Becker (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 8 - Atlas Shirked - full transcript

II

Oh, yeah, there you are, Bob.

I just thought
you'd like to know

that thanks to the lack
of security in our building,

some guy got in
and took advantage of me.

Okay, I got an image here,
Becker.

Make it go away real fast.

What? Oh, no, no, no, look,

some high school kid
came to my apartment

and gave me this whole
song and dance

about how his class
was raising money



by selling atlases
to get into college, right?

So, I-I ordered one.

Yeah, look, I got
a receipt and everything.

But have they
sent me my atlas?

No. I got robbed.

What do you need an atlas for?

Don't you have enough people
telling you where to go?

(phone ringing)

BOB: So, you're getting
all bent out of shape

-over $19.95?
-CHRIS: Yes?

Plus shipping and handling...

which is a whole
other conversation.

Yeah, do me a favor,

have that one with
somebody else, all right?



No, no, no problem.

No, yeah, I'm glad
to take care of it.

Yeah, take care, and again,
I'm so sorry for your loss.

What was that all about?

I'm planning a memorial

for Mrs. Bernstein
from the building.

Who's Mrs. Bernstein?

Um, from the fifth floor,
elderly, gray hair,

always wears lots
of bright orange lipstick...

unfortunately,
not all on her lips.

BECKER:
0h.

Never heard of her.

So, uh, what killed
the old bat?

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, that was cold.

How did the old bat pass?

Mrs. Bernstein's fine.

It's her live-in companion,
Mr. Pinkus, who died.

Never heard of him, either.

You know, I can't believe it.

I lived in the building
only three months,

and I know more people
than you do.

That's why they're
called apartments.

They keep people apart.

So, have you, uh, planned a menu
for this memorial yet?

People don't come to eat.

It's a funeral,
not a Vegas buffet.

That's not true.

Food is a vital part
of the occasion.

Ask Becker.
He knows about death.

What the hell's that supposed
to mean, I know about death?

That wasn't a slam
on your doctoring.

It's because you're old.

Yeah, well, I'm going to live
a lot longer than you are.

Secondhand smoke...
is very dangerous.

My mother smoked three packs
a day while I was in the womb.

You don't scare me.

Whoa, I got so much to do.

Let's see... order flowers,
get chairs, and now food.

Let me ask you a question,
why are you doing this?

To be nice. Is that concept
so foreign to you?

Screw you. I'm nice.

Just so you know,
slowing down at a crosswalk

does not make you a nice person.

Yeah, well, if you come
to a complete stop,

people think they have all day.

Hey, Jake.

(sadly):
Hey.

What's wrong with you?

Well, Amanda and I
got into a fight,

and H think
she might be moving out.

You're not sure?

Well, I've been hearing
packing noises...

tape, boxes shuffling,
bubble wrap.

I don't know what to do.
I-I don't want to lose her.

I love bubble wrap.

What is the matter with you?

What?

-Bubble wrap?
-I like to pop it.

I swear, you are
the most selfish, uncaring,

inconsiderate person
I've ever met.

Your friend's girlfriend
might be leaving him,

and that's all
you can think to say?

"I love bubble wrap.
I like to pop it"?

Yeah, and I'll
tell you why, too.

Because, unlike a woman,

bubble wrap makes a noise,
then it stops.

You know, it wouldn't kill you
to help out.

I don't care
if you have hemorrhoids.

Maybe if you got off your butt
once in a while,

they wouldn't bother you.

Is that Mr. Porter again?

'Cause I told him
the same thing this morning.

Do you think that I would talk
to a patient like that?

That was my husband.

He just told me that his brother

and his big-mouthed wife
are coming to dinner tonight.

I hate her.

And on top of that,

I have to make a damn
strawberry cheesecake.

-Why don't you just buy one?
-Because she'll know.

It's Lewis's mother's recipe,
and there's no bakery in town

that uses her secret
ingredient: booze.

Well, look on the bright side,
Margaret.

What's that?

Things are great for me.

I have a date tonight.

His name is Paul, and he's hot.

Well, whoop-dee-doo.

Isn't that funny how,
whenever you're in a bad mood,

I'm in a good mood?

Think about it. You'll laugh.

You're not gonna believe this,
Margaret.

I just called the high school

about that crater-faced kid
who sold me the atlas.

They have no idea who he is.

That punk scammed me out
of nearly 20 bucks.

I'm not going to take this.
I want my atlas.

Well, I want my sister-in-law
to burst into flames.

We don't always get
what we want.

For God's sake, your ad is a
picture of a bouquet of flowers

ringing a doorbell.

What do you mean,
you don't deliver?

Look, I'm trying to plan
a memorial service.

I got a million things...

All right, forget it, forget it,
I'll pick them up myself.

Okay, that'll be three bucks.
Thanks.

So, Jake, you really think
Amanda's moving out?

I don't know,
and it's driving me crazy.

I mean, ever since
we got into that fight,

she hasn't talked to me.

I went home for lunch,
nothing but silence.

Well, except when I stepped
on some bubble wrap.

For a second, I thought
she took a shot at me.

You know, this is silly.

Why don't you talk to her,
tell her you want to make up?

Well, I can't do that.
You know how it works.

-Whoever talks first loses.
-0h... yeah.

I'm sorry, I've never been
in a mature relationship.

Look, why don't you just
write her a note?

Well, you know, I'd like to,

and it's not
that I can't find the words.

It's that I can't find
the paper, the pen,

the envelope or the mailbox.

Look, I meant, I'd be happy
to write it for you.

This way, you can tell her
exactly how you feel.

-All right.
-Yeah?

-Guess it's worth a try.
-Come on.

(Chris clears throat)

-0kay, um... "Dear Amanda... "
-Mm-hmm.

"This is all your fault.

"Just like it always is.

"All I said was that
your new perfume

makes you smell
like a cheap whore."

Uh, t-tell you what, why don't
I write a rough draft

of what I think you want to say,

which is that you don't want her
to move out, right?

Right, but don't make it
my fault.

No, of course not.

You're a guy. It never is.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Bob, how you doing?

Great. You know that memorial
you're planning?

I mean, it really got me jazzed
about planning my mom's funeral.

Oh, no, is she in?

No, healthy as an ox.

Well, you know,
an ox with one lung.

Well, then why on earth would
you be planning her funeral?

So that when the time comes,

the catered buffet
is just a phone call away.

I'm thinking
of serving Cajun,

you know, something a little
spicy, a little cha-cha-cha.

-Does your mom like Cajun food?
-She hates it.

Then why would you serve
something she hates?

Newsflash--
she won't be eating anything.

Besides, I'm not settled
on serving Cajun yet.

I got to make a couple of calls.

Then I got to shoot over
to Queens for an Irish wake.

Closed casket, open bar.

Hey, Chris, coffee, please,

and are the donuts
half price yet?

Not until 4:00.

Oh, well, just coffee then.

Jake, just let me take care
of the big spender,

and I'll get right
on your letter.

-0kay.
-What letter?

Well, Chris is helping me

patch things up with Amanda
by writing a letter.

She's putting down her feelings
and signing my name.

(chuckling): It's B.S.,
but it just might work.

Oh, I see. So, first,
you're the funeral director,

now you're the love doctor?

I like to help people
with their problems.

If you asked, I'd help you, too.

Well, my biggest problem
is I need some coffee.

Your biggest problem

is that you think that's
your biggest problem.

What is this obsession you have
with being so damned helpful?

It's not an obsession.

I like to do nice things
for people.

It makes me happy.

Oh, I see,
so what you're saying

is that your happiness
depends on other people.

See, that's very sad.

I get mine
from deep inside myself.

Yeah, so deep
it can't even claw its way out.

I think you're being naive.

You can't take on
everybody's problems.

You're gonna burn yourself out.

What are you talking about?
You're a doctor.

You help people all the time.

Big difference: I charge them.

Okay, Mr. Engels.

Everything looks pretty good.

Just, uh, put a couple
drops in that ear,

and that should clear right up.

Let me ask you a question.

You're a lawyer, right?

Now, if somebody
sells you something

and then they
don't deliver it,

can you sue for that?

What exactly
are we talking about?

Take a look at this.

Yeah, some high school kid
came to my apartment...

-Right.
-...and sold me an atlas

for $19.95, and I never got it.

Wow, that's-that's
very interesting.

Yeah, you know,

I'm arguing a case
like this right now

in front of
the State Supreme Court.

-No kidding.
-No, no.

Couple of Girl Scouts
sold an old lady

a box of broken cookies.

Well, thanks very much.

Um... I'm putting you down
for a colonoscopy.

Wait, wait, wait.
I-I'm here for an earache.

What do I need
a colonoscopy for?

Standard procedure
for treating a smartass.

Well, it was really good
to talk to you.

Can't wait.

See you tonight.

Margaret, shoot me.

What's wrong?

That was my cousin Kyle.

He's coming to town tonight,

and he expects me
to entertain him.

So?

So, now I can't go
on my date with Paul.

Well, why don't you
just reschedule?

Because Paul's girlfriend's
only away for tonight.

Well, you certainly don't
want that one to get away.

Why don't you just take
your cousin out with you?

Because that's lame.

Besides, I think my cousin
has a crush on me.

He's always talking
about some bath we took together

when we were, like, three.

And he's always asking me
why we don't do that anymore,

and I'm, like, "Hello!
We live 500 miles apart!"

Well, look on the bright side,
Linda.

What's that?

Things are great for me.

I was in the diner,

and I happened
to mention to Chris

how I hated the idea
of making that cheesecake,

and she said that
she would do it for me.

Isn't that sweet?

How does that help me?

It doesn't.

But isn't it funny

when you're in a bad mood,
I'm in a good mood?

Think about it. You'll laugh.

BECKER:
I-I don't believe this.

She's helping some lady
in the building,

then Jake and now you.

Wh-What is this,
Touched by a Fry Cook?

Well, I think
that Chris is sweet.

As a matter of fact,
I think the whole neighborhood

is better off
from having her in it.

-0h, please...
-A-And you know what?

You can learn
a lesson from her.

It wouldn't hurt you
to be a little nicer.

Hey, I'm nice. I'm plenty nice.

You know, maybe you forgot,

I practically put a kid
through college

by buying some damn atlas.

Which I never got!

Here's your burger, well done.

If I do say so myself.
(chuckles)

So, John, you think
you'll be able to make it

up to the memorial tonight?

No, I got to deal
with a little problem of my own.

Unless, of course,
it would make you happy

to take care of it for me.

Still trying to crack
the big "atlas conspiracy"?

Yeah, for your information,

I consulted with a lawyer
this afternoon

who's arguing a similar case

in front of
the State Supreme Court.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

What?!

Your place is called Chairs,
Chairs, and More Chairs.

How could you be out of chairs?

Yeah, fine, fine.
I'll find them somewhere else.

-Problem?
-No, a challenge.

-(chuckling)
-CHRIS: Hey, Jake,

I'm glad you're here.

Listen, I've been working
all day on your letter,

and I think I've got it perfect.

Actually, uh, I-I don't think
I'm gonna need that letter.

0h?

Yeah, yeah, I went home,

and Amanda was there and...

And you sat down
and talked it out.

Well, after all the sex,
it really didn't

feel like we needed to talk.

But I really hope
you didn't go through

-too much trouble, though.
-No, no, no.

She was happy
to go to all that trouble.

I'm happy they made up.

And if you guys ever
have problems again,

I'm ready to jump in.

I-I... w-with a letter.

Gotcha.

By the way, Jake,
what were all those sounds?

The packing boxes?
Bubble wrap?

Yeah, the bubble wrap.

I completely forgot to ask.

You know, I better go home
and check.

I might have just had
break-up sex.

(tapping floor)

Ma, Ma...

calm down.

I said I wasn't settled
on serving Cajun food.

Well, it-it kind of will be
over your dead body.

Look, I-I'll call you back.

Serves me right.

I should have never run
this whole funeral thing

by her in the first place.

So now she's upset?

No, now she's involved.

Suddenly Cajun's too spicy.

And barbecue's out because
she wants to be cremated.

I swear,
I never thought I'd say this,

but I hope she never dies.

Chris, I have a cab
waiting outside.

-Do you have my...?
-Here you go.

One strawberry cheesecake.

0h, great!

Oh, I can't thank you enough
for this.

It looks delicious.

I hope my sister-in-law
chokes on it.

(Chris and Margaret gasp)

I-I spent three hours
making that.

Three happy hours.

I am so sorry.

Let me... let me clean it up.

Uh, no, no, no, you're in
a hurry. I-I'll get it.

She'll be happy to get it.

MARGARET:
Well, thank you.

I'll-I'll just stop
at a bakery on the way home

and buy another cheesecake.

I-I thought you had
to have alcohol in it.

Well, to be honest,
that was just for me.

It's the only way I can stand
my sister-in-law.

Bye-bye.

So, John, you-you really think

you won't be able
to make it tonight?

You know, a lot of people
from the building will be there.

All the more reason not to go.

Last thing I want to do

is stand around
with a bunch of mourners

in some old lady's
cramped apartment

which reeks of Bengay,
mothballs and kugel.

I doubt you'll be cramped.

She's got a big apartment.
She lives in 5-0.

5-0?
The rent-contra two-bedroom

with southern exposure,
den and terrace?

Yeah. You know it?

Well, I've heard of it.

You know something?

I bet with him gone,
she might want to move out.

I mean, that's
a pretty big apartment

just to be all alone in.

You know what? Maybe I will
pop up and pay my respects.

Very nice, John.

Why don't you just go up
with a tape measure?

Oh, no, no, no,
that'd be disrespectful.

I can eyeball it.

(quiet chatter)

Oh, wow.
This place is huge.

Hideous but huge.

Food stations.

That way, the mourners
don't get all bunched up.

Nice.

Mrs. Bernstein,
how are you holding up?

Oh, I'm all right.

And thank you for doing
everything. It's just...

it's just lovely.

Uh, Mrs. Berylstein?

Uh, Bernstein.

...Bernstein, um, I just, uh...

I came up from downstairs.

I just wanted to say
how sorry I am

about your loss.

May I ask, is that
original crown molding?

-I really don't know.
-0h.

-Um, but, you know,
thank you, dear. -Mm-hmm.

I-I couldn't have pulled this
all together on my own.

No, no, no,
I was happy to do it.

And now that
everything's taken care of,

you just relax
and enjoy yourself.

Well, not enjoy yourself,
but, you know...

Excuse me, the, uh...
the terrace,

does it get a lot of shade?

John, don't you have
anything else to say

to Mrs. Bernstein?

Well, y-yes, of course I do.

Look, I am so sorry.
You... you must be a wreck.

I mean, the silence,
all the memories,

walking around this
huge place, you know,

maybe feeling all of a sudden,

"This may be a little
too big for me."

Stop it!

Oh, yes,
it is so very difficult!

-(sobbing)
-0h, oh, well,

uh... there, there.

You know, ashes to ashes,
circle of life and all of that.

What-what would you say
your average electric bill is?

Mini hot dogs.

A little pedestrian,
yet strangely comforting.

Uh, may we pay our respects
to Mr. Pinkus?

Oh, of course.
Yes, he's-he's over there.

-Oh.
-Oh.

Excuse me.

Wow.

Either this place
is much bigger than I thought,

or that is one tiny casket.

Is that... all of-of Mr. Pinkus?

I'm afraid so.

Well, I think I would
have remembered

seeing him around the building.

BECKER:
No kidding.

I mean, I know
old people shrink,

but that-that is one little guy.

Well, actually,
he was very large for his breed.

Uh, m-maybe it was
all that people food.

People food?

Breed?

He was a tabby.

A cat? Oh.

Did you hear that, Chris?
Mr. Pinkus was a cat.

You're kidding.

A cat? I-I did all
of this for a cat?

Sure seems that way, doesn't it?

A cat?

But you're still happy,
right, Chris?

You know,
you could have told me.

I spent the whole
damn day on the phone,

ordering food,
flowers and chairs,

all while making
a doomed cheesecake

and writing 47 drafts
of a letter

to get Jake back together
with his girlfriend,

not knowing he was going to
go home and have sex with her!

And when I leave here,

do I get to go home and relax?
No!

No, because I agreed
to spend the evening

entertaining
Linda's cousin Kyle!

I... I don't know
what you're talking about.

-I-I do.
-You shut up!

If it makes you feel any better,
the desserts-- fabulous.

I mean, personally,
I'd lose the flan,

but that's just me.

This-this could be
my imagination,

but you don't seem
all that... happy.

-Let me just tell you something.
-Yeah. Come on.

I am glad I did what I did,

because my heart
was in the right place

and I am happy!

And if I had the chance to do
all this again, I would!

Oh, good, good, good,
'cause I hear

there's a hamster in 4-8
on its last legs.

Screw you.

(chuckling):
Yeah.

Well, only if it would
make you happy.

Sorry about Pinkus.

But the food? Delish.

Uh, actually, you know what?

I-I, uh... I better take off.

-It's been f...
-0h, you know, Mr. Pinkus

would have loved all this.

0h.

He-he was my constant companion
for almost 20 years.

Everywhere I look,

I... I still see
his sweet, little face.

Yes, his fuzzy head.

His sparkling eye.

Oh, well... that one-eyed cat

with th-the orange spot
above its tail?

That's Mr. Pinkus?

Oh, you knew him?

Well, yes.
He was my friend.

I-I called him "Buddy."

Well, he used...
he used to meow at me

from my fire escape.

Oh---...

Yeah, I-I'd open the window

and he'd come
curl up on the couch

and we'd watch
Animal Planet together.

That was his favorite!

Well, I-I am so sorry
if I was insensitive before.

It was just that
I thought he was human.

We all did.

I can't believe he's gone.

What-what happened?

What...? Thank you.

It was a tragic accident.

He always liked to sleep
by the door, and the other day,

a delivery came while I was out
having my-my hair set.

-And...
-Which is lovely, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

And, uh, since I was out,

they dropped the package
through the mail slot...

-0h, my...
-...and it hit Mr. Pinkus

-square on the head!
-0h, my...

And when I came home,
he was just lying there

breathless under this heavy box.

Oh, that is terrible.

And the worst of all...

it was delivered here
by mistake!

It was some sort of... atlas.

And-and... and it was addressed

to that man in the building
that nobody likes.

Um... what's his name?

Um... John... John Becker.

-I hate that guy.
-Yeah.

May I ask... the atlas--
do you still have it?