Benidorm (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

The Oracle is outraged that a quiz veteran like himself is beaten , more by luck than judgment, by the Garveys in the pub quiz and demands a recount though he doesn't get one. Kate is annoyed that Madge , in whom she has confided about her difficulty in conceiving, has broken her trust whilst Donald reassures Gavin that Troy still loves him.

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"Storage place for jewels",
seven letters?

Scrotum.

1991?

John Parrot.

1985?

Classic. Taylor-Davis final.
Dennis Taylor wins on the black.

Longest Crucible frame ever, 69 minutes.

1977?

John Spencer.

No. Ray...

Reardon! Ray Reardon!



I was just about to say Ray Reardon.
You're putting me off!

How am I putting you off?

- Greek mythology.
- I'm only reading the questions out.

Greek mythology, come on.

NANA: Are you sure it was that one?
The barman?

JANICE: Yeah.
That one serving the drinks now.

- What a waste.
- Doesn't look queer.

MICK: Well, he don't leave his handbag
on the bar in case it gets wet.

And you caught him with
one of them proper queer fellas?

Yeah.

What were they doing?

I don't know.
I couldn't see properly, it was dark.

Well, I think it's disgusting.

Was he bumming him?



Do you mind?
I've got a mouthful of nuts.

Hey, that's probably
what the barman said.

“Troy! Come and join us.
- Hiya.

- Gavin not down yet?
- No, he's not coming down.

Oh. Everything okay?

Not really.
We had a bit of a row last night.

That'll be the heat.

The heat and unlimited alcohol
does strange things to people.

Last year Jacqueline punched me
in the face after a game of gin rummy.

Accused me of cheating.

Now, normally she wouldn't say
boo to a goose, would you?

Oh, no.

You see, people do strange things
on holiday.

I bet you can't even remember
what the argument was about, can you?

- Well..
- Now, you stay here

and I'll go and get him.

It's quiz night tonight
and we need both of you on our team.

- What number are you?
- Twenty-two.

Okay. See you at lunch time.

- Do you play rummy?
- Oh...

- No. No, I don't.
- Aw!

Look, it's quiz night tonight.

Hmm, just when we thought
it couldn't get any better.

"First prize to be awarded by

"Benidorm's number one
children's entertainer, Ronnie Herbert."

- I haven't brought down the sun block.
- Oh, that's okay, I'll get it.

(SPLUTTERING COUGH)

It's okay, I'm a first-aider.

I need that water, please. Thank you.

You okay?

Am I okay? I was smoking that.
What do you think you're playing at?

I'm sorry, I thought it was best
to put it out.

They don't grow on trees, you know.

According to Troy,

he bumped into the barman near the pool
on his way up to the apartment.

He asked Troy to help him
move some crates or something,

and then when he got
behind the pool bar,

- the barman just jumped on him.
- Well, these things happen, don't they?

No, they don't. Not until now.

Listen, I don't know
either of you very well,

but I know a decent person
when I see one,

and you two lads are solid gold,
both of you.

Which is more than you can say
for that shifty sod.

Come on, we need you on our team
for the quiz tonight.

I've always said there's no such thing
as a straight man. It just shows you.

Absolutely. I've always been comfortable
with my sexuality,

but very in touch with my feminine side.

Oh, yes, in the late '60s,
I had an old drinking partner.

Martin "Lucky" James,
big lad, one of these bodybuilders.

We used to go out on the lash,
come back to his mum's in Gallowhill

and Lucky would bugger me senseless.

Great times.

Next.

From which country is Koffee Annan?

Kofi Annan, it's not a beverage.

He's the Secretary of...

I know who he is.
Come on, you know this one.

Ghana.

What are you doing?
I were just about to say Ghana.

- Well, that's all right, then.
- What do you mean, that's all right?

You're supposed to wait
for me to tell you the answer.

But you said you knew it.

Oh, well, that's gonna be great,
then, innit?

When they're reading out
the answers tonight and I say,

"Don't worry about the blank ones I left
because I actually did know them.

"I just couldn't be arsed
to fill them in!"

Well, I'm gonna have a little sleep
if you're gonna be like this.

Oh, brilliant.
Well, don't worry about me.

I said, don't worry about me.

Lancashire Pub Quiz Champion
being beaten by a load of dickheads

because me mum wanted “a little sleep”.
I said...

Unbelievable!

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

The restaurant will be closing
for lunch in 15 minutes, thank you.

Dad, can we go to the beach?
Mam, can we go to the beach?

- No, go and get an ice cream.
- Come on.

What were it called?

- What?
- That stuff.

- Uh, seafood paella.
- That's it. Paella.

That's what they eat here, ain't it,
the Spanish?

I wasn't too keen on all that shite
on the top, were you?

Eh...

I don't usually mind prawns,
but not when they're looking at you.

That rice tasted a bit funny as well.

(MICK SIGHING)

Oh, she's there, me mother,
talking to that posh woman.

She's not that posh.

She's had that same wrap-around skirt on
for three days in a row.

I wonder what she's saying to her.

I said, I wonder
what she's saying to me mother.

She's probably asking
to come and sit with us

'cause she's heard
how scintillating the conversation is.

You wanna talk,
you've not said owt all day.

I'm on me holidays, I'm relaxing.

Hey, have a look.
That other queer fella's back now.

MICK: Mmm.

He doesn't look happy, the fat one.
He does not look happy.

Mind you, you wouldn't do.

Mind you, what does he expect?

Look at that George Michael.

He doesn't mind where he does it,
or who he's doing it with.

He's nicer looking than George Michael,
that barman.

I mean how he is now,
not when he was in Wham!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

I've read the same line on this page
six times!

- What have you done that for?
- Because of you banging on!

- Oh, forget it.
- Where are you going?

Toilet. Don't worry,
if George Michael's in there,

I'll be straight back out again.

Believe me,
you're better off without kids.

- Well, I'm not sure about that.
- I've got seven, all daughters.

Not that you'd know,
you never see sight nor sound of them.

But your daughter
brought you on holiday.

She didn't bring me anywhere.
I brought them on holiday.

Oh, I see.

Well, I think a daughter would be nice.

Well, I'd get cracking if I were you,
you're not exactly 21.

Well, it's...
It's not quite as simple as that.

- Oh, aye? What's wrong with you?
- Not me.

Sorry about that. I eventually
found the bottle, it was empty.

I had to go to the shop.
Not bad really, 8 euros.

Well, I'm not surprised he's
firing blanks with shorts that tight.

He wants to get himself a pair
of them baggy ones they're all wearing,

get some air between his bits,
let them breathe.

Well, it's been very nice
talking to you.

I'd best be off, see what me grandkids
are up to. See you later.

Where is everybody?

Telle and Michael are playing
and Mick's gone to the toilet.

Oh, I wish I could go.
I've not been since Tuesday.

What, to the toilet? It's Friday.

Don't need to tell me that.
I've been counting the hours.

Me mother's not been to the toilet
since Tuesday.

Why, is there no smoking in there?

Don't you think
you should see the doctor?

What, out here? You must be joking.

They won't have any English doctors,
not out here.

I'll wait till I get home, see Dr Kundu.

But Dr Kundu's from Pakistan.

Oh, yeah, but his wife's from Rotherham.

Mam, there's a quiz night on tonight.

Oh, right, lovely.

No, but look, there's a prize
if you win. Can we enter?

- What sort of prize?
- 100 euro, how much is that?

Nearly 70 quid.

Oh, my God! Dad, if we win,
can we go to the beach? Please, can we?

What do you want to go to the beach for?

We've got everything here,
it's all-inclusive.

It's like being in prison.

I know, but if we all enter
as a team and we win,

- can we please go to the beach?
- Christ, if us lot win a quiz,

I'll take you to Disneyland
and make up the money meself.

- Oh, my God! We're going to Disneyland!
- Hey, hey, calm yourself down, you.

All right, if we win,
we're off to the beach. Deal

Oh, my God! Excellent.
Come on, let's go get a drink.

What have you said that for?

We've got as much chance
of winning a quiz

as me mother has
of being classed anaemic.

- Hey!
- I know, so when we don't win the quiz,

that'll be an end to all the moaning
about going to the beach. I thank you.

- Good evening, lads and lasses.
- Good evening.

I said good evening, lads and lasses.

ALL: Good evening!

Once again, welcome to Neptune's

where tonight it's quiz night!

And if you would like to ring my bell,
I do take traveller's cheques.

So if you'd like to sort yourselves out,
get your pens and your papers ready,

the quiz is about to start
in two minutes' time. Thank you!

(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING ON ORGAN)

Are you all right, son?

- I said, are you...
- I'm concentrating.

But it's not started yet.

I know "It's not started yet".
It's me pre-match warm-up.

- Well, your pudding's getting cold.
- Mother, please!

- The liver is very good.
- I don't know what I fancy.

Really? That's not the impression
I got last night.

Gavin, please. I was drunk
and some dodgy Spanish waiter jumped me.

- We should all be laughing about it.
- Oh, yes, it's hilarious!

At least it proves your theory
there's no such...

Oh.

- Oh, my God!
- What?

Oh, look, the cabaret's arrived.

Me thinks the lady doth protest
too much.

Right, who's gonna write
the answers down?

- Me.
- I don't know where me glasses are.

It's all right, I don't think
that's gonna be one of the questions.

- Are we going to do this quiz?
- I don't mind.

Well, you never know, we might win.
Look at the type of people here.

I can't imagine the average score
being very high.

Bit like my sperm count.

(BELL RINGING)

Right, eyes down, look in,

and your first question
for the quiz tonight is

which fictional character lives
at 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging?

- Oh, is that...
- Shut up!

You're taking the piss!

- MICHAEL: Dad!
- Shh.

Is it John Prescott?

- Fictional character?
- Dad.

What sort of question's that?

People on holiday
aren't gonna know that.

Chappy with the moustache.
Um, Freddie Mercury.

- Dad I
- What?

It's Harry Potter.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Hey, hey, bring it on.

(BELL RINGING)

Who first had a hit
with Whispering Grass?

- Oh, it's...

It's them off, um...
It Ain't Half Hot Mum.

No, it isn't. I'll tell you who it is.

Oh, what's his name?
Don something, little tiny bloke.

- The Ink Spots.
- Do you mean the Munchkins?

No, the Ink Spots!

1940, Whispering Grass.
They were your father's favourites.

- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.

Write it down.

- St Winifred's School Choir.
- Oh, he's a genius.

(BELL RINGING)

From which prehistoric period
is the diplodocus?

- Madge?
- I don't know.

Come on, you were bloody
living then, weren't you?

Oh, get off!

So easy.

I think it's Jurassic.

No, it's not Jurassic Park.
Put down the Land That Time Forgot.

No, I've heard it, I've heard it,
I've heard it.

Shut up, I've heard it!

What was the first James Bond film?

I know that one. It's Goldfinger.

Dr. No in 1963.

- Put Goldfinger.
- Do you want to play yourself?

- Well..
- Do you want to ruin this for me?

(BELL RINGING)

Who was Fanny Cradock?

Didn't we do a home movie with her?

No, that was Fanny Nelson.
Friend of Big Eric's from the sauna.

Oh, yes!

She was a TV cook.

Yes, I know, I know.
And now everybody else knows.

- I didn't say it loud.
- Well, try writing it down.

- I didn't say it loud.
- Or whispering.

(MOCKING)

(BELL RINGING)

What was Elvis's middle name?

- Aaron.
- Aaron.

(BELL RINGING)

Who said, "I have nothing to declare,
but my genius.”

Now, if you don't get that,
you're thick.

That's Einstein.

- What's his name?
- Oscar Wilde.

- A bit controversial.
- Oscar Wilde.

-I can see him now.
- Oscar Wilde.

Freddie Starr.

(BELL RINGING)

(BELL RINGING)

(BELL RINGING)

(BELL RINGING)

And the final question,
what is Swahili for "no worries"?

What is Swahili for "no worries"?

- The Lion King.
- The little, the fat pig.

Pumbaa. What's his name?

- Pumbaa, Pumbaa.
- No, no, no, that's a character.

- Telle, Telle, Telle.
- Idi Amin.

# It's a problem-free... #

What is it, Michael? What is it?

- Hakuna matata.
- Oh, yes.

(BELL RINGING)

That's it, put your pens and paper down

and pass your paper to the waiters
as they pass the tables.

Thank you very much.

And our answers to the questions were,
for question one,

which fictional character lived at
4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging,

It was...

ALL: Harry Potter.

Who said, "I've nothing to declare
but my genius,” was?

Oscar Wilde.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I'd like to thank Noreen
for all her support over the years.

I'd like to thank Noreen, my PA,
for all the support over the years.

Albert Einstein once said that...

And what was Swahili for "no worries"?
It was...

ALL: Hakuna matata!

Where have you been?
You've been gone ages.

Toilet.

Well, they've been reading
the answers out.

(BELL RINGING)

A mere formality.

Now the bit you've all been waiting for.

In third place, on 27 points, is

the Pal family from Staffordshire.

Yes!

And in second place, with 29 points,
is Geoff Maltby,

also known as The Oracle.

(WHOOPING)

Second? Second?

Our winners of the quiz tonight,
on 30 points,

from Lancashire, is the Garveys.

Who are you? Who are you? Hey, hey!

You've miscounted.
We both got 30 points, it's a tie!

You had Whispering Grass
as Don Estelle and Windsor Davies.

The answer is Ink Spots.

They both had hits with it.
You've got it wrong!

You've made a mistake!

(CLAMOURING)

- Hey, lad.
- Just give it to me, I'll show you!

- MAN: Get off!
- Give it here!

Hey, gordo, get off the stage.

Get off me! Get off me!

Nobody beats The Oracle!

Get off the stage, fat boy, you lost.

Just admit it, you don't know
everything, okay? Movete coño!

Hey, hey, I might not know everything,
but I know all about you!

You've been shagging everyone!

Him sat there.
Yeah, you sat with Mr Blobby!

- Her sitting down there.
- WOMAN: Hey.

MICK: Bloody hell

Look, he's trying to bum me now.
Get off me, you Spanish poof!

Get off!

I've got his tablets,
he'll be all right.

(GEOFF SHOUTING)

- Muévete ya.
- Get off.

I want a recount.

Come on, we're going upstairs.

Oh, listen, son.

- What?
- You're going to have to calm down.

You're going to make
yourself poorly doing this.

- I'm unbeaten...
- You can't...

...Lancashire Pub Quiz Champion!

Thank you.

Whey!

Pathetic.
"I'm tired! I want to lie down!"

- Yes, well, sometimes I do...
- You're no mother to a champion!

- What do you mean?
- You don't deserve me!

- I spend all my time testing...
- I hope I'm adopted!

We're going to the beach!