Becker (1998–2004): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Princess Cruise - full transcript

Come on, you...

You're late.

And you've got patients waiting
in Rooms 1 and 2.

Margaret, I just walked in the door.

Is it all right with you
if I take a few moments for myself

before you inundate me
with the walking wounded?

Is that all right with you?

Thank you.

Oh, and, Dr. Becker,
you have a phone call,

but I forgot to ask who it was.

Oh, that's just great.



Oh, thank you, Linda.
Yeah, terrific support staff.

All right.
Starting my day with a compliment.

Which line?

The blinking one.

None of them are blink...

Oh, sure, now it is.

Uh-oh.

Did you see that look in his eye?

I never look directly at him.

Oh, that's right.
You haven't been through it before.

Been through what?

Well, every four years,
he just loses it.

You mean more than normal?

I should have seen this coming.



I mean, both of his ex-wives
have called lately.

He took a big hit on his taxes.

And Lord knows the last time
he was with a woman.

Well, he doesn't seem any worse
than usual.

Damn phones!

There are subtle differences.

Margaret, you're right.

Lately, Becker has been a bigger pain
in the ass than usual.

How long does this usually last?

Usually, until he kills something.

Last time, it was a Coke machine.

He said it was staring at him.

I know how that feels.

Hey, Reg.

Hey, Jake. Hey, Heidi.
HEIDl: Hey, Reggie.

Oh, did you happen to leave a pair
of sunglasses in here the other day?

I did. Thank you.

Damn. I mean, here you go.

Mm-hm.

But I'm warning you,
you leave that jacket in here,

you are not seeing it again.

Thanks for the warning.
Gotta go to work.

- See you later.
- Okay. Ha, ha.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

That's your girlfriend?

Your girlfriend? Yours?

What's your problem, Bob?

My problem, Mr. Blind Date, is that
it's a sin that such a beautiful woman

is wasted on a guy
who can't even see her.

But I still got a sense of touch.

- Hey, quit rubbing it in.
Ha-ha-ha!

How come Bob never gets
any woman like that?

You mean non-inflatable?

Linda thinks your girlfriend's
really nice.

Linda thinks?

What, Bob's the only one
allowed to do it?

Could we just get back
to John's foul mood?

Oh, good, you noticed it too.
What are we gonna do about it?

Maybe we should send him flowers.

Well, can you tie a dozen roses
around a brick?

Oh, this is stupid.

He seems fine to me.

Where the hell's my coffee?

You just walked in.

The coffee I ordered yesterday,
I never got it. I want it now.

Well, you're in luck.
Yesterday's coffee is Reggie's special.

John!

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I just thought
my coffee would be there by now.

You know, you have been stomping
around here

like a wounded rhino for weeks.

We need a break.
You need to go on vacation.

- Yeah.
- Well, not gonna happen.

After getting hosed on my taxes,
my travel budget's like $300.

Actually,
make that $300 and 50 cents.

Why 50 cents?

I'm not paying for the coffee
I never got!

Will you pour him the coffee?

There's this website where you tell
them how much money you have,

and they hook you up
with great trips.

But it's last-minute stuff,
so you have to go right away.

You find me a good vacation for $300,
I'll be happy to go.

That'll be easy.
They have everything.

Golf trips, fishing trips,
you could even go skiing.

Yeah,
I could wrap myself around a tree

and get a concussion
and be out of the office for months.

What about a ski trip?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Hey, Reggie, Jake here?
We're going out to dinner.

Oh, yeah, he'll be right out. Coffee?

Yeah, thank you.

It's funny, I can't remember
ever seeing you so casual.

I mean, it's just that you're always
so dressed up, that's all.

Yeah, usually, I am.

I mean, I don't mean
to sound conceited or anything,

all my life, every guy I've ever dated
has been obsessed with how I look.

Well, you know what it's like.

Yeah, it's a drag.

With Jake, I don't have to dress up.

It's great. I feel so free.

Hey, Jake.

Heidi. Oh, you're here early.

- Yeah.
- Ha, ha. Most women are late.

They take so much time
putting themselves together.

Not me.

Well, good night, Reg.

- See you tomorrow.
- Have fun.

We've gotta go.

That little man,
he's staring at me again.

Well, all right then. I'll see you.

She's so much fun to talk to.

She didn't say a word to you.

She didn't have to.
There was a look in her eyes.

What?

Is it my imagination

or are you not as close
to the floor as usual?

All right, if you must know, I'm wearing
elevation-enhancing accessories.

You know, I'm wearing lifts.

Lifts? You're wearing stilts.

Yeah, and they're killing me,
all right?

Oh, God.

Oh. That's better.

Well, I was crazy to agree with this.
I don't wanna go on a cruise.

Well, you're going.
Come on, the cab is waiting.

Margaret, a cruise?

I don't like being in an elevator
with strangers for seven minutes.

What am I gonna do on a boat
for seven days?

Stay out of the elevator.

Come on, John,

Linda did a lot of research
before she booked this cruise.

It's gonna be a lot of fun.

And besides, you are going
to such great places:

Jamaica, the Dominican Republic,
Puerto Rico...

Have you been out there lately?
I'm already on that cruise.

No, I don't need a vacation.
I just had a bad couple of days.

I'm past that now.

Honk that horn one more time,

I'm gonna force-feed that backrest
to you one bead at a time!

You know, you know, you know, just...
Hey, no, wait...

Margaret, Margaret, don't...

Oh, Lord,
I thought he would never leave.

Now, Linda, I'm gonna go back
and close the exam rooms.

You call Susan over
at Dr. Klein's office

and reconfirm
all the rescheduled appointments.

You got it.

Susan. I'm on it.

Julie? Linda.

Yeah, I'll be out soon.

Uh-huh. Dr. Evil just left.

You know,
we should go on that cruise.

There's entertainment, pool parties
and not a woman to be seen.

We'd do great there.

Yeah, you should see the pictures
on the website.

These guys are so desperate,
they're stuck dancing with each other.

It's what kind of cruise?

Please tell me you mean happy.

Hi, Linda. Welcome back.

Is Dr. Becker back yet?

No, not yet, but he should
be in any minute. Why?

Uh, no reason.

How was your week off?
Mine was great.

What'd you do?

Well, Louis had to work,

so I slept late, watched soap operas,
ate ice cream...

Pretty much what you do here
every day.

Linda, what's wrong?

Nothing.

What are you so worried about?

Uh, you know, the world, my place
in it, how long I'll have a place in it.

That's great, Linda.

It never hurts to get in touch
with your spiritual side.

Actually, I've been drinking a lot.

Hi, John, welcome back.

How was the cruise?

It was very nice.

Did you have fun?

Yes, it was very nice.

Well, do you have any pictures?

No. No pictures.

I swear, you're the only person I know
who goes away on vacation,

comes back
and has nothing to say about it.

Well, I guess it was just so special

I haven't had time to process it all.

You know,
you are being very secretive. Ha, ha.

Did you have
a little shipboard romance?

Linda. Linda, are you all right?

Yes, fine. Yes.

You know, John, I've got the feeling
you are hiding something from me.

But don't worry,
I'll get it out of you eventually.

Mrs. Han,
would you please follow me?

I'll get you set up in Room 1.

I'm going to kill you.

Greetings, losers.

Hey, who's the skank sitting
with Vision Quest?

That's Heidi.

Get the hell out of here.

I think she's taking advantage of Jake
because he's blind.

You know,
by letting her appearance go.

Wow.

Suddenly Bob's glad he never took
a shot at her.

Unless you had a gun
with tranquilizer darts in it,

you never had a shot at her.

- I gotta go, Jake. Okay?
- Okay.

So dinner tonight around 8?

- Yeah. Sounds great.
- Okay. Bye.

Bye, beautiful. Ha, ha.

- Oh, well, look who's back.
Hey.

- Hello.
Hello.

- Well, if isn't the king of cruising.
Ha, ha.

So did the king find a queen?

Why did you say that?

I don't know. I just heard those cruises
were great places to meet people.

What do you mean
by those cruises?

Has Linda been in here?

No, she's been on vacation
for a week.

Why?

Oh, never mind.
Let's just, uh, drop it, huh?

You know what, Reg?
I bet he did meet somebody.

Come on,
a single doctor on a cruise.

- It'd be weird if he didn't.
Mm-hm.

All right, all right, you know what?
You did guess, you guessed it.

- I, uh, did meet someone.
Ah.

See?
- I just didn't wanna jinx it, you know.

So let's just say
that this person is, uh, very special

and it was very romantic,
and, uh, I hope it works out.

Dr. Becker,
I'm sorry I sent you on a gay cruise.

I can't take this torture anymore.

So kill me, don't kill me,
that's up to you.

But it was an honest mistake.

Whoa.

Wait. Back up.

You went on a gay cruise?

They didn't know yet, did they?

No, no, they didn't.

Oh, John.

Oh, John. Ha-ha-ha!

So this, uh, special person you met,
what's his name?

Very funny. Very funny.

Oh, Bob's waited his whole life for this.
Someone else is the object of ridicule.

All right, all right, all right,
now you all know.

- It's no big deal.
- Ha-ha-ha.

- Oh, thank God.
- No, no, no.

For you, it is a very big deal.

"Go on a vacation," you said.
"You know, it'll be relaxing," you said.

It was the most unrelaxing week
of my entire life.

At what point did you realise
it was a gay cruise?

Oh, I don't know.
Somewhere between YM and CA.

So, what'd you do,
sit in your cabin all week?

Yeah, no, I would've loved that.

But my two cabin mates,
Brad and Evan, they really hit it off.

First night,
I went back to my stateroom early,

and let's just say
I never made that mistake again.

So there were no women
on the entire ship?

Oh, I thought there were,
but I was horribly and publicly wrong.

Dr. Becker, I promise,

someday you'll look back on this
and laugh too.

Maybe.

Maybe.

But before that day comes,
I'm going to kill you.

And then I'm gonna use my powers
as a physician to bring you back to life.

And then I'm going to kill you again.

Hi, Dr. Becker.

Hello, Linda.

Would you please go back
to the storeroom

and bring me back
a box of syringes?

How do I know this isn't a trap?

You don't.

How long is this gonna go on?

So Linda made a mistake.

John, you have been tormenting her
for days.

Yes. And so far,
much more fun than my vacation.

Don't you think you're carrying on
just a little too much?

I swear, you are acting
like such a homophobe.

Oh, come on, Margaret,
you know me.

I don't have anything
against gay people.

I would've felt just as uncomfortable

with a boat full of old people
or young people

or born-agains
or country music fans.

And thank God
there weren't country music fans.

But what was so bad
about this cruise?

Do I have to spell it out to you?
I was the only straight man there.

Do you know what it's like
to be a minority?

Never mind,
you know what I'm talking about.

I was really looking forward
to getting away.

You know, and, yes, you know,
I was hoping I could meet someone.

And that certainly wasn't gonna
happen on this cruise, was it?

So people weren't nice to you?

No.

Everybody was really nice.

So it wasn't completely miserable.

No, I guess not.

I mean, you know, I got some sun,
and I caught up with my reading.

How about the food?

Oh, Margaret,
the food was marvellous.

How about the entertainment?

Fabulous. It was...

Marvellous? Fabulous?

I mean, listen to me. Listen to me.

I swear,
if anyone else went on this cruise,

they would have come back
with a funny story.

Oh, but not you.

You treat it
just like you treat your whole life.

You look for the negative, you find it,
and then you obsess about it.

John, Linda made a mistake.

Move on.

Well, what am I supposed to do,

like, you know,
find the humour in all of this?

Why not? Everyone I've told has.

Greetings, fry baby. Bob's back.

Yeah, back to your old height.

Hey, Braille Mix. Why so spiffy?

I like to look good
when I go out with Heidi.

Especially since I'm sure
that when we're together,

everyone's staring at us.

Yeah, they're staring all right.

Well, what's that supposed
to mean?

Uh, well, Jake,
I wasn't sure if I should tell you,

but Heidi's sort of been
dressing down lately.

- Oh, you mean like casual?
- She means like Pig-Pen.

Bob.

I just think that she's using the fact
that you're blind to let herself go.

Well, thanks a lot, Reggie.

Well, is it true?

No.

A little.

Sort of.

Yes.

Well, why?

I don't know. It's just easier this way.

I mean, I have to dress up
when I go to the office

or when I'm out with clients,

but when we go out,
what does it matter?

Oh, you don't think I matter?

No, no, no, that came out wrong.

What I meant to say was,
"What's the point?"

Oh, thanks for clearing that up.
I feel much better now.

Jake, I really thought I could get past
the appearance thing with you.

You also got past the honesty thing.

- No, Jake, l...
- Wait, wait.

You should care what you look like
when you go out with me,

even if I can't see you.

So, what are you saying?

I'm saying
I don't think this is gonna work out.

Goodbye, Heidi.

That was your solution?
To say goodbye?

What else was I supposed to do?

You tell her to go home, hose off
and put on a dress.

That's like having an incredible piece
of candy.

So what if it falls on the floor?

You pick it up, wipe off the dirt,
and pop it back in your mouth.

Hey, Reg, coffee, please.

Well, well, if it isn't Dr. Strangelove.

Yeah, fine, fine.
Take your best shot.

Oh, that wasn't my best shot.
I got lots more.

Dr. Becker,
I know you're still mad at me,

but if it helps,
here, my life savings, $300.

Well, 260 of it is mine.

Forty I took from the cash box
at work.

Just don't be mad at me anymore,
please?

Oh, here, Linda,
you know, keep the money.

Actually, give me the 40 back,
but you can keep the rest.

You know, I know you...

I know you meant well.

I thought about it and I realised that,

you know, maybe I was focusing
on the negative

in what could have been
a fun experience.

Margaret told you to say that.

Shut up, will you?

Look, I don't care how it happened.

Thank you, Dr. Becker.

- Thank you.
- Hey, no, no, don't...

I mean, uh, yeah, it's okay, it's okay.

Oh, by the way, there's a message
for you at the office.

Some guy named Trent called,
he said he knows you're not gay,

but if you just give him five minutes,
he's sure he could change your mind.

Tell him no, thanks.

Five minutes?

What could he possibly do
in five minutes?