Benched (2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
[Elevator dings]
[People chatting]
Hey, we're still on the clock,
so everybody drink two glasses.
[Laughter]
Everybody here? Where's Nina?
Probably on the phone with
three countries at once,
having her way with them.
Take it easy, Nina, and get in here.
- [Sniffling]
- So since we broke up
seemingly not too long ago,
I wanted you to hear I got engaged from me,
not someone else.
Are you ready to make partner or what?
Out of respect for
Maria, I've just opted...
- It's Trent.
- Not to include you...
Your ex?
Trent, I got to go, 'cause
they're about to announce
who made partner, and as usual,
your timing is impeccable,
and by impeccable,
I mean colossally shitty.
Forget Trent.
Come on.
[Groans]
[Sniffles]
There's Nina.
Let's do this.
I want to take a minute and talk about
what sets this person apart from everyone.
And it's more than a work ethic.
You must be bursting at the seams.
- Yeah.
- Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Screw it. You know what?
Let's just get this done.
The newest partner of
Schuster Alexander is...
Debbie Mathersons.
- Oh!
- Me?
- No.
- Wh... really, me?
You.
- Wow, Debbie.
- Oh.
Congratulations. I'm so happy for you.
Oh, thank you.
This must be a little bit
of a surprise though for you.
It is a surprise.
I mean, I don't think I'm
the only one who's surprised.
- Keith, you surprised?
- Um, sure.
- A pleasant surprise.
- Thank you.
Anyway, I just really want to say...
I mean, Debbie is a good lawyer, right?
She's not a bad lawyer.
She's a good lawyer.
A good lawyer with great breasts.
- [Laughs]
- Oh.
Where as with me, you just
go ahead and flip that.
My breasts aren't gonna win any awards.
That was my lawyering. Lots of awards.
I'm sorry. I'm making this about me.
This is not about me. This is your moment.
- Right.
- This is Debbie's moment.
Yeah, Debbie, whoo, up top!
Yeah.
Anyway, I just want to say that...
Seriously though?
I haven't slept more than two hours a night
for the past five years,
and you pass over me
to make Debbie partner?
I mean, I can see why it's not Nancy.
I mean, she's failed the bar twice.
And Rick has yet to win a case,
and he steals toner and sells it on eBay.
But Debbie?
I kick Debbie's ass.
I kick all of your asses.
[All exclaim]
I had a fiancé... [Glass shatters]
but I gave the best years of my life
to this place instead of
him, so he broke up with me,
and three months later, he's
engaged to somebody else.
Trent's engaged? That's fantas...
[all exclaim]
I gave you everything for nothing.
Nina.
[All exclaim]
That was a gift from Elton John.
Shut your piehole, Winston.
You with your halitosis
and your obvious affection
for Debbie's tits.
Oh.
Enjoy them, 'cause me
and my tiny little tits
are gonna go to the bar and
get toilet-hugging drunk,
so all of you can go piss up a rope.
[Muzak playing]
♪
[Buttons clacking]
It's after 5:00, so you
have to use your card.
Right, thank you.
[Scanner beeps]
♪
Wow, I was really angry earlier.
But, I mean, come on,
haven't you guys ever gotten upset before?
John, saw you crying in your car.
I have cancer.
Okay.
You know you're never gonna
work in corporate law again.
Is that right? Well, watch me.
'Cause the next job I get
is gonna be ten times better
than this ass carnival.
Sayonara, mother-[Bleep].
[Elevator dings]
[Sighs]
[Rock music]
♪ Hey now ♪
♪ hey now ♪
_
♪ hey now ♪
[elevator dings]
Excuse me. [Clears throat]
Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.
_
[People chatting, baby crying]
[Hip-hop music]
♪ I had a rough year ♪
♪ but there's no going back ♪
♪ when your shit is all jacked ♪
No. [Speaking Spanish]
[Water sizzling]
♪ You just want to run ♪
♪ what do you want to run for? ♪
♪ Why do you run? ♪
- * What do you want to run for? *
- Yeah, I understand that.
Hi there.
Cheryl?
Yeah, I understand, but
she's a public defender,
she's not a corrections officer.
- Cheryl?
- What?
Maybe you should come in
here and explain to the warden
how you lost his prisoner.
My explanation is, apparently
when you leave a client to pee,
you have to tell a guard
or they won't guard,
which you'd think they
would do automatically
since they are guards, but apparently not.
So the guy escaped.
Great suit. That ain't from Penney's.
Oh, thank you. It's not.
Sir, I'm Nina Whitley,
so if you could show me to my office,
be happy to get started.
Ooh, Nina Whitley?
The crazy lady who smashed a vase
over Elton John's head?
You're a legend.
That's you. You got five minutes.
Yeah, Henry, I'm still here.
I'm sorry, five minutes to what?
Court. Session starts in five.
- Get a move on it.
- What?
That's insane.
I mean, yes, sir. Not a problem.
Listen, I heard about you.
You're gonna put a lid
on these temper tantrums.
We don't do that around here.
Henry, you goddamn polack, listen to me!
[All shouting]
Cut it out out there.
Take that shit outside.
Cut it out!
Get these guys outside.
Who's your parole officer?
I'm writing you up, knucklehead.
You can't pull this shit in here.
Cut it out!
- So are you the new gal?
- Yeah.
Is it true that you went all Gary Busey
and smashed a lamp in
George Michael's face?
What? No, it was Elton John.
And he wasn't even there.
That was an isolated incident, okay?
I'm just gonna...
Pay your dues.
Play nice. Slum it here for a while,
six months, earn your
way back to money law.
Nice to meet you too.
I'm Nina, and I'm hoping
it's more like three months.
And you are Phil Quinlen,
card-carrying member of
Chimango Casino gold club?
Wow.
That how you augment
your fat county salary?
Oh, you should see the rims on my Corolla.
In fact, I'll win a bet right now.
- What's that?
- You're gonna be late for court.
Shit.
I mean, shoot.
- Shit, shit.
- It's okay, we say that here.
Shit, shit.
Whoa, oh, God.
Jesus, what's that smell?
Last time, a possum died in the vent,
but my guess is, the sewer exploded.
- Oh.
- You Nina?
- Yeah, you are?
- You got arraignments.
- You got to give pleas...
- All rise.
Court of the county of Los Angeles
is now in session.
Honorable Don P. Nelson is now presiding.
Jesus Christ, it smells
like baked crap in here.
Trent, you hit a deer
out there in the hallway?
No, Your Honor. I think I'd remember that.
Trent?
Nina.
Trent.
- Trent.
- Nina.
Trent, Nina,
judge, court, plea, now.
Your Honor, I'm sorry.
It's just that Trent
and I used to be enga...
Date. We used to date.
Date?
That's all it was? Dating?
Well, Trent, is that all it was?
Well, you know, she...
I'm kidding. I don't give a shit.
This is court, people, not Maury Povich.
Defense, how do you plead?
Your Honor, I need a short recess,
'cause I have to go resign.
Five-minute recess. [Gavel pounds]
Hey, what's the deal?
I'm quitting. That's the deal.
I'm gonna go home, open
a nice bottle of wine,
smash it on the counter,
and shank myself with it.
Were you a giant pussy at your old job?
Who are you?
Micah, intern, second-year law student,
and the only one here besides you
that doesn't want to throw
all of your clients into a dungeon.
Cool, cool. Quick question.
Why is my ex-fiancé here?
Trent's the new deputy D.A.
Got here six months ago.
- Charms all the judges' panties off.
- Yeah, that's in his skill set.
Yeah, and if you leave
now, all of your clients
get thrown back in that punch bowl
until they're reassigned council,
which could take days, or weeks.
So maybe do us a solid
and finish out the day.
You are one spirited little lesbian.
- Who said I'm a lesbian?
- No one.
Not... no, not me. Not anyone. No one did.
Great lip ring.
Are we still on the payroll here?
[Sighs]
Yes, Your Honor, we are.
Am I getting a colonoscopy?
Well, we are trying to
find the poopy smell.
Well, it's not me. Scoot.
Miss Whitley, plea.
Okay, Hector? Hector?
Yes.
Uh, yes, you are charged with...
Ooh.
You stuffed your wife in the chimney?
I don't have a chimney.
Did you stuff your wife
in someone else's chimney?
I don't have a wife.
Because she's dead in a chimney.
No. I'm loitering. Hector Calindo.
- What?
- The file's mislabeled.
Right. Sure. Why wouldn't it be?
Let's boogie. How does defendant plea?
Not guilty, Your Honor.
Oh.
What? What? It happens.
Not guilty. I mean, come on.
He was picked up outside of Home Depot
looking for day labor.
Your Honor, the defendant
was harassing patrons.
Oh, please.
Mr. Calindo, could you show us
how you were harassing people?
Trabajo! Trabajo!
Por favor, trabajo!
Okay, right.
Bail is set at 1,500.
- Next case.
- No, wait, no.
He cannot afford that.
And I didn't even get to say stuff yet.
I'm sorry.
How are... how you doing?
You hanging in there?
Thank you. I'm actually... it's...
Next case. [Gavel pounds]
Mrs. Desilvo poses no threat.
- She's...
- I am gonna kill Merv Griffin.
Already dead, boss.
Bail, $10,000.
[Gavel pounds] Next.
♪ Hey now ♪
Yeah, I got nothing.
Bail is revoked.
Denied.
Next case.
[Rock music]
♪
♪ hey now ♪
Well, I batted 1,000 today.
Did I even need to be here?
Nina.
I know this is strange,
and I'm sorry if that phone call upset you.
I just wanted to do the right thing.
If I'd known it was gonna cause you
to bash Michael Bolton with a bowl...
What? No.
It was Elton John, okay, and it was a vase,
not a bowl, and he wasn't even there.
Never mind.
Well, it looks like we're gonna be
working together a lot,
so if there's anything...
Anything what?
For me, for you?
I mean, I don't have
anything for you anymore.
No, I mean, maybe your fiancee does.
Maybe that's what you meant.
That's probably what you meant.
So good talk.
Hey, somebody survived
their first public defender massacre.
You know what, this calls for a toast.
- Toast?
- Yeah.
What, no, I just let the
city's impoverished out to dry.
Oh, hey, if you got that in
the vending machine on five,
- I wouldn't...
- [Gagging, coughing]
Open it.
Okay, I am going to go get a salad.
Oh, no, hey, I got salad right here.
Olives? It's 12:15.
I don't want a drink.
I just want a quick bite
so I can review my cases.
Hey, Erin Brockovich,
slow it down a little bit.
Didn't anybody ever tell you
it's rude to turn down a drink?
Did anyone ever tell you
that you talk like a date rapist?
Oh, my God, you slept with Trent Barber!
Already?
Damn, first day? That's ambitious.
Okay, is there any Nina
gossip out there about,
like, my good qualities?
Like, "Nina can speak business Mandarin,"
"Nina has small pores."
I don't think Square Jaw
is gonna be around for much longer.
I think he's just, you
know, shoring up his résumé
so he can run for his office.
He's gonna do the tough-on-crime time,
throw some minorities in jail, get elected.
If you're brown, you're going down.
No, you don't... Cheryl,
you don't get to say that.
I can say that. You can't. Ever.
Don't worry about being dumped by Trent.
I mean, I can't keep a man to save my life.
Yeah, especially if it's
a prisoner in your custody.
Okay, 1,000 bucks, he
turns up within 24 hours.
$1,000. You got it, blondie.
Hello, hello. All right, I want in.
Burt, I got 20 on you.
Nina, you want in on this action?
Uh, no, I'm good.
I don't have a drinking
or a gambling problem,
just a social, romantic,
and living my life problem.
Come on, captain no fun, where you going?
I'm gonna go talk to my clients, okay?
I'm not gonna look like
an ass in court again.
I'll look at your ass in court again.
Wow, you spun that into gold.
[Chuckles]
I did. I did.
Ynes Gutierrez?
Ynes Gutierrez? Ynes Gutierrez?
Hi, I need to see Ynes Gutierrez.
She has an arraignment,
and she's not in the pen.
I do not know her present location.
Okay, well, I'm her lawyer,
and I need to see her now.
Ma'am, you do not run this place.
I run this place, and I decide who you see
and who you do not see.
Okay. [Buzzing]
Guess it's retrieve your own prisoner day,
budget cutbacks and all.
[Sighs]
Yeah, that's a security door.
Also works on a buzzer.
Bzz, try it now.
Bzz, not working?
Bzz, must be broken.
I'm sorry. I was rude.
I missed lunch. I have issues.
Could you pretty please open sesame?
Yeah, see, the thing is,
that leads back to a jail,
so we gots to keep it locked.
[Mouthing words]
Sir, could you press the button?
Apparently it's not my job anymore.
[Mouthing words]
[Quirky music]
♪
All rise.
[Buzzer]
Your Honor, I need to
see my client right now.
If you ever approach my bench
without permission again,
I will ship you to
Pelican Bay in a hefty bag.
Love you. Mean it. Best friends.
Next case! [Gavel pounds]
The prosecution's argument that my client,
Mr. Gard... Gardner... Gardnier
deliberately ran over
the other guy is a lie.
Objection, bias.
- Sustained.
- Okay.
- Let me ask you something.
- Yeah?
Why him?
That guy's got about as much empathy
as a mako shark.
I mean, what made you say, "I want that?"
Look at him. He's a Trent.
When a Trent likes you,
you just like him back.
Oh, I see. So it's a
reflex. It's like gagging.
Your Honor, my client is not only innocent,
but is owed a huge apology, like, for real.
Objection. That's just stupid.
Overruled. Agreed, but overruled.
Nothing would make me
happier than to see you
wipe that smirk off his face.
It's not a smirk, he's just handsome.
Well, whatever.
I want to see you destroy that douche.
It's guys like that that keep us down.
FYI, the reason Phil's mired in mediocrity
is because he used to be as good as Trent.
Then he got his ass handed
to him a couple of times,
got scared, and quit.
- I'm sitting right here.
- Yeah, I know.
Okay, so you told me not to run too hot
and to not try, but you
want me to destroy Trent.
That's a lot of conflicting advice.
- I mean, I'm losing track.
- Well, I'm just a little surprised.
I mean, here you are. You're
a sharp, gorgeous woman.
And this guy owns you.
And it's not because he's a better lawyer
or that he thinks he's too good for you.
It's that you think he's too good for you.
What is it about women in their 40s?
- I am 32.
- Well, I gotta bolt.
Okay, so on my first day,
I get humiliated by my ex-fiancé,
I get chewed out by a Hogwart's dropout,
and then I get a pep talk from
a guy who drinks his lunch,
so this day could
officially not get more...
- Watch out. Watch out!
- [Drywall creaking, cracking]
[All exclaim]
There he is! My prisoner!
- Dude's dead.
- Pay up, mother sucker.
Today, nothing can go wrong.
This October...
Do you know what's humiliating?
Having a client pee in your puse.
Nina Whitley's having a bad day.
Yeah, I got nothing.
Bail is revoked.
Make that a bad week.
- What happened?
- Rabies. Is that a thing or...
- is it just for like, kids?
- No, that's a thing.
Maybe it's just her whole career.
I'm gonna go home, open
a nice bottle of wine,
smash it on the counter,
and shank myself with it.
Benched, a new comedy series,
premieres Tuesday October
28, at 10:30, on usa.
Okay, people, almost Martini time.
People versus Ynes Gutierrez, shoplifting.
Plea?
Shoplifting. Shoplifting diapers.
So you have kids.
Okay, who's watching them now, husband?
No, he left.
He say I work too much.
Mm, I know that song.
Miss Whitley, what's the plea?
How long you been in detention?
Since last Friday.
Plea!
Since Friday?
You know, from the looks of
her, she's probably guilty.
- Como?
- Very well, bail.
Request bail of 2,500.
Defendant has a failure to appear
and is a flight risk.
See, I knew you were gonna say that.
God, nothing slips past you. Good hustle.
Defense satisfied with the bail amount?
Satisfied? No, no, no.
This woman is clearly
a public safety threat.
Counsel, get to the point. The bail amount.
$70 million.
[Gasps]
The people have no problem with that.
Shut up, Trent.
Miss Whitley, you're not about to have
one of your little episodes, are you?
Should I duct tape all the windows?
We're treating a mom who
allegedly stole diapers
like a violent menace to society
and locking her in jail?
You can call me crazy, but
at least where I came from,
we were practicing law.
This is like a slow-motion hate crime.
Miss Whitley, it's your first day here,
but I will hold you in contempt.
Man, this chick knows how to quit a job.
Now, Miss Gutierrez
previously failed to appear.
Why would she do that?
Ynes, why would you do that?
- Because I was...
- Shh, no one cares.
Because if my esteemed
colleague had actually checked
the date of her violation,
he would have noticed
that she couldn't appear
in court last Friday
because she was already in
jail awaiting this bail hearing.
Durr, someone messed up.
But by God, let's get this violent,
diaper-stealing nutbag off the streets.
$70 million.
Ynes, can you throw down with 70 mil?
- No.
- How about $70?
If I had $70, I'd buy diapers.
Then what's the diff?
Give me a number.
- $1.
- Your Honor, this is...
- $1?
- Yeah.
$1 for bail?
Considering that a dead man
fell through my ceiling today,
I'm feeling generous. We're
going to do this your way.
But when Miss Gutierrez comes before me
for the same thing in three weeks,
then we're going to do it my way.
Bail is set at $1.
Booyakasha!
Huh, unhitch her.
She's not handcuffed.
Thank... good, perfect.
You're going home, muchacha.
Vamos a casa.
Looks like I slipped one past
the old goalie, huh, Trent-o?
Looks like your job just got
very interesting there, Trent-o.
[Chuckles uncomfortably] Yeah.
[Slurping]
1,000 bucks, buddy.
You can make a down payment
by buying everyone a drink.
This is no joke. We
shouldn't be celebrating here.
Somebody died today. And you?
I want you to service your clients
and then go home.
We have no need for the histrionics.
Give me that goddamn
scotch, you booze coot.
Are you sulking 'cause
you had a bad bet on Burt?
No.
Why are you smiling? Why'd you look at me?
Do I have something in my teeth?
There he is.
Sweet parlay, muchacho.
Thank you very much.
No, see, I doubled down
that you'd get one over on Trent.
- I had a hunch about you.
- A hunch?
What am I, like,
the number six horse at Santa Anita?
No, but I gotta say,
watching you up there today
really gave me something to believe in.
It reminded me of why
we're all here, you know...
to fight for those
people who really need us.
So thank you.
You're welcome.
I mean, I'm just doing...
you're screwing... you're screwing with me.
You should've seen your face.
"Oh, what? No. I'm just doing my part."
- Come on.
- "I'm just there to just"...
I'm gonna make a ton off a mark like you.
- Okay.
- [Laughs]
Are you done playing?
Because I'm ready to get serious.
Like, back up to your apartment serious.
Really?
Nope.
But you should've seen your face.
♪ There we are ♪
♪ standing in the shooting stars ♪
♪ this is the way this is the way ♪
♪ we move ♪
♪ this is the way ♪
[chuckles]
[People chatting]
Hey, we're still on the clock,
so everybody drink two glasses.
[Laughter]
Everybody here? Where's Nina?
Probably on the phone with
three countries at once,
having her way with them.
Take it easy, Nina, and get in here.
- [Sniffling]
- So since we broke up
seemingly not too long ago,
I wanted you to hear I got engaged from me,
not someone else.
Are you ready to make partner or what?
Out of respect for
Maria, I've just opted...
- It's Trent.
- Not to include you...
Your ex?
Trent, I got to go, 'cause
they're about to announce
who made partner, and as usual,
your timing is impeccable,
and by impeccable,
I mean colossally shitty.
Forget Trent.
Come on.
[Groans]
[Sniffles]
There's Nina.
Let's do this.
I want to take a minute and talk about
what sets this person apart from everyone.
And it's more than a work ethic.
You must be bursting at the seams.
- Yeah.
- Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Screw it. You know what?
Let's just get this done.
The newest partner of
Schuster Alexander is...
Debbie Mathersons.
- Oh!
- Me?
- No.
- Wh... really, me?
You.
- Wow, Debbie.
- Oh.
Congratulations. I'm so happy for you.
Oh, thank you.
This must be a little bit
of a surprise though for you.
It is a surprise.
I mean, I don't think I'm
the only one who's surprised.
- Keith, you surprised?
- Um, sure.
- A pleasant surprise.
- Thank you.
Anyway, I just really want to say...
I mean, Debbie is a good lawyer, right?
She's not a bad lawyer.
She's a good lawyer.
A good lawyer with great breasts.
- [Laughs]
- Oh.
Where as with me, you just
go ahead and flip that.
My breasts aren't gonna win any awards.
That was my lawyering. Lots of awards.
I'm sorry. I'm making this about me.
This is not about me. This is your moment.
- Right.
- This is Debbie's moment.
Yeah, Debbie, whoo, up top!
Yeah.
Anyway, I just want to say that...
Seriously though?
I haven't slept more than two hours a night
for the past five years,
and you pass over me
to make Debbie partner?
I mean, I can see why it's not Nancy.
I mean, she's failed the bar twice.
And Rick has yet to win a case,
and he steals toner and sells it on eBay.
But Debbie?
I kick Debbie's ass.
I kick all of your asses.
[All exclaim]
I had a fiancé... [Glass shatters]
but I gave the best years of my life
to this place instead of
him, so he broke up with me,
and three months later, he's
engaged to somebody else.
Trent's engaged? That's fantas...
[all exclaim]
I gave you everything for nothing.
Nina.
[All exclaim]
That was a gift from Elton John.
Shut your piehole, Winston.
You with your halitosis
and your obvious affection
for Debbie's tits.
Oh.
Enjoy them, 'cause me
and my tiny little tits
are gonna go to the bar and
get toilet-hugging drunk,
so all of you can go piss up a rope.
[Muzak playing]
♪
[Buttons clacking]
It's after 5:00, so you
have to use your card.
Right, thank you.
[Scanner beeps]
♪
Wow, I was really angry earlier.
But, I mean, come on,
haven't you guys ever gotten upset before?
John, saw you crying in your car.
I have cancer.
Okay.
You know you're never gonna
work in corporate law again.
Is that right? Well, watch me.
'Cause the next job I get
is gonna be ten times better
than this ass carnival.
Sayonara, mother-[Bleep].
[Elevator dings]
[Sighs]
[Rock music]
♪ Hey now ♪
♪ hey now ♪
_
♪ hey now ♪
[elevator dings]
Excuse me. [Clears throat]
Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.
_
[People chatting, baby crying]
[Hip-hop music]
♪ I had a rough year ♪
♪ but there's no going back ♪
♪ when your shit is all jacked ♪
No. [Speaking Spanish]
[Water sizzling]
♪ You just want to run ♪
♪ what do you want to run for? ♪
♪ Why do you run? ♪
- * What do you want to run for? *
- Yeah, I understand that.
Hi there.
Cheryl?
Yeah, I understand, but
she's a public defender,
she's not a corrections officer.
- Cheryl?
- What?
Maybe you should come in
here and explain to the warden
how you lost his prisoner.
My explanation is, apparently
when you leave a client to pee,
you have to tell a guard
or they won't guard,
which you'd think they
would do automatically
since they are guards, but apparently not.
So the guy escaped.
Great suit. That ain't from Penney's.
Oh, thank you. It's not.
Sir, I'm Nina Whitley,
so if you could show me to my office,
be happy to get started.
Ooh, Nina Whitley?
The crazy lady who smashed a vase
over Elton John's head?
You're a legend.
That's you. You got five minutes.
Yeah, Henry, I'm still here.
I'm sorry, five minutes to what?
Court. Session starts in five.
- Get a move on it.
- What?
That's insane.
I mean, yes, sir. Not a problem.
Listen, I heard about you.
You're gonna put a lid
on these temper tantrums.
We don't do that around here.
Henry, you goddamn polack, listen to me!
[All shouting]
Cut it out out there.
Take that shit outside.
Cut it out!
Get these guys outside.
Who's your parole officer?
I'm writing you up, knucklehead.
You can't pull this shit in here.
Cut it out!
- So are you the new gal?
- Yeah.
Is it true that you went all Gary Busey
and smashed a lamp in
George Michael's face?
What? No, it was Elton John.
And he wasn't even there.
That was an isolated incident, okay?
I'm just gonna...
Pay your dues.
Play nice. Slum it here for a while,
six months, earn your
way back to money law.
Nice to meet you too.
I'm Nina, and I'm hoping
it's more like three months.
And you are Phil Quinlen,
card-carrying member of
Chimango Casino gold club?
Wow.
That how you augment
your fat county salary?
Oh, you should see the rims on my Corolla.
In fact, I'll win a bet right now.
- What's that?
- You're gonna be late for court.
Shit.
I mean, shoot.
- Shit, shit.
- It's okay, we say that here.
Shit, shit.
Whoa, oh, God.
Jesus, what's that smell?
Last time, a possum died in the vent,
but my guess is, the sewer exploded.
- Oh.
- You Nina?
- Yeah, you are?
- You got arraignments.
- You got to give pleas...
- All rise.
Court of the county of Los Angeles
is now in session.
Honorable Don P. Nelson is now presiding.
Jesus Christ, it smells
like baked crap in here.
Trent, you hit a deer
out there in the hallway?
No, Your Honor. I think I'd remember that.
Trent?
Nina.
Trent.
- Trent.
- Nina.
Trent, Nina,
judge, court, plea, now.
Your Honor, I'm sorry.
It's just that Trent
and I used to be enga...
Date. We used to date.
Date?
That's all it was? Dating?
Well, Trent, is that all it was?
Well, you know, she...
I'm kidding. I don't give a shit.
This is court, people, not Maury Povich.
Defense, how do you plead?
Your Honor, I need a short recess,
'cause I have to go resign.
Five-minute recess. [Gavel pounds]
Hey, what's the deal?
I'm quitting. That's the deal.
I'm gonna go home, open
a nice bottle of wine,
smash it on the counter,
and shank myself with it.
Were you a giant pussy at your old job?
Who are you?
Micah, intern, second-year law student,
and the only one here besides you
that doesn't want to throw
all of your clients into a dungeon.
Cool, cool. Quick question.
Why is my ex-fiancé here?
Trent's the new deputy D.A.
Got here six months ago.
- Charms all the judges' panties off.
- Yeah, that's in his skill set.
Yeah, and if you leave
now, all of your clients
get thrown back in that punch bowl
until they're reassigned council,
which could take days, or weeks.
So maybe do us a solid
and finish out the day.
You are one spirited little lesbian.
- Who said I'm a lesbian?
- No one.
Not... no, not me. Not anyone. No one did.
Great lip ring.
Are we still on the payroll here?
[Sighs]
Yes, Your Honor, we are.
Am I getting a colonoscopy?
Well, we are trying to
find the poopy smell.
Well, it's not me. Scoot.
Miss Whitley, plea.
Okay, Hector? Hector?
Yes.
Uh, yes, you are charged with...
Ooh.
You stuffed your wife in the chimney?
I don't have a chimney.
Did you stuff your wife
in someone else's chimney?
I don't have a wife.
Because she's dead in a chimney.
No. I'm loitering. Hector Calindo.
- What?
- The file's mislabeled.
Right. Sure. Why wouldn't it be?
Let's boogie. How does defendant plea?
Not guilty, Your Honor.
Oh.
What? What? It happens.
Not guilty. I mean, come on.
He was picked up outside of Home Depot
looking for day labor.
Your Honor, the defendant
was harassing patrons.
Oh, please.
Mr. Calindo, could you show us
how you were harassing people?
Trabajo! Trabajo!
Por favor, trabajo!
Okay, right.
Bail is set at 1,500.
- Next case.
- No, wait, no.
He cannot afford that.
And I didn't even get to say stuff yet.
I'm sorry.
How are... how you doing?
You hanging in there?
Thank you. I'm actually... it's...
Next case. [Gavel pounds]
Mrs. Desilvo poses no threat.
- She's...
- I am gonna kill Merv Griffin.
Already dead, boss.
Bail, $10,000.
[Gavel pounds] Next.
♪ Hey now ♪
Yeah, I got nothing.
Bail is revoked.
Denied.
Next case.
[Rock music]
♪
♪ hey now ♪
Well, I batted 1,000 today.
Did I even need to be here?
Nina.
I know this is strange,
and I'm sorry if that phone call upset you.
I just wanted to do the right thing.
If I'd known it was gonna cause you
to bash Michael Bolton with a bowl...
What? No.
It was Elton John, okay, and it was a vase,
not a bowl, and he wasn't even there.
Never mind.
Well, it looks like we're gonna be
working together a lot,
so if there's anything...
Anything what?
For me, for you?
I mean, I don't have
anything for you anymore.
No, I mean, maybe your fiancee does.
Maybe that's what you meant.
That's probably what you meant.
So good talk.
Hey, somebody survived
their first public defender massacre.
You know what, this calls for a toast.
- Toast?
- Yeah.
What, no, I just let the
city's impoverished out to dry.
Oh, hey, if you got that in
the vending machine on five,
- I wouldn't...
- [Gagging, coughing]
Open it.
Okay, I am going to go get a salad.
Oh, no, hey, I got salad right here.
Olives? It's 12:15.
I don't want a drink.
I just want a quick bite
so I can review my cases.
Hey, Erin Brockovich,
slow it down a little bit.
Didn't anybody ever tell you
it's rude to turn down a drink?
Did anyone ever tell you
that you talk like a date rapist?
Oh, my God, you slept with Trent Barber!
Already?
Damn, first day? That's ambitious.
Okay, is there any Nina
gossip out there about,
like, my good qualities?
Like, "Nina can speak business Mandarin,"
"Nina has small pores."
I don't think Square Jaw
is gonna be around for much longer.
I think he's just, you
know, shoring up his résumé
so he can run for his office.
He's gonna do the tough-on-crime time,
throw some minorities in jail, get elected.
If you're brown, you're going down.
No, you don't... Cheryl,
you don't get to say that.
I can say that. You can't. Ever.
Don't worry about being dumped by Trent.
I mean, I can't keep a man to save my life.
Yeah, especially if it's
a prisoner in your custody.
Okay, 1,000 bucks, he
turns up within 24 hours.
$1,000. You got it, blondie.
Hello, hello. All right, I want in.
Burt, I got 20 on you.
Nina, you want in on this action?
Uh, no, I'm good.
I don't have a drinking
or a gambling problem,
just a social, romantic,
and living my life problem.
Come on, captain no fun, where you going?
I'm gonna go talk to my clients, okay?
I'm not gonna look like
an ass in court again.
I'll look at your ass in court again.
Wow, you spun that into gold.
[Chuckles]
I did. I did.
Ynes Gutierrez?
Ynes Gutierrez? Ynes Gutierrez?
Hi, I need to see Ynes Gutierrez.
She has an arraignment,
and she's not in the pen.
I do not know her present location.
Okay, well, I'm her lawyer,
and I need to see her now.
Ma'am, you do not run this place.
I run this place, and I decide who you see
and who you do not see.
Okay. [Buzzing]
Guess it's retrieve your own prisoner day,
budget cutbacks and all.
[Sighs]
Yeah, that's a security door.
Also works on a buzzer.
Bzz, try it now.
Bzz, not working?
Bzz, must be broken.
I'm sorry. I was rude.
I missed lunch. I have issues.
Could you pretty please open sesame?
Yeah, see, the thing is,
that leads back to a jail,
so we gots to keep it locked.
[Mouthing words]
Sir, could you press the button?
Apparently it's not my job anymore.
[Mouthing words]
[Quirky music]
♪
All rise.
[Buzzer]
Your Honor, I need to
see my client right now.
If you ever approach my bench
without permission again,
I will ship you to
Pelican Bay in a hefty bag.
Love you. Mean it. Best friends.
Next case! [Gavel pounds]
The prosecution's argument that my client,
Mr. Gard... Gardner... Gardnier
deliberately ran over
the other guy is a lie.
Objection, bias.
- Sustained.
- Okay.
- Let me ask you something.
- Yeah?
Why him?
That guy's got about as much empathy
as a mako shark.
I mean, what made you say, "I want that?"
Look at him. He's a Trent.
When a Trent likes you,
you just like him back.
Oh, I see. So it's a
reflex. It's like gagging.
Your Honor, my client is not only innocent,
but is owed a huge apology, like, for real.
Objection. That's just stupid.
Overruled. Agreed, but overruled.
Nothing would make me
happier than to see you
wipe that smirk off his face.
It's not a smirk, he's just handsome.
Well, whatever.
I want to see you destroy that douche.
It's guys like that that keep us down.
FYI, the reason Phil's mired in mediocrity
is because he used to be as good as Trent.
Then he got his ass handed
to him a couple of times,
got scared, and quit.
- I'm sitting right here.
- Yeah, I know.
Okay, so you told me not to run too hot
and to not try, but you
want me to destroy Trent.
That's a lot of conflicting advice.
- I mean, I'm losing track.
- Well, I'm just a little surprised.
I mean, here you are. You're
a sharp, gorgeous woman.
And this guy owns you.
And it's not because he's a better lawyer
or that he thinks he's too good for you.
It's that you think he's too good for you.
What is it about women in their 40s?
- I am 32.
- Well, I gotta bolt.
Okay, so on my first day,
I get humiliated by my ex-fiancé,
I get chewed out by a Hogwart's dropout,
and then I get a pep talk from
a guy who drinks his lunch,
so this day could
officially not get more...
- Watch out. Watch out!
- [Drywall creaking, cracking]
[All exclaim]
There he is! My prisoner!
- Dude's dead.
- Pay up, mother sucker.
Today, nothing can go wrong.
This October...
Do you know what's humiliating?
Having a client pee in your puse.
Nina Whitley's having a bad day.
Yeah, I got nothing.
Bail is revoked.
Make that a bad week.
- What happened?
- Rabies. Is that a thing or...
- is it just for like, kids?
- No, that's a thing.
Maybe it's just her whole career.
I'm gonna go home, open
a nice bottle of wine,
smash it on the counter,
and shank myself with it.
Benched, a new comedy series,
premieres Tuesday October
28, at 10:30, on usa.
Okay, people, almost Martini time.
People versus Ynes Gutierrez, shoplifting.
Plea?
Shoplifting. Shoplifting diapers.
So you have kids.
Okay, who's watching them now, husband?
No, he left.
He say I work too much.
Mm, I know that song.
Miss Whitley, what's the plea?
How long you been in detention?
Since last Friday.
Plea!
Since Friday?
You know, from the looks of
her, she's probably guilty.
- Como?
- Very well, bail.
Request bail of 2,500.
Defendant has a failure to appear
and is a flight risk.
See, I knew you were gonna say that.
God, nothing slips past you. Good hustle.
Defense satisfied with the bail amount?
Satisfied? No, no, no.
This woman is clearly
a public safety threat.
Counsel, get to the point. The bail amount.
$70 million.
[Gasps]
The people have no problem with that.
Shut up, Trent.
Miss Whitley, you're not about to have
one of your little episodes, are you?
Should I duct tape all the windows?
We're treating a mom who
allegedly stole diapers
like a violent menace to society
and locking her in jail?
You can call me crazy, but
at least where I came from,
we were practicing law.
This is like a slow-motion hate crime.
Miss Whitley, it's your first day here,
but I will hold you in contempt.
Man, this chick knows how to quit a job.
Now, Miss Gutierrez
previously failed to appear.
Why would she do that?
Ynes, why would you do that?
- Because I was...
- Shh, no one cares.
Because if my esteemed
colleague had actually checked
the date of her violation,
he would have noticed
that she couldn't appear
in court last Friday
because she was already in
jail awaiting this bail hearing.
Durr, someone messed up.
But by God, let's get this violent,
diaper-stealing nutbag off the streets.
$70 million.
Ynes, can you throw down with 70 mil?
- No.
- How about $70?
If I had $70, I'd buy diapers.
Then what's the diff?
Give me a number.
- $1.
- Your Honor, this is...
- $1?
- Yeah.
$1 for bail?
Considering that a dead man
fell through my ceiling today,
I'm feeling generous. We're
going to do this your way.
But when Miss Gutierrez comes before me
for the same thing in three weeks,
then we're going to do it my way.
Bail is set at $1.
Booyakasha!
Huh, unhitch her.
She's not handcuffed.
Thank... good, perfect.
You're going home, muchacha.
Vamos a casa.
Looks like I slipped one past
the old goalie, huh, Trent-o?
Looks like your job just got
very interesting there, Trent-o.
[Chuckles uncomfortably] Yeah.
[Slurping]
1,000 bucks, buddy.
You can make a down payment
by buying everyone a drink.
This is no joke. We
shouldn't be celebrating here.
Somebody died today. And you?
I want you to service your clients
and then go home.
We have no need for the histrionics.
Give me that goddamn
scotch, you booze coot.
Are you sulking 'cause
you had a bad bet on Burt?
No.
Why are you smiling? Why'd you look at me?
Do I have something in my teeth?
There he is.
Sweet parlay, muchacho.
Thank you very much.
No, see, I doubled down
that you'd get one over on Trent.
- I had a hunch about you.
- A hunch?
What am I, like,
the number six horse at Santa Anita?
No, but I gotta say,
watching you up there today
really gave me something to believe in.
It reminded me of why
we're all here, you know...
to fight for those
people who really need us.
So thank you.
You're welcome.
I mean, I'm just doing...
you're screwing... you're screwing with me.
You should've seen your face.
"Oh, what? No. I'm just doing my part."
- Come on.
- "I'm just there to just"...
I'm gonna make a ton off a mark like you.
- Okay.
- [Laughs]
Are you done playing?
Because I'm ready to get serious.
Like, back up to your apartment serious.
Really?
Nope.
But you should've seen your face.
♪ There we are ♪
♪ standing in the shooting stars ♪
♪ this is the way this is the way ♪
♪ we move ♪
♪ this is the way ♪
[chuckles]