Benched (2014): Season 1, Episode 5 - Shark, Actually - full transcript

Your Honor, my client requests O.R.

The defendant has multiple
failures to appear

on multiple priors.

Your Honor, my client's F.T.A.s

are due to employment
and child care issues,

not because she's living
some bucolic life in Tuscany.

That was an easy one.

Objection, the defendant is a flight risk.

Sustained.

Well played.

Well played what?



The judge is totally gonna deny.

Your Honor, permission
to approach the bench.

No, it's... it's the game.

The stenographer has
a word of the day calendar.

You get a word,
and you have to incorporate it

into the proceeding
without the judge knowing.

How very adult.

What is that? What is that?

Oh, that's a doozy. That's his bonus word.

He's never gonna be able to use it.

Your Honor, my client has a family.

She's not gonna float away with
an umbrella like Mary Poppins.

Supercalifragilistic-expialidocious.

- What?
- Poof... she disappears.



Your Honor, please.

Defense's O.R. request denied.

Bail is set at $10,000.

We're gonna take a five-minute recess.

I want to clap so hard right now.

So stupid.

Fist bump, really? You just lost.

No, I killed Trent. Two, zip.

He couldn't even get "osmosis" in play.

Okay, I'm talking about your bail request.

What? No. That was never gonna happen.

You are up. "Loquacious" is your word.

Your word is "unprofessional."

Oh, I'm sorry.

Your word is "no sense of humor, no fun."

I have a great sense of humor.

Oh, yeah? Say something funny.

You, you're... you're...

You are butt. You're butt.

Uh-huh.

Bet you've never seen two in a row, huh?

I'll get working on a commemorative plaque.

Ah.

Do you P.D.S have walls
these days to hang it on?

We do. We don't have nails, though.

You're funny.

Maybe you'd like to go out
and grab a drink sometime?

No.

See, that... that was funny.

Benched - 01x05
Shark, Actually

Yowza. That was pretty harsh.

Oh, what? $10,000 for bail? Yeah.

No, I was talking about getting shot down

by Mildred Boobwell in there.

She said she only dates contenders.

What does that even mean?

You're not serious.

No, I really want to know.

No, that's the answer. You're not serious.

That's not even true.

Just the loser I'm looking for.

Poker night's at my place Thursday.

Don't forget, Philbo.

Oh, don't you forget, Samwise Craptree,

and get a fan for your place;

your apartment smells like a ten-year fart.

Ah!

Wow. You know what? I stand corrected.

I don't know why she's not dating you

right this instant.

It's just, women want a touch of stability,

which means showing
an ability to be serious

for more than five seconds.

I mean, you... you goof off.

You breeze through cases.

You play word games in court.

Yeah, to lighten the mood

of an otherwise soul-crushing environment.

Right, and that makes you fun

but just not relationship material.

I think the term is like a...
A "good time Charlie."

A good time Charlie, huh?

Is that what the dames are saying

down at the gin joint, aunt Mabel?

Speaking of which...

Oh, boy, see?

Good time Charlies aren't who you marry.

They're who you shoot pool with
on a Tuesday night

and wind up boning on a futon.

Burt's having hemorrhoid surgery.

I'm assigning cases.

Ooh. Give me the serious ones.

B&E, two defendants.

Poor kid gets you,

but the rich kid hired his own lawyer.

- George Grumbeigh.
- Ugh...

What? Why? Who's he?

He's a high-end private lawyer.

He's got a face like a moon rock,

sneaky as a bag of snakes.

He's got a rep for dicking people over

just to get his client off.

He specializes in throwing his
codefendants under the bus.

A badass lawyer...

My kind of people.

Ooh, shark woman strikes again.

I think you drew blood.

No, I'm not a shark woman.

It's just that this case

obviously needs a serious lawyer.

Okay, well, have fun, sharky.

Well, have fun with your word games.

Micah, you're with me today.

Hmm? Mm-mm. No.

You cannot have Micah. I need her.

Oh, you need her for your mad libs?

Micah, on me.

Micah.

I feel like the kid in Kramer vs. Kramer.

Seriously, come on.
Who cares what she thinks?

Exactly, right... wait, we're talking about

the stenographer, right, or are you...

- Yeah, I...
- Doesn't matter.

I'm serious, right, and successful?

Well, we're public defenders.
How successful can we be?

But you're the king of courts.
You are a fun guy.

- A clown?
- No, you're not a clown.

You're the other, the royal...

Uh, guy's got a hat with bells, and...

Oh, a Jester?

God. That's worse.

Jester! That's it.

'Cause as in, like, Court Jester.

Yes, 'cause of our jobs, exactly.

You see, that's why you're the funny guy.

That's why you're the cool guy.

Hey, Barry, another round, please.

- Yeah, yep.
- Uh, you know what?

I'm good. I'm gonna take off.

Hey, knock, knock.

Who's there?

The best darn Jester in the world.

That's not how knock knock jokes work.

Well, teach me.

I'm gonna go.

It's a... I never learned it!

You're the master.

I'm gonna need a cab.

They're late. Probably trying to rattle us.

See if we spook easy.

That guy looks like a moon rock.

Ah, Mr. Grumbeigh,

we're not gonna plead guilty.

Mutual defense.

I can get them both off.

I'm Mr. Grumbeigh's paralegal.

I just filed an extension.

He'd love to discuss the case
over dinner tonight.

His cell's on the back.

Thank you.

The old dinner meeting trick... classic.

Watch the door there.

Looks like someone found
the right end of their razor.

Who ordered the discount Don Draper?

You, you're with me. Look alive.

I wait for no one today.

I'm gonna win this case,

you're gonna reconsider everything,

and then you and I are gonna go to dinner.

Sounds pretty serious.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Nah.

Okay, people vs. Levon Velasquez.

To the breaking and entering,
the people add evading,

resisting arrest,
assaulting a police officer,

curfew violation, and associating

with known gang members.

Is... that all?

Oh, and, uh...

Yeah, attempted murder.

Mr. Grumbeigh?

- George.
- No.

Are there any crater-faced old geezers

just kind of sitting around
waiting for someone?

No, right.

Ah, Mr. Gold. Right this way.

Hi, Mr. Grumbeigh, this is Nina Whitley.

Yeah, if you want to play games,
that's fine.

I will gut you like a fish,

and I will use your skin
as a shower curtain.

Miss Whitley?

Not even as a curtain, as a liner.

You know what, and sending
some Abercrombie model assistant

to the meeting... wow.

I'm George Grumbeigh Jr.

George... Grumbeigh Jr.

Was that message for me? 'Cause that's...

What?

Spider on your phone. Did you see that?

I'm sorry about earlier.

It's just that your dad has this reputation

of being this great white shark.

Well, he's semiretired now, wears Crocs.

You know the story.

I'm thinking the '89 larat.

That's okay with you, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'll just go take out
a quick small business loan.

No, no, this is on the great
white shark's expense account.

Oh, okay, well, then, in that case,

I will have the scallops

and the beet salad and the squab thing

and the New York strip.

Never have the surf without the turf.

Doctor told me that.

I'm gonna have exactly

what the starving hobo lady's gonna have.

Well, at least you're gonna
fill me with good food and wine

before your throw
my client and me under the bus.

I'm not my dad.

No joke... you do not have a moon crater

where your face should be.

A what now?

Mm? No, nothing.

So back to dad.

Is this gonna be an issue I can exploit?

You feel a little inadequate
to take over his legacy?

No, I don't want his legacy.

He's a great lawyer, but he
worked so hard that, you know,

my mom left him, and he didn't
realize it for three days.

Oh.

Can you imagine needing to win that bad?

Yeah, I bought in full bore, idolized him,

and then all my relationships
started falling apart,

imploding like the Hindenburg, so...

Full disclosure, I was on the Hindenburg.

Man, I set that bitch on fire.

I bet you did.

I guess I didn't lose
everything 'cause of work,

just, you know, a fiance, my loft,

job, Mercedes.

I guess I did lose everything.

Yeah, well, here's an idea:

We should go out sometime.

Finish this case,

I'll take you to dinner
with my credit card.

You know, that'd actually be really nice.

Oh...

- This is you?
- Yeah.

You might want to have
somebody check under your hood.

Looks like there might be some rust

in your undercarriage there.

Well, I'm not gonna lie.

It's been quite a while

since anyone's checked under my hood.

Well, it's nothing a little lube won't fix.

Not if you know what you're doing.

I'm not a car mechanic.

I don't know what we're talking about.

Your car.

Good night, counselor.

See you in the morning.

Thanks for giving me your turn
at the game, man.

I'm really gonna nail it.

All right, well,
just don't count your chickens.

All right, sometimes you get
a word like "sesquipedalian,"

and it's over before it starts.

I figured the clerk gets her words

from one of these calendars.

"Turgid," easy.

Okay, "ameliorate," piece of cake.

I hope I get "bedash."
Curtains bedashed with blood.

I like it.

Hey, Phil, don't panic,

but there's an actual book
on your desk, and it's open.

So how was the business dinner, huh?

Who devoured whom?

It's a shark joke.

Uh, no one devoured anyone.

Actually, it was... it was really nice.

Nice? Ew.

You cozied up with old man Grumbeigh.

That's, like, daddy issues.

No, not old man Grumbeigh, Grumbeigh Jr.

Junior?

Yeah, we had a great strategy session,

lovely dinner,
and made plans to go out again.

Huh, well, I stand corrected.

- About what?
- That you're a shark person.

Yeah, sharks don't get
googly-eyed over other sharks.

Unless they're hammerheads. Get it?

Oh, no, technically
they're not googly-eyed...

You're clearly not a shark, like, at all.

Okay, well, I can be a shark
if I got to be a shark.

What do you mean, "clearly not"?

Okay, let me guess. French restaurant, hmm?

Who paid?

- I offered to, but he...
- But he did.

When he was trying to make a point,

did he touch your arm just so?

It's textbook...
A little wine, make you laugh,

maybe talk about his family,
show a little vulnerability.

That is called being a gentleman.

- It's not him playing me.
- Okay.

How about at the end of the night?

Was there that awkward moment
where he leans in

just a tiny bit, and you're like,

"is this maybe a kiss?

Do I lean in too?"

Why would he... you do that?

Well, because if you lean in
after I've leaned in,

I know I got you.

Glad I was wrong about you, Whitley.

You're not a shark.

You're chum.

Your Honor, the defense would like to call

officer Sam Stanton.

Go easy, unless you want warm beer tonight.

Oh, nothing you can't handle, Broseph.

Officer Stanton, how you doing today?

- Great.
- Great.

Then why don't you tell the court

why you flat-out lied
on your police report?

Hey, you running a 5k here, Sam? Hold up.

What the hell was that, man?

You practically ripped my dick off

and stomped on it in front of everyone.

Oh, come on, Sam.

You know that this is
a adversarial system of justice.

Phil, Phil, how would you
use the word "vociferous"?

Hey, Carmen, do you play cards?

Yes.

A spot just opened up.

Be there.

Yes! It's Carlos!

But I... I've been waiting forever

to get into this game.

Dude, we're gonna have a blast.

Nope, I'm the spot that just came open.

Well, why'd you come open?

He removed Sam's dick in court
and stomped on it.

Ooh, that would do it.

Ah, your office looks a lot
like a hotel room.

No.

Our offices are in Malibu,
so I set up here for the trial.

- Hmm.
- Now, let me show you my stuff.

Oh-ho! Your stuff.

Okay, well, I mean, our clients
are gonna be here,

but, yeah, let's put a sock
on the doorknob.

So we agree that we're fighting
these cases together, right?

And we're not taking any... I don't know...

Side deal from some D.A.S
we're suddenly texting with?

What? No, don't be ridiculous.

Just show me what you got.

Okay, well, I organized
everything as we discussed

and got this... one, two, three...

One second.

Business before pleasure.

It is dandruff. You know what? It is.

Court's adjourned.

Okay, so we got you bail.

We killed officer Stanton's testimony.

At the cost of being thrown out

of the best poker game of all time.

Yeah, the only evidence we're vulnerable on

is the part about how Stanton
gave you the black eye.

It wasn't him.

Well, then who was it? Come on.

This is the one thing
that we can use to get you off.

I'm trying to help you here.

Oh, is that your girlfriend?

So can I go?

What happened to her hand?

Don't worry about it.

Levon, she gave you the black eye.

Did you catch him with another woman?

She goes nuts, pops you in the face.

The cops, looking for
who assaulted them in the dark,

pick up the first Mexican guy
they see with a black eye.

Am I right?

Don't be embarrassed. It's a modern world.

There's feminism now.
Anybody can beat anybody up.

Levon, be a man.

Tell them that your girlfriend
kicked your ass.

So I'll see you back here tomorrow.

Well, if our guys are telling
the truth about the timeline,

then we may actually
have a semblance of an Alibi.

You know, it's funny.

My client told me

that your client was driving that night,

but it doesn't say that,

you know, in the file you gave me.

So is there anything else
you're leaving out?

Uh, whoops.

You interested in having a drink?

Strictly professional, of course,

until the trial's done.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, that'd be nice.
- Good.

Did you... did you go to the gym
in that shirt, or...

I'm a little...

- Yeah, maybe change.
- Yeah, I'm gonna do that.

Take your time.

Son of a bitch.

Purple's too peacocky, or...

- What are you doing?
- Aha.

"Proposed settlement, S.P."
Spaulding Pratt?

Stephanie Plummer.

It's a civil thing.
It's got nothing to do...

All right, well, how about
this little chat?

"Any word?" "Working on it."

Pennebaker, the freaking D.A.

Can I have my phone back, please?

Aha. So it's like that.

It's not like anything.

You're texting with the D.A.

When we're supposed to be

working together on a codefense here.

I can't believe I fell for it.

The arm touching, the dinner... ugh.

What I am still working on with the D.A.

Is my golf game.

Well, why didn't you

hide this a little better
when I came in the room?

Because it's the room service menu.

Oh, yeah? "'Cause
it's the room service menu."

$8 M&M's. Now, that's the real crime.

So no on the drink, probably.

From the Judge.

Your third strike petition was approved.

Yes! No third strike.

Gang injunction crushed,

witness crushed, alibi established.

I am gonna go Polish my close.

I'm sorry. That sounded dirty.

I'm gonna go masturbate,

than finish my closing argument.

I thought that was funny.

Good mor... holy sh..., Phil.

What happened to your face?

Oh, I got punched in it. How was poker?

Well, I lost $1,000, but Sam
brought out some hot dogs.

- And I ate four...
- Uh-huh.

At the same time,
so everybody was laughing.

- Uh-huh.
- And they called me

weiner mouth, because of the hot dogs...

- Uh-huh.
- I think.

- Uh-huh.
- Where did Phil go?

Wow, you must really
want to date this stenographer.

Is it her fingers?

Yeah, something like that.

Ugh.

Okay, you have 30 seconds
to tell me what happened

between you and "hump me" Grumbeigh

before I got to finish winning this case.

Okay, well, everything was going great...

Wow. What kicked you in the face?

Don't change the subject. What happened?

You got that "wheels came off" look.

He caught me going through his briefcase,

'cause there were some texts
and voice mails on his phone.

Real quick, did they not teach you

proper snooping at Stanford Law?

This is your fault, just so you know.

Yeah, you got me all paranoid

with your little rico suave demo.

My fault? No, no, you went through

this guy's briefcase
because despite your denials,

you're a shark person.

Yeah, okay, I may not be
serious enough for you women...

Lucy... but you're not
fit for human society.

I am not a shark person.

Fine, but you know what
a regular non-shark person does?

- What?
- None of the stuff you're doing.

Oh, okay, so I'm just supposed
to leave myself vulnerable

to, like, a sneak attack
or a surprise attack

or other whatever attacks?

I don't know. You know best.

Just follow your instincts.

Oh, okay, I'll follow my instincts.

I'll sniff out for blood
and then strike from the depths.

No, that wasn't a shark joke.
Human beings have instincts too.

Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Can I just say that what I did at the hotel

was inexcusable? And I'm sorry.

No need to apologize.
My emotions were stirred up too.

Oh, sweet Jesus, thank God.

I just thought you were gonna hate me

and that you were gonna
never take me out again.

I mean, not that you have to
take me out every time.

I can take you out.
Do you like Quiznos or...

You know, instead of Quiznos,

maybe we should try Nouveau Chinese, on me?

I could be convinced of that, but, I mean,

if you haven't tried the toasty bread...

I'm gluten-free, obviously.

That's great, because I read
about this amazing place

downtown, so...

Your Honor, I would love
to request a sidebar

before we begin.

Your Honor, we accept the
people's original plea offer.

My client will accept
a reduced charge of trespassing

in exchange for a testimony against
Mr. Grumbeigh's client, Mr. Pratt.

Seem to be missing something.

What? Oh, no, my client

is just running a few minutes behind.

Ah, there's the trusty intern. What news?

I want you to know
that even though you did this

for a date with boobs,
I appreciate all you've done,

and I have new respect...

Yeah, blah, blah, blah. Where's Levon?

You want the good news or bad news?

- Bad news first.
- Levon's just been picked up.

He jumped bail, stole a car, tried to flee,

and drove it into a pole.

Jesus. What's the good news?

Oops. Um, I set that up wrong,

motherf...

Hey, so that happened.

Hey, now that business is done,
we can have dinner,

like two humans...

If I wanted to date my dad,
I would just date my dad.

I know that sounds really weird,
but I don't really care,

because it's the only analogy I can
think of when I'm this furious.

You're pathological.

So...

No on the din-din.

Buy me a drink.

Sounds like you did
some pretty sweet lawyering.

Maybe you are serious.

I told you all along.

Yeah, but then he jumped bail anyway.

- So it's like even when you win...
- You lose.

See why we need the games?

Yeah. Oh, no, no.

Oh, look, I'm packing...

From his minibar.

Now I know why people say

that lawyers aren't trustworthy.

- See, I am fun.
- Eh.

And I took his ethernet cable.

You can never have
too many of these things.

The judge caught me.

- Oh, no.
- I got "Elver."

Do you know what "Elver" is?

Yeah, it's a Juvenile EEL.

You mother... fine.

Do you know how I slipped it
into a triple homicide proceeding?

I didn't.

I just yelled it out, apropos of nothing.

"Elver!" And got held in contempt.

I had it. I had it, you guys.

I had a glimpse of what it
would be like to be that cool,

fun guy, and it slipped away
like a swarm of elvers.

Ah...

You know what, guys? This round's on me.

Actually, I have a date with Lucy.

- What?
- With boobs? You lost.

Yeah, but you get points for effort.

Who knew?

- But...
- Phil...

Your Honor, one more item.

- Tell him that he's looking magisterial.
- Okay, I will.

I'm filing a motion for continuance.

Or tell him that Trent
has handled this case

in an aloof, magisterial way.

The D.A. has handled this case
in an aloof, magisterial way.

Motion denied.

Defendant remanded to custody.

- Yeah, point for our team.
- Yeah.

Loser. Ahem.

That's like...

Loser, loser, loser.

- Real mature.
- You're real mature.

Yeah, no, you're right. You're fun.

- I am fun.
- Yeah.