'm not watching.

I know exactly how he feels,
this is absolutely disgusting.

I won't be watching
when the bull comes out.

Oh, come on, get the bull out
and stick the fireworks up its arse.

- MICHAEL: Yeah!
- Let's get some action!

- Bull comes out of there.
- He's gonna come out from there?

- Yeah, he comes out of there...
- Go on and get in there.

Oh, Christ, not him. He'll end up
selling the bull a bloody juicer.

(MOOING)

MAN: Him? Is that it?

Ooh!

Ooh, I like the costume.
It's dead sexy, innit?

You'll have to get Donald one of them.

Oh, we've already got
a French maid's outfit.

- Bet you look great in that.
- Oh, it's not mine.

(BULL MOOING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Here we go. Come on, son, get up here.
Make sure you can see, eh?

Is there going to be lots of blood, dad?

I don't know.

Psst.Toro!

(CLICKING TONGUE)

I'm not looking.

Toro! Psst. Psst. Psst.

(CALLING TO BULL IN SPANISH)

(WHISTLES)

(BARKING)

You've got to be joking.

(MAN LAUGHING)

Um, it's okay, you can look.

(BARKING)

MAN: Olé! Olé!

Not quite the bloodbath
we were anticipating.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

MAN 1: Come on, come on.
MICK: Bite him, bite his leg.

Hey! What sort of bullfight
is this meant to be?

It's a free trip. What are you going
to do, ask for your money back?

(BARKING)

MAN 1: Olé! Olé!
MICK: Go on, bite him!

MICK: Bite his arse.

(GROWLING)

WOMAN: Get him! Bite him!

CROWD: Olé!

WOMAN: He's got his shoe!

(ALL CHEERING)

(EXPLOSION)

(MEL MOANING)

What's going on?

- Oh, my God, where's Mel?
- Stay here, Michael.

MADGE: Mel!

Oh, my God! He's dead.

Me husband's dead.

- You killed him with a juicer.
- Oh, my God.

I didn't think they were married yet.

Jesus Christ! Matatoe, get in herel

- Don't just stand there, do something.
- What do you want me to do?

Not with your thumb,
you have to use your fingers, here.

Excuse me.

Here we are, no need to panic,
the sugar plum fairy's here.

There's no pulse.

(ALL GASPING)

Come here, mam.

Matatoe, call an ambulance.

Come on, darling. Come with me.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Fucking hell!

What's happened? What's going on?
Have I missed the bullfight?