Becker (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 20 - Mr. and Ms. Conception - full transcript

♪♪

Chris, give me some
coffee, couple of eggs,

some hash browns, white
toast, and some bacon.

What's going on? Where's Chris?

She's in the back
with the fire marshal.

He dropped in for a
surprise inspection.

Oh, well, this
place is a firetrap.

If he shuts it down,
I'm going to have to find

some other place to eat.

Oh, this is not
good for me at all.

Now, why is it whenever
something in the world happens,



suddenly it's all about you?

Suddenly? It's
always been that way.

You know, this
affects us, too, Becker.

What's your point?

In my defense, I had no idea

that was a sprinkler system.

I-I just used it to hang pots.

Well, I'm gonna
have to write you up.

You got to get those
sprinklers in working order.

Oh, come on, I'm very
careful around here.

I have to be. I don't
have any insurance.

Besides, it's going to be
expensive enough to fix this.

If I have to pay a fine, too,
it's just gonna break me.

Listen, lady, there's
nothing I can do about that.



You know what?

I-I'm sorry I lost my temper.

You-you were
just doing your job.

I mean, what if there
really were a fire?

Then she could throw
some food on the flames

and cook us breakfast.

I, for one, just want
to say thank you.

You may have saved our lives.

Oh, you work it, girl.

Yeah, well, we inspectors
always get overlooked.

And it's not fair.

It's those damn hook-and-ladder
guys get all the glory.

Oh. Well, if you
ask me, it's you guys

with-with the clipboards
who... who are the real heroes.

If I'd actually had
anything to eat, I'd throw up.

So, uh... so I'll take
care of everything.

And, again, thanks
for looking out for me.

Yeah, well, I-I was
just doing my job.

I'll tell you what.
You've been very nice.

Uh, you fix the sprinklers,

- we'll forget about the ticket.
- Oh!

How sweet is that.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. I'll take
care of everything.

Oh-ho... Oh, brother.

"It's you guys
with the clipboards.

You're the real heroes."

"Thank you for
looking out for me."

"You should see
me without a top on."

I never said that.

I think it was implied.

That's unbelievable.

You just flirted your
way out of a ticket.

No, I-I was not flirting. I
was just being friendly.

Oh, come on, even I can
see you were all over that guy.

- Oh...
- Women like you

are the reason why I
get all those traffic tickets.

Oh, yeah, right. I
can't wait to hear this.

No, no, you flirt your way
out of them, then the cops

have to make their quota
by giving tickets to men.

You know something?

I bet I could get
out of a ticket, too,

if I had breasts.

Just give it a few years.

How would you like it
if I went to your office

and used your front
steps as a toilet?!

Stupid dog.

Good morning.
Mr. Whitford is waiting

- for you in one.
- What's he want?

To bask in the warmth
of your sunny disposition.

That was good.

And completely inappropriate.

Oh, listen, Margaret, uh,

there's a nosy fire marshal

going around the
neighborhood handing out fines.

If he comes here,
all you got to do is bat

your eyelashes at
him and, you know,

throw him a flirty compliment.

Linda, just, uh...

yeah, stand there and wear that.

Wait a minute, is
that all I'm good for,

to stand around looking pretty?

That was on your résumé.

It also said I could type.

Mr. Whitford, what
can I do for you?

I need Viagra,
and I need it now.

You want to at least
buy me a drink first?

It's just that my wife
and I have spent months

trying to get
pregnant with no luck,

so she went out and
bought all the books,

- you know, with the charts and the graphs.
- Ah.

So now I'm getting calls
in the middle of the day

to run home because she's ready.

But lately, when she's
ready, I'm... kind of... not.

Oh. Have you had this kind
of sexual problem before?

Oh, no, this isn't
sex; this is work.

I'm just punching
in and punching out.

Well...

until lately, you know.

Uh, look, can I
just get those pills?

'Cause I got to be home and
ready to go in-in 37 minutes.

Yeah, it's not that simple.

I'm going to have
to run some tests.

Not everybody is a
candidate for Viagra.

Oh, no. Amy doesn't like it
when she sends me out for stuff

- and I come back without it.
- Mmm.

This is so crazy, to
have to go through all this,

but she really
wants a kid, so...

You don't want to have any?

Well, I never really
thought much about it.

She just assumed
that I did, so...

- Uh-huh.
- I assume that I do.

Well, you know, having kids
is a pretty big responsibility.

- You have kids?
- No, they annoy me.

You know, if you don't want
any, you shouldn't have any.

You do have a vote, you know.

No, actually, we voted
on that, and I don't.

Come on, you know, be a
man, stand up for yourself.

You got to be firm.
Don't be such a softy.

Uh, that's kind of what brought
me here in the first place.

Chris, give me a
grilled cheese sandwich,

some French fries, maybe...

Well, where is she this time?

Oh, she's in the back

trying to fix the
sprinkler system herself.

Wha... You know,
why are you doing that?

Why don't you just
pay a plumber to fix it?

Because a plumber would
charge me hundreds of dollars.

Then why don't you
just flirt with a plumber

and get him to do it for free?

Are you talking
about this morning?

Because I was not flirting
with that fire marshal.

I was just being friendly.

Besides, I don't
need to call anybody.

I-I can do this myself.

I have an uncle who
happened to be a plumber,

and he taught me a lot.

Oh, come... A girl plumber?

That's like a girl
doctor... It's like a joke.

Oh, really? Really?

Well, since I'm just a girl
trying to do a man's job,

maybe you can help me.

Is the three-quarter-inch
gasket on the cross-flow switcher

interchangeable with the
one on the intake valve?

Yes.

- No!
- No.

Boy, you can't walk
two feet in this town

without some bum
hitting you up for money.

Jake, I'm taking a candy
bar. I'll pay you later.

Excuse me, sir.

You know you just
crossed the street

in the middle of the block?

Yeah, so what's the problem?

You were jaywalking.

Gonna have to
write you a ticket.

For jaywalking? In New York?

You got to be kidding me.

I'm going to need some I.D.

What, you want to see
my walker's license?

You going to impound my shoes?

Are we going to
have a problem here?

Look, hey, hey, you're not
doing yourself any favor here.

Yeah, Bob, be nice.

- Nice, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, it
worked for you, right?

Mm-hmm.

All right, uh, look, you
know, sometimes I...

shoot my mouth off.

But, uh, I'm really sorry,
Officer, uh... Bacon.

It's Ba-keen.

Right, right, right. Right.

I mean, if you were
a cop named Bacon,

that would be ridic...
You know what?

This was all my fault. I...

Really, you were just
doing your job, man.

As a matter of fact, you may
have very well saved my life.

- Well, thanks for saying that.
- Well...

you guys, I mean,
you're the real heroes.

I mean, I have tremendous
respect for cops,

ever since I saw Dirty Harry.

You like Dirty Harry, huh?

Oh, I love it. I watch
it every chance I get.

You know, they're
showing it tonight

at a revival theater
down in the Village.

Really? Maybe I'll go see it.

Actually, I was
going to catch it, too.

- You want to meet there?
- Sure. Why not?

Um, Bob...

Shut up. I'm working here.

8:00. Greenwich Theater
on West Broadway.

- Sounds great.
- Uh, Bob...

Shut up!

- So I'll see you tonight, right?
- Great.

Amazing!

You were right.
Did you see that?

I just talked myself
out of a ticket!

And I got a date
with a cop, don't I?

Excuse me, but
can I see the doctor?

- Do you have an appointment?
- No.

I'm just a little
bit upset with him.

Oh, that happens
a lot around here.

What did he do to you?

My husband, Barry Whitford,
came in here this morning,

and the doctor convinced
him not to have children.

Oh, I am so sorry.

Sometimes that man just
doesn't know when to shut up.

I want a baby more than
anything else in the world,

and until this morning, I
thought that Barry did, too.

Oh, you poor thing.

The doctor hates children
because he hates himself.

Just an observation.

We already picked out names.

Ashley for a girl,
Jack for a boy.

We registered at Baby Gap.

They have the
cutest little khakis.

Margaret, I'm going
to need you to...

What is wrong with you?

This woman wants
to get pregnant!

I don't even know her.

This is Barry Whitford's wife,

the man you told
not to have children.

What? No, I never said that.

At 11:17 this morning, I
was ovulating like a salmon!

If you had just

given my husband
those stupid pills,

I'd be two hours
pregnant by now.

- Nice one, John.
- Yeah, nice one.

Look, I never said
not to have kids.

I told him to think
before he had kids.

Telling my husband
what to think is my job!

Look, look, your husband
expressed some doubts

about having kids; I just
said that it's a decision

that the two of you
should make together.

Doubts? So he really
doesn't want to have children?

- No, I never said that.
- He hates children?

No, no, I said that
you should agree on it.

Oh, you're absolutely right.

If my husband doesn't
want to have children,

I've got to find
somebody who does.

No, I... I never said that.

Wha... Did either of
you hear me say that?

No, but it certainly
sounds like you.

Okay, Mr. Fernower, you
can go ahead and get dressed.

I'll meet you in the office.

Oh, uh, just a little advice.

You know, at a certain age, a
Speedo becomes a Spee-don't.

Oh, for...

You told my wife to leave me?

I never said that.

Well, you said something,
'cause she's got her bags packed,

and she's ready to
walk out the door.

Yeah, look, can
we... can we just

talk about this in my office?

Look, when I was
in here this morning,

that was just a
case of cold feet.

I love my wife.

I want to have
children with her.

Well, good, have children,
just leave me out of it.

Fine, but I'm going
to need that Viagra.

Oh. Right.

Look, I'm sorry, but your...

blood pressure is a little high,

and your EKG came
back slightly irregular.

It's nothing serious,

but, you know, I'm just not
comfortable giving you Viagra.

Oh, great. Now what
am I supposed to do?

I mean, how am I
supposed to get excited

if I don't feel excited?

I don't... I don't know.
May... You know...

Maybe you just need to find
ways to spice up your sex life.

What does that mean?

How does a person
just spice up his sex life?

Oh, you put on outfits,
fantasy role-play,

have sex in different places,

like at a restaurant
or a phone booth.

There are handcuffs,
sex toys, videos, lotions,

oils, Tantric massage,

lingerie...

Linda!

Oh, but just so you know,

edible underwear...
Very high in carbs.

I am so sor... Linda,
please, I'm with a patient.

- Leave us alone.
- Oh. Sorry.

Well?

Wh-What she said.

Okay, I want some eggs,
some bacon, some toast and...

Oh, for... Where is she now?

Damn stupid thing!

Ow! Ow!

I take it breakfast
is not happening.

Well, we have no sprinklers,
no water, no coffee.

And if I were you, I'd pee
down at the gas station.

- Yeah, who called it?
- Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Oh, Bobby. So how was your date?

Were you the good cop
or the very, very bad cop?

Shut up.

He didn't show. I got stood up.

Well, why are you so upset?

You were in here
whining for two hours

that you didn't want
a date with a cop,

that you just wanted
to get out of a ticket.

All I'm saying is that if
he wasn't going to show

he could've at least picked
up the phone and called.

You gave him your phone number?

No, but he could've
called the theater

and asked if there
was a good-looking guy

waiting out front.

Maybe he did.

All I know is that now

I've been stood
up by both sexes.

It doesn't feel good.
I'm sick of people.

- Get a dog.
- Dogs don't like me.

- Oh, for...
- You're not gonna believe this.

I had the sprinkler head
in position, and then...

and then I broke
the pintle screw.

Oh, not the pintle screw.

- You know, I hate it when that happens.
- Oh!

You know, I thought I
could do this, but I can't.

Every time I get
the frame in place,

I-I can't screw it in.

Well, you want me
to go take a look at it?

You working on your
sprinkler system?

No, I'm playing golf.

Well, if you're using
that 16-inch pipe wrench,

it's got more torque
than you need.

That's why you
broke the pintle screw.

Wow, you, uh...

you really seem to know
what you're talking about.

Are you a plumber?

No, I'm a caddie.

Swing and a miss. Strike one.

I never realized how
difficult plumbing was

until I tried to do it myself.

Whatever.

Foul ball. Strike two.

You, uh... you
must be really smart.

I mean, you know,
with all the wrenches

and bolts and stuff.

Any chance I could get
you to take a look at it?

Yeah.

For 90 bucks an hour.

Strike three, and
that's the ball game.

Hey, let me get this straight.

Now, is flirting bad, or
are you just bad at it?

I was not flirting. I was...

Oh, leave me alone.

Uh-oh, Bobby, Officer
Boyfriend's here.

Look, I wanted to come in
and apologize for last night.

Oh, that's right, the movie.

We were supposed to meet there.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I got a
call at the end of my shift.

There was an armed
robbery at a liquor store.

Mm-hmm.

Turned into a high-speed chase.

It was on the news.

That was you?

I mean... I might have
saw something about that.

It got a little hairy.
Shots were fired.

From real guns?!

Wow! Did you catch the guy?

I mean, how fast were you
driving? Were you scared?

When you're a cop,
you learn to live with fear.

But we got him, and
luckily, no one was hurt.

Well, sit down.
Tell me all about it.

Well, actually, I gotta
run, but if you want,

we can talk more
about this tonight.

Let's say dinner
at Dominic's, 8:00?

Great!

See you then.

Did you hear that?

He was in a high-speed chase,

and I just made another
date with a cop, didn't I?

Hey, look, wait.

I got to tell
you... I'm not gay.

Neither am I.

I'm just a lonely
guy reaching out

for a little human
companionship.

Oh, okay.

Well, then I'll see you
later, Officer Ba-keen.

Call me Francis.

Look, if, uh, Mr. and
Mrs. Whitford call,

please tell them I'm not here.

I don't blame you for
wanting to avoid them

after the mess you
made of their lives.

Look, do we have
to go over again

what I did and did not say?

It sure would help me.

Oh, no, no, I can't
listen to that again.

I'm going for a walk,

so just please tell
them I'm not here.

Well, if you're going for a
walk, then you won't be here.

Exactly.

So why'd you even bring it up?

If they called here
and you weren't here,

we'd say you weren't here.

He wants us to
say he's not here,

because he knows he screwed up.

I did not.

Look, those people
are driving me crazy.

So even though I'm going now,

when I come back
or whenever they call,

I still want you to
tell them I'm not here.

Couldn't I just tell them
you're at a medical conference?

You know, Margaret, if I ever
snap, that one... first to go.

Oh, look at this.

Why did you tell my husband

that we should have a
three-way with my sister?

You said that?!

No, I never said that!

Excuse me.

Dr. Becker's at a
medical conference.

Linda...

Oh, sorry. He's out for a walk.

Look, all your husband said was

that things between the two of
you had gotten a little routine.

Oh, so now he thinks
that I'm boring in bed?

No, he never said that.

Well, obviously
he said that to her,

and he must have
gotten it from somewhere.

Look, I don't know
what he said to her.

I just know what he said to me.

And what I said to
him was, you know,

maybe he should use a little
imagination in the bedroom.

Oh, that's all you said?

I heard something
about handcuffs, outfits,

videos, lotions.

- You said that?
- No, you said that.

Oh, so now you're blaming Linda.

- What? I...
- Fine, fine.

You want me to make it
more exciting for my husband?

I'll invite over the super,

my next-door neighbor
and the mailman.

And then in nine months,

Barry can try to figure
out who the father is.

All right, but when you
talk to your husband,

remember, you
said that, I didn't.

Bet you wish you were at
that medical conference now.

For crying out...

Oh, geez!

- What?
- Hey, sorry to bother you...

Why is it so dark in here?

Hey, you know, I had
those off for a reason.

You know, I'm trying to relax.

I've had a very bad day.

Are you raising pigeons?

Oh, no, it's a
relaxation machine.

It makes those nature noises.

It's supposed to
help reduce stress.

You'd be amazed how many
people give them to me for Christmas.

I'm amazed anyone
gives you gifts at all.

You know, be nice
to me, will you?

I've had a really crappy day.

I-I've been stalked
by this crazy couple

who want to have a baby.

You know, I just want
to get away from people

and all their insecurities
and neuroses.

Okay, then I'll make this quick.

- Do you think I'm pretty?
- What?

Come on, how would you
rate me? Give me a number.

You know, seven,
eight, ten... ten?

Why are you doing this?

Because I flirted my
ass off with that plumber.

I gave him the hair twirl,
th-the cleavage, the pouty lips.

I got nothing.

Ah, yes. So you were flirting.

Well, of course I was flirting.

I am a woman. That's what we do.

I mean, what do you think
these are for, your pleasure?

They're to get stuff done.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Telling my wife
she's boring in bed?

How did you find
out where I live?

- That sex toy girl at your office told me.
- Oh...

- Definitely the first to go.
- Hi.

Look, look, I never told your
wife she was boring in bed.

Hey, how did you know
his wife was boring in bed?

I never said that.

Well, you must have
said something...

What are those, birds?

Aha! I knew I
couldn't trust you.

- What are you doing here?
- I turn my back

for one second, and you
come running over here

to complain to him
about our sex life.

- Who's this?
- Hi.

- Is she with you?
- Oh, God, no.

What's that supposed to mean?

I see what's going on here.

You're having
an affair with her,

and that's why you
have nothing left for me.

- Her? Oh, come on.
- Oh, please!

Hey, hey, what's wrong with me?

Yeah, look, look,
look, nobody is sleeping

with anybody around here.

Yeah, it's 'cause you wouldn't
give me the damn Viagra.

Wait, wait, wait, I meant
it. What's wrong with me?

You can take all the
pills you want to, Barry.

I am never sleeping
with you again after this.

Are there birds in here?

No, it's the damn
relaxation machine.

Lot of good it's
doing me. You know,

I made a conscious
choice not to have any kids.

Now, all of a sudden,
I got two of them.

You know, you're
loud, you're whiny,

you're irrational!

You don't do anything I say!

Put that down.
You're gonna break it.

Look, for God's sake, you
know, you are the last people

on Earth who should
ever reproduce.

Are you gonna let him
speak to us that way?

- Well, are you? Are you?!
- Oh, please.

- Will you shut up!
- What?!

Just stop telling me what to do!

You're the reason
I can't have sex.

Because you keep
deciding when we're having it

and where we're having
it and how we're having it.

- Well, that is over!
- Barry...

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

From now on, I make
all the sex decisions.

You can throw out the
charts and the graphs,

'cause from now on,
we're doing it for fun,

and only when I say I'm ready.

And I think I might be ready.

Wow!

- Ew!
- Ew!

Oh, Barry, I've never
seen you this way before.

I like it.

Let's go home.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah,

just go, you know, anywhere.

Can you believe that?

Those people are crazy!

Well, he was, but
I kind of liked her.

- What?
- Well, you heard her.

She thought I was a threat.

I-I don't know what
I was worried about.

I've still got it.

Oh yeah, you know what? Fine.

What... what's that
supposed to mean?

What, you think
I'm kidding myself?

You don't think I'm attractive?

- I never said that!
- Well, the hell with you!

I don't need your opinion

to validate how I
feel about myself.

Oh! Sorry!

They really were ready.