Becker (1998–2004): Season 4, Episode 11 - Another Tricky Day - full transcript

Becker's patients include two young men who want a prescription for medical marijuana and a man who is upset to learn that he isn't dying after all. Jake challenges Bob to a game of scrabble.

Reg, give me
eggs benedict

Extra hollandaise,

Hash browns, wheat toast,

Maybe some fresh fruit
and a nonfat cappuccino.

Powdered or glazed?

Glazed.

That will be $62.50.

Wow, I'm never going to be
able to afford this bagel.

Relax, linda.

$62.50 is what bob owes me.

Oh, that's actually
gotten out of hand.



I guess I'm going to
have to start a new tab.

Well, it's official.

The nuts are out
in full force today.

You're not going to believe
this: 6:00 in the morning,

Somebody knocks on my door.

That's incredible.

There's more, linda.

Oh, good, 'cause that
part was really boring.

Yeah, anyway,

You know, I open the door,

There's a guy asking
to borrow some underwear.

Now, linda.

That's incredible.

Yeah, then on my way to work,



Some guy in a full
new york jets uniform

Stops me and tells me
it's fourth and long,

Asks me if I know
what the play is.

I tell him to run to the
river and then go deep.

Gee, becker, fourth and long,
you got to kick.

Yeah, what was
I thinking, huh?

It's like
I always say...

Well, I don't
always say it,

But I have said it,

So I guess technically,
I sometimes say it,

Which means I say it
pretty often.

Which brings up
an interesting point.

Is it often or of-ten?

Linda, the point.

What's your point?

That mercury
is in retrograde.

That always makes people
act very strangely.

Yeah, right, astrology.

What a load of crap.

You don't think
people's lives

Are affected
by the stars?

Wait, are we talking
about planets or celebrities?

'cause clearly when brad pitt
is in town,

Traffic is tied
up for hours.

I love brad pitt.

Me, too... But in
a totally non-gay way.

Yeah, I gotta admit,

I kind of envy
brad pitt

Because he's not involved
in this conversation.

All I'm saying is that
when the planets align

To make it appear

As though mercury
is moving backwards

Through the solar system,
people get weird.

All right, let's test

This little science of yours,
shall we?

What's... All right, here we go.

Yeah, what's your sign?

Libra, as if it isn't obvious.

Yeah, well, it says, "get out
of here, get to work,

Or I will fire you."

Nothing
about romance?

Just go, will you?

Get out, go on.

I know you're in there,
come on.

You can run,
but you can't hide.

I'm telling you,
dr. Becker,

That woman was definitely
checking you out.

No, she wasn't.

Deny it all you want,

But I'm telling you,
she was looking.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, she had to be
about 80,

But she was definitely
interested.

Oh, yeah, that one.

I know you're in there.

Come on! Get out!

Get out!

You know, margaret,
if you want a towel,

Alls you got to do is
reach up and pull one out.

No, there's something
crawling around

Inside the walls.

You know what?
I'll bet it's a rat.

I know it's a rat.

I'm trying to find it
so I can kill it.

What's the big deal?

You know, he's probably
just another rat

Come here to make it
on the great rat way.

It's such a tough life for them.

So much disappointment.

Oh, my god.

No, no, some make it.

Oh, this
is incredible.

It's from the lab.

They made a mistake with
mr. Garland's test results.

He's fine.

Oh, my god, john

You told the man
he was dying.

Yeah, well, he's not.

Better get him
on the phone.

I can't believe the lab
screwed up like that.

Yeah, well, he's not
the only one that's happened to.

I sent the film from my vacation
to the lab,

And they totally lost it.

Different
lab, linda.

Well, alls I'm saying is,

This guy's got the rest
of his life to look forward to.

I spent a week in bermuda,
and I have no idea what I did.

Hey, jake, where have you been?

Oh, my nana sent me a package,

And it took me an hour to pick
it up at the post office.

Turns out 45 minutes of that

Was me waiting in line
for the ladies' room.

Hey, check it out--
scrabble.

Scrabble? Why didn't she
just send you an archery set?

Now, what's that
supposed to mean?

It means that giving a blind guy
a scrabble set is cruel.

It would be like
buying you a fish tank.

It's a total waste.

I have a fish tank,
and I'll tell you why:

I find the sounds
of the bubbles

To be very relaxing.

Look, jake...

Bob.

No, I'm telling him.

You do not have a fish tank.

What you have is a toilet
that needs to be jiggled.

Reggie?

Once you started
naming the fish,

We just didn't have the heart
to tell you.

Let me see this.

"special edition.

Can be enjoyed by the blind
and sighted alike."

Okay, bob
stands corrected.

Let's play, jake.

So, a blind man playing
scrabble is wrong,

But you beating a blind man
at scrabble,

You have no problem with.

Exactly.

It's okay, reg.
Let the little weasel

Put his money
where his mouth is.

Oh, yeah? 50 bucks.

I'm in.

Ah, wow, look at this.

Each tile
is marked in braille.

Wait a minute.

He can tell what they are?
I'm out.

Aw, damn. I was looking
forward to it.

I haven't played
since I was a little kid.

Really?
Well, why be a bad sport?

I'm back in.

What's the matter, bob?

Afraid you can't beat
a blind man at scrabble?

Do I sense
a little trepidation?

If he can spell that,
I'm out again.

Come on, let's just play.

Okay, fine. Look, reggie,
you want to get in on this?

Give me a chance
to get even on my tab?

In case you two have forgotten,
I have a business to run here.

I can't just drop everything
and play a game.

Rack 'em.

Mrs. Goldman, it's no wonder
your scalp is too dry.

You got to stop
washing your hair.

But the bottle says,
"lather, rinse, repeat."

Yes, I understand that,

But at some point,
you gotta stop.

But the bottle says,
"lather, rinse, re..."

Yeah, give me that.

There.

"lather, rinse,
call dr. Cooper"?

Yes. Yes,
he's an excellent psychiatrist.

Margaret here

Will give you
his number.

You can tiptoe
all you want.

I know you're
in there.

Yeah, maybe the two
of you can carpool.

(singsongy):
Mercury retrograde.

Nah, it has nothing
to do with that.

Suit yourself.

There are two new patients
waiting in your office.

(singsongy):
Stop that.

I can't.

Hi, I'm dr. Becker.

You two fellas didn't
put your names down here.

Actually, we'd like
there to be, uh...

No names involved.

Oh.

All right...

I guess.

I'm matt clark.
This is berwyn.

Dude!

Sit down.

What can I do
for you two fellas?

Well...

We have this
terrible disease,

And the only cure is to
score a prescription

For, uh...

Medical marijuana.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I see.

And wh-what exactly is
the name of this disease?

We don't know.

I mean, we did know,
but... Now we don't.

We may also have
some memory loss.

And we don't know
the name of the disease.

And we may also have
some memory loss.

You know, I think what you two
are referring to

Is-is called glaucoma.

Told you it started
with a "g."

Glaucoma.

Right.

Yeah, I also have glaucoma.

It's so bad,
I can hardly walk.

Nice try, fellas.

Nah, as a matter of fact,
that was really lame.

You know, glaucoma is
a disease of the eyes.

Now get out of my office.
Go on.

But my eyes are so bad,
I can hardly walk.

Get out of my office.

Told you it was
a dumb idea.

If it was so dumb,

Why'd you go
along with it?

Because I'm stoned.

Hey, you know,
instead of drugs,

Why don't you try
getting high on life?

Oh, my god, I'm officially
a hundred years old.

"e... S... T."

"craziest."

Oh, my god.

You got two triple words

And your "z" is on
a double letter.

You know,
you don't have to tell him.

One and three, times...
Eight, nine...

Oh, my god.

You get 275 points!

Oh, is that good?

Yeah, for one word, that's good!

Hey, I'm doing okay.

You know what,
I think he's cheating.

I mean, how do we know

He's not feeling a dictionary
under that table?

If you're that paranoid,
why don't you take a look?

Fine.

What are you doing?

I'm stretching.

Will you relax?

Look at these letters.
Look at them!

"j-a-c-k-a-s-s."

I got nothing.

I want new ones.

You had a word-- "jackass."

Hey, I'm doing the best I can,
moron!

Can you come out here
right away?

Who are you
talking to?

No, I don't care
how much it costs.

Then I don't care
who you're talking to.

John, that was the exterminator.

I want that thing out of here.

Margaret,
it's just a rat.

You know, why do you hate
it so much, anyway?

Because when I was a child,

My father bought me
a little dog, and...

Oh, please, please.

Is this going to be
that urban legend story

Where the dog turns
out to be a rat?

No. This is
my sixth birthday party

Where my dog was eaten
by a rat!

Beats pin the tail
on the donkey, I guess.

Dr. Becker?

Oh, thank god!

Ah, mr. Garland.

I just got your
message. Is it true?

I'm really not dying?

No, no, you're not.

It was... I'm so sorry.

The-the lab made an error,

And your elevated white count
was just a-a viral infection.

I-I can't believe this.

I know.

It's a horrible mistake.

I can only imagine
what you've been through,

But the good news is,
you're fine.

The hell I am!

I've been living
the last two weeks

Like I only got two
weeks left to live.

If I'm not dying,
I'm a dead man!

Mr. Garland,
I understand that you're angry.

No, you don't
understand.

When I left your office
that day, I was devastated.

But then I figured, if I've only
got a short time to live,

Well, I'm going
to go out in style.

So the first thing I did
was quit my job.

Told my boss
to go straight to hell.

What did
I have to lose?

You told me I was dying.

Yeah, I understand that.

But, you know, that's-that's...

That's just a job, you know?

So you burned a bridge.

No, no, I burned his new bmw.

Why would you do that?

Because you told me I was dying!

Couldn't...
Couldn't you pay him back?

Oh, I can't.

I spent all my money
on champagne

Limos and lap dances.

All of it?

I got a lot of lap dances.

So, you know,
so you spent all your money,

And you lost your job.

But see, all those things
are fixable.

No. I haven't finished yet.

After that,
I maxed out my credit cards,

Cursed out my wife

And sent a photocopy of my ass
to the irs.

Mr.... Mr. Garland...

What-what...
What do I do now?!

Look, I'll try
to help you.

I'll call the lab.

You know, they
made a mistake once...

There's a chance that
I might not make it?

I-I promise I will
exhaust every possibility,

But I'm only human, you know?

In the end, you may
have to come to grips

With the fact that
you're going to live.

(sighs)

Oh, come on!

Will you pick a word already!

Jake can't even see, and
he's taking less time than you!

Don't rush me.

We're playing
for big money here.

There.

"cat."

I'm using the "c" at the end
of your word, jake.

Which one?

"xebec."

I still say that's not a word.

Bob, I told you.

It's an antiquated, trimasted
mediterranean sailing vessel.

None of those are words!

Not only
was it a word,

It was 83 points,

As opposed to reggie's "cat,"
which was five.

"cat" is a perfectly good word.

And I'm not saying
that it isn't.

I'm just saying,
with those same letters,

You could have
made better words.

Or if you had another "a,"

You could put it
in front of "combs"

And had "catacombs,"

Which would have
given you 51 points.

I had an "a,"
but I was saving it.

For what? "bat"?

All right, smart-ass,
it's your turn.

Read 'em and weep.

"j-u-g-g-s."

Juggs!

Not a word.

Yes, it is. Jake's newsstand,
magazines, top shelf.

Forget about it, bob.

It's a proper noun.

Besides, we already let you have
melons, boobs and hooters.

Look, I don't know
what you guys want.

These are the letters
I'm getting!

Oh, hi, mr. Pearson.

Hello.

Hey, I see that sore
on your lip finally cleared up.

So what brings
you here today?

If you don't mind,

I'd rather discuss it
with dr. Becker.

It-it... It's a little delicate.

Mr. Pearson,
this is a doctor's office.

There's nothing
you can't tell us.

Yes, there is.

Fine.

The doctor will be with you
in a moment.

Thank you.

May I use
the restroom?

Of course.

Margaret, the
lab call back

With mr. Garland's
new test results?

I called them

Three times, but their
phone's out of order.

Mercury retrograde.

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Pearson ( screaming):
Ow! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, god!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Pearson:
Ow! Ow! Oh, god!

What the hell was that?

Mr. Pearson.

Oh, yeah, right.

I'll be with you

In a minute,
mr. Pearson.

You know, I never
thought I'd say this,

But I'm beginning to think
that linda was right

About all that
astrology crap.

Oh, that's nonsense.

Strange things
don't happen to you

Because of the planets
or numerology

Or any of that junk.

If your faith in the lord
was as strong as mine,

You would know that.

You lead a good life,
you go to heaven.

If you don't,
you suffer the consequences.

Excuse me.

Oh, sweet jesus.

Um, are you a new patient?

Yes, I am.

And your name is...?

I'm known by many names:

Jim... James... Jimbo...

You get him,
I'll get the rat.

"quark"?
Sorry, my friend

But I believe a duck
goes "quack."

Bob, the word is "quark."

It's a term in physics

Referring to one of an
elementary group of particles.

That's it.
You're doing too well.

And you know what else?

I think he can see!

That's right, bob.

Jake's pretended to be blind
all these years

So he could beat you
at scrabble.

It's possible.

Hey, becker.

Don't get excited.

I can't stay.

Apparently,
the stars have aligned

And turned my office
into a madhouse.

I'm just here to grab a smoke.

Scrabble with jake?

Uh, john...
(snickering)

What? You think we're
taking advantage of him?

No, I think he's taking
advantage of you.

He played in
the national championships,

Like, three different times.

Excuse me?

Well, I only won once.

Jake, you hustled us!

Well, now, technically,
it's not hustling

Unless you were dumb enough
to play for money.

(snickering)

I thought it was a sure thing.

He's blind!

I mean, the man's been
throwing fish food in his toilet

For the last five years!

You know what? Here!

Choke on it!

Better pay up, reg.

"xebec," my ass!

All right, reg,
take your cut.

So you were in on this, too?

(both laughing)

(hearty laugh)

So you guys spent the day
hustling bob out of 50 bucks?

Hey, I got him to put
a little money down on his tab.

And I got to humiliate him.

Where's the bad?

Let's get him
again tomorrow.

Yeah.

What else
are we good at?

I'd take the 50 and run.

So did you get
the test results?

Am I dying?

Mr. Garland, sometimes,

You know, no matter
how hard we try...

I'm going to live?

Oh, no. Why me?

I'm sorry, you know, but there's
nothing else we can do.

Oh, come on,
there's got to be something.

You know, look
on the bright side here.

Every day you pick up a paper

And see how scientists
are discovering something new

That can kill you.

That could take years!

Well, now, keep
a good thought.

Geez, who died?

Nobody.

Any more patients?

No, that's it.

Oh, thank god. I've had
enough nuts for one day.

And why do you think
that is, dr. Becker?

Hey, come on, don't
start with me.

You know, I was going to go
along with that astrology crap,

But then I looked it up.

Mercury doesn't go
into retrograde

For another three months.

Wow, that must mean

All the weird stuff
that happened here today

Was nothing but a bunch
of unrelated coincidences.

Yeah.
You got a better explanation?

Well, if you add up the month,
the day and the year

That adds up to 26.

You add the two and the six,
that's eight.

Divide that by four, that's two,

Which is the number of people
here in this room.

Coincidence?

I don't think so.

Oh, margaret,
will you let go

Of that rat thing?

I can't, john.

He's up there.

I know he is.

All right, get down,
get down. Come on.

If it will
make you feel better,

I'll go take a look.
All right.

You see anything?

(rat squeaking)

John:
Oh, sweet jesus.