Becker (1998–2004): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Ghost of Christmas Presents - full transcript

Merry christmas, everybody!

Isn't it a wonderful
time of year?

Is it me, or is
the whole city just twinkling?

Okay, there's
my christmas cheer.

Divide it amongst yourselves.

Can I have some coffee,
please?

Coming right up.

Just made a
fresh pot.

Ooh! Fresh coffee.

Who had December in the pool?

Well, I can't
wait for christmas.



I'm going to go
out shopping

And then curl up in
front of a roaring fire

With this great new guy.

What guy?

I don't know.

That's what
I'm shopping for.

I'm with john.

I'm dreading
christmas this year.

Amanda and I
are spending

The holiday
with my nana

Who affectionately
refers to amanda

As "that little whore."

No, I can beat that.

Louis is cooking christmas
dinner again this year.



That sounds nice.

Mmm-hmm.

Last year,
the turkey exploded.

Oh, you know that little
bag of giblets?

Shot out of the kitchen,
ricocheted off the credenza

And knocked out the cat.

Well, that's a walk in the park

Compared to spending christmas

With my mom at the home.

Believe me,
when death takes a holiday

That's where he goes.

Well, maybe you'd all

Feel differently about christmas

If you'd stop whining
about your own lives

And tried to help
someone less fortunate.

Reg, look around you.

By the time you
find someone

Less fortunate,
it'll be easter.

I'm talking about these
"dear santa" letters

From underprivileged kids.

The post office gives them out

So that people
can grant them their wishes.

Oh, why do that?

You know, you're just giving
the kids false hopes.

20 years from now,
they're going to be bitter

Because some do-gooder didn't
fix the rest of their lives.

Is that what happened
to dr. Becker?

It would explain a lot.

You know what, reg,
I'll take one.

Me, too.
I'll have one.

Yeah, give
me one.

Thanks.

John.

I was going to take it.

Oh, my kid wants
a robot.

And my little girl
wants a doll.

This kid just wants a card.

Let me see that.

Aw, fine, fine-- I'll get him
the damn cd player he wants.

What I ought to do
is give him something

To prepare him
for the future--

You know, an apron,
a hairnet and a spatula.

Hey.

Oh. I'm sorry,
reggie, I for...

Yeah, sorry.

(telephone ringing)

Doctor's office.

Hi, daddy.

Oh, you're coming for christmas?

That's great.

I want to make...

What?

Oh, why do you have to bring
your slutty new girlfriend?

And doesn't she mind
when you call her that?

All right, all right,
I'll see you on christmas.

I don't want
to alarm anybody

But there's a naked guy

Standing out there wearing
nothing but a santa hat.

Count your blessings.

He used to be standing in here.

So, you took
a nice, long lunch.

Did you at least
buy a gift for your kid?

Huh? Oh, right, right,
the poor kid.

Uh... No, I'm going to wait
till the last minute, you know

When all the stores
have their sales.

What's up here?

Okay, a little girl ate
a whole gingerbread house,

A lady slipped
on a broken ornament

And some guy threw out his back
hauling fruitcakes.

Ooh, boy.

You know, I'd hate to be a
delivery guy this time of year.

Actually, he's an ambulance
driver from bellevue.

All right,
what can I do

For you, mr. Ellison?

Doc, I need something
for... Gas.

Uh-huh.

Well...

Shoot, uh...

I'm going to have to
examine you, 'cause, uh...

Gas can be a symptom of
something more serious.

Oh, it's serious,
all right, but it's not me.

See, it's my boss.

We're too halves
of a reindeer.

(chuckles)

You're the wrong half?

(laughing)

Why are you laughing?
It's not funny.

I need something that I can drop
in my boss's eggnog

Or I'm going to die.

No, now, you can't just slip him
something like that.

You're gonna have to either
tell him or live with it.

As I may have mentioned,
I'm going to die.

Well, I'm sorry. But, hey--

Look on the bright side here.

A couple hours with your nose
in your boss's butt

You might get
a promotion.

Yeah, real funny, doc.

Real damn funny.

(laughing)

You know, reg,
that was a great idea

Answering those kids' letters.

Oh, what did you get?

I don't know.

The department store
was so crowded,

I just grabbed whatever I could
and got the hell out of there.

What did I get?

A game boy and a strainer.

Oh.

Merry christmas.

Thank you.

I got my kid a robot.

It walks, it talks
and it picks stuff up

Which is already
one more thing than louis does.

I not only got my kid
the barbie doll

But I got her
a whole wardrobe

The beach house,
the pink corvette--

That little plastic bimbo's
living better than I am.

Hey, you guys.

So, john, did you
buy your gift yet?

Yeah, for your
information,

I got it, like,
three days ago.

Oh, really.

What did you get?

Yeah, I've been
really busy, margaret.

I can't believe
you took that letter

And you're not going
to send that kid anything.

That kid's going to wake
up christmas morning

Thinking that christmas
is a giant sham.

It is a sham.

So, when you think about it,

I just gave that kid
the gift of truth

Which is, you know,
way too big to wrap.

Oh, save it, john.

I already bought him
a cd player.

It's wrapped and on your desk.

All you have to do
is address it and mail it.

Wow. Boy, it really does feel
good to give, doesn't it?

I don't believe this.

Now my mother's
coming for christmas

And she's bringing
her boyfriend.

I don't know why she's
bringing him to my house.

It's not like I
have a pool to clean.

Yeah, da... David
just has a cold.

A few days in bed,
he'll be fine.

Bye-bye.

Oh, I tell you, we need more
patients like that at christmas.

Calm, not going crazy.

Just taking the
holiday in stride.

You mean kids?

No, jews.

Hey, you know what?

If this is it,
why don't you

Take the rest
of the day off?

A whole hour early? With pay?

Ah...

Well, hey, you know,
what the hell? Yeah.

Merry christmas,
margaret.

Merry christmas, john.

Hey, did I
hear something

About people
leaving early?

Oh, yeah, go ahead.
Take off, linda.

Oh, do me a favor,
though, will you?

If you're going by
a post office,

Mail this for me.

Here's the address.

It's too late
to mail anything.

The post office
is closed.

Oh. Well, I tried.

If you really want
that little boy to get his gift

You could drive it
out to his house.

Are you nuts?

He lives out in queens.

That's not just time,
that's tolls.

You know,
dr. Becker

By taking that letter

You made a promise
to that child

And you should keep it.

It's the right thing to do.

Why do I have
to go out to queens?

This is the bronx.

I could throw this out a window
and hit a poor kid.

(horns beeping, honking)

"right thing to do," my ass.

Excuse me!

Go away!

I need a ride into queens.

You going over the bridge?

Does it look like
I'm going anywhere?

If you had
another passenger,

You could use
the carpool lane.

Well, it is cold out there.

Hey.

Thanks.

My car broke down.

I've been out there

Freezing for an hour.

You're the first person to even
talk to me, let alone help me.

I gotta tell you,

When a stranger
goes out of his way for...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

("jingle bells" playing)

Ah, I love this one.

(humming along)

So where is this
carpool lane?

Actually, you're
already in it.

I just thought I'd
help you avoid a ticket.

(humming "jingle bells")

Ma?

Ma...

G-47!

Bingo!

I'm sorry, ma,
did I wake you?

Bobby...

Come over here.

That wasn't nice.

Now give me a kiss.

What the hell
are you doing here?

It's christmas, ma, and don't
pretend like you don't know.

A cigarette?
Are you crazy?

You can't smoke in here.

That's an oxygen tank.

Relax, it's not lit.

But if they ever tell me
I have five minutes to live,

I don't want to waste it
looking for a cigarette.

All right,
all right, fine.

So...?

Where is it?
Where's my gift?

I didn't have time
to shop this year.

What?!

Relax, I'm yanking your chain.

Here--
merry christmas, doll.

Oh, man, it's a police car!

Well, I know you love cars.

And it's got a remote control!

And I know you hate moving.

Ma, these are
really expensive.

You shouldn't have.

Ah, forget it.
It fell off a truck.

Enjoy.

Thanks, ma.

You bet.

Okay, now you have
to open yours.

Fancy bag. Ooh!

It's perfume.

The saleswoman
at the store said

It gets rid of that
old lady smell.

Oh... Bobby...

Come over here.

That wasn't nice.

Now give me a kiss.

Can I try it?

Well, I can't return it.

This is so cool.

Code blue! Code blue!

(siren wailing)

Sorry about that, guys.

Oh, look at that,
it's starting to snow...

And on christmas eve.

How's that for a miracle?

Those are ashes
from the car fire up ahead.

Still, it's a beautiful night.

So quiet, so peaceful.

(honking horn)
hey, move it,
you jackass!

I guess it's hard
to be patient.

We've all got someplace to be.

I mean, I'm supposed to meet up

With a couple
of old college buddies

But I guess we'll all just
get there when we get there.

The important thing
is to be grateful

For all the goodness in...

Aw, you know, that's it.
That's it.

You know, I'm going to go see
what the hell's taking so long.

You mind if I listen
to christmas music
while you're gone?

Actually,
that'd be the best time

To listen to christmas music.

Oh, bobby...

Mmm! This is delicious.

It's canned turkey, ma.
Just like you used to make.

Okay, ma, it's
officially
after dinner.

Now, you know
what that means.

What does that mean?

("it came upon
a midnight clear" playing)

May I?
May you what?

Come on, ma, don't pretend
like you don't know.

We have to dance.
It's our christmas tradition.

All right, all right.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Aw, honey...

Bobby, this is so nice.

Yeah, it is, ma.

Yeah.

Shall we dip?

Yeah, why not?

Just a second.

You ready?
Go for it.

You know, honey, this
really tired me out.

I got to rest up
for my date.

Really? You got a date?
With who?

Mr. Bellows across the hall.

We're going to watch

Midnight mass
from st. Peter's.

Directly across the hall?

Yeah.

I get the feeling

He'll be getting to
st. Peter's a little early.

Fine, he can wait
for me for a change.

Bobby...

Thanks for coming over.

Oh, ma...

You know, ma...

I just want to tell you

I'm really gonna turn
things around this year.

I can just feel it.

Oh, honey, I'm proud of
you just the way you are.

Thanks, ma.

Now who's my best
little boy?

Me.

Who's me?

Bobby.

And what is bobby?

I'm your best little boy.

I love you, ma.

I love you, too, baby.

Merry christmas, bobby.

Merry christmas, ma.

Well, they finally
got the burning car

Hooked up to the tow truck.

Now the tow truck's on fire.

Oh, that's... That's great.

The guy takes off and leaves
a classic car just sitting here.

Where's my gift?

Son of a bitch ripped me off.

I can't believe that!

(horn honks)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, all right.

(thud)

Aw, come on, lady, put your
finger away-- it's christmas!

Hi, guys.
How were your holidays?

An old black lady,
an asian girl and a blind guy

Got into a bar fight.

And, no, I'm not
telling you a joke,

I'm describing
christmas morning.

Mine wasn't much better.

I spent christmas with
my cousin audrey and her son.

Cute kid, but he's got, like,
17 different personalities.

Oh... That's weird.

Well, on the plus side, one of
them is a 38-year-old lawyer

And he said he'd call.

He won't.

So, bob, how was your
christmas at the home?

Horrible.

Old people complaining,
lousy food.

My mom thinks I'm, like,
ten years old.

She got me
a remote control car.

What, like a
little race car?

No, this was, like,
a really cool police cruiser

With lights and a siren...

It was pathetic.

You're awfully
quiet, becker.

But if that's
my christmas present, thank you.

It's what I've always wanted.

I may have...

I may have witnessed
a miracle.

What are you talking about?

Well, something weird happened
to me on christmas eve

And I have no other
explanation for it.

I was on my way to give
that kid his gift, right?

And I got stuck in traffic
and this guy came up to the car.

He asked me for a ride.
I said, "okay."

Oh, my god.

You helped someone?

That's not the story.

Hello, everyone.

Hey.
Hey.

Just tea, please, reg.

Coffee for me,
please.

In a minute, guys.

Go ahead, becker.

Well, it turns out

The guy I picked up

Stole everything out of my car,

Including that kid's gift.

But now,
the weird thing is

When I got to work this morning

I had this thank-you note
from the kid's mom.

You know, there's no way that
gift could've gotten there.

It didn't have an address on it.

Then how'd he get it?

I think that's the point
of my story, jake.

And there was no
return address, either.

So how did she know where
to send the thank-you card?

So, this guy you
picked up, who was he?

I don't know, he was just
a... A stranger, you know?

Came out of nowhere and then
disappeared into nowhere.

And he was creepy, you know?

All... Happy.

Do you have any idea
where he went?

No, no.

He said he was going
to go to queens

To see two of his friends
from college.

Three college guys, huh?

Sort of like
the three wise men.

Was there a star
burning in the east?

No.

But there was
a buick on fire.

And in the
eastbound lane.

Look, how long were you
stuck out there?

I don't know, they
didn't clear it up
until after midnight.

It came upon
a midnight clear.

Wow, maybe you're right.

Maybe it was a miracle.

No, no, no, there's got
to be another word for it.

I mean, just hearing you
say it, it sounds so crazy.

I can't believe
I said it.

Damn it, damn it.

Something was going on
out there.

I mean, who was that guy?

Maybe he was an angel.

Or the spirit of christmas.

I don't know; I don't know.

But if what happened
really was a m... A m...

What she said...

Then, you know,

It calls into question
everything I've ever believed in

Or not believed in.

Maybe it was a sign.

Maybe I need to start
being different.

You know, better.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, listen, if I forgot to
say this a couple of days ago--

Merry christmas.

Hey, merry christmas, buddy.
Hey, jake,

Merry christmas,
buddy.

Oh, stop it!

What?

As tempting as it is to have you
walk out of here a believer,

This is not the way
it's supposed to happen.

I mailed the gift.

Excuse me?

I knew you wouldn't mail it
on time, so I did it for you.

But you left it on my desk.

I left a gift for you
on your desk.

For me?

What was it?

Did you open it?

No.

Then it was a very
expensive watch.

So, wait a minute,
all that really happened here

Was I did a good deed
for some guy on christmas eve

And he turned around
and robbed me!

Oh, I know, it's terrible, john.

No, no, it's wonderful.

I always thought christmas
sucked-- now I have proof!

Yeah!

Hey, yeah, move it,
tiny tim!

I don't have all day,
you know?

You had to tell him.