Becker (1998–2004): Season 3, Episode 14 - Pretty Poison - full transcript

John, guess what.

I left my husband.

After all this time,
we can finally be together.

I hate this dream.

John.

John, it's me, Megan.

John, it really is me
and I really did leave my husband.

I wanna be with you.

- Oh. Oh, my God. Megan.
- Oh. Ha, ha.

Is John in here?

No.
So far today is completely Becker-free.



I don't ask why. I just enjoy it.

He flaked on the Knicks game
Saturday night.

I stood outside of the Garden
for an hour

saying, "John, John?"
To everybody who passed by.

I mean, sure,
I met a few hookers, but...

You should've called him.

I did. He wouldn't pick up his phone.

I didn't hear from him either.

He usually leaves obsessive
little messages all weekend.

"Did you call in that prescription?

Did you confirm
Monday's appointments?

Did Linda take my stapler?"

That was an emergency.

You try hemming a skirt
on the subway.



- Is Becker here?
- Why does everyone care?

You know the minute he gets here,
we're all gonna wish he'd leave.

Listen to this.
Bob heard through the grapevine...

Okay, through the airshaft
in our building.

- The unmistakable sounds of sex
coming from Becker's apartment.

Moaning, groaning, screaming...

Okay, Bob, we get it.

Which leads Bob
to only one conclusion:

Becker went out of town
and loaned his apartment to someone.

Bob, obviously,
he had a woman in there.

Even if he did,
that's no excuse for flaking on me.

Okay, it's a great excuse,
but still, I'm pretty upset about it.

Becker having sex?

No, I don't see it.

But if I get that new drill, I will.

Bob, first of all, you're an idiot.

And second...

No, that pretty much covers it.

- Morning, everyone.
- Hey, hey, don't "good morning" me.

- What happened to you Saturday?
- Jake, I'm sorry.

I don't even care
if you did get a woman into bed.

She better be the hottest
and nastiest thing you ever been with.

I'd like to think I was.

Oh, man.

Megan, you remember everybody.
This is Megan.

- I think you remember Jake, Margaret.
Hi.

So, Dr. Becker, we heard you had
hot and nasty sex all weekend.

Who with?

Well, it was nice seeing everyone,
but I have to run a few errands.

I'm sure we'll have plenty
of chances to visit

now that John and I are, well...

Yeah, we are, aren't we?

Sorry about what I said.
I didn't know you were standing...

Hey, radar, she left.

Megan, Megan. Um...

Wasn't that your old girlfriend
from college, the married one?

Oh, put the tablets down, Moses.

She's not married anymore.

She left her husband
and she came to be with me.

That must have been
one bad marriage.

You know something?

I'm in such a good mood,
I'm gonna let that one pass.

You know, do me a favour.

Go outside and come back in bitching
because I don't know who you are.

Ha, ha.
- No, no, no. I know that look.

I haven't seen him this happy

since his 6-piece McNuggets
had eight by mistake.

Yeah, that was a good day, wasn't it?
Yeah.

Yeah, but this is Megan, you know.
This is...

Yeah, this is better.
This is much better.

See, Megan and I were always
supposed to end up together

and it finally happened.

Wait, she just left her husband?

Yeah, yeah. Why?

Just be careful, John.

She just ended a marriage.
You don't wanna be the rebound guy.

The what?

Whenever a woman
ends a long-term relationship,

she always runs
after the first guy she can find.

And then has mad, passionate,
claw-your-back,

tear-your-hair-out sex with them.

Yeah. I'd sure hate to be that guy.

You guys, I know you guys,
you know, wanna help.

Either that or you're just trying
to make up

for your own loveless lives.

But what you don't understand
is after 30 years,

I'm with the woman of my dreams.

I'm happy.

Deal with it.

Ha. Loveless lives.

Who's he calling loveless?

Jake, I'm taking a Penthouse.

I'm so glad you're here.

You know, I don't hear that a lot.

Boy, this place looks fantastic,
Megan.

Oh, I'm glad you like it.

Sit down.

I hope you like Kung Pao chicken.

Chinese food too?

Boy, add sex and a football game,
this'd be like the best day of my life.

So let's eat.

I also got some Chinese beer.
I seem to remember you like that.

Yeah.

I think the flavours
really compliment each other.

You know, you, uh, keep hanging up
the phone before you answer it.

I know.

Anyway, I decided
against the fried rice because...

You know, you only have one pan.

Listen, Megan, I'm a doctor.
It could be an emergency.

It isn't. It's my ex-husband.

How do you know that
unless you answer it?

Fine.

Listen, Russ,
we're not married anymore.

It's over and I'm not coming back.

Hey, you cheated on me.

Don't talk to me about Mike.
He had nothing to do with it.

I guess it was for you.

Oh, hey.

Megan.

Come on, it's okay.

Really. You'll be all right.

Yeah.

Who's Mike?

Oh, God.

I wanted to spare you
all the messy details,

but I guess it's best
to tell you everything.

No, you don't have to.

No, I want to.

I came home early one day

and I found my husband in bed
with some bimbo from his office.

I was hurt. I was confused.

So I went out for a drink,
and, well, that's when I met Mike.

It was just that one night. It...

Well, it was a rebound thing.

Well, you...
I bet you wish I'd never come here.

No, no, no. It's okay.

Oh.

So you don't hate me?

- Of course not.
- Oh.

Hey, everybody has baggage,
you know.

- Yeah.
- I can live with this.

Oh, thank you for understanding.

Understanding?
I've been married before.

You know, I used to call and hang up
on my ex-wife for years.

- Ha, ha.
- In fact, what time is it in Phoenix?

You know, I'm, uh...
I'm not hungry anymore. Are you?

Oh, uh, you know,
Kung Pao chicken is my...

Okay.

Sorry I'm late.
I was tied up all morning.

Cool. Me too.

Linda, I wasn't actually tied up.

Oh, then neither was I.

I was with Megan.
We were making arrangements

to send her stuff over.
She's moving in.

Already?
Doesn't that seem a little soon?

You call 30 years soon?

We're finally together.
We've wasted enough time.

And for your information,

I found out last night
that I'm not the rebound guy.

It just so happens
there was someone else before me.

So there.

It's a love story for the ages.

Mr. Peterson,
would you come with me, please?

You know, it is a love...

It is a love story, Linda.

You know, I'll never forget
the first time I, uh, saw Megan.

It was like everyone else
in the room just disappeared.

Funny thing happened...

Excuse me, Dr. Becker,
but I have some filing to do.

Oh, sure.

Like that story under "B" for boring.

Becker, it's been two hours.
How long are you gonna wait for her?

She'll be here.

I don't think she's showing.

Look, she came by the office
this afternoon,

I gave her my credit card
so she could go shopping

and we agreed
to meet back here at 6.

It's 8.

Well, you know, so she got delayed.
Big deal.

Do you believe this?

I still can't believe
he released his credit card

from its calfskin prison.

- Shut up, will you?
Becker, think about it.

She shows up in the middle
of the night, moves right in,

and now she's borrowing money.

- She sounds a little flaky to me.
- Oh, come on, Reggie, would you?

Hello?

Hold on.

It's her.

Megan?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Give me that. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Right.

Yeah, no problem. Bye-bye.

See?
Perfectly reasonable explanation.

So where is she?

Locked in a bathroom
off the New Jersey Turnpike.

So there.

- Oh, I'm sorry I hit you.
- Oh, that's all right.

I thought you were Dave.

It was an accident.
I'm sorry I snuck up on you.

Who's Dave?

Um, he's the guy whose car
I was returning.

Look, let's just forget it.

I don't want to get you involved
in any of this.

Megan, I only have partial vision
in my left eye.

I'm already involved.

Okay, you're right.

Dave was the guy I lived with
after Russ and I split up.

I thought that was Mike.

No, no, no. I never lived with Mike.
I lived with Dave.

Well, for how long?

Oh, not long.
Only about three months.

Three months?

But I thought you came
straight to me.

No. I didn't know where to go
or what to do.

I mean, Dave meant nothing to me.

Huh. Don't you just love
those little convertibles?

- Oh.
- So...

If you lived together, that means
you slept with Dave, right?

Oh, it was a cry for help.

Well, did you ever think
of just saying help?

Oh, God, I'm ruining everything.

You hate me now, don't you?

No, no, l...

Oh, no, I'm sorry. L...

Hey, everybody has baggage.

I can live with this.

- John?
- Hmm.

What do you say we take that exit?

Holiday Inn?

Oh, yeah, I love the way you think.

No, Dave's following us.

Pull off, get on the access road
and kill the lights.

- What?
- Now, damn it! Now!

Okay,
so, what do we got this morning?

What happened to your eye?

What? Oh, how. Ha, funny story.

Uh, Megan mistook me
for somebody else

and accidentally punched me
in the face. Ha, ha.

Oh, that is funny. Ha-ha-ha.

- John.
- Hmm.

Well, l...
You're not gonna believe this.

Megan borrowed a car from this guy.

Then all of a sudden,

he demands she bring it back to him
all the way in New Jersey.

When she gets there,
he starts hassling her.

She gets scared and runs

and hides in a bathroom
at this gas station

right off the turnpike.

John,
I know it's none of my business,

but this Megan sounds like trouble.

Oh, come on.
So she has a little baggage.

Baggage?
She's like a carousel at JFK.

Hey, you know, I don't...

I don't care what she says.

I've waited a long time
to be with Megan.

I think I can wait a little longer for her
to, you know, straighten her life.

- Let me ask you something.
- Yeah.

Do you think she'd mind
waiting for you?

You know something, Linda,
I don't think so.

Oh, good. Because she's been
in your office for, like, 20 minutes.

Why didn't you say something?

You know, I could lie to you,
but the truth is, I totally spaced.

Megan, what are you doing here?
I thought you were gonna sleep in.

Oh, I couldn't sleep.
I felt so bad about last night.

I swear, John,
my life usually isn't this crazy.

Thank you again
for being so understanding.

Oh, hey, you thanked me plenty
last night.

In fact, I thought if you thanked me
one more time, I was gonna pass out.

- You are so sweet.
- Hmm.

You know what?
I'm gonna take you to dinner.

Let's go.

But, Megan,
it's 9:30 in the morning.

Oh, ha, ha, where's my head?

- I'll pick you up at 6.
- Great, great.

We'II, uh... We'll go to the diner.

- Oh, do we have to?
- Problem?

Oh, it's just something
about those people.

I'm not trying to change your life,

but I wish you wouldn't
spend time with them.

Why? What's wrong with them?

Well, it's not so much them as her.
Reggie.

I mean, it's kind of sad.

She obviously
has some pathetic delusion

that you're gonna drag her
out of her dreary life.

Drag her where?
Into my dreary life?

Look, you know,
Reggie's not after me.

You know, I think you'd see that

if you spent more time
down at the diner.

I know the atmosphere's not great,
but the food...

- Well, the food's not great either, but...
- Yeah.

But, you know,
if you got to know Reggie...

Well, at least she's better than the food
or the atmosphere, you know.

I'm sorry. Uh.

Maybe I just want you all to myself.

I love you so much,
I just don't wanna lose you.

Boy, that's something else
I don't hear very often. Ha, ha.

Hey, Megan.
I didn't expect to see you here.

Oh, you told me to come over
and get to know your friends, so I did.

You're right. They're terrific.

Even Bob?

Oh, you know, I have a million things
to do before dinner.

Bye, Reggie.

Oh.

Looks like you guys
were having a nice visit there.

Are you kidding? She's nuts.

I don't know what she looks like,
but based on the conversation I heard,

I picture her with pinwheel eyes and
a cuckoo coming out of her forehead.

Wait a second.
What are you guys talking about?

What are we talking about?

She told us about your escapade
in New Jersey.

She made it sound
like it was no big deal.

It was no big deal.

Oh, really?

You usually get hit in the face
on dates?

Bob does.

It was an accident.

You're really okay with this?

Becker, you started your evening out
at a gas-station bathroom

and ended up
in a high-speed car chase.

What's your point?

The point is, John,

you break up with women
for parting their hair wrong

and you have no problem with this?

Yeah. And that kiss
she just planted on you,

you don't think
that was for my benefit?

Actually,
I thought it was for my benefit.

Well, Bob got a little something
out of it too.

Becker, she looked right at me.

It was her way of saying,
"Keep your hands off my man."

You know something?
I don't have to listen to this.

I come in here,
morning after morning

and listen to you tell me
I don't know how to enjoy my life.

And the minute I do,
you can't stand it.

- Becker...
- No. Think about it.

Has she lied to me? No.
Has she stolen from me? No.

Has she hurt me? No.

Have you really asked her to?

Because chicks can be
kind of shy about that stuff.

Megan?

Megan, it's Alonso.

I know you're there.
All right. Fine, don't answer.

But I want my money back, damn it.

Megan, it's lan. My wife's out of town.

Any chance of us
getting together again?

Dr. Becker,
it's Debbie at Concord Savings.

There's been some unusual activity
on your credit card.

Please call me at Extension 438.

What, what?

Hello, Meg?
Tim. You know, from yesterday.

Call me.

Someone's a bad boy.

Listening to other people's
messages.

No. It's my apartment.

Oh, that's right. Everything's yours.

Your apartment, your telephone.

Well, by the way,
you're out of Wild Turkey.

Megan, what's going on here?

Did you buy all that stuff
with my credit card?

Who was it, John?
Who turned you against me?

Was it your whore at the diner?

My whore at the diner
had nothing to do with this.

She's not a whore, Megan.

Look, I don't... Who are those guys?

I just wanna know what's going on.

Oh, all right, fine.

If it will stop this insane third degree,
I'll tell you everything.

- What?
- You know about Russ and Mike.

And for the record,
I had no idea Mike was 16.

Six...

Then I met lan.

He was hitching a ride
and what can I say, it was a mistake.

Not as big a mistake
as Dave or Alonso,

but that's a whole other story.

Which brings us to Tim.

I wanted to sleep with him,
but I didn't.

You're welcome.

That's it. That's everything, okay?

Hey, everybody has baggage.

Oh, wait a minute.
Nobody has that much baggage.

Look,
we really need to talk about this.

All right,
but first thing in the morning

we're gonna really talk about this.

So when I woke up this morning,

she was gone, her stuff was gone,
and a lot of my stuff was gone.

Sorry, man.

Yeah, I wish we had been wrong.

I just can't believe I let her make
such an ass out of me, you know.

I mean, damn it.
She was my fantasy.

You know, for years, I had all these
screwed-up relationships,

but in a funny way, it didn't matter
because in the back of my mind

I always hoped that I'd meet
Megan again and we'd be together.

Well, you know what they say.
It's better to have loved and lost...

Better to have loved and lost?
Oh, come on, Reggie.

Your encouragement's
as bland as your food.

You know, it would've been better
if she hadn't shown up at all.

Now I've got nothing.

I've lost her and my fantasy.

Look at it this way, John.

A lot of guys don't ever get to be
with a woman like Megan.

And a lot of guys do.