Below Deck Mediterranean (2016–…): Season 5, Episode 15 - Shot Through the Heart, and Ibiza's to Blame - full transcript

While Jess deals with a scary medical condition, Rob draws Malia's ire by continuing to underperform on deck. Tom looks to polish off a perfect charter for the demanding Damons, while Aesha...

Ly on - hi! "below deck med"...

I'm back!

- I heard you've been
with these guests before.

- The damons.
- Yes.

- Oh, I loved them.

- This is what we did...
We had a lot of sex.

- It's so cool to be here.

- She's got a ton of experience.

Jess, this is your
third second stew.

- Why the [bleep] wasn't
I moved to second stew?

- Get creative with
your table settings.

I want the best compliment in
the tip meeting to come to you.

- Yeah.

- Ooh, they're baseballs!

- Please let the chef know...
- Thank you so much.

- ...This is amazing.

- I'm sending you ashore,
to o beach closing party.

- Oh, how sick is this place?

- When the guests
get off today...

- Mm?

- ...We're gonna leave the
water toys out for a little bit,

if people wanna get in.
- Oh, yes.

- Hey, you guys,
play on the toys.

Go have some fun.

- Hi, baby.
- Hello. Ooh.

- I booked the same
flight that you have.

- This is your negative sh...
That I'm having to deal with.

Block the bitch, get rid of her.

- Give it gas!

- What happened?

- Well, you're in love, so...

- You need water?
- Yeah.

- All right.

- All right, talk to me.

Just take a couple deep breaths.

- Can we turn the hot water on?

Do you wanna take a hot shower?

- Let's try standing up.

- [bleep] ugh.

- Captain sandy, captain sandy,

- oh, my gosh.

- Mm-mmm.

- Feel better.
- Thank you, malia.

[ crowd cheering, shouting ]

- here, you have to sit.

It's a game.

No, I'll just pour it
in your mouth.

- Ah! Ah!

- Bigger and happier.

- Oh, my gosh, michelle
is trying to do everything

to get some alcohol in me.

She's strong, man.

I mean, I wasn't resisting
very much, but she is strong.

That's dirty, I like it.

- Yeah...

- What's wrong with jess?
She's not feeling it?

- Apparently she got
off the jet ski,

and now she's not feeling
well or something.

- No, I just put her
in the shower.

- I don't know.

- Hey.

- Oh, hey. How are you feeling?

- My heart was beating so fast,
it, like, freaked me out.

I've never had that before.
I mean, I feel better now.

- Well, let's just take
your blood pressure.

I do this all the time.

I take my blood pressure
every day.

[ beeping ]

- these things freak me out.

- 154/102.

I'm gonna text my friend
who's a cardiologist.

Two years ago,
I had heart palpitations,

and my end result
was a heart attack.

We gotta do it three times
to make it accurate.

- Right.

- So as a captain,
I'm gonna stay on this,

check her blood pressure,
and make sure that she's okay.

That's not that bad.

- It runs in my family.

- Mine, too. Both parents
died of heart attacks.

I was in cycling class
and I noticed

that my heart rate
was not going down.

And then my arm
started going numb,

and I knew I was having
a heart attack.

What happened was scad,

spontaneous coronary
artery dissection,

which is something
that's very rare.

But one in three women die
of a heart attack or a stroke.

I sent her that one,
and she wrote back,

"that's not that bad."

- all right,
I'm gonna thank you.

I feel like I'm fine.

I think, like, riding the
jet ski, too much caffeine...

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

- You're welcome. Go rest.

- You feeling better?
- A little bit.

She took my blood pressure.

I almost thought
I was gonna die.

I'm starting to realize
that this relationship

is taking a physical toll on me.

One of my worst fears is
to be completely vulnerable,

to fall in love, and then it's
gonna deteriorate into sh...

I'm gonna go try and lay down.


[ crowd shouting ]

- I wanna get feathers and
I wanna dance with those girls.

- Where is johnny?
- I'll just sit on your mouth.

- Yeah.

- Oh, johnny's... ed man, oh.

- He's, like...

- I love it. It's fantastic.

- All right, let's get
this gatsby party started.

- I need to get dry in case
they call for a pickup.

- Hi, honey.

[ kissing ] I miss you.
- I miss you, too.

- Yeah.

- Okay.
- All right, love you.

- Did you guys wanna go back?
- Yeah?

- Yeah? It was fun? Okay.

[ phone ringing ]

- hello?
- Hey, girlfriend.

So, everyone here wants
to come back now.

- Okay, perfect.

- Hey, girl.
- Yeah.

- Guests are wanting
to come back now.

- Ow.

- You're so strong,
jesus christ!

- You have to go fetch
them dressed like this.

- Go.
- Coming.

- Ugh.

- Bridge, bridge, that's tender
away to go pick up the guests.

- Tom, do you have five seconds
to chat about this menu?

- Of course I do.

- Yeah? [ chuckling ]

- so, beef filet and
braised beef short rib.

- Right.

- Yeah, and the dessert
is a martini glass.

It's got coffee jelly,
and then it's got the...

Essentially a tiramisu middle...
- Amazing.

- ...And then
the crème anglaise on top.

And then we'll put some
coffee beans on top of that.

- Amazing. Thanks, tom.

- Look at these two.
- Woo!

- Yes!
- Welcome, welcome!

- You want to row in the...

- We're gonna make our way back
to the great gatsby.

- Oof.

- All right, girls.
- Thank you.

- Welcome back.

- Everything good?
- Everything's good, man.

[ sighs ]

- everything's great.

- Are those biodegradable balls?
- Yes.

- Can you show us you
hitting some balls?

- Yes.
- Yay! This is so fun!

- He's... ing wasted.

Like, it's... ing hysterical.

[ grunts ]

- strike one.
- Hey!

- He's, like, kinda,
like, eyes are swaying,

he's a little left and right.

Like, he's in
a good state of mind.

- Strike two.

- Son of a bitch!

I'm the best two-strike hitter
in the history of baseball.

- Ready?
I got your shade right here.

- Don't break your neck, though.

Oh, yeah!

- You just got traded.

- Hey. How you feeling?
- Fine.

- You sure?
- Should I put on my blacks?

- Yeah, I've got
the flapper dresses, too...

- Oh, yeah.

- ...But you don't have to
wear one if you don't want to.

- No, that's fine.

- If you're not feeling
up to it.

- Aesha?
- Yeah?

- I'm gonna swap
jess out with you,

and then you can go
from 7:30 to 8:30.

- All righty.
- Thank you.

- Catch you later.

- Oh sh..., this looks great!

Smile, bugs!

- Hey!
[ camera shutter clicking ]

- bye, bugs, you look great,
everything looks great.

- I don't look great,
but thank you.

- I love it!

- Gatsby!

- Yeah.

- Ah!
- Yeah!

- Shanna, do I look
good or what?

- No, you...
It looks really good.

- Oh, is captain sandy eating?

- She is.

- Holy guacamole.

- Oh, yeah.
Do you want your apron?

- Yeah, I want an apron.

- Mallorca!

- That's amazing.

- I'm his sous chef.

- Captain sandy.
- Hi!

- Sandy's the head.
- Action.

- This tablescape is
out of this world.

- Galley, galley,
I'm seating the guests now.

- Tell me what to do.
What do you need?

- The smaller of the two plates
that are in the oven,

you can pull them out. - Now?

- They're gonna be hot,
just watch yourself.


Salud, amor, dinero,
mucho tiempo arbol de fruta.

- Good job!

- Plates will be hot.

- What do you think
of the crew so far?

- It seems like
a very chill bunch.

- Helpful crew.

- I suppose you got
your man on here.

That always makes
everything way more enjoyable.

- Definitely makes it easier.

- Aesha, aesha, could
you pop up, please?

- Just, like, to the center,

and then just push
it to one side, like that.

- Oh, okay.

- Sorry, be back in a sec.

- Tom?
- Yeah?

- When I announce it,
how do you want me to say...

- Just roast beef filet
with braised short rib.

- Thank you.
- Sorry, it's very hot.

- This is our main.
- Thank you.

- And then the medium-rare
for sean.

- Kids are easier than dogs.

You can take your kids anywhere,
you can't take dogs anywhere.

- This is some serious business.

- Okay, so you have a beef filet
with a braised short rib.

- I...
- Mm-hmm?

- You want it a bit
more well-done?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- We can get it done
a little bit more.

- Do you like that well-done?

- I'm not sure, just...
- Just a bit more?

- Yeah, just a little bit more.
- Okay.

- You guys start eating, though.

- Coming up...

- Sh...

- I'm sorry about that, dude.

- Tom, tom, I'm coming
in with the primary's,

he just wants it
done a little bit more.

- You guys go... Start eating.

- Whose is it?
- The primary.

- Oh, really?

- He wants it done a bit more.

- Sh...
- Let me switch it out.

In the galley,
you can do everything right,

and they don't like it.

You're investing so much of
yourself into those dishes,

and you want to wow people,
and that's what hurts.

Put a bit more sauce on it.

Just tell him that we had lots.

- Perfect, thank you.

-... Ing hell.

- Johnny?

We had a piece on standby,
just for you.

- Oh, okay, perfect, thank you.

- This is really fabulous.

- So delicious.

- It is delicious.
- It's really fantastic.

- And it's hot!

- How's everybody's dinner?
- It's so good.

- Rog, did you actually
lick the plate?

- Tell him that was excellent.
- Of course.

- Oh!

Getting a little frisky.

- Tom?
- Yeah.

- They loved it!

- No one said it
was cold, though, right?

- No, no, no,
they've been raving.

- Yum!
- I love egg white bites.

- Starbucks egg white bites?

- Yeah, because
I looked up the recipe,

because I tried to make them.

- But were you able
to duplicate it?

- I was not!

- Do you know why?
- Why?

- The eggs...

They're actually
unfertilized komodo eggs.

- Komodo?

- Wait, what?
- Like the lizard?

- What?
- Are you being serious?

- Wait, what?
- You're freaking me out.

We don't have any komodo eggs.

- For dessert this evening,

we have a hot chocolate fondant
and espresso martini.

- Holy sh...
It's hard not to eat.

- That's good.
- Oh, my god.

- If you want to,
you can go down early

and get an extra hour.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Good night.
- Bye.

- Good night, thank you.

- Good night, bugs, thank you.

- Thanks, thank you.
I'm gonna go clean.

- Nice job tonight.

- I'm tired too.

- Johnny wants us
to come over there.

- He's starting to move.

- Are they?
- Yeah.

- Okay, coming in hot.

- What was that?

- Did you say sh... stain? What?

- It means...
- [bleep] in the world...

- It means "I love you."
- sh... stain?

That is not an endearment.

- Sh... stain means I love you?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- It's my word of...

It's my words of affection.
- Wow.

- I'm used to being around crew
that's, like, really heavy on,

like, the banter and
the sh... talk

and jokes and
that kind of thing.

But I...

I just find that I haven't
seen them bantering much.

It's already, like sh...
Enough having to work,

so you wanna, like,
make sure that your crew life

is just fun all the time.

- Sleep well.

- Have a good sleep.
- You, too.

- Go, ros, go, ros, go, ros!

- Hey, anybody got
any dollar bills?

- Yeah!

- Ibiza!

- How you going?

- Sorry, when you bend over
like that, I can't help it.

Sorry, it's, like... It's my...
My... My brain.

- Thank you.

You guys are so fun.

It feels like I'm with
my friends, not my guests.

- All right, babe, let's go.

- All right.
- All right.

- Good night, love you guys.

- Babe. [bleep]

[ urinating ]

- nighty-night.

- I am gonna beat yo's ass...

[ slurring ]

- what does that mean?
- Yeah.

- Get on the bed.
- Yeah, close the door.

We do need to not
have more babies.

[ alarm clock ringing ]

- hey, rob, rob.

- Babe.
- Mm?

- Sh...

- Good morning, rob.

How's it going, dude?

Real good?

- Is he pissed off?


- I'm sorry about that, dude.

- Don't even sweat it,
I'm not even gonna sweat it.

- All right, man.
- Oversleeping, that's not okay.

Because that transfers
into somebody else's time

and hours of rest.

I... ed up.

- Well, well, well, look
what the cat dragged in.

- Morning.
- Morning.

You smell nice.

- Hey.

- Morning.

- See? It is morning.

- I kept that one locked.
- Cool.

- May I get some coffee?

- What the [bleep], rob?

Rob, rob, malia, can you
head to the swim platform?

- Copy.

- Seriously? What the hell?

[ humming ]

- what the [bleep]?
What are you doing?

- I just came back here.

- I don't wanna come out here
and see you and jess kissing

on the aft deck when
things just aren't done.

- Coming up...

- Okay, here we go.

[bleep] quickly, quickly.

- [bleep]'s sake.
- [bleep]'s sake.

- What the [bleep]?

What are you doing?

- I just came back here.

- I don't wanna come out here
and see you and jess

kissing on the aft deck
and you asking me for coffee

when things just aren't done.

The boat looks like
absolute sh...

Morning shift is like
the most critical,

because you're the first person
to prep the area

before the guests get up.

Your duties are right here.

Vinegar and blade windows,

stainless hasn't been touched,

windows haven't been touched.

I want it to be clear that the
morning person busts their ass.

Rob worked on big boats,

he's worked on charter boats,
so he knows better.

I think he is just totally
lost in this, you know,

romance with jess,
so he's not thinking clearly.

Grab the microfibers.

I put clean ones
in that basket last night.

- Sweet as.

- Morning, rob.
- Morning, bugs.

- Gorgeous.

Jess? - Yeah?

- Very pretty.
- Thanks.

- Are you feeling better?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm feeling better.

- How is the... How's laundry?

- I'm just gonna iron
this stuff, yeah, is that okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

But I have to say that
the laundry is looking great.

- Thank you!
- You've done a really good job.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- The more time
you invest in someone,

the better they're gonna do.

And I'm happy that
I've taken the time to.

You've done really, really well.

- Thank you.

- Hello, hello.

[ sighs ]

- how's your laundry
been this charter?

- Great.
- Yeah?

- All right,
let's prep these anchors.

And it's gonna be which color?
- Red.

- That's port and starboard.

- Ah. So it's red, then...

No, green. - Green.

- [bleep]'s sake.

- She's on top of it, huh?

- I have to say she's done
really well this charter.

- Captain sandy,
you've got myself

and rob standing by anchor.

- You can start
hauling the anchor.

- Yellow on deck,
yellow on deck.

Anchor home.

- Okay, great, thank you.

[ snoring ]

- jess, can you please
come to the bridge?

Jess to the bridge.

- Copy that, on my way.


- I see all my clothes hanging
in my closet, thank you.

- Yeah!

Bugsy told me that
you are killing it.

- Aw!

- And you never were
allowed the time

to actually do your
job effectively.

- Yeah, I'm realizing that.

Compliment from sandy,
compliment from bugsy.

- Gracias... Mucho gracias.

- You are welcome, thank you.

Did I actually die today?

I just got called up
for a compliment.

- Oh!
- Whoa!

- Wow!

- Did you have
your first compliment?

- Yes!

- I'm happy.
- The season's over.

- Charter seven.

- As much as I hate to admit it,

bugs has a good structure
going on,

and it's allowing me
to actually...

- Whoa.
- ...Get my job done.

- What?

- It's funny, you know?

I'm getting better at my job,

but my relationship's
getting worse.

- There you go.

- Feel better?

- Oh, my gosh, you look dead.

Coffee, coming up, sailor.

Special treat for a special boy.

- Special little boy.

- You're the best.
- I know.

- Oh, and I'm the worst.
- See ya.

- Bye.

- Good morning,
how did you sleep?

- Yeah?

[ laughter ]

- well, that's good.
Your breakfast is on its way.

- Look at you.

- It's, like, really
rocking around.

- I know, I know.

- Hey, girlfriend.

Scrambled eggs
with american cheese.

Huevos rancheros. - Oh, perfect.

- Looks good.
- My pleasure.

- Morning, guys.
- Good morning.

- You have a good sleep?
- Yes.

- Yeah?
- Did you?

- Oh, it was so nice.

- Rob and alex, if you guys can

change into epaulettes,
that'd be great.

- Copy that.
- Copy that.

- Bugsy.
- Yes?

- Good luck kicking us out.

- That's all right, we got you.

- ♪ we got us, you got us ♪

- what are you talking about?

- All right, all crew, all crew.

We are proceeding
into the marina.

- Copy.

All right, guys, eyes forward
for vessels, please.

Will one of you just be
on this side with jess,

and one of you on this side.

- You'll be on this side,
I'll be on this side.

- Okay, here we go.

Bridge, bridge, that's all
crew standing by on fenders.

All clear off your starboard.

- This way?

- Pull it up,
and just drag that.

- Just slide it? Okay.

Okay, go back before
you get in trouble.

- All clear off your stern,
80 feet to the dock.

[ grunting ]

[ laughter ]

- ten more feet to port,
and then we will be lined up.

Twenty-five feet
to the dock astern.

Can I have the lines?

- Lines across.


oh, for [bleep]'s sake.

- [ snapping fingers ]
quickly, quickly,

pick it out of the water.
- Yes...

Yes, yes, yes.

- Captain, you have port
stern line going across.

- [bleep]'s sake.

- Dropping heaving lines like
that is total amateur hour.

If she loses her stern coming
in there, that's a disaster.

Still working on stern lines.

- And I just wanna
dock this boat.

- [bleep] this, bru.

- [bleep]'s sake.

- [bleep]'s sake, man.
- Come on, man.

- Still working on stern lines.

- [bleep] this, bru.

- [bleep]'s sake.

This docking is going terribly.

We look like absolute fools.

- Okay, alex, get ready
on your cross-back.

- I'm gonna walk
the boat over to port.

- Copy.

Rob, lock your straight-back
off, get on your cross-back.

- [ snapping fingers ]
quickly, quickly,

take up tension
on your cross-back.

- I am!

- Is it square on the dock,

- We are slightly to starboard.

- Is that enough tension?

...Ing hell, man.

- Oh, my god, rob is killing me.

Rob, it's not locked off.

- Is it okay to finish
with the mains?

- Okay.

Yeah, we're okay
to shut it down.

- Thank you. Nice work.

- Woo!

- Babe, adena's not
wearing panties.

Can you tell her
that's inappropriate?

- Adena...
- I lost all of my panties.

- What do you mean,
you lose them?

How the [bleep]
do you lose a panty?

- He dropped a heaving line
three times.

It goes up, into the piss.

Up, into the piss.
Up, into the piss.

- He's over there, actually.


- All crew, all crew,
let's queue up on the dock.

- Oh, man.
- What?

- How frustrated are you?

- From now on, you're gonna
have to be

whichever side is critical.

I'm gonna need you on that side.

- That's cool.
- Because I can't...

I can't [bleep] around
with this anymore.

- Yeah.

- Walking the plank.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

- Thank you!
- Thank you so much.

- Thank you, it's been awesome.
- Great.

- Yeah.
- You're welcome.

- Thank you, it's
been a pleasure.

- Great to see you.
- Bye!

- It was so great seeing you.
- You too, thank you.

- Oh, it was incredible.
- Food was amazing.

- Good, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
- Service was amazing.

Everybody was amazing.

Our last charter
was good, but...

- It was great, yeah.
- ...This time was way better.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

- I appreciate this.
- [ all ] bye!

- Thank you so much!
- Great to have you guys.

- Oh!

- They're so cute.

- All right, everybody, out of
our whites, into our reds.

- Woohoo!
- Yes.

- Thanks.

- All right, guys, trash,
sun deck,

and then just rinse
and we are good.

Rob, I'm gonna sit and talk
to you for a sec, all right?


The stern, when we come in,
is super critical.

- I understand.

- A heaving line,
if you throw it

and you don't make it to the
dock once, that's a mistake.

You made that mistake
three times.

If there was a boat
to our starboard side...

- I understand.

- ...That second time
you missed that,

we would have lost our stern,
and we did lose our stern.

If you make a mistake,
it's the hustle

in correcting that mistake.

The time that you take on a line

is the time that we lose with
the boat correcting itself.

- I'm very conscious of the
fact that I'm not really

showing up on deck, and
I feel that...

And I think that's
really selfish of me.

I'm frustrated with myself
as well, so, it's what it is.

- All right, thank you.

- Let's carry on with the rest.

- Okay, so you've got
in all the orders

for the green juice. - Yeah.

- How long have you
been in yachting?

- About five years.

- So what happened with your
last relationship on a boat?

- It was just, like, the same
situation as you and rob.

You're the first guy in,
like, years that's actually

made me wanna have a boyfriend.

- And we haven't even had sex,
isn't that weird?

- So that's how you know
that I really like you.

And then he left
and went straight back

to his ex-girlfriend.

- Were you guys at a "I love
you" type stage, or...

- Oh, not I love you, we're
only on here for six weeks.

- Well, we're already saying it.
- Are you... Oh!

Are you serious?

- That's probably why
you don't have a boyfriend.

- Is this your first proper
boat relationship?

- Yeah, I've never dated...

- Because that is probably why.

- All crew, all crew,

meet me in the main salon
for our tip meeting.

- Weapons down.

- Hey-o.
- Hey-o.

- Well done, everyone.

I thank aesha.

Having you on board has been
like a breath of fresh air.

Jess is getting better
in the laundry... Thank you.

Because I have all my clothes!

Tom, your food last night was
so good, and I am blown away.

- Good.
- Cheers to all of you.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- I mean that.

Again, remember,
it's at the end of the season

you count your money. - Uh-oh.

- We got $18,000 u.S. Dollars,
which is a great tip.

- Nice.

- Thirteen hundred
euros per person.

- Aw! Such a letdown.

- Cheers.
- Cheers!

- Thank you, thank you.

Have fun tonight.

- Thank you...
- No, thank you.

- ...For a great charter.
- Another great trip.

- You gonna save
yourself for dinner?

- Uh-uh.

- If you had completely
fallen in love with someone,

like, head-over-heels
madly in love,

and then after you found out
that they had a micro-penis,

would you stay with them?

- Yeah, I still love him.

[ laughs ] - yeah.

- Congratulations.

- What's the equivalent
for a girl-wise,

like a... ing absolute...

- Like a really wide vagina.

- I've never seen a vagina,
I'm a virgin.

- Me, too.

- I'm opting out of
this conversation.

- You are?
- Mm-hmm.

- I've kissed a girl once,
and it was scary.

- What is your main export
in new zealand?


- Jess, you wanna go
to one of those stores?

You wanna take a walk?

- Yeah.
- Lamb?

Wool? Dairy?

Milk. - Jesus, you've got a lot.

[ laughs ]

- anything to do with farms.

- Did you really
wanna go shopping?

Yes or no?
- Yeah, I'm down to go.

- All right, cool.
- If you find a nice t-shirt...

- Bring it to you,
or you wanna come?

- Oh, you guys are having
your own conversation,

so I wasn't sure if
I was invited.

- You were, too,
so I didn't wanna interrupt.

- You jealous?

- Boy, hey!

This is weird.

- Why am I being jealous?

Because they're in
the middle of...

- Because you are...
- ...A conversation...

- ...You are a jealous person.
I gave rob a hug the other day,

and you wanted
to shoot me in the face.

Is jess jealous?


[ laughs ] yes!


that's when I leave.

- All right, coming in hot.
- Come on, honey!

[ grunting ]

- can I talk to you
for a second?

- Hey?

- Can I talk to you
for a second?

- I don't really have anything
to say to this conversation.

- All right.

- Alex, are you coming
with to the shops?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- We're going right now.
- Like in five minutes?

- Yeah.
- Hi.

- What's up?

- So at this point, are we just

looking for things
to get upset about?

- I was in a conversation.

- I am so sorry that you were so
involved in that conversation...

- Why are you shouting at me?
- I'm not.

- You are.

Do you feel
threatened or something?

- I don't give a [bleep].

- You stink.
- You're a stinker!

[ laughter ]

- you...
- You're a stinker!

- ...Are wretched.
- You're wretched!

- But don't get mad at me if
I am trying to sit here

and figure out how you can
get clothes and stuff like that,

and then you're ignoring me.

- You have huevos rancheros.
- You...

- I'm sorry for not seeing
that that you were trying.

I was turned in a conversation.

- I know, it was about nothing.

- I didn't know we
were in a time crunch.

What the [bleep]?

Jesus christ, I...
What the [bleep] is this?

- I don't know.

- There's more here.

I don't know what the [bleep]...
I don't know what this is.

I was in a very surface fun conversation,

where I was detaching
from everything else that was happening today.

- I don't wanna bring anymore
drama into your life.

That's all it feels like
at this point,

so I'm sorry I can't
bring any detached,

fun conversations to your life.

- Coming up...

- Oh, my gosh, no,
wait, what the heck?

- I'm not... I'm not nervous.

- Oh, no, no...

- Alex...
- What the [bleep]?

- Whoa!
- Woo!

- Jesus christ,
it feels like we're arguing,

and I don't wanna be involved...

- We are arguing, but...
- I don't...

I don't want to argue.
- ...I don't want to.

- No, I don't, either.

- I'm sorry I can't
bring any detached,

fun conversations to your life.

...Ing bullsh...

- Let's go check
out these shops.

Let's go, boy.
- I'm not your puppy.

- Come on, puppy dog.

This is really cool,
oh, my gosh.

[ laughter ]

- stop it, thomas.

- Where's all the glitter?

Oh, my gosh, look how
cute this top is.

- What about this?
Can I wear this or not?

- No.

- You're like a rabid dog.

- I like that.

- Bugs, I need to have,
like, a Spain look tonight.

This or this?

- Try it on.

Ooh... Oh, my gosh,
you have to wear that.

Like, I might wanna
date you in that shirt.

- Are you saying
we might have a chance?

- Thank you so much.

- Gracias.
- Gracias.

- Oh, my gosh,
I'm so excited for tonight.

[ phone vibrating ]

- hi, jerry.

I'm good, how are you?

[ laughs ]

they're, like, mostly american,

and, like,
they're all so lovely.

But it's just, like,
they're not the kind of people

that I'm used
to hanging out with.

My crew last year, we all just,
like, had the best banter.

Yeah, we're gonna eat
a colin sandwich!

[ nomming noises ]

- you're like the fella, and
I'm like the little bitch.

But, like, this crew so far...

I find it a bit harder to,
like, get banter going and,

like, that kind of thing.

- Yeah, it might change
after tonight,

because we're going out.
We're going drinking.

Thank you for listening,
I love you.

- All right...

- Thank you.

There was jealousy there,
I think.

That's what I felt.

It's, like, just because
I'm not paying you mind now

like I paid you mind
this entire time

that I've been on the vessel,

just because I'm having
a playful conversation

with someone, doesn't
mean sh..., like, nothing.

- Mm-hmm.

- Look how beautiful it is.

- Yeah, it is, yeah.

- So you had a good charter?

I do believe
that they get easier.

Like, the more...

- It's a lot of work
in that galley.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

I've never had so
much stress in one week.

Typically, I work
with two chefs.

You know, but that's
on a much bigger boat.

Being a sole chef is three...

Three times harder, exactly.

Hey, gorg. - Hi, george.

- I wanna have
a good night tonight.

- Yeah, we have to.
- We will.

- Captain looks young.

- Look what I've got... Glitter!

Guys, is it too crazy?

- No, you look great.

- Are we ready to go?

Alex, will you please hold that?

Looks great with your outfit.

- All right, let's do this.

- How did you get stuck with
the jewelry bag?

- Whatever bugs tells me
to do, I'll do it.

- Good boy.
- Ibiza, baby, yeah.

- I'm so excited
to go out tonight.

I've been told I've had
a really good time in ibiza,

but I can't know for sure.

Oh, that's so nice!

- Yeah, alex can sit here,
and then brad and angie there.

- Yeah.
- Oh, I love this.

- Nice menu.

- Guys, who would like red
and who would like white?

- Oh, red.
- White.

- Are you drinking?
- I'll have some red.

- Oh, my... Nope.

- No, you're not.

- Yes.
- Nope.

- Yes.

- Let's get... ed up!

- Yeah!
- Are you ready?

- I'll do the california roll.

- May I have the
avocado tartar, please?

- Vegetarian pizza.

- Steak, medium-rare.
- Thank you.

[ kissing ]

- oh, my gosh, no, wait,
what the heck?

- What?
- I'm not...

I'm not nervous.

- Oh, no, no, no...
That's freaky.

[ laughter ]

- what?
- Whoa!

- Alex...

- How the hell does he
do that with the ball?

It's literally floating!

What the [bleep]?

- Wow.
- Thank you!

[ clapping ]

- thank you.

- Perfect, thank you very much.

- Enjoy.

- This is delicious.

- Favorite roll's a dragon roll.

- Rybo's sushi is... ing fire.

- Wait, wait, wait...

- Yeah.

- Do you remember me
saying there's some... ing

snotty south african?

Swear to god...

- No, when did you leave rybo?

- Oh [bleep], oh, probably.

- Wait, so you
were there in may.

- Yeah.
- Oh, it was.

- [bleep]

- were you with
another south african?

- A gay guy called leonis.

- [ screams ] ah!

- Yeah, yeah.

- Jesus nora, you screamed.

[ laughs ] - what the hell?

- I swear to god I need to
know now if it was him.

- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- And I think it was.

- Can't expect me
to remember everything.

I'm not an elephant.

- Yeah.

- And then it's like...

- Hey, malia.

- What is it with these two?

Like, honestly, can you
ever just join the group?

- I hear you.

- It's weird to me.

- This is the stupidest
sh... I've ever heard.

- If they're having
fights this early on,

there's no way
they're gonna last.

- Unreal.

- Coming up...

- How do you do that?


- what the [bleep]?

- You gonna kiss me, or what?

What is that little grin for?

- I feel like a lot has happened
before I've come,

which I've got no idea about.

And I'm finding it
quite hard to, like,

penetrate myself into it,
so to speak.

- Come here.
- Yeah.

- Okay, okay, guys, my treat...

Everyone's gonna come
and have a little bit

of a face-paint, okay? Let's go.

- No! I don't like that.

- What?

- Stop, bugs, stop.

- Eew!

Okay, let's go,
let's go, guys, let's go.

- Thank you so much.

- I'm not playing these games
back and forth with you.

- Hey!

- Oh, what's wrong, jess?

- Thank you.

- You sure?
- Yeah, thank you.

- Oh, wow, those two look happy.

I don't know if
they're the best match.

They'll be...
- They're a terrible match.

They're a terrible match.
- Yeah.

- I... I think they're...

- She likes the fact that
he's a model, and that's it.

- Yeah.
- You guys...

- Like, rob is
actually a very...

- Spiritual person, yeah.

- ...Spiritual person,
and jess is a...

- She's a shallow mother... er.

- I mean, like, let's be honest,
jess is a very sweet girl,

but the background
of her phone is herself.

- Yeah.
- So that should tell...

- What?
- Yeah.

- And rob's probably spring
flowers, or something.

- I really gotta pee.

- I'm in ibiza, mate.

- She's... I don't know, bru.
- She acting weird?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, be with the guys.

Who gives a [bleep].

- Yeah.
- Cheers.

[ howling ]

- that's sick, right?

- I'm annoyed.

Now I have to watch him
flirt with aesha?

Like, what the [bleep]?

[ dance music ]

- hey!

- Bye-bye, friend zone.

[ laughs ]

- I don't, I don't either.

- Yeah.

- Jess and rob suck
to go out with.

It just dampens the whole mood.

- I don't do that.
- Yes, you do.

Jess has... ed
with me a little bit too much,

and I feel broken.

That's how I feel.

- Next, on "below deck med"...

- Bugsy, bugsy,
we need some cucumbers.

Jess, jess? Chef, chef?

- The client wants
some cucumbers

with olive oil and salt.

- We got no break...

18-minute break,
or whatever it was.

- I can do it.

I can do it now.
- What's your... ing problem?

- She's jealous, man.

You guys gotta figure out
is this real,

or was this just a moment
that it's going too far?


- I lost the bow thruster.


- why is our stern
going this way?

- We have lost all power.

Without the bow thruster,
I cannot control the bow.

Are you ready on the anchor?

[ beeping ]
the engines are gone.