Being Human (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 12 - Always a Bridesmaid, Never Alive - full transcript

Previously on Being Human...

I don't care if it's a bad idea.

I want you to turn me
into what you are.

Why did you do this to me?

Kenny...

What if we got married now
so Sally could be there?

I'm here long enough to grab my brother

and take him out for a bachelor party.

(Screams)

Aidan called you a werewolf!

Emily!



- Does Nora know?
- She's one too.

When you die, your soul is mine.

(Yells)

Now what are we going to do with you?

How do I have any chance against her.

You are incredibly powerful!

What do I do when I see Donna?

How's your Latin?

I banish you from...

I'm so screwed!

(Liquid bubbling)

Please, let me go!

Please, let me live!

This body was never yours, not really.



(Whimpering)

I came through on my end of our bargain.

It's your turn, Sally.

No!

NO!

"Veneficus absum, levare velum."

(Exhales sharply)

(Woman): * You were the coal *

* She was the fire *

♪ That warmed your skin ♪

* And all within *

* Memories to hold *

♪ Her trembling fingers ♪

♪ Held all they'd know... ♪

Hey there.

Hello.

What do you say we get married today?

What kind of couple gets married

on a random Thursday afternoon?

The same kind that spends

the night before their wedding

in a queen bed with mismatched sheets

instead of separate
suites at the Four Seasons.

You're sure you're still ok with this?

The complete lack of fanfare?

We've got the essentials:

a case of champagne

and our best friends in the world.

Hmm...

Josh...

(Sighs)

Without Emily here,
there... there's no one.

There's no ties to who I used to be.

- You kept your distance for years.
- I know.

Emily found her way back to you.

It takes a minute.

You know...

(Sighs)

to accept the existence

of literal monsters.

Took me a minute.

Now I'm marrying your ass.

* Love burns *

She'll find her way back.

* Through the night *

* Burns *

We're getting married today.

(Chuckles)

- What's wrong with you?
- Ha ha ha!

You're a crazy person!

- You're crazy!
- Ah!

* Through the night *

* Burn, yeah *

(* Vocalizing *)

(Exhales sharply)

(Birds chirping, horn honking)

Oh...

(Sighs)

It wasn't me!

Thank you.

Why is it that I'm less surprised

about your mastery of
Jewish wedding tradition

than I am about someone else
cooking food in my kitchen?

It's a tiny wedding, Josh.

You're looking at the
officiate, but also the caterer.

Get the hell away from me!

How did the whole ordainment
situation come about?

I mean, if you attended some
Restoration divinity school

in the 19th century,

I'm gonna feel super fancy.

The Universal Life Church.

Over 20 million ordained
on ye olde interweb.

(Laughs) (Doorbell rings)

I like it good and crispy, Reverend!

Is it too early to get drunk
and pretty? Or pretty drunk?

You're here, right now!

When my friend says she's
getting married in 24 hours,

I tend to show up!

Of course, yes! Come put your stuff down.

Are you hungry? Aidan made breakfast.

Did you tell him you invited me?

Well, we're not exactly in
seating chart territory here.

Ok, I was gonna wait to tell you this

when we were in the makeup
application part of the day.

(Clears throat)

Aidan and I were together the
other night for our first time.

That's so great!

It was great, until...

I woke up and he was gone!

Yeah, I thought those
mornings were behind me,

when dates stopped consisting of
a six-pack and a few bong hits.

You should give him a chance to explain.

Really?

Aidan's a good guy. Or,
you know, he tries to be.

You could do a lot worse.

(Aidan and Josh talking, indistinct)

Kat's here, for the wedding!

Josh ruined the bacon, not me. Hi!

It's nice to see you again.

Why don't I take your stuff upstairs

and... you just come up
whenever you're ready?

Caterer.

Sally?

Do you wanna come down...

Sally?

(Panting)

(Exhales sharply)

I don't think I have much longer.

(Sobs)

Nora, I don't think I can do this!

Oh my God! Sally, you're...

Rotting from the inside out? Pretty much.

Oh my God!

Well, the good news is,

I no longer have the urge to eat your face.

Sally, you should have told
me how bad it had gotten,

told someone!

Nora, it's your wedding day,

and it should be about roses and
peonies and dye-to-match shoes,

not about rotting flesh
or blood-magic sacrifices.

Uh, have you met us?

It wouldn't be a union of werewolves

without a little blood-magic

sacrifice drama.

(Laughs)

I'd never wear
dye-to-match shoes!

Oh, thank God!

The whole reason that we
wanted to get married today

was so you could be here.

(Swallows, chuckles)

Ok, I'm sorry. I...

No, me first.

I came here today to watch
my friends get married,

not to play some moronic game

where I tart myself up in some tight dress

and give you the silent treatment and...

just to prove my status
as a girl who can hang.

(Exhales sharply)

But I'm... I'm not gonna pretend

that what happened between
us didn't mean anything.

(Sighs)

So just... tell me why.

Tell me how you feel, right now.

Just... get it over with.

Ok.

Things got really real
between us, really fast.

And I completely freaked out.

It's been a long time since I have

been with someone like you.

Yeah, alarmingly direct...

And grounded, and smart...

and special.

Will you be my date to
my best friend's wedding?

(Chuckles)

As long as you acknowledge

that this further
accelerates our relationship

at an abnormally rapid pace.

- It's a deal.
- Ok.

(Nora): Aidan?

Could you come with me in
the kitchen for a second?

Sure thing.

What are we gonna do?

The wedding's in 4 hours,
we have a house full of...

guest.

(Sighs)

We be there for Sally.

We say our goodbyes

and hope that they're not our last.

(Sighs)

Kat, what about Kat?

Yeah! Nora, you're gonna
have to get rid of her.

Look, an incubating vampire is one thing.

I know how much time Kenny
needs before he's gonna wake up.

But, I mean, my very human
girlfriend sharing the house

with a reanimated corpse that's near death?

I don't know, maybe
that's pushing our luck!

I'm sorry, did you just
say your girlfriend?

I caught that too.

I don't know. Maybe she's my girlfriend!

Oh, come on! Why would you do this now?

I'm not doing anything. I smiled at you.

Ok, I'll take care of it.

Listen, you've already died
once and survived it, right?

I can't believe that sentence
just came out of my mouth.

It's not even my body I care about,

especially now, in its
current, nasty condition.

The deal that I made with
Donna was for my soul.

Right! That's why you have to fight!

How? How am I gonna...

Ilana gave me this...

incantation.

But the only Latin I understand is

from freaking Dead Poets Society!

And when Nick and Stevie
went through that door,

who knows what happened to them?

It could all be over by
the time I say: "Veneficus."

You won't kill the
witch with that attitude!

Let me see that.

What I'm saying is,

maybe I just don't go through the door.

I don't think that you have a choice.

Sally, you made a deal with
a practitioner of black magic.

People have fallen prey to
blood offerings for centuries

because it's not something you
can just trick your way out of!

Donna will have made sure of it

that you are going through
that door no matter what,

whether you want to or not.

So your only choice is to end her.

I... Josh, you've seen Donna.

You watched her bring a
dead body back to life!

That's an unnatural power!

- Then I'm going with you.
- You can't.

Oh, please don't argue with me!

You can't because that door is for spirits:

Nick, Stevie, me in a few hours.

No, it's not. I mean, Donna's
door isn't for ghosts moving on.

It's just another spell.

It doesn't appear when you've
resolved your issues on Earth.

It appears when the witch
wants an audience with you!

So it's a portal to wherever she is!

Like a delivery system.

Like the T, only with less staphylococcus.

Wherever that door leads,
I might not come back.

And I can't ask you

to make that kind of sacrifice.

Hey, 2 against one is always better odds.

(Exhales sharply)

(Sighs)

Aidan's going with her.

When the time comes...

He's so confident,

but he has no idea what's on
the other side of that door.

No one does.

No matter how many witches he's come across

in the past 200-plus years,

he didn't see Donna rub
pulsed heart onto bone

and make a real girl.

Only you and I had that distinct pleasure.

What we did, Josh,

it's what anyone,

any friend in our situation would've done.

If we'd known, then we'd be

here.

Should we have left her in the ground?

You need to go with them...

don't you?

No. This is our wedding.

This was supposed to be our wedding day.

When I told you I would
always choose you, I meant it.

I know that.

But the reason that I chose you

is because you're the kind of guy

who can only think of
helping his friend right now.

And it's why I'm gonna
marry you when you come home.

(Sighs)

If I come home.

(Coughing)

Is it time?

(Coughs)

No, it's not time!

This isn't a World War II romance

and I do not have consumption.

If you ask me that again, I'm
gonna flash some tattered flesh.

- Oh!
- Ah, come on!

- You like that?
- No, I don't like it!

Ok.

So for the last couple of weeks,

since we all realized that...

that your body was...

on its way out...

That's very delicate.

I've been doing some shopping.

A lot of shopping.

If Sally's gonna be haunting us again,

I want her to look damn good doing it!

YES!

(Aidan): Seriously?

He means: "Yay, dresses!"

All right, out, both of you!

(Man): * Bury me with my guitar *

♪ Bury me with my records ♪

* Where I am going *

* I'm gonna need something to do *

♪ Bury me with my guitar ♪

* Bury me with my best T-shirt *

♪ Bury me with my Chucks ♪

* Where I am going *

* I'm gonna need something to wear *

* Bury me with my black T-shirt *

♪ Nothing ever changes ♪

* I'll be happier than hell in Hell *

(Both giggling)

* Waiting for my friends and family *

Oh!

(Panting)

Sit down.

Are you ok?

It's time.

I have something for you.

For your wedding.

So you'll give it to me when you come back.

Top drawer.

It's a thaali, my grandmother's.

Indian women wear it to
symbolize the bond of marriage.

He would've put it on me at our wedding...

Danny.

Or Max.

It's your "something borrowed".

Thank you.

Somebody say something, please!

Come on, guys.

I never got a deathbed
vigil my first time around.

Make an impassioned speech!

(Chuckles)

Hold my skeletal meat hook of a hand.

I'm so sorry.

I never even gave you a choice.

Josh, this is what I would've chosen.

I got to be me again!

(Chuckles)

I got an electric blue
manicure just because I could!

(Chuckles)

I tried black and white cookies again.

And Harpoon IPA. Pretty good!

(Sniffles)

And I got to feel the sun on my face.

I can touch things!

Josh, I'm holding your hand.

(Sniffles)

So it was worth it.

But this is not your deathbed.

Uh... I'm dying,

and I'm in my bed, so...

You're not dying, not really.

- Hmm...
- No, not really, no.

Like, I'm definitely dying.

- You're losing this body.
- Well, it's my body.

And you are becoming

the same Sally that we fell
in love with all over again.

(Chuckles)

What does it feel like when
your heart stops beating?

It's scary at first.

Because you're losing control
of something that once felt...

so fundamental.

But then it gets quiet...

and peaceful.

(Sally breathing shakily)

And you just give into it.
It's like falling asleep.

And you know...

that everything's gonna be ok.

I do feel sleepy.

Close your eyes.

We'll see you in a few minutes.

I really did have a blast with you guys.

You know that?

(Sniffling, breathing heavily)

(Sighing loudly)

(Exhales sharply)

(Sighs)

Did it work? Is she here?

Yeah, Josh. She's right here.

I really think we made the
right choice with the dress.

How do you feel?

Weirdly, like... I'm me again.

(Aidan and Nora laughing)

Seems like a fairly important conversation

that I'm completely unable to follow.

We need to go through
Donna's door with something.

We need to arm ourselves.

Um, I'm feeling like
any semblance of a grip

might have gone the way of my corpse.

Traditional weapons ain't
gonna do it, sweetheart.

We... You might wanna look away.

- Uh, I'm just gonna remind you:

until very recently, I had a
part-time job as an undertaker.

I don't think there's any...

(All screaming)

Did you just gouge a hole in my corpse?

The only chance we have

is if we can reverse the bewitchment.

We're nurses, ok?

We're not too well-versed
on, like, eye of newt!

Can't we just bring a
weapon, like a normal weapon?

- Look, the heart of the bewitched!
- (Nora): God!

Sally's heart is our weapon!

Dorothy only needed a
bucket of water. What are...

Trust me. Now you know
that incantation cold, yeah?

Carpe diem!

Then we'll lead with that.

Ilana's no match for Donna,
but it'll have to weaken her.

When you see it's working,
that's when you come in.

Ok, but I steadfastly refuse

to dive my hand into Sally's chest cavity.

I'm going to need a distraction.

What, like: "Hey, witch, over here"?

- That works.
- Sounds good?

- What'll you do with the heart?
- Blood, hair, nails.

Witches use them because it contains

the essence of a person,

but they can break spells as well.

Part of Sally is a thing we
have that Donna never will.

I'm hearing you, but...

why then didn't you just
use blood, hair or nails?

A heart is more powerful!

You should've led with that!

I mean, how much time do we have?

It's here.

It's here.

Keep the champagne on ice, ok?

If I go through this door,

I'm dead, dead, like soul dead, for good!

Hey, define "dead".

(Wind blowing)

Hey, we gotta go.

I love you.

(Gasps)

Please come back to me!

Please!

(Birds chirping)

(Leaves rustling)

(Boy): Papa!

Isaac!

Isaac?

(Birds cawing)

(Sighs)

Isaac!

(Chuckles)

(Snarling and barking)

(Panting and screaming)

(Growling)

(Screams)

(Whimpers)

Did you see something...
when we came through?

No.

Guys, anyone else remember
this place had gone tumbleweeds

last time we tried to pay Donna a visit?

Eh, witches...

I can also see you!

So I guess that in this dimension,

the soup kitchen is less goodwill

through instant mashed potatoes,

and more... Thunderdome.

(Ray): You shouldn't have come here, Josh.

Yeah, I'm beginning to sense that.

You guys go. Let me take care of this.

- Josh, no.
- No, I mean it!

If this is what karma's dishing out for me,

then I owe it to myself to take it.

He's right. I got no
beef with either of you.

Josh is the one who put me in the ground.

He belongs to Donna now, Josh.

You could have no idea
what you're up against.

Come on.

I came here to help Sally, you guys.

Go find Donna.

Go!

I figured you'd bring the other one,

hence the dog at the door.

But a vampire too?

You might wanna take a closer
look at that unsavoury circle.

Well, clearly, she'd be better off

palling around with a necromancer.

I wasn't talking to you.

I think I have the right to know now,

what you have planned for me, for my soul.

No, actually, you don't!

You know, I thought I
might have some use for you.

But this: your entourage,

the yapping, the demands, it's exhausting!

So we are through.

Now!

Veneficus absum, levare velum.

Revelare verum faciem pro totus vidi visum.

(Chuckles)

Somebody memorized something!

(Laughs wickedly)

We don't have to do this, Ray.

The witch, I know she
has some hold over you.

But there's been enough
violence between us already.

I remember... The woods...

the fight,

shots.

You beat me to death.

What happened that night...

that's not the man I wanna be.

And I... I know I have
no right saying this...

but I killed you because
I had no other choice!

(Chuckles)

That's quite a mouthful,
isn't it, saying it out loud?

Admitting that you are a killer?

It's with me every day.

I sent Val money,

whatever I could, for your son!

I didn't want you to
end up here, like this.

I'm sorry.

You don't stand a chance.

(Both yelling)

Veneficus absum, levare velum!

Revelare verum faciem pro totus vidi visum!

Good, keep going!

Veneficus absum, levare velum!

Revelare verum faciem pro totus vidi visum!

(Both yelling)

(Panting)

(Yelling)

Revelare verum faciem pro totus vidi visum!

Yeah!

(Screams)

Is that all she taught you?

Because this is getting old.

(Gasps)

You were right, brother.

The witch does have
some kind of hold on me.

Oh!

(Snarling)

Ilana showed some promise.

She was different...
and a real jealous bitch!

Why else would she have sent you here

with a true face incantation?

"True face"...

"Verum faciem"? You didn't
even know what you were saying!

I went to college.

I'm betting that was a few years

before the advent of beer pong, huh?

- 17th century.
- Oh...

I probably got a couple of years on you.

- Salem, hmm?
- Andover.

But Salem got all the press.

This is about me.

My friends bargained for my life,

so why don't you just
let Stevie and Nick go?

(Scoffs and laughs)

She won't do it.

And she can't. She exists
on the energy of souls.

Without them, she would've
been dead hundreds of years ago.

What she wants from you,
she wants to eat you, Sally!

But you know what?

Ha! That ain't gonna happen.

(Grunts)

Oh!

Aidan!

(Snarling)

So this is how it ends?

Do you have any idea how it felt...

to despise the man who made you?

Our bond filled me with shame.

I'm sure your son would understand.

Maybe I'll... put him out of his misery

after I end his father!

(Yells)

(Panting)

What is it exactly that
you have against my friends?

Did you have a hard time fitting in

at Colonial Times Junior High?

Nick and Stevie are on
you. You had to renegotiate!

And your fates were always connected.

Oh, here we go again with the renegotiation

of my binding contract!

Your deals are bogus, Donna.

They're all on your terms,
your secret, magical terms.

And there's always a catch.

There's always a balance!

(Snaps fingers)

The three of you could've lived

long, happy lives.

But no one can resist seeking out

the people from their past.

It's human nature.

And when their souls are delivered to me,

everybody's happy.

And the terms changed.

You just had to save your brother.

How did it feel the first
time you looked in the mirror

and saw rotting flesh?

Never mind.

(Sighs)

It's been days since I took your friends.

And as you can see, I am starving.

I have come too far
for you to just take me.

We're stronger than that.

You know, you're the first
one who ever fought back.

I hope that's a comfort to you.

I'm guessing she's also the
first who brought friends.

(Sighs)

The blood of the bewitched burns.

The pain of the flames seeks
the source of the magic.

I came through on my end of our bargain.

It's your turn, Sally.

- Ah!
- No!

Stop! Sally, no!

(Whimpering)

I love you.

I love you.

(Both yelling)

(Inhales sharply)

You should be proud of her.

Most of the souls I take

have already lost their will to exist.

No one is strong enough to walk
the Earth like that forever,

isolated, alone.

She was never alone.

No, maybe not.

But still, some things...

are inevitable.

(Rumbling)

(Moaning)

Aaah!

(Panting)

What the hell was that?

What just happened?

(Panting)

We won!

Is she here?

Yeah.

(Birds chirping)

Well, there is...

there is one little piece
of shiny silver lining

to all this supernatural carnage.

Other than our continued survival?

This ghost is dressed for success!

(Laughs)

- Talking about clothes
again? - Hmm-hmm.

You should've seen how long it took us

to pick out the bridesmaid's dress.

(Laughing)

I'm sorry. This was supposed to be our day.

The mood's a little off
though now, don't you think?

What with all the burning and... beheading?

So we'll wait.

All right?

Full moon's coming up.

That way, I'll be able to see
this one at the ceremony, so...

This one at the ceremony.

There will be a wedding.

I'm gonna marry you.

(Chuckles)

I promise, ok? You're
not getting out of it.

Is that really what you're all wearing?

Em...

What are you... What are you doing here?

I thought about it a lot.

And I am hurt and I am scared, Josh.

I mean, so far, this new world of yours,

I... I dunno if I'm ok with it.

But I do know that I owe you a chance

to help me understand
who you are, the real you.

And besides, your friends and...

girlfriend, fiancée,

I like you all a hell of a lot better

than most of the humans in my life.

Hmm... You're all I got.

So...

we'll figure it out.

- You're getting married!
- Yeah.

Yeah, not today, though.

No, we're... we're postponing the wedding.

This day just kind of got
away from us a little bit.

- What?
- Yeah, well...

I spent 45 minutes on the
T preparing that speech.

I am wearing a dress.

Yes, I can see that, it's...

- (Clears throat)
- There will be a wedding!

Everybody inside now!

(Exhaling sharply)

(Breathing deeply)

Are you nervous?

I... I killed a zombie
werewolf in a magical dimension

a few hours ago.

- Oh?
- So, yeah...

So, um,

pledging fidelity to the love of my life

seems kind of tame by comparison.

Proud of you.

(Laughs)

No, no, I am.

When we first met,

I wasn't sure we'd get here.

To be fair, the ladies weren't
exactly swarming me back then.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't let them.

Yeah, I sometimes wonder where

if I hadn't let Nora in... where she'd be.

Maybe she'd be married to some doctor.

They'd spend full moons stargazing

on the roof of their
brownstone in Beacon Hill.

And she might have never known

what it feels like to be loved

by a man who would literally
give his life for her happiness.

This is what it's all about...

our experiment.

I mean, what's more human

than a guy standing up for his best friend

on the day of his wedding?

(Man): * Oh, goodbye, my lady in blue *

(Kat): I think we did all
right on 24 hours notice.

(Girls laughing)

Ok, now I'm nervous.

(Kat): He's gonna die! Well, not actually.

- (Nora): Got it.
- (Kat): When he sees you...

* So I'll think of you, lady in white *

Here, take these. Ok, go get him!

* For blue is the colour of tears *

(Girls giggling)

* An ocean of you wrapped in years *

* I know you'll get through tonight *

* If I think of you, lady in white *

All right, let's get 'er done!

Shouldn't you have like
a book or something?

Well, since this is going to be

what I will call a
non-traditional wedding...

(All chuckling)

um, I just wanna say...

well done, both of you.

You found each other.

(Sally): Please tell me
you wrote your own vows!

There's nothing more romantic!

- So we wrote our own vows.
- Yes!

We did? Were we supposed to?

I... I did write my own vows.

♪ I know I love you tonight ♪

Uh, Nora...

I was the kind of guy who thought

that life was just a series of choices.

And if you kept making the right choice

over and over and over again,

that it will all add
up to something safe...

and constant...

a reasonable facsimile

of what you thought you wanted,

for yourself, for your future.

But things get derailed.

Stuff happens and you
don't always get a choice.

And, uh,

for a long time, I thought
that was really unfair.

Because I had big, big important plans.

(Chuckles)

(Exhales sharply)

But I never would've met you.

So I'm thankful

that I was a complete blockhead.

Because, as it turns out,

life is just a series of accidents.

And one of those accidents led me here...

to you.

'Cause you are just so, so awesome.

(Laughs)

So thank you...

(Clears throat)

for choosing me.

Thanks you for choosing me!

(Laughs)

I kissed him too soon!

(All laughing)

- I didn't write any vows!
- That's all right.

Oh God, I love you!

That'll do!

* If we sing for our ladies in white *

(Choir): * If we sing
for our ladies in white *

(Man): * Could we sing
for our ladies in white? *

Ah!

(Chuckles)

One for the road!

Monsters! They never consider fire safety!

(Giggles)

(Door opening)

(Kat): I'm starving.

(Aidan): I'll make you something.

Since when do you cook?

Wha... of course I cook!

(Giggles)

- Ramen and tuna, PB and J.
- (Kat): Yum!

Whatever you want.

(Insects and birds chirping)

(* Woman singing, lyrics indistinct *)

(Josh moaning)

Fire's low.

- I'll get the firewood.
- No, no.

You stay. I'll go.

I'm not settling into
traditional gender roles

on day one of my marriage.

* "What do you have to lose?" you say *

♪ Everything, everything ♪

(Liam): Hello, Nora.

My best wishes to the bride.