Benched (2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - Hooked & Booked - full transcript

Hi.

I am Nina Whitley, and you
must be Yolanda Hernan...

Everybody call me "Baby Jones."

Okay. Wow.

It, um, does not smell great in here.

Anyway, so you are charged with possession

of a controlled substance.

They found two ounces
of cocaine in your bra.

Is that... is that corr...

Oh, my God.

It's so sticky.



Um, you know what?

I don't need to sit down.
I don't need to sit down.

I can make this quick.

Um... uh...

I can get the D.A. to drop all the charges

if you cooperate, all right?

So trade some information.

Who's your dealer? Other buyers?

And oh, my God! That smell.

I'll get right on it.

I can't get past it.

So I am just gonna go ahead,

we'll call the D.A.,
and we'll make that deal.

Uh-uh. I ain't doing that.



- Okay.
- I'm not taking no deal.

- Sounds good.
- I'm not taking no deal!

I need your hand sanitizer stat.

Okay, that's a big word for "now."

- Bad date last night?
- No.

I spent a delightful morning

in the interview room of a jail.

Here's something you don't see every day.

A rat throwing up from the smell.

So just to recap, a rat,
that lives in squalor,

is throwing up from the smell.

- The smell, oh, yeah.
- Yeah, oh, you got it!

- You're throwing that out?
- Yeah, I have to.

It's touched table goo.

FYI, Carlos, "goo" is
a big word for "icky stuff."

Is that supposed to be me?
I don't sound like that.

"Here's something you don't see every day.

Goo on a table."

To recap, everyone,
a table with "goo" on it.

Burn notice.

No, I don't say "goo" that way.

Carlos, one.

Nina, nothing.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

No, not today, not today.

Come on, come on. Do something.

Computer frozen again, huh?
You tried restarting it?

Have you tried looking
less like an ass weasel,

you ass weasel?

Are you really this upset
about your computer?

Your anniversary, huh?

Oh, that's tough.

You and Rosa were together,
what, 30, 40 years?

11. Wait, 30, 40?

- How old do you think I am?
- I don't know.

You don't look 60,
but you could pass for 60.

Pass for 60?

I'm kidding. I'm messing with you.

You got to relax here, okay?

You know what you need?

You need a night out,

a night to just forget about everything.

An anti-versary.

I'm gonna go home,
open up a bottle of scotch,

write Rosa a long email,
pour the scotch on the computer,

and light that on fire.

No, no, no, no. You
need distractions tonight.

Trust me. I know what
I'm talking about, okay?

Who better at escaping
their problems than me?

Okay? What do you say? Let me take you out.

We'll go, we'll rage
our faces completely off.

- Dennis, you in?
- No.

- Larry, drinks?
- In my gym bag.

Help yourself.

No, I'm talking about
going out tonight and raging,

letting loose, raging our faces off.

It's kinda last minute.

Let me check my... I'm free.

See, he's in, everyone's in.

Let's do this.

All right, let's do this.

I'll light my computer
on fire some other night.

That's the spirit.

You seem happy.

- Test results come back negative?
- No.

We are going out for a night
of debauchery so epic

that Carlos is gonna forget
about his first anniversary

apart from Rosa.

It's gonna be a lot more fun
than I just made it sound.

Even boring Larry's in.

- Wow.
- You should come.

I so would, but I have plans.

Ah, must be pretty important plans that you

can't reschedule to rally
around a beloved colleague.

Okay, it's just that
I have a spa appointment

at the four seasons.

I would totally cancel,
but it's a gift certificate,

and it expires tonight.

- Oh, I get it.
- You get it.

I do. Now, I forget.

Do Eunuchs massage you in truffle oil

before or after they give you a money bath?

Ha, ha, ha. There's no money bath,

but they do wrap you in this warm mud

and then these hot blankets.

It's like a... it's like a soft taco.

It's kinda next level.

Well, another time then, you know,

when you're not busy
getting mud in your taco.

Wow, I set you right up for that.

Your honor, my client would
like to plead guilty

and offer testimony
in exchange for probation.

No, wait, wait, wait.
No, I'm not doing that.

Look, I'm not ratting out nobody.

We talked about this,
and I told you this is

the best deal you're gonna get.

Maybe it's the best deal you could get,

but not the best deal I could get.

You were caught with coke in your bra,

so I suggest you testify
and stop acting like a baby.

- Get off me.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Whoa! Whoa!

Wait, wait.

What? I didn't do anything.

Look, she just tripped over
her stupid stripper heels.

You assaulted your attorney.

If you're gonna commit another felony,

try not to do it in the actual courtroom.

Great, a scuffmark.

Super.

My condolences.

Let me know where to send flowers.

- Hey, how was your trip?
- Did you have a nice fall?

I hear the floor is
beautiful this time of year.

Okay, so you didn't hear about the part

where she threw a giant conniption fit.

Well, yeah, you would too
if you had to spend

a night in jail.

Oh, please, one night.

How bad could it be?

Well, you sure know a lot
about jail for someone

who hasn't been hooked and
booked like the rest of us.

- What are you talking about?
- "Hooked and booked."

It's an old tradition here in
the Public Defender's Office,

is that we get processed so
that we understand better

what our clients go through.

Yeah, right, you did that?

Yeah, a long time ago.

Everyone does it.

What are you gonna wear tonight?

I'll probably wear what I'm wearing.

Did you guys do this thing?

You go to jail on purpose
to become a better lawyer?

I was just telling Nina

about the "hooked and booked" thing.

Oh, hooked and booked,
the hooked and booked thing.

We all did it.

I remember when I went in,
I met this kid there.

- Kendrick Sycamore.
- Oh, yeah.

He said to me, "Carlos,
I may not get outta here.

So you're gotta go live for both of us."

I met a guy named Lamont.

He also said some stuff.

Okay, Phil, what's your story?

Nina, Phil can't talk about his experience.

Because his cellmate died.

Died?

Oh, my God, like, in front of him?

It was years later, but
they were very, very close.

Well, if this is a... like,
a thing you guys all do,

why is this the first time
I'm hearing about it?

Well, I mean, you're not
exactly part of the gang.

Excuse me, I am part of the gang.

What's the name of my band?

Trick question.

I'm not in a band, and you would know that

if you were part of the gang.

And you haven't been hooked and booked.

Maybe one day when you don't have
some spa to get to, you can consider it.

Well, you know what?

Consider it...

Considered.

She bought it.

Hooked and booked, line and sinker.

Have a great night, Carlos.

You too. Enjoy your expensive mud.

Again, it's only because
it's a gift certificate.

I'm thrifty, not chichi.

Maybe I can meet up with you guys after.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.

It's not like it's gonna
be fancy or anything.

Look, I have this feeling
that you think that

- I'm some sort of...
- Priss?

- No, I was gonna say...
- Snob?

- What?
- Brat?

- No, standoffish.
- Tight-ass.

That's it.

- See you tomorrow, Whitley.
- Yeah.

I can't believe I'm gonna do this.

Oh, I see someone's shoe
has made a full recovery.

Thank you, Jesus.

Hey, Morris, quick quesh.

How long does it take to get processed?

Oh, about an hour or so.

So, if we hustle, I can probably still make

my appointment.

Lock me up.

Are you actually asking me to arrest you?

Welcome to the conversation we're having.

I'm doing the whole hooked and booked thing

that the PDS do.

Oh, the old hooked and booked thing.

- Yeah.
- Well, why didn't you say so?

I'd love to arrest you for no reason,

but let's see.

What would happen if
I arrested you for... oh!

I would lose my job.

Okay, so you need a reason.

Well, I'm not gonna flash you my tits,
if that's what you're getting at.

It's not.

Oh, okay, well, how about this?

"I'm Morris, I'm very serious,
but I where a very funny hat."

That's me. I'm impersonating an officer.

Yeah, that's not jailable.

That's stupid, with a
splish-splash of racism.

Okay, um...

How about this?

You just assaulted an officer.

Ow.

Ow. Does it have to be so tight?

No.

You are taking this very seriously.

That's quite a grip.

Okay, yeah, we should probably do this.

Make it more real.

- Your left hand, please.
- Okay.

Hi, yes, I have an appointment tonight

for a massage and a facial,
and I just wanted to call

because I'm gonna be just a scooch late.

Yeah, probably, like, 7:30.

Um, these are really expensive,

so if you could just put them in a...

Okay, is a mug shot really necessary?

Not really.

Thanks for the socks.

Oh, creepy.

So how long do public
defenders usually stay in?

Like, a tight 15?

Ooh, look at this.

Oh, no.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Sir, I'm a Public Defender doing
the whole jail experience thing.

No, you can't... you can't lock me up

with hardened criminals.

Is Morris here? 'Cause he
knows the whole deal.

- Morris went home.
- No. No. Sir!

You can't lock me up with these psychos.

Psychos?

No, not you guys.

Before, there were other psychos in here,

but they're gone now, so we're safe.

Yo, Goldilocks.

Yeah.

You're rocking that shirt, Lar.

I call this one "the party starter."

I almost wore my other shirt, but...

All right, gentleman, hope
you got your "a" games,

because as the instigator
for tonight's shenanigans,

I'm here to tell you that
sh... is about to get real.

Carlos, to your anti-versary.

It's not gonna drink itself.

Sorry, I got wing hands.

- Wing hands?
- "Slippery."

"Sauce on the rim."

Splash-back gets in your eyes.

I don't look good
with a patch on my eye, guys.

I'm cutting back on the drinking.

Cutting back? You've had
two vodka tonics.

- They're just tonics.
- What?

I thought we were gonna rage our faces off.

Rosa has always felt that
I've drank a little too much,

so I'm taking a little break.

It's not a big deal. Whatever.

This is great. Let's keep this party going.

- Shots!
- Okay, now you're ready.

No, not for me. You guys.

Do it. Go!

All right, well, I got
more than just booze planned.

All right? Tonight we
are gonna get you a girl.

Okay, if I'm gonna start dating,

- I'm gonna need another tonic.
- No, no, no.

I'm not talking about that kinda girl.

I'm talking about those chicks.

Hmm? Hmm?

"Danger, will Robinson."

- Hmm?
- Wow.

One hand.

Or none.

It's just I don't belong here.

I didn't do anything wrong.

It says here you assaulted an officer.

No, that was a joke.

- That was...
- I don't see how that's funny.

Just call Phil Quinlan, all right?

He's a Public Defender. He'll explain.

Look, I just really have to pee,

so maybe I could just use the lady's room.

Use the hole provided.

Would you gals mind looking away?

Perfect.

All righty.

I just got to get these down.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh, you know, for a metal seat,

you'd think it'd be cold,
but it's actually warm.

Oh, hey. Hey, did you call Phil Quinlan?

Am I getting released?

Hey, princess.

Hey, baby.

- Aren't you glad we came out?
- Yeah.

Oh, and, April, I can't
believe that we both

like movies and food.

It's like we share a brain.

Carlos, it looks like you and...

Sparrow.

- Feather.
- Feather.

Feather. Feather. You and feather
really seem to be hitting it off, huh?

- You want to peel...
- Or later.

We can just hang out and chill it here.

Or we could peel.

Yeah. You could peel.

No.

I'm not ready to take someone
over to my apartment yet.

To your apartment?

I meant, like, peel to a better bar.

Better than rascals?

Let's go to Hooligans.

They have real lawyers there.

I jumped the gun.

That was on me.

Damn it. It's fine.

Actually, you know what?
Who cares? Who cares?

Okay? We're having fun.

Larry's doing that.

Let them go.

We'll rally, okay?

You're great. Come on.

Yeah! Yeah!

- Rally it up.
- That's right.

Yeah, we'll rally, we'll rally.

We'll take it up to the next level.

You don't mean going to
a strip club, do you?

Oh, this is so much better
than a strip club.

Oh, okay.

Come on. Aren't you excited?

I'm excited, Phil. This is great.

All right, you don't look excited.

- Well...
- Is it the driving thing?

Because Larry promised that
he'd be designated driver and...

I told a fib.

No, you guys are awesome,
and this is... it's super primo.

Why aren't you raging your face off?

Why did you even come out?

Because it seemed important to you.

- To me? What?
- Yeah.

No, it's important to you.

Well, I know sometimes
you get a little lonely.

Where is this... what are you...
Where is this coming from?

Phil, you've told me before
you're sometimes worried

about dying alone.

Whoa, whoa.

What are you even... what?

That's crazy.

Larry, I've never...
What are you talking about?

I Nev... no.

No.

This is your night.

You could do anything tonight.

Wha... what do you want to do?

- Honestly?
- Yeah.

I just want to go home.

I want to be on my half of the couch,

and Rosa on her half of the couch,

maybe with her feet up,
and we're just watching TV,

and it's corny, and it's just nice.

You know?

No, I don't.

Wish I did.

You know what?

Hmm?

We're gonna get Rosa back.

- Mm.
- Yeah, we are.

Right now.

Turn this puppy around.

We're gonna go get her back.

Rosa, we're coming for you.

Come on.

Phil, hey, hey!

We're going 60 miles per hour!

Right.

We're in a car.

It's karaoke time.

Okay, Larry. Hey, hey!

Come on.

Okay, as your lawyer, I need to advise you

to not bust my white meat.

You scared?

No. Mm-mm.

No? You ain't scared?

No. No, I'm not... I'm not scared.

In fact, I fight people all the time.

Uh-huh?

And something else you should know about me

is that I grew up with
three brothers who are huge,

and they used to beat me up every day.

Oh, that's just sad.

No, it's tough.

My point is that it's...

Oh, my God. I think I broke my hand.

You got to put your thumb
on the outside of your fist.

Uh-uh.

Where you going, huh?

Where you going?

No fighting!

Ah!

Oh, sure.

Tase the minority. Well, you know...

Ah!

Oh, you have no idea how much I needed this

after the day I had.

Just relax and enjoy.

I got you, boo.

Oh, my God.

That taser knocked you out cold.

You up?

Good.

Now I can slap you again.

Can we just call a truce?

So what, I'm just supposed
to forget that your

ugly shoes are what got me in here?

Oh, sure, 'cause my shoes are the ones

that put the drugs in your bra.

Okay, that wasn't even my fault either.

My boyfriend asked me to...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Your boyfriend?

Why didn't you tell me the
drugs were your boyfriend's?

Because I love him.

You love a guy who would let
you rot in here for his drugs?

I mean, how dumb can you be?

Please don't hit me again.

Like you never done
anything dumb for a guy before.

No, I have, lots of things,

but nothing as dumb
as going to jail for a... guy.

Oh, my God. I'm doing it right now.

I'm in jail for a guy.

Ooh.

No, okay, it's not like that.

It's this guy Phil that I work with,

and I just... I didn't want him to think
I was some sort of...

- Brat?
- Sissy?

- Bougie?
- Princess?

- Skinny bitch?
- Barbie?

- Dipsh...?
- Fancy pants?

Okay... fancy pants?

That's the vibe I give off?

'Cause I really thought that I was like

a Nina from the block.

You ain't from my block.

All right, whatever.

We're not that dissimilar.

Okay?

We're both in here 'cause of guys.

At least mine goes
down on me on the regular.

Like, how regular?

'Cause that is hard to find.

And maybe you shouldn't
rat him out... you should.

You should definitely... you should rat...

You should rat him out.

You should definitely rat him out.

Oh, I think... I'm good.

- Okay.
- You're missing a step.

Ooh.

Okay.

All right.

- Okay.
- You get there.

- I'm gonna get a better...
- Phil.

Phil.

- Shh.
- Phil.

Yeah?

What are you doing?

You're hiding behind the palm tree.

That's your plan for getting my wife back?

To help.

To signal you when to keep talking,

and when to stop talking
like a third-base coach...

Of love.

Just shh!

No, no, no, no.

Knock like a man.

Okay, I see something.

All right.

Now, the first words out of
your mouth should be...

- Shh!
- You shh.

Uh, you should run.

- What?
- Really fast.

- No!
- Yeah, no, no.

It's mysterious.

Girls love that kinda thing.

Yeah.

No, no, she'll be analyzing it for days.

She'll be like, "what does this all mean?"

- I want to sit on my couch.
- We gotta move!

She can see us through the door. Let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There's a guy in there.

Wait, should we go back
and beat him up or something?

I don't know.

I mean, he was pretty fit.

How fit? On a scale from one to ten.

Mark Wahlberg.

How'd it go with Rosa?

Good.

Phase one complete.

Thank you.

Whew.

I was worried she may be
in there banging some dude.

Awkward.

It's frozen, and before you ask,

yes, I tried restarting it.

Okay, well, please just don't freak out.

No, I'm not.

I'm just getting some light
cardio in while it reboots.

If Rosa wants Mark Wahlberg,

then Mark Wahlberg she shall have.

Ah!

Hey, there she is, all relaxed and rested

from a night of luxury.

Yeah, no, I skipped the spa,

and I decided to embrace the tradition,

and spend a night in jail, so...

Welcome to the club, huh?

There you go.

Right, guys?

Yeah, how was it?

Pretty intense.

I mean, I got in a fight, and I had
to pee in front of a lot of women.

Like, a fight, fight?

Yeah, full on.

Not bad for a priss.

I got to admit it really helped me

understand my client better, you know.

And she's a free woman now,
so I guess it was worth

getting tased.

Ta... tased?

Yeah, not a great feeling.

But I want to hear
all about your guys' night,

so I'm just gonna freshen up first.

They taught me how to do
a whole shower in a sink.

Huh.

It's, like, a one, two...

You know what I mean?

She can never know about this.

Never, ever.

You think they got the tasing on video?

- Larry.
- That's rude.

I bet Morris has it.

Huh.

Wait up, guys.

- Hey, Nina.
- Yeah.

We all pitched in, and
got you a little something

to welcome you to the PD fraternity.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

A gift certificate for a one-hour

at Miss Hollywood's Thai massage.

Aww.

Is it a brothel?

Only certain rooms.

It's classier than you think.

Well, it's very sweet. Thank you.

It was pretty cool of you
to give up your spa day

to hang out in jail, so...

- Hey, Phil.
- Yeah.

Here's that video you wanted.

What was that?

Oh, it's you getting tased.

Bzzz.

Oh.

What, they didn't tell you it was a prank?

Dude. Morris.

- Oh.
- You ever heard of a secret?

Whatevs.

A prank?

You see, it's something we do...

- A prank?
- Oof!

- Yo.
- Wow.

Huh. You know what?

It really does work to keep
the thumb on the outside.

Did not feel that at all.