Benidorm (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

Kelly, an English girl who works at the hotel, tells her friends Donald and Jacqueline that she is engaged to Mateo. This, however, is not enough to stop Mateo from making a pass at Kate and having sex with her, though she later admits that she was too drunk to remember anything about it. Janice, meanwhile, reconciles herself to becoming a grandmother.

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Excuse me. Sorry, have you got a moment?

- Yeah. What do you want, love?
- Can I talk to you about melanoma?

No. I don't know her, darling.

- I'm sorry?
- I don't know her.

Who?

Melanie... What was her second name?

No. Melanoma.
It's a form of skin cancer.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

Still, if she's on holiday,
it'll take her mind off it, won't it?

- Take whose mind off what?
- Your friend who's got cancer.

- No, my friend hasn't got cancer.
- Well. what's all the fuss about, then?



- No, I'm sorry. Can we start again?
- Oh, I'd rather you didn't, love.

I'm sorry you can't find your friend,
but there's not a lot I can do about it.

I'd give up if I were you, love.

This is the most sense she's made
since we got here.

Well, can I leave a leaflet with you?

- All right, love.
- Okay.

- You all right, mam?
- Yeah. Young lass has lost her friend.

Mind you,
she isn't going to find her with this.

The only picture they've got
is of her spotty back.

- Let's have a look.
- Ew!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CD PLAYER)

The Quo.

- Are you there, darling?
- Coming.

What, again?



Right, well, we've missed breakfast
by a long chalk,

but no matter,
snacks start in half an hour.

Oh, lovely.

You wanna try taking a couple of gobfuls
of air between ciggies, you know.

Nice bit of breakfast that,
this morning.

I thought it'd be all frog's legs
and all that rubbish,

but no, good English fry-up. Very nice.

Mind you, I've got a bit of something
trapped in me teeth.

(SUCKING NOISES)

I think it's a bit of bacon fat.

Yeah, well,
spare us the details, thanks.

- Mam, give over!
- I'm not gonna leave it there, am I?

Why don't you just give your teeth
to our Michael?

He'll give them a swill in the pool.

(LAUGHING)

Where is our Michael?

Oh, look who it is!
It's the belle of Benidorm.

Hello!
It's Mr and Mrs Stewart, isn't it?

Donald and Jacqueline, please.

You remember Kelly from last year,
don't you?

Course I do!
Oh, don't you look smashing?

- Oh, thank you.
- So you've decided to stay on?

Yeah. The money's still rubbish,
but it was worth it.

- Oh, would you look at that!
- Lovely.

Mateo and I are getting married
next year.

- Oh, him.
- Right, well, I'd better get on.

I've got to give these leaflets out
and then start the kid's club, so...

All right, sweetheart. See you later.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Look at the state of that.
Like flies to shite.

There must be a flight to London today.
Will you please check again?

The only flight you'll get today
will cost you 310 euros.

- Each.
- You're joking.

And that's if you can get to Alicante
in the next 14 minutes.

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Um, thank you.

Can't shift that bit of bacon fat.
I think it's bacon fat.

Telle, go and have a look
for our Michael.

- I'm doing summat.
- It weren't so bad when it were salty,

but it's lost all it's flavour now.
It just feels horrible.

Do you mind?
I'm gonna have me dinner in a minute.

- He was here a minute ago.
- It's just stuck there, won't move.

It's at the front and the back.

It's definitely wedged in.

Oh, do you know,
there's nowt more irritating.

I can think of something
more bloody irritating!

Why don't you just take your teeth out
and sort it? Give us all a bit of peace.

I'm not taking me teeth out here.

Well, then, can we not have
the running commentary?

- Well, how long is it gonna be there?
- How the bloody hell do I know!

With your breath,
I'm surprised it's not disintegrated.

You disgust me, do you know that?
You've got the manners of an animal.

Ha! That's a bit rich
coming from someone

who's got half a pig wedged in her gob!

(MICK SNORTING)

- Oh, that's enough.
- Hey, come on. You're on holiday.

- Thanks.
- De nada. Hey, cariño.

- Come on, get your kit off.
- I beg your pardon?

- Coming in?
- I'd rather drink bleach.

Get a gobful of this water,
you'll be drinking more than bleach.

Oh.

Oh!

Ugh, I'm convinced that hideous-looking
woman only gets in to have a piss.

That is a bloke.

Oh, my God!

Excuse me.

When you've got a minute.

Is this your money on the bar?
Oh, no, my mistake.

- Slow Comfortable Screw, please.
- Sorry, boss. No cocktails.

- What do you mean, no cocktails?
- You want beer?

Yes, I'll have a beer.
That'll be easier for you, won't it?

And an orange juice,
if it's not too much trouble.

I hear congratulations are in order.

Sorry, my English very bad.

Yes, when it suits you.

We met Kelly last year, lovely girl.

Oh, Kelly, yeah. She is very beautiful.

Yes, she is. A beautiful girl
and a beautiful person.

We'd hate to see her get hurt.

Nuts?

You keep your nuts to yourself.

Here we are, ladies.
Large vodka and orange.

Hey, good job no one's counting, Madge,

otherwise they'd know
it was your fourth!

Shut up. I'm on holiday.

- Did you see our Michael?
- No, I didn't see him.

- What, and that's it?
- What do you mean?

Our son is missing and
all you can say is I didn't see him?

He's not missing, is he?
He's just not here.

Why don't you go and look for him?

No, you're right. He can't be far.
He'll be back when he's hungry.

Well, I'm off for a wander.
I'll keep an eye out for him.

Where are you going?

I'll thank you to keep that
out of my business, young lady.

Don't you worry. I try and keep that
as far away from you as possible.

(SCREAMING)

Sorry! Sorry!

What about tomorrow!

Well, I don't care.
Gatwick, Stansted, Luton. Anywhere.

Not one seat? No, don't bother.

- Any luck?
- What do you think?

- Another five days in this squalor.
- It's hardly squalor.

Okay, so the room's not up to much,
the food could be a bit better.

And some of the people
are a bit rough around the edges,

but at least the sun's shining.

The room is disgusting,
the food is atrocious,

the people are revolting
and that sun is too hot.

The room is adequate,
the food is basic and the people...

Well, at least
the people are enjoying themselves!

The problem with you is you're
never satisfied with what you've got!

"Alternative to the front entrance,"
four letters.

Anal.

Bastard!

- Are you okay, pal?
- Me batteries have died.

Oh, I see. What size are they?
We've got a few batteries in our room.

Double A?

Oh, no, they're the wee ones,
aren't they?

No, they're quite big, the ones we have.

Mind you, there won't be much juice
left in them after last night.

It's The Barnacle, isn't it?

- The Oracle.
- Oh, yes.

Reigning Lancashire Pub Quiz Champion.
Unbeaten since...

- That's right, great name. The Oracle.
- Or Geoff. I don't mind either.

Good to know you, Geoff.
I'm Donald, this is Jacqueline.

- Hello.
- Yeah, I know. I remember.

Oh, that's right, we spoke before.
You're here with your mum.

Will you and your mum
be going to Neptune's

-for the karaoke tonight, Geoff?
- Oh, aye.

It'll be a good night
tomorrow night as well.

It's Terry Burke, hypnotist,
a personal friend of ours.

Nothing offensive, all good family fun.

Oh, right. Might go to that.
Me mum's seen a hypnotist before.

Yes. I can well believe that.

(SNORING)

- How's your burger?
- Nice.

Enjoying yourself?

- It's only a burger.
- I mean, this holiday.

Yeah, it's good.
Better than being at home, innit?

- I do worry about you, darling.
- What for?

What do you mean, what for?

You're 16 and you're pregnant.
I'm worried about a lot of things.

- How you're gonna cope...
- I'm not getting rid of it!

I'm not saying you should get rid of it.

Me nana said
that if I don't get rid of it,

then Social Services will take it off me
because of me age.

When did you start taking
any notice of the things your nana says?

- Why is me nana so horrible?
- Your nana...

Your nana's had a hard life.

What was me grandad like?

He was a funny bugger. Most men are.

Wasn't he a fisherman or something?

He was a skipper on a boat.
He was at sea most of the time.

Didn't he once bring home a monkey?

- He did, yeah.
- A real monkey?

Yeah. Only a little thing it was.

It ran up the curtains
and peed on your nana's head.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Is that why me nana smells?

# I'm a pink toothbrush
You're a blue toothbrush

# Will you marry me some day?

# I'll be true, toothbrush
Just to you, toothbrush

# If we both use the same toothpaste #

(FEEDBACK ON SPEAKERS)

Thank you very much. Thank you!

- Hola.
- Oh, you surprised me.

Excuse me.
You look very hot and thirsty.

- I offer you Sex on the Beach.
- I beg your pardon?

Vodka, peach schnapps, creme de cassis,
orange and cranberry.

A beautiful long cocktail.

It's a bit early for me.
To drink, I mean. Alcohol.

Okay. I leave this for you.

I go now. I have my break.

Twenty minutes.

Like you, I am very hot today also.

I go lie down on my bed in my room.

I leave the door open because I am hot.

Number 18.

Yes, well, it is very hot today.

I never see you smile.

You are

beautiful lady
and deserve a beautiful holiday.

It is my job to give you one.

I go now for my break in room 18.

NANA: # If they don't mean what they say

# They don't mean...

(COUGHING)

# ...what they say

# Yeah! #

Now that is what
I call a woman in her prime.

Which is more than can be said

for the lounge lizard
that's flirting with her.

Ooh, it's lovely in there.

Aye, I noticed
you were enjoying yourself.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I'll have to keep
an eye on that, won't I?

It's not the only thing
you were keeping an eye on, is it?

Here she is, the only one I've got
eyes for, my beautiful daughter.

- Shut up!
- What have you got all these for?

Me mam said to get a few.

She can't keep going
up and down for drinks.

She is pregnant, you know.

Hey, how about that for timing?
Pass one over.

Where have you been?
We've been worried about you.

- Speak for yourself.
- He found himself a little kiddies club.

Got some little friends now,
haven't you?

Oh, was it good?

Yeah, but then she came in
and started singing and made Jamie cry.

Aw, there's always one
to spoil it for the rest, isn't there?

- There you are.
- Where did you go?

I just went to get a newspaper

and I came back
more or less straightaway.

- Where have you been?
- I went upstairs for a lie down.

I just went upstairs to look for you.
You weren't in the room.

No. I went for a walk first,
then I went for a lie down.

You look hot. Are you feeling okay?

I'm fine. We're in Spain,
it's supposed to be hot.

Yes.

Look, I'm really sorry I shouted at you.

What? Oh, don't be silly.

Let's go upstairs
and get showered and changed.

- We can go for an early dinner.
- What, here?

Well, it's all-inclusive.

We may as well make use
of all the facilities.

Come on.

All together now, ladies and gentlemen.
Just imagine you're on your holidays.

Are you happy, love? Let your face know.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Well, will you look at that?
Just what the doctor ordered.

Jesus, who's your doctor?
Bernard Manning?

- How's your steak?
- Mmm, surprisingly good.

I thought this soup would be tinned,
but it tastes homemade.

- is that good or bad?
- Good.

Jacqueline loves the gays,
don't you, darling?

- Oh, yes.
- What were the names of your friends

who used to buy
the rubber gloves from you?

Jacqueline used to work
in pharmaceutical sales.

Terry and Bernie.

Terry and Bernie,
big strapping lads, weren't they?

Muscles in their spit.

Dead now, but my God,
what a smashing couple.

They were.

Big burly guys, army crew cuts,
big moustaches,

looked like lumberjacks, didn't they?

- Nothing poofy about them. No offence.
- None taken.

You know, I reckon you gays
can teach the straights a thing or two.

- Do you know what I mean?
- What? Fashion sense?

No, no, no, no.
I mean, I don't mean to he graphic,

but there's nothing more a wife can do
to show her husband that she loves him

than by letting him, you know,
park his car round the back.

Yes.

Flowers are nice.

Oh.

Okay, let's get this party started.
And a very, very warm Benidorm welcome

to our first karaoke cab
off the rank tonight,

singing You're the One that I want,

it's Geoff Maltby,
also known as The Oracle,

ah, and his mother!

She's me PA.

Whoo!

# I got chills

# They're multiplying

# And I'm losing control

# 'Cause the power you're supplying

# It's electrifying #>

I know we've not been getting on lately,

and maybe this holiday
was a bit of a mistake.

Maybe... Maybe we won't be able
to work things out.

Maybe we'll decide to call it a day,
but at least for the rest of this week,

nobody’s going to be able to say
I didn't try.

# You're the one that I want
You are the one I want

GEOFF'S MUM: # Ooh, hoo, hoo

# The one that I want:..#

I was going to give you this
on the last day,

but I want you to have it now.

I love you even more
than the day I married you, Kate.

# The one that I want
You are the one I want

# Woo hoo hoo

# The one that I want
You are one I want

I know we can make this work
if we both try.

# Oh, yes, indeed

# You're the one that I want
You are the one I want

It's up to you.

# The one that I want

# Woo hoo hoo

Kate? What is it? What have I done now!

# The one I need
# I need

# Oh, yes, indeed
# Yes, indeed #

Walt, wait. You are okay?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Please just let me go.

I cannot let you go like this.
You are a beautiful lady.

Please do not cry.

- Get off me!
- Wait.

Look, what happened
this afternoon between us was a mistake.

You understand? A big mistake.

But your eyes, I look into your eyes,
they tell me you want Mateo.

It was just sex. You don't know me.

Kelly! This is not what it seems.

You said you wouldn't do it again.
You promised.

Kelly, please, you don't understand.

This woman is mad.
I've never seen her before.

Excuse me!

What I have done may be stupid,
but I am not mad!

Did you see where the ring went?

# You are the one I want
# Woo hoo hoo

# The one that I want
You are the one I want #