Being Human (2011–2014): Season 1, Episode 13 - A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Me Killing You - full transcript

Aidan and Bishop square off; Nora finds out the truth about Josh; Sally's able to touch.

Previously on "Being Human"...

Look, I can deal with
this pregnancy.

If you want out,
this is the time.

Celine, are you gonna
tell me what's wrong?

I had lung cancer
years ago. It's back.

Bishop!

(Grunting)

Prepare for what's coming.

A door.
A portal. It takes you beyond.

It pops up when it's time
for you to mosey.

This is all so sudden.
I'm not mentally prepared.



- You've been waiting for this.
- I wish you could come.

See you in 60 years.

(Screaming)

(Grunting)

(Screaming)

Stay with me.
Come on, man!

(Wheezing)

It's OK, Aidan.

It's OK.
Just stay awake.

Stay awake,
I'm right here.

Oh my God! Aidan?

What the hell happened?

OK, um, get Jason down here
with a large bore IV.

I need to
start a line.



Tell Martha
to clear an OR.

No, just blood.

Sit back.
We've got you.

Nora, he needs
a transfusion.

Go! Now!

(Panting)

(Aidan wheezing)

Listen, I told you there
are things I can't explain.

This is your secret?

No operating room, no doctor.
Just blood.

Please. Please.

This shouldn't have worked,
for so many reasons.

But for a little while, for
this excellent moment in time,

it did work, didn't it?

And I felt human, alive.

(Bell ringing)

But you were right.

A secret breaks things down.

It's like bile...

dark, corrosive.

Hi.

I don't ha... I don't
have any money.

Oh...

(Barking)

Don't bother running, pup.
You know we'll catch you.

Full moon's not
for another 2 weeks.

What is this?

Look at that.

You really
don't know, do you?

Well...

this...

(Grunting)

is how the world works.

(Gasping)

You and the other
dogs down there

and all of us
way up here.

(Panting)

What are you?

God's little creatures.

(Gasping)

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

- Marcus.
- Woof woof!

Marcus!

Aidan. Can you believe this?

You can't even
get a cup of coffee

without running into
a mutt these days.

So you beat him up
2 weeks before he turns?

(Laughing)

You might as well
beat up a little girl.

Bishop would be so proud.

(Grunting)

(Kicking)

(Sighing)

(Grunting)

It's a long story,
and most of it's unbelievable.

But it's time
you knew the truth...

now that I have
nothing left to lose.

♪ Now, now, now
come now ♪

♪ You don't need to be
so rough around me... ♪.

The blood's coming.
You'll be OK.

(Wheezing)

♪ Now, now, now
come now ♪

♪ You don't need
to get so hot... ♪.

Go.

It's just
waiting now.

Go to your door.

No way.

No way. I need
to know he's OK.

Sally.

Don't miss it
because of me.

(Wheezing)

If I die...

I'm ready.

♪ Now, now, now
who's out? ♪

♪ We don't need
to leave it out ♪

♪ We found it
anymore... ♪.

Aidan.

Go.

Maybe I'll
see you there.

♪ You drive me down ♪

♪ It just shows
your weakness ♪

♪ Well, I'm your guy ♪

♪ And I know
what your weakness is ♪

♪ Get your... ♪.

- It's OK.
- No!

♪ It shows your weakness... ♪.

Oh!

I'm Aidan.

You're one of them.

I guess so.

Yeah. Well, thanks,

but I'm gonna go before
you kill me, if that's cool.

Hey, I'm not
gonna hurt you.

(Panting)

Come on, let me help
get you cleaned up.

I'm a nurse and I can...

Seriously?

You don't bat an eye
at me being a vampire,

but the nurse thing
is weird? Come on.

Come on.

Just so you know...

♪ We don't need to think
like we're... ♪.

It wouldn't have been...

exactly like beating up a girl.

♪ It just shows
your weakness... ♪

(Laughs)

When I'm gone, I at least
want you to know what I was.

I want you to know
who you are to me.

Nothing else matters.

♪ It's a hard, hard thing ♪

Not anymore.

♪ To come clean ♪

(Panting)

No. No.

Where's my door? No!

(Panting)

(Footsteps approaching)

Josh. It's OK.

We met last night.

Celine.

Sorry, I'm just
a little...

I don't know
what I am.

(Sighing)

I'm sorry.

Go home, sleep,
eat something.

No, I can't leave him.

You'll be more help
to him rested.

There are things...

There's a thing...

out there... that
wants to kill him.

Something you couldn't
possibly understand.

Bishop and the vampires?

I've understood for
quite a long time ago, Josh.

But don't worry.

I know how to handle Bishop.

Go home.

Have you been
here all night?

I guess I left
around 2:00 or 3:00,

right around the time
it became clear

that you weren't
gonna tell me anything.

I'm sorry.

(Sniffs)

I appreciate what you did.
I know you went against protocol.

Josh, I completely
sent protocol to hell!

God, if anyone
found out...

Whatever, it's done.

But if I'm gonna do this,

if I'm gonna put my job and...
I don't know...

my life...

If I'm gonna take
these kinds of risks...

you gotta tell me
if it's worth it.

I don't know
what to say.

Really?

I'm keeping this baby.

I wasn't sure, but I am.

Nora, that's great!
I think...

That's amazing!

Yeah, yeah,
it would be...

if I felt like
I had a partner.

But I'm beginning to realize
that maybe I don't...

which is fine.

But if that's the case,
then I need to prepare myself.

I wanna be
that person for you.

But you can't.

You wanna be that person...

but you can't.

You wanna tell me
the truth...

but you can't.

And I wanna keep
being patient...

but I can't.

I'm sorry.

(Laughing softly)

Oh! He came so close.

That's why it's
taking so long to heal.

If you had your fill of live
blood, you'd be healed by now.

Drink me.

No.

Don't be a fool.

Bishop's coming for you.

You can't fight him like this.

Celine, I would
have to drain you.

I'd rather die for you
than for cancer.

I will heal.

I just need
a little time.

(Breathing deeply)

And I need
to get home.

(Horn honking,
birds tweeting)

(Engine stops)

(Car door opening)

(Horn blaring in distance)

(Knocking on window)

Oh!

L.T.?

Sully, hey.

You OK?

It's been a couple days

since we saw you
at the station.

Yeah, it looks like you
caught me sleeping one off.

In your car?

What happened to your face?

Oh...

(Laughs)

Right.

I'm gonna need
a little help with that.

(Screaming)

Help! Help!





Is Aidan OK?

I know, I'm here.
It sucks.

Why aren't you...

Above, beyond,
sipping lattes on cloud nine?

I missed it.
I came home and...

my door just... wasn't.

Oh, Sally...

I just can't
deal with it now

or I'm gonna start shooting
people from a bell tower, so...

I get it.

On the other hand...

You're...

Practically a person,
except not at all.

My door disappears,
and I can do this.

Probably not
a good thing, right?

No, I don't know.

I mean, it might be
a good thing for your ability

to keep up
on current events and...

the stock market and...

Sudoku.

No, it's probably
not a good thing.

Aidan would know.

Aidan would know.

(Siren wailing,
horn honking in distance)

I feel ridiculous.

You'll feel better
once you're home

and an old dying lady
isn't pushing you around.

(Laughing)

Just go ahead
and sit and wait.

Mommy's
a little busy.

(Panting)

(Elevator beeping)

I don't know
what number.

Celine.

(Breathing deeply)

(Panting)

How well trained are you?

Uh...

(Clears throats
and coughs)

Can you deliver
a simple message?

(Chair scraping
against floor)

I... can't give a... give
a message to anyone

because I don't... I don't
know where they are.

- Mm-hmm...

You know what's funny?

No, I really don't.

All I wanted was for Aidan
to become a better vampire...

to embrace his gift.

And it is a gift,
you understand?

Sure.

I selected him to create
a future, and he...

Well, he hates me
now, doesn't he?

Yeah, that never
really came up.

You're going to give
Aidan a message for me.

He and I are
going to end this

like the very old and dignified
vampires that we are.

You're going to tell him to meet
me at the old garment factory

8:00 tomorrow night.

Who's to say I even know
where Aidan is or if he's alive?

You're going to give
him the message...

or I will deliver something
of a very different kind

to your family in Ithaca.

What do you think would
upset your mother more,

your heart or your brain
on a platter?

(Door opening)

That's new.

That's what Josh said.

It's bad, right?

Yeah, I think
it means that...

What?

No, say it.

I think it means

that you're more tethered
to the earth.

So I'm stuck here, like the
rest of the one-eyed crazies.

You're still not solid yet.
(Door closing)

You're just more charged.

(Laughing)

I saw Bishop.

He talked to me for a
disturbingly long time.

(Grunting)

Did he hurt you?

I think he would
very much like to.

But he...

Hey, so you know,
when was the last time

the three of us
just got together

and played a really
good game of Celebrity?

- Josh, just say it.
- He wants to meet you.

Like men, like vampire men
tomorrow night.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait.

- Why does he wanna meet you?
- He wants to fight me.

You mean kill you.
Aidan, you can barely walk.

This... Me and him...

it's what was
always gonna happen.

OK, I love you,

but that's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

This isn't 1782
or whenever.

You have a choice.
We have a choice.

We aren't
choosing anything.

We are a part of this!

Josh and I are your family.

Yes, and Bishop won't stop
until he's torn that apart.

It's not like I borrowed
his car without asking.

I thwarted his plan of taking
over the Eastern Seaboard.

(Sighing)

It's better
if I just do this.

Tomorrow's
the full moon.

Josh, I saw what you did
to that wolf,

what your wolf did.

And the vampires,
they were terrified.

You're more powerful
than any of them.

Wait, you want me...

- Sally, it's not controlled.
- It's not possible!

It's not possible. He said he
would go after my mom and dad.

He said... we could leave.

You, me,
Sally, Nora, we...

She hates me right now,
but I could talk to her.

You should talk to her
and you should leave with her.

That would be good.
But you should forget about me.

Sorry, but no.

This is my battle, OK?
End of story.

So, what?
We just let you go?

We never
see you again?

What? You just
go off and die?

I fight.

This should've happened
lifetimes ago, and...

I am truly sorry that
it had to happen during yours.

The elevator's down.

Hey.

Whoever says that
dedication to dusting

won't lead to
a bright future is lying.

I just sailed through H.R.
Flying colours.

And Fight Club face?
Loved it.

I know you're better
than this, but it's a start.

Well, I'm not that much
better than this.

Working in a hospital
is still some variation

of what my normal life
was gonna be.

Broom, scalpel,
potato, "potahto."

So thank you.

And a question.

(Clears throat)

Why the hell
are you doing this?

I've been trying to,
you know, be clean

for years, uh, decades.

Decades, really?

You know there
are programs.

There aren't really
any others like me,

so I slip up and
I start all over.

It's isolating.
It's frustrating.

So when I saw you cornered
and alone, I thought:

"Well, it doesn't have to be
that way for either one of us."

So, these slip-ups...

how often
do they happen?

OK, if we're
gonna be friends,

you need to stop
thinking I'm gonna kill you.

OK.

(Birds chirping,
siren wailing in distance)

I know you're scared and
I know you're in a family way,

but we cannot
not do something.

I was just thinking
the same thing.

So what do we do?

I think
you're right.

About the wolf?

That room in the basement...

if we can get Bishop down there
and you can close the door

and lock the two of us inside...

Can you do that now?

I think I can
do that now.

(Inhaling)

Ray was right.

Push comes to shove...

I'm a killer.

I don't know what else
we're supposed to do.

This is insane.

(Inhaling)

And yet it...

it almost seems
too easy, doesn't it?

You mean the part where
I transform into a werewolf

and I attempt to murder

a 500-year-old
super-angry vampire? No.

It doesn't
seem too easy.

You're a really
scary werewolf.

Really?

Oh my God! Like super,
super badass scary.

So just... don't
say anything to Aidan.

You don't say
anything to Aidan.

But seriously,
like, don't.

Like, don't give
him special looks

and get all emotional
and whatnot.

Don't Sally-it-up.

What does
that even mean?

(Laughing)

(Sighing)

(Sighing)

You asked me why I didn't wait
for you all those years ago.

What happened?

(Inhaling)

I went out for a walk
to get some air.

I was gonna go
to the train with you.

He had other ideas.

What did he do to you?

I shouldn't have
given up on you.

I should've known.

Celine, my God,
I am so sorry.

Don't be.

I'm ready to leave, Aidan.

But I can't die

until I know
you'll truly live.

Take your life back...

for both of us.

(Sniffs)

Oh!

(Crow cawing in distance)

(Siren wailing in distance)

He'll fight you, but
he wants to do it here.

There's a room
in the basement.

No one can hear you
down there. Same time.

Oh, and just for the record,
the fact that you're in this car

with a stay-in-school
bumper sticker

is just so wrong
in so many ways.

Good boy.

You know you didn't
have to do that.

You know we don't...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just humour me, OK?

I'm turning into a wolf,

you're going off
to your big awful battle.

I feel like
it's the night

of a big football game
or something, like state.

- Did you even play football?
- I went to the games.

- Yeah.
- You know what we should do?

We should join one of those
local farm-delivery programs.

It would be good.
I'd cook more, be involved.

It would be good.

They'd send you
a bunch of kale.

Yes, kale's great.
It's good for digestion.

(Laughing)

(Aidan inhaling and exhaling)

What time is it?

It's almost 6:00.

(Inhaling)

Where are you
turning tonight?

The woods.

Then you're gonna go
to Ithaca and see your family

and make sure
that they're OK.

You guys are
coming back, right...

after you do whatever
it is you have to do?

- Yeah.
- Sure

I don't wanna be here
without you guys.

We'll be back. And we'll
join that farm thing.

It'll be awesome.

(Sighing)

We should really...

Yeah.

(Dishes hitting counter)

So I guess we should've
started a little slower

with the whole
being-normal thing, huh?

(Laughing softly)

Do you need
a ride tonight or...

No, I'm good,
I'm good.

You go.

(Inhaling and exhaling)

(Sniffs)

Good luck tonight.

I'll see you
on the other side.

♪ Follow me down
to the edge of the town ♪

♪ The edge of the town,
where the graves are ♪

♪ Swallowed in weeds
in the throws of those trees ♪

♪ The throws of the trees,
where my heart lies ♪

♪ You can be my one
if you wanna go ♪

♪ You can be my Juliet then ♪

♪ And we can drift asleep
in a lover's pose ♪

♪ But never go away ♪

♪ No poison here,
we're safe ♪

♪ Follow me down
to the kingdom around ♪

♪ The edge of now,
where the tracks are... ♪

"Nora: This shouldn't
have worked

"for so many reasons.

"But for a little while, for
this excellent moment in time,

"it did work, didn't it?

"The truth is I never expected
what I found with you,

"that possibility of a future
I'd given up so long ago.

"But I can't
step into that future

"without helping
my family first,

"not just my parents
and my sister

"whom I've hurt for too long,
but my family here in Boston.

"They're part of my secret,
part of my survival

"and I owe this to them.

"I don't know if I'll even
be here after tonight,

"but if I am..."

♪ Juliet ♪

♪ Juliet ♪

♪ You can be my one
if you wanna go ♪

♪ You can be
my Juliet then... ♪

(Panting)

(Grunting)

- Need help?
- Just stick to the plan.

When Bishop walks through
that door, you shut it.

I'll be fine.

Just remind Aidan to...

come let me out
in the morning...

or... to carry me out.

You know.

You're a good person, Josh.

(Zipper unzipping)

A good friend.

And Ray was wrong.
You're not a killer.

You never were.

Be safe.

What?

Sally. Sally!

(Screaming)

Is he OK?

He may never
speak to me again.

And I may never speak to you
again for making me do this.

And you're sure you told
Bishop the right place?

She did.

Cute thing.

Leave.

No, let me help you.

Sally.

Oh, don't worry about
hurting my feelings.

I'll see you later.

You took everything
from me, Aidan.

You did this to yourself.

Maybe.

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

(Door opening)

Josh.

What do you mean
"when I'm gone"?

(Grunting)

Nora, get out.

Josh?

Please.

(Screaming)

Oh my God!

Josh, are you OK?

No, no, no.

Get out, get out, get out!
Oh my God!

(Screaming)

(Screaming)

(Screaming)

(Screaming)

(Growling)

(Screaming)

(Growling)

Oh God! Oh!

No.

(Screaming)

Oh! Ah!

Hmm?

(Sniffing)

(Grunting)

I chose you because
you were brave.

But you're afraid of the
greatness I could give you.

You're afraid to fail.

You're the coward
hiding behind an army,

never strong enough
to stand on your own.

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

(Gasping)

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

(Screaming)

(Grunting)

(Screaming)

And for your weakness,
you ruined my life.

(Shouting, indistinct)

(Grunting)

(Groaning)

You will hate me no more!

(Groaning)

(Grunting)

(Screaming)

(Groaning)

Now, you know you can't
do a damn thing with that.

Now hand it over,
little girl.

(Gasps)

(Gasping)

I told you to change.

I begged you to change.

(Gasping)

It didn't have to
be this way.

(Gasping)

(Gasping):
It did.

(Gasping)

(Gasping)

(Screaming)

(Gasps)

(Breathing deeply)

(Panting)

(Horns honking)

(Cawing)

If I'd known
this would happen...

I thought
the baby was OK.

I was so relieved
it was OK.

(Sighing)

I'm so sorry.

I should've told you
sooner, prepared you.

I wouldn't have
believed you.

And there's no way
to prepare for this.

What I saw...

you have to
go through that...

every month?

It looks
incredibly painful.

And there's no cure?

I'm trying to find out.

But right now...

no.

How did it
happen to you?

I was in the mountains
with my friend.

And we thought it was
some kind of animal.

And I guess it was, but...

it killed my friend, Stu.

(Whispering):
Oh my God!

And scratched me.

And just a scratch
was enough?

After what you saw,

what I put you though...

I can understand if you
don't wanna be with me.

This is gonna
sound crazy, but...

I felt like I was
finally seeing you.

And now that I know...

Maybe we'll be OK.

Maybe we'll be OK.

(Sighing)

I should get back
to the house.

- Yeah.
- Check on some things.

Is that OK?
I'll come right back.

I'll come back later.
OK.

OK.

(Sighing)

(Door opening and closing)

No, no, no. Get out, get out!
Oh my Go.

We should get cable.

Right.

And paint.

Hell, wallpaper. What's the
landlord gonna say, right?

Exactly.

(Laughing)

(Clears throat)

You two really
shouldn't have done that.

It's not that we didn't
think you could take him.

'Cause I could've.
You know that, right?

I do.

I do.

So how was your night?

This is a conversation
to be had over kale.

(Laughing)

How was your night?

I mean... I mean, God!

Congratulations,
you're free.

Yeah, what
are you gonna do?

I think I wanna
learn krav maga.

I actually can't believe that
you don't already know that.

Do you wanna come?

You could audit, pick up
some skills, fight ghost crime.

I like it. I like it.

Mmm...

- Mmm...
- What are you gonna do?

Oh, now that
I'm here forever?

Look, you don't
know that for sure.

No.

But since I am here...

no more waiting.

I'm gonna do something
with my time.

You know? I mean, maybe
I got closure with Danny,

but I never got closure
with my family, my friends.

So you're just gonna
haunt them, basically?

Basically, yeah.

- Mmm...
- That's what it sounds like.

And we're all gonna be

supernatural krav-maga
crime fighters.

(Laughing)

(Door buzzer)

Did you order
a stripper?

Actually, since our last party
was so rudely interrupted,

I thought it might be fun
to watch you eat pizza.

(Laughing)

Oh God!

This guy.

Hello.

Gegeman.
You're looking well.

I have you
to thank for that.

You've come a long way to
thank me when there was no need.

But there is.

You've saved us
a lot of trouble

by slaying Bishop.

It had to be done.

And you're
honourable. So...

it's time.

I'm sorry?

She wants to meet you.

Aidan...

do not be foolish.

You are the leader now.

Of course
she wants to meet you.

♪ Slip inside
the eye of your mind... ♪.

I just don't
see the point.

You know what
your problem is?

You don't wanna believe
that this is your life.

You are
very much correct.

But it is your life.

So why punish ourselves?
Think about it.

An apartment.
We could have a little yard.

We could barbecue.

- You don't even eat.
- I like the ritual.

It would never work.

You're very negative.

You're very observant.

♪ And so Sally can wait ♪

♪ She knows it's too late ♪

♪ As we're walking on by ♪

♪ Her soul slides away ♪

♪ "But don't
look back in anger" ♪

♪ I heard you say. ♪