Benched (2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - Downsizing - full transcript
Now, I'm thinking that this is probably
a little smaller than your previous place,
but it's still pretty nice.
You know, the landlord's a buddy of mine.
This place isn't even listed.
He's letting us get in early. Take a look.
So, Nina Whitley, welcome to your new home.
Huh?
Huh.
Okay.
Is there another half?
No, this is the whole thing.
Okay, um...
[Clears throat]
You know what, I do like to take a place
and make it my own,
do some decorating and some futzing.
I'm a bit of a futzer.
Wow, were the last tenants
who lived here Keebler Elves?
This place is really tiny.
I don't know if I can do it.
I don't think I can do this.
I can't, actually.
I can't do this. I can't...
Where would I put my i-shaped couch?
Hey, you're a public defender now.
This is a public defender-sized space.
You want to live in a murder-free zip
code in this area... this is the size.
Listen, between us, I'd jump on this quick.
It's not gonna be around forever,
so what do you say?
Oh, my God.
You're getting a commission
from your little landlord
buddy friend, aren't you?
What? It's not a game-changing amount.
I mean, it's more I'm doing
a favor for the guy.
It's win-win for everybody.
Son of a bitch.
♪ Hey, now ♪
Benched - 01x02
Downsizing
♪ Hey, now ♪
[Telephone rings]
All right, boys and girls,
it's that time of the year again.
The time when you shed your
larvae skin, become a butterfly?
I'm talking about the Keely
Foundation fundraising gala...
Where we beg for money
for this sinking ship,
and if you want a job to come back to,
you'll schmooze, suck up,
and do whatever you have to do
to whore yourselves out, huh?
I'm fine with being a whore.
That's the next thing
on the agenda, Cheryl.
This year, try to keep the drunkenness
down to about a six, huh?
And if you do hook up with
a valet again, not in public.
In my defense, I thought his car windows
were more tinted than they were.
And I also need somebody to do
the obligatory thank-you
speech on our behalf.
Anybody? Any takers?
Anyone?
- I'll do it.
- Whatever.
Well, this all sounds super exciting,
and it's gonna literally
kill me to miss it,
but I won't be there.
- And why not?
- I have a thing.
- Of course you do.
- Oh, boy, a thing?
Well, if you must know,
I coach a basketball team of at-risk kids,
and that's the night
of their championship game.
Whatever. I hate kids.
Look, I want the rest of you
to make sure you're there,
and make sure you thank
everybody from the foundation
for that goddamn copier
that they gave us, okay?
Okay? I can't hear your heads rattling.
Yes, yes, okay.
- Wow, you are good.
- Good at what?
What is it really?
You can tell me. I get it.
I mean, this thing sounds like a nightmare.
What? No, no.
I love hanging around with a bunch
of jagbag lawyers watching them mingle
and grease each other up like seals.
Jagbags, which are...
That's what you get when you
combine jag-off corporate lawyers
and douche bag corporate lawyers...
Jagbag.
How many jagbags are gonna be there?
Let's see. All of them.
- All... all of them?
- Yeah, every firm.
They send their best jagbags,
and it's like a Harry Potter convention,
except instead of nerds in robes,
it's jagbags in suits.
Well, I think this girl needs to get her
Potter wand broom thingy
and get ready to fight
some wizard zombies in glasses.
I've never seen the movie.
So now you want to do the speech?
Sure, I think I'd be good at it,
and I get the value of saying thanks
to all the people who help us,
you know, the little people.
Bulldick, you just want to show off
in front of these people,
so that you can weasel
your way back into money law.
Maybe. I have needs.
My... my skin has needs, okay?
I have a very complicated t-zone,
and there isn't any
one product that can tame it.
Look, these are my people.
I speak fluent jagbag, all right?
So just let me do this.
- I'd be... I'd be...
- Fine, whatever.
I really don't give a sh...
Just go back to doing lawyer things, huh?
You're not gonna regret this.
Thank you so much.
I... yeah.
Okay, uh, Whispers.
- Hmm.
- That's your real name.
All right, you're off on probation
and a fine for soliciting.
- Oh.
- A little advice.
You seem like a smart girl.
You can do better than this.
You're right.
It's time for me to take that step up,
even though change can be so hard.
Oh, God, I hear you.
You should see this hovel
I might have to move into.
Hey, Nina, I've been meaning to ask.
Okay.
How do I get a Trent?
A what?
A Trent.
Handsome, successful.
It's been a ragged year on the man front,
and I usually don't even get
a good look at them
until the next day,
and then by then, you know,
teeth in the glass, wig on the floor.
Right.
You got a Trent. How did you do it?
You realize he dumped me, right?
Okay, but pre-dumped Nina...
What would she have done?
This fundraiser is coming up,
and it's my best chance
to meet a fancy guy like
the kind you used to get.
Well, it's actually not that hard, Cheryl.
You just... you find something you want,
whether it be a job or a guy like Trent
who wears a suit so tailored
it makes you derail every single
one of your dreams...
And then you focus.
You focus on that voice
inside of you that says,
"that's mine."
And nothing else should matter.
What about the voice that
says, "you deserve nothing"?
- Is that a voice?
- You don't hear it?
No.
They said no.
No? What do you...
Wait, what do you mean they said no?
- They didn't approve you to give the speech.
- Not approving?
"They"? Who's "they"?
The head of the events committee,
Debbie Mathersons.
From Schuster Alexander?
Sh... Debbie... my old firm.
Ah, now it makes sense.
At first I thought who the hell cares
about some dumb speech?
Did you think they'd forget
your complete mental collapse in the lobby
after smashing a million-dollar
vase from Eddie Rabbitt?
Elton John. Eddie Rabbitt?
What the hell is wrong with you?
I love the rainy night, you and I,
Juice Newton... don't you get out?
Yeah, but not a lot since 1970.
Look, I'm better now.
Can't you call her and tell her
that I'm a new person?
- Yeah.
- You're not gonna call her.
- No.
- Bye, Burt.
Bye, angry lady.
And please, thank Debbie again
for taking this meeting.
Yeah, I'll def... I will definitely be there.
Thank you, thank you.
Okay, bye.
Yes.
Wow. You want it that bad?
You will literally grovel to the woman
that got the promotion you deserved...
By sleeping with the boss.
And that's not deeply humiliating?
Do you know what's deeply humiliating...
Is having a client pee in your purse
while the judge laughs
at your bail request.
I belong in corporate law...
- Oh.
- Among nice things.
No, you don't get up on your medium horse,
Mr. "I have to skip
the fundraiser for a thing."
Quick, how many boys you coach?
Trick question. We got a girl.
She's got the best jump shot.
- Oh, yeah, what's her name?
- Melinda.
- What's your center's name?
- Marnold Estefan... Evez.
Shame on you.
Oh, you're new.
Hi, Nina Whitley for Debbie Mathersons.
Miss Mathersons?
Uh, miss Whitley is here to see you.
[Clears throat]
[Overlapping chatter]
[Table clatters]
- Nina.
- Hey, Debbie.
How you doing?
This is not what it looks like.
That you broke a table
and almost another expensive vase?
Oh, okay, then it is what it looks like.
Oh, wow.
It looks much bigger than
it did on my vision board.
Please excuse the mess.
I've been going back
and forth with my decorator.
My life is a series of Chenille Swatches.
Mine too.
Wow, is that the new Hermes?
- It is.
- Can I touch it?
- I wish you wouldn't.
- Okay.
Yeah, that was weird.
I see how that was weird.
Listen, Debbie, I just wanted
to come and tell you
that I understand why you didn't want
to approve me for the speech.
Listen, Nina, you really
don't have to do this.
No, I do.
I mean, after the way I acted,
look, I probably
would've turned me down too.
I was in a very stressful place,
and you... you won that
partnership fair and square.
Listen, I know you think
I was sleeping with Winston.
What? No.
If I implied that, no.
Oh, he wanted to, big time.
He texted me words
and pictures to that effect,
so I blackmailed him.
Like, blackmail-blackmail?
Like blackmail. It works.
Whatever it takes, right?
Yeah.
Oh, God, Debbie,
I want back in so bad,
I can taste it in my mouth.
I can feel it in my bones,
and a little bit down there,
okay, and this speech is my ticket
to any job with an office and a chair
with a lever that makes it go up and down
and makes that... [blowing air] Noise.
[Sighs] And if you let me back in the game,
you've got a lawyer
who owes you a huge favor.
So you do me a solid,
down the road... sisters.
I like that. Like, when one
sister owns the other sister.
Yeah.
I got the speech.
I nailed it. I am back.
Still got it, bitches.
- You actually did it?
- Yup.
I'm impressed with your balls.
Well, if you were coming to the fundraiser,
you'd get to see them in a dress
because I'm gonna be
all cleavage and balls.
Wait, why is she giving the speech?
- She begged.
- But I raised my hand.
Yeah, listlessly.
I mean, I didn't know you were
actually interested.
Here.
Fact... by the year 2045,
over 90% of American babies
will be born in prison.
What the hell? That's not a fact.
It's my own projections.
It's a first draft.
You can't insult these people.
Who give a sh... about those people?
It's our night, the public defenders.
We get to say and do what we want.
He actually makes a great point.
You get free booze.
You're getting free shrimp.
Quit while you're ahead.
That's also a great point.
Nina is doing the speech, end of story.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a warm welcome
to the hardest working P.D. in...
No, no, no. I'm not working on cases.
I'm working on my speech.
Oh, the speech that's
gonna save Nina Whitley
from the indignity of living
in a normal-sized apartment.
Almost sad I'm gonna miss it.
Oh, but of course, you've got
those little boys, Melinda,
and Marnold Estefan Evez
in their tattered uniforms
and their little toes poking out
of their mismatched shoes.
No, actually, I got a bail bonds place
to sponsor some sweet new uniforms.
Okay, you're just doing bad news bears now.
Let's drop it.
Okay, well, I just came to get my bag.
Good luck with the speech.
Wait, can I ask you your honest opinion?
- Sure.
- Okay.
This is for my opening.
I always thought my success
would be meaningful.
Was it meaningful when I got
my fulbright scholarship
or when I was profiled in
the online version
of New York Magazine's
30 under 30 power players?
Are you gonna mention the part where
you sold the most girl scout cookies?
I did.
How did you know that?
- It's a wild guess.
- Get this.
I traded Brenda Clinger
all my shortbreads for all of her samoas.
I mean, why would she do that?
It's all about the samoas.
She was so screwed.
Oh, my God, she cried, and she cried,
and she cried,
and then she got her period.
God, I loved the girl scouts.
You do belong in that world.
You deserve it.
Thank you.
Mm.
That's so sweet.
Wait... [stammers]
That was a compliment, right?
Goodnight, Whitley.
[Upbeat music]
Look at all this, like pigs to a trough.
These people are disgusting.
What do you call what you're doing?
I'm eating crab cakes. They're perishable.
So we can't give them to the poor people.
They got crab cakes?
Who do you got to blow around here
to get a crab cake?
I think that'd be me.
Whoa.
[Gasps]
Nina, you look amazeballs.
Thank you, Cheryl. So do you.
I love that dress. It's very sophisticated.
[Squeals] That's what I was going for.
Spanx.
[Whispers] No panties.
Day-to-night.
Look at you, Nina, just so lovely.
You look so sturdy in that gown.
Thank you.
I've always admired women
with diminutive bust lines
who aren't afraid
to feature their shoulders.
Right.
There are people you should meet here.
Are you ready to work the room?
Work the roo... yes.
Thank you so much, Debbie.
Oh, don't thank me, just owe me.
Thanks for the copier.
Nina Whitley, I'd like you to meet
Maria Keely of the Keely Foundation.
I can't believe we're
finally getting to meet.
I have heard so much about you.
Oh, that has all been
so widely exaggerated.
It was actually a very small vase.
It slipped right out of my hands.
Nope. Nope.
But that's not even
what you're talking about.
I know who you are, Maria.
Your name's on the ice
sculpture by the shrimp,
and your hair is amazing.
It's so shiny, and you look
like you're airbrushed.
Is that a weird thing to say to somebody?
Only if you say it out loud.
[Laughter]
Isn't she hilarious? I find her fun.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, I can't wait
to hear your speech, Nina?
- Great.
- Congresswoman Phelps.
- Excuse me, ladies.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Off you go.
Thank you so much, Debbie.
- Thank you so much.
- Do not screw up that speech, hmm?
Uh-huh.
- Hey, there.
- Oh.
- How you doing tonight?
- Oh, I'm better now.
[Laughs]
I'm Cheryl.
- And you are?
- Rich.
Well, of course you are.
I thought success...
No, I thought real success.
[Exhales] Okay, focus.
Focus. Just focus.
- [Whistles]
- I thought...
Oh, my God, there was no game.
You came here for me.
[Singsong] You like me.
- Oh, there was a game.
- Okay.
It ended early.
You go up by 20, they call it.
Okay, so a half hour ago,
you were all sweaty in your tube socks
and your old whistle thingy,
and now, you're here with the hair
and the woodsy spice smell
and jawline-y thing,
and... right. Right, right, right, okay.
Look at you, doing good. Schmoozing, huh?
Oh, you saw that?
Yeah, that was Maria Keely
of the Keely Foundation.
She loved me. She knows everyone.
Phil, if I nail this speech,
I am so back in.
I mean, I'm gonna be unstoppable.
Trent.
Nina, hi.
Hey.
- Wow, you look amazing.
- Oh.
Phil, you're looking pretty good.
Oh, thank you. I look
better than her though,
- right?
- I don't know.
It's close.
Why are you here?
This is a public defender thing.
No, relax. I'm just here as a plus one.
Plus one? Like, plus one what?
- Hey, peanut butter pie.
- Hey.
- Oh, you made it.
- Yeah.
Nina, this is Maria.
Oh, we met.
Maria, Maria.
You know what, I got to go see
a man about a... something's burning, so...
She okay?
I don't know, but I think she just went
- into the men's bathroom.
- Oh, my bad!
Oh, there she is. She figured it out.
Trent's fiancee is Maria.
Rich, perfect, beautiful, rich Maria.
- You said "rich" twice.
- Yeah.
And apparently, I just
walked into a men's room,
and saw a dozen old-man penises.
You had no idea that
that was Trent's fiancee?
I took great pains to not know
because I knew this would happen,
and now it's happening
at the worst possible time.
I mean, the woman has no pores, okay?
And this morning, I had an ear zit.
There's a certain irony
that I'm the one doing this,
but here goes.
It's like I tell my team of boys.
- Oh, my God, I thought there was one girl.
- Yeah, that's right.
You got to get yourself
in a winning head space.
You keep focused.
You keep it together,
and you make that speech.
All right, can we not use your fictional
orphan children as an example?
Okay, how about we try this one?
You're prepared. Hmm?
You are smarter
than ten Marias put together.
Yeah.
[Exhales]
I mean, she didn't seem
that smart, did she?
- Pshh.
- Yeah, no, I got this.
I can do this.
[Applause]
Good evening.
First, I'd like to thank everybody
who helped out with
this wonderful event tonight.
A special thanks to my fiance Trent.
It was only last spring we met
at the Colon Cancer Art Walk,
but I can't imagine
how I survived without you,
but we are here to raise money
for our brave Los Angeles
county public defenders.
So if you would join me in welcoming
one of it's newest shining
stars, Nina Whitley.
[Applause]
Thank you, Maria,
for a lovely introduction.
Was it meaningful when I got
my fulbright scholarship?
Yes, but none of that compares
to the work I do here
day in and day, um...
The Colon Walk?
Huh.
Anyway, I was profiled in the...
I'm just... I'm doing the math.
And we were still toge...
Nevermind.
Okay, I swear... I swear I rehearsed this.
I did.
Okay.
It was very meaningful
when I got my ful-brat scholar-shimp...
Ooh, my what?
[Laughs] My what?
Fulbright scholar-shimp.
Ship. Shimp.
Ship. Sh... sh... s-man-ship.
Oh, wow.
This is... this is not going my way, is it?
[Laughs] No.
[Exhales]
You know, I really thought that if I,
you know, dazzled you
tonight with this speech,
that you'd let me back into money law,
but well, that was a stupid plan, right?
I mean, that was ridiculous.
That was a ridiculous plan.
- What the hell is she doing?
- Oh, don't worry about it.
She's doing terrific.
I mean, I do. I want the money.
I want the money part of it
because that new Hermes bag,
I want to cradle it to my bosom,
and I want to sing it
sweet lullabies all night,
but I won't be able to do that
because I have clearly screwed
the pooch here, again.
I guess I haven't really learned anything.
Except, you know what,
I have learned one thing.
I've learned that being poor is a crime,
'cause that's who I defend now.
The Mexican kid that experiments with drugs
and then gets deported.
But when your kid experiments with drugs,
that's called college.
Now I'm up here begging you for money
because they slashed our budget again.
Now, I'm... you back off, dream crusher.
I am not a jagbag.
I am a public defender.
[Gags] Oh. Mm.
Oh, wow.
I've never... I've never said that out loud.
[Exhales]
All right, so play the music.
Hit it. Play me off.
[Phone chimes]
All right, that's close enough.
Oh, and you know what, thank you so much
for the outdated copier.
We love unjamming that piece
of crap every five seconds.
[Applause]
I got to say, I like that speech
a whole lot better
than the one you rehearsed.
Thank you.
That's very sweet.
And thank you for the drink.
Boy, I need that.
No, these are both for me.
Oh. Thank you.
Nina, I have to thank you for everything
you said up there.
You do not have to thank me.
Oh, but I do.
It looks like I'm a lock
for next year's speech.
- [Laughs]
- Okay, okay, all right.
How'd the speech go?
- Oh, not so great.
- Aw.
But hey, hey, what are you doing here?
I thought you were with
Mr. Rich Chivalrous lawyer.
He's a waiter.
His name is Rich, and he kept saying,
"oh, would you like another?"
And I thought he was trying
to loosen me up,
but then it turns out
he was just doing his job.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
You know what, you'll get
him next time, Cheryl.
- Will she?
- Okay.
Yes, she will.
You know, if my speech had
gone a little bit better,
you guys might've lost me.
It was so close. You would've been sad.
I don't know that it was ever that close.
[Sighs]
[Knock on door]
Hey, kid.
Little housewarming gift.
Wha... I love it.
Thank you.
It's actually mine, so I'm gonna
need that back at some point.
That makes more sense.
Man, this place really is tiny.
Okay.
There you are. Good.
A little hustle.
Melinda, Chop Chop. Diego.
Up, Marnold, Nina.
Nina, Marnold.
Go help.
I bet you feel like
a giant asshole right now.
Oh, please, you could've got those kids
from anywhere for real
cheap, especially Marnold.
He looks a little sickly.
Seriously? What is wrong with you?
I don't know. I don't know.
I'm broken.
[Both laugh]
a little smaller than your previous place,
but it's still pretty nice.
You know, the landlord's a buddy of mine.
This place isn't even listed.
He's letting us get in early. Take a look.
So, Nina Whitley, welcome to your new home.
Huh?
Huh.
Okay.
Is there another half?
No, this is the whole thing.
Okay, um...
[Clears throat]
You know what, I do like to take a place
and make it my own,
do some decorating and some futzing.
I'm a bit of a futzer.
Wow, were the last tenants
who lived here Keebler Elves?
This place is really tiny.
I don't know if I can do it.
I don't think I can do this.
I can't, actually.
I can't do this. I can't...
Where would I put my i-shaped couch?
Hey, you're a public defender now.
This is a public defender-sized space.
You want to live in a murder-free zip
code in this area... this is the size.
Listen, between us, I'd jump on this quick.
It's not gonna be around forever,
so what do you say?
Oh, my God.
You're getting a commission
from your little landlord
buddy friend, aren't you?
What? It's not a game-changing amount.
I mean, it's more I'm doing
a favor for the guy.
It's win-win for everybody.
Son of a bitch.
♪ Hey, now ♪
Benched - 01x02
Downsizing
♪ Hey, now ♪
[Telephone rings]
All right, boys and girls,
it's that time of the year again.
The time when you shed your
larvae skin, become a butterfly?
I'm talking about the Keely
Foundation fundraising gala...
Where we beg for money
for this sinking ship,
and if you want a job to come back to,
you'll schmooze, suck up,
and do whatever you have to do
to whore yourselves out, huh?
I'm fine with being a whore.
That's the next thing
on the agenda, Cheryl.
This year, try to keep the drunkenness
down to about a six, huh?
And if you do hook up with
a valet again, not in public.
In my defense, I thought his car windows
were more tinted than they were.
And I also need somebody to do
the obligatory thank-you
speech on our behalf.
Anybody? Any takers?
Anyone?
- I'll do it.
- Whatever.
Well, this all sounds super exciting,
and it's gonna literally
kill me to miss it,
but I won't be there.
- And why not?
- I have a thing.
- Of course you do.
- Oh, boy, a thing?
Well, if you must know,
I coach a basketball team of at-risk kids,
and that's the night
of their championship game.
Whatever. I hate kids.
Look, I want the rest of you
to make sure you're there,
and make sure you thank
everybody from the foundation
for that goddamn copier
that they gave us, okay?
Okay? I can't hear your heads rattling.
Yes, yes, okay.
- Wow, you are good.
- Good at what?
What is it really?
You can tell me. I get it.
I mean, this thing sounds like a nightmare.
What? No, no.
I love hanging around with a bunch
of jagbag lawyers watching them mingle
and grease each other up like seals.
Jagbags, which are...
That's what you get when you
combine jag-off corporate lawyers
and douche bag corporate lawyers...
Jagbag.
How many jagbags are gonna be there?
Let's see. All of them.
- All... all of them?
- Yeah, every firm.
They send their best jagbags,
and it's like a Harry Potter convention,
except instead of nerds in robes,
it's jagbags in suits.
Well, I think this girl needs to get her
Potter wand broom thingy
and get ready to fight
some wizard zombies in glasses.
I've never seen the movie.
So now you want to do the speech?
Sure, I think I'd be good at it,
and I get the value of saying thanks
to all the people who help us,
you know, the little people.
Bulldick, you just want to show off
in front of these people,
so that you can weasel
your way back into money law.
Maybe. I have needs.
My... my skin has needs, okay?
I have a very complicated t-zone,
and there isn't any
one product that can tame it.
Look, these are my people.
I speak fluent jagbag, all right?
So just let me do this.
- I'd be... I'd be...
- Fine, whatever.
I really don't give a sh...
Just go back to doing lawyer things, huh?
You're not gonna regret this.
Thank you so much.
I... yeah.
Okay, uh, Whispers.
- Hmm.
- That's your real name.
All right, you're off on probation
and a fine for soliciting.
- Oh.
- A little advice.
You seem like a smart girl.
You can do better than this.
You're right.
It's time for me to take that step up,
even though change can be so hard.
Oh, God, I hear you.
You should see this hovel
I might have to move into.
Hey, Nina, I've been meaning to ask.
Okay.
How do I get a Trent?
A what?
A Trent.
Handsome, successful.
It's been a ragged year on the man front,
and I usually don't even get
a good look at them
until the next day,
and then by then, you know,
teeth in the glass, wig on the floor.
Right.
You got a Trent. How did you do it?
You realize he dumped me, right?
Okay, but pre-dumped Nina...
What would she have done?
This fundraiser is coming up,
and it's my best chance
to meet a fancy guy like
the kind you used to get.
Well, it's actually not that hard, Cheryl.
You just... you find something you want,
whether it be a job or a guy like Trent
who wears a suit so tailored
it makes you derail every single
one of your dreams...
And then you focus.
You focus on that voice
inside of you that says,
"that's mine."
And nothing else should matter.
What about the voice that
says, "you deserve nothing"?
- Is that a voice?
- You don't hear it?
No.
They said no.
No? What do you...
Wait, what do you mean they said no?
- They didn't approve you to give the speech.
- Not approving?
"They"? Who's "they"?
The head of the events committee,
Debbie Mathersons.
From Schuster Alexander?
Sh... Debbie... my old firm.
Ah, now it makes sense.
At first I thought who the hell cares
about some dumb speech?
Did you think they'd forget
your complete mental collapse in the lobby
after smashing a million-dollar
vase from Eddie Rabbitt?
Elton John. Eddie Rabbitt?
What the hell is wrong with you?
I love the rainy night, you and I,
Juice Newton... don't you get out?
Yeah, but not a lot since 1970.
Look, I'm better now.
Can't you call her and tell her
that I'm a new person?
- Yeah.
- You're not gonna call her.
- No.
- Bye, Burt.
Bye, angry lady.
And please, thank Debbie again
for taking this meeting.
Yeah, I'll def... I will definitely be there.
Thank you, thank you.
Okay, bye.
Yes.
Wow. You want it that bad?
You will literally grovel to the woman
that got the promotion you deserved...
By sleeping with the boss.
And that's not deeply humiliating?
Do you know what's deeply humiliating...
Is having a client pee in your purse
while the judge laughs
at your bail request.
I belong in corporate law...
- Oh.
- Among nice things.
No, you don't get up on your medium horse,
Mr. "I have to skip
the fundraiser for a thing."
Quick, how many boys you coach?
Trick question. We got a girl.
She's got the best jump shot.
- Oh, yeah, what's her name?
- Melinda.
- What's your center's name?
- Marnold Estefan... Evez.
Shame on you.
Oh, you're new.
Hi, Nina Whitley for Debbie Mathersons.
Miss Mathersons?
Uh, miss Whitley is here to see you.
[Clears throat]
[Overlapping chatter]
[Table clatters]
- Nina.
- Hey, Debbie.
How you doing?
This is not what it looks like.
That you broke a table
and almost another expensive vase?
Oh, okay, then it is what it looks like.
Oh, wow.
It looks much bigger than
it did on my vision board.
Please excuse the mess.
I've been going back
and forth with my decorator.
My life is a series of Chenille Swatches.
Mine too.
Wow, is that the new Hermes?
- It is.
- Can I touch it?
- I wish you wouldn't.
- Okay.
Yeah, that was weird.
I see how that was weird.
Listen, Debbie, I just wanted
to come and tell you
that I understand why you didn't want
to approve me for the speech.
Listen, Nina, you really
don't have to do this.
No, I do.
I mean, after the way I acted,
look, I probably
would've turned me down too.
I was in a very stressful place,
and you... you won that
partnership fair and square.
Listen, I know you think
I was sleeping with Winston.
What? No.
If I implied that, no.
Oh, he wanted to, big time.
He texted me words
and pictures to that effect,
so I blackmailed him.
Like, blackmail-blackmail?
Like blackmail. It works.
Whatever it takes, right?
Yeah.
Oh, God, Debbie,
I want back in so bad,
I can taste it in my mouth.
I can feel it in my bones,
and a little bit down there,
okay, and this speech is my ticket
to any job with an office and a chair
with a lever that makes it go up and down
and makes that... [blowing air] Noise.
[Sighs] And if you let me back in the game,
you've got a lawyer
who owes you a huge favor.
So you do me a solid,
down the road... sisters.
I like that. Like, when one
sister owns the other sister.
Yeah.
I got the speech.
I nailed it. I am back.
Still got it, bitches.
- You actually did it?
- Yup.
I'm impressed with your balls.
Well, if you were coming to the fundraiser,
you'd get to see them in a dress
because I'm gonna be
all cleavage and balls.
Wait, why is she giving the speech?
- She begged.
- But I raised my hand.
Yeah, listlessly.
I mean, I didn't know you were
actually interested.
Here.
Fact... by the year 2045,
over 90% of American babies
will be born in prison.
What the hell? That's not a fact.
It's my own projections.
It's a first draft.
You can't insult these people.
Who give a sh... about those people?
It's our night, the public defenders.
We get to say and do what we want.
He actually makes a great point.
You get free booze.
You're getting free shrimp.
Quit while you're ahead.
That's also a great point.
Nina is doing the speech, end of story.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a warm welcome
to the hardest working P.D. in...
No, no, no. I'm not working on cases.
I'm working on my speech.
Oh, the speech that's
gonna save Nina Whitley
from the indignity of living
in a normal-sized apartment.
Almost sad I'm gonna miss it.
Oh, but of course, you've got
those little boys, Melinda,
and Marnold Estefan Evez
in their tattered uniforms
and their little toes poking out
of their mismatched shoes.
No, actually, I got a bail bonds place
to sponsor some sweet new uniforms.
Okay, you're just doing bad news bears now.
Let's drop it.
Okay, well, I just came to get my bag.
Good luck with the speech.
Wait, can I ask you your honest opinion?
- Sure.
- Okay.
This is for my opening.
I always thought my success
would be meaningful.
Was it meaningful when I got
my fulbright scholarship
or when I was profiled in
the online version
of New York Magazine's
30 under 30 power players?
Are you gonna mention the part where
you sold the most girl scout cookies?
I did.
How did you know that?
- It's a wild guess.
- Get this.
I traded Brenda Clinger
all my shortbreads for all of her samoas.
I mean, why would she do that?
It's all about the samoas.
She was so screwed.
Oh, my God, she cried, and she cried,
and she cried,
and then she got her period.
God, I loved the girl scouts.
You do belong in that world.
You deserve it.
Thank you.
Mm.
That's so sweet.
Wait... [stammers]
That was a compliment, right?
Goodnight, Whitley.
[Upbeat music]
Look at all this, like pigs to a trough.
These people are disgusting.
What do you call what you're doing?
I'm eating crab cakes. They're perishable.
So we can't give them to the poor people.
They got crab cakes?
Who do you got to blow around here
to get a crab cake?
I think that'd be me.
Whoa.
[Gasps]
Nina, you look amazeballs.
Thank you, Cheryl. So do you.
I love that dress. It's very sophisticated.
[Squeals] That's what I was going for.
Spanx.
[Whispers] No panties.
Day-to-night.
Look at you, Nina, just so lovely.
You look so sturdy in that gown.
Thank you.
I've always admired women
with diminutive bust lines
who aren't afraid
to feature their shoulders.
Right.
There are people you should meet here.
Are you ready to work the room?
Work the roo... yes.
Thank you so much, Debbie.
Oh, don't thank me, just owe me.
Thanks for the copier.
Nina Whitley, I'd like you to meet
Maria Keely of the Keely Foundation.
I can't believe we're
finally getting to meet.
I have heard so much about you.
Oh, that has all been
so widely exaggerated.
It was actually a very small vase.
It slipped right out of my hands.
Nope. Nope.
But that's not even
what you're talking about.
I know who you are, Maria.
Your name's on the ice
sculpture by the shrimp,
and your hair is amazing.
It's so shiny, and you look
like you're airbrushed.
Is that a weird thing to say to somebody?
Only if you say it out loud.
[Laughter]
Isn't she hilarious? I find her fun.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, I can't wait
to hear your speech, Nina?
- Great.
- Congresswoman Phelps.
- Excuse me, ladies.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Off you go.
Thank you so much, Debbie.
- Thank you so much.
- Do not screw up that speech, hmm?
Uh-huh.
- Hey, there.
- Oh.
- How you doing tonight?
- Oh, I'm better now.
[Laughs]
I'm Cheryl.
- And you are?
- Rich.
Well, of course you are.
I thought success...
No, I thought real success.
[Exhales] Okay, focus.
Focus. Just focus.
- [Whistles]
- I thought...
Oh, my God, there was no game.
You came here for me.
[Singsong] You like me.
- Oh, there was a game.
- Okay.
It ended early.
You go up by 20, they call it.
Okay, so a half hour ago,
you were all sweaty in your tube socks
and your old whistle thingy,
and now, you're here with the hair
and the woodsy spice smell
and jawline-y thing,
and... right. Right, right, right, okay.
Look at you, doing good. Schmoozing, huh?
Oh, you saw that?
Yeah, that was Maria Keely
of the Keely Foundation.
She loved me. She knows everyone.
Phil, if I nail this speech,
I am so back in.
I mean, I'm gonna be unstoppable.
Trent.
Nina, hi.
Hey.
- Wow, you look amazing.
- Oh.
Phil, you're looking pretty good.
Oh, thank you. I look
better than her though,
- right?
- I don't know.
It's close.
Why are you here?
This is a public defender thing.
No, relax. I'm just here as a plus one.
Plus one? Like, plus one what?
- Hey, peanut butter pie.
- Hey.
- Oh, you made it.
- Yeah.
Nina, this is Maria.
Oh, we met.
Maria, Maria.
You know what, I got to go see
a man about a... something's burning, so...
She okay?
I don't know, but I think she just went
- into the men's bathroom.
- Oh, my bad!
Oh, there she is. She figured it out.
Trent's fiancee is Maria.
Rich, perfect, beautiful, rich Maria.
- You said "rich" twice.
- Yeah.
And apparently, I just
walked into a men's room,
and saw a dozen old-man penises.
You had no idea that
that was Trent's fiancee?
I took great pains to not know
because I knew this would happen,
and now it's happening
at the worst possible time.
I mean, the woman has no pores, okay?
And this morning, I had an ear zit.
There's a certain irony
that I'm the one doing this,
but here goes.
It's like I tell my team of boys.
- Oh, my God, I thought there was one girl.
- Yeah, that's right.
You got to get yourself
in a winning head space.
You keep focused.
You keep it together,
and you make that speech.
All right, can we not use your fictional
orphan children as an example?
Okay, how about we try this one?
You're prepared. Hmm?
You are smarter
than ten Marias put together.
Yeah.
[Exhales]
I mean, she didn't seem
that smart, did she?
- Pshh.
- Yeah, no, I got this.
I can do this.
[Applause]
Good evening.
First, I'd like to thank everybody
who helped out with
this wonderful event tonight.
A special thanks to my fiance Trent.
It was only last spring we met
at the Colon Cancer Art Walk,
but I can't imagine
how I survived without you,
but we are here to raise money
for our brave Los Angeles
county public defenders.
So if you would join me in welcoming
one of it's newest shining
stars, Nina Whitley.
[Applause]
Thank you, Maria,
for a lovely introduction.
Was it meaningful when I got
my fulbright scholarship?
Yes, but none of that compares
to the work I do here
day in and day, um...
The Colon Walk?
Huh.
Anyway, I was profiled in the...
I'm just... I'm doing the math.
And we were still toge...
Nevermind.
Okay, I swear... I swear I rehearsed this.
I did.
Okay.
It was very meaningful
when I got my ful-brat scholar-shimp...
Ooh, my what?
[Laughs] My what?
Fulbright scholar-shimp.
Ship. Shimp.
Ship. Sh... sh... s-man-ship.
Oh, wow.
This is... this is not going my way, is it?
[Laughs] No.
[Exhales]
You know, I really thought that if I,
you know, dazzled you
tonight with this speech,
that you'd let me back into money law,
but well, that was a stupid plan, right?
I mean, that was ridiculous.
That was a ridiculous plan.
- What the hell is she doing?
- Oh, don't worry about it.
She's doing terrific.
I mean, I do. I want the money.
I want the money part of it
because that new Hermes bag,
I want to cradle it to my bosom,
and I want to sing it
sweet lullabies all night,
but I won't be able to do that
because I have clearly screwed
the pooch here, again.
I guess I haven't really learned anything.
Except, you know what,
I have learned one thing.
I've learned that being poor is a crime,
'cause that's who I defend now.
The Mexican kid that experiments with drugs
and then gets deported.
But when your kid experiments with drugs,
that's called college.
Now I'm up here begging you for money
because they slashed our budget again.
Now, I'm... you back off, dream crusher.
I am not a jagbag.
I am a public defender.
[Gags] Oh. Mm.
Oh, wow.
I've never... I've never said that out loud.
[Exhales]
All right, so play the music.
Hit it. Play me off.
[Phone chimes]
All right, that's close enough.
Oh, and you know what, thank you so much
for the outdated copier.
We love unjamming that piece
of crap every five seconds.
[Applause]
I got to say, I like that speech
a whole lot better
than the one you rehearsed.
Thank you.
That's very sweet.
And thank you for the drink.
Boy, I need that.
No, these are both for me.
Oh. Thank you.
Nina, I have to thank you for everything
you said up there.
You do not have to thank me.
Oh, but I do.
It looks like I'm a lock
for next year's speech.
- [Laughs]
- Okay, okay, all right.
How'd the speech go?
- Oh, not so great.
- Aw.
But hey, hey, what are you doing here?
I thought you were with
Mr. Rich Chivalrous lawyer.
He's a waiter.
His name is Rich, and he kept saying,
"oh, would you like another?"
And I thought he was trying
to loosen me up,
but then it turns out
he was just doing his job.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
You know what, you'll get
him next time, Cheryl.
- Will she?
- Okay.
Yes, she will.
You know, if my speech had
gone a little bit better,
you guys might've lost me.
It was so close. You would've been sad.
I don't know that it was ever that close.
[Sighs]
[Knock on door]
Hey, kid.
Little housewarming gift.
Wha... I love it.
Thank you.
It's actually mine, so I'm gonna
need that back at some point.
That makes more sense.
Man, this place really is tiny.
Okay.
There you are. Good.
A little hustle.
Melinda, Chop Chop. Diego.
Up, Marnold, Nina.
Nina, Marnold.
Go help.
I bet you feel like
a giant asshole right now.
Oh, please, you could've got those kids
from anywhere for real
cheap, especially Marnold.
He looks a little sickly.
Seriously? What is wrong with you?
I don't know. I don't know.
I'm broken.
[Both laugh]