Becker (1998–2004): Season 3, Episode 7 - Beckerethics - full transcript

I swear, the whole world's
got its hand out.

If it's not the bum on the corner
or it's some kid selling cookies,

it's Jimmy Carter looking
to raise money for a tool belt.

Where is everybody?

Margaret.

Oh, oh, there you are.

You know, I swear,
the whole world's got its...

I heard you.

Now, sit down.

I cleared the schedule
for our staff meeting.

- Oh, no, no...
- And don't tell me it's a surprise,



because I told you about it
on Friday.

I would've remembered that.
I hate staff meetings.

I'm absolutely positive you never said
a single thing about a staff meeting.

I brought snacks
for the staff meeting.

I went to the Krispy Kreme
out in Queens.

Queens?
They have stores everywhere.

Yeah, but I woke up in Queens.

- Try one, they're incredible.
- Now, I'd like to start off with...

I can't believe
you fall for all that marketing hype.

You know, a doughnut's a doughnut.

As I was saying, I would like...

Oh, my God, these are incredible.
They're like cake.

Could we please start the meeting?

Not so much cake.
They're more fluffy, like a croissant.



Mm, I think they're much fluffier
than that.

When was a little girl,
I had a dog named Fluffy.

What does that have to do
with anything?

I had him neutered
because he kept interrupting me.

Okay, if we look at last month's
invoices, we will see...

Uh-uh-uh, hmm. Let it ring.

What if it's a medical emergency?

The stupid machine will get it.

My name is Linda.

No, I didn't mean you.

The service will get the call.

Now, if we look at last month's
invoices, we'll see...

You know, it seems as if the service
is not picking up the phone.

All right.
Linda, answer the damn phone.

Oh, there's been some
annoying woman from Harvard

leaving me messages all weekend.

- If it's her, I'm not here.
- Got it.

Doctor's office.

Yeah, he's right here.

Mm. It's the Daily News.

They wanna know
if you're interested in home delivery.

You know what?
I better take that in the office.

You know, this, uh...
This might take a while.

Jake, listen to this.
"My boyfriend calls me Muffin.

It was cute until I found out
he used the same nickname

for his last girlfriend.

Suddenly I don't feel so special."

What do you think?

I think you should tell him
how you feel, Bob.

- It's not me, it's the newspaper.
- Oh.

The advice columns.
God, I hate them.

- They never publish your letters?
- Hey, that's beside the point.

Aw, Muffin's right.
Those columns are lame.

Although there is a good reason to use
the same nickname for every woman.

Exactly. So you don't call out
the wrong name at the wrong time.

Now, me,
I use the all-purpose baby.

Like, "Oh, baby"
or "Sure, I'll call you, baby"

and "Hey, you can't prove
that's my baby."

The letters people write aren't half as
stupid as the answers they get back.

Like, look at this.

"Dear Muffin,
it doesn't matter what he calls you,

as long as he calls you."

What kind of message is that
for single women?

It doesn't matter what he says,
just be happy you have a man?

Wouldn't you be?

I wasn't talking about me.

Boy, there's a change of pace for you.

- Ahem.
- Hello?

Yes, I'm sorry to say, he's right here.

Becker, it's for you.

- It's some woman from Harvard.
- Oh.

How the hell did she find me here?

You don't have to be from Harvard
to find you here.

Hey, you know, stop harassing me
for a donation.

I don't have any money.

You know, if I did,
I'd use it to repay my student loan.

Which is in no way a promise
to repay my student loan.

It's amazing.

All these years, and you are still
the cheapest man I have ever met.

- Megan?
- John, you haven't changed.

Neither have you.

No, I mean
you really haven't changed.

That's the same corduroy jacket
you had in college.

Oh, if you wait long enough,
everything comes back in style.

Bet you can't live long enough
for the shirt.

John Becker.
- Oh, hey.

Can't believe it.
- Yeah, you too. Sit down.

- Sit down.
- Okay.

- What are you doing here?
- Ha, ha.

Do you realise it's been 30 years?

Well, your name
came across my desk recently,

and, uh, I had to be in New York
anyway, so I thought, what the hell.

Oh, you look fantastic.

Well, thank you.

- You look great too.
- Oh, well.

And sorry about ambushing you
like I did,

but you didn't pick up your phone
all weekend.

Yeah, very cute. Pretending to be one
of those pain-in-the-ass people

from the Alumni Association.

Oh, I wasn't pretending.
That's my job.

Oh, uh, you know, Megan,
this hasn't been a great year for me.

John, relax.

I know we're not getting any money
from you.

In the whole time we went out,

you never even bought me
a slice of pizza.

Well, you know, I was embracing
the women's movement.

- You were embracing your wallet.
- Ha, ha.

Listen, if you have time,
I'd love to catch up.

- Yeah, I'd love that.
- You wanna have lunch?

- Oh, well.
- My treat.

Oh, you know, there's a steak house
if you like steak.

I have steak.

Where did I put that?

I don't know what it looked like,

but it sure sounded like John
and that woman were flirting.

Ah, he's blind yet he sees.

Even more interesting,
she's wearing a wedding ring.

You noticed that?

Yeah, her left hand moved briefly
in front of her breast.

All right, who's next?

No one.
I cancelled the last appointment.

Oh, great, because I'm in a hurry
to get downtown

and have dinner
with an old friend tonight.

Oh, no, uh-uh.
We are having our staff meeting.

Oh, no, uh-uh.

We're not having a staff meeting.
Linda already left.

No, she hasn't.

Hey, who locked the back door?

Margaret, I wanna get out of here.

I have plans tonight
and I need to get home first.

Oh, come on, you'll have plenty of time
to pick out the right brown tie

after the staff meeting.

You mean you have
actual social plans?

Like, with another person?

Who wants to see you?

Yes. For your information,
I'm having dinner with an old friend.

- Okay, let's get started...
- I love to keep up with old friends.

I mean, not actual old people,

but friends I've had
for a really long time.

Although there was this old man
in my building

who bought all these sexy outfits
for his wife and had me model them.

Which was funny
because no one ever saw her.

Linda, obviously
he didn't have a wife.

Well, then who was he taking
the pictures for?

Okay. Okay.

About last month's invoices,
I had them right here.

They were here a minute ago.
I had them in a red folder.

Well...
- No, uh-uh. Don't anybody move.

I'll be right back as soon as I find it.

Uh, Dr. Becker?

Linda, that was very deceitful of you.

Well done.

Do you remember Dennis Jeffers,
captain of the Crew team?

Well, lost his hair, lost his business,
had to move back in with his mother.

Oh, that's great.

I always hated him.

Boy, I love this.
You know the dirt on everyone.

Well, my husband's convinced
that's why I took the job

with the Alumni Association.

- And?
- He's not that far off.

It's, uh, kind of fun.

So, what about you?

I mean, in typical John Becker fashion,
you haven't shared anything.

Well, there's not much to tell.

You know, I'm a doctor, I live alone,
I was married twice, divorced twice.

The next lucky woman in my life
gets half of absolutely nothing.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure. Anything.

Why did you dump me?

- Uh, what?
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

No, we were having fun here.

- I shouldn't have said anything.
- Oh, no. I would love to talk about this

because the way I remember it,
you dumped me.

What are you talking about?

Come on, John, after we graduated,
I never heard from you.

- You promised to write.
- What? I definitely wrote you.

I remember. You were staying at
your parents' cottage in the Hamptons.

Oh, no, I wasn't.

I ended up getting a job in the city,

and I know I never got any mail
from you.

I wrote you, like, 30 letters.

- Thirty?
- All right, five.

Hey, listen, they were great letters.

So you did write me?

I can't believe
no one forwarded your mail.

My dad.

Oh, he never liked you after all
that stuff you said about Nixon.

Well, it turned out I was right, though,
wasn't I?

Well, that explains
why I never heard back from you.

So all these years
you thought I didn't care.

Nixon.

Bastard's dead
and he's still screwing me.

Boy, and I thought not knowing hurt.

- Uh, John, I really have to go.
- Hmm.

I'm sorry. I have an early
alumni breakfast in the morning.

Another example
of our perfect timing.

Yeah.

Hey, Megan,
it was terrific to see you.

- It really was.
- You too, John.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Boy, you, uh, ahem... You must raise
a lot of money this way.

Uh, Reg, I'd like to talk to Jake
in private, please.

It's my place. Why should I leave?

Come on, there are two of us.

Besides, moving Jake's
always such a project.

- Hey.
- Well, it is.

Okay, I'll leave.

Trust me,
your life isn't that interesting.

So you, uh, remember Megan?

The woman who came in here
yesterday?

- Yeah, smelled good, nice voice.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, anyway, we went out
and we had dinner and drinks

and, long story short,
she invited me up to her room.

Okay, so your life is interesting.

Well, what'd you do?

- He didn't go. After all, she's married.
- Will you let me tell it, please?

I didn't go. After all, she's married.

Well, I'm sure it was difficult,
but you did the right thing.

Yeah, right. Look.

Hypothetically, if I happened
to go out with her again, say tonight,

and she happened to invite me up
to her room...

Okay, I see what this is.

You want us to give you the green light
to sleep with a married woman.

No, no. Come on, no, it isn't like that.

I mean, how many times
do you get a chance to go back in life

and live out a moment
that was meant to be?

I mean, damn it, you know,
I'm 50 years old.

It's the half-time of my life.

This is when the entertainment's
supposed to come out.

You can dress it up any way you like,
Becker, but it's still cheating.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, no.
See, let me explain. It's not cheating.

Uh, see, Megan and I were supposed
to get together after college,

but it got all screwed up.

It was this whole big thing.

I mean, we were in love.

You know, there were lost letters,
Nixon was involved.

- Oh, come on.
- Oh, no, not Nixon again.

Becker, we get it.
You wanna go up to her hotel room,

have sex,
and then pretend it never happened.

You make it sound so sleazy, Reg.
I'm just talking about one night.

You're right. You're right.
I can't do it.

But what are you guys saying,
that if I miss an opportunity, that's it?

You know, I just have to live out my life
filled with sorrow and regret?

As opposed to the Mardi Gras
you've been living up till now?

Oh, it doesn't matter what we say,
does it?

You're still thinking about doing it.

I'm always thinking about doing it.

- What are we talking about?
- Sex.

Ha, what do you know?
For once I was right.

I wanna apologise for the delay
in having our staff meeting.

I just need to find my red folder.

Oh, there it is.

Well, that was a silly place to put it.

Linda, I would keep quiet

before I find another silly place
to put it.

Now, I've checked
last month's invoices,

and it appears that Mr. Slovotsky
at the supply warehouse

is cheating us.

Cheating? Why would you say that?
What is that supposed to mean?

Now, I knew you would be upset,
but I checked.

He's definitely double-billing.

Well, then that's stealing.
That's a lot different than cheating.

How?

Well, there has to be a difference

or they wouldn't use
two different words, Margaret.

Makes sense to me.

You have to be very careful,
Margaret.

That's a very serious accusation.

Like in third grade
when Mrs. Soloman accused me

of cheating off Peggy Randall's
test paper,

and I didn't do it.

But, John,
I have all the facts and figures.

You know, even if he did cheat,
maybe he has a very good reason.

- Like?
- Well, like...

Like, you know, maybe he's making up
for something

that happened 30 years ago.

What are you talking about?

All I know,
if this is gonna turn into a witch hunt,

I don't want any part of it.

Ditto.

Well, hell, it's not my money, ha.

Wow. Boy, this is really a nice room.

Any of the money you raise
actually make it to Harvard?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You know what? Uh...

Maybe I should go.

Well, do you really want to?

No, not really.

I can't remember the last time
I was this nervous.

For me, it was on the way up
in the elevator.

You dog.

Is something wrong?

Uh, no, no, I'm sorry.

John,
if you're not gonna listen to me,

why even bother asking
for my advice?

I'm so glad I can't see this.

You sure you're okay?

Yeah, um,
did you happen to see some?

Oh, never mind. I'm sorry.
Forget it. I'm fine. I really am.

Oh, mm, good.

Just give me a second.

- I want everything to be perfect.
- Heh.

No pressure there.

I'll be right back.

Ha, ha. Boy.

Housekeeping.

Oh, Lord.

Uh, actually, you know,
we're fine in here.

Thank you.

Dr. Becker,
I am very disappointed in you.

I must be hallucinating,
because you're working.

Please, go, go, go away.
I don't care what you think.

If you didn't, I wouldn't be here.

You know, I thought
you were an honourable man,

but apparently you're not.

So I would rather change linens,
clean toilets

and go through people's stuff
than work for you.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

So, what do you think?

Oh, actually...

Oh.

What the hell are you doing here?

I have no idea.
It's your subconscious.

You know what they'd say about you
in my psychology class.

You know, I don't care.

Just get the hell out of here,
will you, please?

Amazing.
Even in your own mind, you're rude.

Just hurry up.

You've waited 30 years,
another minute won't kill you.

No... I mean, okay.

See what you made me do?

What's with the dress?

Hey, you put me in it.

Obviously, you see every woman
as a sex object.

Okay, let's go.

And for future reference,
I wear a bra.

You're still here.

Yeah. Hey, ooh.

I was afraid you'd run away.

Oh, no, no, no.

You know what?

Now I need a moment.
Um, I'll be right back.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

What's happening to me?

Oh.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, jeez.

Watch where you stand.

There are broken commandments
all over the place.

Oh, here we go.

I have been preaching to you for years,
but you never listen, so I brought help.

Oh, jeez.

- Who are you?
- Mrs. Soloman.

- Your third grade teacher.
- Who?

Oh, Johnny,
I'm very disappointed in you.

You were a cheater then,
you're a cheater now.

No, no, I am not.

You know, I was not. No, hey, hey.

Oh, jeez. Oh.

Okay, I need a drink.

John, were you talking to someone
in there?

Uh, I was just thinking
of the perfect thing to say.

You look pretty.

Do you want anything here?

Sure.

- Hey, doc, how you doing?
- Oh, God.

John, take whatever you want.

I'll pay for it.

You know, doc,
if you wrote to "Dear Abby,"

she'd tell you to do the right thing.

But Bob's got a better idea.

This Megan is hot.

So before she comes to her senses,
go for it.

That's what Bob would do.

Oh, that's it. No, I can't do this.

- What?
- I mean, I wanna do this.

I really do, but I just can't.

I mean, you're married.

And I'm screwed up.
And, you know, it's just not right.

You know, I was starting
to feel a little guilty myself.

Really?

You wouldn't believe the things
that were going through my head.

Oh, I think I would.

I'm sorry, Megan, but I better leave.

I understand, John.

But it was really wonderful
seeing you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you too.

Yeah, you too.

- Take care of yourself.
- Mm.

Although, you know, if...

Never mind. Never mind.

I'm proud of you.

Oh, shut up.