Benched (2014): Season 1, Episode 7 - Curry Favor - full transcript

God, I'm so late.

Nothing.

Nothing.

- Hello.
- Hi, this is USA Credit

act now to minimize your debt.
Just say "yes."

Yes, a spot!

- Come to mommy!
- You said yes!

No, no!

That is my spot, mini cooper.

Helping you to take advantage
of this amazing offer.

Oh, yostupid asshole.



Are you blind?

Just in my left eye, ma'am.

I'm not... I'm not talking to you, Josh.

I'm talking to spot stealer over here.

Oh, and such a dumb pantsuit.

Look at those pants. That is terrible.

Who wears that? Ugh, gross, ugly pants.

Your passenger window's open.

Yeah, yeah, I'm just...
I'm working on a monologue.

I'm an actor. It's for an audition.

It's for a play.

Called Ugly Pants.

It's a one-act.

One should act now.



Shut up, Josh.

- Oh, God.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, can you hold that, please?

- Oh, yeah, yep.
- Hold it.

- I'm trying.
- Just hold it, please.

It's not working. I don't...

I know what you're really pushing,

you skinny white bi...

God, this day is already a disaster.

There was so much traffic,
and there was no parking,

and then this... this biatch swooped on in

and took the only spot.

And then I only avoided getting
sandwiched in the elevator

by closing the doors
on this giant sweaty man...

And he's right there.

Hello.

Burt is on extended disability.

A hemorrhoid surgery gone wrong, I heard.

I am your new boss, Geoffrey with a G.

I'm pleased to meet all but one of you.

Well, things are looking up.

Hey, hi, Geoffrey. I'm Nina Whitley.

I think that we might have
gotten off on the wrong foot.

Uh-oh, I'm trying to hold
the door, but I can't.

Oh, no, it's closing.

Benched - 01x07
Curry Favor

You know what?

Again, I am so sorry, Joffrey.

Geoffrey, like the toys "R" us giraffe.

Like the... like the giraffe, okay.

Nina, I'm sorry.

- Thanks, Phil.
- Oh, no, I wasn't finished.

I'm sorry anyone told you
you could pull off that scarf.

Oh, there it-, that's.

Yeah.

I thought you bagged a wookie.

It is a statement scarf.

I think it's a question scarf.

Like, "why would you wear me?"

- Good morning.
- Hey.

Nina's had a tough morning.

We're making fun of her scarf.

Oh, my grandmother just called.

She wants her curtain tassels back.

Okay, you know what?

It would be just really great

if just sometimes you guys could say,

"hey, Nina, I'm so sorry
that you're having a rough day."

But no, you guys just need to make jokes
about how I'm fancy and uptight

and educated and prissy,
and you know what?

Nobody gets me. None of you get me.

- Nobody gets me.
- Oh, Nina, I get you.

You're a strong, hardworking woman

who has a severe scarf blindness.

- He gets you.
- No.

You know what, Phil?
You don't get anybody.

You don't even get that
your friend Carlos there

is sleeping at the office.

What? What are you talking about?

He just shaved in the bathroom,

and he's got a yoga mat and a
pillow that he brought to work.

He clearly doesn't do yoga.

It doesn't take Scooby and the gang

to figure that one out.

My new place won't be
ready for a week, so...

Uh, do you... do you want to,
like, stay at my place?

Oh, my God, yes, please, thank you.

Heads up, I hate my outfit,
and I'm having a terrible day.

But that bodes well for you,

'cause that'uslly
when I kick the most ass.

Hey, Nina, did you get a chance

to look at that new discovery?

- What new discovery?
- Hmm.

Your Honor, the people call forensic
analyst Edie Perch to the stand.

Great.

This is good 'cause we go... we go way back.

- So, Ms. Perch...
- Edie.

- How was your aition?
- Didn't get it.

So I'm gonna stick with the lawyering.

Now, your opinion that
my client was on opiates,

that's just based one single test?

You're referring to the U-Tox nine?

Uh, maybe...

Because the U-Tox nine is

as its name suggests,
nine smaller tests.

and a positive for any
of those indicators leads us

run a test for opiate metabolites,

then gas chromatography
and mass spectrometry,

which we thedo confirm.

So it's actually more like
26 tests, which you can see

if you just flip the paper over, sweetie.

Okay, and now these... these tests

are... are real tests?

No further questions.

God, this isn't happening.

Oh, you got to be kidding me. It's broken?

How is the debit machine broken?

- Look, can just owe you?
- No, Kathy, no.

We're on a first-name basis.

I mean, my name's not Kathy,
but you know what?

You think it's Kathy.

You write it on my cup every day.

- I'll pay for it.
- Toss it.

Give me one of those as well, Lars.

No, I get it. Bad day, you know?

You're just like... your spot's taken.

Surprise witness totally blows your case.

It's like you're one of the before
women in a tampon commercial.

Yes, thank you.

I am that woman in the white pants

running for the cab.

Girl, I am sorry
you are having a terrible day.

Thanks.

Apparently that scarf
is having a great day.

Oh, thank you.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

And you were great on the stand.

- You really... you were great.
- Thank you.

- Yeah.
- That is so nice.

Well, I just wish
it had been a different D.A.

Because Trent, my ex, he just gets

this special pleasure out of beating me.

Oh, my God, he beats you?

No, no, no, in court.

You're the crazy ex.

- Yep, yep.
- I'm sorry.

When people refer to their exes as crazy,

it's like, "hey, maybe
you made them crazy, dude."

Oh, my God, he so made me crazy.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- He made me...

Wow, you just... you get it.

Quick question.

You want to go grab lunch,
like, right now?

Hell, yeah.

- Yeah? Okay.
- Yeah.

Thank you for letting me stay here.

All right, make yourself at home.

Where do I put my shoes?

I don't care, bud.

I'm gonna put 'em in the...
I just threw them there, Phil.

- Thirsty?
- Yeah, sure.

What happened to your window?

Oh, poker, drinks, a hand got lost.

Yeah, a guy put his fist through it.

You should make him pay for it.

- That guy might have been me.
- Oh. Oh.

- Phil?
- Hmm?

How often does this...

Only when I do this.

See?

I see. You're not gonna fix it?

Well, I was gonna, but the damn warriors

couldn't cover the spread, so...

What do the ladies think?

Usually I go to their place.

What if you start dating one of them?

Then I won't use the sink.

And if she's got
a problem with the window,

I just...

Huh. I'm gonna fix that.

How much did you lose
on the warriors game?

What are we,
doing a quarterly report here?

- We're gonna watch the game.
- You're right.

- you're right.
- Come on.

I'm starting to sound like Rosa.

Little bit.

Let's just watch the game

and not worry about whatever

is poking me in the back.

Oh, look at that. It's a couch fork.

What, you go all the way to the
kitchen when you need a fork?

No.

My head is killing me.

Couple black coffees,
your head will be fine.

No, it's from that piece
of ceiling that fell on me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna fix that.

- Oh, hey, Nina.
- Oh, hey, Phil.

Oh, hey, Nina, if your coffee order

wasn't so high-maintenance,

maybe you wouldn't die alone
and other insults.

Blah, blah, blah.

Two half-cafs, almond milk, rice milk,

foam, and two shakes of cinnamon
before the third shot,

- but not too hot for Kathy.
- Perfect.

Our plan was to apologize to you, Kathy,

but after that coffee order, wow,

that is a one-way ticket to alone town.

- Hey, Nins.
- Hey.

- Hi!
- This is for you.

Thank you.

Guys, this is my new bff, Edie.

Oh, my God, I just said bff.

- Is that too soon?
- Are we labeling up?

- I love that.
- Me too.

Wait, wait. don't tell me.

You must be Phil, class clown,

coasting through life
on what he thinks is charm.

And Carlos? Yoga mat.

You nailed it.

- Hey, Phil, how's it going?
- Ooh.

Okay, you got me on this.

Who's the anemic in the vest?

Farley.

Gaming associate of Phil's.

Uh-huh, so this is Phil's bookie

which is new information to me,

but not at all surprising.

You're doing great, buddy.

What?

Oh, nice lady.

So, Phil, looks like you owe me some money

from the Knicks game last night.

Don't worry. I'll fix that too.

Hey, you ever watch Judge Judy?

No.

Being a lawyer, you should watch that.

Can we talk about what just happened?

Because as a friend, I'm concerned.

You just had a bookie
track you down at work.

What's next?

I'm opening up a box
with your thumbs in it?

Farley, the guy... come on, he's harmless.

And why are you opening
a box of my thumbs?

Because you don't have thumbs,

because they hire goons to cut...
And put them in the...

You've seen too many movies.

Wait, why are you judging me?

I mean, you sleep on a yoga mat
near the misdemeanor files.

That's hurtful, okay?

Phil, everyone gets it.

You're the cool guy, but you know what?

There is a line, and you
won't know you crossed it

till the goons show up.

Okay.

Well, I think I just crossed it.

- Whatever that means.
- It means you're a goon.

Don't care.

'Cause you know what I just realized?

We're not real friends.
No, we're work friends.

You're just the office
smart-ass who gambles and jokes,

and I'm the office...

- Tight-ass.
- Alpha, who works hard.

You just proved my point. See?

Those two types, they don't mix.

So we're gonna just be
simple work friends,

and then I'm gonna be like,
"hey, tough case today, huh?"

And I'll be like, "ugh, I hate mondays."

So work friends.

- Work friends.
- Yeah.

Somebody brought us a treat,
'cause I might have

just gotten the best
black and white cookie

you've ever tasted.

It is gonna melt your face off.

I am making out with you
so hard in my mind right now.

Well, I have a little surprise for you.

Okay. Good news.

Your next case, the labs came in.

Metabolites, gas chrome, mass spec,

all came back negative.

No idea what you just said,

but loving how excited you are about this.

Your client's as clean as an otter's nuts.

- Oh!
- You are gonna rip Trent's ass.

Oh, my God.

- You are the best.
- Thank you.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

I can't wait to see his
"I just got whupped" face.

It's gonna be like,
"but I... I own... I..."

Or more like, "huh."

Coworker, bff. Watercooler stuff.

Printer's making me crazy.

Printers always make you crazy.

They do. They make you very crazy.

- All right, thank you.
- Hey, Phil.

Buddy, I wanted to apologize.
I overreacted.

It's your lifestyle.
I get it, and I am sorry.

Hey, it's no problem, all right?

And I will get that drip and stuff fixed.

Speaking of which, I know this guy

who used to be a client of mine.

- He can help you.
- Look at you.

"I know a guy."

I like this Carlos.

Tell me more.

Jimmy, tell my buddy
what you told me earlier.

So there's this nag.

Red headed step child.

Second race tomorrow,
odds-on favorite, three to one.

I happ to ow red headed step child

has fallen hard for it's my party.

It's true love.

But it's my party pulled a wither.

So red headed step child is
gonna follow her beloved

all the way to last place.

So what's the tip here?

don't fall in love with a horse?

There's another horse, guilty as charged.

Heh?

I got it on good authority
that horse is juicing.

She hears the starting gun,
she's gonna merge

onto the goddamn San Diego freeway.

All right, all right,
hold on, hold on here.

What kind of odds are
we talking on her here?

- I'm talking 50.
- 50?

50 to 1?

- Right?
- Wow.

Oh, God, I love horses.

That's kind of why you're in here, Jimmy.

- Eh.
- 50 to 1?

Wow.

Are we betting an h-note? A hundy?

No. More. 50 to 1.

I'm talking a g-note. That's a grand.

That's a thousand. Yeah.

- Whoa.
- What? You heard your guy.

It's a sure thing.

I mean, you know, forget the hole.

We're gonna get matching boats
and captains hats and...

I will fix the hole too, but I don't know,

maybe I'll get
a whole new house, you know?

A boat house in Cape Cod.

You a COD man, huh?

I think people call it the cape.

Not after we buy it.

The defense pleads not guilty, Your Honor.

I'm sorry, what? Really?

Are we talking about the same guy?

You seem scared, Trent. And you should be.

Uh-oh.

I'll see you at the readiness hearing.

So no deals?

- We're going to trial?
- Yeah.

Your drug test came back
clean as an otter's balls.

Is that clean? Oh, yeah, right.

'Cause they're in the water
all the time swimming around.

- Wow!
- Yeah.

That is incredible,
'cause I was high as sh...

- You were high?
- As sh...

- You're an awesome lawyer.
- Uh...

Eh...

- Hey, Edie.
- Oh, Nina.

- Hoawese was that?
- Yeah.

I just loved how you took Trent down.

His face was like, "huh?"
Or more like, "uhh."

Yeah, um, so about that,

you don't think there's any way
that maybe you...

Not... okay, not you-you,

but, like, technology-you
might have made an error?

Without violating
attorney-client privilege,

we both know that my client
was a big enthusiast

of the old El Gusta El Cocaina plant.

- Maybe I fudged it.
- What?

Isn't that what you wanted?

No. Oh, God, no.

Okay, so we just got... we got
to withdraw that evidence.

No, no, my reputation would be ruined.

My reputation is everything.

No, you have to go through with it.

You have to go to trial. You have to.

I don't... how...

Miranda would do it for Carrie.

- Would she?
- Yes!

- Did you place the bet?
- Yep, just handed it over.

"Two bets, please." All that money.

What are you gonna name your boat?

I'm gonna name mine pizza
because I love pizza.

- Hey, Geoffrey.
- Yes.

We're getting a boat.

What would you name your boat?

Why aren't you working?

- Your bookie.
- Yeah.

Are you gonna tell him you have his money?

No, let's wait till
the horse gets out of the gate.

Your bookie? Everything okay?

Yeah. Everything's fine, tappy.

- You?
- Yeah.

No, I'm good. Everything... you know what?

Actually, this might fall
under the category

of work dilemma, so let me
throw it to you, colleague.

Have you ever had a case go your way

but the evidence is maybe...

Fudged-ish?

Yeah. Ask for a retrial. It's easy.

What if the person who's
responsible for this evidence

is a friend who... who just kind of...

Who gets you, and by doing this,
you're gonna...

There's gonna be
some severe life consequences?

Maybe ask your new bestie.

Yeah, that solves so much. Thanks.

Your Honor, this man was found

literally covered in cocaine,

yet his blood tested negative for cocaine.

The people have no choice
but to drop all charges.

Assuming this is fine with the defense?

Well, you know, tests don't lie.

Okay, just... just before we break,

I'd just like to say
a few brief words about justice.

You know, it's a beautiful thing, justice.

Hello, Frasier Middle School.

I hope you guys have all
enjoyed your class trip

to see justice in action.

What do you say, kids?

How's about a round of applause

For our system of justice?

And for justice in general.

And for the apparently
undetectable cocaine.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

the prosecution has tried to paint

a very dark picture of my client.

They've used such words as
irresponsible, negligent.

Red headed step child?

Oh, come on. Come on.

Red headed step child.

That is no way to slander my client.

He doesn't even have red hair.

- Mr. Quinlan.
- Yeah, yes.

You saw the evidence.

It's my party? Oh, come on, baby.

Come on, run, run. Run, baby.

- Run, you beautiful, beautiful...
- Mr. Quinlan!

You beautiful people, you beautiful jury.

- You're so beautiful when you...
- Mr. Quinlan, you gonna give your closing

or play Angry Birds?

Oh, dear God. Dear God.

Come on, my client...
My client is a good client.

He's a good client.

And you are certainly going to rule

that my client is...

Guilty as charged!

Yes!

I mean, not guilty as charged.

Not guilty.

Whoo! I got some money.

I got some... what a day!

Ah, desk gin, the good stuff, it's on me.

Let's go. Presents for everybody.

Boss man, I'm buying you
your own elevator.

Do you actually work here?

'Cause I've never seen you do anything.

Larry, hey, anything you want.

- What would you want?
- To meet my real father.

See what I can do. Carlos, my man.

- Phil.
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- What's up, Farley?

Oh, I get it.

Look at you coming down here to my work

to intimidate me with your goon.

I get it. I got your money.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna float it to you on my boat.

All right? Right to your boat.

The USS Farley can suck...

Phil!

I didn't place the bet.

You excuse me?

I just got some boat
business to talk about.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, you didn't...

You didn't place the bet, the sure thing?

There was no sure thing.

I gave Jimmy a carton of cigarettes

to give you a false tip

so you would bet big and lose.

- But I... I won.
- I know!

What the hell? Those odds!

- Yeah! 50 to 1.
- That's why I picked it.

I was trying to teach you a lesson.

- But I won.
- Okay, the lesson didn't take.

I was gonna buy a goddamn boat.

I gonna get a house on the COD.

I was gonna do that...
That virgin spaceship...

Why would you make that up?

Because you just listed, like,
$3 million worth of stuff,

and none of it was fixing your apartment.

Hey, look, Phil, if could we just
have a minute.

Good sir, if your ugly goon is going to
break anyone's legs, let them be mine.

Okay, listen.

No ugly goon has to break
anybody's legs, okay...

What are you talking about?
This is my brother-in-law, Terry, okay?

He's taking paralegal classes.

I thought I'd bring him down here
to see a real lawyer's office.

- So is this it?
- Yeah, this is it.

But do let me know when you get the money.

- Yeah.
- Okay?

I don't want to break your legs.

- Could you imagine?
- Yeah.

What are they talking about?
Breaking legs?

Nice to meet you.

I was gonna buy my mom a house.

You literally have no concept
of how much things cost, do you?

Look, Edie, I wanted to talk to you...

Before you say anything else,

you are gonna tongue me
so hard after you taste this.

So where'd you pick this place out?

On yelp's top ten roofie bars?

I just wanted us to have a good time.

You covered so well today.

Edie, I can't be unethical. I can't.

I can't ever cover like that ever again.

That was a one-time thing, right?

- Right. Yeah, gotcha.
- Okay.

- Yeah, no more one-time things.
- Okay.

Until you tell me that you
ne another one-time thing.

And then we'll totally
one-time thing it up.

Have there been more than
one one-time thing?

Have I helped friends out? Sure.

But that's what friends do.

I support them, and then they're like,

"thanks, bestie,"
and I'm like, "thank you."

Okay.

I'm getting the sense,
and call it a friend hunch,

that maybe you... you do things,
like bad things,

for other people so they'll like you?

You too?

- Samesies.
- No, no, no, no.

- No. No, no, no.
- Samesies!

We are not samesies.

I call you my bestie, and you're ready

to break the law for me?

There's really only one thing
that you can do.

- You got to turn yourself in.
- Take it to the next level.

- Tuesdays, huh?
- Yeah.

Tuesdays, they're like
the Mondays of Tuesdays.

Nothing? What? No office banter?

I can't, Phil.
I got a real problem here, okay?

I got to send my best friend to jail,

and it makes me want to, like,
hurl on that wall.

Wait. Edie's your best friend?

You've known her, like a minute.

Yeah, well, she was really nice to me.

And we connected right away...

How'd you know it was Edie?

Well, yesterday, you mentioned
helping out a friend.

You don't have many of those, and really,

only one of them could fudge evidence.

This is sub-Scooby-Doo level stuff here.

- Hey, fellas, thanks.
- Nina, hey.

Your clown friend screwed us.

Yeah, he turned me in. Don't trust him.

- Turns out she loves to fudge.
- Oh, my God, how much?

- 89 fudges this year.
- Oh, my God.

She's a one-woman fudge factory.

Oh, you look amazing in that dress.

- Can'you d this for me.
- Oh.

Well, I kind of did it for
the potentially innocent people

that she might have sent to jail, but...

- Maybe you do get me.
- Mm.

What does it say about me, though,

that the only other person
who gets me is bat-sh... crazy?

That you're bat-sh... crazy.

That was a rhetorical question.

What you're supposed to... whatever.

- Say whatever you want.
- Nice belt.

- Congrats on winning the UFC Championship.
- There it is.

Well, looks like
I was wrong about you, Nina.

I thought you were selfish and terrible.

But I heard it was you that brought
that crooked forensics expert to justice?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess it was, actually.

So I'm kind of the office hero.

I mean, every office has one, so...

Yeah. Listen up, everybody.

Because of Nina's amazing work,

here are all the cases you have to retry.

- Aw, man!
- You know what?

Technically it was Phil

that turned her in, so...

Nina sucks.

Nina sucks.

- How is eighth grade?
- Nina sucks. In the back.

Nina sucks.

Oh, my God.

Nina sucks.

Nina sucks. Nina sucks.

Nina sucks.

Nina sucks.