Being Human (2008–2013): Season 1, Episode 4 - Another Fine Mess - full transcript
Mitchell makes friends with a boy on the street named Bernie, but after a terrible misunderstanding things turn very nasty, and before long there is a full-blown witch-hunt in the neighbourhood.
They thought that if you saw the film,
you'd want me and you'd come back.
They thought you couldn't
stop yourself.
I don't really see where this
relationship is headed any more.
- You can't do this on your own.
- So maybe I won't.
Lauren!
Annie was killed by Owen.
- Owen, please look.
- Bitch!
Where do I belong?
Where do I fit?
Who are my people?
Where do my loyalties lie?
We all choose our tribe.
It's that need to belong,
to live within boundaries.
Cos it's scary on the outside,
on the fringes...
Some labels are forced on us.
They mark us,
set us apart till we're like ghosts,
just...
drifting through
other people's lives.
But only if we let the labels hold.
You can piss your whole life away
trying out who you might be.
It's when you've worked out
who you are
that you can really start to live.
A Cup of Team
Tr: Chocolate
Where are you hiding her, Seth?
Where's Lauren?
He never rings, he never writes...
Go and get her.
She's coming with me.
I'm sorry, Mitchell,
it's really not gonna happen.
You don't get to decide this,
Herrick.
Well, I do, actually, because...
you just keep hurting her, Mitchell.
You just keep hurting her!
You recruit her, that's fine.
But then you just leave her!
She wakes up with us,
she doesn't know where she is,
she's calling for you...
So, fine, we pick up the pieces best
we can, but then... Jesus Christ!
- Then you try and take her back.
- She's the one who came to me.
Where else is she gonna go?
She couldn't exactly call ChildLine?
When I recruited you,
I didn't abandon you.
I took care of you.
Do you know why?
- Because it was my responsibility.
- I was helping her.
What, by getting her
to buy into this...
ridiculous... your fad?
My what?
This thing you're doing
with you and your furry friend.
Raiding the dressing-up box,
pretending to be human. It's a game!
It's... this is not a game!
Meeting in hotels
like you're what? Lovers?
You rip her mortality away then you
try and patch it up with these...
scraps of human behaviour.
That is cruel, Mitchell.
Why can't you just let her
be the thing you made her?
- And leave her to the likes of you?
- Well, at least we're consistent.
Herrick, you forced her to screw a man,
then kill him while you filmed it.
So you watched it then?
Well, I didn't know what it was.
Till the end.
- What was that?
- You watched it.
To the end.
When the guy died.
Like I said,
I didn't know what it was.
How...
thorough.
Look, you go and do your thing.
Maybe you need to get it
out of your system.
You go and do your thing
and come on home.
There'll always be
a place for you here,
just like there was for Lauren.
- Mind your feet!
- Oh... What happened here?
- Just dropped a plate.
- Right.
- Did you just...?
- Tell me honestly, is this too flash?
I can't imagine ever saying yes,
but a bit of context might help.
Right, yes, sorry.
I'm seeing Nina later.
Not-not-not a date.
Really, really, really not a date.
Not a date in a pub, not a date
in a restaurant or...
not a date
in another date-like situation?
Gastropub. Not a date
in a gastropub. Annie?
You look like bar staff.
Fair enough.
Last time I wore it, someone did ask
if the jalfrezi was off, so...
This mug, did it
just move on its own?
Yeah, right.
Maybe it fell out with the other mugs
and decided he needed some time
on his own.
Well? This, non-date, you gonna
break it to her you cross-dress?
Bit much?
You-you-you agree with him?
- It's hideous.
- Yeah, well,
I kept the receipt.
So?
Can we just forget
about the mug and the plate?
What happened with the plate?
When did this start?
After I found out about Owen.
And for all I know, this could be
perfectly normal.
You find out your fianc?e
murdered you, you become a...
- a throwing-things-about ghost.
- Poltergeist.
See, you know the terms,
you understand how this works.
D'you think I can channel it?
I have been dying to pull
that fridge out and clean behind it.
Annie, you're still dealing with the
fact that you were killed by Owen.
Maybe cleaning the kitchen
isn't the best way to go about it.
You really can't control it, huh?
Oh, that just looks like
you can't be arsed.
- Really?
- Really.
Maybe I don't need your advice.
Maybe I understand
women a bit better than you think.
You're one of those guys.
What guys?
Turns bumptious
once he's getting laid.
I've always been... I'm not...
And don't, please, no don't
call it'getting laid'.
With Nina, it's more... poetic
Oh, yes, oh, yes, very funny.
The werewolf's a romantic. Though...
the sex was verging on ferocious.
- Shit... shit.
- What?
No, nothing.
Oh, no, no... it's just occurred
to me I was on the jaws of a...
change when me and Nina...
Yeah, yeah.
You know, I had the wolf in me.
So did Nina.
Stop sniggering, this is not a joke.
I really, really like Nina and I...
thought that...
well, I hoped that she liked me.
But what if she's only interested
in the wolf?
Thank you for, "Oh, no, George,
how could that be possible?".
- Nobody wants you here.
- What you on about?
I can do whatever I want.
- Oi, lads, what are you doing?
- Piss off!
- Run that by me again?
- You heard.
He reckons he can take us!
- You're about three!
- This your boyfriend?
- Leave him alone.
- Fuck off, Goth boy.
- Don't push your luck.
- Cos you'll do what?
- Don't.
- Or what?
You don't wanna know.
Yeah, I do. Why I asked.
No, no really... You don't.
- Keep away from him, Misses.
- He's an alien freak!
I could've seen them off myself.
I couldn't at your age.
- No?
- No. That was payback there
on all the little bastards
who used to have a pop at me.
Yeah?
Between us,
I was the dorkiest of dorks.
What's going on?
Who were those boys?
- Retards from school.
- Bernie!
They were giving your son
a bit of grief.
He is your son, isn't he?
- Yeah. Who are you?
- He helped me see them off.
I'm Mitchell.
I'm just across the way there.
You see,
that's modern living for you.
I don't know half the neighbours.
They could have Osama bin Laden
stashed away at number six
and I wouldn't know!
- Yeah...
- Fleur.
- I'm sorry?
- Me.
I know it sounds like acid reflux,
but it's my name. Fleur.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is Bernie.
You're coming in for a cuppa.
Camomile.
Right.
- No coffee then?
- Little shits!
I say this as a mother,
but children are foul.
- Thanks.
- Not you.
It's just the way
they treat each other.
You know, picking on anyone
who's different...
- I'm not different.
- Yes, you are.
You're sensitive, you're kind
different to those little thugs.
- Mum, you make me sound gay.
- Oi!
I'll tell Uncle Frank
and Uncle Paolo that you said that!
There is no shame in being
sensitive...
- is there, Mitchell?
- Not at all.
You can't blame the children.
Not when you consider the parents.
Jesus!
Sorry.
- No, we're not born arseholes.
- Mum, you're shaming me.
And you're one of the good guys.
Poor Keisha's in a right state.
She's been puking. I mean
really retching her guts up...
I... get the picture.
Both ends. I mean, it's blatantly
a hangover but someone...
- has to go in and cover her shift.
- Course.
Look, you've dressed up
and everything.
- No, no, I always wear... black.
- You're pissed off with me.
Nina, no, your... your commitment...
to your job, it...
it's so attractive.
Your passion, your... your
your... your commitment,
it... it... it's up there with...
- My breasts?
- No.
So they're not all that then?
No. Yes. Yes... yes.
No it's...
it's just, it's just a gesture.
Yeah. Look...
we may not make the restaurant,
but I've still got an hour...
before I need to leave, so...
Get a takeaway?
George!
Oh. Oh, you mean, we could erm...
We could,
couldn't we?
We could, yes, absolutely...
but look, the thing is,
you... you might be expecting
this kind of...
Bloody hell!
- Too hard?
- Yeah, just a bit!
I thought you liked it rough.
Now... Well...
This is what I need to say, Nina.
Look I'm not anti the rough stuff,
not-not-not at all but-but...
It won't always be
like the other night.
Oh, thank God.
I thought you were impressed.
More... stunned.
So... so... slow things down a bit?
If that's all right with you?
That's fine with me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting
we wear those weird chastity rings
American kids have,"We're not shagging
cos we're mentals" but I just...
Just rewind a little.
To flowers and romance.
Exactly.
Hey.
Hey! How's it going?
- All right.
- Cool.
Oh, it's you. Twice in two days.
Are we being stalked?
No. Am I?
Not unless you're
on your way to Tesco's, no.
I've got some people over for dinner
tonight and can I be bothered?
Why'd you invite them?
I was drunk.
- You on trolley-pushing duty?
- As if! I'm going into town.
Wanna come?
- Course he doesn't.
- I don't mind. I'm only mooching.
Oh, yeah, I forgot,
yeah, all men are kids at heart.
- His dad's the same when he's over.
- Him and mum have split.
- But we're on Skype all the time.
- Oh, yeah!
He treats you like
a playmate doesn't he?
Any excuse to crack open the Lego.
- I'll take him out.
- Mum?
- Do you mind?
- What?
Well, me tagging along with him.
I mean, you hardly know me.
I don't believe in
wrapping kids in cotton wool.
I mean, have to make their
own way in the end, don't they?
- Go on, have a good time.
- Thank you.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- Bye-bye.
You didn't see that. No.
- Mitchell, when you were a kid...
- Yeah?
What did you want to be
when you grew up?
God.
- Just happy, I suppose.
- That it?
People didn't really
have careers back then.
Where I came from you either
ended up in the church,
- or in the army, like me, or...
- You were in the army!
- That's so cool!
- Yeah, it so isn't.
Were you in a war? Did you fight?
Mostly I did. Or ran away.
Have you killed people?
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
it-it was different back then,
it was there was less choice.
So just "happy" would do, you know?
And you are happy?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm getting there.
Jesus! This is getting embarrassing.
Oh, well done! You show him
how it's played, kid.
I'll just be a second Bernie.
Aren't you going to introduce me
to your friend?
- But it's your turn!
- You take it for me.
- You're killing again.
- No.
Honestly, no.
I can see it in you,
Oh I can smell it.
God, it's always about the
blood with you isn't it?
Like that's all there is.
There's a whole dark world, and
you're obsessing about what we eat.
Could you cut to the bit
where you make me feel guilty,
- try and drag me back, make a scene...
- Not this time.
No guilt trip, no appeal,
no tricks, no tears.
OK. What do you want?
I've come to say goodbye.
We've got the message,
we're leaving you alone.
What?
You've made your decision,
and we're respecting it.
Maybe one day
you'll change your mind.
But for now...
I guess we're done.
Bernie, I won't be long, OK?
- This is a trick?
- Mitchell...
- I'm serious, I'm not coming back.
- I know!
We get it! Jesus, I am saying
this out loud, aren't I?
Your friend will be waiting for you.
And I've gotta run.
There was one more thing.
I wanted to say it's OK.
- What is?
- Me.
What you did to me.
There's no bitterness.
I love it.
Take care of yourself.
Yeah,
you too.
Lauren, look,
I know how it feels now but...
God, the film...
We just do things differently,
that's all.
Strike!
You OK?
Oh, you're bleeding.
You're not going to be sick,
are you?
- What?
- Mum always is.
I got a nosebleed in Morrison's and
she threw up in a freezer cabinet.
Well, what do you know.
I guess I'm fine.
It's party time.
- What the fuck?
- We've got a visitor.
Hi. My new mate, Bernie.
Hello, lickle man.
There's a boy like that at school.
Bernie's 12, George.
Big one-two. Not four.
Ah... duh.
You wanna a lager, Bernie?
- Pop will be fine.
- Have a ciggy if you like.
- Mitchell smokes indoors.
- I don't smoke.
Twelve.
So am I invited to this party then?
What...
what you looking at?
It-it-it's neck exercises.
It's really good to...
Stand up for me, it's just good
to stretch out the neck
just before eating lots of cake
and crisps and biscuits.
Really take it over there
Bernie, really stretch
just, just to allow
the passage from the mouth
into the stomach a clear path.
Oh, Mitchell,
is any of this technically food?
- Probably not.
- What?
Get stuck in.
Oh, sorry, excuse me.
- You round at Nina's last night?
- Yeah. Ah, Mitchell, she's...
Oh, it always comes down to breasts.
How how is that even remotely...
Nina's George's new girlfriend.
It's why he's so knackered.
- Twelve!
- Well, if she's got big...
Whoa, no we're taking it slowly,
thank you, actually.
I always thought Owen and I
would have parties like these.
For our own kids.
Better catering, obviously.
Always wanted a boy.
Tell him, Mitchell.
Tell him...
never make plans.
Never hope. Never dream....
Oh, isn't this
the jolliest of parties?
Pass the party rings, Bernie!
- How did you...
- He didn't.
- No one did.
- No. It's fine, stay where you are...
Dustpan and brush,
dustpan and brush.
Who are they?
Are you serious?
That's Laurel and Hardy!
Was the fat one Prime Minister?
Oh, he might be thinking
of Churchill. Or Hitler.
Same tache.
Go to my room,
it's upstairs besides the bathroom.
Go to the bookcase, find the first
Laurel and Hardy DVD you can find
and promise me
you'll watch it tomorrow.
You will laugh more than
you've ever laughed before.
How has he not ever
heard of Laurel and Hardy?
They're like the
funniest men who ever lived!
Oh, that's someone who's
never seen Ace Ventura.
Yeah, and
that's someone with no taste.
You, my friend, have a soppy streak.
You keep it hidden really, very
deeply hidden,
but it's there.
- Look after you two, don't I?
- Yeah, right.
The way you are with him...
Is there a risk...?
You know, it's like...
When we were out bowling,
he cut his head,
it was like that thirst
for blood wasn't there. It was like,
like the human me
won through, you know?
Hey,
- how was it?
- It was the best night ever!
Great.
Well, that puts all your Christmases
and birthdays into perspective.
I let him OD on sugar. He says
he eats more healthily at your house.
Yeah, with the Wicked Witch.
- Ah c'mon.
- Oh, just ignore me.
- I've had too many home measures.
- We know.
Gin, mostly.
It was my pleasure.
- Hey, thank you.
- Yeah.
See ya.
How's your head, love?
Fine. How's yours?
Are you watching this?
- What do you think?
- Great.
I want it back on for Countryfile.
You know what
I can't get my head around?
Quantum mechanics?
Bernie not knowing Laurel and Hardy.
Immortality can
make you feel so old.
He's a good kid, though, isn't he?
Thoughtful, well mannered.
Reminds me so much
of me at that age.
The rampaging ego
came much later then?
We all build some sort of defence
against the world. Like sarcasm.
Those party rings are not sitting
well on me today.
I wonder which film he picked.
Kid needs a few laughs. We all do.
And that's another fine mess
you got me into.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Mitchell!
Get out here now, you sick,
twisted lowlife!
What?
I don't know how you've got
the nerve to show your face!
- You just called me out here.
- Yeah, that's very clever.
But that's how your sort work,
isn't it?
You turn on the charm, the wit,
you sucker people in...
Hang on a second, will you tell
me what this is all about, please?
Yeah, don't worry. I'll tell
everyone what this is about!
What's going on?
I'll tell the whole world
your nasty little secret.
What?
Getting close to
defenceless children...
- Dirty bastard!
- Winning them over,
making friends with them,
and then showing them filth!
- Men filth!
- Dirty, dirty bastard!
What are you talking about?
My son.
Making out you're his friend...
just so you can show him
that depravity!
- Laurel and Hardy?
- A naked man.
Hard! Writhing on his bed!
Oh, God no...
Fleur...
You kept the DVD?
I didn't keep it so much as...
not throw it out.
But everything you said
about moving on,
putting Lauren,
that whole lifestyle behind you,
connecting with humanity...
And why hide it in Laurel and Hardy?!
What else have you got up there,
some German scat inside
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
- How many times have you watched it?
- I've never even seen any scat.
Just that first time, to see
what it was. But that...
This is just
what we didn't need, Mitchell.
To draw attention to ourselves.
It was just a stupid mistake.
Well, put it right!
Fleur?
Fleur!
Mitchell!
Fleur, it's not how it looks.
You have to let me explain.
She doesn't have to do anything,
but you...
If you've got any sense
you'll pack up and fuck off.
Cos I'm telling you, we'll make your
life hell if you don't.
Oh, yeah?
You think it gets worse than this?
It could have been any of our boys.
You've asked for it!
I don't need your custom.
Find somewhere else to shop.
Who did that? Who did that,
you dirty little...
Pervert!
I am not the pervert,
that's my housemate.
And... and actually he's not a pervert
either. You've all got it very wrong.
- They got you too?
- I managed to dodge most of it.
Shame the house couldn't.
Covered in rotten tomatoes.
Who keeps their rotten tomatoes?
Who looks in the salad cooler,
sees their tomatoes are on the turn,
and thinks, "I'll hang on to those,
in case some paedos move in opposite"?
It'll blow over soon.
Wankers!
If they want us out...
then they're succeeding.
Cos I can't take this any more.
George! Don't let Annie know
you're even thinking that.
We're all she's got.
I mean it, Mitchell.
This was always going to happen.
Soon as they found out what we are.
They don't know what we are.
They've seen a mob and piled on,
cos it's easier than having to
stop and think.
That's what I should have done.
Thought!
Then I'd never have got Nina
involved in any of this.
- She isn't involved in any of this.
- She's involved with me!
Oh, for...
We've been deluding ourselves
we could ever be accepted here.
By proper human beings.
We are monsters, Mitchell.
We deserve to be cast out.
Guess who.
I know who.
I should hope so.
Are we still on for tomorrow?
No. No, I don't...
I don't think we are.
Right.
I'm missing something here.
I can't do this any more.
- Not... not... not this.
- I know...
I'm sorry, Nina. It's over.
Don't I get told what I've done?
No, it's nothing you've done.
It's me.
No, no, I'm sorry...
saying, "It's not you, it's me,"
is a stabbable offence in my book
and I can get my hands on scalpels.
- You'll have to do better than that.
- I'm bad news, Nina.
I've said so all along.
- Everything I touch turns to shit.
- Because you let it!
- If you're having an attack of...
- You think I'm having a down day?
I'm not. Trust me, there
is stuff you don't know about me.
Really dark, dangerous,
nasty stuff, and
when you do know it you'll walk.
So I am only cutting to the chase.
Well, not chase, because
I will let you go... I will...
I won't come after you.
No, I mean it, Nina! I mean it!
We have no future.
We can't have.
OK, yeah. Yeah, we'll be here.
We'll see you later. OK.
- Bollocks!
- What now?
Owen's on his way over.
- What the f...
- He can't.
Well, he can. It's his house.
- Did you just...
- He can't!
- How did she?
- She's a poltergeist.
Annie, look, you can't be
in this state when Owen arrives.
- How long have you known about this?
- We'll talk about it later!
- You've gotta control it, Annie!
- I don't know how!
- No! That was a present!
- Come on, deep breaths. Breathe.
I can't have him in the same room
knowing what he did!
- I will bring this house down!
- Jesus!
Let's get you upstairs.
We'll do everything we can
to keep Owen down here, OK?
Mitchell!
Boys.
Hey.
- Have we walked in on a domestic?
- No.
Well, have you seen the house?
Not our fault. Be fair.
No. Course.
Come in.
Oh, that was on your doorstep.
Oh. Ta.
Fuckin' hell!
The animals.
I have to wash my hands.
No! Kitchen!
The... the kitchen's...
the kitchen's much nicer.
- There's scented soap.
- Oh, right.
Didn't get any on
the envelope, though.
Impressive aim.
Between you and me,
Mitchell isn't exactly fastidious
about how he leaves the toilet.
I'll...
I'll just get rid of this.
So, Mitchell...
what's all this about?
Human excrement.
Annie.
Annie. Keep it together.
It is like... he's killing me
all over again.
- You muppet.
- It was a simple mix-up.
I never meant for the kid to see it.
Fair enough.
Jim said it was a fella. Tackle out.
I have eclectic tastes.
What you boys
get up to is your own affair.
I have a girlfriend.
That's back on, is it?
You know, I used to keep some
pretty ripe stuff
stashed about the place
when I lived here.
Kept it in my Red Dwarf box set.
One place the missus
was never gonna look.
I still don't feel clean.
So have you told 'em yet?
- Told us what?
- In my own time.
Told us what?
I just don't see the sense
in dragging it out.
What it is, lads...
I can't afford
to wind up the neighbours.
- I mean, we'll wanna move back in.
- One day.
And it's pointless us
taking rent off you,
- to pay it in rent to someone else.
- Yeah.
So...
I'm giving you your notice.
End of the month.
- No, no, you... you can't do that!
- End of next month, sorry.
Whilst we're here,
I thought I'd do some measuring up.
Not to speak ill of the dead, but...
but Owen's late fiancee wasn't
exactly Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen!
- Sweetheart?
- Stain on the carpet.
Look at the colour of those walls.
Place doesn't look like
it's ever had a woman's touch.
Unless it was Rose West.
Talk about gloomy.
I don't know why you didn't
just tell 'em straight
we're moving back.
Men's undies.
First thing on the list,
a linen basket.
I'm not having your boxers
strewn about the place.
- We always saw this as a junk room.
- We did not!
I can see why. It's creepy.
It was going to be the nursery!
Mind you, bit of paint...
cot in the corner...
Your face! I'm joking, Owen.
- Sort of.
- You'd better be!
You're not stealing the whole life
I had planned as well!
Is that door creaking?
Well, I'm not touching it, am I?
We could do this another time?
It's hardly tactful,
those two downstairs.
Tactful?!
Rawl plugs.
Janey, come on.
- Yeah, in a mo.
- Never mind a mo.
Get out. Now. Go.
And there you are.
There's the Owen I remember.
So we'll be in touch about the...
Fucking nonce.
Get walking, you.
What did they have
to say for themselves?
They're history, sweetheart.
Gave them their marching orders.
Good.
Hey! Hey!
You want to stay away from that lot.
They're sick!
So... this is your secret?
Of course it's not.
Oh, and there's one E in "paedo",
not two!
You cretins.
Nina, do I look like a paedo?
If paedos looked like paedos
they'd never do any paedo-ing.
Yes, but I think
you know me a bit better than that!
No, George, I don't. You won't talk!
It's not this. It's not kids.
Then what?
You don't need me and
my problems in your life.
Don't I get to decide that?
God, who was she, George?
Who messed up your head?
Cos if you'd rather have me leave here
thinking you're a paedophile than...
Nina, please. Just go.
I am not... It's not kids,
or anything those idiots
out there say,
but trouble follows me.
Like a curse.
And you deserve so much better.
I would have listened.
Years from now, when you've pushed
everyone away
and you will, let that haunt you.
I would have listened.
Mr Mitchell, I need to take
a statement from you.
A statement? Well, to be fair,
at this stage it's more of a chat.
Someone's made a very serious
allegation about you, Mitchell.
How did you hear about that?
What, and all this time you've
been thinking I'm a kissogram?
Look, this whole thing is just...
It'll blow over soon.
There's no need for a chat.
That's... out of my hands, I'm afraid.
Someone calls the police,
you know, it gets logged,
forms are filled in...
suddenly we're in a world of pain.
Fine, but not you.
You're not involving yourself in this.
This is nothing to do with you.
No, Mitchell.
Look, you talk to me.
Now, this is... this is kiddy
fiddling, this is Child Protection.
This kinda shit, you have no idea.
You talk to me.
- I can deal with it.
- I haven't...
I didn't do anything.
It was the DVD.
Someone found the DVD.
This is gonna be an absolute
nightmare for you, isn't it?
Tell you what, though.
I do admire your restraint.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Well, you know.
Back in the day, we would have
handled it very differently.
If they only knew
who they were messing with...
Yeah! Like that soldier,
do you remember?
In that bar.
You know, where was that?
Jesus...
- Glasgow.
- Yeah, that's it.
He's looming over you,
he's poking his finger at you.
And he's going, "Micks. I never
want to see another fucking Mick."
And I'm thinking, "Yeah,
we can arrange that, mate."
Look, you just leave this to me.
Yeah?
Any more trouble, give me a call.
I don't need any help from you.
I hope you're right.
Take it easy.
I used to think this kind of stuff
was bollocks.
Now it looks like something by
Ken Loach.
A tragic, misunderstood
monster chased away by the mob.
Can you blame them?
That lot are right.
I mean, not...
about their hats, there are some
seriously mad hats there.
But the likes of us...
No, no... we're not fit to live among
decent people.
It's a good job we don't, then.
For God's sake!
It's so cold!
We are cursed, Mitchell,
to damage anyone who comes near us.
Nina... Bernie...
- Fire! Fire!
- What?
They've started a fire!
The bastards!
What the hell?
I'm making a break with the past.
Everything that Owen and I ever had,
that old life,
can go to ash.
Annie, don't.
You're not thinking straight.
George, I was dead
before I even met Owen.
A whole life just
wasted on trivia and routine.
- Annie, no.
- But not now.
Now I have a purpose.
A reason to be here.
Owen has taken everything
he's ever going to take from me,
he's not taking you two,
or this house.
I've never felt more alive.
I'll get it.
You can't be here.
- I want to say sorry.
- What for?
- None of this was your fault.
- It is.
I knew it was the wrong DVD
as soon as I put it on.
- I should never have kept watching.
- Look, you've gotta go home.
But you've nothing,
nothing to apologise for.
Oi. Gary Glitter. You're just
takin' the piss now.
- No. I came to see him.
- Nose out, half-pint.
Be told. We want you out.
- You gonna make me?
- Oh, steady, Mitchell.
He hasn't done anything wrong!
- Don't even think about it.
- Steady.
- Listen to your bum chum, mate.
- We're just housemates!
You've got him all wrong!
I came to see him!
This is for your benefit, son.
- Is it?
- Smack him in the face!
Why don't you fuck off while you can?
We're not going anywhere.
Bernie!
- Get back here now!
- I'm trying to sort this, Mum!
- I mean, take a look around you.
- You're gonna do what?
- Don't you dare disobey me!
- There's nothing to see, it's fine.
Bernie!
Bernie!
Oh, my God!
Mitchell, Mitchell!
Bernie!
Get off him!
Leave him alone!
- Somebody call an ambulance!
- Enjoying the show!?
That's real community spirit here!
- Real community spirit!
- I said leave it! They're only...
Human!? Then it's our mistake
wanting to be like them!
Bernie, can you hear me?
Bernie?
- What's happening?
- Kiddy got hit, love.
Doesn't look good.
You can see me?
Oh... oh, these?
They're an affectation.
Sorry.
I thought I was supposed
to stay away from you.
I've just seen a child killed
in front of me.
All comes so easily at work,
you know...
Verbal Elastoplast. Always know
what to say.
But now, it's...
I know.
Nina...
... when I tell you I'm...
a man with secrets...
... I'm...
... I'm being as honest as I can be...
right now.
But... you're not ready to tell me
what those secrets are?
Can you live with that?
No, no, it's...
I... I want to show you something.
Oh, my God, Nina, that...
You're not the only one
with secrets.
Is your imagination doing overtime?
"What the hell am I getting into?"
People...
... can be bastards.
It's all you need know.
If I talk about it,
I'll have to remember, and...
I never want anything
like that to happen to you again.
It was all to protect you.
- You know that, don't you, Bernie?
- He knows.
It's all my fault.
He tried to explain, but...
stupid bitch, I wouldn't listen.
I can help you, Fleur.
- The both of you.
- How?
He's not coming out of this.
They told me that.
I can hear his heartbeat fading.
I'm here to watch my son die.
How can anyone help me through that?
I know death doesn't have
to be final. I'm proof of it.
Oh, not the Jesus bit.
Please! If God's so
bloody marvellous, then why...
I'm talking about something older,
and stronger, than religion.
That car hit two people, you saw it.
Bernie, a human, and... and me.
A vampire.
You sad, deluded man!
You were there, you saw it. OK?
OK.
Give me a mirror. Have you got
a mirror? Give it to me.
Look.
Our image can't be captured,
not by camera, not by anything.
Where am I, Fleur?
Why aren't I beside you?
I don't...
You weren't there the other day,
were you?
Oh, no, come on. It's insane...
D'you hear how close he is?
How little time he has left?
Now, you can cling to your old way
of seeing the world, or let me help.
How?
Us vampires,
we're not born, we're made.
Snatched from a human life
at the moment of death.
Bernie doesn't have much longer,
not as you know him.
I can give him a new life.
If that's what you want...
As Dracula?
I died a hundred years ago.
A young man, just sent off to war.
But I've lived more since then
than I ever thought was possible.
All right, well,
you tell me this, then.
Honestly, if this is the choice
that I'm left with...
... if you were me, would you choose
that life for your son?
Because I don't see much
happiness in you, Mitchell.
Would Bernie really thank me
if I let him live on like you?
That choice must be yours.
But you have to make it now.
Will you stay on here?
I don't know yet.
I've told the neighbours
that I got it wrong,
I said that it was all...
I said that you'd tried to save him.
It doesn't matter any more.
Oh, God,
what about when I die?
- What'll happen to him?
- He'll be looked after.
But should I do it too?
- Should I become one?
- No. You need to stay as you are.
You have to remind him and
keep him...
... keep him good.
Bernie?
I missed you.
I missed you too.
You're cold.
- Thank you so much, Mitchell.
- Don't, Bernie. Just... don't.
Mum... I'm hungry.
I'm in.
I'm gonna haunt Owen.
It is so GREAT to have you back.
Are you killing again?
They... are the monsters.
How bad... is this?
No one get's left behind.
I am darkness, vengeance and fury.
We're gonna do this old-school.
you'd want me and you'd come back.
They thought you couldn't
stop yourself.
I don't really see where this
relationship is headed any more.
- You can't do this on your own.
- So maybe I won't.
Lauren!
Annie was killed by Owen.
- Owen, please look.
- Bitch!
Where do I belong?
Where do I fit?
Who are my people?
Where do my loyalties lie?
We all choose our tribe.
It's that need to belong,
to live within boundaries.
Cos it's scary on the outside,
on the fringes...
Some labels are forced on us.
They mark us,
set us apart till we're like ghosts,
just...
drifting through
other people's lives.
But only if we let the labels hold.
You can piss your whole life away
trying out who you might be.
It's when you've worked out
who you are
that you can really start to live.
A Cup of Team
Tr: Chocolate
Where are you hiding her, Seth?
Where's Lauren?
He never rings, he never writes...
Go and get her.
She's coming with me.
I'm sorry, Mitchell,
it's really not gonna happen.
You don't get to decide this,
Herrick.
Well, I do, actually, because...
you just keep hurting her, Mitchell.
You just keep hurting her!
You recruit her, that's fine.
But then you just leave her!
She wakes up with us,
she doesn't know where she is,
she's calling for you...
So, fine, we pick up the pieces best
we can, but then... Jesus Christ!
- Then you try and take her back.
- She's the one who came to me.
Where else is she gonna go?
She couldn't exactly call ChildLine?
When I recruited you,
I didn't abandon you.
I took care of you.
Do you know why?
- Because it was my responsibility.
- I was helping her.
What, by getting her
to buy into this...
ridiculous... your fad?
My what?
This thing you're doing
with you and your furry friend.
Raiding the dressing-up box,
pretending to be human. It's a game!
It's... this is not a game!
Meeting in hotels
like you're what? Lovers?
You rip her mortality away then you
try and patch it up with these...
scraps of human behaviour.
That is cruel, Mitchell.
Why can't you just let her
be the thing you made her?
- And leave her to the likes of you?
- Well, at least we're consistent.
Herrick, you forced her to screw a man,
then kill him while you filmed it.
So you watched it then?
Well, I didn't know what it was.
Till the end.
- What was that?
- You watched it.
To the end.
When the guy died.
Like I said,
I didn't know what it was.
How...
thorough.
Look, you go and do your thing.
Maybe you need to get it
out of your system.
You go and do your thing
and come on home.
There'll always be
a place for you here,
just like there was for Lauren.
- Mind your feet!
- Oh... What happened here?
- Just dropped a plate.
- Right.
- Did you just...?
- Tell me honestly, is this too flash?
I can't imagine ever saying yes,
but a bit of context might help.
Right, yes, sorry.
I'm seeing Nina later.
Not-not-not a date.
Really, really, really not a date.
Not a date in a pub, not a date
in a restaurant or...
not a date
in another date-like situation?
Gastropub. Not a date
in a gastropub. Annie?
You look like bar staff.
Fair enough.
Last time I wore it, someone did ask
if the jalfrezi was off, so...
This mug, did it
just move on its own?
Yeah, right.
Maybe it fell out with the other mugs
and decided he needed some time
on his own.
Well? This, non-date, you gonna
break it to her you cross-dress?
Bit much?
You-you-you agree with him?
- It's hideous.
- Yeah, well,
I kept the receipt.
So?
Can we just forget
about the mug and the plate?
What happened with the plate?
When did this start?
After I found out about Owen.
And for all I know, this could be
perfectly normal.
You find out your fianc?e
murdered you, you become a...
- a throwing-things-about ghost.
- Poltergeist.
See, you know the terms,
you understand how this works.
D'you think I can channel it?
I have been dying to pull
that fridge out and clean behind it.
Annie, you're still dealing with the
fact that you were killed by Owen.
Maybe cleaning the kitchen
isn't the best way to go about it.
You really can't control it, huh?
Oh, that just looks like
you can't be arsed.
- Really?
- Really.
Maybe I don't need your advice.
Maybe I understand
women a bit better than you think.
You're one of those guys.
What guys?
Turns bumptious
once he's getting laid.
I've always been... I'm not...
And don't, please, no don't
call it'getting laid'.
With Nina, it's more... poetic
Oh, yes, oh, yes, very funny.
The werewolf's a romantic. Though...
the sex was verging on ferocious.
- Shit... shit.
- What?
No, nothing.
Oh, no, no... it's just occurred
to me I was on the jaws of a...
change when me and Nina...
Yeah, yeah.
You know, I had the wolf in me.
So did Nina.
Stop sniggering, this is not a joke.
I really, really like Nina and I...
thought that...
well, I hoped that she liked me.
But what if she's only interested
in the wolf?
Thank you for, "Oh, no, George,
how could that be possible?".
- Nobody wants you here.
- What you on about?
I can do whatever I want.
- Oi, lads, what are you doing?
- Piss off!
- Run that by me again?
- You heard.
He reckons he can take us!
- You're about three!
- This your boyfriend?
- Leave him alone.
- Fuck off, Goth boy.
- Don't push your luck.
- Cos you'll do what?
- Don't.
- Or what?
You don't wanna know.
Yeah, I do. Why I asked.
No, no really... You don't.
- Keep away from him, Misses.
- He's an alien freak!
I could've seen them off myself.
I couldn't at your age.
- No?
- No. That was payback there
on all the little bastards
who used to have a pop at me.
Yeah?
Between us,
I was the dorkiest of dorks.
What's going on?
Who were those boys?
- Retards from school.
- Bernie!
They were giving your son
a bit of grief.
He is your son, isn't he?
- Yeah. Who are you?
- He helped me see them off.
I'm Mitchell.
I'm just across the way there.
You see,
that's modern living for you.
I don't know half the neighbours.
They could have Osama bin Laden
stashed away at number six
and I wouldn't know!
- Yeah...
- Fleur.
- I'm sorry?
- Me.
I know it sounds like acid reflux,
but it's my name. Fleur.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is Bernie.
You're coming in for a cuppa.
Camomile.
Right.
- No coffee then?
- Little shits!
I say this as a mother,
but children are foul.
- Thanks.
- Not you.
It's just the way
they treat each other.
You know, picking on anyone
who's different...
- I'm not different.
- Yes, you are.
You're sensitive, you're kind
different to those little thugs.
- Mum, you make me sound gay.
- Oi!
I'll tell Uncle Frank
and Uncle Paolo that you said that!
There is no shame in being
sensitive...
- is there, Mitchell?
- Not at all.
You can't blame the children.
Not when you consider the parents.
Jesus!
Sorry.
- No, we're not born arseholes.
- Mum, you're shaming me.
And you're one of the good guys.
Poor Keisha's in a right state.
She's been puking. I mean
really retching her guts up...
I... get the picture.
Both ends. I mean, it's blatantly
a hangover but someone...
- has to go in and cover her shift.
- Course.
Look, you've dressed up
and everything.
- No, no, I always wear... black.
- You're pissed off with me.
Nina, no, your... your commitment...
to your job, it...
it's so attractive.
Your passion, your... your
your... your commitment,
it... it... it's up there with...
- My breasts?
- No.
So they're not all that then?
No. Yes. Yes... yes.
No it's...
it's just, it's just a gesture.
Yeah. Look...
we may not make the restaurant,
but I've still got an hour...
before I need to leave, so...
Get a takeaway?
George!
Oh. Oh, you mean, we could erm...
We could,
couldn't we?
We could, yes, absolutely...
but look, the thing is,
you... you might be expecting
this kind of...
Bloody hell!
- Too hard?
- Yeah, just a bit!
I thought you liked it rough.
Now... Well...
This is what I need to say, Nina.
Look I'm not anti the rough stuff,
not-not-not at all but-but...
It won't always be
like the other night.
Oh, thank God.
I thought you were impressed.
More... stunned.
So... so... slow things down a bit?
If that's all right with you?
That's fine with me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting
we wear those weird chastity rings
American kids have,"We're not shagging
cos we're mentals" but I just...
Just rewind a little.
To flowers and romance.
Exactly.
Hey.
Hey! How's it going?
- All right.
- Cool.
Oh, it's you. Twice in two days.
Are we being stalked?
No. Am I?
Not unless you're
on your way to Tesco's, no.
I've got some people over for dinner
tonight and can I be bothered?
Why'd you invite them?
I was drunk.
- You on trolley-pushing duty?
- As if! I'm going into town.
Wanna come?
- Course he doesn't.
- I don't mind. I'm only mooching.
Oh, yeah, I forgot,
yeah, all men are kids at heart.
- His dad's the same when he's over.
- Him and mum have split.
- But we're on Skype all the time.
- Oh, yeah!
He treats you like
a playmate doesn't he?
Any excuse to crack open the Lego.
- I'll take him out.
- Mum?
- Do you mind?
- What?
Well, me tagging along with him.
I mean, you hardly know me.
I don't believe in
wrapping kids in cotton wool.
I mean, have to make their
own way in the end, don't they?
- Go on, have a good time.
- Thank you.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- Bye-bye.
You didn't see that. No.
- Mitchell, when you were a kid...
- Yeah?
What did you want to be
when you grew up?
God.
- Just happy, I suppose.
- That it?
People didn't really
have careers back then.
Where I came from you either
ended up in the church,
- or in the army, like me, or...
- You were in the army!
- That's so cool!
- Yeah, it so isn't.
Were you in a war? Did you fight?
Mostly I did. Or ran away.
Have you killed people?
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
it-it was different back then,
it was there was less choice.
So just "happy" would do, you know?
And you are happy?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm getting there.
Jesus! This is getting embarrassing.
Oh, well done! You show him
how it's played, kid.
I'll just be a second Bernie.
Aren't you going to introduce me
to your friend?
- But it's your turn!
- You take it for me.
- You're killing again.
- No.
Honestly, no.
I can see it in you,
Oh I can smell it.
God, it's always about the
blood with you isn't it?
Like that's all there is.
There's a whole dark world, and
you're obsessing about what we eat.
Could you cut to the bit
where you make me feel guilty,
- try and drag me back, make a scene...
- Not this time.
No guilt trip, no appeal,
no tricks, no tears.
OK. What do you want?
I've come to say goodbye.
We've got the message,
we're leaving you alone.
What?
You've made your decision,
and we're respecting it.
Maybe one day
you'll change your mind.
But for now...
I guess we're done.
Bernie, I won't be long, OK?
- This is a trick?
- Mitchell...
- I'm serious, I'm not coming back.
- I know!
We get it! Jesus, I am saying
this out loud, aren't I?
Your friend will be waiting for you.
And I've gotta run.
There was one more thing.
I wanted to say it's OK.
- What is?
- Me.
What you did to me.
There's no bitterness.
I love it.
Take care of yourself.
Yeah,
you too.
Lauren, look,
I know how it feels now but...
God, the film...
We just do things differently,
that's all.
Strike!
You OK?
Oh, you're bleeding.
You're not going to be sick,
are you?
- What?
- Mum always is.
I got a nosebleed in Morrison's and
she threw up in a freezer cabinet.
Well, what do you know.
I guess I'm fine.
It's party time.
- What the fuck?
- We've got a visitor.
Hi. My new mate, Bernie.
Hello, lickle man.
There's a boy like that at school.
Bernie's 12, George.
Big one-two. Not four.
Ah... duh.
You wanna a lager, Bernie?
- Pop will be fine.
- Have a ciggy if you like.
- Mitchell smokes indoors.
- I don't smoke.
Twelve.
So am I invited to this party then?
What...
what you looking at?
It-it-it's neck exercises.
It's really good to...
Stand up for me, it's just good
to stretch out the neck
just before eating lots of cake
and crisps and biscuits.
Really take it over there
Bernie, really stretch
just, just to allow
the passage from the mouth
into the stomach a clear path.
Oh, Mitchell,
is any of this technically food?
- Probably not.
- What?
Get stuck in.
Oh, sorry, excuse me.
- You round at Nina's last night?
- Yeah. Ah, Mitchell, she's...
Oh, it always comes down to breasts.
How how is that even remotely...
Nina's George's new girlfriend.
It's why he's so knackered.
- Twelve!
- Well, if she's got big...
Whoa, no we're taking it slowly,
thank you, actually.
I always thought Owen and I
would have parties like these.
For our own kids.
Better catering, obviously.
Always wanted a boy.
Tell him, Mitchell.
Tell him...
never make plans.
Never hope. Never dream....
Oh, isn't this
the jolliest of parties?
Pass the party rings, Bernie!
- How did you...
- He didn't.
- No one did.
- No. It's fine, stay where you are...
Dustpan and brush,
dustpan and brush.
Who are they?
Are you serious?
That's Laurel and Hardy!
Was the fat one Prime Minister?
Oh, he might be thinking
of Churchill. Or Hitler.
Same tache.
Go to my room,
it's upstairs besides the bathroom.
Go to the bookcase, find the first
Laurel and Hardy DVD you can find
and promise me
you'll watch it tomorrow.
You will laugh more than
you've ever laughed before.
How has he not ever
heard of Laurel and Hardy?
They're like the
funniest men who ever lived!
Oh, that's someone who's
never seen Ace Ventura.
Yeah, and
that's someone with no taste.
You, my friend, have a soppy streak.
You keep it hidden really, very
deeply hidden,
but it's there.
- Look after you two, don't I?
- Yeah, right.
The way you are with him...
Is there a risk...?
You know, it's like...
When we were out bowling,
he cut his head,
it was like that thirst
for blood wasn't there. It was like,
like the human me
won through, you know?
Hey,
- how was it?
- It was the best night ever!
Great.
Well, that puts all your Christmases
and birthdays into perspective.
I let him OD on sugar. He says
he eats more healthily at your house.
Yeah, with the Wicked Witch.
- Ah c'mon.
- Oh, just ignore me.
- I've had too many home measures.
- We know.
Gin, mostly.
It was my pleasure.
- Hey, thank you.
- Yeah.
See ya.
How's your head, love?
Fine. How's yours?
Are you watching this?
- What do you think?
- Great.
I want it back on for Countryfile.
You know what
I can't get my head around?
Quantum mechanics?
Bernie not knowing Laurel and Hardy.
Immortality can
make you feel so old.
He's a good kid, though, isn't he?
Thoughtful, well mannered.
Reminds me so much
of me at that age.
The rampaging ego
came much later then?
We all build some sort of defence
against the world. Like sarcasm.
Those party rings are not sitting
well on me today.
I wonder which film he picked.
Kid needs a few laughs. We all do.
And that's another fine mess
you got me into.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Mitchell!
Get out here now, you sick,
twisted lowlife!
What?
I don't know how you've got
the nerve to show your face!
- You just called me out here.
- Yeah, that's very clever.
But that's how your sort work,
isn't it?
You turn on the charm, the wit,
you sucker people in...
Hang on a second, will you tell
me what this is all about, please?
Yeah, don't worry. I'll tell
everyone what this is about!
What's going on?
I'll tell the whole world
your nasty little secret.
What?
Getting close to
defenceless children...
- Dirty bastard!
- Winning them over,
making friends with them,
and then showing them filth!
- Men filth!
- Dirty, dirty bastard!
What are you talking about?
My son.
Making out you're his friend...
just so you can show him
that depravity!
- Laurel and Hardy?
- A naked man.
Hard! Writhing on his bed!
Oh, God no...
Fleur...
You kept the DVD?
I didn't keep it so much as...
not throw it out.
But everything you said
about moving on,
putting Lauren,
that whole lifestyle behind you,
connecting with humanity...
And why hide it in Laurel and Hardy?!
What else have you got up there,
some German scat inside
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
- How many times have you watched it?
- I've never even seen any scat.
Just that first time, to see
what it was. But that...
This is just
what we didn't need, Mitchell.
To draw attention to ourselves.
It was just a stupid mistake.
Well, put it right!
Fleur?
Fleur!
Mitchell!
Fleur, it's not how it looks.
You have to let me explain.
She doesn't have to do anything,
but you...
If you've got any sense
you'll pack up and fuck off.
Cos I'm telling you, we'll make your
life hell if you don't.
Oh, yeah?
You think it gets worse than this?
It could have been any of our boys.
You've asked for it!
I don't need your custom.
Find somewhere else to shop.
Who did that? Who did that,
you dirty little...
Pervert!
I am not the pervert,
that's my housemate.
And... and actually he's not a pervert
either. You've all got it very wrong.
- They got you too?
- I managed to dodge most of it.
Shame the house couldn't.
Covered in rotten tomatoes.
Who keeps their rotten tomatoes?
Who looks in the salad cooler,
sees their tomatoes are on the turn,
and thinks, "I'll hang on to those,
in case some paedos move in opposite"?
It'll blow over soon.
Wankers!
If they want us out...
then they're succeeding.
Cos I can't take this any more.
George! Don't let Annie know
you're even thinking that.
We're all she's got.
I mean it, Mitchell.
This was always going to happen.
Soon as they found out what we are.
They don't know what we are.
They've seen a mob and piled on,
cos it's easier than having to
stop and think.
That's what I should have done.
Thought!
Then I'd never have got Nina
involved in any of this.
- She isn't involved in any of this.
- She's involved with me!
Oh, for...
We've been deluding ourselves
we could ever be accepted here.
By proper human beings.
We are monsters, Mitchell.
We deserve to be cast out.
Guess who.
I know who.
I should hope so.
Are we still on for tomorrow?
No. No, I don't...
I don't think we are.
Right.
I'm missing something here.
I can't do this any more.
- Not... not... not this.
- I know...
I'm sorry, Nina. It's over.
Don't I get told what I've done?
No, it's nothing you've done.
It's me.
No, no, I'm sorry...
saying, "It's not you, it's me,"
is a stabbable offence in my book
and I can get my hands on scalpels.
- You'll have to do better than that.
- I'm bad news, Nina.
I've said so all along.
- Everything I touch turns to shit.
- Because you let it!
- If you're having an attack of...
- You think I'm having a down day?
I'm not. Trust me, there
is stuff you don't know about me.
Really dark, dangerous,
nasty stuff, and
when you do know it you'll walk.
So I am only cutting to the chase.
Well, not chase, because
I will let you go... I will...
I won't come after you.
No, I mean it, Nina! I mean it!
We have no future.
We can't have.
OK, yeah. Yeah, we'll be here.
We'll see you later. OK.
- Bollocks!
- What now?
Owen's on his way over.
- What the f...
- He can't.
Well, he can. It's his house.
- Did you just...
- He can't!
- How did she?
- She's a poltergeist.
Annie, look, you can't be
in this state when Owen arrives.
- How long have you known about this?
- We'll talk about it later!
- You've gotta control it, Annie!
- I don't know how!
- No! That was a present!
- Come on, deep breaths. Breathe.
I can't have him in the same room
knowing what he did!
- I will bring this house down!
- Jesus!
Let's get you upstairs.
We'll do everything we can
to keep Owen down here, OK?
Mitchell!
Boys.
Hey.
- Have we walked in on a domestic?
- No.
Well, have you seen the house?
Not our fault. Be fair.
No. Course.
Come in.
Oh, that was on your doorstep.
Oh. Ta.
Fuckin' hell!
The animals.
I have to wash my hands.
No! Kitchen!
The... the kitchen's...
the kitchen's much nicer.
- There's scented soap.
- Oh, right.
Didn't get any on
the envelope, though.
Impressive aim.
Between you and me,
Mitchell isn't exactly fastidious
about how he leaves the toilet.
I'll...
I'll just get rid of this.
So, Mitchell...
what's all this about?
Human excrement.
Annie.
Annie. Keep it together.
It is like... he's killing me
all over again.
- You muppet.
- It was a simple mix-up.
I never meant for the kid to see it.
Fair enough.
Jim said it was a fella. Tackle out.
I have eclectic tastes.
What you boys
get up to is your own affair.
I have a girlfriend.
That's back on, is it?
You know, I used to keep some
pretty ripe stuff
stashed about the place
when I lived here.
Kept it in my Red Dwarf box set.
One place the missus
was never gonna look.
I still don't feel clean.
So have you told 'em yet?
- Told us what?
- In my own time.
Told us what?
I just don't see the sense
in dragging it out.
What it is, lads...
I can't afford
to wind up the neighbours.
- I mean, we'll wanna move back in.
- One day.
And it's pointless us
taking rent off you,
- to pay it in rent to someone else.
- Yeah.
So...
I'm giving you your notice.
End of the month.
- No, no, you... you can't do that!
- End of next month, sorry.
Whilst we're here,
I thought I'd do some measuring up.
Not to speak ill of the dead, but...
but Owen's late fiancee wasn't
exactly Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen!
- Sweetheart?
- Stain on the carpet.
Look at the colour of those walls.
Place doesn't look like
it's ever had a woman's touch.
Unless it was Rose West.
Talk about gloomy.
I don't know why you didn't
just tell 'em straight
we're moving back.
Men's undies.
First thing on the list,
a linen basket.
I'm not having your boxers
strewn about the place.
- We always saw this as a junk room.
- We did not!
I can see why. It's creepy.
It was going to be the nursery!
Mind you, bit of paint...
cot in the corner...
Your face! I'm joking, Owen.
- Sort of.
- You'd better be!
You're not stealing the whole life
I had planned as well!
Is that door creaking?
Well, I'm not touching it, am I?
We could do this another time?
It's hardly tactful,
those two downstairs.
Tactful?!
Rawl plugs.
Janey, come on.
- Yeah, in a mo.
- Never mind a mo.
Get out. Now. Go.
And there you are.
There's the Owen I remember.
So we'll be in touch about the...
Fucking nonce.
Get walking, you.
What did they have
to say for themselves?
They're history, sweetheart.
Gave them their marching orders.
Good.
Hey! Hey!
You want to stay away from that lot.
They're sick!
So... this is your secret?
Of course it's not.
Oh, and there's one E in "paedo",
not two!
You cretins.
Nina, do I look like a paedo?
If paedos looked like paedos
they'd never do any paedo-ing.
Yes, but I think
you know me a bit better than that!
No, George, I don't. You won't talk!
It's not this. It's not kids.
Then what?
You don't need me and
my problems in your life.
Don't I get to decide that?
God, who was she, George?
Who messed up your head?
Cos if you'd rather have me leave here
thinking you're a paedophile than...
Nina, please. Just go.
I am not... It's not kids,
or anything those idiots
out there say,
but trouble follows me.
Like a curse.
And you deserve so much better.
I would have listened.
Years from now, when you've pushed
everyone away
and you will, let that haunt you.
I would have listened.
Mr Mitchell, I need to take
a statement from you.
A statement? Well, to be fair,
at this stage it's more of a chat.
Someone's made a very serious
allegation about you, Mitchell.
How did you hear about that?
What, and all this time you've
been thinking I'm a kissogram?
Look, this whole thing is just...
It'll blow over soon.
There's no need for a chat.
That's... out of my hands, I'm afraid.
Someone calls the police,
you know, it gets logged,
forms are filled in...
suddenly we're in a world of pain.
Fine, but not you.
You're not involving yourself in this.
This is nothing to do with you.
No, Mitchell.
Look, you talk to me.
Now, this is... this is kiddy
fiddling, this is Child Protection.
This kinda shit, you have no idea.
You talk to me.
- I can deal with it.
- I haven't...
I didn't do anything.
It was the DVD.
Someone found the DVD.
This is gonna be an absolute
nightmare for you, isn't it?
Tell you what, though.
I do admire your restraint.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Well, you know.
Back in the day, we would have
handled it very differently.
If they only knew
who they were messing with...
Yeah! Like that soldier,
do you remember?
In that bar.
You know, where was that?
Jesus...
- Glasgow.
- Yeah, that's it.
He's looming over you,
he's poking his finger at you.
And he's going, "Micks. I never
want to see another fucking Mick."
And I'm thinking, "Yeah,
we can arrange that, mate."
Look, you just leave this to me.
Yeah?
Any more trouble, give me a call.
I don't need any help from you.
I hope you're right.
Take it easy.
I used to think this kind of stuff
was bollocks.
Now it looks like something by
Ken Loach.
A tragic, misunderstood
monster chased away by the mob.
Can you blame them?
That lot are right.
I mean, not...
about their hats, there are some
seriously mad hats there.
But the likes of us...
No, no... we're not fit to live among
decent people.
It's a good job we don't, then.
For God's sake!
It's so cold!
We are cursed, Mitchell,
to damage anyone who comes near us.
Nina... Bernie...
- Fire! Fire!
- What?
They've started a fire!
The bastards!
What the hell?
I'm making a break with the past.
Everything that Owen and I ever had,
that old life,
can go to ash.
Annie, don't.
You're not thinking straight.
George, I was dead
before I even met Owen.
A whole life just
wasted on trivia and routine.
- Annie, no.
- But not now.
Now I have a purpose.
A reason to be here.
Owen has taken everything
he's ever going to take from me,
he's not taking you two,
or this house.
I've never felt more alive.
I'll get it.
You can't be here.
- I want to say sorry.
- What for?
- None of this was your fault.
- It is.
I knew it was the wrong DVD
as soon as I put it on.
- I should never have kept watching.
- Look, you've gotta go home.
But you've nothing,
nothing to apologise for.
Oi. Gary Glitter. You're just
takin' the piss now.
- No. I came to see him.
- Nose out, half-pint.
Be told. We want you out.
- You gonna make me?
- Oh, steady, Mitchell.
He hasn't done anything wrong!
- Don't even think about it.
- Steady.
- Listen to your bum chum, mate.
- We're just housemates!
You've got him all wrong!
I came to see him!
This is for your benefit, son.
- Is it?
- Smack him in the face!
Why don't you fuck off while you can?
We're not going anywhere.
Bernie!
- Get back here now!
- I'm trying to sort this, Mum!
- I mean, take a look around you.
- You're gonna do what?
- Don't you dare disobey me!
- There's nothing to see, it's fine.
Bernie!
Bernie!
Oh, my God!
Mitchell, Mitchell!
Bernie!
Get off him!
Leave him alone!
- Somebody call an ambulance!
- Enjoying the show!?
That's real community spirit here!
- Real community spirit!
- I said leave it! They're only...
Human!? Then it's our mistake
wanting to be like them!
Bernie, can you hear me?
Bernie?
- What's happening?
- Kiddy got hit, love.
Doesn't look good.
You can see me?
Oh... oh, these?
They're an affectation.
Sorry.
I thought I was supposed
to stay away from you.
I've just seen a child killed
in front of me.
All comes so easily at work,
you know...
Verbal Elastoplast. Always know
what to say.
But now, it's...
I know.
Nina...
... when I tell you I'm...
a man with secrets...
... I'm...
... I'm being as honest as I can be...
right now.
But... you're not ready to tell me
what those secrets are?
Can you live with that?
No, no, it's...
I... I want to show you something.
Oh, my God, Nina, that...
You're not the only one
with secrets.
Is your imagination doing overtime?
"What the hell am I getting into?"
People...
... can be bastards.
It's all you need know.
If I talk about it,
I'll have to remember, and...
I never want anything
like that to happen to you again.
It was all to protect you.
- You know that, don't you, Bernie?
- He knows.
It's all my fault.
He tried to explain, but...
stupid bitch, I wouldn't listen.
I can help you, Fleur.
- The both of you.
- How?
He's not coming out of this.
They told me that.
I can hear his heartbeat fading.
I'm here to watch my son die.
How can anyone help me through that?
I know death doesn't have
to be final. I'm proof of it.
Oh, not the Jesus bit.
Please! If God's so
bloody marvellous, then why...
I'm talking about something older,
and stronger, than religion.
That car hit two people, you saw it.
Bernie, a human, and... and me.
A vampire.
You sad, deluded man!
You were there, you saw it. OK?
OK.
Give me a mirror. Have you got
a mirror? Give it to me.
Look.
Our image can't be captured,
not by camera, not by anything.
Where am I, Fleur?
Why aren't I beside you?
I don't...
You weren't there the other day,
were you?
Oh, no, come on. It's insane...
D'you hear how close he is?
How little time he has left?
Now, you can cling to your old way
of seeing the world, or let me help.
How?
Us vampires,
we're not born, we're made.
Snatched from a human life
at the moment of death.
Bernie doesn't have much longer,
not as you know him.
I can give him a new life.
If that's what you want...
As Dracula?
I died a hundred years ago.
A young man, just sent off to war.
But I've lived more since then
than I ever thought was possible.
All right, well,
you tell me this, then.
Honestly, if this is the choice
that I'm left with...
... if you were me, would you choose
that life for your son?
Because I don't see much
happiness in you, Mitchell.
Would Bernie really thank me
if I let him live on like you?
That choice must be yours.
But you have to make it now.
Will you stay on here?
I don't know yet.
I've told the neighbours
that I got it wrong,
I said that it was all...
I said that you'd tried to save him.
It doesn't matter any more.
Oh, God,
what about when I die?
- What'll happen to him?
- He'll be looked after.
But should I do it too?
- Should I become one?
- No. You need to stay as you are.
You have to remind him and
keep him...
... keep him good.
Bernie?
I missed you.
I missed you too.
You're cold.
- Thank you so much, Mitchell.
- Don't, Bernie. Just... don't.
Mum... I'm hungry.
I'm in.
I'm gonna haunt Owen.
It is so GREAT to have you back.
Are you killing again?
They... are the monsters.
How bad... is this?
No one get's left behind.
I am darkness, vengeance and fury.
We're gonna do this old-school.