Being Human (2011–2014): Season 1, Episode 6 - It Takes Two to Make a Thing Go Wrong - full transcript

Previously on Being Human...

My brother had
a nervous breakdown

and ran away
from his family.

Just leave me alone.

You screw me. You kill me.
You never call.

I can't go to a restaurant
and pretend to be human

when all I wanna do is
eat the table next to me.

I will be strong
for both of us.

I lost my engagement ring.

- Why'd you take it off?
- You know I love that ring!

Danny killed me.



What sets a human
apart from a monster,

aside from genetics?

Aside from the terrible truth?

We walk the same streets.
We wear the same clothes.

You take a breath,

and there we are,
gulping the same air.

We're walking
in your footsteps.

♪ Still I lie silent... ♪

And even a monster can posses

that most dominant
of human emotions...

fear.

We know enough to remember
what we once were.

We know enough to fear
what we can now do.

And, like a human,



we obsess over love,
over life,

over every lost cause.

♪ That kills ♪

♪ Fire and soot ♪

♪ From an iron flute ♪

♪ That shakes the trees
from stem to root ♪

The Vatican Tweets!

I hate this decade.

Is that you?

Sorry.

How are you doing
that, anyway?

You can't...

Touch anything, do anything
but make the house shake.

I know.

Maybe because it's mine.

Maybe because it's supposed
to be on my finger.

But I thought
that Danny took it.

He did.

Then how did it get here?

Aidan, I'm pretty much
not gonna have the answer

to any of these questions.

You look nice.

Is that...
you wearing perfume?

So, it's like
a charged object, right?

Right.

So I should do
something with it.

Wait a second. Hold on.

When you say "do something,"

you don't mean
with Danny, right?

I'm sorry, am I
supposed to be over

the whole wrongful-death
thing by now?

You were the one who said
you'd take care of him.

Because I didn't wanna
see you get hurt.

Hey, listen to me.

The more involved you get,

the more caught up
you get in revenge.

You will be stuck, Sally.

Is it picture day at school?

What's up?

Nothing...

is up, OK?

You just notice it more

because you can't
change clothes.

Mail call.

Hello, sexy!

Is that Rebecca?
Um...

Who's Rebecca?

Are you two...

No.

No!

Oh!

OK, yeah, porn before
breakfast? Really?

- We don't need to see this.
- Hey!

Stop! I mean, let it.

Whoa!

That's a good dress.

OK...

What is this?

Hi, boobs!

Oh... What?

Is she... She's a vampire?

Oh my God!
Oh, she's eating his face!

What is she doing?

Oh my God!

Oh!

Turn it off!
Turn it off! Whoa!

There's so much blood!

What the hell was that?

Ew, ew, ew! Is that...

Is that what vampires do?

They get off on this,
don't they?

Some do.

So, is it something you like?

What?

No!

Josh...

No! No.

Someone's just trying
to mess with me.

I will get rid of it.

Don't worry.

I... I should, um...

I should get to work.

♪ Bring your curtain ♪

♪ Down ♪

We have the same
weaknesses as you.

But even this
doesn't make us normal.

But it does make us...

unforgettable.

Hey.

Hey. How's your...

your day going so far?

Oh, not bad.

Fender-bender, enema.

Same old.

Well, I hope
the two weren't related.

So, they sent
Mr. Calambey home?

His burns healed nicely.

Yeah! Minor miracle.

I'm not going anywhere near
my deep fryer anytime soon!

How can you even
own one of those?

The fat alone is just...

Oh no, I was...

No, I was kidding.

I was kidding.

Although I'm not past
torching a brulée on occasion.

Because men enjoy...

torching things.

So, you like to cook?

Yeah, I always thought
it would be my other profession

if I didn't go into...

Um...

So, I'm in this
rehabilitation program.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

Trying to prove
to Nora Sorgent,

I'm an upstanding
member of society

and not a raging ass hat.

Hmm. That must be
a new program.

- Is.
- How's it going?

Decent. Yeah.

Although I'm not really
putting in the effort

that I'd like.

Oh, well, one day at a time.

Yeah. Uh, so...

I was wondering
if maybe you...

if maybe you might
want to eat sometime.

Uh, wow, like tomorrow.

Because you're not
working the night shift,

and, hey, neither am I.

So what a serendipitous...

bit of scheduling.

Well, I do need to eat.

See you later, dough eyes.

Well, that was fast.

I told Rebecca
you'd be another day.

I thought you'd wanna
watch it a few more times.

Can I talk to you alone?

I'm fine here.

Really?

A porno?

That's your big move?

Bishop likes to think of it
as a video postcard of sorts.

"Wish you were here."

What are you doing?

What?

You didn't like it?

Bishop knows where I stand.

A pathetic snuff film
isn't gonna change my mind.

Fair enough.

Give it back,
and I'll dispose of it.

Ah!

You kept it!

So you do miss me.

Don't do that.

You...

You don't want me back.

You ever thought of
what might happen?

Yes, it's all I think about.

It's all any of us
think about, really.

You would be nothing...

all over again,

and you know it.

Yap, yap, yap.

You and all the little doggies!

I thought you had
a hold over him.

I guess I was wrong.

It would have been fine
if you weren't here.

I can do it.
That's what you keep saying!

And yet...

Is it true what they say

about Aidan and Bishop?

They weren't gods.

Are you in love with him?

What would be the point?

Ahh...

Are you OK?

Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm...

Maybe. Do you think if you
mention food to someone

and they say
they like to eat,

technically, it's a date?

- No.
- No?

Well, actually,
what she said was...

"I guess I have to eat."

Who?

Nora.

Yeah.

- She's speaking to you?
- Yes!

And possibly eating with me.

- "I guess I have to eat..."
- No, yeah.

It's not dripping
with enthusiasm.

But it's not a no.

- It's not a no. Mm-mmm.
- Not a no.

What?

You're doing it.

Don't jinx it!

It does make me wonder,
though, you know,

what that would be like...

be someone's boyfriend again.

Share a paper, see a movie.

Sounds like retirement.

Is sex in this equation?

What?

Emily...

I'm sorry.

I just didn't know
where else to go.

So, what brings you here?

"Are you OK, Emily?"

Are you...
Are you OK, Emily?

I know you don't wanna see me.
OK? I get it.

Jackie and I broke up.

Oh...

That's rough.

Thank you.

And I can't keep
living in there,

and it's too late to
find a roommate this semester.

So...

I need a place to crash, OK?

- Uh, OK, see, I...
- Aidan's OK with it.

Right?

She's your sister.

How long?

Just till I get
back on my feet.

Can I have this cookie?

♪ I have seen the most ♪

♪ Incredible light ♪

♪ In your eyes
In your eyes... ♪

♪ I have seen the most
incredible light ♪

♪ In your eyes
In your eyes ♪

♪ In your eyes ♪

Hello?

Hello.

♪ So cast away ♪

♪ All your pain... ♪

Hey, did someone call...

Aidan, hey.

Did you call about the sink?

Did we?

Uh, yeah, my bad.
Come on in.

Ahh!

What the hell are you doing?

You think you'd get away
with killing our girl?

Any preference?

Just make it hurt.

Ahh! Ah!

I know.
She disgusts me.

The thought of her...
Like, ugh!

She makes me wanna lick a guy
from head to toe.

Get the blood
out of the fridge.

And then the porn?

We'll lose
the snuff film, right?

- I told you I took care of it!
- OK!

Hey, listen, a couple
of days, right?

- Huh?
- We were human once.

We can do this!
All right. Come on.

What the hell is this?

What's it look like?
I'm freaking out.

No, no, no freaking out!
Not now!

Emily's here.
Everyone just be normal.

How am I supposed
to be normal?

I need to talk to you.

And here we are.

Why are we shaking?

That's your sister?

She's so cute!

That's the T.
The train. The T train.

Well, that blows.

You could crash
somewhere else.

Hey! That's your sister.
Tell her she's welcome.

Make yourself at home.

I can't even see through
the haze of warm and fuzzy!

Please tell me
you have booze in there.

Help yourself.

Stop shaking
the house right now.

Yeah, can't.
It' called a crisis.

- Not my fault! I Swear!
- No worries!

Try!

OK, when you whisper to me,
it makes me feel like a ghost.

And that makes it worse.

Stop shaking!

Hey, Josh...

Why are there, like,
5 rump roasts in your freezer?

Are there?

OK, so, dinner, right?

What do people like to eat?

What do we, the people,

like to eat?

Aidan's hot.

Sometimes I wish
I was into that.

Jackie would so freak!

Yeah, you don't wanna...

That is complicated.

Um, yeah,
part of the appeal!

How's things going
on your front?

Oh, good.

Work's good.

Girls, Josh. Life.

Are you OK?

Because last time,
you weren't.

Yeah.

Look, I...

I know I said some things...

I apologize.

Forget about it.

You owe me one.

Hey, uh...

I told mom and dad
I saw you.

Whoops.

But, see, there you go.

All even!

- Em...
- You're their son!

They're worried about you.

They didn't even know
you were alive.

What did you tell them?

What do you think?

Everything.

Well...

since you asked,

I did ask someone out.

And it's vaguely possible
that she said yes.

You dog, you!

It's not like we...

I mean, we haven't,
you know, yet.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.
So don't care!

Another beer?

You coming?

The food's getting cold.

What?

Yeah, right. Right.

♪
♪

I know.

It sucks.

I could make you feel
so much better

if you could
actually hear me.

My fiance killed me.

I guess you're happy
things didn't get that bad

with what's-her-name.

I bet you wanna
get back at her.

Right?

Make her feel bad?

Because what is she
really doing?

She's just gallivanting
around, right?

Totally fine with the fact
that she decimated you.

Don't you feel like
we should do something?

Good morning!
Oh, apples!

This place is freezing.

I'm getting a sweater.

What?

I know you're frustrated.

Frustrated?

Ha!

I'm dead.

I think maybe that ring...

is maybe what's
making you so jittery.

You should get rid of it.

I can't.

It's attached to me.

It's basically
a murder weapon, you know?

It's the reason I died.

So you've tried
to get rid of it?

Let's go back to when you
wanted to rip his head off.

I like that Aidan!

Yes, I've tried to
get rid of it!

Whatever I do...

it comes back to me.

Like when it fell
down the drain.

The house wouldn't rest
till it came back to me.

I've been thinking about it.

It wasn't the house.

It was you,

I need to do something.

Like what?

Like push Danny down
every staircase in Boston.

Like make him see my face
in every shadowy hallway.

Like... Like make him
choke on this damn ring

every time he takes
a bite of food.

You think I wanna be
shaking this house?

I wanna shake
his very existence!

But this...

This is all I have.

You know what?
Let me...

Let me get her coffee.

- You don't have to do that.
- No, really.

Thank you.

So...

So...

So, I hope this
doesn't count as our date,

because I was really
hoping to do better

than cafeteria coffee.

You'd have to spring for
a croissant to get in my pants.

- Oh...
- I'm...

I'm kidding.

Right. Right. Me too.

So, we are having a date?

I thought so.

Is this a thing that you do?

You turn it around so
the girl ends up asking you out?

Slick!

No, I just wasn't...

OK. So, dinner at my place.

Here...

is my address.

So, now you have it.

I will treasure
this cup always.

See, you want me to think
that you're joking,

but I really have
no way of knowing.

Maybe you have a treasure trove
of stalker paraphernalia.

Yes, because I'm
the strange one here.

- Exactly!
- Yeah.

Um... OK,
so I'll see you tonight.

- OK.
- All right.

Hello?

Danny?

Oh God!

Why didn't you say anything?

Are you messing
with me, Bridg?

What are you talking about?
I just got here.

Then what the hell is this?

Unh...

Are you messing with me?

Stop!

Danny, you're hurting me!

You still watching that?

Oh, don't do that!

I could come back.

Pshh.

Sorry.

It's just...

Emily's drinking
alone downstairs

and it's all starting to
feel creepy and lonely.

What's going on?

I messed with Danny...

with the ring.

And it felt really
briefly satisfying.

Is that awful?

I don't wanna
see you do anything

that will mess with
your karma, you know?

Oh.

Hey, look,
I lived through the '60s,

a few of them.

I can talk about karma
without irony.

Are you in love with Elvira?

Rebecca? Um...

I feel responsible for her.

Why? She looks like
she can take care of herself.

Maybe.

♪ Make peace with the dead ♪

♪ Make peace
with the dead... ♪

Oh, yum!

Relax.

I got another
bottle of vodka.

What?

I don't even drink vodka.

Oh, so that was all me.

You know what?
You should go out.

Just, you know,
be young, wild.

As soon as possible.

I have a date.

Oh yeah!

That girl whose pants
you're too scared to unbutton?

Yes.

Thank you.

What do you say?

Mind if I brown bag it?

You can do
whatever you want.

She cannot do
whatever she wants.

P.S.

Relax, narc.

Yeah, no, great,
you go ahead.

I'll stay here,
do nothing, again.

You know what?

Why don't you all go out
and just have a great time?

- I'll get it!
- I'll get it!

No! You stop now!

No, no, no!

- Oh, hello.
- Hi!

Nora, Emily.
That's my leaving sister.

Come in.
Come on in.

Josh, she is so hot!

Look at her boobs!

I've always wanted
boobs like that.

Come in! Come in!

How about a vodka shot?

Emily, she doesn't want
a vodka shot, OK?

She's an adult.

- One shot.
- Ooh!

♪ You have to follow again ♪

You're gonna have
the best night!

♪ We feel gone
We feel gone ♪

This doesn't suck.

You want a drink?

I've been drinking
since breakfast.

All right, I'm going in.

Hmm, feels like a redhead
kind of night.

Hey!

Just have fun.

Your description
of this place?

Not accurate.

I ended up in
what might have been

the basement of
a serial killer.

You should probably
look into that.

I'm never going out again.

Human boys.

He doesn't know
what he's missing!

Seriously. Freaking eunuch.

Oh!

Let's go pour a drink
down his pants.

His junk will shrink
like a toe in a tub.

Hmm?

Josh, this is
shockingly good!

Thank you.

But the torch
really did the...

heavy lifting.

Who has a kitchen torch

besides Martha Stewart
and her newlywed minions?

That's something
you register for

and never take out
of the box.

Yeah, that's what
my fiancée said.

What, you were engaged?

Were you married?

Oh no, no. And...

What happened?

It's a long story.

Um... it just
didn't end well.

Too young?

Yeah. Um...

I changed.

You answer questions
like an escaped convict.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah?

- Mysterious.
- Yeah...

Not too much detail.

Well, the details
would bore you.

I'm a Jewish kid
from Ithaca.

- As in Ithaca is gorgeous?
- Yes.

Cute, dough eyes!

What about college?

MIT.

- Shut up!
- Yeah, anyone can get in.

Screw you!

What are you doing
folding hospital corners?

Life experience.

More wine? I should get
more wine maybe.

This is gone.

Lindsey. Aneurism. 1991.

Oh... at your age?

I know, right?
Wicked tragic!

So, how'd you bite it?

My fiance killed me.

- Shut up!
- Can't.

Oh! Wow!
How mad are you?

I desperately wanna
wreak havoc on Danny,

but my friend Aidan
thinks it's a bad idea,

like I'll be stuck
here or something.

That's a bunch of bull!

You're just supposed to
let Danny get away with it?

Yes, that's what I think.
But he's...

No, we'll figure it out.
Screw Aidan!

No one gets what
we're going through but us!

Oh, honey, you're so
happy you've met me!

Holy mother.

That looks like a girl
that forgot her underwear.

What are you doing here?

Painting the town red.

Wanna come?

OK, so, I'm gonna go to
a place that is not here.

I like your new girlfriend.

That's Josh's sister.

Are you running
a kennel now?

She didn't smell
like a bitch.

I don't have
anything to say to you.

You wouldn't have shown up
the other day looking for me

if you had nothing to say.

You are a lost cause.

Wow!

We have eternity,

and you're really
gonna give up now?

They sent you that DVD
because they think I affect you.

Brilliant!

Pretend I don't. Whatever.

I spend half my time trying
to forget about you, too.

I give up.

I like these plates.

They've got character.

Thanks. Yeah, we found
'em at a flea market.

Aidan had a few
from an old set, so...

Is that how you two
ended up living together?

Your love of vintage china?

Um... actually, no.

We, uh...

We met in a fight.

Well, sort of a fight.

It was...
I was being fought.

Pummelled, really.

So, you're an antiquer,
not a fighter.

Much hotter.

Seriously?

No.

But that's OK.

♪ What is the way... ♪

You're scared.
I saw it.

Before or after I ripped
that joker's neck off,

I loved it.

Even if I didn't,

I'm supposed to disobey,
go against King Bishop?

You killed me,
but he made me.

At the hotel,

I looked up
and you were gone.

I thought I was
doing you a favor.

By going back to Bishop?
To Marcus?

You're probably just
doing their bidding

by talking to me now!

I was. Marcus brought
me here tonight.

Oh God, Rebecca!

Why do you think
I'm telling you?

I'm coming clean.
I can't do this.

What do you want from me?
I'm screwed, Aidan!

Anything I do!

You know that!

I shouldn't have let you
walk inside that night.

I should have
just walked away

and let you live your life.

I wasn't living it that well.

♪ Opposite, opposite ♪

♪ Opposite, opposite ♪

♪ Opposite, opposite ♪

♪ Opposite ♪

♪ Opposite, opposite ♪

Can I help you with that?

I'm a skirt chaser, babe.

But I'll take a light
if you got it.

So, do you come here a lot?

I go wherever he goes.

Who's that?

The douche
who went on without me.

You can call him Bill.

Huh.

Coming to these places
night after night,

trolling for
some girl dumb enough

to lick his rotted
herpes face for a night.

It makes me sick.

- Let's go say hi!
- Hmm?

Please don't.

So, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.
What do you feel like?

Make him think he's seeing
maggots in his whisky?

Make his teeth fall out
while he talks up a slut?

You can do that?

I can make him think
it's happening.

See, that's why
you look so sad, honey.

You're wasting your time
trying to be a ghost.

Being a ghost is boring!

I know.

But a poltergeist...

Delicious!

What are you saying?

Get 'em off!
Get 'em off me!

Get out of the way! Move!

Get it off me!

Danny can't even hear me!

How do you do that?

Honestly, for the first
five years, I couldn't do squat.

But for the past 15, hello!

I know, I should probably
just kill him, right?

Buzz kill!

- Fatal-attraction ghost. Wow!

So, what about your door?

My what?

Your door.
You know, how you move on.

Move on to what?

I'm sorry, babe, I gotta go.

Bill hasn't gotten
his rocks off in five years.

You know why? Vigilance!

Well, come find me
sometime, yeah?

We'll get your guy.

Well, now!

Sorry, did I...

Relax. I've got a good
right hook if I need it.

OK. Just...

Am I being too...

- You're being too polite.
- Yeah, I just...

I just wanna make sure.

Yeah...

What happened to you?

- Just...
- Yeah, OK.

Ah jeez!

Sorry, sorry.

You were heavy petting,
so I hid here.

Who are you talking to?

Who the hell
is here this late?

Yes?

Bridget?

Bridget.

Have we met?

No, sorry.

I'm Josh.

Oh, right, the boyfriend.

What?

Um... I think
this belongs here.

Isn't this Danny's?

It's not Danny's.
It's mine.

Just put it somewhere, OK?

I'm pretty sure
it belongs here.

OK.

Bridg...

Good night.

Uh...

Where to?

Uh... I gotta go.

What?

I gotta...

I left Emily and it's late.
I should take her home.

You're kidding me, right?

I...

I really... No. No. No.

I gotta go.

So, let the dog catcher
take her home.

Come on.

Ugh, I'm not doing
this for Bishop.

I told you,
to hell with them.

Doesn't that mean
anything to you?

Yes. Yes, it does.

It really does.

But I...

I can't get into it tonight.

Ugh... Ugh!

Maybe they have a point!

Marcus and the rest.

At least they
stick together.

I'm sorry.

You know, you, um...

You really don't have to go.

It's late.

I should.

Did you arrange this
or something?

I swear....

Oh my God!

Josh...

Em!

Oh no!

What happened?
What happened?

I'm sorry, Josh.

I know you guys
wanted to be alone.

I'm sorry. I...

No, we're taking her
to the hospital.

I don't need to. I...

I don't want you guys to...

Hey, hey.

We're going, OK?

We're going.

Can you stand?
Can you walk?

- Mm-hmm.
- All right, come on. Come on.

♪ The stars wait
for a lot of days... ♪

Where are they?

The hospital.

Aidan!

♪ I'm tired of
the constellations ♪

♪ Fights for euthanasia ♪

♪ Did we ever really
land on the moon? ♪