Being Human (2008–2013): Season 2, Episode 4 - Educating Creature - full transcript
George is unaware that his retaliatory snipes at Lucy's "suspicious" interest in Mitchell have merit. She is really a geneticist, recruited by Kemp after seeing her publication on the possible existence of an evil gene which could be isolated. Kemp is anxious to try out her theory on the likes of vampires and werewolves, but she, not as ruthless as he, steps in to save Nina from the latest experiment. George gets a new job as a language teacher, meets single parent Sam, and buys a cage for his transformations, in which he also goes one step further - putting himself to sleep via tranquilizers. The absence of blood-lust as a werewolf, however, leaves him violent in his day-to-day life, prone to physical and verbal outbursts. Annie, meanwhile, gets saved from being pulled through the door by Sykes, a young R.A.F. pilot who died in World War Two and who is scared to pass over for fear of meeting the men he believes he killed. He tarries to give Annie survival tips and tells her it is always her choice to pass over. Mitchell seeks support from Ivan in his campaign to wean vampires off blood, but Ivan is still keen to kill.
Nina was the love of my life,
and now she's gone.
And under the circumstances,
I really feel like I could have done
with a bit more support from you.
I'm sorry, I had a lot on.
Long live the king!
Long live the king!
Long live the king!
Increase the pressure.
Help!
Turn it off!
Hello, Nina.
Oh, my God.
'Now Saul, get her through the door. '
It's not my door!
You know, God loves you very much.
Isn't that right, Professor Jaggat?
Yes, Nina.
He loves you so much.
That doesn't make any sense.
Unless, of course,
neither of them are the father.
You naughty girl.
Professor Jaggat.
Ah. Reinforcements!
Kemp.
OK, Kemp,
so we have the contested father
DNA samples, all in date order.
Erm, centrifuge, PCR, sequencer.
I take it you're familiar
with the process?
No.
I'm not here about a job.
I'm here about those wonderful
papers you wrote last year.
Oh... Great!
Your theory of a gene
that could be the cause of all evil
was a revelation.
Those papers were merely speculative.
An intellectual exercise,
that some people...
Really?
So you don't mean a word of it?
I'm sorry, but who are you?
Last week you received a sample of blood,
yes? Yeah, we get a lot of those here.
This one you'd remember.
You ran it through your machines
and the readings made no sense.
You would have checked it
several times,
and then perhaps blamed your
machine.
What was it?
Evil.
Think it over.
And if you wish to learn more,
give me a ring.
That looks boring, like a bill.
Ooh, a package.
Huh, wonder what that is.
Annie, by the way. I'm dead.
Arriving at scene of incident now.
He's not been dead long.
Probably an OD, he was a known user.
I'll check for drugs and ID.
- Do you need SOCA? Over.
- No, nothing suspicious.
Just an ambulance,
looks like an overdose. Over.
Any ID, over?
Just a sec. We're looking now.
Are you OK?
Male, mid-30s...
Do you understand
what has just happened to you?
They told me to wait for you.
No! No!
Please, no!
No! No!
No! Please!
Come here, Annie.
It's OK.
Hang on there!
Good morning.
Good morning, Mitchell.
You're up early.
I'm making sausages.
D'you want some?
No, you're fine. Oh...
Are you OK after yesterday?
Oh, yeah, today's a new day.
I just mean after the call...
Nina has opened my eyes.
It's like she's helped me
finally figure it out.
I've had an epiphany, Mitchell,
a breakthrough.
I am making...
.. a list!
A list? Lists solve everything.
You put the thing on a list, you do
the thing and then you tick it off.
And in that way, order is achieved.
And the world becomes...
a better place.
Are you sure you're OK?
No, this isn't the other side.
Yes, I did save you from the door.
And yes, I'm dead too.
Sykes. Pleased to meet you.
You closed the door?
A thank you would be nice.
Thank you.
How did you do that?
Extremely well.
Anyway. It's gone now,
you're in one piece,
I'm in one piece,
so I'll say cheerio.
Cheerio.
Wait, no!
You have to show me how to do that.
It keeps happening to me, you see?
I'm sure it does.
Please? Please, you have to help me.
I don't have to do
anything of the sort.
Look, there's no
automatic bond between us.
You're not my responsibility.
We're just ghosts, love.
Flotsam and jetsam.
This whole time,
I haven't really wanted
to think about what happens to me
once a month, during my hairy times.
But as of now, I am facing it.
So, what happens to me?
You turn into a werewolf.
Uh-huh. Yeah. And what's a werewolf?
A big scary animal.
Exactamondo, Mitchell.
The key word is animal. And what
do you do with a big scary animal?
You put it in a cage.
Thus, I am going to buy a cage. See?
This is on my list.
"Buy a cage".
Yeah, a very strong cage.
Well, that's granted.
But here's the thing.
I've been treating this whole wolf
thing like this big life-changing thing.
Running around, doing jobs a monkey
could do. But what is it really?
Really, when you think about it?
It's one night a month. That's all.
There is no reason for me
not to live
a long, normal, full life
the rest of the time.
And that's what I'm going to do.
Is that on your list, too?
Yes, in a manner of speaking it is,
Mitchell, yes, it is.
See? Number two. "Get a better job".
I mean, I speak a ridiculous amount
of languages.
I have an IQ of 156, for God's sake.
Surely I can get a job
that doesn't insult my intelligence.
Erm, no offence.
Yeah, well,
us thickies at the hospital
are really gonna miss you, man.
I'll haunt you.
You can't haunt another ghost.
Well, I'll give it a damn good go.
There's nothing I can do for you.
Fighting the men behind the door
is grown-up stuff.
You're outmanned and outgunned.
Grown-up stuff? You're about nine.
I died when I was 23.
In ghost years, I'm 89.
Oh, great, so you're senile.
Look, look...
If you don't help me, then
sooner or later they're gonna get me.
Please? Please, I'm asking you,
I don't know what else to do.
You've resisted death's door
three times.
How could you know that?
Oh, please,
it's written all over your aura.
Which I could teach you to read.
You can read auras? Maybe.
Well, show me how to do that
at least.
I mean, that's not like teaching.
That's more like a magic trick.
Yeah?
What's all this?
It's traditional.
Boss gets first drink.
What part of "no blood"
did you not understand?
No, no, no. This is different.
She wants to be fed on.
Excuse me? We found her online.
On an emo message board.
There are dozens of 'em.
They talk about vampires and there's
all this bonkers self-harm stuff.
It gets really dark. Anyway, they
love the idea of being drunk from.
It's a kind of groupie thing.
Isn't that better?
No, Campbell, it's not better.
Get her out of here, will you?
Sorry.
She says, can she have
her bus fare home, then?
For fuck's sake! Here, there you go.
Morning!
Well, that was a very creative
reinterpretation of the rules.
There aren't rules.
There's one rule. Oh, yeah...
Well, that's addicts for you.
Always looking for little loopholes.
There's an alcoholic I knew once.
Dry for years,
never missed a meeting.
Then he tried to convince himself
that Advocaat wasn't proper booze.
He died.
Cholesterol poisoning in the end.
What? Is there something on my face?
What is it, food?
About four feet across.
And lockable, obviously.
What kind of animal is it for?
Erm... different types.
Well, I need to know
for the gaps in the bars, you see.
Oh. Of course.
Let's say a very big dog.
About the size of a man?
What? It's OK. Relax.
We get a lot of business from
the S&M community. Not a problem.
I've even dabbled a bit myself.
Oh, oh... a cage for sex.
That's embarrassing.
I was obviously embarrassed
to say that I wanted a sex cage.
But now that that's out in the open,
th-that's wonderful.
Now, where are they? What's this?
Last job I did, they sent me these,
as a kind of thank you.
I'll throw them in.
No charge.
Oh, that would be lovely.
Yes. Thank you.
Cheerio. Goodbye.
Unbelievable. Tell me,
is there anybody left in Bristol
who can have a shag
without being tied up first?
What? I've had two tradesmen
think that I'm a pervert today. Two.
And the last one, apparently
he soundproofs dungeons all the time.
Well, better they think you're a
nonce than a werewolf, surely.
I'm sorry. Who are you?
His name's Sykes.
He's dead.
Apparently very good at closing
doors.
Door doors.
Ah.
So can you teach Annie how to do
this?
Maybe. Maybe not.
I'm sorry, why are you here again?
Mitchell!
He's... Ah...! Sorry.
Can I have a word with you, please?
Now.
Yeah.
So. Been dead long?
Er, you are not my dad.
Oh, come on, Annie, all the stuff
that's been happening lately.
This guy just happens to turn up.
They could have taken me, right
there and then. And he saved me.
And I had to drag him here, only to have
you act like an overprotective father.
Come on. Ease up.
Mmm.
How's George? Not good.
Hyper. Fixed grin.
He's not even mentioning Nina.
Well, that's not healthy.
He needs to talk about it.
Annie needs protection.
So if you know of ways that can help
her, then surely it's your duty.
OK, OK,
cards on the table.
Do you wanna know why
I don't wanna teach you?
Because there's only one passing
grade.
Anything less than an A plus,
then they've got you. You're gone.
And I really don't want that
on my conscience.
Sykes, if you don't teach me,
then I'm gone anyway.
0900 tomorrow.
That's if it's OK
with your two dads.
It's absolutely fine
with my two dads.
Thank you.
Well, I liked him.
Hey, it's probably not the best time
to ask, but can we swap rooms?
It's a whole size thing with the
cage and it's just... Yeah, you can...
It's just something to think about.
You take your time.
My name is Campbell
and I'm a blood addict.
It's been nine days since my last
drink.
And boy, don't I know it.
But I'm just hoping that
with the support of this new group,
I'll be able to make it ten days.
Then 11, and keep going.
Stay on the straight and narrow.
Stay dry.
Well done, well done.
Please don't say
you got that idea from me.
You should be pleased!
Pleased?!
Don't be fucking ridiculous!
It's like when they dress up
those bears and make them dance
for the tourists in Istanbul.
Have you ever seen that?
No, I can't say I have.
Well, this great big mountain
of power and fury,
done up in a fez and a waistcoat.
And all the time, you're
just waiting for it to wake up,
realise what it is
and tear someone's throat out.
Do you ever actually see it happen?
Yeah, yeah, I did. Horrific.
I mean, I've got photos.
If you want, you can...
I want you to sign up.
Go clean with us.
OK. OK, Mitchell, now you just tell
me why I would want to do that.
Because you're a legend.
You're one of the old ones.
If you go clean, then overnight,
this programme is suddenly legitimate.
I think I'd better rephrase
the question.
What do I get out of it?
This is just the beginning.
When it starts to bite,
every single one of those poor
bastards are gonna go through hell.
The thirst. The pain.
The desire.
The memories.
Just think, Ivan, all that feeling.
Each moment,
a stab of pure undiluted sensation.
Sorry about this.
The Principal will be back soon.
It's fine.
Can I get you a drink?
Tea, coffee, water?
Water would be great, thanks.
Oh. D'you mind
having your water in a mug?
No, that would be fine.
Never feels right, though, does it?
Water in a mug?
Well, I'll just pretend it's tea.
No-one'll know.
And you get the granny mug
no-one else wants.
Ooh, now you're just spoiling me.
Thanks.
Is she yours? Mm?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Molly. Just turned seven.
It's a good age.
It is a good age.
Have you got any yourself?
Oh, no, no.
I never really found the right...
No.
No kids.
What's wrong with you?
Sorry?
That's the thought that springs
most immediately to mind when I...
see a CV like this.
Massively overqualified
for what we do here.
Yeah, I thought that might be a
problem. I would like to point out
that I've been a hospital porter
for the last two years.
So this really would be for me
a big step up.
Which brings me back
to my original question.
What's wrong with you?
Why settle for being a porter?
Why settle for... here?
Two years ago, I had an accident.
And it was quite traumatic.
And I didn't really feel able to do
anything apart from manual labour.
But, as of now,
I feel ready to re-enter the world.
Erm, of languages.
For their agents,
they usually pick the mentally weak.
The depressed, insane, alcoholics.
Like the guy yesterday.
But learn to read auras
and you can spot them a mile off.
What do you make of this
likely looking fella here?
Ooh, seedy.
Desperate. Having a midlife crisis.
I meant from his aura.
This is like those Magic Eye things.
I could never do those either.
Just give it time.
Something grey.
It's like it's in his head.
It's a tumour. Yes!
No, no, gosh, no.
No, that's terrible.
Well, we have to let him know
somehow.
I think he already knows.
So, theoretically,
I could read your aura.
Well, yes, I suppose.
Oh, go on, let me.
I need the practice.
You're not wearing ladies' underwear
or something, are you?
You stay out of there,
do you hear me?
Look, I'll do what I can to help.
But, please. That's my only rule.
Sure. Sorry.
I didn't think.
Hey, Lucy. Hello.
Look, I've been thinking about this
whole me being a closed book thing, right.
How's this for a deal?
20 questions and I have to answer
them totally truthfully.
That's not so much a conversation,
more like a job application.
I think it's a remarkable offer
for somebody as closed off
as I plainly am.
Go, first question.
OK. Where were you yesterday?
An AA meeting.
Seriously? Yeah.
But don't freak out.
So that's your big bad secret, is it?
You could say that.
Hang on. No.
I saw you had a drink the other day.
Yeah. Well, let's just say alcohol
wasn't my drug of choice
and leave it at that.
But I've been clean for a while now.
Oh, my God. This is real, isn't it?
Yeah.
So, um... I take it you're doing
the whole 12-step thing?
Pretty much.
Including making amends
to those you have wronged?
Because I should definitely be
on that list.
So how can I make it up to you?
I'll think about it. But I should
stress, you are not off the hook.
And I still have 20 questions.
So, can I take it
that's the mysterious Lucy?
Yeah. What do you reckon?
She's out of your league.
Thank you, George.
Seriously, there must be some other
reason for her chatting you up.
Like access to drugs.
She's a doctor.
She can steal her own drugs.
Oh, so she's on drugs.
That makes perfect sense.
You see, it's pep talks like this
I'm really going to miss.
Yes, you are. Because
I've just handed in my notice.
As of now, I am a language teacher,
just pretending to be a porter.
Wow. Read that.
Shit. Take it easy!
Ah, don't worry about it.
He's got enough tranqs in him
to keep a horse out.
All right?
They'll knock out a human.
Don't know about a wolf.
Thank you, Mitchell.
Tick!
I love lists.
Yeah, you do.
Hello, Nina.
Ow... Ah.
Just wait a second.
Are we sure about this?
Have we changed anything about the
procedure since it killed the last one?
No, but look, she has
a completely different physiology.
I have a nosebleed. Hello?
Should this be happening?
Hello, Nina. Um...
Just... Just relax.
It's all part of the process.
This is how we learn.
God, please!
This is how we help them.
We can recalculate for the next one.
Please stop!
The next one? George Sands.
Fine, but surely the best way
to reach him is through Nina.
We're actually at full moon.
Lower the pressure.
Any sudden drop in pressure now
will probably kill her.
Chances are she will explode like the
last four. I said lower the pressure!
All right, OK.
There.
You see - it wasn't
a complete waste of time.
We now know that a werewolf doesn't
have to be conscious in order to change.
When she changes back tomorrow,
tell her we had a malfunction.
If you want to bring George Sands
in,
you need to keep Nina alive and
believing.
Would you like to see
the most beautiful sight
in all of God's creation?
It's a sleeping werewolf.
It's eight hours
of a sleeping werewolf.
Oh, wow. I mean,
it's not literally, obviously.
I set it to time-lapse function, so
it's taking a frame a minute, I think,
so that's technically not...
George, shh. Enjoy the moment.
George, I'm so happy for you.
I've done it.
I've put the wolf to sleep.
I'm free.
I don't know what to do first.
Maybe take a shower?
Oh, God! You are ripe!
Oh, get off! Oh, you stink!
You stink! Get off!
Hello, everyone.
My name is Mr Sands.
And I'm here to teach English
as a foreign language.
Now, I'm going to kick off today's
lesson
with the two uses of the phrase
"used to".
Such as, "I used to have long hair",
or, "I got used to
walking home from the woods".
Er, yes? What is "F" word?
Well, I... I don't think this is
exactly covered on the lesson plan,
so we'll skip over that one.
Then why they not say "fuck"?
Yes, OK, yes, I know I'm new,
and you probably do this
to all the new teachers, but...
No, no, no. We need to know these
things. No-one tell us.
They tell us about mouse and mice,
and woman and women.
But people laugh at us
we don't know what is "F" word.
We need to know these things.
Do you know what?
You're absolutely right.
Swearing is a part of English and
it's a huge part of social interaction.
OK, yes, so for ten minutes
every lesson,
I am going to teach you
about swearing.
They use them to recruit agents,
to spy on us,
and sometimes, to come through.
Don't I know it.
If they're in control, there's
a frequency that you can feel.
It's low. Like a bass hum.
Now, if that happens here,
we're done.
OK. Right.
'Moderate temperatures... '
Try.
'.. back in the north, we can see a clear
picture on both sides of the Great Glen.
'To Europe... '
Well done.
'.. throughout the country... ' Again.
'We can see a high pressure front
from the west
'which will create a very pleasant
outlook for all of the west coast
'and all areas of the south. '
This time it's like there's something
blocking me. Is it them?
No, sorry, that's me.
Want to get your tongue off the
floor? What? A man's got eyes.
It's like training with Benny Hill.
Who?
Have you watched TV
at all since you died?
No. I wonder why!
We need to expose you to modern
culture. Annie...
Start with Sex And The City. Annie!
Shall we try something else?
.. which stands for...
"shut the fuck up".
Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
All together...
Shut the fuck up. Mr Sands.
A word, please.
Excuse me.
I took a very big chance
employing you.
Mmm? I want you to understand that.
Say that you understand that.
I'm sorry. It won't happen again.
Say you understand that.
Oh, you... you actually
want me to say it?
Yes.
I... I understand that.
What do you understand?
Um, that you took a very big risk
in employing me.
That's right. I did.
And what I did not expect to see,
in your first week,
is you teaching my students
profanities.
Say, "It will never happen again".
It will never happen... again.
Wonderful.
OK.
Who'd like to start?
My name is Ivan.
I'm a blood addict.
It's been part of me for so long,
you know. It defined me.
The thought of life without it seemed
absurd, it's futile to even try.
And then I realised that...
.. I belonged to this hunger of ours.
195 years of servitude.
You think about that.
Think about that and tell me...
that it isn't time to stop.
Well said!
Enjoy your chicken, sir.
I'm going to enjoy this.
What? I'm hungry. Yeah.
So, erm, how are you finding it?
Oh, yeah. It's great.
Students, an absolute joy. Mm-hm.
I've seen your CV,
you'll be gone in six months.
You must be dying of boredom.
No, I'm not. When you've had the kind of
dangerous, hair-raising life that I have,
the idea of boredom
just seems... really exciting.
You've lived a dangerous life?
Oh, yeah.
That whole porter job,
that was just a cover-up.
I'm actually... A spy?
Well, I was going to go for
superhero, but that's fine.
And what were your powers?
Extreme hairiness.
Cocks!
What are we doing back here?
We've only just left
and I do not need a break.
This isn't a break. This is a test.
You should be strong enough
to do this. Do what?
Madame, monsieur, I believe you
have the seven o'clock reservation.
If you'd like to follow me.
What's all this?
I put them in ascending order of
bowl size and intensity of flavour,
from left to right, obviously.
That's very thorough of you.
So, what are we testing?
Your ability to taste. What?
I can do that?
That's what we're here to find out.
Right, now, place your hands
on either side of his head.
Are you sure you're all right with
this? Oh, yeah. Go for it.
Thank you, George.
You're a star.
OK. Ooh!
It's tingly. Sorry.
No, it's fine. I like it.
OK, Annie, close your eyes and
imagine it's you sitting at the table.
Imagine you're opening the dish
and eating what's inside.
It's cold.
I can feel cold, cold on my tongue!
Your tongue.
Anything else?
Er, bright.
A bright flavour. Um...
Lemon? Wow!
I can taste lemon. It's lemon.
Yes. It's lemon sorbet. Top marks.
Oh, my gosh!
Concentrate. Stick with it. OK.
Um, meat? Lots of meat?
Mm-hm, you betcha.
Whoa!
Are you OK?
Um, yeah.
Yeah, but I don't feel very well.
Can we stop now? Of course.
Thanks for all your help, George.
Oh, no, that's, um... that's fine.
I'll, er...
I'll just throw... all of this
in the bin, then, shall I?!
Wow!
Clearly somebody's been watching
a bit too much Gordon Ramsay.
I'm sorry about him.
A walk through Venice is like
a walk through ancient history.
Unperturbed, fantastic...
See you later.
Take it easy now, guys, see you next
time. Keep strong. Hey, Mitchell.
Another good meeting,
another seven on board.
Yeah. We need more tea and biscuits.
Having you as our poster boy
hasn't hurt.
I'm going to be giving out
autographs soon.
It's like being in a fucking
boy band.
The thought of you in a boy band
is disturbing on so many levels.
The thing about boy bands is,
it's all about image, isn't it?
Behind closed doors they can be,
you know, dressing up as Girl Guides,
snorting coke, fucking swans.
You know, all that matters
is what happens on that stage, right?
Where are you going with this?
I can't do it.
I thought I could, I wanted to,
I swear,
but... I've never gone this long
without blood.
Oh, come on.
It's only been a few days!
Yeah, after 195 fucking years!
Do you know how many people
are in that room because of you?
If you quit...
I am not gonna quit.
So what are you saying?
I may be many things, Mitchell,
but I am a man of my word.
I will stand in that room and talk
about how brave and strong we all are,
how this is a fight that we can win.
I will do that for as long
as you need me to, but I...
.. I cannot do it... dry.
Do you have any idea
what you're asking me to do?
I could say the same to you.
- Emergency contact number?
- Mitchell.
07700900345... 5.
That your brother?
No. We live together.
Housemates.
Ah...
I am so sorry, I thought...
I thought you wanted to...
No, no, I'm sorry.
If I'm honest, I put that folder
behind you on purpose.
So, the computer crash
that wiped my file...?
Not so much of a crash,
more of a me pressing delete.
That's very devious.
Hello, you. Hello yourself.
Ooh! OK, sorry,
I didn't know whether or not...
It's OK. We can work on that.
So, how was your morning?
Oh, you know, the usual. Bollocks!
I know. Class four...
Listen, let me buy you a drink,
cheer you up.
Er, I don't know.
I'm suddenly feel a bit... Shit!
Oh. Are you ill? Mmm.
Are you going to throw up?
Oh, well... let me help you.
Fuck! Balls! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Shit!
Parking ticket.
Shit!
P- P-Piss off!
It got even worse today.
This afternoon I had a really bad
attack
in the middle of reading out a
sentence they were supposed to repeat.
Did they repeat it?
Yeah, some of them.
Word for word, effing and jeffing.
Not a care in the world.
This is not funny. I know, I'm sorry.
This can't be happening to me.
This can't. I teach language.
Well, you... you could teach bad
language!
Stop. Just stop. Stop laughing!
George!
What the fuck are you doing?!
And did I mention I've been getting
a little bit angry lately?
Yeah. We've noticed.
I got cocky, didn't I?
I thought I could put the wolf to
sleep. Like it would be that easy.
Come on, we don't know that
this is anything to do with that.
Yes, we do.
It's like I can feel him pacing in
his cage up here, and he feels cheated.
He feels aggrieved because I didn't
let him out, I didn't let him rage,
and he wants to rage so very much.
On the bus home today,
there was this kid, about 16,
and he was playing one of those
phones that has a little speaker,
and he was playing it really loudly
and nobody was saying anything,
and I wanted to kill him.
I really wanted to kill him.
I pictured myself picking up that phone
and smashing it into his face
over and over and over...
But you didn't, George.
You didn't give in to it.
Yeah. You controlled yourself.
That's the main thing.
He got off the bus.
So, do you have the package?
You think that's funny?
Well, you know,
I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
So, why do I suddenly feel like
a turd in a swimming pool?
Just answer me this, did you ever
actually think you could go dry,
or was it just another one of your
games?
I thought I could do it.
I thought I was powerful enough.
I was wrong. OK?
You know, Mitchell, eventually
it just makes children of us all.
Don't kill her, Ivan,
do you hear me? You're the boss.
Don't I know it.
Please, no!
How many do you have now?
How many vampires are not drinking
right now, because of us?
You're saving lives, Mitchell.
Yeah.
I'm a fucking hero. Enjoy your meal.
It's time.
I think you're ready for your exam.
I think you're strong enough.
What do you mean?
Where did you die? Is it far?
Ta-da! Right.
Turn on all the radios,
the TV, anything electrical.
How long do you think it'll take?
Not long. It's a honey pot now.
Show time.
Good luck.
And in other news today,
a young woman was killed
in a tragic fall in the home...
Poor little me.
I fell down the stairs
and now I'm dead.
Yeah. I am.
Poor little me.
My fiance did it.
He didn't love me at all.
No. I really don't think that he did.
Have you told her what you did?
No, she doesn't need to know that.
Sykes? What does she mean?
Of all the men who died because
of your mistake, your cowardice?
Oh, God!
- Save me!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I failed you. If I could go back...
Sykes! Sykes, focus!
It's just you and me now,
little girl.
We could eat you up.
You're one of them, aren't you? Hmm?
You might've put on my face,
but you're one of The Men.
It's just tricks.
You put on a mask to frighten me.
You convince people to hurt me.
You've got to keep me scared because
you can't actually do anything.
We can drag you to hell
any time we wanted.
I thought you were an army of devils,
but you're not.
You're a magician...
who's come to the end of his act.
And this?
This was your big finish?
It's pretty poor.
You've lost your audience.
Where are you going?
I think that's a pass.
It's unprecedented -
a nest of vampires renouncing blood
led by... one that's clean.
Clean?
Perhaps this will change your mind.
The funeral parlour. Their
base of operations for 27 years.
Then came their regime change
and the premises were abandoned.
Until, that is, six days ago,
when they moved back in.
Hang on, why haven't I heard about
this? And what does it tell us?
That vampires are despicable
and craven creatures.
It's just a building.
One that happens to be very
convenient for the disposal of bodies.
As much as I respect your
spirit of forgiveness, Professor,
I do worry that
you've lost sight of the difference
between a werewolf and a vampire.
That isn't remotely patronising!
For the werewolves, we are
trying to free an innocent soul.
For the vampires, the battle's lost.
There is no soul to save.
He is capable of change.
And I will prove it.
Oh, look, I've been sharpening it so
much that I've just got a little one.
I wonder if you could get me a...
a bigger one?
Would you? Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Oh, now, that's a nice big one. I
like a nice big one. Don't you, Sam?
No. I do not like a big one.
Not what I've heard!
Hilarious!
Just calm the fuck down!
F...
Oh, sh... Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
George?
Are you all right? Yeah, hi, Sam!
I'm fine. How are you?
I'm just doing some paperwork.
I, er... I heard about
what's been happening.
Your swearing. Oh.
I just want you to know, it doesn't
matter to me, not in the slightest.
It doesn't?
Why would it?
You don't mean to say those words,
it's not you, it's not who you are.
Because who you are
is the nicest guy I know.
Who owes me lunch!
OK.
Fuck you!
One step at a time, tiger!
Ah, shit.
Ah! Ah!
Wha...?!
"Mr Sands suck cocks"?!
That's...
For God's sake!
It's "Mr Sands sucks cocks".
Singular, not plural, you...
Have I taught you nothing?
"Sucks".
Are you vandalising that mirror?
Er... no.
No, I'm not.
I saw you writing on it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it'd be best if I just
go.
Do you think you can come here and
do whatever you like, is that it?
Swear at the students.
Write filth on the walls.
Please, just let me go.
No, no, no.
I want an apology. OK.
OK. I am sorry.
For what?
I'm sorry for writing graffiti
on the mirror.
And?
And I'm sorry
for swearing at the students.
And?
And for daring to date a woman
so way out of your league.
And for... daring to...
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
Oh!
Why couldn't you...
Why couldn't you just... let me leave!
You tell anybody about this,
I will come back and
I will finish off the fucking job.
Not the police,
not Sam,
not anybody.
Do you understand?
Do you know what I don't get?
People still can't see me.
I thought that at least
I would be visible again.
Annie, you were never meant
to be visible in the first place.
There's a natural order.
There's life, there's the door,
and then somewhere in between them,
there's the ghosts.
But you...
You were something different.
A crease in the cloth, a...
In a plane, you have this thing
called an artificial horizon.
It's this little gauge
and you have to keep it flat.
And that's order.
You tipped the world
too much in one direction
and sooner or later,
it had to right itself.
What happened to you, Sykes?
In battle, you don't have the time
to think everything through.
You make the right choice,
your men live.
I made the wrong choice.
I've had 70 years to think about it.
And that's why I didn't want to help
you.
I didn't want to have...
responsibility again.
I didn't want more blood on my
hands.
Is that why you're still here?
I go through that door
and I know who's waiting for me.
Maybe they'll welcome me now,
but maybe not.
I'm a coward, Annie. No.
That's one thing you will never be.
On the plus side, you don't have to
worry about the gatekeepers any more.
Yay! Not after what you did today.
From now on,
the door will be your choice.
Why would I ever choose to go
through?
The world will change around you.
You'll see people fall in love,
have children, grow old and die.
All the things you can't do
any more.
It'll be like watching the world
through a glass wall
and eventually,
it becomes unbearable.
Well, that's a cheery thought!
Ah, but then...
But then you'll find something else.
What?
The next adventure.
What's that supposed to mean?
That's strictly need-to-know.
Dismissed.
Good work. Good work tonight.
Safe home, yeah?
You look great, as usual.
See you next time.
OK. OK.
Thanks for being here.
I'll see you next time.
I'll see you next time. What a story!
See you.
That was great.
I want this animal sent
kicking and screaming to hell,
and you're the man to do it.
I don't kill any more.
But you're a vampire.
Is that even possible?
Hello, little lady. You must be
Molly. You've got dog breath.
Single mother, penniless,
lives with her mum.
I'm just gonna turn my back now
for three seconds
just to give you the opportunity
to run for the hills.
I'm going to ask Sam and Molly
to move in with me.
Two hours, but that's it.
Oh, look, he won't be a problem.
What is that?
A baby. It's one of mine.
How long have I been gone?!
I signed on to this
to study the genetics of evil.
Since when did assassinating
vampires become part of the brief?
and now she's gone.
And under the circumstances,
I really feel like I could have done
with a bit more support from you.
I'm sorry, I had a lot on.
Long live the king!
Long live the king!
Long live the king!
Increase the pressure.
Help!
Turn it off!
Hello, Nina.
Oh, my God.
'Now Saul, get her through the door. '
It's not my door!
You know, God loves you very much.
Isn't that right, Professor Jaggat?
Yes, Nina.
He loves you so much.
That doesn't make any sense.
Unless, of course,
neither of them are the father.
You naughty girl.
Professor Jaggat.
Ah. Reinforcements!
Kemp.
OK, Kemp,
so we have the contested father
DNA samples, all in date order.
Erm, centrifuge, PCR, sequencer.
I take it you're familiar
with the process?
No.
I'm not here about a job.
I'm here about those wonderful
papers you wrote last year.
Oh... Great!
Your theory of a gene
that could be the cause of all evil
was a revelation.
Those papers were merely speculative.
An intellectual exercise,
that some people...
Really?
So you don't mean a word of it?
I'm sorry, but who are you?
Last week you received a sample of blood,
yes? Yeah, we get a lot of those here.
This one you'd remember.
You ran it through your machines
and the readings made no sense.
You would have checked it
several times,
and then perhaps blamed your
machine.
What was it?
Evil.
Think it over.
And if you wish to learn more,
give me a ring.
That looks boring, like a bill.
Ooh, a package.
Huh, wonder what that is.
Annie, by the way. I'm dead.
Arriving at scene of incident now.
He's not been dead long.
Probably an OD, he was a known user.
I'll check for drugs and ID.
- Do you need SOCA? Over.
- No, nothing suspicious.
Just an ambulance,
looks like an overdose. Over.
Any ID, over?
Just a sec. We're looking now.
Are you OK?
Male, mid-30s...
Do you understand
what has just happened to you?
They told me to wait for you.
No! No!
Please, no!
No! No!
No! Please!
Come here, Annie.
It's OK.
Hang on there!
Good morning.
Good morning, Mitchell.
You're up early.
I'm making sausages.
D'you want some?
No, you're fine. Oh...
Are you OK after yesterday?
Oh, yeah, today's a new day.
I just mean after the call...
Nina has opened my eyes.
It's like she's helped me
finally figure it out.
I've had an epiphany, Mitchell,
a breakthrough.
I am making...
.. a list!
A list? Lists solve everything.
You put the thing on a list, you do
the thing and then you tick it off.
And in that way, order is achieved.
And the world becomes...
a better place.
Are you sure you're OK?
No, this isn't the other side.
Yes, I did save you from the door.
And yes, I'm dead too.
Sykes. Pleased to meet you.
You closed the door?
A thank you would be nice.
Thank you.
How did you do that?
Extremely well.
Anyway. It's gone now,
you're in one piece,
I'm in one piece,
so I'll say cheerio.
Cheerio.
Wait, no!
You have to show me how to do that.
It keeps happening to me, you see?
I'm sure it does.
Please? Please, you have to help me.
I don't have to do
anything of the sort.
Look, there's no
automatic bond between us.
You're not my responsibility.
We're just ghosts, love.
Flotsam and jetsam.
This whole time,
I haven't really wanted
to think about what happens to me
once a month, during my hairy times.
But as of now, I am facing it.
So, what happens to me?
You turn into a werewolf.
Uh-huh. Yeah. And what's a werewolf?
A big scary animal.
Exactamondo, Mitchell.
The key word is animal. And what
do you do with a big scary animal?
You put it in a cage.
Thus, I am going to buy a cage. See?
This is on my list.
"Buy a cage".
Yeah, a very strong cage.
Well, that's granted.
But here's the thing.
I've been treating this whole wolf
thing like this big life-changing thing.
Running around, doing jobs a monkey
could do. But what is it really?
Really, when you think about it?
It's one night a month. That's all.
There is no reason for me
not to live
a long, normal, full life
the rest of the time.
And that's what I'm going to do.
Is that on your list, too?
Yes, in a manner of speaking it is,
Mitchell, yes, it is.
See? Number two. "Get a better job".
I mean, I speak a ridiculous amount
of languages.
I have an IQ of 156, for God's sake.
Surely I can get a job
that doesn't insult my intelligence.
Erm, no offence.
Yeah, well,
us thickies at the hospital
are really gonna miss you, man.
I'll haunt you.
You can't haunt another ghost.
Well, I'll give it a damn good go.
There's nothing I can do for you.
Fighting the men behind the door
is grown-up stuff.
You're outmanned and outgunned.
Grown-up stuff? You're about nine.
I died when I was 23.
In ghost years, I'm 89.
Oh, great, so you're senile.
Look, look...
If you don't help me, then
sooner or later they're gonna get me.
Please? Please, I'm asking you,
I don't know what else to do.
You've resisted death's door
three times.
How could you know that?
Oh, please,
it's written all over your aura.
Which I could teach you to read.
You can read auras? Maybe.
Well, show me how to do that
at least.
I mean, that's not like teaching.
That's more like a magic trick.
Yeah?
What's all this?
It's traditional.
Boss gets first drink.
What part of "no blood"
did you not understand?
No, no, no. This is different.
She wants to be fed on.
Excuse me? We found her online.
On an emo message board.
There are dozens of 'em.
They talk about vampires and there's
all this bonkers self-harm stuff.
It gets really dark. Anyway, they
love the idea of being drunk from.
It's a kind of groupie thing.
Isn't that better?
No, Campbell, it's not better.
Get her out of here, will you?
Sorry.
She says, can she have
her bus fare home, then?
For fuck's sake! Here, there you go.
Morning!
Well, that was a very creative
reinterpretation of the rules.
There aren't rules.
There's one rule. Oh, yeah...
Well, that's addicts for you.
Always looking for little loopholes.
There's an alcoholic I knew once.
Dry for years,
never missed a meeting.
Then he tried to convince himself
that Advocaat wasn't proper booze.
He died.
Cholesterol poisoning in the end.
What? Is there something on my face?
What is it, food?
About four feet across.
And lockable, obviously.
What kind of animal is it for?
Erm... different types.
Well, I need to know
for the gaps in the bars, you see.
Oh. Of course.
Let's say a very big dog.
About the size of a man?
What? It's OK. Relax.
We get a lot of business from
the S&M community. Not a problem.
I've even dabbled a bit myself.
Oh, oh... a cage for sex.
That's embarrassing.
I was obviously embarrassed
to say that I wanted a sex cage.
But now that that's out in the open,
th-that's wonderful.
Now, where are they? What's this?
Last job I did, they sent me these,
as a kind of thank you.
I'll throw them in.
No charge.
Oh, that would be lovely.
Yes. Thank you.
Cheerio. Goodbye.
Unbelievable. Tell me,
is there anybody left in Bristol
who can have a shag
without being tied up first?
What? I've had two tradesmen
think that I'm a pervert today. Two.
And the last one, apparently
he soundproofs dungeons all the time.
Well, better they think you're a
nonce than a werewolf, surely.
I'm sorry. Who are you?
His name's Sykes.
He's dead.
Apparently very good at closing
doors.
Door doors.
Ah.
So can you teach Annie how to do
this?
Maybe. Maybe not.
I'm sorry, why are you here again?
Mitchell!
He's... Ah...! Sorry.
Can I have a word with you, please?
Now.
Yeah.
So. Been dead long?
Er, you are not my dad.
Oh, come on, Annie, all the stuff
that's been happening lately.
This guy just happens to turn up.
They could have taken me, right
there and then. And he saved me.
And I had to drag him here, only to have
you act like an overprotective father.
Come on. Ease up.
Mmm.
How's George? Not good.
Hyper. Fixed grin.
He's not even mentioning Nina.
Well, that's not healthy.
He needs to talk about it.
Annie needs protection.
So if you know of ways that can help
her, then surely it's your duty.
OK, OK,
cards on the table.
Do you wanna know why
I don't wanna teach you?
Because there's only one passing
grade.
Anything less than an A plus,
then they've got you. You're gone.
And I really don't want that
on my conscience.
Sykes, if you don't teach me,
then I'm gone anyway.
0900 tomorrow.
That's if it's OK
with your two dads.
It's absolutely fine
with my two dads.
Thank you.
Well, I liked him.
Hey, it's probably not the best time
to ask, but can we swap rooms?
It's a whole size thing with the
cage and it's just... Yeah, you can...
It's just something to think about.
You take your time.
My name is Campbell
and I'm a blood addict.
It's been nine days since my last
drink.
And boy, don't I know it.
But I'm just hoping that
with the support of this new group,
I'll be able to make it ten days.
Then 11, and keep going.
Stay on the straight and narrow.
Stay dry.
Well done, well done.
Please don't say
you got that idea from me.
You should be pleased!
Pleased?!
Don't be fucking ridiculous!
It's like when they dress up
those bears and make them dance
for the tourists in Istanbul.
Have you ever seen that?
No, I can't say I have.
Well, this great big mountain
of power and fury,
done up in a fez and a waistcoat.
And all the time, you're
just waiting for it to wake up,
realise what it is
and tear someone's throat out.
Do you ever actually see it happen?
Yeah, yeah, I did. Horrific.
I mean, I've got photos.
If you want, you can...
I want you to sign up.
Go clean with us.
OK. OK, Mitchell, now you just tell
me why I would want to do that.
Because you're a legend.
You're one of the old ones.
If you go clean, then overnight,
this programme is suddenly legitimate.
I think I'd better rephrase
the question.
What do I get out of it?
This is just the beginning.
When it starts to bite,
every single one of those poor
bastards are gonna go through hell.
The thirst. The pain.
The desire.
The memories.
Just think, Ivan, all that feeling.
Each moment,
a stab of pure undiluted sensation.
Sorry about this.
The Principal will be back soon.
It's fine.
Can I get you a drink?
Tea, coffee, water?
Water would be great, thanks.
Oh. D'you mind
having your water in a mug?
No, that would be fine.
Never feels right, though, does it?
Water in a mug?
Well, I'll just pretend it's tea.
No-one'll know.
And you get the granny mug
no-one else wants.
Ooh, now you're just spoiling me.
Thanks.
Is she yours? Mm?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Molly. Just turned seven.
It's a good age.
It is a good age.
Have you got any yourself?
Oh, no, no.
I never really found the right...
No.
No kids.
What's wrong with you?
Sorry?
That's the thought that springs
most immediately to mind when I...
see a CV like this.
Massively overqualified
for what we do here.
Yeah, I thought that might be a
problem. I would like to point out
that I've been a hospital porter
for the last two years.
So this really would be for me
a big step up.
Which brings me back
to my original question.
What's wrong with you?
Why settle for being a porter?
Why settle for... here?
Two years ago, I had an accident.
And it was quite traumatic.
And I didn't really feel able to do
anything apart from manual labour.
But, as of now,
I feel ready to re-enter the world.
Erm, of languages.
For their agents,
they usually pick the mentally weak.
The depressed, insane, alcoholics.
Like the guy yesterday.
But learn to read auras
and you can spot them a mile off.
What do you make of this
likely looking fella here?
Ooh, seedy.
Desperate. Having a midlife crisis.
I meant from his aura.
This is like those Magic Eye things.
I could never do those either.
Just give it time.
Something grey.
It's like it's in his head.
It's a tumour. Yes!
No, no, gosh, no.
No, that's terrible.
Well, we have to let him know
somehow.
I think he already knows.
So, theoretically,
I could read your aura.
Well, yes, I suppose.
Oh, go on, let me.
I need the practice.
You're not wearing ladies' underwear
or something, are you?
You stay out of there,
do you hear me?
Look, I'll do what I can to help.
But, please. That's my only rule.
Sure. Sorry.
I didn't think.
Hey, Lucy. Hello.
Look, I've been thinking about this
whole me being a closed book thing, right.
How's this for a deal?
20 questions and I have to answer
them totally truthfully.
That's not so much a conversation,
more like a job application.
I think it's a remarkable offer
for somebody as closed off
as I plainly am.
Go, first question.
OK. Where were you yesterday?
An AA meeting.
Seriously? Yeah.
But don't freak out.
So that's your big bad secret, is it?
You could say that.
Hang on. No.
I saw you had a drink the other day.
Yeah. Well, let's just say alcohol
wasn't my drug of choice
and leave it at that.
But I've been clean for a while now.
Oh, my God. This is real, isn't it?
Yeah.
So, um... I take it you're doing
the whole 12-step thing?
Pretty much.
Including making amends
to those you have wronged?
Because I should definitely be
on that list.
So how can I make it up to you?
I'll think about it. But I should
stress, you are not off the hook.
And I still have 20 questions.
So, can I take it
that's the mysterious Lucy?
Yeah. What do you reckon?
She's out of your league.
Thank you, George.
Seriously, there must be some other
reason for her chatting you up.
Like access to drugs.
She's a doctor.
She can steal her own drugs.
Oh, so she's on drugs.
That makes perfect sense.
You see, it's pep talks like this
I'm really going to miss.
Yes, you are. Because
I've just handed in my notice.
As of now, I am a language teacher,
just pretending to be a porter.
Wow. Read that.
Shit. Take it easy!
Ah, don't worry about it.
He's got enough tranqs in him
to keep a horse out.
All right?
They'll knock out a human.
Don't know about a wolf.
Thank you, Mitchell.
Tick!
I love lists.
Yeah, you do.
Hello, Nina.
Ow... Ah.
Just wait a second.
Are we sure about this?
Have we changed anything about the
procedure since it killed the last one?
No, but look, she has
a completely different physiology.
I have a nosebleed. Hello?
Should this be happening?
Hello, Nina. Um...
Just... Just relax.
It's all part of the process.
This is how we learn.
God, please!
This is how we help them.
We can recalculate for the next one.
Please stop!
The next one? George Sands.
Fine, but surely the best way
to reach him is through Nina.
We're actually at full moon.
Lower the pressure.
Any sudden drop in pressure now
will probably kill her.
Chances are she will explode like the
last four. I said lower the pressure!
All right, OK.
There.
You see - it wasn't
a complete waste of time.
We now know that a werewolf doesn't
have to be conscious in order to change.
When she changes back tomorrow,
tell her we had a malfunction.
If you want to bring George Sands
in,
you need to keep Nina alive and
believing.
Would you like to see
the most beautiful sight
in all of God's creation?
It's a sleeping werewolf.
It's eight hours
of a sleeping werewolf.
Oh, wow. I mean,
it's not literally, obviously.
I set it to time-lapse function, so
it's taking a frame a minute, I think,
so that's technically not...
George, shh. Enjoy the moment.
George, I'm so happy for you.
I've done it.
I've put the wolf to sleep.
I'm free.
I don't know what to do first.
Maybe take a shower?
Oh, God! You are ripe!
Oh, get off! Oh, you stink!
You stink! Get off!
Hello, everyone.
My name is Mr Sands.
And I'm here to teach English
as a foreign language.
Now, I'm going to kick off today's
lesson
with the two uses of the phrase
"used to".
Such as, "I used to have long hair",
or, "I got used to
walking home from the woods".
Er, yes? What is "F" word?
Well, I... I don't think this is
exactly covered on the lesson plan,
so we'll skip over that one.
Then why they not say "fuck"?
Yes, OK, yes, I know I'm new,
and you probably do this
to all the new teachers, but...
No, no, no. We need to know these
things. No-one tell us.
They tell us about mouse and mice,
and woman and women.
But people laugh at us
we don't know what is "F" word.
We need to know these things.
Do you know what?
You're absolutely right.
Swearing is a part of English and
it's a huge part of social interaction.
OK, yes, so for ten minutes
every lesson,
I am going to teach you
about swearing.
They use them to recruit agents,
to spy on us,
and sometimes, to come through.
Don't I know it.
If they're in control, there's
a frequency that you can feel.
It's low. Like a bass hum.
Now, if that happens here,
we're done.
OK. Right.
'Moderate temperatures... '
Try.
'.. back in the north, we can see a clear
picture on both sides of the Great Glen.
'To Europe... '
Well done.
'.. throughout the country... ' Again.
'We can see a high pressure front
from the west
'which will create a very pleasant
outlook for all of the west coast
'and all areas of the south. '
This time it's like there's something
blocking me. Is it them?
No, sorry, that's me.
Want to get your tongue off the
floor? What? A man's got eyes.
It's like training with Benny Hill.
Who?
Have you watched TV
at all since you died?
No. I wonder why!
We need to expose you to modern
culture. Annie...
Start with Sex And The City. Annie!
Shall we try something else?
.. which stands for...
"shut the fuck up".
Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
All together...
Shut the fuck up. Mr Sands.
A word, please.
Excuse me.
I took a very big chance
employing you.
Mmm? I want you to understand that.
Say that you understand that.
I'm sorry. It won't happen again.
Say you understand that.
Oh, you... you actually
want me to say it?
Yes.
I... I understand that.
What do you understand?
Um, that you took a very big risk
in employing me.
That's right. I did.
And what I did not expect to see,
in your first week,
is you teaching my students
profanities.
Say, "It will never happen again".
It will never happen... again.
Wonderful.
OK.
Who'd like to start?
My name is Ivan.
I'm a blood addict.
It's been part of me for so long,
you know. It defined me.
The thought of life without it seemed
absurd, it's futile to even try.
And then I realised that...
.. I belonged to this hunger of ours.
195 years of servitude.
You think about that.
Think about that and tell me...
that it isn't time to stop.
Well said!
Enjoy your chicken, sir.
I'm going to enjoy this.
What? I'm hungry. Yeah.
So, erm, how are you finding it?
Oh, yeah. It's great.
Students, an absolute joy. Mm-hm.
I've seen your CV,
you'll be gone in six months.
You must be dying of boredom.
No, I'm not. When you've had the kind of
dangerous, hair-raising life that I have,
the idea of boredom
just seems... really exciting.
You've lived a dangerous life?
Oh, yeah.
That whole porter job,
that was just a cover-up.
I'm actually... A spy?
Well, I was going to go for
superhero, but that's fine.
And what were your powers?
Extreme hairiness.
Cocks!
What are we doing back here?
We've only just left
and I do not need a break.
This isn't a break. This is a test.
You should be strong enough
to do this. Do what?
Madame, monsieur, I believe you
have the seven o'clock reservation.
If you'd like to follow me.
What's all this?
I put them in ascending order of
bowl size and intensity of flavour,
from left to right, obviously.
That's very thorough of you.
So, what are we testing?
Your ability to taste. What?
I can do that?
That's what we're here to find out.
Right, now, place your hands
on either side of his head.
Are you sure you're all right with
this? Oh, yeah. Go for it.
Thank you, George.
You're a star.
OK. Ooh!
It's tingly. Sorry.
No, it's fine. I like it.
OK, Annie, close your eyes and
imagine it's you sitting at the table.
Imagine you're opening the dish
and eating what's inside.
It's cold.
I can feel cold, cold on my tongue!
Your tongue.
Anything else?
Er, bright.
A bright flavour. Um...
Lemon? Wow!
I can taste lemon. It's lemon.
Yes. It's lemon sorbet. Top marks.
Oh, my gosh!
Concentrate. Stick with it. OK.
Um, meat? Lots of meat?
Mm-hm, you betcha.
Whoa!
Are you OK?
Um, yeah.
Yeah, but I don't feel very well.
Can we stop now? Of course.
Thanks for all your help, George.
Oh, no, that's, um... that's fine.
I'll, er...
I'll just throw... all of this
in the bin, then, shall I?!
Wow!
Clearly somebody's been watching
a bit too much Gordon Ramsay.
I'm sorry about him.
A walk through Venice is like
a walk through ancient history.
Unperturbed, fantastic...
See you later.
Take it easy now, guys, see you next
time. Keep strong. Hey, Mitchell.
Another good meeting,
another seven on board.
Yeah. We need more tea and biscuits.
Having you as our poster boy
hasn't hurt.
I'm going to be giving out
autographs soon.
It's like being in a fucking
boy band.
The thought of you in a boy band
is disturbing on so many levels.
The thing about boy bands is,
it's all about image, isn't it?
Behind closed doors they can be,
you know, dressing up as Girl Guides,
snorting coke, fucking swans.
You know, all that matters
is what happens on that stage, right?
Where are you going with this?
I can't do it.
I thought I could, I wanted to,
I swear,
but... I've never gone this long
without blood.
Oh, come on.
It's only been a few days!
Yeah, after 195 fucking years!
Do you know how many people
are in that room because of you?
If you quit...
I am not gonna quit.
So what are you saying?
I may be many things, Mitchell,
but I am a man of my word.
I will stand in that room and talk
about how brave and strong we all are,
how this is a fight that we can win.
I will do that for as long
as you need me to, but I...
.. I cannot do it... dry.
Do you have any idea
what you're asking me to do?
I could say the same to you.
- Emergency contact number?
- Mitchell.
07700900345... 5.
That your brother?
No. We live together.
Housemates.
Ah...
I am so sorry, I thought...
I thought you wanted to...
No, no, I'm sorry.
If I'm honest, I put that folder
behind you on purpose.
So, the computer crash
that wiped my file...?
Not so much of a crash,
more of a me pressing delete.
That's very devious.
Hello, you. Hello yourself.
Ooh! OK, sorry,
I didn't know whether or not...
It's OK. We can work on that.
So, how was your morning?
Oh, you know, the usual. Bollocks!
I know. Class four...
Listen, let me buy you a drink,
cheer you up.
Er, I don't know.
I'm suddenly feel a bit... Shit!
Oh. Are you ill? Mmm.
Are you going to throw up?
Oh, well... let me help you.
Fuck! Balls! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Shit!
Parking ticket.
Shit!
P- P-Piss off!
It got even worse today.
This afternoon I had a really bad
attack
in the middle of reading out a
sentence they were supposed to repeat.
Did they repeat it?
Yeah, some of them.
Word for word, effing and jeffing.
Not a care in the world.
This is not funny. I know, I'm sorry.
This can't be happening to me.
This can't. I teach language.
Well, you... you could teach bad
language!
Stop. Just stop. Stop laughing!
George!
What the fuck are you doing?!
And did I mention I've been getting
a little bit angry lately?
Yeah. We've noticed.
I got cocky, didn't I?
I thought I could put the wolf to
sleep. Like it would be that easy.
Come on, we don't know that
this is anything to do with that.
Yes, we do.
It's like I can feel him pacing in
his cage up here, and he feels cheated.
He feels aggrieved because I didn't
let him out, I didn't let him rage,
and he wants to rage so very much.
On the bus home today,
there was this kid, about 16,
and he was playing one of those
phones that has a little speaker,
and he was playing it really loudly
and nobody was saying anything,
and I wanted to kill him.
I really wanted to kill him.
I pictured myself picking up that phone
and smashing it into his face
over and over and over...
But you didn't, George.
You didn't give in to it.
Yeah. You controlled yourself.
That's the main thing.
He got off the bus.
So, do you have the package?
You think that's funny?
Well, you know,
I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
So, why do I suddenly feel like
a turd in a swimming pool?
Just answer me this, did you ever
actually think you could go dry,
or was it just another one of your
games?
I thought I could do it.
I thought I was powerful enough.
I was wrong. OK?
You know, Mitchell, eventually
it just makes children of us all.
Don't kill her, Ivan,
do you hear me? You're the boss.
Don't I know it.
Please, no!
How many do you have now?
How many vampires are not drinking
right now, because of us?
You're saving lives, Mitchell.
Yeah.
I'm a fucking hero. Enjoy your meal.
It's time.
I think you're ready for your exam.
I think you're strong enough.
What do you mean?
Where did you die? Is it far?
Ta-da! Right.
Turn on all the radios,
the TV, anything electrical.
How long do you think it'll take?
Not long. It's a honey pot now.
Show time.
Good luck.
And in other news today,
a young woman was killed
in a tragic fall in the home...
Poor little me.
I fell down the stairs
and now I'm dead.
Yeah. I am.
Poor little me.
My fiance did it.
He didn't love me at all.
No. I really don't think that he did.
Have you told her what you did?
No, she doesn't need to know that.
Sykes? What does she mean?
Of all the men who died because
of your mistake, your cowardice?
Oh, God!
- Save me!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I failed you. If I could go back...
Sykes! Sykes, focus!
It's just you and me now,
little girl.
We could eat you up.
You're one of them, aren't you? Hmm?
You might've put on my face,
but you're one of The Men.
It's just tricks.
You put on a mask to frighten me.
You convince people to hurt me.
You've got to keep me scared because
you can't actually do anything.
We can drag you to hell
any time we wanted.
I thought you were an army of devils,
but you're not.
You're a magician...
who's come to the end of his act.
And this?
This was your big finish?
It's pretty poor.
You've lost your audience.
Where are you going?
I think that's a pass.
It's unprecedented -
a nest of vampires renouncing blood
led by... one that's clean.
Clean?
Perhaps this will change your mind.
The funeral parlour. Their
base of operations for 27 years.
Then came their regime change
and the premises were abandoned.
Until, that is, six days ago,
when they moved back in.
Hang on, why haven't I heard about
this? And what does it tell us?
That vampires are despicable
and craven creatures.
It's just a building.
One that happens to be very
convenient for the disposal of bodies.
As much as I respect your
spirit of forgiveness, Professor,
I do worry that
you've lost sight of the difference
between a werewolf and a vampire.
That isn't remotely patronising!
For the werewolves, we are
trying to free an innocent soul.
For the vampires, the battle's lost.
There is no soul to save.
He is capable of change.
And I will prove it.
Oh, look, I've been sharpening it so
much that I've just got a little one.
I wonder if you could get me a...
a bigger one?
Would you? Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Oh, now, that's a nice big one. I
like a nice big one. Don't you, Sam?
No. I do not like a big one.
Not what I've heard!
Hilarious!
Just calm the fuck down!
F...
Oh, sh... Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
George?
Are you all right? Yeah, hi, Sam!
I'm fine. How are you?
I'm just doing some paperwork.
I, er... I heard about
what's been happening.
Your swearing. Oh.
I just want you to know, it doesn't
matter to me, not in the slightest.
It doesn't?
Why would it?
You don't mean to say those words,
it's not you, it's not who you are.
Because who you are
is the nicest guy I know.
Who owes me lunch!
OK.
Fuck you!
One step at a time, tiger!
Ah, shit.
Ah! Ah!
Wha...?!
"Mr Sands suck cocks"?!
That's...
For God's sake!
It's "Mr Sands sucks cocks".
Singular, not plural, you...
Have I taught you nothing?
"Sucks".
Are you vandalising that mirror?
Er... no.
No, I'm not.
I saw you writing on it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it'd be best if I just
go.
Do you think you can come here and
do whatever you like, is that it?
Swear at the students.
Write filth on the walls.
Please, just let me go.
No, no, no.
I want an apology. OK.
OK. I am sorry.
For what?
I'm sorry for writing graffiti
on the mirror.
And?
And I'm sorry
for swearing at the students.
And?
And for daring to date a woman
so way out of your league.
And for... daring to...
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
Oh!
Why couldn't you...
Why couldn't you just... let me leave!
You tell anybody about this,
I will come back and
I will finish off the fucking job.
Not the police,
not Sam,
not anybody.
Do you understand?
Do you know what I don't get?
People still can't see me.
I thought that at least
I would be visible again.
Annie, you were never meant
to be visible in the first place.
There's a natural order.
There's life, there's the door,
and then somewhere in between them,
there's the ghosts.
But you...
You were something different.
A crease in the cloth, a...
In a plane, you have this thing
called an artificial horizon.
It's this little gauge
and you have to keep it flat.
And that's order.
You tipped the world
too much in one direction
and sooner or later,
it had to right itself.
What happened to you, Sykes?
In battle, you don't have the time
to think everything through.
You make the right choice,
your men live.
I made the wrong choice.
I've had 70 years to think about it.
And that's why I didn't want to help
you.
I didn't want to have...
responsibility again.
I didn't want more blood on my
hands.
Is that why you're still here?
I go through that door
and I know who's waiting for me.
Maybe they'll welcome me now,
but maybe not.
I'm a coward, Annie. No.
That's one thing you will never be.
On the plus side, you don't have to
worry about the gatekeepers any more.
Yay! Not after what you did today.
From now on,
the door will be your choice.
Why would I ever choose to go
through?
The world will change around you.
You'll see people fall in love,
have children, grow old and die.
All the things you can't do
any more.
It'll be like watching the world
through a glass wall
and eventually,
it becomes unbearable.
Well, that's a cheery thought!
Ah, but then...
But then you'll find something else.
What?
The next adventure.
What's that supposed to mean?
That's strictly need-to-know.
Dismissed.
Good work. Good work tonight.
Safe home, yeah?
You look great, as usual.
See you next time.
OK. OK.
Thanks for being here.
I'll see you next time.
I'll see you next time. What a story!
See you.
That was great.
I want this animal sent
kicking and screaming to hell,
and you're the man to do it.
I don't kill any more.
But you're a vampire.
Is that even possible?
Hello, little lady. You must be
Molly. You've got dog breath.
Single mother, penniless,
lives with her mum.
I'm just gonna turn my back now
for three seconds
just to give you the opportunity
to run for the hills.
I'm going to ask Sam and Molly
to move in with me.
Two hours, but that's it.
Oh, look, he won't be a problem.
What is that?
A baby. It's one of mine.
How long have I been gone?!
I signed on to this
to study the genetics of evil.
Since when did assassinating
vampires become part of the brief?