Being Human (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 8 - Your Body Is a Condemned Wonderland - full transcript

Previously on Being Human...

Why can you talk to your roomates
about what's going on but you can't talk to me?

I'd like to take this opportunity
to ask her to marry me.

You wanna torture yourself
for the harm you've done,

and we're here to help you
with that, every minute...

of every day.

Liam Maclean, Connor and Brynn's father.

No!

There aren't many of
my kind left in Boston,

but one of them is a purebred killer.

Aidan is a good man.



Take care of him, or I'll take care of you.

I killed his daughter.

But it's not like Aidan is so innocent.

Ever stopped to wonder how
many people he's killed?

- Go out with me.
- You know that Kat is one of my closest my friend.

I can control myself.

Stay away from her, Aidan.
And stay away from Erin too.

She's a kid, Aidan!

You will serve the will of the pack.

And now we're seeing a
severe bacon shortage.

With all this missing bacon...

Hey!

Hey.

You know, for 2 people
who live in the same house



and have the same job,

it seems ridiculous that we,
like, never see each other.

I thought you'd secretly moved out.

No! Out of the dank basement wonderland?

No, never.

The pipes alone are like
a gurgling, rusty lullaby.

- Are you going to work?
- Yep.

- Aren't you on nights?
- Yes.

- But it's day.
- Well... I know.

- Are you working doubles?
- Yes.

That's crazy. I'll talk to scheduling.

- Don't do that.
- I'm gonna do it.

A dozen bear claws, a couple
well-considered compliments,

they're putty.

That's not it. I'm laying low.

I'm trying not to be wherever...

Nora is.

Listen, I know...

I know you didn't hurt Erin on purpose.

Liam got into her head somehow,
made her come after you.

Come here. Um...

Josh, do you think that
Liam knows about Connor?

No. The only people who
know are you, me and Nora.

And Nora would never say anything, ever.

Why not? She blames me for Erin's death.

Yeah, she's angry and she's grieving.

She'll come around. She's
not gonna sell you out.

But just the same,

don't you think I ought
to steer clear of her

until after the full moon?

No! No, no, no!

Josh, hey!

Listen, listen, stop.

We are a household.

I hate tension at home.

I feel like I'm 10, trapped
with my parents' silent fighting.

Did you just equate me
and Nora with your parents?

Listen, I'll take her
out tonight to dinner.

I'll ply her with some Pinot.
I'll work my seductive magic.

Tomorrow, you'll be safe
to come home to your...

- Dank basement wonderland.
- Dank basement wonderland.

Where's the bread knife?

Who buys bread you have to slice?

That's some crazy pioneer crap right there.

It's on the shelf next to
the scuzzy chipmunk glass!

Idiot can't see you.

Hey!

Hey, have you seen the
serrated knife anywhere?

Uh, on the shelf, next
to the chipmunk glass?

That's amazing.

Now, do you know where

my Dr. Zaius action figure is?

Because I haven't seen
him since, like, 1998.

I don't know.

Maybe we should ask the 2 bloody ghosts

in their underwear.

Who the hell are you?

They're here?

- Oh, we're Aidan's guests.
- For dinner.

Two courses, one very hungry diner.

What... what are they saying?

You know them?

Aidan... Aidan killed them

when he was trying to save Henry.

AKA: He fed us to his skinless
offspring like hamsters.

You left out the part where he
made us make out with Henry first.

Hence the eternal skivvies.

I... I can explain.

It got out of hand. Aidan panicked.

That is a super-sanitized
version of what happened.

How does neck-snapping get out of hand?

That's how he...

Listen, I'm sorry.

But I think you guys should go.

And I think we should be un-murdered,

you enabling codependent assbag.

Hey!

Nora, listen, they're angry.

And they have every right to be,

but you can't listen to everything...

I'm sorry.

Are they gone?

Or are they murdering Sally?

Right, one tip about Betty and Veronica...

Hey, since when is wearing
hats inside a thing?

You have to dress every moment

like this is the outfit
that you could die in.

This what you're willing to die in?

Stop, quiet.

Listen, just please do not
disperse the underwear bitches

when I am in my room, ok?

That's where they reset. They died there.

Aidan killed them in the house?

So that makes 3 dead girls.

Basically, our home is drenched in blood.

Four.

If you count the header
I took down the stairs.

Thank you for reminding us we
live in a funhouse of horrors.

Erin was an accident.

It was an accident.

Yeah, Erin fell.

She hit her head, home by herself,

just like we told the police

and DCS and our supervisors.

And no one's digging too deep

because there is such a
trail of screw-ups and neglect

leading to and from Erin

that everyone just wants to
run and cover their asses.

If you wanna blame someone,

you gotta blame Liam.

I mean, he's...

he had to have pushed or threatened Erin

into trying to kill Aidan.

It's the only thing that makes sense.

Nora, you took Erin in
when no one else would.

It shouldn't go this easy when a girl dies.

Somebody should pay.

I know.

I'm so sorry.

Oh God!

Seriously, what are
you gonna do about that?

You're getting worse by the hour.

You're, like, melting.

Yeah, and you two look
like human maxi pads.

Glass houses much?

We're the definition of "hot mess."

Could you leave? I can't deal with you.

Go mess it up somewhere else.

Drag.

This can't be happening.

Josh said you were gonna leave us alone.

I knew you were grieving.
I wanted you to have this.

Wolfsbane.

In my family, when you lose a wolf,

you bury her in a full field of it.

But isn't it bad for wolves?

Ordinarily, we avoid it
because of its calming effect.

But when a wolf dies,

the idea is it helps
the spirit finally rest.

I don't know if she can rest.

Erin had a short and violent life.

I think she found
something there at the end.

Erin may not have been yours by birth,

but you two had a bond.

Packs aren't just blood family.

You take in a stray, they
become one of your own.

I'm trying to make
sense of how Erin died...

how she attacked Aidan.

Is that what the leech told you?

Nature will take care of him.

The virus will dust his kind.

Did you talk to her
about him, about vampires?

A 15year-old alone with a vampire

gets her head smashed in.

You tell me what happened.

I shouldn't have left her alone.

I should have been there
for Connor and Brynn.

They were grown.

You couldn't have been
with them all the time.

Were?

I meant Connor.

My whole life,

I wanted a father who'd love
me as much as you love Brynn.

I hope you find her.

Oh, excuse me.

Nora...

for Josh's sake,

do you think we could try to get along?

I wanna believe the best of you. I do.

Because Josh does.

But Erin is dead.

And there are 2 more girls upstairs

with your initials on them.

You saw them?

Yeah.

They were hovering over Josh
while he was grilling paninis.

Ok, what about you?

Purebreds don't let you join their pack

and then just walk away.

What happened to Brynn?

Josh told you.

No, Josh wouldn't do that.

There's only one way that you left Brynn

or she would have come after you.

Let's be clear on one thing:

Brynn was no innocent.

What I did was to save
myself. It was self-defense.

That's exactly what...

So what do you wanna do?

I will be cordial, for Josh's sake,

until I understand exactly
what happened to Erin.

And then someone is gonna answer for it.

Professor Neely!

Oh! Crap!

"Oh crap" to you too.

No, I mean, are we supposed to meet now?

No, um, this is gonna sound sudden,

but I can't go out with you tonight.

You like to do things in person, don't you?

The thing is, it's just
not a good idea, you know,

going out with your roommate's friend.

It's complicated.

Oh!

So you wanna see me never.

I thought you were rescheduling.

Well, not never.

I mean, if we run into each other...

Yeah, right.

If we run into each other,
we won't avert our eyes.

Great, so, uh, I'll see you around.

You are not used to women
saying no to you, are you?

What? No.

No, I mean, no, I am not used to...

I mean, yes, people say no to me.

Ok. Then no.

No what?

I didn't ask a yes or no
question, or any question.

No, you may not break your date with me.

Isn't that more like saying
yes, only really forcibly?

Do you know how hard it
is to find a layperson

who can argue about the
Continental Congress?

I do, actually.

You're not one of those
Revolutionary War reenactors, are you?

- Uh, nay.
- Pity.

I've been known to don a
tavern-wench outfit on occasion.

Um...

It's good clean American historical fun.

Ok. You're one of those
Renaissance-fair chicks, huh?

You may never know what manner of corsets

I have in my closet.

So now the rot spot has spread.

Is crap seriously not
falling off your body?

No, I'm intact.

I mean, I'd ask Stevie,

but he's out hitching with strangers.

Hopefully not leaving bits of himself

in every car he's been in.

It's just your scalp?

Yeah, for now. Am I overreacting?

It's easy for me to say.

I don't have your flowing tresses.

I mean, yeah, ok,

so maybe this is just part
of the reanimation, right?

My scalp sloughing off,

it's like chemo.

And I've always had super-sensitive skin.

We went through a radical process.

The stress of being
brought back from the dead?

Criminally under-reported.

Also, I've been eating
like a half-ton shut-in.

- Do you have any chips?
- Knock yourself out.

Oh, pretzel bites.

You guys get a cat?

Oh, no, it's just a stray.

I feel sorry for the little bugger.

Listen, I kind of have a full plate today.

Full plate of what? You
never leave the house.

I know! But look how clean it is, huh?

No, you know, I just
wanna paint the bedroom.

I'm putting up a couple of new bookshelves.

And, actually, I have
online Arabic at 4:00, so...

Well, don't mind me.

I'll just flake away somewhere else.

Maybe, you know, you can
throw some powder up there.

Oh, thanks for not caring.

Have fun not rotting.

I am going to lash myself to this thing

and then just refuse to leave.

Is that ok with you?

You weren't kidding. This is...

This is like nirvana in a house.

It's unbelievable. Look at the dining room.

Yeah, that, and way out of our price range.

Would you just bask in it? All right?

Just enjoy it.

I'm trying to bask.

- You're not trying hard enough.
- I am.

I keep feeling like we're
here to be interviewed

for some butler/housemaid situation.

Hi.

Oh! Wow!

Day drinking in a stranger's house.

It could be your house.

You two take it in without me hovering.

Thanks, Martha.

So why is Martha acting like
we're gonna make an offer?

Well, because I may have

lied through my teeth...

to get us a private viewing.

Why? So that we could
feel bad about ourselves?

Mmmmm.

So we could see what our future looks like.

Hey, whoa! No, no! I didn't even get a sip!

I know we can't swing this place.

But someday,

we will live in a house just as beautiful.

I promise.

Do you love me?

Of course I do. Always.

I've been looking, waiting for this, like,

perfect, elusive moment,

but it always just seems
like there's an avalanche

that we have to dig ourselves out of.

And I know that you're grieving.

And I know that it's a turn night.

But we're still here...

together.

And that's not gonna change.

Oh my God!

Sit down.

Josh...

I love you so much.

I love you more than I
ever thought possible.

I love you more and more
and more every single day.

And I'm gonna take care
of you until we're both...

in diapers.

At which point,

I will have arranged for
some excellent home care.

And until then, it's gonna be awesome.

Roses.

Oh my God!

Will you marry me?

You're ready for a lifetime of it?

With what our lives are like,

never knowing what's coming
at us around the corner?

That's why I wanna do it right now.

I don't wanna wait.

We don't know what's gonna happen.

What are we waiting for?

Nothing.

Nothing, right?

Yes.

- Yes?
- Yes.

- Really?
- Yes!

I love you. I love you.

Ok...

Ok...

You wanna jump me right now.

If this wasn't your best shirt...

Uh-huh.

I'd tear it off your body.

Uh-huh!

You should maybe try that.

- Let's lock Martha out.
- Yeah, Martha.

And you are going to die
when you see the master bath.

I almost spilled future
generations just looking at it!

And what's all that business?

This is embalmer's wax.

It helps to, like, smooth
out the jaggedy bits

and it preps the surface.

That's handy.

It's like spackle and
primer. Two-in-one job.

You ever wonder

what other couples do
for fun and conversation?

No. Those couples run out of
things to talk about at dinner.

Oh.

That's tight.

Does it last?

You mean, like, forever?

Yeah. Does it hold up to
a lot of wear and tear?

Is it waterproof?

I don't think he'll be
joining the Dead Olympics,

if that's what you mean.

Why has it gotta be waterproof?

Just, like, you know, mourners' tears,

bathing the skin...

Well...

well, I haven't had any complaints.

It seems to hold up pretty well

at all the hot and humid funerals.

Hmm!

Hey, no fingerprints. Come on.

How long does that all take to set?

Huh! So you were listening to my lecture

and not just lurking outside.

Well, I wasn't gonna say anything,

but I didn't see how the brothel...

Uh, right, well,

when more than 2 of my students are asleep,

I start talking about
strumpets and bawdy-houses

just to see if they're listening.

How did you get into this era?

Why? 'Cause it's so unsexy?

Because, um,

one of my ancestors was
a Revolutionary War hero.

Oh! Ok.

Why so skeptical?

It was a less heroic
time than people think.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I offend you?

No. No! It's nothing personal.

It's just that no one ever says:

"My ancestor was a war
criminal or a pig farmer."

Aidan!

Finally, face to face.

Uh, sorry, do I know you?

You knew my son, Connor.

I'm Liam Maclean.

And you are?

- Kat.
- Kat.

Can I catch up with
you in a couple minutes?

Do you mind?

I can wait.

She likes you.

Uh, Liam, could I just
have a couple of minutes?

Sure.

Hey, I'm just gonna take
care of some business.

Right now? Mid-corridor?

I know. It's super abrupt.

I tend to do this to you a lot.

Don't go. I'm serious.

We're late meeting my mom, remember?

Come on, I can throw a
girly fit if you want.

I'll call you.

- Trust me.
- Ok.

What do you want?

Under different circumstances,

you'd love where I'm taking you.

It's a singular place, dear to my heart.

Thrown to the wolves by a fellow leech.

It's staggering!

We protect our own...

avenge our own.

You murdered my son.

Murdered your son? He
was hunting me for sport!

Blackthorn burns worse
than most, doesn't it?

Tell me what happened to Brynn!

I don't know!

She was too fast. I couldn't catch her.

Are you saying that my
daughter turned and ran,

leaving her brother's dead body with you?

Think about it.

How could she face you without her brother?

She would have found
her way home eventually.

And Brynn could never have hidden

so that I couldn't find her.

I'm a tracker by blood.
I'll always find my own.

Are you gonna tell me?

I could let you die like a man.

We could face off when I turn...

purebred against leech,
a fight to the finish.

I might even give you a silver blade.

Tell me what happened!

The truth!

Forget to do the shopping?

Hey, babe.

I was just...

Going drugstore cowboy at work?

No. I was just borrowing
a couple of essentials.

Do you know how many
porters that I've had to fire

for fencing formaldehyde?

I don't want your formaldehyde.

You're not huffing
embalming fluid, are you?

No. I just...

I was just trying to work
on my reconstruction skills.

It's just a solvent, ok?
It's not gonna get you high.

No, that's not what I'm doing.

What are you doing then? Huh?

What is this horror story
that you won't tell me?

I don't even expect you to believe me.

Well, try me.

I was a ghost...

up until a few months ago.

And then my body got reanimated

by this gifted yet lying

practitioner of death reversal,

and here I am.

Um...

I... I have a cousin who's...

he's manic-depressive.

Not nearly the same thing.

Ok. Well, what I'm trying
to say is I... I understand.

Don't...

don't take this the wrong
way, but are you on meds?

Or should you be on meds?

I'm not insane.

I wish it were that believable, Max.

Ok, um...

I'm... I'm gonna believe what you tell me.

I trust you, you know.

I mean, this is how it works, right?

Before I was a ghost, I was human...

alive.

And then I died.

And now I'm...

I'm breaking down, not mentally.

I'm decomposing.

I think I'm dying...

again.

Oh...

Ok, so... so, like, um...

So what you're saying
is that you're like...

a non-flesh-eating, super-articulate...

zombie?

Max, I'm still me.

No, no. Sally, if what
you're saying is true,

then I don't know what you are.

Oh, hey, precious!

You're a sweet thing, aren't you?

Yeah. Yeah, you are.

I know. Oh, you're starving.

Yeah.

Hey, Kat!

Hey, did Aidan come home yet?

- He's not answering his cell.
- No.

Uh, no, but I can let
him know that you called.

Ok, um...

look, this might sound intrusive,

but is he in some kind of trouble?

Trouble?

Yeah, like gambling debts
or drug-related activities.

I sound like my mom now.

Um, we were walking and these men...

I have never said this before.

Two of them looked like they
break kneecaps for a living,

and Aidan went off with them.

Did they say who they were?

The tall one was someone's father. Connor?

That could have been the son.

Kat, I gotta go.

Nora, do you know where Liam turns?

Ah!

I remember my father telling me

that there are certain
moments in life so precious

you don't wanna let them
slip away too quickly.

Surely avenging your son's
death is one of those.

Tell me!

Ah!

I don't know what
happened to your daughter.

I think you do.

But take it with you to the dust.

I'll find her on my own.

What is that?

Hmm? This?

The end.

Some whore's blood...

infected with the virus.

Don't you think you would've heard

if I had killed 2 purebreds?

It's all right.

I'll be here when the sores
crack open on your skin

and the fever burns your bones to ash.

Wait, wait. Please wait.

I'll tell you the truth.

I'll tell you what
happened to your daughter.

I killed your daughter.

And she screamed like a bitch,

just like your son!

No!

No, no, get out of here.

Aidan, stop.

Leave me. You have to leave, Josh.

No, Josh.

No, Josh. Come on!

You have to leave, man. Get out!

Josh!

He's getting up, Josh! You gotta leave.

Get your arm.

You're wasting your bullets, man!

Go! Go! Go, go, go!

Go, go, go! Oh!

Ah!

Oh!

I'm sorry that I freaked out
and I treated you like a leper.

Awful beginning!

Please do not mention me and
leprosy in the same sentence.

Ok, I apologize for my apology, ok?

We've established that I have
zero experience with women.

And you'd think my
experience with dead people

would make a difference here,
but apparently it doesn't.

You stumped me.

Look, uh...

I know this is way too high

on the freak-o-meter to cope with.

I get it.

I'm not saying that I
can't deal with is. Ok?

I probably can deal with this, most likely.

That sure, huh?

You're still you.

You're the gorgeous,
pushy girl that I fell for.

And I, conveniently, do
this for a living, so...

This is about to get
even weirder, isn't it?

Good Lord, you could make a
person with all that stuff.

You really think I need this much gear?

It's just like a, you know,
carpenter with his toolkit.

If I show up with a hammer and a nail,

I'm gonna end up needing
that one small screw

that's all the way back in my kit.

Metaphorical nails, right?

I'm not walking around
with bolts in my neck.

Let me see it.

Even if you can fix me,

I don't know what my
long-term prognosis is.

Hey, we're gonna take
this step by step, ok?

Or stitch by stitch.

Come on, have a seat.

Once again, not the couple

that's gonna run out
of things to talk about.

Is that ok?

Yeah.

I'm eating cats.

I have a Ph.D. and I'm eating cats.

I should put that on my r?sum?.

Why did you...

why did you tell Liam you killed Brynn?

I was already dead.

Liam wasn't gonna let me go.

I killed his son.

But at least I could
make it worth something...

and save Nora for you.

You knew Nora killed Brynn?

Maybe I was trying to make up for Erin too,

and those 2 girls.

There are so many people
that I need to make up for.

If I had gotten there 5
minutes earlier, 2 minutes...

Hey.

You came.

- Let's get you inside.
- Yeah.

Let's get you inside.

Oh my God! What can I do? What can I do?

- I'll call 911!
- No!

Get him out of here.

Were they in a shootout?

Max, you gotta go. You have to leave.

You're kidding me.

Please. I'll try to explain tomorrow.

No more secrets!

You're not just gonna kiss
me and shove me out the door.

- What's going on with you three?
- I can't... I can't...

If it were my secret to tell you, I would.

I would.

I'm sorry.

- No, no.
- I...

You need stitches.

I'm not leaving the house. Sew me up here.

Why do you guys look
like you've been bombed?

I got scratched.

What?

On the next full moon, I'm gonna be a wolf.

Ok.

Ok, well, we'll deal with it.

We have before.

It moves that fast?

What is that?

It's the virus.

You can stop it, right?

Nothing can stop it.

We'll find a way...

for all of us.

Not possible.

Not if you were the last
meal on a dying planet.

Oh...

lovely.