Becker (1998–2004): Season 3, Episode 4 - What Indifference a Day Makes - full transcript

Morning, morning.

Reg, coffee to go, please.

Bob, you're the superintendent
of my building.

Why are you here sitting
on your ass

when I don't have hot water
in my apartment?

Ah, a riddle.

- Okay, give me a minute.
- A minute?

This is not your girlfriend
you're talking to. This is me.

Here you go.
Eat at Wong's, free egg roll.

Here you go.
Eat at Wong's, free egg roll.

Here you go.
Eat at Wong's, free egg roll.



Hey, you. What the hell
do you think you're doing?

Nothing.

Passing out coupons
from another restaurant, aren't you?

No.

Well, yes.

Get the hell out, you little creep.

Well, that took a lot of nerve.

How would they like it
if I went over to Wong's

and passed out coupons
to eat here?

You're lucky if you can get the people
who eat here to eat here.

- Shut up, Bob.
- Huh, Wong's.

Listen to this,
"Free egg roll with every entr?e."

See, that's not a bad deal.

Because that's the trick, you know.



They keep the prices low,
but the egg roll's where they get you.

As if you'd ever eat Chinese
anyplace but Ming's.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're a creature of habit.

If you ever varied
your precious daily routine,

the Earth would wobble
out of the solar system.

Yeah, why don't you just exaggerate it
about a billion times out of proportion.

You know,
she's not that far off, John.

Every morning you park your car,
order a coffee and then get the paper.

Then you complain about the parking,
insult the coffee

and bitch about the paper.

Then he comes to work

and complains about all the morons
in the diner.

Hey.

Well, I'm with them on that one.

Something to be said for the comfort
of a daily routine.

Every day, Bob himself gets up
at the crack of noon

and brushes his hair
exactly 150 times.

With what,
a piece of buttered toast?

Hey, I was defending you.

I don't need defending, Bob.

I need hot water in my apartment.

And I am not a creature of habit.

You know,
I have merely streamlined my life

down to the things that work for me.

What you call routine,
I call refinement.

Say whatever you want, Becker, but
we know you're not going to Wong's.

Because you are incapable
of change.

Hey, what is this? You daring me?

Is this some kind of challenge?

- Margaret, he might try Wong's.
- No way.

No, you're forgetting

one very important aspect
of his personality:

He's cheap.

Ha-ha-ha, right. The free egg roll.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- Hey, you know what?

Screw all of you people.

I can change any time I want to.

I simply don't want to.

Yeah, and another thing.
I am not cheap.

- You tell them, Becker.
Shut up, Bob.

Hey, look at this.

He left me an extra quarter.

Maybe he is changing.

Say, did, uh...? Did anyone find a?

Oh, yeah, thank you.

Well, Margaret, I guess you
and the morons down at the diner

were way off-base.
I had dinner at Wong's last night.

Oh, yeah, and if the IRS calls,
so did you.

We talked business.

Hmm, business must be pretty bad.

Dinner for two, $7.50.

Yeah, actually, if you'd turn the seven
into a 17, I'd appreciate that.

All in all,
Wong's wasn't really too bad.

You ate at Wong's?

What happened,
did Ming's burn down?

No, Ming's did not burn down.

Wong's was giving away
a free egg roll.

Clever. Because the egg roll
is where they get you.

Yeah, exactly. Thank you.

Mrs. Rigney's in 2.

Oh, I'm so bored.

That's strange, because there's plenty
to do around here.

Like confirming
patients' appointments,

restocking the exam rooms,
re-filing patient charts.

No.

Young and the Restless
is on in 15 minutes.

I'll just tough it out till then.

Well, your thyroid level, blood counts,
liver functions are all normal.

There's nothing here really
to explain your fatigue.

All I know is I'm just not feeling
like myself these days.

Well, your tests are all fine.

Is there anything going on in your life
that could be affecting your mood?

Well, maybe.

But it's sort of embarrassing.

Mrs. Rigney, I'm your doctor.

Anything you say
stays just between us.

My husband I haven't had sex
in months.

The last time we did have sex,

we were just going
through the motions.

- Same position, same...
- Yeah, yeah, I got... I got it.

I'm just worried that, well, I've become
another boring housewife.

Well, now, you know,
all couples go through these times.

I mean, after all, you know,
we all become creatures of habit

in one way or another.

So, what can I do?

Well, why don't you try
something new?

You know, change in any area
of your life can be positive.

For instance, now, last night,
I changed my routine.

I went to a new restaurant,
and I really enjoyed the experience.

Got a free egg roll.

Yeah, so don't be afraid
to experiment.

Shake things up a bit.

You know,
that's always been my philosophy.

Thank you so much.
I feel better just having talked about it.

Well, you're very welcome.

Bye.
Bye-bye.

What?

Experiment? Shake things up?

You ever thought about
naming your personalities?

You ever thought of giving me
more respect around here?

Oh, I've thought about it.

New patient in 1.

Oh, and Jake called.

He said he'll meet you here at 5
to go to the game.

What game?
Oh, shoot, the hockey game.

Don't tell me
you didn't order those tickets.

I reminded you twice last week.

Of course I ordered the tickets,
Margaret.

Give me your credit card. I'll do it.

Thank you, I...

I was going to, I just...

Where's my credit card?
Oh, damn it.

When was the last time I used it?

1981?

Oh, you know, I left it at Wong's.
Oh, damn it.

See, now this is what happens
when you screw with things that work.

Now, this would never have happened
at Ming's. I have a tab at Ming's.

Now I gotta go all the way down
to Wong's

at the busiest part of my day
and get the stupid card back.

Or you could send Linda.

Yeah, unless she happens
to be doing something important and...

Sorry, what was I thinking?

Oh, while you're out,
pick me up an egg-salad sandwich.

What am I, some sort of lackey
who gets stuck doing all the lousy jobs

nobody else wants to do?

Okay, I know the answer to that.

But you don't have to treat me
like an idiot.

Now what is that
you want me to do?

Credit card, Wong's, egg salad, go.

Egg salad.

Okay, uh, Mr. Hatch, I'm Dr. Becker.

Hey, doc.
Want me to take my clothes off?

Because that's no problem.

Uh, why don't we just talk first.

All right, it says that you're here
for stomach distress.

Any, uh, recent changes
in your diet?

No, but, uh, several months ago,
I was out of the country.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I've seen that before. Mexico?

No, I was on this island.
My diet was pretty exotic.

I pretty much existed on stingray,
dog food, beetle larvae.

Ho, ho, ho, stop.
What the hell's wrong with you?

- The other people there ate rats.
- Rats?

Well, why in the world
would anyone do that?

It was for Survivor.

Survivor?

You know, the contest, the show.
It was on television.

Television? Oh, my God.

You know,
what is this world coming to?

You know, people are eating bugs
and rats on a stupid television show?

I swear to God, you know,
TV has become nothing more

than the Petri dish
where this country grows its idiots.

Don't people have better things to do
with their time

than to debase themselves
coast to coast?

Well, I won.

Oh, yeah, won. Yeah, please.

You know,
what could you possibly have won

that would make up
for your loss of self-respect?

A million dollars?

Now, how would I get involved
with something like that?

Is that something you need to?

- Hi, Reg. Lunch to go, please. Ahem.
- Anything in particular?

It doesn't matter. Just put
the brown stuff on the green stuff.

Then put the yellow stuff
on the side there.

Hey, you remember
to get the tickets for tonight?

It's funny you should ask.

I was gonna order the tickets,
but I went to Wong's

and they forgot to give me back
my credit card.

You know, serves me right
for changing my routine.

I knew something like this
was gonna happen.

Obviously, you didn't or you wouldn't
have left your credit card.

Did you or did you not
get the tickets?

Jake, for all intents and purposes,
yes, I almost ordered the tickets.

So how was the food at Wong's?

It's Chinese food.
What's the difference?

If there's no difference, Becker,

why not eat at Wong's
instead of Ming's?

If there's no difference, why not eat
at Ming's instead of Wong's?

- Because there's no difference.
- Which is exactly why I eat at Ming's.

Are we going to the hockey game
or not?

Yes, yes, we're going.

That is, assuming Old Man Wong
and my credit card

aren't halfway to China by now.

On your credit card?
He couldn't get halfway to Chinatown.

Margaret, I'm back. What's up?

My patience with Linda.

Do you know it took her over two hours
to go three blocks to Wong's,

pick up your credit card,
get me an egg-salad sandwich

and get her butt back here?

- Oh, good, you got my credit card.
- Oh!

I am so mad at her
I'm starting to feel sick.

So then did you order
those hockey tickets?

- Ugh, really sick.
- Margaret, suck it up.

Did you or did you not
order the tickets?

Thank you for your compassion.

Your credit card is in the drawer

and you can pick up the tickets
at the box office.

But now you owe me a favour.

Oh, Margaret, I'm really busy.

You are going to have a word
with Linda,

and I mean a harsh word.

Oh, I can do that.

As a matter of fact,
it'd be the highlight of my day.

Uh, Linda, where are you?

In your office, filing.

Oh.

Well, I am.

Yeah, look, Linda...

Dr. Becker has had it
with your cavalier attitude.

It is unprofessional, it's aggravating,
and it is going to stop

or there are going
to be serious consequences.

Yeah, Linda, this whole...

Consequences up to
and including dismissal.

Now, I'm sorry Dr. Becker
has to be so tough on you,

but you screwed up royal today,
and we are sick and tired of it.

Mostly sick.

Well, gee, Dr. Becker,
you could at least let me explain

before you jump all over me.

- Well, Linda, l...
- He's waiting.

Okay, I picked up Margaret's sandwich
like she told me to,

which by the way,
I never got a thank you for.

Then I went to Wong's
to get the credit card.

But while I was there, I noticed
that this guy was staring at me.

Which happens a lot, because
I guess I am reasonably attractive.

And you are wearing
a handkerchief for a shirt.

Anyways, this guy
was really scary and creepy.

And when I left there,
I realised that he was following me.

So I walked all over the city
trying to lose him.

And it's unseasonably hot out there,
in case you haven't noticed.

Then I got on the subway
where there was no air conditioning.

And, finally, I cut through
Bloomingdale's where I lost him.

I really know my way
around that place.

So, Dr. Becker, maybe next time
you'll think twice before you come in

and start barking at me like that.

You carried my egg-salad sandwich
around in this heat for over two hours?

No wonder I'm feeling sick.

Thanks a lot, Linda.

Finally. You're welcome, Margaret.

And I'm not kidding.

Mr. Angelo, use the ointment.

They're parasites. They're not pets.

Where is Margaret?

Okay, I'll tell you, but I don't want you
to go off on me again

like you did in your office.

- Linda.
- She went home.

What? Oh, come on,
she can't do that.

She knows I have to get out early
for the hockey game.

She said she was too sick to work,
the big baby.

So anyways, you're on your own.

No, no, no, you get back here.

I've been here too long already.

What if that scary guy
who was following me comes in?

Oh, he's not gonna show up here.
Trust me, Linda.

Oh, my God, there he is.

That's the big scary guy?

Oh, that's the coupon guy
from Wong's.

Oh, for God's sake, Linda,
don't be ridiculous.

He looks completely harmless.
Oh, jeez.

- Are you following Linda?
- No.

Who is that girl
that just ran down the hall?

- Linda.
- Oh, then yes.

You know, a little tip, kid.

If you walk in a room
and a woman runs out,

maybe she's not interested.

Linda.

What an unusual
and beautiful name.

Are you busy?

Hey, you know what?
You're standing way too close.

Ahem, Dr. Becker,
I've been waiting since 4:30.

Yeah, well, it's only 5.
You're beating the average.

Sign here. Write quickly.

Oh, jeez, you know what?

Rule one, personal space.

This is mine. You're in it.

Get out of it.

Hey, doc, am I gonna have
my next birthday here?

Hey, give me a break, will you?

Margaret's out sick.
I'm doing the best I can.

What can I do to impress Linda?

You know,
just change your approach.

You mean like what, get a Harley?

No, I don't... Yes, get a Harley.

And get one now, will you?

- Are you Dr. Becker?
- Yes, I am, just sign in right here.

I'm not a patient.

My wife is, Carla Rigney.

I understand you told her
to try something new.

- You know, I'm really busy right now...
- She tried my next door neighbour.

I found them in bed together.

Boy, I'm almost positive
I didn't tell her to do that.

Do you believe this guy? He told
my wife to go out and have an affair.

I did not, I did not.
Listen, I know you're upset, but l...

You think I'm upset? Wait till you see
my neighbour's husband.

Husband?

Your wife had an affair
with another woman?

Can you say that any louder?

There's one outside guy
who can't hear you.

- No, I heard him.
Oh.

Is this gonna take much longer?
I gotta get home and start dinner.

Do you mind?
We're talking girl-on-girl action here.

Speaking of mismatched plumbing,

you got the wrong valve
on your heater.

You need a new one.
Give me 20 bucks.

Doesn't the building have money
for that thing?

I used that
to dress up the place a little.

So how do you like my new jacket?

Sure, our sex life wasn't perfect.
But a lesbian?

- What colour Harley?
- Blue.

Yeah, Mr. Garland,
go on back to Room 1, please.

No, 2. No, 1.

Oh, hell, how does Margaret
keep all this straight?

Listen, I've been waiting since 3:30.

You said 4:30.

- Maybe I ought to see another doctor.
- How much longer is this gonna take?

Hey, Becker, you want
your valve fixed or not?

Hey, hey, keep it down.

I can't hear the TV.

Oh, my God, you're still here.

You wanna ride on my Harley?

It's gonna be blue.

Wow. Is that a handkerchief?

Because Bob feels a sneeze
coming on.

Hey, you can't talk to her that way.

She's a woman of great beauty
and grace.

Not to mention the boobage, huh?
Ow, my nose.

Oh, no, you can't hit people.

- Not even Bob.
- Ow.

That was so sweet of you.

- What's your name?
- Pete.

Pete. What an unusual
and beautiful name.

I think he broke my nose.
My beautiful nose.

Oh, so I suppose
you're gonna see him ahead of us?

No, he can walk it off.

Hey, John, ready to go to the game?

- Come on, man.
- Hey, hey, hey, calm down, will you?

Actually, Jake, I can't go with you.

Margaret's not here
and I'm way behind.

- So you'll have to find somebody else.
- Oh, man.

Where am I gonna find anyone
so pitiful

they can just pick up and go
at the last minute?

Thank you for thinking of me, Jake.

Lucky I didn't have plans.

Hey, I took a shot.

- Next.
- Oh, that's you, Jake.

Hi. Uh, there should be two tickets
for John Becker.

Becker, Becker, Becker.

Ah, here they are. I'll just need to see
your credit card, Mr. Becker.

Oh, I'm not John Becker.

I see. Next.

No, he bought them,
he was supposed to come with us,

but he got stuck in the office.

His nurse went home.
He had patients...

Okay, I'm gonna stop you here,

because I don't remember
asking for your life story.

- Next.
- Hey, wait, wait, what do you think?

We picked a name
out of the phone book

and drove down here
on the off chance

that some guy named John Becker
would buy tickets and not show up?

How stupid do you think we are?

I really don't know
how stupid you are.

Perhaps we could discuss
your stupidity another time.

- Next.
- Are there any other tickets available?

Sorry, we're sold out.

- Next.
- Next, next. Is that all you can say?

- Security.
- All right, all right.

All right, all right.

Damn, we came all the way
down here,

and we don't even get to see
the game.

- Yeah.
- Hey, wanna buy some tickets?

- Actually, we do.
- Eighty bucks.

Eighty bucks for hockey tickets?

Hey, am I asking you why a blind guy
is going to a hockey game?

Do you want the tickets or not?

- Jake?
- Yeah, okay.

Great.

Hmm.

Here you go. Well, gotta run.

- Why?
- You'll see.

Are they good seats?

Yeah, they're great seats.

For Rugrats On Ice.

So by the time
I got through with that guy,

he didn't know what hit him.

Yeah, because nothing hit him.

Let me get this straight.

We're talking about that wimpy guy

who was in here
giving out coupons, right?

Wimpy? He had a Harley.

Well, we could have used him
when Jake got us mugged.

We did not get mugged.
We got scammed.

It's not my fault
that John got stuck at the office

because he had no help.

- No help? What am I?
- You're no help.

Oh, yeah? Well, as I recall, Margaret,
you were the one

who had to go home early
just because of little "food poisoning."

Excuse me.

I got food poisoning because
you took my egg-salad sandwich

on a tour of the city.

Yeah, well, if you'd gotten
Dr. Becker's credit card yourself,

none of that would've happened.

I don't remember you coming in here
for a sandwich.

Interesting.

The minute you hear food poisoning,
you automatically assume it's you.

In all fairness, it usually is.

I make great sandwiches.

You know, the next time
I want something done right,

I'm gonna do it myself.

I'm gonna kick his ass.

Hey, hey, hey.

It wasn't a stalker. He wa...

Nothing comes from pointing the finger
at each other.

You're all to blame.

What?

Yeah, let's take a look
at this great big mess, shall we?

Now Reggie and Jake were mugged
because I was stuck at the office

after Margaret got sick from
the sandwich that Linda picked up

before she was stalked by the guy
from Wong's where I had dinner.

Now, why did I have dinner
at Wong's? What...?

Oh, that's right.

Because you all told me
that I should vary my routine.

As a matter of fact,
I think I was sitting...

Well, I was sitting
right here in my usual seat

when Margaret suggested

that the Earth would wobble
out of the solar system

if I were ever to change.

Now, I don't think
that I am the centre of the universe,

but, obviously, I'm the centre of yours
because, well, look what happened.

Look what happened.
Now stick with me here, stick with me.

I think we learned
three very valuable lessons.

One, I was right.

Now, let's just, uh, stop and savour
that moment for a minute, all right?

Okay, that's enough.
All right, two,

no good ever comes from change.
Ever.

Three...

Three, um...

Egg salad doesn't keep in the sun?

Close enough.

All right, what say we get our lives
back to normal, shall we?

I'll start. I'm off to Wong's.

Ming's.

Just checking.