Being Human (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 11 - If I Only Had Raw Brain - full transcript

Previously on Being Human...

- I may be a flesh eater.
- Like a zombie?

Stay away from Sally.

She doesn't think she will, but she'll kill you.

Stevie, wait!

- Ghost doors can't be the same.
- Something is very wrong.

Everyone's door is their door.

We have to figure out what's
on the other side of it.

But you're all in trouble with me around.

My ex is here.

- I'm Aidan Waite.
- Oh, right! Sorry.



Nice to meet you. Jeff Weston.

This is Pete.

Oh! Hi there!

Oh my God!

Josh... Josh, go!

Give me their names.

I wasn't exactly paying attention to names, ok?

I was trying to save Pete.

They killed Pete. That
shouldn't have happened.

Yeah, because you never should have told them

that drinking wolf blood inoculates them.

The truth was gonna get
out. I got ahead of it.

I put the word out that you
and Nora were off-limits.

I should have remembered
Pete. He didn't deserve that.



No.

I told Blake it only takes a sip.

Yeah, that's a real shocker

that she and her buddies
didn't use a little restraint.

Listen, I understand

that you were trying to protect Nora and me.

I just... I can't believe
that you would side with them

over someone like Pete.

- I didn't pick sides!
- Yes, you did!

And the scariest thing is
you don't even realize it.

I'll see you later.

Morning, Kenny.

Something wrong?

They found a match for
my bone-marrow transplant.

That's great! When can they do it?

They could schedule it for never.

I'm not gonna be there. I'm leaving.

What are you... ok, slow down.

With your immune system,

there's a hundred people
between here and Admitting

who'd kill you just by breathing
in your general direction.

Then turn me.

I knew it. You're backing out again.

No!

You were never gonna do it.

The deal was when you turned 18,

if nothing better came along.

This is better.

Do the procedure.

If it doesn't work, then I'll turn you.

I'm not spending months
getting pumped full of chemo,

puking, losing my hair,

crossing my fingers that
my lungs don't shut down

before I even get the transplant.

And for what? A 25% success rate?

Kenny, you've been waiting
for years for this donor.

And if you say no, then by tomorrow morning,

they'll move to the next name on the list

and your one shot is gone.

Do this and you can have a life, a real life.

For how long? A couple of years maybe?

That's if my body doesn't reject the transplant.

I go through all of this

and the thing that ends up killing me is me.

So, all great options.

If you leave, you're never
gonna see your parents again.

Think about what that would do to them.

Give them their lives back.

Oh, come on, think about it.

They have felt so guilty that I'm in here,

they have completely forgotten about themselves.

They've spent their life savings and then some

on surgeries like this.

They deserve a life too,

and one that they don't spend in a sickroom.

You'll be dead in 2 days out there.

Not if I'm what you are.

- I'm not gonna let you leave.
- OK then.

I'm not gonna let you leave!

It's fine.

I can wait, you know, until your shift's over

and I'll sneak out.

I'll call Blake.

You know, maybe join some
vampire meet-up or something.

Ok, regardless of your help or not...

I'm leaving today, ok?

So... what's it gonna be?

Ok, great.

We don't have a lot of time. Come on.

♪ Take it off ♪
♪ Take it in ♪

♪ Take off all the thoughts ♪
♪ of what we've been ♪

♪ Take a look, hesitate ♪

♪ Take a picture you ♪
♪ could never recreate ♪

♪ Write a song ♪
♪ Make a note... ♪

♪ For the lump that ♪
♪ sits inside your throat ♪

♪ Change the locks ♪
♪ Change the scene... ♪

It's so disgusting. I love it!

Are you seeing this?

This grass, it is so... it's so green!

Ok, all right.

Maybe take it down a notch

before you're arrested for shrooming in public.

- Oh yeah, sorry.
- Come on.

Thank you. Sorry.

You think this is intense,

wait till after you're turned.

Well, um,

I know that I pressured you
to turn me into what you are,

but can I have one day as a teenager, please?

You're about to spend an eternity as a teenager.

Well, yeah, but not as, like, a human one.

I've never gotten to do that.

I wanna drink and eat and do drugs.

Ok, slow down, Scarface.

I just wanna do all the
stuff that won't affect me

when I'm a, you know...

lord of the night.

One day. And don't ever call us that.

Sorry.

When we get to my place...

♪ Your Trojan's in my head ♪

♪ Take it off ♪
♪ Take it in ♪

♪ Take off all the thoughts ♪
♪ of what we've been ♪

Whatever Donna has planned
for my soul when I die,

that's bad enough.

But if I hurt you guys?
I can't deal with that.

I'm not padlocking you into your own room.

Josh, you have to!

I'm not going to do that!

You have to, Josh.

I'm starving and may not
be able to control myself.

You guys need to walk down the aisle intact.

I wanted to be at your wedding, you know.

I know this sounds cheesy,

but you guys are seriously
the hope for the future.

I wanted to make a toast.

I wanted to cry

and I wanted to get drunk and dance

and say inappropriate things.

I love you guys.

So, please just...

please lock me up.

And use 2 locks.

I may have zombie strength and not know it.

We're not giving up on you.
And we are gonna find you food.

You are food.

Ok...

Let's get moving. The meet and greet's...

Hey, guys. You remember Kenny, right?

Sure, yeah, from the hospital.

Where he's usually sealed in a protective room

that prevents him from dying.

From what I understand. Hi, Kenny.

You haven't told them yet?

No, he hasn't told us.

Why don't you throw your stuff

downstairs in the basement in my room.

Wait, you don't want me to
call you a lord of the night,

but you live in the basement?

Ha ha, very funny. Come on.

I'm just saying.

So there's that.

I know this is a surprise, but
Kenny moved up the timeline.

Ok...

He gave me clean blood,

so I made a deal to, uh, save him.

- You mean to turn him?
- Yeah.

Aidan, how is cursing him to a life

that you claim to hate saving him exactly?

I will keep him in check.

So he's gonna bunk with you now, downstairs,

like, for eternity?

He's going to stay down there

until he is used to his new life.

Between Stevie and Erin,

we don't exactly have the best track record

with wayward teens, Aidan.

This will be different.

It has to be different.

I understand you're upset with me about Pete.

Please do not punish Kenny for that.

You're right.

We have so many reasons to hate what we are.

But if we can use our curse to help someone,

then I say we do it.

Did I pretend to put my stuff away long enough?

We're good.

Come on, let's go.

I know that you think that
I went too easy on Aidan,

but Kenny's dying.

If that was your friend,

you would do whatever you could to save them.

You're right.

Sally!

I appreciate you guys trying to protect me,

but going after Donna is a bad idea.

What other choice do we have?

Donna only gets your soul
if she's alive to collect it.

Wow, you went dark fast.

Well, it's either you or Donna.

When you go through that door,
you're stepping into her world.

So we have to take her out in our world,

where we have a chance and we can help you.

We tried that, remember?

She Vader-choked me and then
I started craving puppies.

I'd rather not piss her off again,

considering now she has my soul.

That time, we wandered in
there like doe-eyed children.

This time, we don't give her a chance.

OK, guns and witches. What could go wrong?

Do you even have a plan?

Yeah, I'm gonna kill her.

You sure this is the right address?

I'm telling you,

the soup kitchen was right here.

A building can't just disappear.

Tell that to Donna.

I'm so screwed.

This is my fault. I got
Sally into this mess.

She doesn't blame you.

Hey, she got to live,

got her body back, got a
little undertaker action.

Became a cannibal.

Let's try not to focus on the negative.

There's gotta be something.

Gotta be something we can do to help.

This won't save anyone,

but it might help take
her mind off what's coming.

What if we got married now?

So that Sally could be there.

She's only got, like, a day or two.

So we do it fast.

You don't really talk to your parents anyway.

And the only thing my
family would do is ruin it.

So just the family we have here.

Before we lose it.

Sally?

Sally?

Sally!

We've gotta find her before she finds lunch.

Hey.

I wasn't sure I was gonna see you again.

I wasn't sure if I should come here, but, um...

I'm running out of options.

And, um...

I feel like I can tell you everything.

Except for why your roommates
came home looking like

they were stunt doubles from a Bourne movie.

I should've told you about that.

I will tell you about that.

But right now, it's just...

my body's, like, running out of time.

I'll get my kit.

I'm actually past the putty phase.

- What's wrong?
- Um...

the hunger that I was telling you about...

so when my body started breaking down, uh...

it's just 'cause...

so regular food stopped working.

What's working now?

Uh, it's more of, like, a raw-food diet.

Oh God, you're not talking
about veggies, are you?

- Ok, don't freak out.
- I'm not making any promises.

Human flesh.

Not yours. I... I... not yours!

I'm here because I don't wanna hurt anybody.

Are you kidding?

I would never eat an actual living...

but, ok, if I don't... if I don't...

if I don't, then I at least need to...

Ok, I can't believe I'm saying this.

And I... I don't expect you to...

I know this is a lot for you to handle, but...

so, this morning,

I saw this obit for Mrs. Hanover.

Sally...

She didn't have any kids.

She didn't want a memorial service.

She wanted to be cremated.

You can't eat Ms. Hanover!

- I know how awful it sounds.
- I don't think you do.

I do! I really do, trust me.

You think I wanna be standing here

in front of the guy I love

asking to eat the dead body in the freezer?

I have wanted to tell you

that I have loved you for so long,

and I've waited because
I thought it was too soon.

Now I told you too late.

The witch that I told you about,

the one who did this to me,

when I die, she gets my soul.

And when I made that deal,
I thought I was ok with it.

But now, I'm scared.

Where does it stop?

What if this doesn't work?
What if you come for me?

I would never hurt you.

The reason that I helped
you in the first place...

it's the same reason that I can't help you now.

Watching over the dead is my responsibility.

If you knew me at all,

you'd know better than to ask that.

Hey. Any word from Sally?

Yeah, she's, uh, safe and sound.

Cool. Um, so you're looking at magazines?

Uh...

We're planning our honeymoon.

- Did you set a date already?
- Thursday.

We wanted to make sure that
Sally was still... in town.

So how was your first day out?

Awesome. Red Sox game,

lobster rolls, which were pretty good.

Oh, Aidan also snuck me a beer,

which was actually kind of gross.

I'm killing my human bucket list.

Come on, Kenny.

Hey!

Oh my God! Hi, hi, hi!

What are you doing here?

Ask your fiancée.

I will ask my fiancée.

I know we said no family,

but I knew that you'd want
Emily there at the wedding,

which is on Thursday.

- It's on Thursday!
- Don't worry.

I'm only here long enough to grab my brother

and take him out for a proper bachelor party.

Yes! That's a great idea!

Oh! It is?

- Yes!
- Ah!

You guys have to go out now. Be gone!

Everybody grab your Washingtons.

Let's check out some
boobage. Who's with me?

Yes, I am with you on that one.

Excellent! Who are you?

I'm Kenny, uh, Aidan's...

Cousin-in-law. From Providence.

Yes. And going to a strip club
is number one on my bucket list.

All right.

Well, not sure why a teenager has a bucket list,

but if we're sneaking Peach Fuzz in,

we've gotta find a place
that doesn't serve booze.

- What's the point then really?
- No point.

Are you in?

- Sure!
- Yes!

Go and have fun.

- You're enjoying this too much.
- I am enjoying this.

She's got beautiful hair for a septuagenarian.

See, none of my other assistants

ever notice that kind of thing.

Prepping her for the viewing should be a breeze.

Hey, thanks for letting me come back.

I should have just told you everything before.

I was just scared.

It's ok. I'm just glad you're back.

And no more secrets, right?

- Right.
- Ok.

Oh...

Oh!

♪ Come on now ♪

♪ One, two, three, four... ♪

Yes, it's time

to put your hands together, gentlemen,

because stepping up onto the stage right now

is sexy Sadie.

♪ I like the way you get down, baby... ♪

I think I'm in love.

Whoa! What are you doing?

- What?
- You can't touch.

Oh, sorry. I, um...

I've just never gotten this close before.

To a stripper?

To a girl.

By the way, you're wasting your time with Sadie.

Why?

Uh...

she's playing for my team, not yours.

No way!

Yeah, half the strippers here are gay.

Wow!

In a few days, even they'll want me.

- Ok.
- No, I'm serious.

I could have any girl here.

Hey, Kenny! All right, pal.

She'll still be there for you.

Come here. One sec.

Can you get me and Josh some more orange juice?

Also, the first rule of vampires,

do not talk about vampires, ok?

- Ok.
- Good! Go.

♪ One, two, three, four... ♪

Oh, that was a close one.

Turning this kid doesn't worry you at all?

You squint and he even looks like Henry.

Kenny and Henry are totally different.

I don't think they are.

You took pity on someone who
was weak and who helped you.

What's the difference?

What's... let's forget about them.

I am 180 degrees off who
I was when I made Henry.

- No, you're not.
- I'm not?

Please tell me, who was I?

No, you used to be, when you disowned vampires,

when you looked out for people like Pete.

I'm sorry about Pete.

I am. But this Kenny
thing, it's not a trend.

It's me paying someone
back for saving my life, ok?

That's all. That's all it is.

- You two need to stop talking.
- What do you mean?

Only creepy dudes come to strip clubs

and look as serious as you do.

Ok? Don't be those dudes.

Creepy? It's weird that you'd say that.

Whatever. Sadie!

Lap dance for my bro-ham!

What are you doing?

Saving you from yourself. Hmm?

Go.

Go.

You know, it's true what they say.

The bachelor party isn't for the groom.

It's for the groom's gay sister.

- You're welcome.
- Yeah, thanks. Yeah.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ I like the way you get down, baby ♪

♪ I like the way you get down, baby ♪

♪ I like the way you get down, baby ♪

♪ I like the way you get down ♪

Sally?

Why'd you slide a penis straw through the door?

Because it's not a bachelorette party

without penis straws,

or my maid of honour.

You want me to be your maid of honour?

Only if you fulfill your maidly duties

and help me polish off these wine coolers.

Wine coolers?

All of my wedding fantasies
date back to the 9th grade.

I'm feeling nostalgic.

Can I open the door?

Ok.

I really wanna come out there,
but I also really wanna eat you.

I understand.

Hey!

For short notice,

I think I found a pretty great wedding dress.

Do you wanna see it?

I do!

But only from a safe distance.

I think I have a pretty great view of the street

from my window.

Maybe I'll take a picture.

Ok.

I'm having a hard time deciding

which way to go with my hair though.

When in doubt, side pony.

See? This is why I need
you. Now, how about flowers?

You can relax.

Mmhmm.

Uh, yeah, full disclosure,

I'm, uh, getting married tomorrow.

Oh...

You and half the guys in here.

I'll keep it R-rated... mostly.

I get the vibe you don't wanna be here.

You do?

It's all right.

So how long...

how long have you, uh, worked here?

Um, a few months.

Mmhmm.

Um...

gotta straighten out some personal stuff.

Yeah, I'm kind of in a rut.

I'm sure you'll dig your way out of it.

You know what?

I think I just did.

Hey, lady, not this one. Hey!

Screw you! My werewolf, my cure.

No! Ah!

Dammit! Are you ok?

Yeah. Are you all of a
sudden carrying stakes? Why?

Why do you think? You're
starting to smell wolfy.

- What?
- You smell like a werewolf!

Em... Emily!

Em! Wait! Wait a second!

Wait, wait, wait!

What the hell was that?

That stripper wasn't just a stripper.

Your roommate just stabbed her in the back!

He saved my life, ok?

And then she just disappeared!

She turned to dust.

That's what happens to his kind, to vampires.

Vampires?

Fangs, black eyes, dust, vampires.

So Aidan is a...

Yeah.

Aidan called you a werewolf.

I used to be one, and then I wasn't.

And now I'm gonna be one again.

Does Nora know?

She's one too.

There were so many times I wanted to tell you,

that I... I tried...

So your journals...

all that stuff you said...

that's really why you left?

I couldn't handle it, what I'd become.

I was trying to protect you from all of this.

That's why I didn't tell you. I... I...

I can see why.

How often does your roommate stab random people?

She was gonna kill me, Em.

She would have killed me.

Have you ever done anything like that?

Not exactly, but yeah.

I wish this wasn't me, but it is.

And Aidan and Nora get that. They get me.

Well, if you hate it so much,

then why are you marrying
into it and doubling down?

And why are you living with someone like Aidan

who brings more of that into your life?

We look out for each other.

You're my sister!

We accept each other.

I accept you, Em, for everything that you are.

Are you comparing murder to being gay?

No.

- Really?
- No.

'Cause those things aren't
even in the same solar system.

That's not what I meant.

You felt alone. You were
scared to talk about it.

Aidan just killed someone!

Something, whatever.

I wish I was ok with that. I really do.

Hey, man.

I think it's time.

Are those for me?

Yeah, 3 bags of O Negative

and one werewolf booster shot.

For when you wake up.

Ok, look,

I know that, um, I asked for this.

But what you did to the stripper...

is that gonna happen to me?

No, it won't, because you
won't be reckless like that.

When's the last time that you've done this?

You know, made someone?

It's been a while.

Like, um, a couple years?

More like a hundred.

And what happened to the last one?

The virus got him.

Ok, so what you're saying is that

this whole vampire
immortality thing isn't a lock.

Kenny...

What?

The only thing that you have to know

is that I'm going to take
everything that I've learned

from my maker and from those that I've made,

both bad and good, to protect you.

As long as I am alive, I will keep you safe.

Ok.

Nothing quite like a vampire stripper

to put things in perspective.

I'm sorry about earlier...

for even thinking that you
would side with them over us.

No, I, uh... I get it.

You and Nora are about to start
your own, let's face it, pack.

You get protective of your own.

I never should have blamed you

for what the other vampires did to Pete.

Pete was a good guy. I
know that he helped you.

And he proved that the curse
doesn't have to define us.

Even if I can't control my
wolf, it doesn't have to ruin me.

Curse or no curse,

we can still choose who we wanna be.

Look at us. Evolved.

Kenny's lucky to have you as his papa.

- Sally? Nora...
- Come in, come in!

Hey, Nora told me you wanted to see me.

Yeah, come in.

The hunger's getting too strong.

I don't wanna hurt anybody else.

Josh and Nora won't do it,
so I need you to promise me,

when the time comes, you're gonna kill me.

That was really good.
You been working on that?

Aidan, I'm serious.

No! You can't give up.

Josh and Nora, they just
found that psychic, Ilana.

Maybe she can help with Donna.

You think she'll answer the
door when I look like this?

- Well, then let me help!
- How?

How are you gonna help me?

Oh, dammit! Ok!

Listen to me, uh...

Josh, he saved me when I needed it.

And he can't help you now, but I can.

What are you doing?

Eat me.

No, eat!

Eat.

Aidan, I'm not gonna eat you.

Oh, come on, I'm gonna heal.

How? By eating somebody else?

No! Security at the
hospital has loosened up.

I've got plenty of blood, so...

it's ok.

It's like biting through a tire.

Sorry.

Can you, like, stop flexing?

I'm sorry! I'm nervous.

Oh, that's not too...

- Ilana...
- Can I help you?

Oh! Are you ok?

Oh God, of course, you don't recognize me.

Have we met?

Just that time I possessed you

to stop you and my murderous
fiancé from exorcising me.

Sally. I guess your friends found Donna.

She brought you all the way back.

Yeah, and now I'm about to die

and I kind of promised Donna my soul.

That's why I told your friends

I didn't want anything to do with her.

You can't wash your hands of this.

Please. At least tell me where to find her.

Look...

even if I knew, I would
advise you to just stay away.

And what?

I just wait around for her
creepy ass door to show up?

What do you mean "her" door?

I brought 2 people back with me from limbo.

And when they died, they both got the same door.

That's impossible.

I mean, from what I understand,
a door is your portal.

If the same door is appearing
to several different people,

it's not leading to the next world.

It's leading to somewhere in this world,

somewhere Donna wants you to go.

Well, yeah, that I get. She owns my soul.

But why my friends?

No, it isn't right.

Can I... can I ignore it?

Can I just live as a ghost?

No. She'll know you're on to her.

Donna wouldn't make a door you could avoid.

But if you go through the
door, and you are ready for her,

you might have a chance.

Me against Donna?

This woman makes buildings disappear.

How do I have any chance against her?

Don't underestimate yourself.
You are incredibly powerful.

Do you mean Harry Potter powerful

or "you want to make me feel
good about myself" powerful?

You survived an exorcism.

You made it back from the dead.

You rescued 2 other souls and
brought them back with you.

I never knew you your first time on this plane,

but it seems you're a much different spirit now.

Yeah...

How do I get ready?

Before you become a ghost again,

resolve any issues you have in this life.

You don't wanna be weighed down
like you were the first time.

What do I do when I actually see Donna?

You take the power away from her.

Love the sentiment. Need some specifics.

Ok, um...

this is not exactly my area of expertise,

but...

How's your Latin?

So let's cut to the chase.

Is this gonna be state or federal?

What?

Well, every time you drop
by out of the blue like this,

usually it's followed by
some sort of criminal request.

Just trying to plan my jail time accordingly.

What am I looking at?

I didn't come here to ask for anything.

I'm here to say goodbye...

for good.

I'm sorry. You know, I, um...

I really wanted to help.

I really wanted this to work out.

Well, listen, had you been more accepting

of my rotting body and my
witness-protection lifestyle,

I mean, we could've had something real great.

I don't know.

I mean, I tried.

I'm joking. Nervously.

The fact that you actually
did try to make this work

says everything about you.

You're everything I wish I could have had

when I was truly alive.

♪ The burning of the solemn fire ♪

♪ I could not speak ♪

♪ For my own state of mind... ♪

You look better.

Do I wanna know why?

- Probably not.
- Hmm...

♪ To know ♪

♪ That your pain is mine ♪

What do you want?

You.

I'm so hungry.

What the hell are you?

Why did you do this to me?

Jeff Weston. Nice to meet you.

It was a lot to take.
Emily will come around.

You don't know her like I do.

She's surprisingly stubborn for a slacker.

So our small wedding just got a little smaller.

This is so far from the
wedding I wanted to give you.

It's not the way I wanted
to start our life together.

It's ok.

Is it? Objectively speaking?

I mean, my sister hates
me. Liam wants us dead.

And if I learned anything
from Sadie the stripper,

it's that Aidan's strongly worded warning

may not carry that much weight.

All I need for the perfect wedding is you.

Just don't let Sally eat
me before we say "I do."

Mmm...

Why did you do this to me?

♪ You don't ♪

♪ Need a reason ♪

♪ For I know that ♪

♪ What I've done is wrong... ♪

Hello?

♪ Yeah, it's the same ♪

♪ Right or wrong ♪

♪ Yeah, it's the same thing ♪

♪ Right or wrong... ♪

Please let me go.

- What did you tell the girl?
- Nothing.

Donna thinks otherwise.

Donna has taken so much already.

Just leave the girl alone!

Whatever spirit possesses
this man, I banish you...

You picked the losing side, lady.