Becker (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 14 - The Pain in the Neck - full transcript

II

You know, Linda, I may not be on
the cutting edge of fashion...

Oh, I'm so glad
you admitted that.

I could totally help you.

Thank you.

Uh, but what I meant is, why are
you wearing four watches?

0h, they help me keep
my story straight

with my boyfriend, Kevin.

See, this one's on LA. time,

'cause that's where
he thinks I live.

New York time,
'cause that's where he lives.



Paris time,
'cause that's where I am today.

And this one's...
well, this one's broken.

I just wear it 'cause it's cute.

Well, I'm used to being
in the dark.

How's everybody else doing?

Wait a minute.
Maybe I can help you.

See, Linda met this guy Kevin
here in New York.

But, in order to make things
more exciting,

she told him
that she was from California.

So now they have
a long-distance relationship

even though they both live
in the same city.

But why don't they...?

Just because I can say it,
doesn't mean I understand it.

So, uh...



where does Paris come in?

Oh, I'm a commodities broker,

and my company sent me there
for a conference.

-She's a...
-Nah-ah, uh-uh-uh.

0h, all right.

So how's the weather there?

A little chilly
this time of year.

No, I meant in the fantasy land
you're living in.

I mean, why would you pretend
to be living

apart from someone
you want to be with?

Because it's romantic.

Every time I fly in,
Kevin picks me up in a limousine

and takes me to a hotel
for a few days

of champagne, room service
and hotel sex.

I love room service.

You know,
and the other stuff, too.

All right, well, if being apart
from this guy is so hot,

why don't you just
break up with him?

0h, we're not that serious yet.

Jake, you of all people
should understand romance.

You met a woman and married her
three hours later.

No, no, that wasn't romance.

That was a lucky man
who met an easy woman.

Well, I think it's brilliant.

Haven't you been through that,
where the more you see someone,

the less you want to?

Hey, everybody.

Case in point.

0h, isn't this nice.

Yeah, a weekday morning,
my entire staff is here,

enjoying a relaxing brunch.

It was relaxing
until a second ago.

Linda, let's go.

I tell you,
my neck is killing me.

I must have slept funny.

Oh, so that's when you're funny.

You should see the chiropractor
I made up in LA.

Dr. Tom. He's the best.
All the stars go to him.

Why don't you give him a call,
see if he's hiring.

Coffees all around.

Wait a minute,
you two are leaving, right?

-Yes.
-0kay, coffees all around.

Whoa, big spender.

Look at that,
three whole coffees.

What happened? Did your last
baby tooth fall out?

No, not yet, but anyway,
check this out.

This guy in New Jersey found out
his great-grandfather

was an Iroquois Indian.

Now he's getting a huge
reparation check

from the government.

What's that got to do with you?

I'm one-sixty-fourth Cherokee.

You sure you're big enough
to have 64 parts?

Hey, don't mock.
My great-great-grandmother

married a member
of the Cherokee tribe.

He was a famous warrior.

I even have the bullet
he took in the buttocks.

It's been passed down
in my family for generations.

Wait, he got shot in the ass?

That means he was running away
from the battle.

To warn people how dangerous
it was on the front lines.

Anyway, all I have to do
is apply for tribal membership,

and then I can cash in.

Oh, please, it's just
a scam to get out of work.

Scam? Another false accusation.

This is just the kind
of treatment

we Indians have been
subjected to for centuries.

Don't your people prefer
to be called Native Americans?

Yes, I apologize
for being insensitive...

to myself.

Hey, Chief Running Tab.

Uh, aren't you going to cover
the round of coffees here

that you bought for everyone?

You already took our land,
pride and heritage.

You can't buy me
a cup of coffee?

(phone ringing)

Hey, Kevin.

I can't wait to see you, either.

Well, my plane's just about
to take off, so...

Fogged in?

He called the airline
and found out

Paris is fogged in.

Wow, it is fogged in.

No wonder I can't see
my croissant.

0h, here we go.
Back to the gate.

I'll get back to New York
as soon as I can.

Can't wait.

Damn weather's screwing up
my system.

I wonder how long it's gonna
take for this fog to lift.

I've been waiting
since the day I met you.

Hey, Margaret, listen to this:

I'm walking down the street,
and some busybody comes to me

and says, you know, "Smile."

So I tell her to shut up
and get a nose job.

Which, ironically,
did make me smile.

John, Mr. Stoler's waiting
for you in your office.

Stoler's here?

Where the hell has he been
all this time?

I don't know.

He had his kidney stones out
over six months ago.

He was supposed to come in
for a checkup.

-Why didn't he come in?
-I don't know.

Well, we've been calling him.
Why didn't he call us back?

I don't know!

The guy with the answers
is sitting in your office.

What are you asking me for?

I don't know.

-Hey.
-0h, hi, Dr. Becker.

Yeah, where the hell you been?
I've been worried about you.

Thanks, but I feel fine.

Yeah, but you were supposed
to check in with me

a couple months ago.

Uh, I'm sorry about that.

I-I guess I've been
putting this off.

Putting what off?
Sit down.

0h, um, okay...

Look, as you know,
it-it's been a difficult year.

First, my mother passed away,
and then my-my dad, and...

then, of course, I got sick, um,

and I've-I've kind of been
struggling to find something

to make sense of it all.

And I-I finally have.

Oh, good.
Well, I'm happy for you.

It's um... Christian Science.

Yeah...?

I'm not going to be
your patient anymore.

Yeah, yeah, look, you can do
anything you want.

Just keep taking the medication
I prescribed.

You are doing that, aren't you?

No. Look, don't you understand?

I'm putting my faith
in God to heal me.

Yeah, look, look,
this is not something

you can fool around with,
Mr. Stoler.

You know, if you don't take
those pills,

your kidneys could fail,

you could be on dialysis
for the rest of your life.

Which, trust me, is not
as much fun as it sounds.

All I know is, I found
all the answers I need

in Christian Science.

No, I found all the answers
you need

at Harvard Medical School.

What the hell happened?

You know, I-I always thought
you were a bright guy.

Well, I did go to Yale.

Still, you should know better.

I knew you were going
to react this way.

This is why I didn't want
to come in here.

Well, if you're going to behave
like an idiot,

what the hell do you expect...?

Actually, you know what?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

There's no need for me
to get upset like this.

There's an easy way
to solve this.

I'll just take some blood,
I'll run some tests,

and when you see how high
your uric acid levels are,

you will thank God
that he sent you to me.

That won't be necessary.

What's the matter?

Afraid of what we're going
to find out?

No, I think
it's a waste of time.

I've never felt better.

I think that what
I'm doing is working.

Wouldn't you want to be sure?

(laughs)

Okay, okay.

Take my blood, take my blood.

But I'm only doing it for you.

My cup runneth over.

Ow! Damn!

Uh, right in here.

Linda will be right there.
(clears throat)

Are you all right?

No. I just slept
on my neck wrong.

It's killing me.

If you like, I'll pray for you.

0h, goodie.

Guess who just discovered
the Lord as his savior.

Well, I'm gonna rule you out.

Yeah, Mr. Stoler.

You know, suddenly
he's a Christian Scientist

and he doesn't need
medical treatment.

You know whose fault it is,
is the damn drug companies.

Charge so much for the pills

that people take the cheap
way out and turn to God.

Oh, please, John.

Are you so closed off
that you can't understand

someone searching
for spiritual answers?

I'm not closed off.

I just don't want to hear
about it.

Well, miracles do happen.

There have been cases
where someone was just...

0h, fine, fine, Margaret.
Let's just throw medicine out.

You know, bring on the
tea leaves and the magic beans.

I mean, hell.

You know, my grandmother
used to swear

you could cure a sore throat

by tying a red scarf
around your neck.

Why red?

Maybe it went with her bag!
I don't know.

What difference does it make?

It's just as crazy
as what Stoler's doing.

I tell you,
my neck is killing me.

Why don't you take something?

Oh, no, no, no. Absolutely not.

No, no. Mr. Stoler is going
to heal my neck

through the power of prayer.

Well, if I was going
to ask God for help,

I certainly wouldn't be
dragging your name into it.

0h, shut up.

(groans)

-Neck still bothering you?
-Yeah.

You know, I read this article
about reflexology,

and I think it might help you.

It was in this week's People.

0h, right, right, People.

You know,
that was the first thing

they made us read at med school.

You know? They start off

with what to put
in your waiting room,

and then they'd work backwards

until you got
to actual medicine.

Fine. Be in pain.

It's more fun
for the rest of us.

Good news! I got my application
into the tribe.

When my story checks out--

well, let's just say my days
of working as a super are over.

So, you're gonna stop hiding

from your tenants
in the basement

or ducking into stairwells

when one of us walks
down the hallway?

Trust me. That's more stressful
than the work.

Coffee to go, please.

You know, Bob, you still owe me

for that round
of coffees yesterday.

And you owe me for the
slaughtering of our people

and the theft of our land.

I was out of town
that weekend.

That's still three bucks
for the coffee.

Oh, yeah, good.

Linda, do you know if the, uh,
test results

on Mr. Stoler came in yet?

Okay, I'm kind of
on a break right now.

Yeah, well, I was thinking
maybe you were working

when the results did come in.

If I was working
when they came in,

wouldn't I have been too busy
to notice?

You know, when I'm losing
a battle of wits to you,

it's time to go.

I'll see you guys later.

I'm gonna go to a...
some hospital

in Long Island City
to check on a patient.

I have no idea where it is.

I'll go with you.

My people make excellent guides.

So, tell me everything.

Did you meet Kevin
at the airport?

Was it really romantic?

Don't I wish.

Paris is fogged in,
and I'm stuck there.

At this rate,
I'll never get to see him.

You know, there's this new thing

that could get you
to New York in minutes.

-Really? What?
-The truth.

Hop in a cab,
drive the three miles

to Kevin's place,
and tell him that you live here.

Are you out of your mind?

I love Kevin way too much
to tell him the truth.

Linda, you're not stuck.

I can get you
to New York by tonight.

You just fly out of a city
that's not fogged in.

You get to the Paris
train station,

hop on the Eurostar to London,
grab a bus to Heathrow,

and catch British Air
flight 177 to JFK.

Wow. That sounds great.

So, will you be
needing a rental car

when you arrive
at your destination?

0h. (chuckles) I used to be
a travel agent.

Hear that?

Chris can get me
to New York by tonight.

I could get you
to Bellevue in half an hour.

Did they fax over
Mr. Stoler's test results yet?

Not yet.

What the hell is the matter
with those people?

Didn't you tell them
there's a rush on this?

John, do you really think

standing here barking
at me is gonna

make that fax get here
any quicker?

(fax beeping)

0h, shut up.

Now, see, that's what I like
about science.

You can't argue
with cold hard facts.

Right is right.

Well, this is wrong!

It says his uric acid levels
have improved.

You think maybe God had
something to do with that?

Yeah, my money's on slow Lenny
at the lab.

Lenny is not slow.

The man wears a helmet.

He rides a bike to work.

But he doesn't
take the helmet off

once he gets there.

Look, there's no way
Stoler's improving.

I want you to call the lab,

tell 'em I want them
to redo this test.

I want to see some bad results.

You want your patient
to get worse?

It's for his own good.

How can you be so sure

that Mr. Stoler's prayers
aren't working?

Because it's impossible.

Besides, he's praying
for my neck, right?

It's not getting any better.
Watch this.

Ow! Gee.

See, it's killing me.

You know, it's even
getting worse.

You know, take that, Jesus!

What the hell?

All right, this book
makes no sense.

Maybe this will help.

(blows)

Sesame seeds.

Oh, yeah, much better.
Thank you.

Jake, I'm taking
a Wall Street Journal.

I gotta keep up
with the market, you know,

so I'll know where
to invest all that money

I'm going to be getting
from the government.

I'm also taking
a copy of Penthouse,

because, well... you know.

(sniffs)
Hey, what's that smell?

Did you get a new jacket?

Yeah, and it's real leather.

Cowhide is the fabric
of my people.

Chris, do me a favor,

warn me if he comes in
wearing a loin cloth.

So, Linda,

only a few more hours,
and you'll be with Kevin.

Unfortunately, not.

I just found out
Kevin has to fly to Chicago

-on business at 5:00.
-0h...

I'll never make it here in time.

That's what you get for playing
this stupid game with him.

It's true.
The Great Spirit is not pleased.

Well, I'm not going
to let you give up.

There's a daily flight
on the Concorde

that'll get you
to New York in four hours.

Oh, my God, I've always wanted
to fly on the Concorde.

This is a dream come true!

You know, I got some
extra money coming in.

Maybe I'll take that trip.

Bob, that makes
absolutely no sense.

I'm coming in from London.
You're already here.

Dr. Becker, I just want
to let you know

that when I was at
the diner, I was on a break.

But now that I'm here,
I'm 100% back to work.

0h, great. Look,

have they faxed over
Mr. Stoler's lab results?

We have a fax machine?

Get out of here, will you?
Just...

John, Mr. Stoler's here.

And the lab just faxed over
his results.

Oh---...

0h, crap.

I know, I read it.
Mr. Stoler's fine.

"Mr. Stoler's fine."
Just leave me alone, will you?

MARGARET:
You can go right in.

-Hi, Dr. Becker.
-Ah...

How's your neck?

It feels like
God's sitting on it.

Sorry. I'll pray harder.

-Did you get my test results?
-Yeah.

You have no idea how much
this pains me to say this,

but... you're fine.

Your uric acid levels
are normal.

See? I don't need those pills.

Yes, you do. Look,

just because this report says
your condition is improving,

doesn't mean
you're out of the woods.

You know, it could be a fluke,
a change in your diet,

some kind of aberration.

This is no aberration.

This test confirms
everything I believe in.

No, it doesn't confirm anything.

See-- damn it, this is
what pisses me off.

People find religion,

and they think
they have all the answers.

Don't doctors think they have
all the answers?

I do have all the answers.

Look, pray all you want,

just take the medicine.

No. I don't need it.

This is making me insane.

It's like watching you walk
into four lanes of traffic.

And please don't tell me
the Lord is your crossing guard.

I'm not asking you
to believe this.

I'm just asking you
to accept that I do.

-But what if you're wrong?
-What if I'm right?

What if you're wrong?

(sighs)
Dr. Becker...

it's not... it's not just about
getting physically better.

It's-it's...
it's about connecting

with the spirit inside myself
and allowing that to heal me.

But what if you're wrong?

I knew you wouldn't understand.

-Christian Science...
-(stammers)

I don't want to hear that.
Look, I am a doctor.

I only believe in what I can see
in black and white.

Here you go.

(cell phone ringing)

You gonna get that?

I can't. It could be Kevin.

If I answer the phone,

he'll know I'm not really
on the plane.

Besides, at the moment,

I'm watching
the in-flight movie.

Linda, I don't get it.

If it's so hot to be in
a long-distance relationship,

why don't you actually
date someone

who really lives
3,000 miles away?

I don't know,
seems like a lot of work.

Linda, what are you doing here?

The Concorde landed
two hours ago.

No, it didn't.

I'm meeting Kevin at 3:00.
It's only 2:00.

No, no, no, it's not.
It's 5:00.

I think I know what time it is.
I've got four watches.

Oh, my God, I must have looked
at the wrong watch. It's 5:00!

Yes, which means Kevin
just left for Chicago.

Oh! I can't believe
I missed him!

I can't take this pressure.
I give up.

No, no, no,
I am not letting you.

This is the most romantic thing

that's ever happened
around here,

and I didn't help you
travel this far

just to get nowhere.

Actually, you did.

Shh!

I've got it. I've got it.

Just get on a plane
and go to Chicago.

There's a shuttle every hour.

That's crazy.

I can't tell Kevin
I'm in Chicago.

What if he wants me
to come over?

Linda, I mean get on a plane
and go to Chicago for real.

Oh, my God!
I'm going to Chicago!

Hey, it's chilly there.

Make sure you zip up
your straitjacket.

Dr. Becker,
I'm going to Chicago.

I might be a little late
on Monday.

-It's Wednesday.
-I know.

I don't believe
this moronic patient I've got.

You ever had to watch somebody
do something

you know is going to kill them

but they're too stupid
to listen to the facts?

You're kidding, right?

-Hey, Jake.
-Hey, Bob.

Hey, that smell-- is...
is that your old leather jacket?

Yeah, had to bring
the new one back.

Well, what happened
to the reparations?

Not quite the windfall
you were banking on?

Hardly.

I got a letter of apology,
a college scholarship,

and I can stay
on any reservation

without a reservation.

So, you didn't get
any money at all?

Not one red cent!

Again, I apologize

for being insensitive...
to myself.

Well, looks like you're
up a creek without a paddle.

But, hey, you're an Indian.
You'll make do.

Once again, a Native American

gets shot in the ass
by the white man.

You people have no idea

what it's like
to be discriminated against.

Yeah, I'm a blind black man.

I just sail through life.

John, here's Mrs. Luton's X-ray.
You were right--

looks like there's
a hairline fracture in her...

H-Hold it.
I'm calling Stoler's wife.

If I can't reason with him,
maybe I can get through to her.

The man needs help, Margaret.

0h, John.

Mr. Stoler's
already getting help.

You just don't like
the doctor he chose.

Oh, so God's a doctor now?

I mean, is there anything
he can't do?

Well...

Wait, h-h-hold on.
The machine's answering.

I'm going to leave
a scary message.

-0h!
-Yeah, Lis...

Now, what-what are you...
what are you doing?

John, please don't do this.

You're going to make
an ass of yourself.

So what? I do it all the time.

John, you can't deny

that what he's doing
seems to be working.

He's not doing anything.

-Spiritually, he is.
-0h, yeah?

Let me ask you something,
Margaret.

What's the good of being
spiritually whole

if you're physically dead?

John, we don't know
why people get sick,

and we don't always know
why they get better.

I'm just trying to do
everything I can.

You already have.

Uh, by the way, I'm glad to see
that your neck is better.

Well, it's not. Hurts like hell.

Okay, but it just seems to me

that you are moving around
more easily.

Well, I'm not.

All right.

No.