Becker (1998–2004): Season 3, Episode 16 - Elder Hostile - full transcript

- Coffee?
- Boy, not as far as I can tell.

Hey, I make it, but you pay for it.

Who's the idiot?

Yeah, that'd definitely be me.

- John, can I ask you a question?
- Hmm.

My grandmother's doctor
passed away last month.

Yeah, Jake, there's really
very little I can do for him now.

Just listen, okay?

I know I'll never find anybody
as good as Dr. Phillips,

but I was wondering
if you could treat her.

Oh, you know,
new patients always take a lot of time.



There's all that paperwork.

- She has insurance.
- This afternoon looks good.

And, uh, John,
well, how can I put this?

My grandmother's 82.
She's very fragile and...

I guess what I'm saying is,
could you be a little less like you?

Is this the first time, you've ever asked
anyone for a favour?

Because you really suck at it,
you know.

Hi-dee-hey, hi-dee-ho.

What are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be
at my apartment unclogging my sink?

No time for that now.
Bob had the blast from the past.

The Paul Revere
High School Yearbook, Class of '83.

- Our yearbook.
Ha, ha.

Oh, my God,
I haven't seen that in, like, forever.



Where am I?

Reg, I thought
you might wanna sign it.

Back in high school,
she didn't get chance.

We ran in different circles.

Yeah, mine had other people in it.

How about it? Will you sign?

All right, fine.

- There.
- Hey, hey, not just your name.

Something meaningful, Reg,
like, "Bob, you magnificent stud.

You're an animal.
You ruined me for all other men."

Or come up
with something on your own.

Why don't I do that?

- Hey, there I am.
- Where?

See that thing those guys are shoving
in their locker? That's me.

You can see my ear
in that guy's armpit.

Oh, and there I am,
laughing and pointing.

I tell you, if high school students
looked that bad today,

there wouldn't be
such a pregnancy problem.

Maybe we should all bring in
our yearbooks.

Oh, that's right, Becker. I forgot.

Yours was written in hieroglyphics.

What was Drivers Ed like before
they invented the wheel?

History must've been a lot easier
before there was any.

Yeah, you know,
you guys go on laughing,

but you just asked me for a favour.

And you depend on my business.

And you,
you shouldn't laugh at anyone.

When I grow up,
my house is gonna be in a tree.

It's gonna have its own roller coaster

and have a McDonald's
instead of a kitchen.

I'm sorry, Jared, but that's impossible.

- Why?
- Because that's gonna be my house.

Linda, can I see you for a minute?

- I'll be right back.
I'll be waiting.

You better be.

Oh, I will be.

Oh, I know you will, because...

- Linda.
- I'm coming.

Who is that?

Oh, that's Jared. We met
last week at Chuck E. Cheese.

Chuck E. Cheese?

It was my birthday, Margaret.

All right, it wasn't, but if you
tell them it is, they sing you a song.

That boy should be in school.

His school's closed today.

They found asbestos
in the cafeteria.

Kids in the Bronx are so lucky.

That doesn't change the fact
that you've got work to do.

Ugh. Why don't you just record
that instead of saying it all the time?

And not to mention,
I think that you are leading that boy on.

I am not leading him on.

It's obvious that he thinks
that he's your boyfriend.

He does not.

Although
we do have a lot in common.

He likes 'N Sync, I like 'N Sync.

He likes robots, I like robots.

He's 10.

I just can't win with you.

I mean, you had a problem with Gil
because he was in jail.

You had a problem with that guy
who lived in the subway

because, well, God knows why.

And now you don't like Jared.

He's 10.

You just don't want me to be happy,
do you?

He's 10.

You met Louis when he was 6.

We were both 6.

Well, that's just weird.

- Oh, hi, Jake.
- Hey, Margaret.

Hi, you must be Jake's grandmother.
We've been expecting you.

Yes, Ruth Malinak.
Glad to meet you.

Dr. Becker's almost ready.

Why don't I just take you back

and we'll get your blood work
and your EKG out of the way?

You can let go now.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

See you for dinner.

Boy, your girlfriend's old.

She's my grandmother.

Now, that's really weird.

Mrs. Malinak, John Becker.
It's very nice to meet you.

Jake and I
have been friends a long time.

He's, uh... He's a great guy.

Oh, he's a good boy,

but he is a little clumsy,
don't you think?

Well, he is blind.

Well, that's no excuse.

Look at Ray Charles.

Okay. Uh...

Easy there.

Don't get grabby.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to startle you.

I just wanna check
your lymph nodes.

I can save you some time.

My problem isn't my lymph nodes.
It's my heart.

Your heart?
Well, your EKG's normal.

I have a heart murmur.

Oh, really?

Do you mind if I listen?

Okay, but watch yourself.

Damn heart murmur,
been the curse of my life.

But I get around pretty good,
considering.

You know something,
your heart sounds fine.

I don't hear a murmur.

Well, it's hard to hear.

That's why they call it a murmur.

Dr. Phillips told me
I had it years ago.

You know something? I think
you may have been misdiagnosed.

- Are you calling Dr. Phillips a liar?
- No.

I'm just saying that mistakes happen.
Am I missing something here?

You know, not having
a heart murmur's a good thing.

Why don't you just give me my shot
and I'll be on my way?

Dr. Phillips gave you a shot for this?

B12 shots every month
to regulate my heart.

Look, first of all,

a B12 shot wouldn't do anything
for a heart condition.

Even if it did, which it doesn't,
you don't have one.

Well, if I don't, why do I get tired
when I walk up the stairs?

Because you're 82 years old.

I'm beginning to believe you don't know
what the hell you're doing.

Now, are you going to treat
my heart condition or not?

- You don't have a heart condition.
- Yes, I do.

- I'm sorry, but you don't.
- I do.

- You don't.
- I do.

You don't.

Don't you back-talk me.

Hey, Becker.

- Yeah, where's Jake?
- He went to the bank.

Well, guess what.
His grandmother hit me.

What did you do?

Nothing. She just hit me.

My own mother didn't hit me.

Well, that explains a lot.

Oh, you still looking
at that stupid yearbook?

Yeah. You know,
I forgot how popular I was.

Look, homecoming queen,
captain of the soccer team,

head of the French Club.

Oh, and look,
I was voted Most Likely to Succeed.

Yeah, those yearbook editors
were real prophets, weren't they?

So, Reg,
did you sign my yearbook yet?

I'm busy, Bob. I'll get to it.

What's the big deal?
Just sign right there on my picture.

What picture? Where are you?

There. That's my arm
sticking out of garbage can.

In fact, if memory serves,
you took the picture.

That's right.

I was in the Photography Club too.

- John?
Yeah, right here.

What did you say to my nana?

She hit me.

You don't know when to quit.

Maybe you didn't hear what I said.
She hit me.

Big deal. She hits everyone.

She said you were rude,
you wouldn't give her her shot,

- and you were grabby?
- Ho-ho-ho.

You wanna hear my version?

She hit me.

Come on, she's gotta be 80.

When she swings, you got like
half an hour to get out of her way.

You know, I can't believe
you'd treat my grandmother this way.

You know, for your information,
I was very nice to her.

I wanted to scream at her,

- I should have, but I didn't.
- Why'd you tell her

- she didn't have a heart murmur?
- I don't know.

Because she doesn't
have a heart murmur.

Bob has a heart murmur.

Good.

- You have to tell her you were wrong.
- Yeah, not a chance, Jake.

Listen, John,
she's my nana and she's mad.

She's not just mad at you,

she's mad at me
for sending her to you.

Sounds to me
like someone's granny-whipped.

John, I don't know whether or not
she has a heart murmur,

but she seems to think
that she does, all right?

She's proud of the fact
that she hasn't let it slow her down.

Well,
why stop with a heart murmur?

Why doesn't she not have a stroke?
She could be doing even better.

I'm not kidding,
you have to apologise.

You know, Jake,
your grandmother's in great shape.

If it's true the good die young,

she's gonna live
to be a thousand years old.

But she will never, ever live
long enough to hear me say I'm sorry.

That is so stupid.

I can't believe
how stubborn he's being.

Huh? Oh, no,
I'm talking about this picture.

Did your school
have those stupid losers

in a mascot costume
with a big furry head,

annoying everyone
at the football games?

It's called school spirit.

Linda, your lunch is one hour,
not an hour and 15 minutes.

Not an hour and a half,
certainly not two hours.

You know,
we've got work to do around here.

Yuck, you were sure right about her.

Sorry, Margaret, we went to the zoo.

- So I'll be back to pick you up at 4?
- Five.

Four thirty.

See you.

Hey, wait,
you forgot your elephant.

No, I got that for you.

Oh, wow, thank you. I love it.

See you later.

All right, this has gone far enough.
Now he's buying you presents.

Oh, come on,
it's just a stuffed animal.

Linda, he thinks
that you're his girlfriend.

If you don't end it,
you're gonna break his little heart.

Even if I wanted to end it,
which I don't,

you know how bad I am
at breaking up with people.

Remember what happened with Gil?

He started crying,
then I started crying.

We ended up staying together
another three months.

I mean,
if that cashier at the mini-mart

hadn't been able to pick him
out of a line-up,

we'd be married by now.

Reg, are you okay?

Actually, I'm a little depressed.
Been thinking about what Becker said.

And you're only a little depressed?

What did he say this time?

Just that what a joke it was my being
voted Most Likely to Succeed.

He's right. I mean,
what if my friends could see me now?

No college diploma,
barely a dime in the bank,

no husband, no kids.

I can't even hold onto a boyfriend.

Somebody wanna stop me?

Why? You're not done.

Hey, stop asking for money,
you lazy jerk.

You know, get off your ass,
hit the pavement and get a job.

And as for this, you threw it at me.
I'm keeping it.

Uh, some guy's gonna come in
for this.

You'll know him when you see him.

Coffee to go, please.

You know, John,
my nana was so upset

she said
she couldn't sleep last night.

Yeah, well, maybe
she was kept up by the beat

of a very strong and healthy heart.

You know, one day you'll recognise

there are more important things
than having to be right.

Oh, please, I don't have to be right.

Oh, John, you really need
to apologise to Jake's nana.

Yeah, look,
considering I went to medical school,

I think I know a little bit
more than nana

when it comes
to diagnosing patients.

We'll all stipulate
that you know more about medicine

than an 82-year-old woman
who never finished high school.

- Happy?
- Yes.

John, it's not just
between you and my nana, all right?

- It's between you and me.
- Oh, grow up, will you, Jake?

No, I'm serious, John.

I'll think about it.

Linda, Bob.

Reg, two Cokes, please.

I should've been voted
Most Likely to Get Cokes.

Jared, I really like you.

Cool. Hey, look.

Um, what I'm trying to say is,
I really think you're great.

Thanks. You too.

Oh, please don't make this
any harder than it already is.

Do you have onion rings?

No, I don't have any rings.
Thanks for bringing it up.

Jared,
we can't see each other anymore.

Why? I thought we were having fun.

We were. I mean, we are.

But I guess that I've given you
the wrong impression.

We can't do things together
anymore.

So you mean
we can't even go to the zoo?

Well...

Yeah, we could do that.

Oh, what about the movies?

Of course.

Then what's gonna be different?

Uh...

I don't know.

Then what the heck
are we talking about?

I don't know.

It's all her fault.

Why don't you like me?

No, no, no, that's not it.

It's just that I thought,
you know,

that you thought
that she was your girlfriend.

Ew, gross,
she's like a hundred years old.

- Let's go play video games.
- Okay.

When I was in high school,
I could've had a guy like that.

You know, this doesn't exactly
look like a steady heartbeat to me.

Yeah, well, first of all, Mrs. Malinak,
that's a brain scan.

And secondly,
that's not even your file.

And third,

you're in my chair.

Sorry. It's hard for me to get up.

You know, because of my heart.

Right, right.

Now, you called me
all the way down here.

I assume
you have something you want to say?

Yes. Well, uh...

Maybe the other day,
I was, ahem, a little hasty.

You weren't hasty. You were wrong.

Let's not get into right and wrong.

You know,
Jake's a very good friend of mine.

And because
you're his grandmother,

I guess that I was, ahem,
well, I mean, uh...

l...

For a doctor, you don't have much
of a vocabulary, do you?

Oh, you know,
I got a couple of, uh, choice words

running through my head right now.

I'm waiting.

Yes, well.

The other day
I might have been a little hasty,

and I guess that I, ahem... I was...

Now, damn it, I was right.

I was a hundred percent right.
You do not have a heart murmur.

You know, the only thing you have

is a total lack of respect
for anybody else.

You know...

You know, I can't even believe
that you and Jake are related.

I mean, he is such a nice guy.

He's a really good person,
and you're...

Thank you.

What?
No, I wasn't complimenting you.

Yes, you were.

If Jake is a good person,
I get some of the credit.

After all,
I had a big hand in his upbringing.

Oh, yeah,
I know all about your big hand.

I believe
you were in the middle of an apology.

Listen, I cannot
in good conscience tell you

that you have something
that you don't have.

I'm sure I have a heart murmur.
It's not like it just went away.

Well, what if it did?

What?

Maybe, you know,
your heart murmur got better,

which is why I didn't hear it.

Is that possible?

For Jake's sake, let's say it is.

Okay. I can live with that.

But what about my B12 shots?

Well,
if your heart murmur got better,

you don't really need those shots,
do you?

Mm. Because they worked. Right?

Yeah. Ha, ha.

I guess I can live with that. Ha, ha.

Guess I'll be going.

Okay.

And I'll see you next month.
That's when I get my liver scan.

Liver scan?
It doesn't say anything about a liver...

See you next month.

- Jake.
- Hey, John.

I talked to Nana.

- Thanks for apologising to her.
- No problem.

I mean, you didn't have to start crying
and beg her forgiveness.

She said that l...?

Oh, you know, glad to help.

Where's Reg? I'm starved.

Oh, she closed up early.
Been in the back for over an hour.

She's still depressed
about this whole high school thing.

Oh, for God's sake. Reg?

Come on, Reg,
get out here, will you?

I'm closed, Becker. Go away.

Oh, come on, you can't close early.
How am I supposed to...?

Becker, get out.

Oh, oh, my God.

What?

Okay, pathetic just took a turn
towards creepy.

What's going on?
Did I miss something good?

No, be glad you're blind.

This is my homecoming dress.

Oh, that is pathetic.

You know, make fun all you want,
but it still fits and it looks great.

You know, everybody else
in the class of '83 might be married.

Michelle Baird is a surgeon,
Ellen Madison is a hotshot lawyer,

but I am and always will be
homecoming queen.

You do realise
that's not a profession.

Mama!

Am I dreaming?
I gotta pinch myself.

No, you do it.

- I'm going to change.
- Wait. Did you sign my yearbook yet?

Oh, for God's sake.
All right, I'm doing it.

Wait, after these years
of getting cut out of the picture,

it's not gonna happen again.

Bob finally has a chance
to have his picture taken

with the homecoming queen.

There. Are you happy?

"Have a great summer."

It's beautiful.

- Quick, Becker, take our picture.
Mm.