Becker (1998–2004): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Ugly Truth - full transcript

Oh, Reg, I need coffee.
I'm freezing.

Becker, it's that time of year.

Haven't you noticed all the bums
are in their winter boxes?

Not outside.
It's freezing in my apartment.

Ha-ha-ha. Bob
still hasn't fixed your heater?

Oh, I mean, that's terrible.

I spent last night in a parka
and three pairs of pants,

hunched over a space heater.

Hey, Nanook, read your lease,
"No space heaters."

You know, Bob, I swear to God,

as soon as I regain the feeling
in my fingers,



I'm gonna strangle you.

Why don't I have any heat?

Becker, the furnace
is a very complicated apparatus

located in the recesses
of a very dark basement.

Bob had to call a guy.
And?

And as soon as he fixes
the light in the basement,

I'll go have a look.

You telling me you're afraid
of the dark?

I'm not afraid of the dark.

I'm afraid of the evil
it conceals.

One more piece of bad news,
Becker.

You'll have to eat lunch
somewhere else.

Yeah? So where's the bad?

I have to close early



because my Behavioural Psych
class

is doing some field research.

We're actually getting to study
people instead of rats.

You know, I think the two
may be closer than you think.

Hey, Jake.
Hey, Reg, ha.

A coffee and a Danish, please.
Ha, ha.

What's with you, chuckles?

Department of Motor Vehicles

sent me a driver's licence
renewal.

A driver's licence?
Oh, that's just perfect.

You know, me, a sighted person,

has to wait in line five hours
at the stupid DMV.

All you gotta do is sit on
your ass and wait for the mail.

You know, shouldn't there be
some advantage to being normal?

I knew he'd get a kick
out of this. Ha, ha.

What are you gonna do? Gonna
go there, rip them a new one?

No, just gonna write them
a nice, polite letter

telling them they made
a mistake.

No big deal.
Oh, my God.

You don't get it, do you?
Aw.

Jake, you're dealing
with a bureaucracy here.

You're in the big computer now.

No good can come of this.

Oh, come on.
You're overreacting.

Oh, is that right?
Yes.

Let me ask you,

do you remember what it
looked like before a big storm?

You know, the sky was blue,
the sun was shining,

but way off on the horizon,
clouds were forming.

Well, that's what's happening
right now.

A big storm is coming, and you,
my friend, are a trailer park.

You know, that is just like you,
John.

Everything is bad news.
All you see are dark clouds.

That's why you haven't had heat
in you apartment.

I'm sure if you ask Bob
in a polite and civilized way,

he'd have fixed it by now.
Yeah, Becker.

See, let me show you
how it's done.

Now, Bob, I'd consider it
a great personal favour

if you'd help my friend John out
here with his little problem

that he seems to be...

Jake?
Yeah.

He's gone.
Oh, yeah.

And, look,
he took your Danish too.

Linda, I thought
you were gonna make coffee.

The machine's not working.

Oh.

Did you actually think that
you could hide this from me?

You tell me.
I broke it four days ago.

How?
Okay, here's the thing.

I was getting ready for a date

when I realized I needed
a few last-minute touches.

You know, hair dryer, clothes
steamer, charging the stun gun.

Anyway...

You must have overloaded
the outlet.

Didn't you smell
something burning?

I thought
that was just the computer.

Look, you...
You hurt yourself bowling.

I'm not gonna write
"sports injury" in your chart.

Now, let's just say
you... You hurt your foot

doing something stupid.

I need a break, Margaret. I've
had enough idiocy for a while.

Uh-uh. Not so fast.
You've got another patient.

She's been waiting a long time,
an ankle sprain.

Oh, another one?
Oh, come on, Margaret, I got...

Hmm.

All right, all right.

Miss Hamilton?

Oh, I bet that hurts.
What happened? Oh.

I know it's stupid, but
I fell off a pair of high heels.

Oh, hey, that's...
That's not stupid.

Accidents happen. Let's...
Let's fix you up here.

Look, I don't want to wait
three days.

I need an electrician today.

What's wrong?
Linda blew out the plug.

Look, Bob, I am in no mood
to chat. What do you want?

Well, I know Becker wanted me to
fix something in his apartment,

but I can't remember
what it was.

His heat.
Oh, right.

That would mean going
into the basement.

No, that's not gonna happen.

But, you know, uh, Bob
can fix this for you real easy.

You mean
you can actually fix things?

All John does is complain
about how inept you are.

Like my dad always told me,

"Don't do anything well
that you don't wanna do again."

Which explains
why I'm an only child.

Reg, coffee, please.
A couple of eggs.

Hey, has Bob come in yet?

That little worm
still hasn't fixed my heat.

John, remember how I got those
driver's licence renewal forms?

Yeah.
Well, I took care of it.

I wrote them a nice polite
letter, and I can guarantee you,

they won't be sending me
any more of those.

How do you know that?

Because they sent me
a new driver's licence.

Yeah, well, you keep on
laughing, Jake.

This is not gonna go away,
you know.

You're up against forces
way beyond your control.

Didn't we talk about this
last week?

And the clouds
are on their way.

The storm is almost here.

I hope you've got a poncho.

Hey, Becker? Ahem.
Yeah.

Let me ask you something.

Do you treat people differently
because of the way they look?

Me? No, of course not.
Uh-huh.

And do you remember last week

treating two different women
with twisted ankles?

What? Uh...

Oh, as a matter of fact,

I remember an attractive blond
who had trouble with her shoes,

and, uh, some klutz,
might have been a woman.

Why?

Well, Becker,
you were the subject

of an experiment
for my Psychology class,

the purpose of which was
to find out if attractive people

were treated differently
than less attractive people.

You're kidding.

You sent those two women
to my office?

You... ? You set me up?

That's right.

You know, I can't...
I can't believe this.

You know, it doesn't matter. I
treat all my patients the same.

Oh, really?

Well, let's see about that.

You taped me?

That's insane.
People don't do that.

Oh, they do. I did.
Let's listen.

First, you will hear from
the attractive blond.

WOMAN
I know it's stupid,

but I feel off a pair
of high heels.

Oh, hey, that's not stupid
at all. Accidents happen.

That's you, John?
You sound so...

Nice?
Mm-hm.

Yes, he does, doesn't he?

Now let's hear from the...

Oh, how did you put it?

The klutz,
who might have been a woman.

Let's say you hurt your
foot doing something stupid.

All right, now that's you.

Do you know what kind of person
tapes another person?

Nixon!
Aw, man.

Not Nixon.
Yeah, and you know what?

He got his,
and you're gonna get yours too.

And I don't care
how long it takes.

I'm gonna get you back for this.

Oh, fine, Becker, you do that.

Meanwhile,
here's your breakfast.

I'm gonna get you back
for this too.

What are you saying,

that I can't sue somebody
for secretly taping me?

Some lawyer you are,

I don't even know
why I called this radio station.

Are you okay?
Oh, I'm just really pissed off.

So you're okay.
No.

Hey, Linda, come in,
sit down for a second, will you?

The other day
Reggie pulled a stunt on me,

and I wanna get even with her.

And I'm just thinking.
I mean, you're sneaky.

Yeah.

So, uh, how...?
How can I get back at her?

Okay, this is what you do.
Yeah.

Open the hood of her car.

Yeah. Ha, ha.
Find the distributor cap.

Below that
is the master cylinder.

Underneath that
is the brake line.

Cut that.

Next thing you know,
she's doing 70 on the highway

without a care in the world,
and bam!

Uh...

You know, Linda I... You know,
I'm going to, uh... Ahem.

I'm gonna think about that,
you know, tonight

and probably every night
for the rest of my life.

So after a few years,
the marriage went south,

and we got a divorce.

After that, I went to live
with my mom in her rest home.

Screwdriver?

I didn't have my own room,

but beds seem to open up
on a pretty regular basis.

Electrical tape?

I lived with my parents
till I married Louis.

Then we both lived
with my parents.

Nothing kills your sex life
more

than hearing your parents
enjoying theirs.

Wire cutters?

You seem to know
what you're doing.

Ah, it's really not that tough.

Electricity's
just like plumbing,

only without the water.

Hmm. I learned that the hard way.
Ha, ha.

Pliers?

Needle-nose?

Hey, I'm trying to help you
here.

Oh, right, the pointy one.

Louis and I are thinking about

going to see
a marriage counsellor.

Oh, we tried that. The
counsellor told my wife and I

to act out
our sexual fantasies.

Hers was about the housewife
and the milkman.

I played the role of the husband
who was out of town.

Oh, Bob.

Excuse me, miss?
Is it too early to order lunch?

Oh, of course not.

Just, uh, name anything up there
and I'll make it.

Well, except for souvlakia.

I sort of promised the Board of
Health I'd never try that again.

Hi.
Are you serving lunch?

I'll be right back.

Linda, look over there.
What do you see?

A hunk and a freak.

Exactly. And who do you think
is behind that?

God?

No, Becker.

He's trying to get even with me
for my psychology experiment.

He thinks I'm gonna
fawn all over the hunk

and totally ignore the freak.

He's so obvious.

He probably couldn't get
the hood of your car open.

Right.

Now, what can I get for you?

I'll have a tuna sandwich
on whole wheat.

That sounds great.
I'll have the same.

Wait your turn, I am helping
this gentleman right now.

If you don't want my business,
I'll just go.

Fine. Suit yourself.

So that will be a tuna on
whole wheat. Anything with that?

Is coffee okay?

Jake.
Hey, John, listen.

I... I just signed
for this registered letter.

Could you read it to me?

Huh? Oh.

Sure. "State of New York."

Looks kind of important.

Gee, Jake,
I think it's starting to rain.

What the hell
are you talking about?

They're cutting off
your disability benefits

pending a full criminal
investigation for fraud.

What?
Well, why would they do that?

Evidently, the State of New York
thinks it's a little fishy

that a blind man just renewed
his driver's licence.

Wait. I didn't renew it.
I was trying to get rid of it.

Yeah, let's... Let's see
what we got here, shall we?

Uh, blind man, driver's licence

and a government bureaucracy.

It's the perfect storm.

"The Attorney General,
on suspicion of his

"fraudulently accepting
disability payments,

"mandates that one Jake Malinek
have all disbursements suspended

pending a full
criminal investigation."

This is terrible.
I need those benefits to live.

I mean,
what the hell am I gonna do?

You find the car of the person
who did this,

cut their brake line...
Yeah, Linda? Linda? Not now.

It's there if you need it.

So let them investigate you.

It's not gonna be hard
to prove you're blind.

Oh, what's he gonna do?
Walk into a wall?

You know, it's not gonna
go away that easy.

Jake, I tried to tell you
the storm was coming, didn't I?

Would you shut up with
the storm already? I got it.

Jake, you're gonna have to
go down there and kick some ass.

Unless you're planning on
writing another polite letter.

You know, John,
acting like a screaming lunatic

is not my style.

I'll just call them,
tell them I'm disabled.

As long as I stay blind,
I've got nothing to worry about.

Oh, you people never learn.

Oh.

I sure hope
you enjoyed yourself.

You've really brightened up
the place today.

A-and come back any time.

Really?
Wow, I'd like that.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

What a terrific guy.

Oh, this is great.
Now they're both blind.

If your husband's
not communicating with you,

well, then that's just
not a marriage.

Oh, I don't know, Bob.

Sometimes I'm just afraid
to talk to him about it.

Well, if you're anything
like Bob,

you'll go through
all the classic stages

of marital distress.

You know, anger,
denial, depression,

tire-slashing,
house arrest.

Well, you two kids
will work it out.

I'll see you, Margaret.
Feel better.

Oh, Bob, don't forget to...
I know.

Don't forget to tape
Judging Amy . Got it.

John?

Hey, Jake, come on in.
What are you doing here?

I'm really worried. I've been
calling about my benefits.

I can't get through.
I can't get anyone to help me.

I don't know
how to fight this thing.

What the hell
am I supposed to do?

So, what you're saying is,
it's raining outside

and you need an umbrella.

Yes, John, the storm is here.
It's raining.

It's happening like you said.
Are you gonna help me or not?

I haven't heard the magic words
yet.

You told me so. You were right,
you're always right.

The world would be
a better place

if we just listened to you.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Actually, I just wanted to hear
you were gonna pay for the cab,

but that other stuff
was good too.

You know, Bob,
I think our friendship

is raising a few eyebrows.

We are
from very different worlds.

You mean because you're black?

No. Because you're Bob.

Right.

Well, look who's back.

What can I do for you?

Uh, last time I was in here,

I kind of sensed that you had
a little thing for me.

So do you wanna
go out on a date?

A date?

Okay, I'll go out with you.
I'd love to.

All right. Cool.

How about tonight?

We could go to the Howard
Johnson's in Times Square.

They know me there.

Sounds great.

Great. Well,
I'll see you here tonight.

This is so cool.

So Becker's trying
to put one over on me.

I'll marry this guy
before I let that happen.

You're clear on the plan, right?
Absolutely.

You tear into these people,
do whatever you have to.

Just get my benefits back.

Trust me,
by the time I'm through,

as far as the state's
concerned,

you'll be blind, disabled
and totally incompetent.

Thanks, man.

Mr. Malinek, is there something
I can do for you?

Yeah, what you can do for him
is restore his sight.

Short of that, you can give him
back his disability payments

and drop
this idiotic investigation.

Yeah, you tell her, John.

Sir, raising your voice
isn't going to help.

Yeah, when you're one man
against the State of New York,

you have to raise your voice!

Look, you know,
what... What he needs

you're not gonna find
in your stupid little rulebook

or your computers.

What this man needs is action.
And he needs it now!

Oh, John, that was good.
Thank you.

I'm not sure...
Do you have some kind of proof?

What you...?
The guy's blind.

What do you think
the stick's for,

picking up trash
on the highway?

You know something? You know,
I think it's you who's blind.

You know what?

I think you ought
to talk to my supervisor.

Yeah, I'd be happy to do that.

John,
she's getting her supervisor.

Huh?
Oh, don't worry about that.

A supervisor's just code for.

"I'm so upset
I think I'm gonna cry."

Heh. We're doing great.
Okay, whatever you say.

We're pushing the clouds away.
Ha, ha.

Wait until you see what I do
to the next one.

Hello. I understand we're having
some sort of problem here.

Yeah, you're damn right we are.

Yes. Well,
I just want you to know

that I'm familiar
with your case,

and I'm afraid
I see nothing in your file

that would allow me
to reverse the state's position.

Oh, really? Ha, ha.
John?

You're up, John.

Would it help if my friend wrote
a very polite letter?

A polite letter.
You totally bailed on me.

Mr. Big-Storm downgraded
to Tropical Wuss.

Hey, I got your benefits back,
didn't I?

No, I got my benefits back.

They didn't believe I was blind

until I fell down
a flight of stairs.

Which, by the way,
you could have warned me about.

It wasn't a flight.
It was four steps.

You know, quit being
such a drama queen.

If you hadn't been staring
at that woman,

I bet you could have warned me.

If I had warned you, they
wouldn't believe you're blind.

You know, long story short,
you're welcome.

What happened to your hand?
Are you okay?

Well, the outlet Bob fixed
shorted out.

Damned near blew me
across the room.

You were right, John.

That little creep
is totally incompetent.

Welcome back from the dark side,
Margaret.

For a minute there,
I thought we'd lost you.

Hey, Reggie, are you ready?

Oh, one second, George.

Okay, Becker, nice try.

But I proved I'm nice
to everyone

no matter what they look like.

I even agreed to go on a date
with him.

Now, how far do I have to go?

Well, it's your date.

That's really up to you,
isn't it?

Your little joke's over.

You can call it off.
We're even.

What joke?

Oh, like you had nothing to do
with this.

With what?

We should get going.

My parents are in the car.

Good news, Grandma's coming.

I think she's gonna like you.

Just don't let all the tubes
freak you out.

You mean you really had nothing
to do with this?

Oh, my God.

That's great. You know,
I think she thinks that I...

Oh, how about that?

Yeah, sometimes
God just hands you one.