Becker (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 18 - Amanda Moves Out - full transcript

II

No, no, you don't understand.

I have called every drug store
in this city,

and nobody has what I need.

No, this-this is
a very serious condition.

I could die if I don't get this.

You'll have it here
by tomorrow?

Great.

Thank God.

Chris, I had no idea
you were sick.

What is it, your heart?



My hair.

I ran out of conditioner.

And hey, don't laugh.
This happens to be very serious.

Hey, you don't have to tell me.

You think I just wake up
looking like this?

Morning, Chris.

Let me have
a great big breakfast, will you?

A couple eggs,
couple of sausages.

I tell you, everything
tastes so much better

now that I've quit smoking.

Bob, is there any chance
you use Sculpt 'n' Shine

Leave-In Conditioner for Curls
by Sundora?

No, but you can try my
Styling Glaze for Men by J'mon.

Mmm... tried it.



It gave my hair a matte finish.

Oh, I hate when that happens.

Hey, may-maybe you guys
didn't hear me.

I-I quit smoking.

You know, it's really scary

if I go too long
without conditioner.

I should have stocked up.

I was playing with fire.

I don't know what
you were thinking, sister.

That's a dangerous game.

You know what else
is a dangerous game?

-Smoking.
-CHRIS: You know, I have never

gone so much as two days
without my conditioner.

Yeah, speaking of two days,

it's been two whole days
since I've had a cigarette.

Hey, Jake. How you doing?

Uh, I'm not so sure.
Something's bothering me.

Yeah, well, if you're afraid
I started smoking again,

don't worry, I haven't.

Now, tell me if this
sounds bad, all right?

Now, last night,
Amanda and I were...

well, in the middle of things...

Not bad so far.

What, am-am I even here?

Anyway, we were in bed,
and I couldn't tell

if she was yelling out
"Oh, man" or "0h, Stan."

It's Stan.

Well, how do you know?

You're wearing a shirt
that has "Stan" written on it.

Wait, wait, wait.

It is possible that Amanda
bought him a shirt

and the designer's name is Stan.

Yeah, and that's his logo.

You know, like Ralph Lauren,
Tommy Hilfiger or... Stan.

What-what are you talking about?

It's one of those shirts
that delivery guys wear.

They bring stuff to my office
all the time.

Yeah, but why would a delivery
guy be leaving his shirt

in my...

0h, damn.

Amanda's cheating on me
with some guy named Stan.

Jake, that's terrible.

Yeah, I'm sorry, buddy.

Okay, that's cleared up.

Now can we get back
to me, please?

You know what? That's it.

I'm going to go home
and talk to Amanda.

Then I'm going to go
take care of this guy Stan.

The guy stole my girlfriend,

and you know what,
come to think of it,

my high-tops are missing.

-Poor guy.
-Poor guy?

His girlfriend cheated on him.
It happens.

I, on the other hand,
have gone without nicotine

-for two whole days!
-CHRIS: 0h.

You quit smoking?

Yeah, why didn't you
say something?

Margaret, I forgot to ask--

the fax come in with
Mrs. Gilbert's test results?

Oh, the results just got here,
but they're not very clear.

Well, of course not to you.

You're not a doctor.

I can't read this.

That's what I was trying
to tell you.

The fax machine needs
a new film roll.

I'll call the repairman.

What... Why?

Because I can't do it myself.

Margaret...

In said,
"I can't do it myself,"

I never would
have quit smoking,

which I have
for the last two days.

Now...

maybe it's time you thought
about doing things yourself,

instead of relying on
other people to do them for you.

Think about it. Here, file this
for me, will you?

You better walk away

before I take that soapbox
you're on and beat you with it.

Margaret, what do you think
you're doing?

I'm trying to fix
the damn fax machine.

You don't know how to do that.

Why don't you just call
the repairman?

John won't let me.

-Why not?
-Who knows?

He quit smoking.

Now he's on his high horse.

0h.

Well, that's good
he took up riding.

Keep his mind off smoking.

Margaret told me
you quit smoking.

Congratulations.
I'm so proud of you.

I'm glad somebody is.

And I want you to know that
I'm happy to be your sponsor.

Sponsor?

You know, the person
who stands by your side

and makes sure you never
start smoking again.

I'm great at it.

I'm my mom's sponsor.
She's quit 13 times.

I-I quit smoking all by myself.

I don't need a sponsor.

Well, sure, not now,

but what happens
when you wake up

in the middle of the night

with a need so bad
you can hardly stand it?

All’s you have to do
is pick up the phone, call me,

and I'll be there for you.

Yeah, don't be.

I mean, not there
in bed next to you.

God, I got enough problems
without sleeping with my boss.

But don't worry, I'm not
attracted to you at all.

-Good.
-Seriously.

-Good. -No way.

I get it!

Even

What...?

So, when you wake up
in the middle of the night

screaming because you
want a cigarette,

just call me,
and I'll be there.

Usually, when I feel
like screaming,

you already are.

Amanda?

It's me.

Get out here.

I want to talk.

Amanda...

I'm-I'm not...
I'm not kidding, Amanda.

I'm serious.

Look, I know all about

what's going on with you
and Stan, all right?

I may be blind, but don't think
I can't see what's going on

right in front of my face.

Amanda...

Look, you can pull this silent
routine as long as you want,

but we are gonna
talk about this.

I'll be sitting
right out here on the couch.

Just waiting for you.

Why would you do this,
Amanda?

I-I thought we had
something special.

All right, well, you can't
hide in there forever, Amanda.

I'll be out here... waiting.

Amanda?

Amanda?

Stan?

Chris, get out here already
with my breakfast!

I'm starving!

Uh...

I don't want to break
the news to you, but...

I think your hair
is unscrewing.

Oh, my God, it's starting.

All right, all right,
all right, calm down.

We can handle this.

First things first--
give me my breakfast.

Hey, there's a delivery truck.

That guy's supposed to bring
my Sculpt 'n' Shine

Leave-In Conditioner
for Curls by Sundora.

-Chris?
-What-what...?

Why-why is he driving away?

-Well, that's a good question.
-Hey!

If you'll just give me
my breakfast...

Hey, hey, hey!
Come back here

with my Sculpt 'n' Shine
Leave-In Conditioner

for Curls by Sundora!

Chris, Chris,
it'll only take a second.

I'm getting to the bottom
of this.

-I'm calling Sundora.
-That'd be good,

but before you do that,
could you give me the breakfast?

'Cause I'm kind of getting
a little dizzy and...

Chris?

Yeah. Hi, hi. Hello? Yeah.

This is Chris Connor.
I placed an order yesterday.

-So did I.
-Well, well...

What do you mean,
it won't be here till tomorrow?

But... you promised it would
be here overnight.

What?!

My breakfast!

Two-day service
is not overnight!

It's overnight!

Chris...

Yeah, sorry. Here, Bob.

All right, so... so... so...

you promise
it'll be here tomorrow?

All right, thank you.

(sighs)

Wow, you were hungry.

0h, hey, nice hair.

Couldn't get a cab
with a windshield?

Shut up.

-She needs her conditioner.
-CHRIS: Yeah.

If I don't get it, I'm just...
I'm going to go out of my mind.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
just like an addict.

Totally dependent on an external
substance for your happiness.

I used to be like you.

Yeah, but ever since
I quit smoking, you know,

I find my...
my peace from within.

Wh-What's it been?
Like, three days?

Almost.

That's not the point, though.

The point is that
I did it myself

and I've never felt better
in my life.

You don't see me
all upset, do you?

You don't see me wigging out.

I think... Hey, what the hell
were you thinking,

calling me at 2:00
in the morning?!

Sorry, but as your sponsor,
I wanted to make sure

you weren't having a craving.

I was having a craving.
For sleep!

You know, Linda, I have cravings
in the middle of the night, too.

I know. Quit calling me.

LINDA:
Hey, Jake.

Well, you're not gonna
believe it.

Amanda moved out.

-0h, Jake, I'm sorry.
-0h, that's too bad, Jake.

And she took
everything with her.

And by "everything,"
I mean furniture, appliances,

my big-screen TV.

Why do you need
a big-screen...?

I just like knowing
that I have one.

-I can't believe she did that.
-BECKER: Yeah, I can.

I never liked her.

Unless you get back together.

Then I never said that.

Well, I found this envelope
this morning. I'm...

I'm guessing
it's a Dear John letter.

I can't believe she left
her blind boyfriend a letter.

That's like breaking up
with a deaf guy over the phone.

All right, Jake, buddy,
I'll, uh,

read it to you here.

Uh... actually,
I forgot my glasses.

Here, why don't you read it.

(gasps)

(silently mouthing words)

Uh, wow, I-I have no idea
what this says.

Her handwriting is atrocious.

Give it to me. If I can read

Dr. Becker's writing,
I can read anyone's.

Except hers.

What, did she have a stroke?

(silently mouthing words)

Will somebody just read
the damn letter?

0h, here, give it to me.
I'll read it.

See what we got here.

"Dear Jake..."

Okay... it's all pretty standard
break-up stuff.

Nothing I haven't seen before.

0h, here we go.

"I've been sleeping
with a guy named Stan

"for the last six months
right under your nose.

"We're running off to Vegas
to get married.

All the best, Amanda."

Oh, God.

0h, now I see why
nobody wanted to read this.

I can't believe it. I mean,
she's-she's going to marry Stan?

It really says that?

Yeah, I mean, you want me
to read it again?

'Cause like a whole paragraph
of how good he is in bed.

Bob, Bob, enough, enough.

What-what am I gonna do?

Well, you're just gonna
be a man, buddy,

and take the pain.

That's what I did
when I quit smoking.

CHRIS:
Oh, please.

How can you possibly
equate quitting smoking

with Jake losing his girlfriend?

Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, mine's a lot worse.

I can never have
another cigarette.

He can always get another woman.

I need to be alone.

You are alone. She left you.

-Jake, don't.
-BECKER: No, no, no, no.

Let him go. Let him go.

If he's ever gonna
get through this,

he's gonna have to toughen up...

like I did when I quit smoking.

You know, we shouldn't
have let him leave.

He's got no one to talk to.

It's not healthy
to keep your feelings

bottled up inside.

I don't keep anything
bottled up inside.

Could you?

Excuse me. I have a package
for a, uh, Chris Connor.

Oh! My Sculpt 'n' Shine

Leave-In Conditioner
for Curls by Sundora!

Finally, it's here!

I don't get it.
What's the big deal?

You don't use hair gel, do you?

What the hell is this?

It's a sex toy.

I ordered something for my hair.

Yeah, well, don't use that.

Your hair looks
bad enough already.

Look, you, I ordered a case
of Sculpt 'n' Shine

Leave-In Conditioner
for Curls by Sundora.

Now, you go back
to your shipping depot,

you find it,
and you bring it back here

before I turn into
the bride of Frankenstein!

Before?

Go!

What am I supposed
to do with this?

You really want me to tell you
in front of them?

Damn it!

You're still working
on that fax machine?

Well, maybe I wouldn't be

if someone would give me
a little help.

I'll get Dr. Becker.

Nah-uh-uh. Now wait a minute.

You-you...
you just take this re"

while I figure out
what to do with this end.

Okay.

(phone rings)

I'll get it.

Doctor's office.

Yeah, this is a bakery.

That's why I said
"doctor's office."

Is the world full of stupid
people, or is it just me?

It's just you.

You know, there'd be
some mornings I'd wake up

and I'd think, "You know,
why even get out of bed?"

Then I'd look over
at the nightstand

and I'd see my little
tobacco friend

just waiting there to say,
"Good morning."

And then all of a sudden,
everything would be okay.

I'm-I'm-I'm way past that now.

You know, not a day goes by
I don't thank my lucky stars

-that I quit smoking.
-Well, how long's it been?

Uh, let's see, a year from now,
it'll be a year and three days.

Ah, for crying out...!

Hey... what happened to my gum?

I had a half a stick of gum
in here this morning.

Dr. Becker, are you sure
you're all right?

You're showing all the classic
signs of relapsing.

But don't worry,

'cause I have just
the thing for you.

That's what you got for me?

A... a cat hanging
from a branch?

Don't you get it?

The cat's up a tree,

but he's still
"hanging in there."

Here.

How's this supposed to help me?

This cat never smoked!

I can't make the roll fit.

I called the company
to get the instructions.

What'd they say?

They said they would
fax them to me.

I just can't do this!

Well, here.

Hang in there, baby.

Hey, Jake, you in there?
It's John.

Yeah, come on in.

Didn't you used to have
a doorbell out here?

Amanda took that, too.

0h.

Wow, you know,
I-I thought this place

was going to look bad.
It looks fine.

Have a seat here.
You want a beer?

No, thank you.

I just thought I'd, uh, come by.

I know it's kind of hard on you.

I wanted to see
how you were doing.

Well, actually,
I'm not doing too good.

Damn. Forgot. No coffee table.

-You-you want some pizza?
-Wha...? 0h.

Did you, uh, pay for this
by credit card?

Yeah. Actually, I ordered it
by phone. Why?

Well, it looks like you paid
$46 for a small cheese pizza.

Damn, this is just not my day.

I don't know what to do, John.

Do I crawl back to her,

or do I go beat Stan up
'cause he... he drove her off

into the sunset in his big,
cool, brown truck?

Absolutely not. That'd be weak.

That'd be like me
starting smoking again,

which I'd never do,
because like I said,

you know, that would be...
that'd be weak.

I... I miss her so...

I miss her so much, John.

I mean, I think I'm doing okay,
and then...

and then something
will remind me of her.

She... she was the first thing
I'd reach for

when I got up in the morning.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

But you-you just got to put...
got to put that in the past.

Yeah, but I-I don't know
if I can.

I mean, John,
she was my best friend.

I mean, every... every time
I was around her,

I'd... I'd just light up.

-0h, God!
-What?

Look, look, we're just
going to, you know...

we're going to get
through this, buddy.

I mean, you-- we're going
to get you through this.

Thanks.
That... that means a lot.

Yeah.

You know, if you need to,
you can cry.

No. I think I'm going
to be all right.

(sobbing)

-John?
-Yeah.

Are you crying?

No, no, I'm fine.

I... you know, I'm just sad
for you, that's all.

(sobbing)

Come on, Chris.
Get out here already.

Yeah, we're hungry!

CHRIS: I can't.
I'm afraid you'll judge me.

Oh, just put a hat on.
Don't be such a baby.

CHRIS:
I already did.

Is it bad?

No, no. Not at all.

No, it's a good look for you.

You!

Yow! What happened to you?

Is that my Sculpt 'n' Shine?
Give it to me.

-Yeah, just sign right here.
-Sign it yourself.

Hey, uh, h-hold up a second,
there.

-Me?
-Yeah, you.

You're a delivery guy, right?

-Yeah, that's right.
-Yeah?

You work in the neighborhood?

-Yeah, I do.
-Yeah?

Your name's not Stan, is it?

-No, it's Dave.

Do you know Stan?

What are you talking about?

Hey, hey, don't give me that.

I mean, all you delivery guys
are the same

with your brown shorts
and your muscular calves.

I was with the love of my life
for two and a half years,

and then one of you guys came
and ruined everything.

0h, damn,
are you Gloria's husband?

-No.
-Julie's?

What-what is it with you guys?

Huh? Do... do you just park
outside someone's house,

wait for the men to leave, and
then go sleep with their wives?

Yeah, that's terrible!

Are you guys hiring?

You people are all crazy.
Geez!

Just let me ride
in the truck with you.

Is it scary driving
without doors?

I don't believe it.

I'm never going
to see Amanda again.

0h, buck up, will you?

Well, yesterday,
you said I could cry.

You still not over that?
Come on. Let it go.

-John?
-What?

I hope you're happy.

I tried to fix
that fax machine for days.

It broke me.

I will pay to have
that machine fixed myself.

Just, please,
don't make me do this anymore.

This is Sculpt 'n' Shine
for extra body!

Does this hair look
like it needs extra body?!

Is that...
is that guy still here?

Maybe what I need
is still on the truck.

Maybe... maybe I have
somebody else's

and they have mine.

Oh---...

Oh, no.

He's gone.

Oh, God. (cries)

You people make me sick!

"My girlfriend cheated on me."

"I can't change a fax."

"My hair's too frizzy."

Oh, for God's sake!

I haven't had a cigarette
in over five days.

You don't see my whining,
do you?

That's 'cause I've
got character.

I got strength.

-I got...
-Shut up!

I can't listen
to another minute of this.

I'm just trying
to help you people.

You know, you are
so damn self-righteous.

And annoying.

You know, why don't you
just have a smoke already?

-What? What?
-Yeah, great, great. If-if only

just to put something
in his mouth to shut him up!

-Here, here, smoke!
-0h. Oh, yeah.

Oh... oh, yeah, I get it.
I get it.

You think, just 'cause I have a
pack of cigarettes in my hands,

that I'm gonna fall off
the wagon. Is that it?

You think I'm going
to blow five days

of not smoking? Yeah?

Well, I bet you think
that if I take one drag

I'm going to get
hooked again, right?

Yeah, well, forget it.
I'm not. Watch this.

What are you doing?!

Nothing.

Yes, you were.

You were about to smoke
this cigarette.

No, I wasn't.
I was just gonna,

you know, prove a point.

-Give me that!
-0h!

Face it, John.
You were going to smoke.

You are just as weak
as the rest of us.

No, I'm not! I'm not.

I was just gonna take
one little puff

and then throw it away
to show you how strong I was.

But I didn't even do that.
That's how strong I am.

All’s I know is

there's a little kitty
back at the office

who's gonna be
very disappointed in you.

(sobbing):
I hate that cat!