Benidorm (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

It's karaoke night at the hotel bar and the Oracle and his mother perform a duet, but that's not the reason Chantelle Garvey faints. When her mother finally opens up the pink coat Chantelle has refused to shed despite the Spanish heat, it is revealed that she is very pregnant.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
I wonder how
that young girl is from last night.

Terrible business.
Can't have been more than 15, 16.

I mean, I've collapsed
doing karaoke as well,

but that was while singing
the last note of Thunderball,

not 'cause I was pregnant.

Now, seven down,
cross-dressing comedian,

first word begins "ED".

Eddie Large.


- When is Telle gonna have her baby, Dad?
- I don't know, son.

Why didn't she tell us
she was gonna have a baby?

I don't know.

- Will the baby be black or white?
- I don't know, son!

Are you only black
if your dad was black?

Not necessarily, look at your nana.


Mick, Mick,
come and open this door for me.

What's that, Madge? What's that?

- Open the door for me.
- I can't hear you!

- Open the door!
- Do you want something?

Come on.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Barron,
but I have to inform you...

Ooh, you've failed your driving test.

I don't know what
you're cracking jokes for.

Your 16-year-old daughter
lying pregnant in the next room.

Is Telle gonna have her baby
while we're here in Spain, Dad?

I wouldn't put it past her.
Anything to ruin my holiday.

Yeah, quite an elaborate ploy
to ruin your holiday, Madge,

her getting pregnant.
Hmm, fair amount of planning involved.

She'll be crippled if it's a girl.
Always big in our family, the girls.

Twelve pound exactly my Janice was.

Olga, the year before,
were ten pound eight.

She'll never cope with that,
lass her age.

No, she'll never walk again
if it's a girl.

Oh, well,
as long as we're not overreacting.


Er, I was watching that.

What are we doing here, Martin?

We're here to spend some time together,
sort things out.

And you thought bringing us here
would help to sort things out?

You must be out of your mind.

Don't be like that.
Just look at the sun.

- Let's enjoy it.
- You enjoy it, Martin.

I'm booking
on the first available flight home.

- Gav!
- Oh!

Breakfast finishes in 10 minutes.

One unnecessary move
and I'll projectile vomit in such a way

as to make Linda Blair
look like an amateur.

I never saw that on Give Us a Clue.

Linda Blair, not Lionel Blair!

- You can put that out.
- You what?

I'm not having my unborn grandchild
breathing that in.

Oh, don't talk rubbish.

I've smoked 40 a day since 1953 and
given birth to seven healthy daughters.

Yeah, six of which wouldn't piss on you
if you were on fire.

By Christ, Mick Garvey, you know how
to twist the knife in a mother's back.

What kind of mother have you been?

There's only Janice still talks to you.

I brought my kids up
the best way I could.

It's up to them
if they don't want to speak to me.

They don't want to speak to you
'cause you're an evil cow.

I'm their mother. I carried
every one of them for nine months.

A mother deserves respect
for that at least.

- Are you all right, Telle?
- What's the smell in here?

Has she still not had a wash? She reeks.

Telle, go and sit down,
I'll get you a drink.

You can pack that in, mother.

- How are you feeling?
- All right.

Why didn't you tell us, love?

Why didn't you tell us?

- I wanted to, but...
- Why do you think?

Sixteen years of age. It's disgusting.
I've never heard anything like it.

It's that black lad from the flats,
isn't it?

Right, that's enough. Out.

- You what? What are you doing?
- Come on, outside.

You've not been in the sun
for 10 minutes, you're starting to fade.

I'm not sitting out there on my own.
I don't know anybody.

Probably a good time
for you to make some friends, then.

I'm not talking to
them two queer fellas.

- You all right, love?
- I'm all right.

Right, do you want to go downstairs?

What am I gonna wear?


TROY: What colour would you say
that little old lady was?

Um, on a Dulux colour chart,
I think you'll find that's burnt sienna.

No, it's darker than that.

Burnt pensioner?

Michael, put that down.
I've told you, I'm not paying for that.

MICHAEL: I want a hot dog.

MICHAEL: Will you get me a lager, mam?

- Come on, love.
- I look a right dick in this.

I'm going back in.

You look fine, come on.

And don't be using that language
while you're pregnant.

Well, you took your time.
Well, here you are.

These nice lads have said
you can have their sun beds.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, you're all right.

We're off out for the day.
I thought we might check out the beach.

There's a beach? Dad, there's a beach.
Can we go to the beach?

Right. Cheers, mate.

Mam, can we go to the beach, please?

See you later, Madge.
Don't stay in the sun too long.

You didn't say there was a beach.
Mam, please can we go to the beach?

What the frig is she wearing?

She looks like that one
from that pop group in the '60s.

What was her name?

Fat lass that died
choking on a sandwich.


- Right, I'm off.
- Telle, come back.

Now look what you've done.

Ooh, look, they're having a barbeque.

Mick, Mick. Mick.

- What?
- Mlck, go get us a hot dog or summat.

What are you doing?
I told you, I'm not staying here today.

I know. We could have one drink here,
then we can go and explore.

- We could go to the beach.
- MICHAEL: I want to go to the beach.

It's too hot.

Right. Um, sun beds.



- God! What are you doing?
- There's no sun beds.

Well, there aren't really any sun beds.
Shall we go?


We may as well stay here now for a bit.
It's too hot to walk anywhere.

Are you feeling okay?
We can get a taxi outside.

I said I'm fine here.

There are two sun beds over there.

DONALD: Martin, Katie.

Over here.

Oh, God!

Has sphincter got an "x" in it?

Hmm, now you're asking. Martin?

- Hmm?
- Has sphincter got an "x" in it?

- Sphincter?
- Mmm.

- Um, an "x"?
- Mmm.

Ah, ah, I honestly don't know.

I have never been to London.

It is cold, yes?

Yes, fairly cold.

We don't see much of the sun in London.

But if the passion of true love lies
burning in your heart,

you don't need the sun.

It's Crawley, actually.

We lived in London for a while,
but we moved for more space.

For children, yes?

No, just more space.


Whoo! Is it hot enough for you?

- Lager please, love.
- Bueno.

Oh, I wouldn't kick that one
out of bed if it crawled in.

Not nice, is it?

How can someone
in that condition possibly smoke?

I know.

It's people like that who end up hogging
hospital beds for months on end,

squandering valuable NHS resources.

- You're right.
- Look at the colour of her.

How can someone who chain smokes
stay in the sun that long?

She's a human time bomb.

She's my mother.

- Oh, I'm sorry...
- No, you're alright love.

She's only happy doing three things,

irritating people,
smoking and getting a suntan.

Isn't she worried about the C word?

No, she's been called
far worse than that.

No, I meant cancer.

Oh, you're kidding, no.
She'll outlive the lot of us.

No, you take my advice, love, never take
your mother on holiday with you.

Well, my mother's got MS,
so probably not.

I sometimes think I've got that.

- You think you have MS?
- Yeah, sometimes.

I read about it in a magazine. A lot of
people think they've got it, don't they?

- Do you mean ME?
- Oh, I don't know.

Which is the one where
you can't be arsed to do owt?

Which one did you say?

I think you mean ME.

it's all lazy buggers cracking on

there's summat wrong with them,
isn't it?

- I think I'm going to dry off.
- Yeah, laters.

It all depends
on how you handle the experience.

I mean, fair play,
it hurts the first time you do it,

but after that the body adapts,
doesn't it, Jacqueline?

Oh, yes.

Katie, you're all wet.

We were just talking about yoga.

You were thinking about that
at one point, weren't you?

I think we will go for that walk.

If you come up
to our room before dinner,

we'll show you a few positions
if you like.

- No, thank you.
- It's impressive stuff.

First time I saw Jacqueline’s
extended triangle, I was lost for words.

What is couscous made from?


- It says here Bob Dylan.
- Wrong page.

- When is Telle going to have her baby?
- I don't know, son.

I know what happens
when you have a baby.

- Go on then, what happens?
- Right, when you have a baby,

you have a baby
and then milk comes out of your tits.


- It does, doesn't it nana?
- Yes, darling.

Although the way that girl eats,
it'll probably be gravy that comes out.

Has somebody been up
to see our Chantelle?

What are you mithering for?

How far gone did they say she was,
six months?

Day my waters broke,
I was up a ladder doing me windows.

Nobody ran after you then.
Mrs Carr next door just thought

I'd wrung me chamois out
and missed the bucket.

Oh, don't talk rubbish.
Right, I'll go and get her a burger.

It's right up there, I think.

No, hang on, it's left.

- How are you feeling?
- I'm all right.

I brought you something to eat.

They're not that nice,
but you can have as many as you like.

Do you want anything else?

- They've got a telly next door.
- Have they?

Yeah, I heard it on earlier.
How come we haven't got a telly?

If you want a telly,
your dad'll get you a telly.

There you go.

Why don't you come down
when you're ready?


- Out tonight, boys?
- Oh, no, I don't think so.

If you change your minds,
they've got free shots at Bruno's Bar,

or if you fancy it,
I've got Sticky Vlcky on at Rockshots.

- Who's Sticky Vicky?
- Magic act.

You know how most magicians
pull rabbits and what have you

-out of a top hat?
- Yes.

Well, Sticky Vlcky
pulls it all out of her fanny.

- Is that a joke?
- No, see for yourself.

Now then, these two tickets here
will get your first drinks free.

But if I were you, I'd have more
than one drink before you see her.

She's got to be
well into her 60s this year.

Cracking act, though. Out tonight, kids?

- That's got to be a joke.
- I'm gonna be sick.

It looked a lot closer on the map.

"Not content with being frozen in ice
and buried alive,

"modern-day Houdini David Blaine
recently tried

"to break the world record
for holding his breath underwater."


Do you want another drink, son?

Read that last bit again.

"Not content
with being frozen in ice..."

They've got sea lions
that play musical instruments

and an elephant
that can stand on it's head.

Do they have chairs?

- Sorry?
- Do they have chairs to sit on?

Sorry, we should have taken a taxi.

Oh, well, I bet the sun
isn't shining like this at home.

Another day in paradise.


How's your little girl?
Hope you don't mind me asking?

No, no, she's all right, thanks.
She's just taking it easy.

Yes, yes, quite right.

Will you be down Neptune's later?

It'll be a good one,
it's Mal Jolson tonight.

- Mal Jolson?
- Tribute to the South.


Ah, yes, great act.

Personal friend of ours,
known him for years.

He's very big on the Costas.
Blanca, Brava.

Quite big in other places, too,
if you know what I'm saying.

He's a big lad, all right. Mmm.

Big old boy, he is.

Big, big lad.


Big old penis.

Oh, yeah. wife can't get enough of him.

Do you mean you let him shag your wife?
Is that what you mean?

Well, when you've got
prime steak indoors,

why let your friends
eat burgers out in the cold?


I don't think my mates are that hungry.


Oh erm...

- How did I do?
- One minute 10.

- What was the record again?
- Nine minutes.

Maybe you shouldn't have had that pizza.

Five hours. Five hours lost
in a Spanish animal park.

I'm sorry.
I had no idea the place was so big.

Come on, let's get a taxi back.

No, you don't. I need at least one drink
before I can face that place again.

Well, hang on, let's have a drink here.
This place looks all right.

At least away
from that vile, disgusting place,

I know this holiday
can't possibly get any worse.

# He's got the whole world in his hands

# He's got the whole world in his hands

# He's got the whole world in his hands

# He's got the whole world in his hands

# He's got my brothers and my sisters
in his hands

# He's got my brothers and my sisters
in his hands

# He's got my brothers and my sisters
in his hands

# He's got the whole world
in his hands #

You all right, darling?

Let me know if you want anything else,
you're eating for two now.

No change there.

- You know what I like about you, nana?
- What?


Where have you been?

Come on, you lot,
get that down your necks.

After this,
we're all going back to the apartment.

I am not going back there yet.

Because we're going to have
a night in in front of

the telly!

We've got a telly?
Dad, have we got a telly?

We certainly have, son.

Mam, we've got a telly.

No, it's not a joke.

We first heard about Sticky Vicky
in the late '80s,

but I don't think she was a young girl
when we heard about her.

I'd have thought she'd retired by now.

She's well into her 60s, apparently.

Perfect age.

All this rubbish about a woman being
at her sexual peak in her 40s,

try telling my Jacqueline that.

Mind you, pulling a bunch of flowers
out of the old dead-end street

twice a night
must make her a wee bit baggy.

I don't think I'd be much use to her.

But I know a man who would.

# ...the whole world in his hands


I'm sorry.
I was just as offended as you.

I didn't know where to look.
I'm so sorry.

Don't touch me.

Not only have you brought me on
the most disgusting holiday from hell,

I now, thanks to you,
have to live with the indelible image

of a 60-year-old woman standing naked
with one leg on a chair

whilst pulling the flags of all nations
out of her vagina!


How long was that?
That must have been longer.

You forgot to press start again,
didn't you?

I'm sorry, son.

- Do you want some crisps, mam?
- No, I'm all right, love.

Do you want some crisps?

- Okay, you ready, you lot, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Are you ready? Turning it on.
- Here we go.

Right. okay. Here we go.


Are you happy now?


- Oh!
- You're joking.

- God.
- Come on.

Typical! He's broken it already.

Well, don't think
I'm gonna pay for that.

Hang on a minute, what's this?

It's a meter.
They've got a bloody coin meter on it!

Kate, please, will you just talk to me?

What more can I say?
I've said I'm sorry.

Oh, you're sorry, you're sorry.
You're always sorry.

- Kate, are you all right?
- Where's the television?

Do you fancy a game of rummy?

"1 euro, 30 minutes." All-inclusive?
The robbing Spanish bastards.

- Mam, have you got any change?
- You can frig off.

I'm off back to watch Al Jolson.

MICHAEL: But I wanna watch telly.

I mean, I only knew her
when she was a man. That's the thing.

So I threw the money
on the bed and I said,

"That's the last time
I go to Pontefract."