Benidorm (2007–…): Season 0, Episode 0 - Summer Special - full transcript

VICAR: Mel and Madge
have been lucky enough

to find each other
during life's closing number.

This must have cost him a fortune.

Don't worry. There's plenty more
where that came from.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I'm pregnant.

But we were told
I couldn't give you a baby.

(KATE LAUGHS)

(MAN SCREAMING)

(MEL EXCLAIMS)

(MADGE EXCLAIMING)



Are you all right?

(MAN SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!

- Get that vicar here now.
-Who are you?

You remember Madge, don't you?

(MEL EXCLAIMS)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

JANICE: Jesus!

- MICHAEL: Dad!
-I was trying to get his memory back!

Lock him up
and throw away the bloody key.

Get that little shit away from my wife!

I love you!

MADGE: I'll get you! I will!

(SIRENS WAILING)



How many times have I told you?
It was a mistake.

You're not even listening to me.

Is it far? I am bursting for the bog.

I'm serious,
I think I'm gonna wet meself.

Can you just pull your seat
forward a bit?

I can't feel me legs.

(POLICEMEN CONTINUE CHATTERING)

All right, ignore me, then,

but If I pee meself in your car,
on your head be it.

(MICK GASPS)

Shit!

SIGHS

(SIREN CONTINUES WAILING)

(MADGE CRYING)

Mother. Come off the road. Come on.

Oh, dear, Madge looks pretty upset.

Yes, it might have something to do
with the happiest day of her life

ending with her husband-to-be
being drop kicked

by a flying Yorkshire pudding

potentially making her a widow
before she's even got married.

I think he's from Lancashire.

I remember our wedding day.

I was waiting outside the church
for over an hour,

and, then, eventually,
Donald turned up on a white horse

wearing a full suit of armour!

That must have been a strain.

Oh, no, I knew he'd turn up.

I meant for the horse.

KATE: Do you think
there's anything we can do?

Absolutely not. They created their
own mess, they can sort it out.

- Martin!
-Right now,

I've only got two priorities.
My wife and our child. Come on.

Pardon me. Coming through.
Excuse me. Thank you.

(MADGE CONTINUES CRYING)

Mother, calm down.
Listen to me, calm down!

- Oh, my God!
-Is she all right?

Oh, yeah, she's fine, just look at her.

(MADGE CRYING)

You know what it is? She's hysterical.

She needs something to shock her,
like a slap in the face.

- I'll do it.
-You, stay where you are.

Mother, will you please listen to me?

What am I gonna do?

This is supposed to be
the happiest day of my life!

Well, look on the bright side,
it can't get any worse.

Do you need a lift anywhere?

Will you go away?

I didn't mean to interrupt your wedding.
Congratulations, by the way.

Congratulations?
Are you taking the piss?

- Janice, I've said I'm sorry.
-Will you just leave us alone?

(MADGE SOBBING)

Excuse me, love, we need to get a taxi.

- Of course, follow me.
-Yeah. Taxi.

Just a minute. Telle, take Coolio
and Michael back to the apartment.

I wanna go with you to get me dad.

- Well you can't!
-Shall we take them back with us?

Oh, yes, please, darling, thank you.

Oh, yes, that's it, send the kids off
with Fred West and his wife,

that's the last you'll see of them.

Mother, will you calm down. Come on.

- Go with Mr and Mrs...
-Stewart.

Go on!

Are you coming back to the apartments?

Well, I think I'd better
look for me son.

Oh, God, yeah! Is he still out there?

- GAVIN: I can't see him.
-Oh, he'll be fine.

I'll wait around for a bit,
he'll turn up.

You know what kids are like!

Okay. See you later.

Kids? He's about 46.

(SIREN WAILING)

All right.
Get your dirty Spanish hands off me.

I can walk by meself!

(MICK EXCLAIMS)

It's people like you that give
the British a bad name in Benidorm.

I'm not drunk,
I've just got a cramp in me legs!

They wouldn't let me go to the toilet.

(MICK EXCLAIMING)

(MATEO WHISTLES)

- Oh, no, no, no...
-Oh, no! No!

Excuse me, we need this taxi.

- I think not.
-MADGE: Come on.

Shift yourselves out of there,
we've got to get to the hospital.

I'm sorry, this is our taxi,
you'll have to find another one.

Martin, let them have it.

I said I can walk back
to the apartments.

- Oh, thank you, love.
-Absolutely not.

You're not walking anywhere.

Besides, we're not going
to the apartments.

Where are we going?

- My husband's dying.
-My wife is pregnant!

Don't look at me.

Oh, brilliant!

Here we are, there's a car there.

JANICE: That's not a taxi.

Doesn't matter,
we'll tell him it's an emergency

and we need the use of his vehicle.

Mother, who do you think we are?
Cagney and Lacey?

Come on.

Excuse me, love,
we need you to give us a lift.

We were wondering if you could help us.

My mother's husband has just been
knocked out by a man on a parachute,

and my husband's been arrested.

We need to get to the hospital
and the police station.

(AIR HISSING)

Can you help us?

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

- Oh, thank you.
-Hospital first.

Let's get a move on.

(MADGE GRUNTING)

Hey, listen, I am not sure
this is such a good idea.

I think I can see a taxi.

Frig off, this is free.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

(FRENCH SONG PLAYING)

(VENTILATOR OPERATING)

(MACHINE BEEPING)

(MEL GASPING)

(MACHINE BEEPING CONTINUOUSLY)

(MEL GASPING)

You can't do this to me.
I've done nothing wrong!

You can't keep me here
without charging me with summat.

I know me rights,
I've watched every episode of Columbo.

(LOCK CLICKING)

Well, as soon as I get out of here,
I'm going straight to the papers.

Oh, yeah, don't you worry,

this is an International incident now.

"Free the Benidorm One!"

Come on, Janice, love, where are you?

(POLICEMEN CHATTERING)

I can't believe me dad's been
put in prison for punching Mel.

I can't believe somebody doesn't
punch him every day. He's a right dick.

Well, we know he was trying to
help him but it is technically assault.

No, I'm with you. I've wanted to
give him a good slap all week

just for wearing that thong.

Gavin!

They won't put him in prison,
they'll just have to question him

and then they'll probably let him off
with a caution, maybe a small fine.

Thank you Judge Judy!-

Here we go, cocktails for us,

squash for the kiddies.

(INAUDIBLE)

What's a caution?

It's where the police say to your dad,
"Okay, you shouldn't have done that,

"but we know you didn't really mean it,

"so we're just gonna
tell you off this time."

Oh, I don't think he'll
get away that easily.

He really knocked his block off,
didn't he?

I mean, if he's actually killed him,

they'll lock him up
and throw away the key.

MICHAEL: Granddad's dead,

(JACQUELINE EXCLAIMS)

and now me dad's gonna die in prison!

(MICHAEL SOBBING)

Was it something I said?

Come on. Put your foot down.
We haven't got all day.

Put your seat belt on, mother.
We've had enough accidents today.

Hey, I've been meaning to ask you.

Who was that young lad on the beach?

- What young lad?
-Good looking lad in white

who was shouting after you.

Couldn't quite hear what he was saying.

I don't know.
Must have got the wrong wedding.

You must think I come down
with the last shower.

- You what?
-I know exactly who he is.

He's that lad that served us
in that bar the other day,

then he came to see you in Neptune's
on the pretence we'd lost some money.

Then you followed him outside.
Gone for quite a while weren't you?

Don't be ridiculous,
I just gave him his money back.

(EXCLAIMING)
You gave him more than that.

Have you completely lost the plot?

"Just one more kiss. I've got me car,
we can go anywhere you want!"

- So much for your bad hearing.
-So you admit it?

- I don't admit anything.
-You don't have to,

It's written all over your face.

Yes, I'm embarrassed that
that young lad fancies me,

but do you honestly think that I...

What's wrong?

Where are we?

Oh, my God!

Excuse me, love,
we wanted to go to the hospital.

Oh! He's coming round.
Will the doctor be here soon?

Oh, son! Can you hear me?

It's your mother, can you hear me?

'Course I can hear you, you daft cow,

you're shouting about
an inch away from me ear.

Oh, I have been worried about you.

The people at the parachute ride
said you'd crash-landed

and nearly wiped out
a family of Germans.

Son, you have to rest.

It's taken the wind out of you.

- Is that Mel?
-Yeah.

- You nearly killed him as well.
-Oh, my God!

Yeah.

It's been a funny kind of a day.

(GEOFF GROANING)

Geoff, what you doing?
You can't get out of bed.

Wait until you've seen a doctor,
you might be paralysed.

Mel, I don't know
if you can hear me, but...

It's Geoff. I'm really sorry.

(STUTTERING)
I didn't mean to land on you.

Me parachute just got out of control

which is unusual, 'cause, actually,

I'm East Lancashire's Indoor Paragliding Champion,
three years unbeaten.

Anyway, listen, mate,

you're gonna pull through, all right?

Just hang on in there

and, believe me,
you're gonna pull through.

Oh, baby Jesus, don't let him die!

A young man in his prime,
his whole life ahead of him.

It's not fair, it's just not fair.

Why didn't you take me?

Dear God in Heaven,
why didn't you take me?

Don't upset yourself, son.

(MEL CHOKING)

Yes! Yes! That's it!

Give him life!
Oh, sweet Lord, give him life!

(GEOFF EXCLAIMING)

- I think he's choking.
-Shit!

Come, on mate, you're all right.

Big breaths,

big, deep breaths.

(MEL GASPING)

That's it.

You!

- There's no need to thank me.
-Thank you?

Bloody thank you? Come here.

(GEOFF CHOKING)

Mel, what are you doing?

Mel! Mel, I can't breathe!

(ALARM SOUNDING)

I know you can't breath,
that's 'cause I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna bloody kill you!

(MEL GRUNTING)

(DOCTOR SIGHS)

- So, Mr Widdle.
-Uh, Weedon.

As requested, I have given your wife
a full physical examination

and I can assure you she is
100% fit and healthy to fly.

- I am in the room, you know.
-Shh.

MARTIN: Right,
and it won't affect the baby?

What baby is this?

My wife is pregnant.

If there is one thing I am certain of
it's that your wife is not pregnant.

No, I'm sorry,
there must be some mistake.

You mean this is not your wife?

No, this is my wife and
we already know she's pregnant.

I just wanted to make absolutely certain
that she is fit and healthy to fly.

Pregnant women fly all the time,

however, your wife
will not be one of them.

But the other doctor said that you were.

Well...

Mrs Widdle, did you supply this
other doctor with a urine sample?

- No.
-DOCTOR: I see.

So, on what medical facts
did he confirm this pregnancy?

Well, I said I'd been feeling
sick and tired,

and he said...

He said what?

He said, "Don't go any further,

"I can tell just by looking at you
that you're pregnant."

You met a doctor
who could tell you were pregnant

just by looking at you?

My goodness, now I feel such a fool
for investing in all this equipment.

I said it was impossible what with
my husband's low sperm count,

but he said he had a gift,

and in 20 years of being a doctor,
he'd never been wrong.

Tell me just how low
is your sperm count?

Anything under 20 million per millilitre

and it is highly unlikely that you
would be, how you say, up to the job.

Um...

(SOFTLY) It's three million.

I'm sorry?

Three million.

(LAUGHING)

Three million!

My goodness!
As far as a baby is concerned,

as Les Dennis used to say in
Family Fortunes;

"If it's up there,
I'll give you the money myself!"

(DOCTOR LAUGHING)

You are okay?

I've been handcuffed,
locked-up, interrogated,

and intimately strip-searched for drugs
by a short man with big hands.

Would you be okay?

Your wife, she is not here?

No, Madge has probably
dragged her to the hospital.

No, I just called the hospital,
they are not there.

(SIGHS) Well, where are they, then?

Let us go back to the Solana.
They are most probably there.

- Jump on.
-Aye, all right.

Put your arms around me.

-(SCOFFS) No chance.
-Okay. Suit yourself.

(MICK EXCLAIMS)

(ENGINE STOPS)

(AIR HISSING)

Oh, my God, what's he gonna do now!

I have a bit of a slow puncture
in the rear off-side tyre,

I just have to top it up.

(AIR HISSING)

Hiya, love, we just wanted
to say thanks for the lift,

we can make our own way from here.

Get back in the car.

What do you think you're playing at?

What are we doing up here?

Oh, here we are, here's our lift,
thanks for everything.

- Get back in the car.
-Jesus Christ.

Inside the car, mother, get in the car!

(MADGE MUMBLING)

- Get in the car.
-All right. All right.

(MADGE EXCLAIMS)

- I need to speak to Janice.
-Go home, little boy.

Janice, it's not too late,
you can still come with me.

- Who are you?
-Who I am is not your concern.

Yeah? You think
you're a big man, don't you?

Well, I'll tell you something,
that's the woman I love in there,

and there's nothing you can say
or do that will...

Fucking hell!

(CAR HORN CONTINUOUSLY HONKING )

Look, we haven't got any money,
so can you just let us go, please?

You are here on holiday?

Oh, no. We come here to do a bloody
paper round, what do you think?

For Christ's sake, mother,
he's got a gun.

Oh, he's just some sort of simpleton.

Look at him, you can tell
by his hair cut and his clothes.

You are one to talk.

I won't tell you again, mother, shut up.

Listen to your daughter, old woman.

You never know,

her advice just might save your life.
So, now you can help me.

Where are you staying?

I need to add a little something
to your excess baggage.

Okay, we are getting out
of the car very slowly.

Stay close to me
and you will not get hurt.

And what if we don't?

- Then you will die.
-Is that the best you can do?

Mother, please,
let's just do what he says.

You think because you've got a gun,

you've got the upper hand with us,
don't you?

- Yes.
-Well, I'll tell you, now,

you don't scare me.

We used to have a saying
about your type during the war,

"Them that thinks they're summat,
will always amount to nowt,

"come Spring Bank Holiday."

- What is she talking about?
-I have no idea.

You may have no respect
for your own life, old woman,

what about your children, huh?
Your grandchildren?

So, now we understand each other.

Oh, hello!

How did you get on at the hospital?

Oh, okay, thanks, everything's okay.

Oh, lovely.

And your fella sorted it all out
with the police?

Yeah, all sorted.

Lovely!

'Cause I'm not being racist,

but the Spanish can be
a bunch of nutters, can't they?

Oh, I'm sorry,
your friend's not Spanish, is he?

- Yeah.
-No, he's, uh...

He's me cousin, Derek.

Hiya.

Oh! You came out for the wedding!

(EXCLAIMS)

Hasn't he got big hands?

Are you coming out
to the pool for a drink?

I shouldn't have had champagne,

It's gone straight to my head,
that's your fault!

- No, we're, um, going upstairs.
-Oh, right.

What? All of you?

Yeah.

Oh, I see,

you're all "going upstairs",

all of you, together.

Yeah.

I must say I do admire you.

Donald's got a cousin
I wouldn't mind having a go with,

but he's very old-fashioned
like that, you know.

Draws the line at blood relatives.

Which is a real shame,
because, apparently,

he's got a nob like a draught excluder.

- All right, see you later.
-Yeah, don't let me stop you.

Hey, don't do anything I wouldn't do!

That doesn't leave much!

What are you doing?

You can't go.
They haven't discharged you.

Do I look like the kind of man who sits
around waiting to be told what to do?

The dinners are supposed
to be dead good here.

It'll take a lot more
than a bang on me head

to keep me in hospital
on the last day of me holiday.

Enjoy your dinner.

What are you doing? You can't leave.

The doctor thinks
you might have percussion.

I'm not staying here on me own.

You won't be on your own, son.
You've got me.

Do us a favour,
have a look at that menu.

If it's jelly today,
ask them for a doggy bag.

Do you know, I could sup these
all day and not get drunk.

(DONALD CHUCKLES)

They're mainly fruit, aren't they?

Are you going home tomorrow?

Well, we're supposed to be.

Yeah, I'm sure
everything will be all right.

When do you go home, Donald?

Oh, we've got another three days.

There's a new cinema
opened just outside Benidorm.

It shows, well, films
for the broad-minded, shall we say.

Jacqueline and I thought
we'd check it out.

Forrest Hump, on Golden Blonde.

Sleeping with the Enema

or Jurassic Pork!

Up to you.

CHANTELLE: Dad!
MICHAEL: Dad! Dad!

Hey!

Where the bleeding hell have you been?
Get behind this bar now.

Dad, are you all right?
We've been worried about you.

What happened? Are you okay?

Dad! Don't go away again!

I want to go home!

That woman
with the funny face is scaring me.

Hey, calm down.
You're all right, I'm here now.

- Where's me mam?
-I don't know. I've not seen her.

She wasn't at
the police station with you?

No.

He went with me mam and me
nana to get them a taxi.

Hey, where did they get this taxi from?

- It wasn't exactly a taxi.
-What do you mean?

- It was a man.
-What man? A mate of yours?

Just a man with a car.

You let my wife get into a car
with someone you don't know!

In Benidorm, there are no strangers,
just friends you haven't met yet.

What bloody Christmas cracker
did you get that out of?

Are you talking about your wife, Jenny?

- Janice.
-That's it.

Oh, she's all right,
I saw her earlier with her cousin Derek.

She hasn't got a cousin called Derek.

I think you'll find she has!

JANICE: Help! Help me!

(PEOPLE EXCLAIM)

Please help! Help! Help!

(MADGE YELLING)

Jesus!

- Mam!
-Go with 'em, soft lad!

Uh, can you keep an eye on me kids?

Jacqueline, keep an eye on the kiddies.

Come on, boys.

MICHAEL: Dad!

(MADGE SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMS) Gang bang!

(MICK PANTING)

MICK: Come on, come on!
TROY: It's stuck on 13.

- What number are you on?
-13!

The stairs!

Where are the stairs to the apartments?

Hey, I'm asking you,
where are the stairs?

Oh, you've got to be taking the piss,
you bloody work here!

I think "work" might be something
of an overstatement.

There is a man with a gun
up there with my wife!

- And your mother-in-law.
-Yeah, whatever.

Ah, this way.

I don't really do stairs.

Why did you have to make trouble?

Oh, frig off back to where you came
from, you big long streak of piss.

Mother, he's pointing a gun at us!

This time, old woman, you go too far.

I have been very reasonable, but,
now, things are going to turn very ugly.

Going to? You look like you've been hit
in the face with a shovel as it is.

She didn't mean that.

She's not had a cigarette all day.

Not ugly, like a face.

I mean, ugly, like a bad thing, like...

Is she always like this?

Yeah.

- How many more flights?
-Just keep going.

I asked you to do something very simple.

Just one small bag,

but you make trouble.

We've told you we can't look after
your bag, we're going home tomorrow.

So now you must take
care of my merchandise

another way.

- What do you mean?
-Internally.

- It is perfectly safe.
-Oh, she'll never swallow that.

You think I fell off
the last trolley bus!

"Perfectly safe"?

I know exactly what that is. It's drugs.

Well, we're having
nothing to do with it.

You can stick 'em up your arse.

Now we are beginning to
understand each other.

Huh?

(HANGING ON DOOR)

MICK: Janice. Janice, are you all right?

Can you open the door?

All right, stand back.

(MICK EXCLAIMS)

- Fucking hell.
- Are you okay?

- Yeah.
-Here, let me have a go.

No. No, it's my wife in there.

Come on. You can do it.

(MICK SCREAMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

- Hey, maybe we should use this?
-What's that?

It is my pass key.

You dickhead!

(MICK GROANS)

Come here, give us it here.

- Oh, my God!
-It's all right.

It's all right.

Look, mate, we don't want any trouble.

It's a bit bloody late for that.

(DONALD PANTING)

Sorry about that.
These stairs are a killer...

Oh, my goodness!

(SIGHING) I'm sweating moisturiser.

Hey, fat man, do yourself a favour
and tell your wife to shut up.

Wife? How dare you?

(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
there has been a change of plan.

It's definitely him.
He was on that balcony up there.

What's happening? Where's Madge?
What's going on?

Look, they're going onto the roof.

Who's going on the roof?
What's going on?

Mel. Where you going?

I'm going to get my wife.

I can't see them any more, can you?

KATE: No.

I hope they haven't
jumped off the other side.

Why on earth would they do that?

I don't know.

Nobody seems to know
anything about this fella,

this Spaniard who's got them up there.

I've not seen him at breakfast.

Well, I thought it was a cousin,
but, apparently,

Madge and her daughter couldn't
get a cab back from the beach,

so they ended up having to get a lift

from this bloke,

who turned out
to be a nutter with a gun.

Oh, my God.

I think they've shut the bar.

(SOBBING) Oh, my goodness!

Hey, come on, don't get upset.

I'm pretty sure
the bar inside is still open.

Mel, do you need a hand?

Get down, you fool.

How you gonna get on the roof?

They're not letting
anybody use the lifts.

I can see that.
Right, this is what we're gonna do.

The lifts are at 12 o'clock,
the stairs are at 10 o'clock.

I need you to create a diversion
at approximately 8 o'clock.

Nice one, so we meet
back here at about what?

-7:50?
-Not 8:00 tonight, you idiot,

8 o'clock on the clock face.

- Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Right, after three.

- One...
-Hang on...

- So the lifts are at 12 o'clock.
-Yeah.

The door to the stairs is at 10 o'clock.

That's right.

So, wouldn't the diversion be
better at about quarter past five?

Where do you get the "quarter past"
bit from? Look, it's easy.

The lifts are at 12 o'clock,
stairs are at 10 o'clock,

we need the diversion at 8 o'clock.

Right, got it. Hang on a minute.

Where's the middle of the clock?

What the hell's that
got to do with anything?

What are you doing?
This area has been evacuated.

You cannot stay here.
Make your way outside.

Yeah, all right.

Come on, let's go, move, move!

All right, we're going.
"Where's the middle of the clock?"

Dickhead.

ENRIQUE: Oh, no, no, no.

This is all your fault.

I don't think there's much point
apportioning blame at this stage.

- Who asked you?
-It wasn't his fault.

It was me mother's,
she got in the fella's car.

MADGE: Oh, yes, that's right, blame me.

I suppose it's my fault
he's got a gun and all.

- Be quiet.
-Piss off.

Oh, my God,
she's going to get us all kllled!

I will not tell you again.

Any more trouble and I will start
to throw bodies off the roof.

Don't make me laugh,
you couldn't throw your voice.

ALL: Shut up!

Oh! How did you get on?

They wouldn't let us in.

Really? Don't they know who you are?

Did you see me mam and dad?

I didn't darling, but don't you worry,
I'm gonna sort everything out.

Can I borrow your bat?

Yeah, if you want.

Mel, why is everyone on the roof?

Oh, they're just up there sunbathing.

You know how your nana likes the sun.

Is that man with the gun
sunbathing as well?

He's not stupid.

If anything happens to me mam, me dad
and me nana, will you look after us?

Nothing's gonna happen to your mam
and dad or your nana.

- Mel?
-Yes, Michael.

My dad said I'm not allowed
to call you granddad,

but I miss not having a granddad.

Well, I tell you what,
when all this is finished,

we'll have a chat to your dad and
ask him if you can call me granddad.

And if he still says no,

well, every time you call me Mel,

we'll know you really mean granddad.
It'll be our secret.

- How cool is that?
-Yeah, that's real cool.

Cool.

(MEL CLICKING TONGUE)

Back in a bit.

He is such a wanker.

I can't just sit here.

- What time is it now!
-We've been here for two hours.

My throat feels like a nun's crotch.

What's he waiting for?

I think he is waiting for
the police to call him back.

(EXCLAIMS) We're gonna be here for days.

DONALD: Listen, I've got a plan.

Anybody got a mobile phone with them?

Yeah, mine's in my pocket.

What say we call him
and pretend to be the police?

We tell him we will agree
to all his demands

and there is a car downstairs
waiting to take him to the airport.

As he leaves, the real police grab him,

and we all get down off the roof safely.

Yeah, that's brilliant.

Although, do you think when
we ask for his mobile number,

he might start to smell a rat?

Or we casually ask him
for his name and address

and secretly ring directory enquiries?

Oh, shut up.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

(ENRIQUE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

What's he saying? Who's he talking to?

He is talking to the police.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

He is asking, "Where is my helicopter?"

- Is like aeroplane, but...
-Helicopter.

Yeah, we worked that one out, thank you.

(ENRIQUE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

"I will wait no longer."

(ENRIQUE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

"You think I will not kill my hostages?"

(ENRIQUE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

"You are wrong."

(SOBBING) Oh, my God,
we're all gonna die!

-We're all gonna die!
-Mother, calm down.

(MADGE CRYING)

(JANICE SHUSHING)

- What are you doing?
-Somebody has to do something.

GAVIN: Oh, no, you don't!
TROY: Gavin, what you doing?

- Sit down.
-You come up here

In your charity shop clothes
and your feathered bob,

waving a gun around like
Annie Oakley with a shaving rash.

And you expect us to just
sit here and do nothing?

- Sit down.
-Oh, my God!

- He's gonna get himself killed.
-He's gonna get us all killed.

I, for one, say no.

Oh, no. I am far too young to die at...

Let's say late thirties, early forties.

I've not even started living.
I've not learned to drive yet.

I've never been to Venice.

Jesus Christ,
I've not even seen Liza in concert!

I think he's got heat stroke.

Gavin, please sit down!

Do you think you have the right
to hold these people hostage?

Good, honest people,
who have worked hard all year

to have a week in the sun?

Tell your wife to sit down.

How many times do I have to tell you?
I am not a woman.

(GUN FIRING)

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

(CRYING)

He's all right, he's just fainted.

My God, they have sent him a helicopter!

Enjoy the rest of your hollday!

Don't worry, we will.

Bloody hell, it's Bruce Willis!

- Oh, Mel!
-You didn't think I'd leave you here, did you?

It's all right, Princess, I'm here.

You took your time, didn't you?

- Oh, they're not bad, these burgers.
-Very good.

Anything'd taste nice
after having nothing to eat all day.

Me stomach thinks me throat's been cut.

Talk about wishful thinking.

Any chance of getting that helicopter
again to take us home, Mel?

You've gotta be joking. D'you know how much it
costs to hire that thing for 20 minutes?

No, go on.

Very little, when you compare it to what
I might have lost if I hadn't.

I couldn't believe it.
It was like something out of a film.

- I wish I could go on a helicopter.
-Leave it to me.

- Really?
-Absolutely.

Oh. cool. Thanks. Gra...

Thanks, Mel.

Shame they haven't opened Neptunes.

- I'd picked out me karaoke song.
-What were you gonna sing?

Young, Gifted and Black.

I've always loved that song.

It reminds me of your father.

So, home tomorrow.

Thank God this has all come to an end.

The holiday, you mean?

How are you doing, my hero?

I think I was more Blunderwoman
than Superman.

That was a nasty bump
on the head you got.

I think we should go back
to the hospital for a second opinion.

That doctor didn't even examine you.

I think he recognised a man at the
very peak of his physical fitness.

Yeah. He did say In 20 years as a doctor
he'd never been wrong.

Ladies and gentlemen, the police
have given the all clear

- for you to go back to your rooms.
- (ALL EXCLAIM)

- About time!
-What, is that it?

- What do you mean?
-After the day we've had today!

That's it? Say no more about it?

Look, I'm not supposed to mention
this yet, but I've been on the phone

to the powers that be
and there has been talk of offering

everyone who was involved
in today's unfortunate event

a free week's holiday
at the Solana next year.

Ha! If you think any of us would come
back on holiday here, free or not,

- you must be joking!
- Hear, hear.

- You can count us in on that.
-Absolutely!

You can stick your holiday
where the monkey keeps it's nuts.

- Quite right.
- Fair enough.

Whoa, hang on a minute!

What time next year?