Benidorm (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

Ageing swingers Donald and Jacqueline Stewart return to the Hotel Solanas in Benidorm for another holiday. New guests this year are middle-aged virgin Geoffrey, who calls himself the Oracle because of his quiz general knowledge, with his mother - or P.A. as he terms her - gay couple Gavin and Troy, young marrieds Kate and Martin who have been going through a sticky patch, and the Garvey family. Lazy Mick and his long-suffering wife Janice have a lippy teenaged daughter Chantelle and inquisitive little son, Michael. Janice's sun-burnt, chain-smoking mother Madge, who rides around on a mobility scooter has paid for the holiday for them all. Janey York is the jolly if half-hearted holiday rep and then there is Mateo, a sexy young waiter with an eye for the ladies. . . Kate in particular.

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Kate, I said I'm sorry.

Well, there's not a lot we can
do about it now, is there?

Well, there is. I could apologise
for shouting at you, which I have,

and you could forgive me
and we could try and enjoy this holiday.

I don't think being sarcastic is
really going to help, do you?

No.

MAN: I can't breathe.

- Janice, I said I can't breathe.
- Okay.

Okay? What do you mean, okay?
Are you taking the piss?

I said I can't breathe.
I could be dying.

- Well, you're not, are you?
- How do you know?



(HACKING COUGH)

Christ's sake.
Have you heard me mother next door?

- She probably is dying.
- Aye, fingers crossed.

Oh, I am sweating cobs, I'm telling you.
I can't breathe, I'm so hot.

For fuck's sake!
Will you either get up or shut up?

My head's banging
like a shithouse door in a gale.

Nobody forced you to drink
a bottle of Baileys on the plane.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

- No, it's too hot.
- Right, that's it! Get out! Out!

All right, all right. Calm down.

- Do you want owt from shops?
- Sun cream, we didn't get any.

Yeah, all right.

Mam, do you want owt from the shops?

(HACKING COUGH)



Are you all right, Madge?

I need to buy some sun cream.
It's for the kids.

KID: Mam, I'm hungry.

Do you want owt from shops?

Mam, have you seen me flip-flops?

I think she's swallowed them.

- Telle, get up!
- I'm up!

- Oh, my God, just look at the people!
- Chill out, Gavin.

Don't tell me to chill out.

I told you we should have gone
for named apartments.

You don't get £200 each
all-incluslve with named apartments.

Come on, let's have some breakfast.

That's if there's any left after
these fat pigs have been at the trough.

Ooh, hark at the Slimcea girl.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Donald Stewart.
This is the wife, Jacquellne.

Do you mind if we join you?
The Germans will be down in a minute,

and the females can be
a bit whiffy this time of a morning.

I've nothing against
overweight women per Se,

but not when they smell of sausage.

- I'm Martin, this is Kate.
- Good to know you.

- Are you poolside?
- Poolside?

Does your apartment overlook the pool?

No, apparently we're overlooking the
wheelie bins and our room's not ready.

Oh, God, 1 to 26.

Check your toilet when you get in,
they don't flush.

- When were we there?
- 96.

We got here at 3:00 in the morning
and Donald went to spend a penny

and there was a shite looking up at him
the size of a tuna baguette.

Terrible. would not flush.

We had to sleep
with the balcony door open.

We got to the Wednesday

and Donald had to tackle it himself
with a pointed stick.

Did you try the black pudding?
It's very good.

Capital of Chile?

Santiago.

Capital of Ethiopia?

Addis Ababa.

The capital of...
Oh, can we have a break, son?

What's wrong with you?
This is educational.

I know.
It's just that me eyes are hurting.

Aye. All right.

Here we are, what about presidents?

Do you want to test me on presidents?

(SNORING)

Unbelievable!

(WHALE SOUNDS)

Right. Are we all ready?

Did you know Vanessa Feltz
is going out with a black man?

Come on, Telle, are you gonna take
your coat off? We're in Spain, love.

- Where's me dad gone?
- Big black fella.

I always thought she was Jewish.

Come on, love, it's boiling outside.
You'll feel sick in that.

Michael, get a move on.
We're going outside.

Just shows, you can never tell, can you?

- Are you ready?
- I've been ready since seven.

Michael, what are you doing?
Christ almighty!

Give me that!
Get in there.

Mam, what have I told you about
leaving your lighters lying around?

Oh, that's right, blame me.

I'll be dead soon,
you can blame me for that as well.

We'll all be dead if he doesn't stop
frigging around with your lighters.

I'm not the only one
round here that smokes.

- Fuck off, you smelly witch.
- Hey, that's enough from you, lady.

Your nana doesn't smell.

Well, I'm off. I'm not sitting here
listening to that filth.

I'm gonna get some sun.

Is that what you're going to be
doing this holiday? Reading?

Well, some of it.

Some of what?
Some of the book or some of the holiday?

Some of the book, some of the holiday,
I should imagine.

Don't be smart, Martin.

No. No. No. No!

Martin, Katie!

- What are you doing over there?
- Hi.

For God's sake, man,
you'll be in the shade come one o'clock.

Over here. Over here.

What are you doing?

They seem nice.

- Frig me, it's boiling.
- Lovely that, bit of sun.

- Mam, I'm hungry.
- We're gonna get something to eat now.

- It's too hot.
- Don't you start.

(KID SHOUTING)

Take that coat off.

- Nobody here cares how fat you are.
- Mother!

- Where's Mick? He's been gone ages.
- He'll be all right.

I don't give a frig if he's all right
or not, I've only got 10 cigs left.

- I'm off in the pool.
- Michael be careful.

- Are you gonna take that coat off?
- Piss off!

Hey, I've warned you!

You know what'd happen if I
spoke to my grandmother like that?

Nothing, she's dead.

Mam, help!

Mam!

Oh, my God!!
Mlchael! Jesus Christ!

Mam!

Oh, mam, mam, mam

Mam!

Here, bring him here.

What do you think you're doing?
I told you to be careful

He'll have ruined
that football top I bought him.

- Are you all right?
- It's rubbish here.

Of course he's all right.
He's just playing slily beggars.

Ooh, you're a big, fat lad, aren't you?

Ooh, sorry!

You're all right.
Great minds think alike.

Not bad for three euro.

Oh, aye, love.
It's all cheap as chips out here.

- The name's Mick, by the way.
- Is it now?

Hey, do you think
I'd get away with these, hmm?

- I think you should wear the gold ones.
- Oh, and why is that?

They'd match your wedding ring.

I mean, you won't find

a more broad-minded couple here,
will they, Jacqueline?

Oh, no.

A friend of mine, Jim Turner, army lad,
six foot three,

known him 35 years, last year
he turns round to me and he says,

"Donald, I want to be a woman."

I said, "You go for it, son.

"I don't know where you'll get shoes
to fit you, but you go for it."

You only live once.
Grasp the nettle with both hands.

You know what I'm saying?

Absolutely.

Television heart-throb,
five and eight.

Bruce Forsyth.

Oi, oi! Fill your boots.

Where have you been?

The hunter has returned
with food for his hungry family.

Get off!

You wanna see it out there, it's mental.
It's like Blackpool with sun.

Oh, he's been up to no good.
I know that look on a man's face.

I had it for 30 years with your father.

Oh, dear, did the washing-up liquid
on your wheels not work?

I thought you'd be trapped
under your chair in the deep end by now.

Here, do you want 'em, Madge?
Do you want 'em?

Fetch!

I've been nowhere near that pool,
but your son has.

Fell in and nearly drowned,
and where were you?

It were brilliant, Dad!
You should have seen me, I nearly died!

She pushed him in.

You wanna be careful how many of those
hot dogs you eat or that coat won't fit you.

Right, that's enough.
So where have you been?

You know where I've been.
I've been to the shops.

What, and that took an hour and a half?
Where is this shop, Fleetwood?

- This sun cream's half empty.
- Yeah, well, it were half price.

- And where did you get them flip-flops?
- I hope you didn't use my money for 'em.

No, I didn't. I just found them outside.

I want to go outside.

- Is it really like Blackpool, Dad?
- You're going nowhere, son.

- You're staying in here.
- Why?

Because out there
you've got to pay for stuff.

Whereas in here, it's all free!

(ALL LAUGHING)

So then what happens is they cut
down the length of the penis,

take out all the gubblns,
the bits in the middle,

and poke that flappy shaft back up,
making an artificial vagina.

(WHALE SOUNDS)

WOMAN: Mateo.

Oi, room 26.
They're over there with their suitcases.

Today!

Afternoon.

Donald Stewart, and that's my wife
over there, Jacqueline.

No reasonable offer refused.

- I'm The Oracle.
- Oh, right. What's that, nickname?

Reigning Lancashlre Pub Quiz Champion.
Unbeaten since 1993.

Oh, right. Smashing.

- You here with the wife?
- No.

- Me mum.
- Oh, I see.

(SNORING)

Is she okay?

Yeah. She always looks like that.

Gracias, senor.

Sorry, no cash. All-inclusive.

- I'll give you later?
- Okay.

(DRILLING OUTSIDE)

Oh, God!

We've waited all morning for this?

It's fine. We're not going to be
spending much time in here anyway.

No, we're not.

- Kate, are you okay?
- Get off me.

I didn't want to come here
in the first place.

My mother was right.
It's time apart we need, not together.

I thought I might have a swim.

There's a bar in the pool.

Martin, just because the drinks
are included on this so-called holiday,

doesn't mean you have to go mad.

Everyone likes a drink,
nobody likes a drunk.

Well, what if I go for a swim,
but don't have the drink?

Oh, do what you want.

Okay, well you get some sleep.

Here, lock the door after me.

Martin!

- Have you ever tried home brew?
- No.

I've got a couple of demi-johns
of barley wine in the conservatory

that'll be vying for my attention
when I get home.

Yes, a few of the lads round,

open a few bottles of home brew,
loosen up, you know what I mean?

Me mam doesn't like
having a lot of people in the house.

Oh, really?
I'm very lucky in that respect.

Jacqueline is very accommodating.

Very accommodating.

Ah, yes, night before we flew out,

I had six of the lads round,
the crazy gang.

All big lads, you know.

The thing is, if you've
got a beautiful wife,

to me it would seem churlish
to keep her to yourself.

Mind you, at the end of the night,

her vagina looked like
a pair of padded coat hangers.

I had to pay for extra leg room for her
on the plane.

I'd best check on me mam.

Yep, make sure she's still breathing.

Oi!

- What time is it?
- Half past six.

Where's the key?

Shit!

No wonder these Spanish
have a kip in the afternoon.

- It's called a siesta.
- Dad, can I have a siesta?

Course you can son, it's all-inclusive.

Nana?

(SNORING)

Come on, Gladys.
How long are you going to be?

We're missing all the free booze.

I thought
we were going into the old town.

I'm not wasting these new jeans
on a room full of pikey breeders.

All sitting in their Primark clothes
singing country and western songs

while they force-feed their boss-eyed
ginger kids buckets of Turkey Twizzlers.

Oh, come on,
you make it sound so much fun.

They do a proper dinner in this bar,
don't they?

Yes, they do,
and it's all free so get a move on.

Hey, not too many
Turkey Twizzlers for you

or you won't get into them jeans
by the end of the week.

Come on.

Oh, I think not.

Have I got your nose? Eh?
Have I stolen your nose? Look.

Oh, God, me mam!

Shit!

Nana's dead!

I can't believe you didn't bring her in!

Oh, yeah, 'cause you really missed her
when you were getting ready, didn't you?

What if me nana's dead?

Can we still go to the pub?

Mam?

Mam, can you hear me? Oh, God.

Mam, I'm really sorry. Mam.

Oh!

What do you think you're doing
creeping around in the dark?

I nearly shat meself.

What time is it? Where have you been?

We haven't been anywhere. we just...

we just thought
you'd want to get the last of the sun.

The last of the sun?

It's pitch black!

Come on, I need a drink.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

and welcome to Neptune's Bar.

You must remember to wear your
all-inclusive wristbands at all times,

remembering Neptune's motto...
If you want to get pissed...

ALL: ...then show 'em your wrist!

Also tonight at Neptune's
we have karaoke night,

and if you want to join in the fun,

you will find pen and paper
at the front, so don't be shy.

Come up and put your name down there.

Also, ladies and gentlemen,
we have our lovely...

I'm not sitting next to Benny Hlll.

Did you see them by the pool?

His wife's got a bigger packet than me.

What about something vegetarian?

There's veggie lasagne.

Or what about a baked potato?
You'd be fine with that.

Good scran that, innit?

My liver was black.

You're all right,
it'll match your lungs.

Where were you? In my day you had to
ask permission to leave the table.

Are you still alive?

That's enough, you two.
You're not spoiling tonight.

We've had a lovely tea and
now we're gonna get rat-arsed for free.

- Wey-hey!
- Hey, what a holiday.

NANA: Hey, let's not forget
who's paid for this holiday.

- Not much chance of that.
- Thanks, mam.

Right, boys and girls, first cab
off the rank tonight for our karaoke is

Chantelle singing
You Raise Me Up.

Come on, Chantelle.

Go on, our Chantelle.
Go on, girl!

Come on, Chantelle.

Come on!

Do you want to take your coat off,
darling? It's hot up there, you know.

- No, I'm okay.
- All right, sweetheart.

Chantelle, ladies and gentlemen.

What's she gonna do?
What's she gonna do?

# When I am down

# And oh, my soul so weary

- Aah.
- Shh.

# When troubles come

# And my heart burdened be

# Then I am still

# And wait here in the silence

# Until you come and sit...

I know we're not the perfect family,
and I wouldn't want that,

but I am so proud of all of you.

And I really think
this is going to be a lovely holiday.

Aah.

Hiya, Mick.

Good job you didn't wear those
gold flip-flops, we'd have clashed.

Who the fuck is that?

Do you want a pizza?

Oh, here we are, prawn salad.

If I ask them to do it
without mayonnaise?

Kate, do you want the prawn salad?

No, Martin, I don't want a prawn salad.

Well, what do you want?

I want a baby.

We've been through this.

You know I can't give you a baby.

Then I want a divorce.

I said, who the fuck is that?

- I've no idea!
- Well how does she know your name?

Who is she, Derren fucking Brown?

# You raise me up

# So I can stand on mountains

# You raise me up...#

- It's all right, she's just fainted.
- Excuse me, it's me daughter.

Telle, Telle, can you hear me, darling?

- Take her coat off, she'll be roasting.
- Get off her, you!

Are you all right love?

(GASPS)

Oh, my God, she's pregnant!

Didn’t you know she was pregnant?

Mateo, ambulance quick, come on.

- She's only a child.
- Let's get her coat off.

It's all right, darling, I'm here now.

Just breathe, Telle. Breathe in and out.

- Ring us, Jan. Ring us.
- I've no money.

I suppose
I've got to pay for that as well.

Will you leave it, Madge?
Please leave it.

It's a fine way to start the holiday.

JANICE: Put your foot down now, Pedro!