Below Deck Mediterranean (2016–…): Season 5, Episode 16 - Cool as a Cucumber - full transcript

After a tumultuous night in Ibiza, Rob and Jess struggle to reconcile. A mechanical error during docking has Captain Sandy scrambling to avoid a catastrophic disaster, while the new charter...

- Mm-hmm?

You want it a bit
more well-done?

- It's more warm.

- It was warm, it wasn't hot.

Can we cover it?

[ clanging ]

- everything is
about reputation,

so I expect to be perfect.

Hi, baby.
- Hello.

- I booked the
same flight that you have.

- You promise?

- I promise-promise.

- Uh...
Sheep, I think.

- You're in full conversation,

I kept trying to talk to you,
and you're ignoring me.

- It feels like we're arguing,
and I don't wanna be involved...

I don't...
- We are arguing.

- ----Ing bullsh--.

- [bleep]'s sake.
- Quickly!

- Come on, man.

- Rob is killing me.
A heaving line...

You made that mistake
three times.

Bye-bye, friend zone.

- They're not the kind
of people that I'm used

to hanging out with.

- Now I have to watch
him flirt with aesha.

- Jess.
- What the [bleep]?

[ club chatter ]


- I'm not a jealous person.

I'm the product
of divorced parents.

I haven't had the best
of relationships.

I always end up being cheated on
or taken advantage of.

- Really?

- Time to go back.

- [ laughs ]
very good.

- I'm gonna help you out.

- Come on, lady, you got this.

- I'm good.

[ moaning ]
- you just...

You just hold on to me,
if you want.

Malia, you wanna come
and take this one?

- Rob will get her. All good.
- Malia.

- What was that?
- I'm asking for your help.

- Jess, what was that?

- [bleep], man.

- Purse... Hey, bugs.

Oh, she fell.

- That was ridiculous.
- Thanks for the lift.

- Jess, you all right?

- I'll walk, I don't
give a sh--.

- Jess, do you want
a hand as well?

Come on.
- Yep.

- This is called a "chain gang."
- yeah.

- Don't google that
in porn images.

- So, aesha was in the car.

Tom gets there, she was,
like, "malia, come get her."

she was, like...

Jess was, like,
"oh, rob will get her."

like, what the [bleep]
is that, bru?

- No idea.

- Jess, no serious,
powerful woman has

ever lost her sh-- at any guy.

Don't be the first.
- You're right.

- I changed my flight to bali,
all this other bullsh--...

- She's jealous, man.

Why don't you see me for
who the [bleep] I am.

Like, that triggers me deeply.

I feel like a ----ing idiot.
- You guys have to have a convo.

- Good night.
- Good night, girls.

- Good night.

- Good night, good night.


All right, well...

- Why are we angry
with each other?

- [bleep].
- What happened?

- Dude, I have no idea.

- Okay. Good night.

- You know we hooked up tonight?

- We didn't hook...
We just kissed.

- Yeah, but that's, in my book,
like, hooked up.

- Rob?

- Rob. Rob. Rob.

- What happened?

- What the [bleep]?

- [ sobbing ]

- good night, bugs.

- Mm.

- I swear, I'm so tired.

I'll see you
in the morning.


[ mobile vibrating ]

- oh, god.

- How is that?
Because I'm protecting myself?

You know what you're doing.

We both know what you're doing.

It's just ----ing bullsh--.

- What are we doing?

Getting ignored makes me feel

like he's not being
transparent with things.

And you don't, like,
talk someone into falling

in love with you and
then become this person.

Who does that?

- No, I do.

I'm saying we need to take
that little bit of space

where you can breathe
and I can breathe.

- Ugh, god.

It has been for a while.

- Yeah, it is.

- Yeah.

- Come on, honey,
we're getting up.

- I just can't right now.

[ laughter ]

I'm so ill.

- Do you want some water?
I've got water here.

- On a scale of one to 10,
I'm probably, like, 20 hungover.

- I'm here for you
if you need me.

- I'm sorry.
That's embarrassing.

It's like dad says...

If I had some drinks, I'm,
like, a beautiful crystal glass.

I shatter easily.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Just wanted to find out
what the plan is for today.

- Are the guests walking
on as we arrive?

- No.
- Yeah.

- You'll have some time.
- Okay.

- How do you feel?

- I fell so hard on my face
last night, you have no idea.

- No way.
- I was wearing my high shoes,

and I got out onto
those cobbles, mixed in

with a few tequilas... Boom.

Yeah, it was bad.

- All crew, all crew,
let's get ready for departure.

- Captain sandy, that's
passerelle in.

- Okay. I'm standing by.

Considering we have
an early departure,

I wanna give them a break.

I've let the deck team know
just take it off the dock

and then get some rest, because
by the time I hit the dock,

we have a tight turnaround,
and then we're back at sea.

I need my crew rested.

Free us from the dock.

- Okay, that's all
stern line released.

- Good job, everyone.
Now, relax.

- Morning.
- Morning, how are you?

- Surprisingly fine.

I was pretty hammered,
but it was a good time.

- Hey.
Good morning, rob.

- Good morning.
- That is a toasty.

- Nice.
- So how we doing?

- I'm sure you heard
how we're doing.

- What do you think of
the rob and jess thing?

- I don't understand
what's going on.

- This morning,
I didn't hear sh--.

I took a piss, brushed my teeth,
and walked out of the room.

- How long have
they been together?

Three weeks?
- Yeah.

- We were still just
banging it out.

- [ laughs ]
we were like jackrabbits.

- Tom, bugsy, malia,
meet me in the crew mess

for our preference
sheet meeting.

- Copy that.

- All right, call me
if you need me.

I'll be back.

- Hi, cap.
- Charter number eight.

We have eric cotsen
an entrepreneur

who retired at 59 after
selling a successful

college admission
preparation company.

He now spends
his time traveling,

and always has his closest
friends join him on vacation.

- "coffee... Like my women, hot"

- no way.
- Douchebag.

- Where does it say that?

- What?
- Where does it say that?

- Right here.

- Oh, god.
- Oh, this is gonna be fun.

- So let's read the activities.
- Okay.

- Day one, the guest
request a game

of ultimate frisbee
against the crew.

That's cool, right?
- It's gonna be fun.

- Right.
- Really fun.

A tapas spanish lunch.
- That's interesting.

- Primary eric would
like the yacht crew

to get creative with
a naughty game night.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

- It's our specialty.

- I like the fact that aesha
can just come on,

roll up her sleeves,
and get going.

And jess, with her new
and improved attitude,

it gives me a sense
of, like, relaxation

and the ability to just breathe.

- All right, we're done.
Let's go.

- Nice.
- Okay.

- I'm ready.
- Let's go.

- Let's do it.

- What happened this morning?
- Just a continuation.

- I think you guys are
actually just starting

to figure each other out.

And it's getting annoying

because it's just like you're
starting to know the real...

Like, you know,
who the real person is.

- And she thinks my
intention is not there.

I don't know,
maybe I'm wrong

for doing things...
- No, no, no.

You guys gotta figure it out.

It's like, is this real,

or was this just a moment that
is going too far?

I mean, you guys have
got to figure that out.

If it doesn't work,
it doesn't work.

- What's wrong?

[ crying ]

- coming up...

- Why is our stern
going this way?

- I lost the bow thruster.


[ alarm blares ]
- drop the anchor.

The engines are gone.

- Good morning, jess.
- Good morning.

- Did you have fun last night?

- Time of my life.

- Oh, what's wrong?

[ crying ]

- what the hell's happened?

- I feel like he wants to hit
eject on the whole thing.

- He wants to hit eject?
- Mm-hmm.

- So, like, he just doesn't
want anything to do

with the situation at all?

- That's what it feels like.
It's just like frustrating.

It's like why the [bleep]
can't we just

figure this sh-- out right now?

- Can I go and grab him?
- Yeah.

- 'cause we can't have this.

[ laughs ]

- boat romances that turn bad
affect the entire crew.

Like, I've dated a few people
on boats before,

and it has never gone down well.

Good morning, guys.
- Hey.

- Good morning.
- How's my new boyfriend?

We only have
a few hours before charter.

I am keen on getting
this resolved asap.

I said to her
I'd come and grab you.

I thought as much.

Okay, you stay there,
and I'm gonna bring her up.

- [ sighs ]
ah, it's so nice out.

- You guys are not coming out
of here until it's resolved.

Guys, what a night.
- Yeah.

- How are brangelina?
Are they okay?

- Don't know.

- I don't know.
I don't like it.

I just feel like a piece
of you has, like,

shut down, or detached a bit.

- I'm not.

- I'm trying.
- I am, too.

...Like a fairy tale
type thing, you know?

Where it actually does work...

And I believe that.

- Morning, girlfriend.

I'm so hung over.

Thank you so much
for getting me onto the boat.

- Tom carried you, not me.

- Aw, sorry.

- Why were you crying
last night?

Was it just a drunk cry?

- Well, I've been feeling really
homesick since I've come here.

- Mm-hmm.

- You know like when you drink,
you always just get so weak?

- Yeah, if I just think
about my brother sometimes,

I feel like...
Yeah, I'm the same way.

- It's been a long time
since I've been home,

and I just really wanna go home.

- Yeah, are you gonna
go home after this?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's good.

- Yeah. I just wanna go home
and live a more, like,

normal life for a while,
and have a car,

have a gym membership,
have a bedroom.

It's gonna be nice
to hang my clothes up!

Oh, my god, we're all a mess.

- Yeah. It's all right.

- I'm just gonna go vomit.

[ vomiting, grunting ]

- All crew, all crew, time
to shake it off, get to work.

[ honking ]

- do you guys wanna take up
here, and we'll go down?


- We play hard, we work hard.

- I am busy today.

- May I have some tongs?

- Yes.

- Or some...
Or a spatula.

- Malia's a massive help.

I know that she wants
to prove herself to sandy,

and if I turned out to be sh--ty
then obviously

she'll probably feel
as much pressure

for having me on,
as much as I have.

Now, this spatula
is my arch-nemesis.

Watch the handle,
because it will

come off the actual spatula.

- Ah! Look at my jacket.
[ laughs ]

- that's the sign of
a good grilled cheese.

- I need to sleep.

I don't know
why I'm so hungover.

It's, like...
We didn't go to bed that late.

- When did I go to bed?

- You guys were fighting.

- Because he thought
I was jealous

that he was talking to you.

And I was like, "no,
I was trying to tell you."

it's, like, ugh.
- Oh, my god...

- So then that turned
into a thing.

- ...That is the
stupidest argument

I've ever heard in my life.

What the [bleep]?

If they're, like, having
fights about this sh--

this early on?

Like, there's no way
they're gonna last.

- No, not at all.

I'm just, like, scared that it's
gonna go downhill from here now.

- I guess you'll
find out in bali.

- Hi, girls.
Are we moving?

Let's go!

The quicker we can do it,
the quicker we can finish.

- Yeah, I'm just gonna
finish this window, so...

- Yeah, perfect.
- I...

- I'm putting you in the bridge.
Come on, you're doing so well.

let's do it.

- Ugh.

Oh, god.

Don't look out the window.

- All right, we can
start running fenders.

Guys, are your lines ready?

- No, mine... I'm just...

- All right, let's focus
on your lines...

- Sorry.
- ...Before the towline.

So, rob.
- Yes?

- Kinda wanna go from this end.

Because if you do it
from that end,

when you're done, you won't
have a way to wrap it.

You know what I mean?

- Ah, because it's attached.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry.

- I know that rob can
throw the lines across,

but I think he's distracted.

He's not focusing.

- [bleep]'s sake, man.
- I just wanna dock this boat.

- [bleep] bru.

- I don't have time
to supervise rob.

As a woman in this industry,
if we do fail

or if we do come
up short sometimes,

then we get it harder.

- Why do I get these ----ed up
ones all the time?

- All right, captain sandy,
you have everyone in position,

100 feet starboard,
midships the dock.

Starboard midships
60 feet to ground lines.

Clear to swing, clear to swing.

- Hey, this rudder's
going back to port.

I lost the bow thruster.

drop the anchor.

The engines are gone.

- Why is our stern
going this way?

The wind, and no thruster.

- ...Alarm going off on here.

- We have lost all power.

Without the bow thruster,
I cannot control the bow.

What that means is we are
probably gonna hit something,

if not run over something.

[ alarm blares ]

- alex, can you just watch
that distance?

- We lost the generator.
- My heart's racing.

- I lost the bow thruster.
[ alarm blares ]

- [bleep]
drop the anchor.

The engines are gone.

- Why is our stern
going this way?

The wind, and no thruster.

[ alarm continues ]

- alex, will you just
watch that distance?

- When we swing into
the slip,

our bow swings over
another bow of a vessel.

And right now,
I cannot control the bow.

What that means is the engineer
has to reset the breaker,

and if he can't pull it off,

the chances of hitting something
is far greater than not.

[ alarm continues ]

- okay.
Now the bow thruster's on.

[ alarm stops ]

- that is one scary
feeling for a captain.

- That was some freaky sh--.

- Thirty-five feet starboard
to vessel aside.

Holding 20 feet starboard.
Fifteen feet and closing.

Guys, get ready on
your heaving lines.

Throwing lines, throwing lines.
- Heads up.

- Let's tighten up
on the springs.

Rob, get ready on there, please.

- Smells delicious.
- Oh, really?

- We are in a great position.

- Malia, good job.
- Thank you.

- Hey, hey.
All good?

- Yeah, now we're at the dock
and everything's running.

- Hi, jerry.

I don't know, I just feel
really homesick.

[ crying ]

and I feel real bad,
because it's such

a cool experience being here,
and I just wanna come home.

Doing five years of yachting,

I'm living this super
fast-paced lifestyle,

and then I realize that,
you know, my friends at home,

they're getting married.

I've got two nieces that
I don't really know that well.

And I just wanna finally be
a part of it for a while.

I'm really struggling
to, like, just be present

and really enjoy it,
because all I can think about is

that I don't really
wanna be here.

[ crying ]

- ugh.

- Up dog.

- I just farted
when you did that.

- Hey, girl.
- Hi.

- Beds asap, please.
- Yes, I'm going.

- Okay.
- Can I have one minute?

- Yeah, one minute.
- And then I will knock it out.

- Aesha, aesha, bugs.

- Aesha, I've just
spoken to jess.

Will you guys jump, please,
straight on the beds?

- Yeah.
- Bye.

- Thank you for your time.

- I was like,
oh, we're looking quite good,

and I just realized provisions
haven't arrived yet, never mind.

- Right.

- We're back again.

- Is this usually short?

- Yup... It's so annoying.

- There is a delivery
on the dock.

- Copy, thanks.

All crew, all crew,
provisions are arriving.

- [bleep] yo provisions, man.

- How are you?

- I have some special
delivery for you.

- Don't worry, this is heavy.
I got it.

- Can those go in the main
salon on one side, please?

- Hey, girl.

- Make sure those go
to the galley.

- Where do you want this?
- Galley, please.

- Oh, wow, I'm so excited
about this!

- Do you want me to run
that box out?

- Oh, yeah, thanks.

Could you also ask where
the other kilo of mussels is?

- Kilo of mussels, yep.

- Yeah, ----ing
frozen mussels, mm.

- It's not in here, is it?
- Um...

I don't think so, because
this was all fish.

So I'm guessing that
this is all meat...

Yeah, it's all meat.

- Okay.
- No, it's not here.

I ordered two kilo
of fresh mussels,

and I get one kilo of
frozen, cooked mussels.

They're a different product.

You know, one of
them's for people

that don't actually have
taste buds, and one of them is

for people that appreciate
fresh ingredients.

- The chef's wondering
where the other mussels are.

There's a kilo of
mussels missing.

- Mm-hmm.

[ groaning ]
- I think that's it.

- Oh, nice.

- Ah [bleep]!

- Thomas?
- Yeah?

- I told her a kilo of
mussels were missing.

- Yeah.

- And she said she
would call the supplier.

- Yeah, put the order
in a few days ahead

so they can get
everything ready,

and yet it's not here
the day of the charter.

- Tom, I just got a message
from the provisioner.

- Yeah?

- They said that you
requested two kilograms,

and that was what was delivered.

And she says the provider
doesn't have more mussels.

- Ugh, that's ----ing bullsh--.
- Right.

- This is all the fish
that came on just now.

- Yeah.
- It's one kilo.

So she's saying the provider has
definitely given us two, and...

- Okay, everybody, 20 minutos.
- There's not a...

- Twenty minutes,
two-zero minutes,

till guests arrive.
- All right, so...

- This bag and
that meat thing...

- Si, venti minutos.
- This ----ing bag...

- All right, deck crew
sh--, shower and shave.

[ laughter ]

- I'm gonna get a uniform on.
You wanna get in your whites?

- You know what,
they're ----ing [bleep].

- I hate that.

- One kilo, [bleep].

Need the other one.

- How you doing, chef?
- Busy as [bleep].

Look at this ----ing job that
I'm having to do now.

They're making me out
to be a liar

as to how many kilos there are,

so I had to take a photo
of it and send it to her.

And she said, "this is
the fish company's fault".

- Ugh, that's frustrating.

- It's ----ing annoying.

- I make mistake with the fish.

- The mussels?
- The mussels.

- Okay.
- It's without charge.

We apologize to tom.
I'm so sorry for that.

- I'll let him know,
thank you so much.

- Yeah.

- They apologized.
They were in the wrong.

They've sent you the mussels
free of charge.

- Yeah, I ----ing know they
were in the wrong.

Tell them to go [bleep]

Just get it right
the first time.

- Okay.
- ----Ing moron.

- All crew, all crew,
come to the dock.

- Coming up...

- Does anyone on the crew
wanna learn jujitsu?

- Bugsy, bugsy?

- And again, watch the...

- I don't know what's gonna
tap first, my boob or my arm.

- Tom?
- Yeah?

- They were in the wrong.

They've sent you the
mussels free of charge.

- Yeah, I ----ing know they
were in the wrong.

Tell them to go [bleep]

Just get it right
the first time.

- Okay.
- ----Ing morons.

What good is an apology?

Like, I don't care.

- All crew, all crew,
come to the dock.

- It's a time-sensitive job,
and if you're gonna

provision for yachts,
you don't get second chances.

You go with a provisioner.

If they mess up, done.

I can't afford
to go with you again.

- Some nice boats here.
- Nice.

- Let's do this.

- There's our crew,
waiting for us.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

- Howdy!
- You're almost single?

- Well, depends you have
to read the back.

- "almost married."
- he's almost married.

- Somewhere in between.

Hi, I'm eric.
- Welcome.

- Almost single,
almost married...

That is literally rob and jess's
relationship in a nutshell.

[ laughs ]

- welcome aboard.
- Hi, jt.

- Hi, eric, I'm tom.
- Tom, nice to meet you.

- Hi, eric, I'm bugs.

- Hi...
- It's nice to meet...

- What's your name again?
- Bugs.

- Bags, nice to meet you, bags.
- No, bugs, b-u-g-s.

- Hi, I'm aesha.
- Malia, jt.

- Alex? Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- Welcome on board,
we are excited.

You have a great crew.

Bugsy's gonna show you on board,
and then we're gonna take off.

- Sounds great.
- Enjoy your charter.

- Thank you.

[ whistling ]

- shall we go?
- Let's do it.

- All right.
- Cheers!

- Cheers, guys.

- To being almost single
and almost married.

- Follow me,
I'll take you through.

- Cool.

- Holy sh-- but
this backpack's heavy.

- We have the main salon.
- Nice.

- To your left, you have
a formal dining room.

- A frigging body bag?

- Ah, beauteous.

- The sundeck, we have
your hot tub up front.

- All right...
Looks kinda shallow.

I gotta get my boobs
under the water.

- All right, we're walking,
we're walking.

Let's go see where the magic's
gonna happen for jt and I.

- Master cabin.
- Oh, this is ours?

- Oh!

- We can get three
of us in here.

There's two in the bed, one
on the couch, are you kidding?

- How come there's no mirror
over the bed?

- You guys are gonna be
a good time, I can tell.

- I have no problem doing that.

- Your hair is the same
coloring as a cat.

- A cat?
- Yeah.

- What color is that?

- You know,
there's a species of cat,

and you've got
the same hair color.

- What the [bleep]
does that even mean?

- Do you wanna go upstairs
while we take off?

- Where do you suggest?
- What do you recommend?

- Either the top deck...
- Oh, yeah!

- Yeah, let's.
- Yeah?

- Okay, that's
where we're going.

- Okay.

- Hey, rob, just be mindful
that we might have

to loosen up our cross-line,

just because there might be so
much tension on the other one.

- That one?
- Ready to release lines.

- Stern lines coming off now.

- All stern lines clear,
all stern lines clear.

- We're moving!
It's happening.

- We're pulling out.

- Ten feet, starboard
midships to ground lines.

- This is a nice boat.
- This is beautiful.

- Traffic all clear
off your stern.

All clear, all clear.

- Well done.
Well done, everyone.

- You gotta wave to
the people on the dock.

That's good luck, isn't it?
- Uh...

- That's what they used to do
on the "love boat."

[ ship's horn ]

- holy crap.
- Woo!

- A little head's up next time?

- Scared 'em.

- Thanks, captain!
- Oh, wow.

- Ultimate frisbee...
Have you ever played?

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, perfect.

- So 12:00,
we can send four crew.

- Sounds great.
- Does that sound good?

- Sounds great.

- And then you can
come back for some tapas.

- That sounds...
Sounds good to me.

- Unbelievable.

Now I've got two kilos
of fresh mussels,

with one kilo of frozen
mussels before.

- Funny how that works.
- ----Ing mental.

- I wanna see how good
she is getting across here.

- Thank you.

- Let's see the tat?
- Oh, this one?

This is my family tattoo.
- Oh!

- So it's the first letter of
all my siblings, in age order.

- Ah.

- Tara, reuben, isaac,
jared, aesha, courtney.

- Are you guys...
- That's right...

- Are you mormon?

- I've got a very fertile
father... Um, no.

- Six siblings?
- Yeah.

- Nice.
- Only six of us, yeah.

- Yeah, only six.

- All crew, all crew,
eta seven minutes.

- Copy.

- Opa, my pleasure.

- Best charter ever.

- Permission to walk anchor
to the water line.

- Permission granted.

- Two and a half,
two and a half.

- Okay, malia, thank you.

- Malia, malia, bugs.

Don't forget we've got ultimate
frisbee today before lunch.

- Yeah, copy that,
thank you.

- Pushing lunch
back to 3:00 p.M.

- Cool.

- One, two, three.

- Desserts...
Brownies, female...

No nuts.

Oh, I get the joke.

[ grunting ]
- cool.

- Jess and aesha,
I am sending you ashore

to go and play some frisbee
with the guests at 12:00.

- Copy that.

- The guests would like to go
to shore and play some frisbee,

and they wanna take
some crew with them.

Robert, grab a break
for a minute.

- I'm excited for frisbee.
- It's gonna be fun.

- Mm... Smells delish.

- Baked camembert, chorizo.
- Mm.

- We've got calamari,
padrón peppers.

- I think I'm gonna
have an iced latte. Thomas?

- An iced latte... That sounds
good, let's do it.

- I've got a deck crew to run.

I wanna help tom, and
I feel like in my position,

I've put a lot of pressure
on myself to kind of try

to make everything
go at the same time.

So it's a had juggle.

- Very nice.
- You're so sweet.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Are you going to play
frisbee with us?

- Yes.
- Yay!

- Yeah, that'd be great.

- Jt, guess what
I almost forgot?

The most important thing.
- The frisbee.

- Yes.

- Have we thought
of a wager yet?

- Can we make it interesting?

- Yes, absolutely,
let's make it interesting.

- Well, we have that speedo.

- We should just make it that
if you lose, you wear a speedo.

- Okay.
- And if we lose, then we...

- You serve us in bikinis.
- Ooh.

I don't know how happy captain
sandy will be about that.

- Well, we're not
gonna lose, for one.

- Of course not.

- All right, speedos
at dinner it is.

- Did I just do that?

- The whole group?
- The whole group.

- Coming up...

- The client
wants some cucumber.

- Sorry.

- What is the ----ing problem?

Tender's ready to go
whenever you are.

- Are we ready?
- Yep, we're ready.

- We are ready for you.
- All right, let's go, guys.

- Let's do this.
- Yay, let's do this!

- Let's do this!

- Jt, good luck.
- All right.

- Is everyone coming?

- Okay, we'll probably
do two trips, guys.

- Okay.
- Good luck, everyone!

- Thank you.
- All right!

- I could see
malia as a captain.

Look at her.

- While they're off, I'm gonna
go and set this lunch up.

- It's chaos, isn't it?
Sucks to be me.

- Would you mind just
passing me a couple

of tea towels...
Oh jeez.

[ laughter ]

- I did not see that coming.

- Whoa.
- All right, let's do this.

- Careful. Ready?
- Yeah.

- Swim platform, tender
returning, tender returning.

- Good luck.
- Thank you!

- Thanks!
- I hope you win.

- Look at these gangstas.

- Ooh... Hello!

- Woo!
- Freedom!

- Feels so nice
to touch the water.

- Feels so good...
One week, one week, one week.

- I know, one week!

- No. Like [bleep] no.

- [laughs]

Yeah? That's how you feel?

- Pretty good for a fat guy.

- Don't break my fan.

- I'm your number one
fan, though. Hey.

- Cheesy.

- What type of theme is this?
- I'm not sure.

There's just, like,
spanish red chiles,

spanish hats, spanish flags.

Maybe it's spanish?

- All right, see ya.
- Thanks, alex.

[ sighs ]

- nice work on the dock, malia.
What's the beach like?

- Oh, it's nice.
- Yeah?

- It's perfect
for their frisbee.

- Nice.

- Hi, guys!
- Hey, guys!

Losers have arrived!

- Oh, puh-lease.

- We're gonna go jujitsu
on your ass!

One, two...
One, two...

- Nice!
- Deep!

- Oh, damn it!

- Ah!
- Nice.

- Classic john wick move.

I've never played
ultimate frisbee before.

We just play, like,
normal frisbee in new zealand.

Oh, for [bleep]'s sake.

Classic america... Has to make
everything "ultimate."

[ laughs ]

- reach out!

- Good job!

[ shouting ]

- nice grab!

All right, so that's two.

- Okay, put it on.

Yachting is a very
intimate environment,

and a lot of the times
we are completely warped

in our perception of people.

And it never has
worked out for me.

- Eew.

- Oh, it's spanish tapas,
this is awesome.

- Yeah.
- Smells delish.

- The first few days,
I was nervous.

- You want it a bit
more well-done?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- We gotta figure out how
to make his food hot.

- Oh ----ing hell.

- Mine was full of shells.
- Oh, me too.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Quite a few of them
have shells in the actual...

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- I've always wanted to be the
best that I can at something,

and I put pressure on myself
because I know I can do it.

And if I don't,
well, why am I a chef?

- Ooh, look at that.

- This is how we'll
serve lunch today.

- One, two, three...

- I thought I had it.

[ shouting ]
- yes!

- Yay!
- We're in trouble here.

- Rob!

[ screaming ]

- no!

- That was so close!
- No!

- Come on, guys.
- Keep playing hard.

- Come on, man!
- Oh, shoot, he's coming...

- No!

[ cheering ]
- yes!

- Well done.
- Oh, man.

- We lost the bet,
we pay off the debt.

- We didn't suck.

- Copy that.
- Get outta here.

- Wow.
- Wow.

- Hey, guys.

- Malia, your team needed you.
- Oh, yeah?

- You're wearing
a speedo tonight.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, hey.

- How was it?
- Awesome.

- I heard there was a bet.
Who won?

- We did.

- Captain sandy, that's the
guests on the main deck aft now.

- Okay, thank you.

- You're gonna look
great in a speedo.

- Yeah, you're wearing a speedo.
- I don't wanna know.

I don't wanna know.

- What up, gangstas?
- What up, dawg?

- Thanks, boys.
- Ready?

[ grunting ]

- so what sort of
plates do you want?

- Whatever's gonna fit
on the table, really.

- Sweet.

- You guys all disappoint me.

- Are you watching the
losers approach?

- Lo-sers!
- You lost?

- We're sorry!

- You're all wearing speedos.

[ laughter ]

- you can go down for two hours.

Why don't you grab some food,

come back out on deck,
and we'll...

- You got it.
- ...Crack on.

- Thanks for a great game.
- That was fun.

- I had such a good time.

- Do I have enough
time to go change?

- Yeah, go change, and...
- Yeah.

- ...Jess, I'm sending you
on break now anyway.

- Okay, cool.
- Two hours, okay? Thank you.

- Copy.

- Let me pop in next
to you there.

- Oh, sorry.

- I am, please forgive me, sir.


- So good.

- Okay, how's everyone feeling?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Tapas are coming now?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Whoa, let's get...

- I'm just gonna keep
bringing it.

- All right.
- These four can go.

That's eel, anchovy,
olives, and tomato.

- We gotta put the hats on
for a shot, hold on.

- There's a hat for you, too.
- Yay, thank you.

- Eric, eric...
Oh, there you go.

That's good.
- Oh, that's perfect!

- This is really good.

- I have eel.

- These two?
- Yeah.

- Oh, no! Sorry!

- Just take that, just
do it with that.

- Okay.
- Mm.

- Oh, for [bleep]'s sake.

- Oh [bleep] me,
she's good, isn't she?

- Coming up...

- I'm sorry.

- There's no point
in apologizing.

- No, I'm just saying
that it wasn't my call.

- [ groaning ] ugh, all
right, whatever you're saying.

- Jesus.
----Ing asshole.

- Oh! Oh!
Are these the baby eels?

Oh, this is my favorite.

These things are, like,

a thousand euro a pound
or something.

[ chuckles ]
- it's so good.

- Manchego?

- Yeah.
- Can I have some ham?

- I have some manchego

- Ooh.
- ...With spicy mayo.

- Ooh, that sounds good.

- How are they doing out there?

- They are loving it.

What's wrong?

- Who would like
some pork belly?

- Oh, yeah!
Oh, and we're back in!

- Spicy chorizo?

- Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

- This calamari looks amazing.
- Mm.

- And the chorizo's so good.

- I love this torta.

- Wonderful lunch, tom.
They're loving it.

- Love you, bye.

- Fiesta!

Ooh, you got a
little hip swing, I see it.

Okay, bugs... Hey.

Oh, I thought you were
grabbing hair.

I kinda got, like,
a little nervous.

I didn't know
what was happening.

[ laughter ]

I was, like, is this
happening right now?

- Might have been.
But it didn't.

- That was great.
- That was good.

- Whew.

- Does anyone on the crew
wanna learn jujitsu?

We have a master teacher here.

- Yes!

- I'm down.
I'll be back at 6:30.

Aesha and jess are on the floor.

- All right, thanks, guys.

- All crew, all crew,
I'm also going down.

So that's malia, off the radio.

- Hey.

- Got a hold of each other,

- Uh-huh.
Oh, it's like ballroom dancing.

- Drop your knees and
swing your hips this way.

And then... Ugh!

All right, aesha, your turn.

- My turn?
- Yeah, come on.

- Yay!

- Hips are back here.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna put my
weight slightly forward,

towards my toes, and then drop.
- Mm-hmm.

- Now watch...
- Ooh!

- Look, you see how
I just did that?

- Ooh!

- Now you try that.
- Okay.

- Oh!
- You see that?

[ cheering, laughter ]
- yeah, yay!

- That was good!
- Yay!

- It's not hard, right?
- No, that's so fun!

- You know how to do
some type of throw?

- I have to see what
you're talking about.

- Yeah.

We need some cucumbers.

- So I just loosen this...
- Okay.

- Jess, jess.
- So like this.

- Chef, chef.
This is his radio.

Someone find the chef, we need
some chopped-up cucumbers.

- Yep.
- Okay.

- I'm gonna go get the chef.

- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

- Thank you, sandy.

- And again, watch this...

- I don't know what's gonna
tap first, my boob or my arm.

[ laughter ]

- yes?
- Is tom in there?

- Yeah.

- The client wants
some cucumbers

with olive oil and salt.
- Okay.

- Jesus christ.

I was only gonna take
a 15-minute break.

If something very,
very simple can't be achieved,

like chopping up a cucumber,
without waking up a chef,

I think there's
bigger problems than

waking up a chef
who's on a 15-minute break.

Just figure it out.

- I'll be back,
I'm just popping down.

- Hey, girls.
- How's it going?

- Oh, okay, thanks.
- They want cucumber...

- Yeah?

- I went and woke him up.

- Sorry.

- It wasn't my call.

- Sandy, yeah.
I'm sorry.

- I got no break...

Well, 18-minute break,
or whatever it was.

- Yeah.

- So there's no point
in apologizing.

- No, I'm just saying
that it wasn't my call.

- [ groaning ] ugh,
right, whatever you're saying,

thank you.
- Jesus, don't be mad at me.

- [ scoffs ]
- thank you.

- All right, thank you.

- I promise you I had
nothing to do with it.

- Hey, look, really,
I'm not interested.

- Well, why are you
pissed at me?

- I'm not pissed at you,
I'm really not.

I'm pissed at the situation.
- Okay.

- Can you take that, though?

- Here you go.
- Thank you so much.

- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you... Sorry.

- They want what, sorry?
- Avocado.

- Are you...
- Here, I can do it.

Jesus christ, don't try
and do it now, like...

- Well, what is the ----ing

I literally came
into the galley...

- Hey, look...
- ...And sandy's said...

- Hey, look...
- ..."tom's coming up."

I had nothing to do with it.

I don't even know
what's going on!

If you...

- Why are you giving
me attitude?

- Just calm down.
- You're the one that's come up,

and you're giving me sh--
when I get...

I had nothing to do with it.
- Look...

- Go have a ----ing cry
with sandy.

- Wait, do they want
olive oil and...

- Yes.

- You feel the need
to apologize, but...

- I'm saying sorry...

- ...I'm having a go at you for
something that you didn't do...

- When I say
to someone I'm sorry...

- ...Then it just
doesn't make sense.

- It just doesn't add up.
- ...I'm sorry for you.

- Yeah.
- I'm not apologizing...

- I accept...
- ...Because I've done nothing.

- I accept it, then.

- Oh, what the [bleep]
is going on?

- Thank you so much, yay.
- No worries.

That literally went from
having the best time

being at a jujitsu lesson
to having this englishman

be a right ----ing asshole.

I'm just over it.

- Hi, how are you?

[ crying ]

- next, on "below deck med"...

- This is your
"nauti" evening...

Nautical with a
touch of naughty.

- Wow.
- Oh! Jesus

- oh, my god.

- What kind of operation
are we running here?

- Did I pack it right?
[ whipping noise ]

- hey, lovebirds,
you can't be up here

doing this with guests awake.

This isn't a sandals
couples retreat,

this is a ----ing super-yacht.

- I know normally you get a tip.

I thought I'd give you
these dinner invites.

I'll see ya.

- What the [bleep]?

- Just so you know,
I'm gonna name

a lead deckhand
for this last trip.

Even though it's our last run,

I think it'll mean
a lot to him, so...

- I'm so happy.

- Malia, malia, malia
----ing hell.

----Er. I cannot do it.
- Here's the deal...

Stay out of the galley,
stay away from him,

and let him do his job.

- He's gonna walk off the boat.
- Well, let him walk.

- [bleep] this.