Being Human (2008–2013): Season 4, Episode 6 - Puppy Love - full transcript

- Oh, I can't chat them up. I'll kill them
- Have you even been with a woman?

Virginity is like a flower.
You don't just pluck it for anyone.

It's all just a story.

And what about the Old Ones?
Is that just a story, too?

What happens when they get here?

Let 'em come. We can take 'em.

Kill the baby.

The nemesis has a burnt arm.

What, and that's it?

If you see a scary man
with a burnt arm, run away!

CCTV of the alley shows the arrest
and the, um, bite.



Why run about kicking imaginary
enemies unless you're plastered?

He's the only one in the alley.

Hope you'll give me a call.

I'm a friend when you need one.

There are good vampires out there,
and I hope, one day, you realise that.

Thomas...you're about to become
very, very famous.

♪ I've got monsters... ♪

♪..How about you?

♪ Was born a monster

♪ Do you hide your monsters, too?

♪ Now everybody else in here

♪ What has become of you?

♪ I've got monsters... ♪

♪...How about you? ♪



What do you think?

I've organised the eggs
in order of size.

Smallest to largest.

And I've disinfected the cutlery.

I've sealed the pans with olive oil

and made sure all of the chairs are
stable with the same length legs.

- Right, brilliant.
- So, what next?

Er...

Organise the sugar sachets?

Demerara, white, sweetener.

The smoke alarms?

Oh, come on, you have met me.

- Ain't you bored of this?
- How could I get bored?!

Routines, rotas -
they liberate me from temptation.

"Keep busy, keep sane" -
that's what Leo used to say.

And now that I have to be
around people,

I need this, more than ever.

In fact...

I was hoping you might be able
to help me.

Leo's role in my rehabilitation
was essential.

And with him gone...

I have no-one to set the tasks I need
to keep me safe, so, I was wondering if...

...perhaps...

...you could pick up
where he left off?

You want me to...what?

- Be like the new Leo?
- Well, no-one could ever replace Leo.

But perhaps you could perform
a similar role.

I think I'd be honoured, mate.

I think he would be, too.

The toilets need cleaned.

But don't take the piss.

- What?
- Her. Over there.

Do you think she's a vampire?

Smells more like a werewolf.

Hello!

Can I help you?

Hey!

That is the weirdest...run!

Ah!

I just want to talk to you.

- What is that?!
- Rape alarm. Stay back!

We're not going to rape you.

- What?
- Not that you're not nice or owt.

He's the same as you!

I can't hear you.

We're both werewolves!

How depressingly predictable.

So, I started by looking for open
spaces,

away from big conurbations
where it might be safe to transform.

And I cross-referenced those

to the reports of animal attacks during
full moon from the Forestry Commission.

And I found the highest prevalence
was here, Scotland and Cornwall.

- Now, obviously, the werewolf video...
- The what?

Exactly.
...was filmed in some sort of warehouse.

And considering
Wales's history of industrialisation,

I felt this was the best place
to begin.

Right.

I circulated your screen grab
to a number of temping agencies

specialising in low-paid shift work,

as that's unfortunately
where we tend to end up.

But it was only by complete chance
that I approached your cafe,

intending to check my e-mails,

and recognised you.
Oh! I'm Allison, by the way.

- Tom.
- With an "H"?

- With a "T"
- But... Not T-H?

- O-M?
- No.

Bet you can't spell my name.

- A-L-I...
- Uh-uh!

Next!

A- L-Y...

Uh-uh!

A- L-L-I-S-O-N.

- That's unusual.
- Tak!

Tak.

Norwegian.

- Oh.
- Where was I?

Obviously I didn't want
to approach straight away.

I didn't know what sort of idiot
exposes himself on YouTube like that.

I thought I'd perform
a little surveillance first.

But that's when you blew my cover!

So, what sort of idiot does expose
themselves on YouTube like that?

Here we go. It's grainy, but I managed
to enhance your image on Photoshop.

It's me.

And George.

You mean...you didn't know
about this?

It was a trap. We didn't know
they were filming.

Oh, but...it's had over
a million hits.

FX Fail?

As in...special effects.

Thankfully, most people think
it's a fake.

- "Hairy balls LOL"?
- Well, this was just the start!

You know we trended last full moon?

On...Twitter.

There's a Facebook group

- trying to hunt us down!
- Facebook?

Don't tell me you're still
on MySpace?

We're more Ceefax people.

Um...

I'm gonna go and check on Eve. E-V-E.

She's the child of two werewolves.

Beasts mauling homeless people on the news -
the Box Tunnel Cannibal.

It's like someone's trying to blow
the lid on the existence of werewolves.

Who?

You tell us.

Vampires have been keeping this
secret for centuries.

You're not doing a very good job
of it at the moment.

Hal's not really in with
the whole vampire scene any more.

- Really?
- No!

Well, er...
then you'll have to forgive me.

I know what vampires
are supposedly like,

but far be it from me to tar
a whole species with the same brush.

Paxies?

Goodness.

- This is a long handshake.
- Ssh!

I'm thinking.

Maybe you could go undercover!

I don't think that's a good idea.

And make a few subtle enquiries
over a pint of blood?

I've... I've got to get back to work.

- Teaspoons need polishing.
- Wh...?

Where's he going?!

This is important!

If people find out about the existence
of vampires, werewolves and ghosts,

there'll be riots.
There'll be lynchings!

It'll be like the tuition fees march
all over again!

Don't you worry. If this has got
owt to do with vampires,

I know exactly where to look.

You're going to have so much
to answer for.

Look, the Old Ones won't arrive
for a few weeks.

Leave your number, go back
to your Clark Kents and I'll call.

Look, there's no room at the inn.
Kindly sod off.

The last time somebody spoke to me
like that,

I used their skin as a Filofax cover.

God, I miss the '80s!

- Who are you?
- Golda.

UK Operations.

That's Kane, my personal trainer,
and Piot.

He can't talk. I accidentally bit his tongue out
during one of our little games,

didn't I? Yes, I did, yes, I did.

- Naughty Mummy and her appetites.
- Shit happens. Life's a contact sport.

If you can't stand the heat,
stay inside on bonfire night.

- What?
- He likes action films, don't ask.

Mummy's talking.
Go and unpack the toys.

I take it you've got everything
saved.

Um, you leave that alone!

You touch her,
I'll have to touch you.

No, not like that.

I meant with shock.

And awe.

- Look, Griffin left me in charge.
- No! Griffin died.

You are clearly not qualified to oversee
an operation of this magnitude,

so I'll be assuming control.

- Everything's under control!
- Really?!

So, you have cars to move the Old
Ones around the country?

Hotels booked?

Concubines?

I've got something much better
than that!

Ha-ha! Let me guess...bunting!

Look, I've met this werewolf...

There are dogs here?

Yeah.

We could stage a little dog fight
to welcome them.

- No, you don't understand. This is...
- Write that down.

Cage, human, prosecco.

I had a cage fight
with a werewolf once.

Let's just say Rover won't be
competing in Crufts this year.

Look...

..I need him for something else.

There is no "something else".

There is only what I want.

And I want that werewolf.

Now, if you want to keep me happy,
and I suggest you do,

you'll bring him to me.

Then I'll have a think about whether
you get to meet the Old Ones or not.

Hello, hello!

Sssh!

Peekaboo!

Peekaboo!

Oh, Eve, come on, shush.

That's enough now. Oh!

I am supposed to be your protector,
not your teething ring.

Oh!

OK, just stop crying.

It might be social services again.
Ssh!

Open this door,
or I'll knock it down!

I'm going to shut that baby up
once and for all!

The Old Ones!
They'd have to be invited in.

Right... I'm gonna take a run-up.

- We'll see about that.
- Three...

- two...
- Wax on, wax off.

- ...one!
- Bring it on.

Yaaaah! Argh!

Come on, mothersucker!

Show me those fangs!

What the bloody hell
do you think you're doing?

Er...

Ooh!

Oh, shit!

I want a red carpet from
the waterfront to the warehouse,

so pace that out
and give the measurements to Kane.

- How do we know they're vampires?
- This is where I rescued Eve.

And I can smell 'em.

- Quick, she's leaving!
- No, no! One at a time's better.

It gives us a chance
to hone our arguments.

What are we going to say?

Whoa! What do you think
you're doing?!

Don't worry. I'll do all the staking.

You are joking, right?!

Right, you ask them
about the video first,

and then I'll stake 'em.

Tom! That's murder!

Like my dad used to say -
you can't kill what's already dead.

We're not staking anyone!

If you resort to violence,
you've already lost.

You don't know what they're like!

And you don't know
what my debating skills are like.

What does that say?

"School debating champion".

And I had to argue pro fossil fuels.

What about that one?

"County moot first place".

"This house believes that GM crops are the answer
to world famine" - not any more!

Er, "National Championship
runner-up".

That was because my partner
had an asthma attack.

If you think you can argue me down,
you're wasting your breath.

Allison, Allison!

Excuse me, sir!

- Stay here, he might get reinforcements.
- We just want to talk to you!

We have seen your news and video campaign and,
on behalf of all supernaturals,

we ask you to consider
the potential repercussions.

You have nothing to fear from us.

But fear this...exposure!

First the werewolves, maybe the ghosts,
but the vampires will surely follow.

Of course, we'd all like
to be out and proud,

but do you really think humanity
is ready for that?

I think you should be quiet now,
Allison.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise
you were the chairperson

Argh!

Allison, are you OK?

- Where did he go?
- I don't know, that's what happens.

Don't worry, you're safe now.

Get off me!

You killed him!

- Well, he was going to kill you.
- You don't know that!

You didn't give me
a chance to speak to him.

- I thought you'd be grateful!
- Grateful?!

What did we learn?

We don't even know
if he's the one behind this all.

- Oh...
- Where are you going?

To find someone who can help me without sticking
a stake through someone's heart!

Allison, wait a minute, please!
Allison?

I might know someone we can speak to.

Where are they taking me?

To the morgue, I think.

Natural causes, my eye!

I had £6.70 in that cardie!

Look, I know that this is
a lot to take in,

but I'm going to help you
get through this.

Too bloody right you are.
It's all your fault!

Yes, I know! And I am really,
really, really sorry about that.

Ah, you admit it!

Well, I expect some decent compo
out of this.

No. No, you don't understand.
It's like I was saying...

We don't really exist
in this world any more.

How the bloody hell
are you gonna help me, then?!

Well, um, I'm going to help you solve
your unfinished business.

My what?

It's why you're still here.

You know, something that you were
supposed to do while you were alive

but you didn't, because...

Well, because I robbed you
of the chance to do so.

And it could be anything.
It could be, um...

reuniting with family.

Or, um, maybe righting some wrongs.

Or seeing a sunset for the last time.
Anything,

but whatever it is, I promise you,
I'm going to be right by your side,

no matter how long it takes.

Because that is the least I owe you.

Could be anything, you say?

So, how did you two find each other?

- Wolf whistle? Lychic connection?
- I started by looking

for open spaces,
away from big conurbations,

- where it might be safe to transform.
- It don't matter, honestly.

And you're planning on sticking
around for a while?

- Well, I can't exactly go home, can I?
- Why not?

Who wants a werewolf for a daughter?

I don't belong there any more.

Anyway, thank you for inviting us
to your chambers.

Actually, I was hoping to study law
myself.

What, you want to be a lawyer?

Well, barrister.

But a university campus is out of the question,
unfortunately.

Well, you ever need
some work experience...

Thanks!

So...YouTube.

Tom said you might be the man to explain
how this stuff is getting out there?

This is actually
the first I've heard about it.

Saying that...

Look, I shouldn't really
be telling you this.

I mean, it's pretty hard-core
vampire politics.

But for years, vampires like me have been
fighting to keep us all under the radar.

And recently, there's been this...

minority who seem keen to get
you guys out in the open.

- Why?
- I don't know.

It would be a disaster for us all.

But since the whole Box Tunnel
fiasco, things are kind of splintered.

A lot of the extremists
have gravitated here, to Barry.

That was probably one of them
you took out on the docks.

The ringleader is a woman called
Golda, but she's got protection,

so there's not much I can do
on my own.

But if you, Tom McNair,
vampire slayer, could get involved...

Vampire slayer?!

How many vampires have you...slain?!

Ooh, um...

Three or four...

..dozen.

And you're condoning this?!

- Well, we can't exactly go to Ofcom.
- Mr Cutler,

I am surprised at you!

- A man of the Bar!
- Look, Allison,

laws don't apply here.

Courts, police, it's all irrelevant.
Isn't that right, Tom?

You saw what he was going to do
to you at the docks.

But you can't just go around
killing people!

That's not what normal people do.

Yeah, well, we're not normal people,
are we? We're werewolves!

If we don't stop these guys,
who will?

It's a war. We're all soldiers.

We've got to pick a side.

They're probably out looking for you
at the docks at the moment.

But I work out a way to get to them first,
do you think you can do your thing?

Allison?

OK.

But only...

if...

you teach me how to do it, too.

OK.

♪ I got so many thing to do, I...

♪ I got work to do...

♪ I got work, baby

♪ I gotta do

♪ I, I, I got work to do... ♪

Apologies.

- I didn't... I didn't hear you.
- No worries. It's nice to... Shit!

- I'm so sorry, I didn't mean...
- It's OK!

I was about to call
for something else to do,

but you've saved me the trouble.

But what can I get you first?

Ah, five teas, please.

I'll have a shot of whatever
you're on, too!

No drugs.

No Kia-Ora.

Just good, old-fashioned hard work
and routine.

So, er...

Just passing through, are you?

- No, I'm on holiday.
- Here?!

- Mm.
- I'm so sorry.

I've got three little brothers,
it's cheap,

there's not much left
for them to vandalise.

One of them got pissed
and fell out of a dinghy,

so I had to wade into the sea,
hence the muddy feet.

Let's hope it's just mud.

So, what are you driving?

Excuse me?

Three brothers and a dad like mine,

there's not a man on this Earth
I can't talk to!

OK, scratch the driving.

Right, check this out.

The pepper's the goalkeeper.

And then the ketchup's
the last defender.

Then there's the salt...

On or offside?

I don't really follow the rugby.

OK.

You want the big guns, then.

Pull my finger.

Look, I'm sorry. Um...

I think I may have misled you.

I was just being friendly.

Same here!

So, um, you've got a girlfriend,
then?

No.

Boyfriend?

No.

Ah, you're religious.

Hence your weird blend of happiness
and sexual repression.

No.

Oh.

Oh, you just...
You just don't fancy me.

No, it's all right,
you don't have to answer that.

Thank you for...for the teas.

Just...

It was nice to meet you.

Clearly

We could go down the Legion!

Put laxative in the Guinness.

Are you sure there isn't a wife or some kids
that you want to get in touch with?

Or...

we could pay a visit to those
noisy little pricks over the road.

They should be home from school
in a minute.

- Shit them right up.
- Emrys!

What?! We're ghosts.

- We could do whatever we want.
- No, we can't!

Why not?

Hey! Hey, guys! Gosh, how's it going?

Well, what an eventful day!

- After we left...
- No news, really.

- What about you?
- No,

no, very dull. Nothing remotely
interesting has happened here.

- Who were you talking to?
- Me?

Talking to, just now?

- Is that what you're asking me?
- Mm.

A ghost.

But he's very boring,
so don't talk to him,

don't ask him anything,
especially not about how he died.

Yeah.

- We should go.
- Yes. Yes, up them stairs, go for it.

I wish I could come with you.
Sounds a bit weird.

- Yeah.
- OK!

Off you go!

See you later.

It's probably best not to mention
the whole killing thing to Annie.

Say no more.

First rule of chess club!

What's all this?

Oh, just some rubbish
the man who used to live here put up.

I forgot to take 'em down.

You know...

That was a pretty convincing argument
you made.

- Back in the office.
- Really?

A bit rough around the edges...

You could've drawn me in more,

wrong-footed me with a rhetorical
question, hit me with a metaphor.

But...you've got potential.

I could...

I could help you!

If you like?

This could work both ways.
Like...revision buddies!

OK.

So...where do we start?

♪ And they called it puppy love

♪ Oh, I guess they'll never know

♪ How a young heart really feels

♪ And why I love her so

♪ And they called it puppy love

♪ Just because
we're in our teens... ♪

So I put it to you
that vampires and werewolves

can co-exist
in relative peace and harmony.

All in favour of the motion?

♪..Take away my only dream

♪ I cry each night

♪ My tears for you

♪ My tears... ♪

If we lived on other planets,

do you think the moon
would still affect us?

If we lived on the moon, do you think
we could be werewolves all the time?

- Forecast's good this evening.
- Cheers, mate.

You could get me to jog
behind your bike again.

I can't, Allison's taking me out.

How's the investigation going?
Any leads? I was thinking...

now that you're helping me get my
cravings in check, I could help you.

It's a good way for me and Allison
to...hang around together.

Alone.

- You understand, don't you?
- Of course, of course.

So, you're officially courting now?

Well, I don't know.
It's fun, training and that, but...

we ain't even held hands yet.

Then it is time
to declare your intentions!

First, write her a poem.

Then speak to her father.

Annie said I should just get drunk
and try and snog her.

It's all so brutish these days!

I preferred the dowry system.

Yeah.

Girls are brilliant.

You should get back out there.

We both know the dangers
if that happens.

No, it's the opposite. The last thing
you want to do is kill them.

And you've got all your routines.

- They only work so far.
- You don't know that.

I put it to you - you're a good man
with myriad years of self-control.

Enough with the debating!

Hi.

Hi. Can I help?

Yeah, I was actually looking for a guy
that was working in here the other day?

- Posh, bit weird.
- Hal? Yeah, he's just...

Is he in today?

Yes.

Ahh...! No.

Maybe later.

Right, well, could you maybe get him
to give me a call?

Yep, and what, can I ask,
is it about?

Oh, we just got chatting
and I kinda thought we hit it off,

even if he wasn't so sure.

What are you doing later? Ahh...!

Because he's coming out
with me and my girlfriend.

- You could come, too.
- Oh, really?

Yeah. He mentioned you, in fact.

Aled.

Alex.

- Yep.
- But he's not on...

day release, or anything like that,
is he?

Like I said, he was...kind of odd.

Nah, he's just a bit shy, that's all.
I'll get him to give you a ring later...

- Arrange where to meet up.
- Cool.

Well, um, see you later, then.

Bye, Hal.

- What do you think you're doing?
- It'll be brilliant!

We can be each other's wing men.

You can help me tell Allison
that I "like her" like her.

And I...

Can stop me from ripping
Aled's throat out.

Yeah.

Allison.

Who are you?

OK, I'm sorry, I should've explained.
Everybody, this is Emrys.

- I... killed him.
- What?

- She killed me.
- Accidentally, yes.

He was watching me!

- I'll slap that grin off your face!
- Hey!

- You said I was invisible!
- No, not to other supernaturals.

- What's she, then?
- Werewolf.

- Explains the growling.
- Oh!

No, look, it's fine.
I'm all over this.

We just need to figure out
his unfinished business

and then move him on.

Haunting our bathroom?

Of course not.

Unfinished business is something good
and something righteous.

Who says?

I knew a ghost whose unfinished
business was to castrate her brother-in-law.

- Ooh!
- Something inappropriate.

So, it could be anything.

See?

No. No, I refuse to believe that.

Why?

Well, I'm still here,
aren't I?

And when my time comes,
it will be to do something good.

Look, I know you want to get rid
of me, Annie.

- No, I don't...
- And maybe I do know what my...

unfinished business is.

- Really?
- What, then?

Well...

I didn't mean to scare anyone.

And I think the reason
I'm still, you know...

curious about women...

And this isn't easy for me to say.

It's because...

I've never been kissed.

What?

- When I was alive, like.
- Really?! Never, ever?

In your whole life?

- It's not that unbelievable.
- I could imagine.

- We've all had dry spells.
- I tried.

God, I tried!

Even came close,
well, a couple of times.

I know I'm a grumpy old sod,

but it's hard being nice, when...

all you're used to is...

knock-backs.

Go to the bingo, wait for
one of the old ladies to die.

Actually, I was hoping
for a younger model.

Annie?

Oh!

I understand if you don't want to.
I mean...

you're a powerful young woman
and I'm...

just an old man, who...

can't even defend himself.

Probably get it wrong anyway.

No, no, no.

No, I, um...

It's my fault that
we're in this situation. So, um...

Yeah. And kissing is a nice thing.
It's a lovely thing.

Right.

Good.

Ahem.

OK. No tongues. OK?

Emrys...

Did it work?

You said you weren't married.

Shithole.

She paid for this out of
the divorce settlement, you know.

This has got to be it!

Why did you guys split up?

She ran off with her piano teacher.

And you never came to terms with it.
Of course.

Right, OK, so you have to tell her
that you're still in love with her.

- I don't even like her!
- Emrys!

She hasn't aged well.

Dodged a bullet there, I think.

- Just saying.
- Tell her.

Lesley...

- Her name's Lesley.
- Great.

Lesley...

I know we've had our ups and downs.

Mostly downs.

But I've been told I still have...

..feelings for you.

I thought it was hatred, bitterness,
resentment,

but apparently, it's all because I...

..I still love you.

And I forgive you for running off
with Gwyn.

Ah, hello, dear.

Wanker.

Ah!

Emrys, look.

Your door.

Will I see you again?

On the other side, like?

Hope so.

Thank you.

Annie?

Annie?

Is this how it's supposed to be?

Why are you putting me in a cupboard?

I don't think she's going
to turn up, so I should go.

- It's only five past.
- Hal, listen...

Tom told me that you haven't had much
female contact over the last few decades,

but you just need to relax!

Pretend Tom and I are a couple.
That'll lower her defences

and then you can move in
for the kill!

Hal, I've found these matches and some of them
are the wrong way round.

We'll soon see about that!

Calms him down.
I knew he'd get like this.

Hi.

Alex.

Hello!

Thanks for coming!

You've already met my house
and workmate, Tom.

This is his girlfriend,

- Allison.
- Lovely to meet you!

We always wondered what it would take
to pin this one down.

Right, so, um...
Which bar are we going to?

Bar? Who needs a bar
with this bad boy in town?

A museum.

Oh, but it's fine,
cos there's a bar in there, yeah?

If by "bar" you mean "tea shop"!

Show her the badge.

Tom!

Free entry to hundreds of attractions
and museums all over the country.

Cool

Come on, then.

So is this your thing, then?

- Museums?
- Yes.

Romantic.

And educational.

I suppose it's cheaper than Rohypnol.

No, they will not be happy
in a Travelodge.

What part of "four stars or more"
don't you understand?

What's that?

Peace offering?

Wait. Could be drugged.

A shaman once told me I have
the constitution of an armadillo.

It's clean.

- Why the change of heart?
- I need your help.

The werewolf I was telling you about
is hiding out in a warehouse near the docks.

That's probably what happened
to your other gimp.

Noo-ooo-ooo-ooo!

All right, darling.

Poor bastard.

Took one for the team.

I don't think I can get him
on my own,

so I was wondering
if I could borrow Kane.

We'll share the credit
in front of the Old Ones.

No.

But you wanted a dog.

I don't see why you have to be
involved at all.

- It's my idea.
- Was.

You can get me a lickle werewolf,
can't you?

I'll get you a unicorn
if you want it, baby.

Hey, that's not fair!

Complain to your line manager.
Oh, hang on! I think that's me.

Allison.

While we're out,

- I just want to tell you that I like you.
- Oh, yeah, I like you too, Tom!

Keep it going. He looks like he could
use all the help he can get.

What are you doing?

You're not supposed to leave me
alone with her.

You're supposed to be feeding me
lines.

When they say housemates, they do
have separate bedrooms, don't they?

Leave it to me.

Why don't we check out
the ichthyosaur?

It's a fossil.

Why not?

Well, actually, I think Alex was
keener on seeing the woolly mammoth.

Aren't you?

Er, yeah.

It's so big and woolly.

We could do both together.

I think what Alex is trying to say is
that she and Hal would like some private time.

Oh, well, I...

Hello?

Tom?

It's Cutler.

They sent the other bodyguard
after you.

We've got to go.

What?!

Just be careful and focus
on the matches.

No glove, no love.

- Everything...all right?
- Yeah, great.

You just...

You seem a little bit...

mental.

Sorry, it was...
It was the elephant in the room.

Couldn't resist!

Sorry.

- I'm a bit rusty.
- Oh, me too.

Are you just out of a long-term
relationship or something?

Something like that.

So, you're scared of commitment
and you don't want to get hurt?

I don't want to hurt you.

Look, I'm only here a couple of days,
so you don't have to worry about commitment.

And I can look after myself,
so you're not going to hurt me.

And I'm not gonna hurt you.

Well...

Unless you really want me to.

So? What do you reckon?

Come on, I won't even look you
in the eyes.

Are you looking for me?

Not so fast, Goliath.

- Think you've got me, don't you?
- Um, yeah.

Well, maybe you have.
But maybe you haven't.

Is that a risk you're willing
to take?

Yeah.

Gambling man, eh?
Well, I'm a card shark.

- And this is my casino.
- Sorry,

we want to talk
about these news stories.

Don't you think it's up to werewolves
to decide if we want to go public?

- I can feel you, shaking.
- Just answer the question.

Shaking like a little lady.

- Sexist!
- Too close, Allison. Allison!

Looks like I'm the one
holding the cards.

Now, are you gonna twist or stick?

- What does that even mean?!
- Allison...

Everybody loves Bruce Willis,
but he's got a script.

- You're just making it up.
- Shut up! Or I'll shut you up.

Uh-uh! Cliche!

How's about I write a script
in your neck?

Like a deadly author,
with a poison pen.

- Murder, he wrote.
- I would've said...

William Stake-spear?

He's not going to stake you.

Try me.

Our blood's like acid to them.

I'd rather burn
than let you both live.

We'll see about that.

The face, not the face!

Something about...heartburn?

Heart...break?

No, that doesn't work, does it?

Shit.

Are you all right?

That was amazing! Yes!

Wait a minute, wait!

Oh.

I thought you were just pleased
to see me.

Ooh!

- You are.
- Oh, hang on, then.

What now?

Garlic, holy water?

- Are you all right? Your nose...
- It's fine.

And you didn't mind killing?

He got what he deserved.

Now I'm going to give you
what you deserve, Slayer!

We didn't catch the ichthyosaurus
at the museum! If we head back...

- It'll be shut!
- Even with the badge?

Fuck the badge!

Allison!

- You had to build Tracy Island for that!
- Am I doing something wrong?

I don't think so.

I've never been with a boy before.

Me neither.

Or a girl.

I think...

I think we're supposed to just...

..relax...

..and do what feels natural.

Imagine...I'm a vampire

and you're a stake,

plunging in and out.

What?

You're not a vampire.

You're a flower and I'm a bee.

We're supposed to spend time
together, take it slow, like a pack.

We are - a vampire-killing pack!

It's not supposed to be like this.

Like what?!

In the middle of all the violence.

But there's a war on! You said!

This is what it's like - snatched
moments in air-raid shelters.

You're not a soldier!

I am!

Tom? Tom!

So, you have no friends, you don't owe
any money and you have no regrets?

Oh! Have you seen Titanic?

I'm reading that.

Are you all right, Tom?

That Allison's changed.

That's what happens when they get
their slippers under the bed, son.

Killed a vampire.

- Tom...
- Killed two of them, actually.

After the first one,
she was sick, scared.

But then today, she liked it.

- She was all buzzing and excited.
- Like you? Hm?

Well, that's what happens, Tom.

Killing changes you.

Look where I've ended up.

Hacking down seniors
in the twilight of their lives.

- Hey, isn't this your bit of stuff?
- What?

At least it's not page three,
thank God!

"The parents of Allison Larkin
have made an..."

- Emotional.
- "..emotional appeal

"for the safe return
of their daughter."

Allison?

Give me a ring when you get this,
darling.

I'm holding the fort on my own here.

Problem?

No.

Surely a dog's no match
for a gym bunny?

You set him up?

You think the Old Ones
will be impressed with that?

Leave him alone!

I've got your back.

You betrayed us for a dog?

For a werewolf.

- There's a difference.
- Exactly.

Now, tell us why you're planting
these stories in the press.

The YouTube video?

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- She's lying!

Ssh!

Eve, come on, please.

Ssh, ssh, ssh-ssh-ssh.

- All right, all right. Ssh-ssh.
- It's all go around here, isn't it?

Things are going to have to change
if I'm sticking round.

You are not sticking around!

Maybe it's destiny.

I mean, the boys have got their girls
and you've got me.

- Ssh.
- Don't mind giving my back a rub, do you?

I think I banged it when you tossed me
over the wall like next door's cat.

All right! All right, listen.
We've been over this and I've said I'm sorry.

I am really, really sorry.

I'm not complaining.
I've enjoyed being dead.

- You're not supposed to enjoy it!
- That's the problem with you, Annie.

Everything's supposed to be
like this, or that,

I'm not supposed to like naked girlies.
Unfinished business has to be good.

Look, life isn't like that.
Mine wasn't.

I don't see why death has to be.

Right. You are holding Eve. Yes?
And me and you, we are going out.

Ah, what's the matter?
Can't fetch, bitch?

Allison, stop!

If you kill her,
you'll change for ever.

You won't be human any more.

I'm not a human. I'm a werewolf.

- Only for one night a month.
- Get off me!

You bite, I bleed on you.

I saw your mum and dad in the paper.
They want you back. They love you.

I can't go back like this.

I don't belong there any more,
you know that!

Yes, you do!

You're cool, you're funny,
you're clever. You know Norwegian!

On a full moon, you drag a chicken round
on a string and transform somewhere quiet.

The rest of the month, you don't have
to change at all, cos you're perfect.

If I let you go,
do you promise not to try anything?

Mm.

Give me your word.

I promise.

That's a verbal contract, made in the presence
of two witnesses, one of whom

is a qualified solicitor.

Tom...she's dangerous.

You wait till the Old Ones
hear about this.

It doesn't have to be like this -

vampires against werewolves.
Look at Tom, Mr Cutler. They're proof of that.

Come on.

Paxies?

Allison!

What's going on with the stories,
the stuff in the press?

Chillax. It's over. Case closed.

They say they've found
Jenny Wilson's body.

The Box Tunnel coroner?

Well, maybe they did.

Might not all be fabricated.

At the Brecon Beacons?
At the Upper Neuadd reservoir?

Nobody goes there! It's desolate.

- Then how do you know?
- What does it matter? Hal?

Oh, well, look, this is today's!
We only just took out the woman involved, so...

if it's anything to do with her,

- this is the last we'll hear about it.
- A woman?

- It was a woman?
- Yeah, by the docks.

Her name was Golda.

How did it go with Alex?

I don't think we'll be seeing
her again.

- She tried to kiss me, and...
- You killed her?!

No!

No, I think the routines have really
helped suppress those urges.

So, you, er...chickened out?

That's absolutely ridicu...

- How dare you?!
- Oh, my God!

You weren't scared of killing.
You're just scared!

I have seduced several thousand women
in my time.

When you was all blooded up,
but now you're just a scaredy cat!

I'll have you know,
I am a ruthless killer!

Talk to her, then.

You rang her off my phone.

What are you doing?

Tom, stop that!

It's ringing!

You've no idea of the dangers
you're putting her in.

Talk. Talk!

Hello, Alex?

It's voice mail.

I'm afraid I'm not au fait
with answering machine etiquette.

I was telephoning to apologise
for being so ungentlemanly...

at the museum.

And I was wondering if perhaps
you'll allow me the privilege

of making it up to you in person,
with dinner, perhaps.

A dance.

Or some alternative courtly ritual.

It's Hal, by the way!

Got a good feeling
about those two.

Maybe we could...
go on another double date?

I'm not sure.

You think he's too shy?

No.

I don't think
we should see each other again.

- What?
- You've got a degree to finish.

But we can still see each other
at weekends.

I can teach you how to e-mail.

- Use a webcam.
- Right.

You have no idea what I'm talking
about, do you?

No, but it don't matter.
I don't want to see you again.

But...

..you said I was...perfect.

You are.

And I don't want to change that.

Well, I'm not. And you won't!

- I almost did.
- Look, Tom,

I may have got a bit carried away,

but I'm my own person.

I know what I want.

And...I want you.

- Well, I don't want you.
- Stop it.

No, you stop it.

You're speccy, you're annoying
and you talk too much.

I know what you're trying to do
and it won't work.

I'm not trying to do anything.
I just want you to go.

Go, then!

Fine.

Allison.

You forgot this.

♪ If she says I'm your girl
Then what can that mean?

♪ And you dance with her
like it's been all your life

♪ He says it happens
when you least expect it

♪ In a world of hasty words
Can they be right? ♪

Keep it.

- Tak.
- Tak.

♪..And precedents and case files
don't apply

♪ When eyes and ears and tongue
mistrust their power

♪ The organ in your chest
perceives the light. ♪

Ha!

Whoa! Hahahaha!

Woo! Woo-ooo!

Woooo!

Waaaah, woo!

Let's get out of here!

Hurry up! Hurry up!

- That was brilliant!
- But totally unethical.

Apparently not.

I knew I was right.

When your time comes, remember.

It might not be a good thing
you have to do.

Well...

thanks, Annie. I, er...

I'm sorry we didn't get to smooch.

Me, too

Fancy one...for the road?

Piss off.

That's more like it!

- Annie?
- No, not another cupboard!

God, Annie, it's really you.

I've come so far to find you.

Who are you?

I'll explain everything,
but you have to come with me.

- No, no, no, not again.
- Annie, listen to me.

There's never been anything
more important.

I have a baby, Eve.
I have to look after her.

Annie...I am the baby.

- What?
- It's me, Annie.

Mum.

I'm Eve.

- My God...
- It's you.

Mum!

But it's me. It's Eve.

I died and came back
through history.

This thing that you want to tell me.
What is it?

So this is the future.
Ooh, do people have jet packs?

No, mostly everyone's dead.

Tomorrow is a full moon,
so what I was thinking was, I get you in there,

- you transform...
- Tear 'em to shreds.

You could go straight back
to the top of the pile.

That's your rightful place.

I bought you a drink but,
well, you were late, so I drank it.

I've been drinking already.

Creepy and a day-drinker.

Sooner or later, we all go back
to being the monsters we truly are.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd