Being Human (2008–2013): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Trinity - full transcript

This programme contains some strong language
and scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

- Yesterday was your first blood for how
long? - 55 years. - How did the blood taste?

I was involved tangentially.

You weren't drinking my
blood "tangentially. "

How many times will you bring that up?

Hail!

I love you.

No!

I'm stuck like this? For ever?

That's it. We are finding my body
and I am totally passing over.

And if we need to,



we can make people
disappear in a puff of smoke.

Untie me, you hound! Untie me, bitch!

Lady Catherine.

Lord Hal.

Got my message then?

Message?

I say message, I just allowed
you to discover my whereabouts.

I knew you wouldn't be able to
resist the chance to kill me.

I'm surprised there wasn't a queue.

Ho-ho-ho! But the Werewolf army
would never let their leader

embark on a solo assassination.

Let me guess, you stuffed a
pillow beneath your blanket

and slipped away under
the cover of darkness?

Took me back to my convent days.



Ah.

You could have at least warned
your guards I was coming.

Save me from killing one of them.

It's precisely that
dreary compassion for staff

that would have lost
you this war anyway.

What do you mean, WOULD
have lost me this war?

We need to parley.

This civil war between our clans
has been raging for seven years.

In fact, I believe it is what triggered

the current war on the human world.

Obviously there's
nothing we enjoy more...

.. than a good rough and tumble.

But we have reason to believe
we're being manipulated.

Someone else - something else - is
fanning the flames of this conflict.

So the same thought
has occurred to you too?

But who? Who could do that?

Lady Catherine, we are
not at war with each other,

we are at war with the Devil.

"Death Proof" by Kate Nash

♪ You can spend your life
getting down on one thing

♪ You can waste all
your time on one idea

♪ You can get your little
brain into one big mess

♪ But what you gonna do now,
baby when it all caves in?

♪ Burn, burn Burn my heart, baby

♪ Take a piece cos I
don't need all of it

♪ Don't have time for your cruel ways

♪ And I'm the one
without numbered days cos

♪ I don't have time to die. ♪

This isn't about rehabilitation
anymore. It's vindictive.

Stay in the chair until
you're over the blood lust.

- Come on, it'll make you big and strong.
- I don't mean the chair.

I implore you, put a
screen in front of me.

Give me a blindfold. No-one
should have to look at this.

We could put a cover over your head.

Like how you tell a
budgie it's night time.

Don't look at me!

I can't eat or drink,
so none of this is mine.

Besides, I spent my entire life

cleaning up after my smelly brothers.

So until the moment I pass
over I shall be mostly reading

magazines or watching the
Welsh Rugby Team get changed.

When you go, let me know if
you'd like me to accompany you.

There's some weird people out there.

Says the werewolf spoon-feeding
mashed banana to the vampire.

Look, 10 minutes is all I
ask. Supervised, of course.

Just so I can do a quick
run round with the Hoover

and sort out the recycling!

Please!

This is torture!

If we wanted to torture you, we'd
show you a picture of the bathroom.

The bathroom too?

You people are animals!

What do you reckon? Is he safe?

Well, a few days ago he stopped
shouting abuse and started

correcting my grammar again, so I
guess that's got to be a good sign.

How long does it take for a
vampire to get over the blood lust?

A week? A month?

A year? Who do we ask?

I guess we ask him.

- We're thinking of letting you out.
- Thank you.

Fill a bowl with boiling
water and washing up liquid.

This is a
two-sets-of-Marigolds problem.

Out-out. But it's your call.

- If you're still dangerous, say so now.
- What?

I mean it, Hal. We can wait some more.

Don't let me do this
if you're still a risk.

There must...

be a structure.

First off, you steer clear of
vampires. They're a bad influence.

That goes for all of us. No
more supernatural nonsense.

Agreed.

- And if you drink blood again then...
- You kill me.

I was thinking more
along the lines of a fine.

Drinking blood means I
have become the man I fear.

Drinking blood is the overture
to a greater catastrophe.

You need to swear on something.

On the memory of Eve.

On the memory of Eve.

Right then!

OK, dick-splash, for the last
time, I'm not planning anything.

Don't get me wrong,

I could pull your kidneys out
through your nostrils if I wanted.

But, lucky for you, I'm getting
way too old for this shit.

Hetty, you're the last of the Old Ones,

of course you're planning something.

Malevolence and greed are
hard-wired into your DNA.

Yeah? And your mum's so
fat, her blood type's Ragu.

Besides, who says I'm the last one?

What?

Can I smoke in here?

Hetty.

There's another Old One.

In fact it's cos of him our whole
world domination thing went tits up.

Who?

Hal. A human sympathiser. He
was always kind of skittish.

What if we opened a window?
Seriously, I'm gasping here.

How about this?

You tell me all you can about this Hal

and I'll arrange for an Air Force flight

to return you to Bolivia tomorrow.

Sounds like a plan.

But make sure they've
got some crayons in case

I want to draw some ponies and shit.

Ah! Smell that alpine freshness.

- What's this?
- This, my friends, is peace in our time.

It's OK, I've seen it all
before, it's a cleaning rota.

I've split the domestic duties into
three sub-groups. Tom, Alex and I.

Why's there one for me?
I'll be passing over soon.

Yes, but until then you're
part of this household. Now...

But then you're just going to
have to draw up a whole new rota.

I know. Now...

How are you going to complete
your business and pass over?

Find my body somehow and
get it to my family, I guess.

So they can all grieve and stuff.

Didn't them blokes take it?

Yeah, so we just find out who they are

and then go to the papers or something.

- Well, that's obviously out of the question.
- Why?

We cannot risk werewolves
and vampires and ghosts

being revealed to the world. The
consequences could be catastrophic.

- Column one...
- No, sorry, you of all people don't get to dictate what

we tell my dad and brothers.

What does that mean? Me of all people?

I'm not letting a good man
die of grief just to protect

the fucking Twilight franchise.

We'll discuss this later.

You can discuss it later. With yourself.

That doesn't even make sense.

- Cleaning rota.
- Thank you, Tom.

As you can see, Alex has the
lion's share of the domestic tasks.

Tom and I will take on extra shifts
at the cafe to cover the rent.

Why are you looking at
each other like that?

The cafe.

Tony didn't like us
taking all them shifts off

while you was strapped in the
chair so he sort of sacked us.

On the bright side, you
get to make a new rota.

Not one name!

How am I supposed to get
a five-a-side team together

if no-one signs up, you lazy buggers?

And who forgot to tell me you were
all going to the pub last night?

I bet someone felt
daft when they realised.

Probably just as well.
I was updating my blog.

Those games don't review themselves!

Crumb!

Oh.

Aargh

It's Cram.

What is?

My name. Like the runner. Steve Cram.

He was voted Sports
Personality Of The Year in...

Your position's up for review.

I'm shaking up the whole floor.

Separating the wheat from the boys.

Bringing new blood in, like,

well, I don't know, Gavin.

What, your nephew Gavin?

Is he my nephew?

Well, he's a smart lad.

In my Christmas quiz he
said alopecia was a mountain!

So he doesn't know much
about plants. Big deal.

There'll be a panel.

Which I might be on.

You need to reapply.

For the job I already have?

See, told you.

Problem solved.

People on board a ship that's capsizing

don't use that many exclamation marks.

Oh, my God, do you really think
we could work in a place like this?

Knowing our luck.

No not that one, you stupid bitch!

It's the cushion with
the trim around the edges!

Don't you understand
anything, you ignorant shit?

Captain Hatch?

Perhaps we could use our inside voice

and say "Not today, thank
you," to the expletives.

Oh, Patsy you're absolutely right,
I do apologise. I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Can I help?

Yeah, we're here for the interviews.

Hot.

Sorry?

In here. It's...

It's very hot in here.

Could... Could someone open a window?

I've always wanted to
work in a hotel, ever since

me and my dad snuck into the
Bristol Hilton when I was 14.

We were hunting a vampire called Radley.

Radley? I know Radley.
Big ginger fellow.

- Yeah. - How was
he? - Yeah, good.

Until we killed him obviously.

I'm going to go check
out the competition.

And draw some cocks on the applications.

- Tom McNair?
- Yep.

Kill them. Metaphorically.

When you talk to other vampires,
as even you must from time to time.

How do you account for
your continued anonymity?

Luck,

skill

or humanity's stupidity?

I know you.

In the basement of that
nightclub, a month or so ago.

You took my friend's body. Who are you?

My name is Dominic Rook.

My job is to maintain the
illusion that man is alone

and it has been the job of people
like me for hundreds of years.

By telling me all this

aren't you rather missing the
point of a clandestine organisation?

I have a proposition for you.

You are a rare creature, Hal.

A human sympathiser with an
eminent position in vampire society.

It gives us an opportunity.

If you were to take charge of
the vampires, we could strike

an accord between our two worlds.

Me?

No.

I can't do that.

In exchange for a cessation
of chaos and violence,

we will provide you with per diems,

premises and the means to
acquire blood consensually.

I...

I don't need blood any more.

I've been dry for over 60 years.

You're sweating, Hal.
Your hands are shaking.

What happened to my friend's body?

Offhand, I don't recall.

Some are returned to their families
with an appropriate cover story.

Others, we let the families
create their own narratives.

- But if you were to help me I'm sure I could find...
- No.

No, that's...

Look, I can't return to that world.

I've seen vampires try to
live a human life before.

It always ends in tears.

Incidentally, we've been
monitoring this place.

37 people have committed
suicide here in as many years.

As far as we can tell it's not
werewolf or vampire related.

But if you get the job, keep an eye out.

Perhaps it's the decor.

You can find me here.

The Old Ones are gone, Hal.

The remaining vampires are
rudderless and volatile.

We can mould them
into any shape we wish.

Trust me...

.. you don't want to see a world
where I'm leading the vampires.

So here's my question
for you. How do you shave?

Don't do that.

All right, sorry, Nana.

Sorry again about the crying.

Yeah, no worries.

So, ready for me to pump you?

Um... yes?

Have you any experience

in the hotel trade?

Well, I've stayed in the Savoy.

Brilliant. You're in.

Can't wait to have you.

Here. I mean have you in the hotel.

Working in the hotel.

Yeah, we're both really excited.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

That was your interview? I
had a general knowledge round!

Well, someone's clearly
taken a shine to our Hal.

Is anyone else fast-forwarding

to her ghost living
in the house with us?

What? Oh, come on, that's funny.

OK, can we all just remind ourselves -

I didn't kill you.

We've indulged this myth long enough.

Right, well, A
- you of all people do not get to say

- when my death is "old news" and B...
- Me of all people.

You're doing it again!

I mean, you weren't exactly

an innocent bystander
to it all, were you?

When you asked me out on that date,

you knew exactly what kind of
world you were bringing me into.

You shouldn't be wearing suits and
talking to girls and being charming.

You should have a fucking sign
round your neck and a bell!

You should be living in a cave!

What the hell happened there then?

"Ca Plane Pour Moi" by Plastic Bertrand

♪ Yam, bam, mon chat Splash git sur
mon lit a bouffe tout mon whisky... ♪

For Christ's sake!

♪.. peu dormi, vide, brime
J'ai du dormir dans la gouttiere

♪ Ou j'ai eu un flash

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ En quatre couleurs

♪ Allez hop, un matin une
louloute est venue chez moi

♪ Poupee de cellophane,
cheveux chinois... ♪

HE HISSES

Oh, God no... I'm sorry.

- Wait! I can explain!
- Aaargh!

♪ Comme un Indien dans son igloo

♪ Ca plane pour moi

♪ Ca plane pour moi. ♪

No!

Gahh!

Help me. Please. Help me.

If this is a trick, I shall plunge
this into your calcified heart.

And you wonder why you're single.

Not interrupting, are we?

Yes, actually. I was
reading some ancient texts.

Lady Catherine Glass,
leader of the werewolves.

Emil Parsons, dead wizard.

Necromancer.

I was master of the black
arts. Sorcerer supreme.

Gatekeeper to the forbidden world.

How did you die?

I had to be silenced. I knew too much.

He fell out of a tree trying to see
into his sister-in-law's bathroom.

Emil, we need your help.

We believe this war
between the werewolves

and the vampires is being
exacerbated by the Devil.

He feeds on the energy
created by our conflict.

That doesn't make any sense.

Potassium.

What would happen if
you mixed this with...

Olsiis?

It would blow your pretty head off.

Two chemicals, benign apart,
but when thrust together,

they produce an explosion of energy.

The conflict between the werewolves
and the vampires generates

such an energy, upon which
the Devil feasts and grows fat.

If this power grows unchecked it
will bring about the apocalypse.

We have called a cease-fire.

But it is my belief we need
some kind of spell or ritual

to symbolize our new unity and
defeat the Devil once and for all.

The world teeters on
the brink of calamity.

We face an enemy of
unimaginable cunning and power.

So let's keep cock-ups
to an absolute minimum.

TYRES SCREECH

HE HISSES

- Was that you?
- No.

- Yes.
- What are you doing down here?

Measuring up. I'm
thinking of installing a...

.. sauna.

Down here.

Sorry for yesterday.

Blaming you for my death
when really it was your friend

and all you did was drink my blood.

Why do women do that?

Don't give it another thought.

- What you lot doing down here?
- Hal's building a sauna.

A sauna? Here? That's ridiculous.

Excuse me, weren't you planning to
put a swimming pool in the garden?

I said that cos we'd only just met

and you know as well as I do
I was really making a bomb.

Fine. I'm making a bomb.

Thank you. It's the lying that hurts.

Let's have a look then.

The men that took your body.

One of them approached me yesterday.
He wants me to work for them.

What?

I said no, of course, but not
until I'd found out their location.

Well, this is just numbers.

It's a map reference. Longitude
and latitude. I can find this.

You're sure this is
where Alex's body is?

Who knows. But it's somewhere to start.

You should check it out.

What, aren't you coming?

I can't.

God, heaps to do here. Plus...

they're probably still angry
at me for turning them down.

- I'll go with you.
- Oh, cheers, fella.

I mean, you can't go on
your own, you're a lady.

Put that down.

My name is Hal. It's Ian, isn't it?

I'm sorry, I looked through
your wallet... Ian...?

Cram. Like the runner.

What runner?

Steve Cram. He was
awarded an MBE in 1986.

I did not know that.

Where am I?

This is my home.

I brought you here last night.

Oh, God, have you bummed me?

I haven't bummed you.

You're going to bum me now.

Ian, I have no intention of bumming you.

I brought you here because you
were involved in an accident.

I feel weird. Have you drugged
me? I'm allergic to aspirin.

If you've given me an aspirin
then it's actually murder.

I haven't drugged you.

Your body is going through an
extraordinary transformation.

One I went through many years ago.

You feel nauseous because your
blood pressure has dropped.

Your heart rate is about
one beat per minute now.

But you won't die

because your healing process
has got spectacularly fast.

- I'm thirsty.
- Yes, but you don't want water.

All you've been able to think
about since you awoke is one word

but you don't know why.

If I told you there was
some underneath this floor,

you'd dig through the
concrete with your fingers.

Accept it and I can help
you. But you have to say it.

I don't know what you mean.

In your wallet there's a photo
of a family. Are they yours?

My sister and my niece.

And you love them?

I carry their photo.

When you think about them
now, what comes into your head?

I want to drink them dry.

It's all right. It's all right.

That will fade in time.

You'll remember how to
love someone in time.

What have you done to me?

You're a vampire.

I made you into a
vampire and I'm so sorry.

A vampire?

There's no handle. You probably
need a beepy thing, like on a car.

- I can open it from the other side.
- No, no, no, no.

You don't know what's in there.

It's bound to be alarmed,
probably on a circuit.

We'll have to go home
and get my dad's toolbox

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Get
back! Get back, get back!

Aw, look at your little face.

You think you're dead funny, don't you?

If you was a vampire,
I'd have staked you.

It's a trick.

It's not a trick.

Vampires were born out
of a pact with the Devil.

He gets our souls and, to remind
us, he takes our reflections.

We call it Old Nick's Wink.

I don't believe in the Devil.

I'm not sure I did until I met him.

What are you doing?

I need to find somewhere to
put you for the next few weeks.

The next few weeks?
But I never miss work.

They'll be worried sick.

Most days I'm there to unlock
the doors for the cleaners.

You won't be able to manage the hunger.

- I'll take some blood in a Thermos.
- Listen to me.

You're a different species now.

This isn't just a
craving, it's cellular.

Why did you do this to me?

I'll be back soon.

Why don't I look and
you have a sit down?

OK, Tom, we're going to have
this conversation. Can you please

stop treating me like I'm made
of glass or cobwebs or something?

All right? I'm dead.

My health and wellbeing has
pretty much bottomed out.

So what am I supposed to do?

I don't know, just
treat me like an equal.

- Treat me like a bloke.
- But you're a lady.

And me dad taught me
how to treat ladies.

Always be polite and courteous,

if a lady came in the room, you
stood up and took off any hats

and if it was a
vampire, you staked them.

And I'm sure that growing up in
the paramilitary wing of the Amish

had many plusses but
I find it patronising.

Here we go.

I've found me.

It says I've gone.

"Carcass... "
- nice. ".. returned to family. "

They've already got me.

The Home Secretary will see you now.

There's no easy way to
say this so I'll be blunt.

Your department is to be dissolved,

- its responsibilities handed to Special Branch.
- What?

But you can't. Our work is essential.

Your work is clandestine, unregulated

and eye-wateringly expensive.

Three months should be enough
to decommission the archive

and prepare for succession.

But what about our tenants? They're
too dangerous to simply release.

Well, what does one usually do with
diseased and dangerous livestock?

Giles?

Could you ask them to
bring my car around?

You and your ilk may have
been around since Cromwell

but nothing is sacred these days.

Defence, health, education,

everyone's felt the swish of the knife.

See, it's part of a wider
initiative called PVU -

Placing Value Uppermost.

Alistair, please.

Oh, don't worry, we'll
find you something.

In fact, I'll talk to
Tim in Agriculture...

This isn't about my career!

These are monsters!

You can't just let them run
wild, without supervision,

without restraint!

They're time-bombs!

Dominic, please. Control yourself.

I'm begging you.

Don't do this.

It's done.

Then God help us all.

I drowned, according to this.

Walking along the canal bank.

I slipped and fell. No
sign of struggle or trauma.

Just a random, stupid accident.

I was buried.

Christ, three weeks ago!

"In a private service
attended by family and friends.

"Alex's father, Brendan said,
'Alex was beautiful in every sense.

" 'We will never forget

" 'her strength, kindness
and determination.

" 'She lit up our lives and
we will miss her so much. ' "

They've started getting
better without me.

I thought that I would take my body
back to them and all this would end.

But it's already happened
and they're talking about me

in the past tense and I'm still here.

You've got us.

I don't want you!

I want to taste food again
and someone's kiss, you know?

I want to have sex and a hangover.

I want to take off these fucking boots!

At least you've had a life.
This is all I've ever known.

But you can still love someone.

You can eat cake.

And after that? A family?

Most parents worry about
messing their kids up.

I'm worried about eating mine.

Oh, this world sucks.

Even with super powers.

I'm sorry if the way I
speak to you is annoying.

It's just what my dad
would expect me to do.

And that keeps him alive in
my mind. Makes me feel safe.

You're an excellent person, Thomas.

I just need to remember that.

No opening doors though, eh?

Well I mean, if I'm
carrying something then...

THUD!

- Who are you?
- Don't hurt me!

What's he doing down here?

The other one put me here.

- Tom, he can see me.
- He's a vampire.

Oh, not you as well. That's
what the other one... Hal?

- That's what he said.
- Hal put you down here?

He attacked me last
night. I woke up here.

He said he'd turned me into a vampire
and then tied me to the radiator.

Please, just let me
go. I won't tell anyone.

He says I have to stay here for weeks.

We made a deal.

He swore on Eve's bib.
He said it was over.

What do we do?

Like I said. We made a deal.

You're not like him are you?

I can't put my finger on it.

What are you?

A werewolf.

Fancy.

Tom, wait. What do we do with him?

Please let me go. I don't
understand what you want from me.

We don't want anything from you.

It's just that, the thing you are now,

you might hurt someone.

I've never hurt anyone in my life!

I have pets, I keep newts.

Oh, God, my newts!

Hal says it twists your mind.

Hal says, Hal says!
Are you scared of him?

No, of course not.

Well, I am. How long's he
normally keep people down here?

I don't know.

This is new.

What?

But I'm sure he won't hurt you.

How sure?

60%.

65.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

But he doesn't just hurt people.

You said he doesn't normally
just lock them in cellars!

60%.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

It's just if, if
something was to happen...

You have no right to
put me in this danger!

I have friends and a family and a job!

You can't just steal that from me.

It's OK, I'm here!

Gav?

What's going on, mate?

Crumb! Where the hell have you been?

It's Cram, actually, like the...

The state of you!

You can't turn up looking like that.

Christ, is that blood?

Oh, yeah, I got hit by a car.

Well, thank God we've got
Gavin is all I can say.

He's a whirlwind, that boy. Formula One.

Oh, no, no. I'm going
to have to let you go.

Turning up late is one
thing but covered in blood?

Well, that's a different
kettle of ball games.

OK.

But I warn you,

if I go, everyone goes.

We're not just work mates, we're family.

Isn't that right, guys?

Tom. Oh, God.

GROANING

First, blood of the vampire.

Next, blood of the wolf.

MOANING

Remind me, what will this do?

I shall summon the Devil

by telling him that the vampire

and werewolf armies are battling here.

He'll come to warm his hands
on the fire of your conflict.

You're going to bring the Devil here?

Not frightened are you, Lord Hal?

Hardly. I've met your mother.

When are you due one of
your periods of being nice?

Not for ages, thankfully.
They're dreadfully dull.

You haven't tried it with me.

Ahem.

Sorry. You were saying?

- Tell me why I shouldn't kill you.
- It's not what do you think.

So tell us.

He saw me manifest.

He ran away and was hit by a car.

He was dying. I recruited
him to save his life.

But you didn't inhale

- I swore on Eve's...
- Don't say her name!

- You don't get to say her name again.
- Do I look like I've fed recently?

Why did you turn him into
a vampire, why not just...

Why not just let him slip away?

Because I couldn't stand
by and watch another death.

I couldn't let what
happened to you happen again.

You should have told us.

Look we can discuss this later,

first we have to decide
what to do with him.

It might seem strange and inhumane

- but the best thing is to keep him here.
- Agreed.

Oh.

- What?
- Nothing.

Please say you haven't let him go.

I think short hair really suits you.

But he's a predator!

He's only been a vampire
for about seventeen hours!

How was I supposed to know?

I should have left a
clue, like, I don't know,

locking him in a cellar and
tying him to a fucking radiator!

I hate to say it but Hal's right.

Thingy won't be able to control himself.

You should have said something!

I'm new to all this and I'm still
very traumatised and all that jazz.

I was upset!

We have to find him.

After that you do
whatever you think is best.

I won't stop you.

But we must find him first.

The Devil has no form of his own

so will possess the
nearest human vessel.

This is a local madman.

He shall be the conduit for the Devil.

But when he realises it's a trap,
won't his spirit just flee again?

We perform the blood ritual, which
will trap him in the maniac's body.

Ah! And then we kill him!

Yes, I remember that bit.

Wonderful. Can I now get back to
summoning the Antichrist, please?

THUNDER CRASHES

Look.

He's here.

Look.

He's here.

SLURPING

Tell you what, being a vampire
don't half give you an appetite.

It won't last. The hunger will fade.

You'll come out of this and
when you remember what you did,

it will devastate you.

Maybe I'll stay in here for ever.

I like it here. You should
see the stuff that's going on.

I'm going to leave such
a boot-print on the world.

Then I'll have to kill you.

And you'll be back to square one.

All the nasty stuff has
to go somewhere, Hal.

MUFFLED SCREAMS

Argh! Aaargh! Aaargh!

We have to do it now!

MENACING GROWL

Emil, quickly! Before he
flees the maniac's body!

When I was a kid, there was this boy.

He hit me.

He hit everyone but I got it the worst.

God knows why, I was hardly a threat.

I wasn't popular or funny.

In PE, when they were picking teams,

even Barney Thomas got picked before
me and he wore a built-up shoe.

But that was the problem.

I disgusted him.

Because he was just a
hair's breadth from being me.

I was everything he was frightened of.

If there's one thing I
know about, it's bullies.

You took everything you
hated and put it in one place.

You need someone like
me to be the bad man

so you don't have to.

So let's end this once and for all.

What?

The Trinity of the Bloods
shall imprison you in that body!

IT LAUGHS

Catherine?

For God's sake, you didn't
use your own blood, did you?

How could I ask one of my men
to do something I would not?

Damn you, Hal!

Now it's not a true trinity!

It won't destroy him,
it'll merely weaken him!

IT LAUGHS

500 years of murder and
torment. Round and round we go.

Hal, wait! What are you doing?

Evil doesn't die, it
just passes like a parcel,

from year to year, body to body.

Emil, do something! She
can't take much more!

EMIL RECITES AN INCANTATION

IT MOANS

IT LAUGHS

EMIL CONTINUES

Hal, don't let the Devil escape!

But I survive. I live on while good
people die around me. Heroes die.

Grab your coat, Ian, we're leaving.

Because I've seen how this ends.

Don't!

Stand down. It's all right.

- What are you doing?
- Something we're about to regret.

Don't you see, I'm his
future and he's mine.

So you need something to stay
good for. We're giving it to you.

From now on, everything you do,
we're responsible. So if you can't

- think of any other reason...
- Then for fuck's sake stay good for that.

- Why? Why are you doing this?
- We're all equally responsible for this.

And you're the only one who knows
how to work the immersion heater.

Now what do we do about him?

- We'll take care of that.

I want you in police uniforms.
We're using Scenario Four.

Evacuate the neighbouring offices
then seal the main entrance.

This is a lock-down.

Another dirty race is the Mexicans.
Are there any in the kitchen?

They spit in the food, you know.

It's like Clarkson says.

Where's the bloody milk?

- Oh! - I'm so sorry!
- Look what you've done!

- I'll be right back, I'm so sorry.
- You stupid bitch!

Stupid whore. Stupid shit of a girl!

You stole my death.

You're in my sights now, pal.

One day I'm going to watch you die.

Come on, guys, let's go home.

Hal! Hal!

Round and round in
circles, like you said.

This is where you'll end up -

on a pile of bodies with a hard-on.

As sure as eggs is eggs.

I'm so sorry, Captain, if you
just take your cardigan off

Oh, these things happen.

And just to show
there's no hard feelings,

I'd like to share a
little secret with you.

Come closer. I'll whisper it.

I'll whisper it. It'll tickle you.

INDISTINCT

Hello, Martin.

I'm sure you'd like an
explanation for what happened here.

Preliminary tests indicate
that your colleague Ian

had taken a cocktail
of hallucinogenic drugs.

Drugs, eh?

Then I must have had some an' all.

He had bloody fangs, mate,
and eyes as black as your cat.

One of the side-effects of the drugs...

I'm taking this to the papers.

In which case, we would be
compelled to issue a gagging order.

That bastard killed my nephew.

Smashing lad, he was.

Brains like a brick shithouse.

Oh, no, no, no.

I am going to be a thorn in your shoe.

A spanner in your side.

I'm taking this right to the top.

I liked that pen.

Well, Mr Cram...

.. someone certainly
hit the ground running.

It's Crumb.

I'm sorry?

That's what they used to call me.

I like it now.

The Crumb that choked the world.

It's rather clever, isn't it?

They ignored me and patronised me.

Now they'll dream about me
for the rest of their lives.

I'm the world's worst nightmare.

The victim who gets super powers.

Mr Cra... Crumb.

You've just given me an idea.

God forbid you have a shirt with
a button on it like regular people.

Tell your family what happened.

And let them tell the world
we are a shameful secret.

Perhaps one that shouldn't
be protected any longer.

I don't know.

Seeing that guy in the office and
how scared all those people were,

I'm not sure I want to tell the world

there are monsters under the bed.

And what about your unfinished business?

Must be something else.

I just hope it's not
blowing up any babies.

- Too soon?
- A little?

OK.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

.. that, like it or not,
this is my world now.

Welcome.

- Welcome?
- I panicked.

What Tom is trying to say is

it's a world in which we've
spent the majority of our lives.

As you explore it,
we'll be by your side.

Right.

You're good to go.

Find me that bastard Devil.

Everything all right, Captain?

- Where's Sophie?
- I'm not sure.

I think she had some news
and decided to slip away.

DISTANT SIRENS

What on earth? Sorry, Captain.

Oh, you carry on, my love. I'm fine.

In fact, I haven't felt
this good for years.

SCREAMING

I think the house is haunted.

Do you want to play with me?

Your hour approaches, Mr Crumb.

I'm sorry about him. He's new.

And an idiot.

- Yeah, you're the boss.
- Tom!

I'm sorry, Alex.

SCREAMING

Ssh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd