Becker (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 17 - Thank You for Not Smoking - full transcript

II

They got 30 handicap
parking spots at the gym.

Who the hell's using them?

You think it'd be the one place

an able-bodied man
could finally catch a break.

You're bitching
about walking a few extra steps

to get to a treadmill.

For your information,

I was trying to park
at the gym

so I could go
to the Krispy Kreme next door.

And you didn't bring us any?



I ate them on the way
back to the car.

Mm-mm-mm.

I don't know why
they call this a "drag."

It is heaven.

(coughs)

Hey, cover your mouth.
Do you mind?

Will you put that out?

You're making my customers sick,

and you're making me sick,
and it's disgusting.

I smoke here every day.

It's disgusting every day.

You should be used to it, then.

See? Your smoking
made that woman leave.

0h, lucky us--
she left the paper.



-Ooh, let me get the crossword.
-All right, you know what,

just put the cigarette out,
will you, please?

Yeah, fine.
You're ruining it for me anyway.

-Good morning, everyone.
-Hey. -What's up, Jake?

-CHRIS: Hey, Jake.
-Listen, listen.

No breakfast
for me this morning.

I got to go on a diet.

These pants are so tight,
I can barely walk.

That's the least
of your problems.

Since when do you wear
lime green pants?

I don't have lime green pants.

I think you do.

Come on. That makes no sense.

These pants were on the chair
in my bedroom,

so they have to be mine.

But they are really tight.

And short.

And green.

Well, Jake, why don't I
just look in your pants

and see if they're your size?

Well, let me think
about how bad I want to know.

Yeah, all right. Yeah.

Make it quick, though.

Wow, satin briefs. I thought
you were more like a...

-All right, come on, Bob!
-Right, right, right.

32 waist.

No way. I'm a 34.

Well, then they're not
your pants. Problem solved.

Yeah, but there's still
a problem.

-I'm wearing somebody
else's pants! -BECKER: Yeah.

Well, now, I know what
you're thinking:

some guy left them on the chair
in your bedroom

after sleeping
with your girlfriend,

but I wouldn't jump
to any conclusions.

Actually,
I was thinking that maybe

Amanda got these for me
as a gift.

Take it from me, my friend,
those pants are no gift.

I'm-I'm gonna go home
and talk to Amanda.

-Yeah, I think you better.
-Yeah.

(Becker chuckles)

Oh! Oh, my God!

You put your cigarette out
in my coffee!

-Yuck.
-0h!

All right, you know what,
that's it.

No more smoking in the diner.

As of this moment,

this is a non-smoking
restaurant.

-You can't do that.
-0h, sure I can.

Smoking in any
eating establishment

is at the discretion
of the proprietor,

according to
City Ordinance 324259.

Where'd you get that?

It's my high school
locker combination.

But... I still say
you can't smoke here.

And you know what?
You can take these with you.

Yeah, Becker,
get those out of here.

That's just stupid.

You know, where am I gonna
smoke my morning cigarette?

Smoke at home.

And stink up my apartment?

Yeah. And stink up
his apartment?

You know, whose side are you on?

I don't really give a crap.

I just like to be involved.

Look, come on, I have

so few pleasant stops

along the trail of tears
I call my life, you know?

Hitting the snooze button twice,

my morning cigarettes here,

you know, and the slow kid
at the market

who always undercharges me.

I hate that kid.

He always makes fun of me.

Seriously, it's not fair,
you know?

You got to at least
give a guy a warning.

Can you read?

There's one right here
on the pack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A couple of rats get emphysema,
I'm supposed to change my life?

I don't think so.

Good morning, John.

Not yet, it isn't.

I haven't had
my morning cigarette.

That fascist Chris
instituted a new rule--

you can't smoke
at the diner anymore.

You got any matches
back there, Margaret?

0h, sure.
Let me get them for you.

Yeah, thank you.

What the hell are you doing?

I only had two left.

You know you can't
smoke in here.

What the hell
were you thinking?

Oh, I don't know.

I was thinking, you know,
"My office, my rules."

Since when?

Besides, you should quit
that filthy habit anyway.

There's nothing to quit.
I don't smoke 'cause I need to.

I smoke because I want to.

And right now
I really, really want to.

Well, too bad.

There's a patient
waiting for you in room one.

-Who?
-I don't know.

Linda checked her in
before I got here.

You're kidding me.
Linda got here before you?

Well, she was wearing
her watch upside down.

-She thought she was late.
-0h.

Okay, so you know what to do?

Absolutely.

Tell me just one more time.

What is so hard to understand?

You tell the doctor
your dog's symptoms

but make him think
you're talking about yourself.

Then you find out
what's wrong with him,

and we'll go from there.

Do you really think

I'm going to be able
to fool him?

I mean, he's a doctor.

The great thing
about intelligent people

is they're
really not that bright.

Here you go, Dr. Becker.
She's all checked in.

Thank you.

Okay, Holli, what seems
to be the problem?

I don't like to chase
Frisbees in the park.

Well, neither do I.

How can I help you?

I have no appetite,
I'm very tired,

and my nose is warm and dry.

It's usually cold and wet.

I'm sorry,
I don't think I understand.

How about this?

I used to love to go outside
and chase squirrels.

Now I just lie by the back door
and whimper.

Yeah, I-I know you, don't I?

Well, I worked here
for an afternoon,

and then I became friends
with your...

Linda!

Yeah.

Yes?

What's wrong with this girl?

-She's really sick.
-It didn't work.

It's her dog.

What... Linda, I'm not a vet.

Wait-wait-wait a minute.

You-you do know
that I'm not a vet, don't you?

Yes, but Holli's dog Fred
is sick

and she can't afford
to take him to a vet.

Things are really tight
right now.

Yeah, I can see that. What...

Come on.
What do you want from me?

Well, she has people insurance,

so if you could just find out
what's wrong with the dog,

then you could treat him
and put her name on the form.

I'm not going to commit
insurance fraud.

Well, then treat him for free.

You do it for people in this
neighborhood all the time.

That's because they're people!

Okay, fine, but you're gonna

have to break it
to Fred yourself.

What?

So, how have you been?

Don't talk to me.

Go ahead.
Explain it to him.

Yeah, I'm not talking
to a dog, Linda.

Don't look at me like that.

I'm not treating you.

You know, it may not mean
anything to you,

but I'm a Harvard-educated
physician,

so I'm not gonna treat you.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

All right, fine.
All right, here...

I'll call a vet,

and I'll run a few tests,
but that's it.

Any chance he's going
to need medical marijuana?

Hey, out!

Coffee to go, please, Chris.

What are you doing?

I was serious.
You can't smoke here anymore.

Oh, come on. I would have
thought by now you'd had time

to get the ashes out
of your teeth.

She's serious, Becker.

This is now a non-smoking
restaurant.

Back off, Bob.
I still have a lighter.

Between that jacket
and your hair gel,

you'd go up
like a Texas oil field.

Hey, get that away from me.

This shirt is made out of
recycled packing material.

John, if you're really
that addicted,

why don't you just smoke
on the way over here?

Because I don't like to smoke
while I walk.

It blows back in my face, and...

secondhand smoke
is very dangerous.

Look, I am not addicted.

You know, smoking
is simply a pleasure

that I choose to allow myself
in moderation.

I got one of those.

Wait. In moderation?

Aw, forget it. No, I don't.

You know, John, you can
rationalize it any way you want,

but if you're smoking,
you're addicted.

No, I'm not!
And I know that because

I don't have
an addictive personality.

Now, just give me my damn coffee
before I lose it!

What are you do...

That's very cute.

You're welcome.

Watch out, man.

She is in a foul mood.

Hey, Jake,
you talk to Amanda yet?

No, no. I left a message.

I told her to meet me here
for lunch.

-So what are you gonna tell her?
-I don't know.

I've been racking my brain

trying to come up
with some explanation

of how those pants ended up
in my house.

Face it, Amanda cheated on you

right under your nose,
my friend.

Hey, listen, I want to get
all the facts

before I go making
any accusations.

You have the facts, okay?

So when she gets here,
be strong.

Let her know who wears
the pants in the family.

I don't care
whose pants they are.

You know, Jake,
the only problem

with Bob's advice
is that it comes from Bob.

Just give Amanda

-the benefit of the doubt.
-Yeah, you know what?

-You are right.
-Yeah.

I mean, we've had
our ups and downs,

but one thing I know
is I can trust Amanda.

She'd never cheat on me.

Hi, Jake.

You lying whore!

What?

Yeah, yeah.
I-I wore some lime green pants

that were left on my chair
by some guy that you slept with!

You think I cheated on you?

Well, hey, I don't see
any other possibilities.

Okay, Jake, you got me.

There can't be
any other possibility.

Unless, of course,
the dry cleaners

gave me those pants by mistake
and I put them on the chair

so I'd remember
to take them back.

Okay, that's another
possibility.

You know, all the time
we've been together,

I've done nothing but love you
and-and care about you,

and you call me a lying whore?

Pet name?

No, that hurts, Jake.
That really hurts.

It's like you just want
to think the worst about me

without even talking
to me first.

If you don't have trust
in a relationship,

you've got nothing.

Nice work, Bob.

The dry cleaners.

God, it never occurred to me.

Where does she get off saying
that I'm addicted to smoking?

I just enjoy it.
That's all.

You know how it is.

Right? I mean, you like
to lick yourself.

You don't do that
because you're addicted.

You do it because
it gives you pleasure.

And... well, because you can.

So, you know, I don't care
what Margaret says.

I'm going to have
a little cigarette here.

And you, uh... well,

-Lick 'em if you got 'em.
-(barks)

Oh, I'm sorry, pal.

That must have hurt.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

MARGARET:
John?

What are you doing?

Are you smoking?

You better not be.

And get that dog out of here.

(groaning)

It still hurt a lot less
than if she caught me. Ooh!

All right, Ms. Turner,

put this cream on
three times a day,

and if I were you, I would stay
out of the tanning salon.

Unless, of course,
the look you're going for

is broiled lobster.

Idiot.

Ooh, these girls can be so dumb.

Tanning salons
are so bad for you.

Oh, come on, Margaret,
you remember what it was like

when you needed a quick tan

for a big occasion
like the prom.

No, Linda,
I never needed a quick tan.

Oh, my God, Margaret,
I'm so sorry.

You didn't go to your prom,
did you?

0h, great.
Hey, that's my chair.

Come on, get up.

What's the matter
with you there, buddy?

Come on, what could be so bad?

He won't talk.
I already tried.

(sighs)

Do you have any idea
what's wrong with him?

Yeah, I don't know, you know?

I ran some blood tests,
took X-rays.

He still...
he-he just sits there.

(barks)

Whoa, buddy.

You like hamburger, do you?

Oh, yeah, he loves meat.

Holli used to work
at a steak restaurant.

She brought him home scraps
all the time.

Huh. She doesn't work there
anymore?

No. She was fired.

She got tired
of wearing the cow costume.

They made her wear that
in the restaurant?

No, that was just a thing
between her and her boss.

Well, how long ago
did Fred get these symptoms?

A couple of weeks ago, I guess.

Around the time she got fired.

And nobody put that together?

Oh, of course!

Fred's depressed
because Holli got fired.

See what I have to put up with?

Or maybe he misses the scraps
she used to bring home.

You know, I think you're right.

No wonder Fred's upset.

Can you imagine
enjoying something every day,

day after day,

counting on it,
looking forward to it,

then having someone
just take it away from you?

No, Linda, I can't imagine
what that's like.

Sure, you can-- it's like
you and your cigarettes.

Out. Get out.
You just get out, will you?

You know something,
if you could answer the phone,

you could have her job.

I've ruined everything.

I mean,
Amanda will never forgive me.

Why don't you just
send her flowers?

'Cause I don't think FTD carries

a "I'm sorry I called you
a lying whore" bouquet.

I never got one of those,
but I did get

an "I'm sorry I slept with
your sister" muffin basket.

It's a damn shame.

Yeah, it's a damn shame
I listened to you.

That's what I meant.

I'm here, Jake.
What do you want?

Amanda, listen, I-I just
want to talk with you.

I just want to make
things right.

Please, let's sit down.

(sighs) Sure.

You know, I've really

-been wanting to talk
to you, too. -Yeah?

Well, okay, you-you go first.

Drop dead.

-Your turn.
-I'm-I'm sorry.

Come on,
what was I supposed to think?

I found myself
in some other guy's pants.

It scared me.

Well, you could have asked me

before you jumped
to conclusions.

I-I know. I was wrong, baby.

How can I make it up to you?

Well, you could start
by trusting me.

And buying me things.

What, like dinner? (chuckles)

Like jewelry.

Oh, so... so that's
all I am to you--

some guy to buy you jewelry.

Ha! If that's all
you were to me,

I would have been gone
a long time ago.

Wait, so... so now I don't
buy you enough things?

You don't buy me anything.

Okay, so you're saying
the only reason you're with me

is 'cause the sex is great.

(chuckles)

You can tell yourself that.

Wait a minute,
you told me that.

Hey, Amanda...
Amanda, come back here.

Come back here already!

Wow, that was harsh.

Eh, relax.
They'll probably just go home

and have sex
like they usually do.

Speaking of which...

you mentioned you had a sister
who sleeps around.

Just how low is her self-esteem?

For you? Not low enough.

I had to ask.

Well, Margaret,
it has been a long, hard day,

and I am going home.

A long, hard day.

Boy, I didn't think I was
gonna make it through,

but I did.
Anyway, good night.

John, it's only 2:30.

What? Are you kidding?

This has been the longest day
of my life! Damn it!

Hey, why don't we
just close early?

Good night.

0h, great. We lost Linda.

-Well, as long as she's gone...
-Nah-uh-uh-uh.

Forget about it.
I'll get her back.

Besides, you have
a full schedule

for the rest of the day.

Your cigarette
will just have to wait.

Oh, please, my cigarette's
the last thing on my mind.

-Mm-hmm.
-Just give me the chart.

I will go smoke
the next patient.

(chuckles softly)

Dinner and...

(chuckles) dessert.

Ah.

(phone rings)

Hello?

0h, not every night.

No. No, me Hamo no Eduardo.

Me Name Juan.

Si. Eduardo no vive aqui.
No aqui.

Yes, yes,
I'll talk to you mafiana.

Oh, no.

Oh, look at that, will you?

500 billion Chinese,
you'd think one of them

could invent
a leak-proof container.

Oh, God, no.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Shoot, shoot!

I got you, I got you.

Huh. There you go.

Plum sauce.

Well, I might as well start
with dessert.

Ah.

Yo tengo fuego.

(chuckling):
Oh, yeah.

Ah...

(blows)

(Qué es la problema?

Ooh! Geez! Oh! God! Ah!

Oh, no. Oh, my cigarette.

Where...

I see you! I see you! Yeah.
Don't move, don't move.

Ooh!

Oh, for crying...

Ah, there you are.

WOMAN (moaning):
Oh, oh! Oh, yes! Yes!

(moaning):
Oh, oh... yes!

Oh'.!

Yes! Oh!

Oh... oh!

Yes!

-0h, no, no, no! Oh, oh!
-(cat yowls)

Oh, for crying... 0h...

(woman screams)

0h, relax. I'm a doctor.

There's nothing I haven't...

Whoa.

-Uh...
-(knocks)

Say, uh, any chance
you folks are gonna...

have a cigarette afterwards?

(muttering):
All right.

Ah...

What the hell.

Lasted this long.

-Hey, John.
-Hi.

Want a cup of coffee?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

So, uh... what's new?

-Not much. You?
-Usual.

Those cigarettes yours?

Yeah.

Well, they were.

You quit?

Maybe.

Want a piece of gum?

Yeah, that'd be nice.
(clears throat)

There's more in the register
if you need it.

Thank you.